Alright, you all know how much I hate this episode. Couple that with the fact that I’m as busy as a Canadian whore on dollar night and you’ll undoubtedly feel my pain. Normally, I wouldn’t use a word like “whore” right out of the metaphorical gate; however, in light of the fact that Harrison used it about 9 times on the show, I feel like it’s alright. I also made my hypothetical whore Canadian because I wanted to remain topical.
Ground Rules for this Post:
1. I really am on a tight schedule so I have to budget my time here.
2. Because of Rule 1, I’m going to allot 30 minutes to write. Whatever comes out during that time gets posted.
3. Let’s get to it.
Bachelor in Paradise Preview. I’m no Puritan and even I was appalled at the preview. The show looks like something I would have snuck downstairs to watch on Cinemax After Dark when I was a kid and my parents were sleeping. On the other hand, it does look like a good way to escape reality for an hour or so once a week.
Note to self: consider watching Bachelor in Paradise but never admitting it to anyone. I’ll log that idea in the “SGIA’s Great Ideas” folder in my Dropbox account next to “Feed tuna fish mayonnaise.”
Let’s get to the show.
Before we rehash every stupid moment from the past 10 shows via the obligatory “Last time . . . on The Bachelorette . . .”. montage, Harrison introduces himself, which is a lot like Santa Claus introducing himself to a room full of 4 year olds. Harrison is a master of the caesura, is he not?
I, like many of you, immediately noticed that Kentucky Joe was wearing white jeans. I wondered aloud why neither Clint nor J.J. had them on in light of the early-season hypothesis that has now graduated into a bona fide theory.
Tanner and Corey lay into Ian because they drew the long straws held by the producer in the green room. I’d recap that for you but I was too preoccupied trying to remember who Corey was and why he’d been given such a prominent speaking role in the Men Tell All. The guy was little more than window dressing during the season. If Kaitlyn was Beowulf then Corey would have been the dragon killed in the first 1/3 of the poem. I honestly could not remember who he was. I was looking for Grendel’s mother after the second break.
A little English Lit humor for you, folks. You’re welcome. Incidentally, I remember being selected for the lead in my 10th grade English class when we read Beowulf aloud in class. I remember liking the phrase “hoary frost” for some reason.
Speaking of hoary, let’s get back to Kaitlyn.
Ian has a Phil Donahue moment when he takes off his jacket—he must have learned that in his pre-Ivy League Preparatory Academy—and begs for forgiveness from the guys and his own mother for being such an arrogant putz. I’m not sure I bought it, but it was, nonetheless, effective. The best part was Harrison’s indignant, “what are doing?”
JJ/Clint “Controversy”. Clint was clearly uncomfortable at the prospect of being labelled a homosexual; so much so he grew a beard (take that, Jared) and reminded us of his raging heterosexuality each time he got a chance to speak. He probably should have thought that out before he decided to pal around with J.J. like a conjoined twin in the hot tub on national television. J.J. undid any progress Clint made on “I’m not gay” front every time he opened his mouth.
Ben H., who is the only person more p*ssy-whipped than Jared when it comes to Kaitlyn, shuts Corey up in order to defend Kaitlyn’s reputation—a Herculean task if you ask me. In light of Harrison’s mean Tweet reading session—for demonstrative purposes, of course—later in the show, the whole show began to smack of hypocrisy.
We’re fed phrases like “blatant double-standard” and given roaring endorsements from Harrison who actually calls her a “role model” for his daughters and gushes over his loyal friendship with her. All of that happened before he called her a “dirty whore” and told her to “close her dirty whore legs” on national television and dismissed the entire reaction to her rampant promiscuity as “cyber-bullying.”
There is no double-standard, by the way. Juan Pablo was hated for sleeping with Clare early and lying to everyone about it and then making inappropriate comments to her on their date. Kaitlyn wasn’t singled out because she has a vagina. She was singled out because she shared it with every single guy she could find.
A. An angry, holier-than-thou mom is shocked and appalled by Kaitlyn sleeping around on national television during prime time programming and fires off an irrational, mean-spirited Tweet; or
B. An entire, well-seasoned production team intentionally plans and then films its contestants’ promiscuous behavior while simultaneously plying them with unlimited alcohol, depriving them of sleep, and cutting them off from the outside world after obtaining a one-sided, carte blanche, non-negotiable release with a seven figure penalty for violating its confidentiality provisions drafted by its own attorneys with the power of a major network behind them and then edits the footage solely with ratings and profit in mind regardless of the personal consequences the behavior may visit on the people in it.
Exactly. If anyone on that show thought Kaitlyn was a saint, they could have cut the footage to reflect that. In short, they could have saved her reputation by not creating one in the first place. Look, it’s all about entertainment value. I get that, but I’m not buying the “cyber-bullying” outrage when they purposely spawned the problem to begin with. Kaitlyn certainly doesn’t deserve death threats but the people who put the show on the air have been doing this long enough to know that was likely to happen. Either they’re insincere or delusional.
Jared shaved his pseudo-beard and actually looked a lot better. I thought he was articulate, thoughtful, and sincere. He got dumped because he was too nice. Kaitlyn doesn’t like nice. I think that’s apparent by looking at who is remaining.
Ben H. gets the “hot seat” and it’s clear that he’s in the running for the next Bachelor. “We’ll see how you test with the audience, Ben, and then we’ll call you.” As long as it’s not Josh Murray from Andi’s season, I think I’m fine with whomever they pick. I think Kentucky Joe would have made a good choice too. He’s chosen the filthy confines of the Bachelor in Paradise, however. It’s time they had a guy with a personality and a sense of humor on the show. Between Ben Flanjik, Juan Pablo, and the “Farmer” from Iowa I’m ready for a change in hiring criteria.
Incidentally, why does ABC even bother identifying the alleged professions of its Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants? We might as well just settle in to the fact that they’re all “aspiring morning show hosts” or “aspiring television personalities.” No one goes on the show looking for a spouse. As long as we’re hanging out in the Trust Tree we might as well admit it. I wonder how that dental degree is panning out for Ashley or how that pilot gig is going for Jake. Remember when he got cheated on by Roz at his own cocktail party?
Speaking of Roz, I’m pretty certain that the fat guy in the leather hat who helped her pack her sh*t, transferred to the ABC Wardrobe Department this season. I’m sorry, but Kaitlyn has not looked very good in anything she’s worn to date. That includes the black sequined high school jazz recital costume she wore on the show this week. All she was missing was a pair of white gloves. I haven’t read Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray’s post yet, but I’d be willing to bet that she threw up all over that getup.
Then it was really about some passive-aggressive comments from some of the more bitter dudes in the bunch that wouldn’t directly call her out for banging the guy she invited on the show so she could bang. She mounts the “try dating this many guys, it’s hard” defense before being defended by the guys too afraid to risk inviting the wrath of the “open-minded” members of the general public who think she didn't embarass herself this season.
I’ve said it before, I will never be so enraged by the behavior of anyone on any reality show that I will be compelled to stop what I’m doing in order to fire off a threatening Tweet directly to that person condemning him or her for whatever played out in California or Ireland or anywhere else. I simply don’t have any skin in the game. People who are that affected by a reality show should probably look for a different hobby.
Well, there it is: a not-so-funny recap of the Men Tell All in just 28 minutes time. My fingers hurt from typing. As always, I’m sorry for the delay. I’ll plan on hitting it out of the park for the big finale next week. I’ve gone on the record several times now saying that she’ll pick Fake Gosling out of a mix of guilt, false obligation, and regret. I’ll go on record today as saying that I’ve never been more unsure of my pick. We shall see.
Enjoy the rest of your week and your weekend. Let me know what you think in the Comments section or on Twitter @someguyinaustin. . . just don’t call me a dirty whore. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be closing my dirty whore legs and shutting the f*ck up. DP