Bachelor Ben Episode 1: Laced with Drama

Well hello, Readers.  I trust all of you had a fulfilling holiday season and a Happy New Year:  all just a precursor to the big Bachelor Ben season kickoff.  I'm sure most of you have been as giddy as school girls breathlessly awaiting the excruciating first two minutes of the episode in anticipation of Ben's first shower scene.

I'm just thankful I have something to watch now other than (Not) Finding Bigfoot reruns.  A person can only watch so many of those episodes before reaching one inevitable conclusion:  Bigfoot has a severe aversion to fat middle-aged men and lesbians.  

Where's Bigfoot?

  
We begin with the standard first episode montage.  Yachts, helicopters, first class hotels, exotic locations, unbridled passion, rampant crying, and unmitigated jealousy.  You know, real life.  Hey, why shoot the mule that's carried your baggage for 20 seasons?  I'm positive that montage was in the can before Harrison left last season's wrap party, whiskey decanter in hand, in search of a dejected (former) wannabe reality show starlet at the hotel piano lounge.       

We cut to Los Angeles for Ben's aw shucks I'm just an Indiana guy from small town Warsaw, Indiana who wants to settle down photo session.  Before all of you go all gooey-eyed over our Midwestern, formerly heartbroken charmer, I'd suggest you see what became of last season's Midwestern, formerly heartbroken charmer from another "I" state.  

Ben tells us that "every Hoosier can shoot a basketball" but should have added ". . . against a weathered picturesque barn you don't own."  

We tour every school in the Warsaw Independent School District and see Ben perform his duties as Grand Marshall of the homecoming parade.  He wants small town values, damnit, and he hammers that point home whilst walking amongst the wheat fields in his lime green oxford shirt in communion with the deer before introducing this season's "Fear of Being Unlovable" theme which he dispels (for now) by having a parents lakeside chat.  

Before getting to peruse this season's parade of potential paramours, Ben seeks "expert advice" from the over-exposed Sean Lowe, the far-past-his-fifteen minutes Chris Soules (shouldn't he have been harvesting something in Iowa?), and the contractually obligated Jason Mesnick who has to be older than Gwen (remember her?) by now.  

Sean sports his Pony Boy Curtis look.

I stayed Gold for Catherine

Mesnick dispenses advice about the show and marrying Molly, which is evidence that he's either blocked out the memory of  first choosing Melissa Rycroft and then summarily dumping her a week later or hoped that we blocked it out for him.   Chris Soules pretends he didn't make a jerk of himself. 

Harrison shows up in understated grey pinstripes and a grey shirt and tie and the boat is out of the harbor.  Let's get to it.      


As I always say, this episode is both confusing and frustrating from a chronological standpoint due to the fact that the limo arrivals are staggered and pushed out between individual bios of girls who don't show up until later in the episode.  Because of that, I've recapped the girls in alphabetical order. 

Amanda, 25, Esthetician. ROSE  Divorced, two daughters.  Kicking it on the beach in a one piece with the offspring.  She tells us that her kids are the center of her life--so she's leaving them for 5 weeks to poontang around the mansion.  She's very pretty and selected the perfect cocktail dress to let Ben know it.  Perfect intro.  My guess is that Ben (at 26) doesn't want a ready-made family and a bitter ex-husband to deal with, nor does he want to listen to her complain about the child support checks being late.  I still think she stays around for a while.  Total.  MILF.    

(Still) Amber,  (Still) "30", (Still) Bartender. ROSE   If you put her and Becca together you might end up with one personality.  Maybe Fleiss isn't so dumb after all.  Her "controversial" return to find love fell flat as she was largely ignored (and unrecognized) by the other women.  And therein lies the problem, Amber.  She seems nice enough, but she's passed the point of making a fool out of herself by signing up for every iteration of The Bachelor.  Hell, if she keeps this up she'll be on these shows more than Harrison.     

(Still) Becca, (Still) 26, (Still) a Chiropractic Assistant. ROSE.  See above.  I'm surprised the first thing out of Harrison's mouth when she and Amber stepped out of the limo wasn't, "thanks for being the first to answer the phone and agree to a modest per diem to be here.  Fliess appreciates it."   Sweet, nice, attractive, and virginal.  "Who wants a virgin," Lace slurred through her partially paralyzed lips.  I don't know.  Maybe 26 year old Midwestern guys with traditional values?  We shall see. 

Breanne, 30, Nutritional Therapist. NO ROSE.  Horrible entry with loaves of French bread that she sacrificed in the name of hating gluten.  Hate ISIS, Breanne, not delicious baguettes.  I hope they fed those to Huey the Horse rather than letting them go to waste.    

Caila, 24, Software Sales Rep. ROSE.  She lives in Boston and paints flowers.  I thought she was much more attractive than her head shot.  Seemed nice.  The awkward run and jump greeting in her awful rhinestone number didn't go so smoothly.  She's no Jillian.    

Emily, 22, Twin. ROSE . Annoying "look at the twins" intro.  The limo exit with her sister was excruciating; as was the rest of their camera time.  I kept thinking about those creepy twins from The Shining or Jeremy Iron's twins in Dead Ringers.  Again, the twin dating thing is hokey, hackneyed, and tired.      

Haley, 22, Twin. ROSE.  Obnoxious "we're twins" double intro. She seems like the competitive one.  My money says she cries before her sister this season.  Props to Fleiss for planning a two-on-one date with them.  I don't know that for sure, but that would be a stroke of genius.        

Izzy, 24, Graphic Designer.  NO ROSE. She shows up in Pajamas.  "You're the 'onsie' for me," she tells Ben as he fights back the urge to vomit.  When it came to getting a rose she got None-sie.  

Jackie, 23, Gerontologist. ROSE.  She showed up with a pre-printed Save the Date card with their "wedding" date.  Uh oh.  Run, Ben.  She seemed nice enough but the fact that I have to think about who she is in order to write this speaks volumes.

Jami, 23, Bartender.  ROSE.  Amber . . . I mean Jami.  Giggly Canadian who knows Kaitlyn.  Dude, don't lead with "I know the ex who dumped you last season on national television and she's told me all about you" line.  She seemed sufficiently perky enough but she might as well be Amber's little sister. 

Jennifer, 25, Small Business Owner.  ROSE. Forced, awful entry in a nice black dress.  She didn't make much of an impression and then got WAY too philosophical in her one-on-one time and used the word "important" more times than Samantha said "imporant".  She struck me as weird and never mentioned what her "small business" entailed.  I wonder if Harrison will by any of her AmWay products on her way out the door.        

Jessica, 23, Accountant.  NO ROSE.  Very pretty girl who got that makeover I suggested she needed.  She seemed sweet and humble.  She looked great.  He shouldn't have sent her home.  Lace took her Rose.     
  

JoJo, 23, Real Estate Developer. ROSE.  WAY too hot to have to use the unicorn mask.  Shame on whoever won the intern bet by talking her into that.  Be yourself, JoJo.  She was nervous and a little scripted, but still hot.   Top 3.   

Jubilee, 24, War Veteran.  ROSE.  Her pre-limo bio was a huge cliche.  We see her fighting, shooting, and dropping military metaphors before she complains about the cliches associated with females in the military.  She tells Ben that she's lost all of her pick up lines.  She should have lost the one she ultimately remembered.   Personally, I would have gone with "You know what kind of fabric this dress is made of?"  "Wife Material."  Boom.  Call Neil Lane.   

Lace, 25, Real Estate Agent. ROSE (almost fumbled).  Hot.  She steals the first kiss out of the limo, belying her uber-competitive personality.  She's trouble.  Hyper-competitive, control issues, insecurity issues, and foul-mouthed.  Mr. and Mrs. Ben's Parents would squirm in their Adirondack chairs if he brought her home.  I couldn't figure out if that was her name or if she was telling Ben what her dress was made out of.  She apparently drinks too.  She's way too physically attractive to behave like that.  Her pathology is far more complicated than run-of-the-mill narcissism.  Huge control and insecurity issues spell haunted past, traumatic event, or (let's hope not for Ben's sake) bona fide personality disorder.  Sadly, I don't think she's faking for the camera.  Someone remind the crazy dentist to hide her pointy metal things.   You think Ben regretted that decision to give her a rose after she did everything she could to almost slur her way out of it?  She dropped the first kiss and the first "bitch" of the season.  She'll stick around to stir the pot.  He was done with her when she pulled the "you didn't look at me once" routine after the Rose Ceremony.  Unfortunately for Ben, the Producers are just getting started with her.              

Laura, 24, Account Executive. NO ROSE.  "Red Velvet".  She was much better on screen than in her head shot and seemed to have a great sense of humor.  What did her in was her rampant insecurity.  That's a shame, because I actually found her really attractive.  Her parting comment about "maybe it's because he simply didn't like redheads, some people don't" was insightful and probably true.  

Lauren B., 25, Stewardess. ROSE.  She begins by tramping around the beach in a bikini in her bio.  She's the first one out of the gate and down the jetway for both the bio and the limo and the first to get a rose in the Rose Ceremony.  Could that be foreshadowing?  Light blue strapless dress (also picked out by Red Velvet) and simple jewelry.  I like her.  Ben seemed to as well.  She could be a sleeper.  Why?  She's simple.  Not simple like Sling Blade simple, but simple in the sense that her life is not complicated.  She's a stewardess who wants to settle down.  He'll appreciate it if she's not jumping up and down for attention like some of the other front runners.  Subtlety does not go unnoticed.  Then again, he could send her home next week.  

Lauren H., 25, Kindergarten Teacher. ROSE.  Sooooper Midwestern accent.  Nice, sweet, Midwesterner with a nurturing job and a simple lifestyle.  She could be a sleeper but I didn't sense a ton of chemistry.  

Lauren R., 26, Math Teacher. NO ROSE.  Less attractive than her head shot. Note to Women: don't open a conversation with a guy by telling him you've been stalking him for months--even if it's true.  Oh, and certainly never actually use the word "stalking."  That's horrifying.   It's sort of like farting:  All guys know that women do it.  We just don't want to hear about it.  Her creepy entry and poor attempts at humor spelled her demise.  Well, that and the fact that she never told Ben her name.  

Lauren B. ("LB"), 23, Fashion Buyer from Oklahoma. ROSE.  She looked great in hot pink.  Awkward entry, though.  She seemed pleasant, looked better than her head shot, and did enough to stick around.  SGIA's jury is still deliberating when it comes to her.  She might be a tad shy to stick around with the sharks.    

Leah, 25, Event Planner. ROSE.  She's the one who bent over and hiked the ball in her evening gown.  You have to love a real Lady, don't you?  Awful.  Her dad must be proud.  The dress was an awful compilation of fake colored gems and rhinestones.  She looked like a church window.   Fourth down, Leah.  Call a good play next week or you're going home.    
    

Maegan, 30, Cowgirl. NO ROSE.  Shows up with her Shetland pony, Huey.  She seemed cool, but destined to be sent home.  God knows what would have happened to ole Huey the Horse if Maegan would have been cast on Bachelor in Paradise.  He'd probably be married by now.

Mandi, 28, Dentist.  ROSE.  There was a guy riding a unicycle and playing a flaming bagpipe in her bio.  My first thought was "She's Nuts."  She also wore that ridiculous rose hat out of the limo.  My second thought was "She IS nuts."   She interrupted Ben's initial greeting toast in favor of a dental exam to see if he was suitable for her to kiss.  That might have been marginally funny if she wasn't serious.  I can spot a nut job blocks away.       

Olivia, 23, News Anchor.  Austin, Texas. FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE.  She looked the best out of the limo.  Let's face it, she's stunning.  I was less impressed to find out she quit her news anchor job to "bet it all on love" or whatever.  That puts her in the "unemployed" category.  She also laid it on as thick as a bottle of aerosol Aqua Net during her one-on-one time.  Frankly, I thought it sounded like too much of a sales pitch, but she earned the F.I.R.  Props to her.  Be careful what you ask for, however.  The F.I.R. might as well be a freaking giant target on her back.    

Rachel, 23, Unemployed. ROSE.  It's difficult to determine what will blow up first:  the Chinese Hoverboard she rode up the driveway or her chances with Ben.  She seemed very positive for an unemployed person zipping around on a fire hazard.  Let's hope she parked that thing close to the hose they use to spray down the driveway at the mansion.    

Samantha, 26, Attorney.  ROSE.  "Imporant" beach-running "lawyer" whose dad had ALS and died when she was 13.  Dude, don't lead with the buzz killer.  Ease into it.  I liked her entry better than her bio.  She seemed very genuine but about as stable as a three-legged table.  She's too nice not to cry and will likely get bullied by the alpha-females in the house (see Lace).  She bemoaned the fact that there were so many women at the party.  As a law school graduate with a lack of math credits, she doesn't understand that the more women who show up on night one, the more of a statistical chance she has of getting a rose.  She should befriend the mathematician once she stops faking like she only speaks Russian in order to discuss statistical probability.   By the way, Samantha, your name in Spanish is still Samantha.           

Shushanna, 27, Mathematician. ROSE.  She relegates herself to speaking Russian or something Eastern European.  Awkward.   The dress was awful too.  Regardless, she did enough to stick around.  As a mathematician, she clearly understood the odds.  What's that?  You don't like her?  Shush.    
   

Tiara, 27, Chicken Enthusiast. NO ROSE.  She loves her pet chicken, Shelia.   That's disgusting and stupid.  She showed up in a very Crystal Carrington-esque dress and ditched the chicken talk in the intro.  Cute, but the fact is that at the end of the party, she just wasn't that interesting.  

A few ending thoughts: 


Ben's new haircut was a little 1939 Nazi invasion of Poland for me.  He carried himself well, however, and I thought he treated everyone with a lot of respect.  He even made it a point to go after Lace's drunk ass and unnecessarily clarify himself after she got snappy with him.  

Harrison sauntering into the cocktail party and dropping the First Impression Rose on to the coffee table without saying a word was brilliant.  The ting, ting, ting of the butter knife on the crystal champagne flute was music to my ears.   Hell, Santa's sleigh bells have nothing on that sound.    

Well, there it is.  Episode One is in the bag.  Let's hope for the most (Insert provocative adjective here) season of The Bachelor ever.  It's good to be back.  Comment below or Tweet me @someguyinaustin.  In the meantime, if you need me I'll be calling Ben over and over to figure out why he never looked at me.  DP