Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Bachelor Ben Episode 2: Something Smells a Bit Fishy

Well hello, Readers.  Here we are in week 2 of our favorite waste of time and in case you’re wondering, yes, I (intentionally) missed most of the College Football National Championship game to watch the show.  I suppose that says something either about my affinity for The Bachelor or about my lack of interest in the two teams playing in the final game.  If your team won, congrats.  At least Nick Saban is earning that $60 million dollars he’s getting paid.

We mosied into week two, fresh off what was a relatively innocuous first episode.  Granted, there were the standard “spontaneous” limo exits featuring horse heads, rose hats, and a few terrible plays on words, but overall the show was about as predictable as the L.A. sunrise and about as eventful the morning dew drying on the grass.  While I was mildly entertained, I found the entire episode to be . . . well . . . unlovable. 

Fast forward a week later where I sat on the edge of my chair in breathless anticipation of Episode 2.  Let’s get to it.       

We begin this episode with the predictable Bachelor cornerstones:  expansive vistas, sunny LA skies, a rented sports car, and a not so subtle shot of our Bachelor’s underwear-covered junk being slipped into a pair of jeans after a shower.  

However, some major foundation pieces are conspicuously absent this time around.  We didn’t hear about this being the most (insert provocative adjective) season of The Bachelor ever and Harrison has been especially light on his “he had is heart broken last season but is here to try one more time to find love” chatter.  We haven’t seen Ben jog down a deserted beach and no one’s husband has died . . . yet.  I’d say we’re off to a slow start.  What’s her face should bring that Shetland pony back.      

As the girls kick it around their new digs in the a.m., the first date card arrives.  Jubilee, Lace, Amber, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Jackie, and Jennifer draw dreaded First Group Date duty.  If history is any indication (and it was), the First Group Date is usually the most globally humiliating.  Granted, the second Group Date wasn’t far behind, but this one was up there.   

After a brief champale toast in the limo, it’s off to “Bachelor High” to meet Ben for some old fashioned “science experiments.”  Incidentally, I think Ben selected the girls for this date by ranking them from highest to lowest in order of having a stripper’s name. 

Try this with the first three names on the date:

“Gentlemen, ten dollar table dances, this song and this song only, feast your eyes on the middle of the room while one hand clapping against the other makes the perfect sound to welcome our next dancer, (insert name here), to the center stage.” 

Cue up any AC/DC song, throw in a ten dollar Miller Lite, and a three dollar ribeye and you’re at a strip club in Anytown, USA fumbling for a dollar bill and praying you won’t get bilked out of a $100 glass of champagne after tacitly agreeing to some “company” from the aforementioned center-stager.  At least you’ll go home smelling like infant detergent and sparkling with glitter . . . or so I’m told.    

Back to Ben.

Ben meets the denim short, flannel shirt around the waist sporting girls on the steps of a local high school.  He's seemingly embarrassed by what he has been informed is about to happen. 

The girls are given white mall cosmetic salesperson counter-girl coats and forced to compete against each other in a fourth grade science experiment in order to make “Ben’s volcano explode”.  Subtlety is not this show’s strength.

JoJo tells us that she’s “never been this turned on in a high school.”  Of course she hasn’t.  That sort of thing usually occurred behind her high school in the back seat of a Camaro.  Lace tells us she hated school.  I’m sure she did.  It probably didn’t look at her enough or pay enough attention to her. 

I think we all know she’s F-ing crazy.  It got to a point this week where it was almost disturbing to watch.  She’s clearly got some real issues and a reality television show isn’t the proper venue to sort them out (see Padded Room). 

Bobbing for Apples.  Again, far from subtle and also disgusting.  I hope they all got their trenchmouth vaccination shots prior to that event.  Jennifer tells us that Jackie is “not great with her mouth.”  I suppose that’s a matter of opinion and I’d wager that Jackie has an ex-boyfriend or two who may feel differently.  We should give her the benefit of the doubt.  After all, they weren’t bobbing for bananas.  Word has it that’s next week. 

“Find the state of Indiana”.  Granted, Becca is a product of the Louisiana public education system and I can even forgive her for misplacing Indiana a tad bit to the East.  However, confusing Idaho with Oregon and putting Indiana sideways on the map calls for some serious remedial Geography lessons.   Oh, and the fact that putting it there was a team decision is even worse.  Good Lord.  She’s no Magellan. 

Mandi loses her rose hat and takes Amber to the house in a foot race for a Mustang ride with Ben.  Throw in some green slime falling from the sky and I’d have thought I was watching You Can’t Do That On Television. 

Cocktail party. JoJo is hot, he knows it, and she’s a top 3 finisher.  I’d bet on it.  Let’s talk about Lace.

She started out with such promise for the drunk girl who survived the first cocktail party out of the kindness of Ben’s heart, the fact that he hated other girls more than he feared one crazy one, and that the Producers smelled ratings gold.

Last night “I was a little too emotional.” 

Good start.  Go on.

“I had a little too much to drink.”

Ok.  The Germans were a little too aggressive in 1939 too, but continue.

“F*ck these b*tches.  I’m going to talk to Ben again.”   

. . . .aaaannnnd scene.

Becca gets some one-on-one time to play one-on-one and does a good job.  Like I said, she’s pretty, she’s cool, and she’s relatively dull.  The more I see Ben, the more I feel the same way about him.  Dynamic, he’s not. 

Jennifer gets an awkward lean in kiss from Ben because he had to start sometime.  Oh, and we still haven’t found out what her “small business” is, but I hear Ben is trying to get three people below him to move some product so he can earn $5,000.00 a month without ever leaving the mansion.

Olivia with no makeup didn’t look like Olivia with make up.  In fact, she didn’t look like any person I’d ever seen . . . ever.  It was like looking at the barrio with no graffiti.  Amazing.  It’s amazing what a coat of paint can do, isn’t it?  She went from Michelle Pfeiffer to Ricky Schroder in one episode.   

And why can she not close her mouth?  I rewound to make sure she wasn’t on the bobbing for apples date just to be sure she didn’t contract lockjaw.  Regardless, she might want to look into a tetanus shot before that gets any worse.    She looked like the freaking clown at a putt putt round…up until Caila got the date card.  Olivia was none too happy.

Lace, still starved for attention tells us that she’s “not that person” who got drunk and super needy on night one.  First of all, what people really mean when they say, “I’m not that person” is “I can’t believe I’m that person.”  Owning the behavior is the first step toward ensuring it doesn’t happen again.  Lace appeared a long way from owning anything but the string of profanities pouring out of her needy little mouth between sips of chardonnay. 

In another attempt to distance her perceived self from her actual self, Lace begins to speak in third person.  Lace is happy that Ben is holding Lace’s hand.  Granted, he held it because he was likely making sure that hand didn’t have a knife in it, but I won’t steal away her only victory of the evening.  Lace needed to take Lace’s meds and stop Lace from drinking Lace’s white wine in order to avoid the synergistic side effects of mixing the two.    

Jubilee interrupts for some one-on-one with Ben in his plaid Moose Lodge Jacket to tell him that she is an orphan.  Dude, a woman with daddy AND mommy issues.  Run, Ben.

JoJo gets the Date Rose after he talks to her about her “attitude, energy, and bubbliness” and unwittingly rubbed it in the rest of the girls’ faces by teeing it up in front of the group first. 

Mansion.  Caila gets dressed for her big one-on-one date. 

For some reason  Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to ridicule them on their date.   What happened to Ice Cube? 25 years ago he was a founding member of N.W.A. and now he’s an angrier Tyler Perry in a Yankee’s cap?  Remember when it was a good day he didn’t have to use his AK?  He’s gone from “F*ck the Police” to hanging out with Peter Brady and Webster on The Bachelor. 

Caila deserves an award for putting up with that nonsense. Ben shows off his Fonzie jacket.  She gets a rose.  She was low key, intriguing, not a child, and relatively articulate.  I think we’d all agree that fireworks didn’t ignite, but they had a nice date.  She’s pretty too.    

“Ben and Caila” sits conspicuously on the theater sign.  They enter to find Amos Lee on guitar.  Half of America had no idea who he is and the other half didn’t care (except for Lincee Ray).   Caila acts like she knows who he is and Ben fights the urge to wrestle Caila’s rose away from her and give it to Amos Lee.  I suppose Jeffrey Osborn was booked.

. . . on the wings of looooove . . . 

Amanda calls home to Facetime her kids.  She’s a top 3 in the looks department but her kids will be her undoing.  She’s not going to stick around waiting her turn to talk to Ben behind nutjobs like Lace and “bartenders” who have no particular place to be for the next 30 days.  As nice as he was to her about her kids, Ben is not interested in inheriting a family.  That is perhaps unfortunate, but understandable nonetheless.   

Knock knock knock.  Date card.  Emily, Shushana, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda get Group Date 2.

Olivia wears white pants.  Told you.  (Google White Pants Theory).

They set forth for The American Cement Building, which sounds like something you’d find in an Ayn Rand novel.  For some reason, the “Love Lab” is located within the building's confines and it’s fully staffed by a “doctor” and his assistants. 

Samantha uses the word “like” like way too many like times for someone with her education and the twins admit they’re both dumb, which—let’s be honest—is like Carrot Top admitting he has red hair. 

That whole “scientific” exercise was demeaning beginning with the white see through outfits and ending with the smell my hips test.  Olivia “won” and Samantha and her sour-smelling nether regions “lost.”    

Shushana spoke English.  What?  You didn’t think she could speak another language aside from Russian?  


Her name sounds like a Jewish holiday.  "My friend Moise is going to miss school tomorrow because he and his family will be going to the synagogue to celebrate Shushana."

Cocktail party.  Four Seasons.  Hoodie and a sport coat.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  Ben has on a grey hoodie and a grey sport coat.  Oddly enough, the Farmer turned Perpetual Hanger On wore a similar twin set on the after show.  A hoodie and a sport coat?  That’s the black socks and sandals of the hipster generation.  It looks like something that would happen if you were forced to go and check the mail in the middle of winter.  Odd.    

Wine and a toast.  Olivia had her face on and looked great in pink.  She gets to see the Bachelor room.  Samantha melts down.  Many of the women were consumed by emotion, which gave way to irrationality.  The one who keeps her head on straight does the best.  In Brad’s season, that was Emily.  Last night, it was Olivia. 

One of the Haley's leaves with Ben and busts his balls a bit and Ben apologizes to Sam for being honest about the way she smelled below the waist.  

Shushana may be a male order bride.  We should probably make sure her basement-dwelling, glasses-wearing, Star Trek fan of a first husband's bloated corpse isn’t in a deep freeze inside a storage unit in northern Ohio before giving her a rose next week.  Sure, he meant well and probably didn’t deserve the arsenic she put in his donut but she’ll be damned if she’s going to spend another harsh winter in Russia and she’ll do anything to not have to endure two weeks in a tanker’s cargo hold trudging at 15 knots across the ocean again.    

Olivia gets inside the other girl’s heads but eventually gets into her own.  She needs to tap the brakes a bit.  She’s clearly got Ben interested but it’s going to take more than a pair of white pants, a passing score from “Doctor” Love, and the Date Rose in order to run away with the Neil Lane ring.  My prediction is that she’ll become her own worst enemy.  She’s this season’s Icarus.  If she’s lucky, she’ll get a chance to emerge from the ashes.

Speaking of being her own worse enemy.

Lace talks to Ben . . . again.  To say that the conversation didn't go well would be like saying that Pete Best's career as a drummer was slightly inhibited when the Beatles replaced him with Ringo Starr.    

“I have a bold personality.” 

Translation:  I'm boorish and inconsiderate.

“I’m hard to handle.” 

Translation:  No one likes me.

And my personal favorite, “I have a part of me that I’m working on.”  

Translation:  My therapist wants to see me for a very long time. 

Lace becomes . . .well . . . unlaced.  She got a rose because she’s not done being useful to the show, but she clearly needs Dr. Jamie to make a triumphant return.  After all, look at all he did for Brad Womack.    

One of the Haley’s starts to cry.  LB cracks a bit but keeps it together long enough to get a rose and then summarily hand it back to Ben on her way out the door.  Amber starts to  . . . whatever.  Ben gives Lauren B, the stewardess, a picture of the two of them from their first meeting.  I’m telling you, she’s a sleeper.  She’s not the best looking but she’s sweet, unassuming, and easy to talk to.  Like I said, she’s uncomplicated and he likes that.  She’s the tortoise to Olivia’s hare.  She’ll jog right past a sleeping Olivia in a week or two.    

After Ben goes on his reassurance tour we get to the Roses. 

Rose Ceremony.

Amanda (beautiful, but she’ll miss her kids)
Caila (solid showing on the date)
Olivia (gorgeous, but ego driven)
Jubilee (the woman, not the celebration)
Lauren B. (sleeper)
Leah (event planner)
Rachel (quiet week, but still in the hunt)
Lace (Lace needs to tell Lace to relax)
LB “can I talk to you”
Becca (good showing this week)
Jennifer (got a kiss and moved some hand soap down the pyramid)
Emily (One of the Haley’s)
Jamie (did enough)
Laruen H. (did enough)
Shushana (spoke English)
Haley (the other of the Haley’s)
Amber (on her way out soon)


Sam (nice person, but needs to mature)
Mandi (nuts, but she got a tiara as a parting gift)
LB (went home because she wasn’t feeling it)
Jackie (will have to stick to studying old people)

Well, there it is.   Episode 2.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Comment below or twitter me @someguyinaustin.  If you need me, I’ll be smelling my pheromones.  DP



  1. You are pure gold my friend. So happy to have you back.

    1. Pure gold, huh? I'll take it where I can get it. Thanks for the comment. DP

  2. I read a few Bachelor blogs, but this is my favorite. So glad to have this to look forward to again.

  3. The best recap yet, and I've been reading for years! "I rewound to make sure she wasn’t on the bobbing for apples date just to be sure she didn’t contract lockjaw." Anything you wrote about Shushanna. Jubilee (the woman, not the celebration) and Jennifer (moved some hand soap down the pyramid). All LOL moments. Smiled all the way through this one.

    1. Best yet? Wow. That's a big statement from a longtime reader. Thanks for the comment and thank you more for reading for years! DP

  4. Told my wife, "Some Guy will be all over Ben tucking his stuff into his pants." Very glad you didn't disappoint.

    1. Solid. Glad to have a husband admit to watching with the wife. Nice. DP

  5. One of your funniest recaps to date, DP! As soon as I saw Olivia and her white pants, I knew you would have something to say about it. You never disappoint! Laughed throughout the entire blog but these comments had me spitting out my coffee:

    “I had a little too much to drink.”
    Ok. The Germans were a little too aggressive in 1939 too, but continue.

    She went from Michelle Pfeiffer to Ricky Schroder in one episode.

    Remember when it was a good day he didn’t have to use his AK? He’s gone from “F*ck the Police” to hanging out with Peter Brady and Webster on The Bachelor.

    Shushanna spoke English. What? You didn’t think she could speak another language aside from Russian? Shush.

    Dying. I was dying and it was hilarious!!!! I have three new coworkers that are also Bachelor fans so I have introduced them to your blog and we had a good laugh this morning reading your recap. Good thing our boss comes in later in the day. :)

    Okay, I think it's safe to drink my coffee now. As always, thanks for the laughs, Some Guy!!!

    Rose in OC

    1. Rose in OC wrote what I was thinking, so thank you. And thanks DP for making me laugh a lot.

    2. Thanks, Rose and ~Cariss. Although, I'll compliment Rose for doing all of the heavy lifting in the drafting of the comment. DP

  6. Hey, Some Guy.

    Great blog. Thanks for introducing me to "white pants theory". I'd never heard of it before.

    I write a blog too. You can see my recap here:

    I'm just starting out and trying to build an audience. I enjoy your blog and I would like to link to it in my articles. I'm making my blog a small hub for Bachelor blogs. One of my readers told me about yours today.

    I would really like it if you would allow me to post links to my blog in your comments section each week. Normally, I just do it and don't ask (usually because bloggers have no contact info) but a fan of I Hate Green Beans got all up in my grill for "hijacking" Lincee's comment section by posting ONE glowing comment each week with a link to my blog.

    So if you're not cool with it, let me know. It will be to your benefit though since I will direct traffic back to you and you will rank slightly higher in search engines for linking (even if not directly) to content relevant to your blog.

    I'll take silence as tacit approval.

    Thanks! Great writing!

    1. Welcome aboard. However, I've been nice before and it resulted in the standard comment trail that devolves into a shouting match between the commenters. If that happens here, I'll shut it down. Be respectful. Be nice, and make sure anyone you send her is too. Thanks for asking.


    2. My comments will always be respectful. Any traffic you get from me will just be anyone who follows the link to your site from mine. I haven't gotten any negative people commenting on my site. The traffic will be people interested in Bachelor blogs. People seem not to be able to get enough of it. I can't vouch for random Bachelor fans but any of them could find your site on the internet and start trouble, right?

      Anyway, my blog is small. Maybe 10 people will click on your link per week and most people DON'T comment. I don't think there will be any negative ramifications.

      I link back as a courtesy because I presume bloggers hope to increase their readership. Inbound links increase your search engine rankings and traffic. I can not link to you if you want though.

      Thank you! :)

    3. Spam, and inappropriate. Some guy is being too nice....!

    4. SG is being decent, it's called helping someone out.

  7. Oops. I guess I need to put some html in to make the link work:

    Testing to see if this works.

  8. When I saw the shot of Ben in blue undies at the beginning of the show I knew you would be all over it. Didn't disappoint.

    What is up with Olivia's mouth and that lockjaw? She looks totally freaky. Does she think it's cute/funny? Oh yes, the white pants. I saw her wearing them and thought of you right away. Almost fell off my chair the first time you mentioned them and told us to Google it :-0 I still wear white jeans in the summer though.

    Lace is in serious need of some therapy. How many times did she say "crazy" in just one conversation? And if she has to tell us she is not crazy, then she sure is.

    The visit to the love doctor was humiliating and embarrassing, although that shouldn't surprised us this is The Bachelor after all.

    A hoodie with a sports jacket? I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw him wearing that combination. Is this the latest fashion? When are you going to get yours?

    Kudos to you for writing such a funny recap from what it turned out to be a fairly boring show.

    1. Nice of you to take time off of your jet setting lifestyle and chime in Liana. Always nice to see you're still reading. You may have reached Superfan status. Sadly, there's no prize for that other than the sheer satisfaction of knowing it. DP

    2. Oh bummer! I thought maybe a gold watch or an all expenses paid trip to some exotic location. Or maybe dinner with Chris Harrison and you? That would be pretty cool.

  9. Great recap - loved the "You Can't Do That on Television" (whatever happened to Alanis Morrisette?) and Dr Jamie comments especially.

    Ben seems honestly really nice and the crazies not too crazy, I wonder what they'll come up with to spice it all up. I hadn't realised Ben was so tall - or are Ice Cube and Kevin really short?

    Looking forward to next week.

    1. Kevin Hart is like 4 feet tall. Ergo, my Webster reference above. Oh, and Alanis is a gojillionaire and the only person to make money that was ever on that show, I think. I agree with your comment about spicing it up. They need someone other than Lace's drunk ass to make waves. DP

  10. I did watch the game then was traveling so finally got to see this episode. Strange dates but that seems to be the norm at the start of this journey. That open mouth thing that Olivia does is the strangest affectation I have ever seen-she can't think that looks cute. Hopefully she will see herself and think like the rest of us that it looks totally bizarre. You can let us know if you ever see her around Austin doing that. Lace-what a bat s..t crazy person she is! Issues so deep that I doubt Dr Jamie could help. Talking about herself in the third person is a huge red flag to some deep problems. Don't know how long we will get to see her implosion. I still like Becca but my money is on Caila.
    Keep up the good snark.

  11. By the way, that is me above. I am off my game obviously
    Sal in Utah

    1. SO off your game. The Horror!

      Relax. Nice to have you comment, as always. DP

  12. Olivia has Cameron Diaz chompers and appears to be the resident mean girl this season. Lace looks like Sarah Silverman and seems to have the same level of comedic talent. Thanks again for the laughs, DP.


  13. Entertaining and hilarious as always - I have to say the shanking comment not cool though.