Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 11: Men Say Nothing

Alright, you all know how much I hate this episode.  Couple that with the fact that I’m as busy as a Canadian whore on dollar night and you’ll undoubtedly feel my pain.  Normally, I wouldn’t use a word like “whore” right out of the metaphorical gate; however, in light of the fact that Harrison used it about 9 times on the show, I feel like it’s alright.  I also made my hypothetical whore Canadian because I wanted to remain topical.    

Ground Rules for this Post: 

1.         I really am on a tight schedule so I have to budget my time here.

2.         Because of Rule 1, I’m going to allot 30 minutes to write.   Whatever comes out during that time gets posted.

3.         Let’s get to it.


Bachelor in Paradise Preview.  I’m no Puritan and even I was appalled at the preview.  The show looks like something I would have snuck downstairs to watch on Cinemax After Dark when I was a kid and my parents were sleeping.  On the other hand, it does look like a good way to escape reality for an hour or so once a week. 

Note to self:  consider watching Bachelor in Paradise but never admitting it to anyone.  I’ll log that idea in the “SGIA’s Great Ideas” folder in my Dropbox account next to “Feed tuna fish mayonnaise.” 

Let’s get to the show.

Before we rehash every stupid moment from the past 10 shows via the obligatory “Last time . . . on The Bachelorette . . .”. montage, Harrison introduces himself, which is a lot like Santa Claus introducing himself to a room full of 4 year olds.  Harrison is a master of the caesura, is he not? 

I, like many of you, immediately noticed that Kentucky Joe was wearing white jeans.  I wondered aloud why neither Clint nor J.J. had them on in light of the early-season hypothesis that has now graduated into a bona fide theory.  

Tanner and Corey lay into Ian because they drew the long straws held by the producer in the green room.  I’d recap that for you but I was too preoccupied trying to remember who Corey was and why he’d been given such a prominent speaking role in the Men Tell All.  The guy was little more than window dressing during the season.  If Kaitlyn was Beowulf then Corey would have been the dragon killed in the first 1/3 of the poem.  I honestly could not remember who he was.  I was looking for Grendel’s mother after the second break. 

A little English Lit humor for you, folks.  You’re welcome.  Incidentally, I remember being selected for the lead in my 10th grade English class when we read Beowulf aloud in class.  I remember liking the phrase “hoary frost” for some reason. 

Speaking of hoary, let’s get back to Kaitlyn.         

Ian has a Phil Donahue moment when he takes off his jacket—he must have learned that in his pre-Ivy League Preparatory Academy—and begs for forgiveness from the guys and his own mother for being such an arrogant putz.  I’m not sure I bought it, but it was, nonetheless, effective.   The best part was Harrison’s indignant, “what are doing?”       

JJ/Clint “Controversy”.  Clint was clearly uncomfortable at the prospect of being labelled a homosexual; so much so he grew a beard (take that, Jared) and reminded us of his raging heterosexuality each time he got a chance to speak.  He probably should have thought that out before he decided to pal around with J.J. like a conjoined twin in the hot tub on national television.  J.J. undid any progress Clint made on “I’m not gay” front every time he opened his mouth.

Ben H., who is the only person more p*ssy-whipped than Jared when it comes to Kaitlyn, shuts Corey up in order to defend Kaitlyn’s reputation—a Herculean task if you ask me.  In light of Harrison’s mean Tweet reading session—for demonstrative purposes, of course—later in the show, the whole show began to smack of hypocrisy. 

We’re fed phrases like “blatant double-standard” and given roaring endorsements from Harrison who actually calls her a “role model” for his daughters and gushes over his loyal friendship with her.  All of that happened before he called her a “dirty whore” and told her to “close her dirty whore legs” on national television and dismissed the entire reaction to her rampant promiscuity as “cyber-bullying.” 

There is no double-standard, by the way.  Juan Pablo was hated for sleeping with Clare early and lying to everyone about it and then making inappropriate comments to her on their date.  Kaitlyn wasn’t singled out because she has a vagina.  She was singled out because she shared it with every single guy she could find. 

What’s worse?

A.        An angry, holier-than-thou mom is shocked and appalled by Kaitlyn sleeping around on national television during prime time programming and fires off an irrational, mean-spirited Tweet; or

B.        An entire, well-seasoned production team intentionally plans and then films its contestants’ promiscuous behavior while simultaneously plying them with unlimited alcohol, depriving them of sleep, and cutting them off from the outside world after obtaining a one-sided, carte blanche, non-negotiable release with a seven figure penalty for violating its confidentiality provisions drafted by its own attorneys with the power of a major network behind them and then edits the footage solely with ratings and profit in mind regardless of the personal consequences the behavior may visit on the people in it. 

Exactly.   If anyone on that show thought Kaitlyn was a saint, they could have cut the footage to reflect that.  In short, they could have saved her reputation by not creating one in the first place.  Look, it’s all about entertainment value.  I get that, but I’m not buying the “cyber-bullying” outrage when they purposely spawned the problem to begin with.  Kaitlyn certainly doesn’t deserve death threats but the people who put the show on the air have been doing this long enough to know that was likely to happen.  Either they’re insincere or delusional.     

Jared shaved his pseudo-beard and actually looked a lot better.  I thought he was articulate, thoughtful, and sincere.  He got dumped because he was too nice.  Kaitlyn doesn’t like nice.  I think that’s apparent by looking at who is remaining. 

Ben H. gets the “hot seat” and it’s clear that he’s in the running for the next Bachelor.  “We’ll see how you test with the audience, Ben, and then we’ll call you.”  As long as it’s not Josh Murray from Andi’s season, I think I’m fine with whomever they pick.  I think Kentucky Joe would have made a good choice too.  He’s chosen the filthy confines of the Bachelor in Paradise, however.  It’s time they had a guy with a personality and a sense of humor on the show.  Between Ben Flanjik, Juan Pablo, and the “Farmer” from Iowa I’m ready for a change in hiring criteria. 

Incidentally, why does ABC even bother identifying the alleged professions of its Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants?  We might as well just settle in to the fact that they’re all “aspiring morning show hosts” or “aspiring television personalities.”  No one goes on the show looking for a spouse.  As long as we’re hanging out in the Trust Tree we might as well admit it.  I wonder how that dental degree is panning out for Ashley or how that pilot gig is going for Jake.  Remember when he got cheated on by Roz at his own cocktail party?    

Enter Kaitlyn.

Speaking of Roz, I’m pretty certain that the fat guy in the leather hat who helped her pack her sh*t, transferred to the ABC Wardrobe Department this season.  I’m sorry, but Kaitlyn has not looked very good in anything she’s worn to date.  That includes the black sequined high school jazz recital costume she wore on the show this week.  All she was missing was a pair of white gloves.  I haven’t read Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray’s post yet, but I’d be willing to bet that she threw up all over that getup.    

Then it was really about some passive-aggressive comments from some of the more bitter dudes in the bunch that wouldn’t directly call her out for banging the guy she invited on the show so she could bang.  She mounts the “try dating this many guys, it’s hard” defense before being defended by the guys too afraid to risk inviting the wrath of the “open-minded” members of the general public who think she didn't embarass herself this season. 

I’ve said it before, I will never be so enraged by the behavior of anyone on any reality show that I will be compelled to stop what I’m doing in order to fire off a threatening Tweet directly to that person condemning him or her for whatever played out in California or Ireland or anywhere else.  I simply don’t have any skin in the game.  People who are that affected by a reality show should probably look for a different hobby. 

Well, there it is:  a not-so-funny recap of the Men Tell All in just 28 minutes time.  My fingers hurt from typing.  As always, I’m sorry for the delay.  I’ll plan on hitting it out of the park for the big finale next week.  I’ve gone on the record several times now saying that she’ll pick Fake Gosling out of a mix of guilt, false obligation, and regret.  I’ll go on record today as saying that I’ve never been more unsure of my pick.  We shall see. 


Enjoy the rest of your week and your weekend.  Let me know what you think in the Comments section or on Twitter @someguyinaustin. . . just don’t call me a dirty whore.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be closing my dirty whore legs and shutting the f*ck up.  DP

35 comments:

  1. Thanks for the alliteration. It does clear up the brouhaha over who's a wh*re, who's gay, who's angling for more reality TV life, etc. It's a strong comment on our national values when calling out promiscuity is done is poorer taste than the promiscuity itself. Then we must call out those who are doing the calling out. Or do we try to call out the promiscuity tastefully? What a chore. Thanks for helping us with it all. Susan in CA

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    1. Thanks, Susan in CA. I'm not sure what it all means. My suspicion is that I'm just as much a part of the problem as I am the solution. DP

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  2. Yup, DP, I read Lincee. You're are right. Also you are spot on saying that certain footage could have been edited out but I might add, That's Entertainment! Macedonian Hussy

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    1. Good to know. Good to see you in the comment section, MH.
      DP

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  3. You said it wasn't so funny, DP, but I still laughed multiple times. Also, stop apologizing so much. You have a full-time, very time-consuming and demanding job. This silly little hobby regarding a silly trainwreck of a show cannot and should not be that high on the priority list.

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    1. What? No! What SGIA does IS important and matters. It is and must remain top priority for Mr. DP.

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    2. The problem is that I'd love for this "silly little hobby" to replace my "full-time, very time-consuming and demanding job." What's a girl to do? thank you both for reading. DP

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  4. Something I just don't get...perhaps you, The Source of All Wisdom, has some insight:

    Why were Ian's sleeves rolled up when he took off his jacket? Is this normal? It seems like it would feel uncomfortable and bunchy.

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    1. Because he was hot during the marathon shoot. Period. Jackets suck when it's hot and I'd rather wear short sleeves under a jacket. He rolled them up and never rolled them down. DP

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    2. Ah. Makes sense. Thanks. Personally, the combination of sweat and bunchiness would send me over the edge. Suits and pantyhose in hot weather are just no bueno.

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  5. Thank you for enduring this season, it was a rough ride - no pun intended. The biggest issue I have with Kaitlyn is not her choices, but not owning the consequences (good or bad) despite being, " a grown woman." Death threats and cyber bullying are not acceptable, but I do think she deserved to be called out by the men she "dated."

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    1. meh. Again, editing was the key. She, apparently, didn't do anything any other bach'ette didn't do before. That was just the angle they took this season. DP

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    1. I'm thrilled my English background has come in handy. DP

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  7. Thanks for the taking the time -- that was funny and much more than I could turn out in 30 minutes. I learned a new word too: caesura. I will find a way to work that into my next conversation. J

    I agree with you about the whole slut-shaming thing. It makes no difference in my life what any of these people do, and they aren't hurting anyone. Why go to the trouble to hurl vitriol at Kaitlyn or anyone else involved? Impressionable children shouldn't be watching this show, and as far as teens go, it's provides an opening for a calm, reasonable discussion about the topic, that is if these people are capable of reason.

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    1. Or it's just fodder for adults--like us--who want to escape for an hour or two and then just move on. Unfortunately, some folks can't do that without tweeting to the star of the show how awful she is. DP

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  8. "Feed tuna fish mayonnaise." Bwaaaa haaaa! Thank you for that guffaw😀 and the Beowulf. Your posts add back some of the brain cells I loose by watching this show. Now I have to go investigate 'caesura'.
    I think she chooses Fake Gosling but he rejects her for messing him around so much...
    Thanks for writing!

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    1. A caesura is a timely pause for effect. Thanks for recognizing my tuna fish idea as the most brilliant idea ever. DP

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  9. While I agree they all want to be in the entertainment biz, you should replace Ashley with Andi. Because Ashley actually is a dentist. Part time, but still - she actually did go back to her profession. Andi however ditched that law degree and is pimping herself out in NYC.

    Yes, it is sad I know all of that. I follow a lot of those personalities on twitter because I get amused when they live tweet the show.

    Regardless, I too found the whole thing hypocritical. While death threats are extreme - the reason people watch this show is to judge all of the people looking for their 15 minutes of fame on a reality tv show where barely anyone actually finds love.

    Nicole in WI

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    1. Great comment, Nicole. Agree. I'll even forgive you for following all of them on Twitter--unless you follow me too. DP

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  10. Kaitlyn did not deserve those e-mails and tweets being read out loud by somebody other than her -she could have owned them and read them herself. Anyway, to those people who feel the need to vilify somebody on a reality show, I bet your TV comes with a remote control so if you don't like what you are seeing, CHANGE the channel!
    It was surprising Joe didn't say anything but you have to admit the bird head was funny. It will be interesting to see who K picks and doubt either would be long term guys. Also if she does pick Shawn then decides she should have picked Nick, wonder if Nick would take her back?
    Sal in Utah

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    1. Sal in Utah, It's really anyone's guess at this point. I say Shawn for the reason's I described, but who knows? DP

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  11. Every time you throw in the bit about Roz cheating on Jake at his own cocktail party, and then the guy with the leather cap coming in to take her sh*t, I crack up. I actually had to stop reading for a second because I really had a good giggle. That season was great. Your recaps (and Lincee's) are so smart and hilarious. Thanks for taking the time to do them because they really make me laugh.
    Kate in NY

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    1. Solid. At least one person likes that continuing reference. Thanks for reading! DP

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  12. Hoary frost - Oddly, I remember lingering over that phrase in high school, too.

    Your posts are so entertaining. They also inspire me to write. Corny, but true.

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  13. First off, thanks so much for the Night Shift quote -- love that flick. Pros-tit-tute... maybe even fitting for the Kaitlyn season.

    As for the rest, I'm astounded that you could write that much in less than 30 minutes! Big snaps to you, Some Guy! Wish you could monetize it.

    The Kaitlyn tweets are exceedingly mean and the show has become a farce. Sex, drugs and rock and roll -- which vice will they exploit next season, I only keep watching for you and Lincee.

    Cynically yours,
    Marti in Dallas

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    1. Night Shift. Nice work. I'm THRILLED you got that.

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  14. "… Kaitlyn wasn’t singled out because she has a vagina. She was singled out because she shared it with every single guy she could find."

    When you have to b.s. to even out your playing field, that is a double standard bozo.

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    1. Not sure what this comment means. It's vague and the lack of punctuation makes it hard to assign meaning. If you think what I said was BS or not correct, then let's discuss.

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    2. It means some people are not familiar with hyperbole.

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  15. I can't wait to read what you have to say about last night's show. I'm at work and too busy to sign in (though not too busy to read your blog), and probably couldn't anyway because of all the bans they have on email sites and social media sites, so I always post anonymously.

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  16. I cannot believe the Mom and Dad wore white pants! That alone made the show worth watching. I really wanted Harrison to ask about it in the After the Final Rose!

    Great posts as always - thanks for taking the time in your crazy work life to entertain us. Enjoy texting Kaitlyn's mom.

    emm

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  18. I know you're not blogging BiP but are you watching it? Tennessee Joe is TERRIBLE!!! He is NOT a nice man.

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