Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 10: Kaitlyn goes All-Way in Galway



Hello, Readers.  Thank you for your patience.  It’s not often I can literally find zero time to write but that was the case last week.  Perhaps I’ll discuss my new endeavor in the off-season, but for now we have more important items to discuss.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

First, Kaitlyn got off easy (no, that’s not a pun) when it came to the Big Bang reveal.  She didn't tell Jared or Kentucky Joe.  She did tell Shawn who literally had to go to the men’s room in order to let the steam out from the bolts in his neck before composing himself and then doing what we all knew he’d do anyway:  bury his jealously and disgust deep enough to stick around in order to get to the final rose ceremony but not deep enough to where they won’t resurface down the road. 

I slept with Nick. Please don't lose your bolts over it.


The problem with repressed feelings is that they eventually explode.  Couple that with Shawn’s blatant insecurity and jealousy and Kaitlyn has a recipe for disaster brewing.  It’s too bad she’s drowned the red flags in whiskey over the past 9 weeks.  How foolish did his broken record “I don’t think Nick’s a good guy” mantra sound?  

Poor Jared and his patchy beard.  I frankly don’t think he saw it coming.  Honestly, it was a toss up between Ben H. and him and he was shorter, failed to grow a legitimate beard, and had a lower paying job.  

Both of those guys have proved themselves to be genuine, decent guys this season.  Unfortunately, the words “genuine” and “decent” are often coupled with “single” and "limo ride home" when it comes to this show.

Oh, and a shout out to Kentucky Joe for leaving with his integrity in tact.  I would have been pissed too.  He’ll be so over it by the Men Tell All I doubt he remembers her name.  Unfortunately for Joe, the only KY Kaitlyn sees in her future is a tube of jelly. 

Kentucky Jelly

Fortunately for me, my failure to write last week was rewarded by the new cliffhanger format we’ve all grown to hate this season.  I tried to tune it out all week, but there it was right after Harrison’s trademark, “tonight . . . on The Bachelorette . . . “.  As if we weren’t blessed enough to witness the sword fight between Shawn and Nick the first time around.  

Episode 10.  

Shawn “confronts” Nick and it goes nowhere.  Nick is a lot smarter than Shawn and he’s also emotionally more mature.  Putting it another way, Nick had a pair of aces he never even had to play because Shawn threw his pair of twos on the table immediately.  He looked like a jealous fool.  Nick, as usual, remained calm.   



Shawn has been riding the same horse since Nick weaseled his way on to the show with the producers’ help in order to stress out guys like Shawn in the first place. Nick is clearly in his head and the entire “talk” smacked of a bunch of macho chest beating that allowed him to momentarily ignore the fact that Kaitlyn A) Invited Nick to show up; B) Slept with him at least twice—on air; and C) Has ignored all of Shawn’s whining for the past 4 weeks and kept Nick around in spite of it.  Talk about ignoring red flags.  Maybe these two are meant for each other after all.   

The view from Shawn's Balcony


We’re STILL in Ireland, by the way.  Props to the Ireland Chamber of Commerce employee who booked that trip.  She must have naked pictures of Harrison and Neil Lane.  

Kaitlin packs her bags and goes from getting Porked in Cork to going All-Way in Galway. 

She strolls and contemplates the hatred between Nick and Shawn, but first, it’s Ben H.’s turn to take a crack at Kaitlyn’s lack of virtue.  Ben shows up in his Irish wool sweater for his Sloppy Seconds Date.  Kaitlyn had the courtesy to dye her roots and get some new highlights.   

In what can only be a date presumably crafted by a sadistic producer with a flare for irony, Kaitlyn and Ben are sent on a horseback riding date.  On the other hand, I suppose that date was a tad appropriate.  Kaitlyn’s been bowlegged since Episode 4.  Still, even I found myself hoping her saddle had a little extra padding in light of the fact that she’s in the middle of the Fantasy Suite Dates.  I’m not a monster, for God’s sake. 

She tells us she’s never ridden a horse.  “That’s about the only thing she hasn’t ridden this season . . . or last season,” I chuckled into my Lone Star.

She and Ben encounter a field of donkeys.  If they threw in an Ivy League-educated, deep thinking, donkey who refused to laugh at the other donkey’s fart jokes I would have sworn we were back at Episode 1 again.  I began to wonder if Kaitlyn had ever been involved with a donkey show before this episode.  That’s a little South Texas border town humor for those of you who missed it.  Annnyyyyyhoooo . . .  


It’s no wonder Kaitlyn got her lips inflated before the season started.  That’s like airing up your tires before a cross country drive.  It’s impossible for her to keep them off anyone’s face or her tongue out of anyone’s throat.  She and Ben head to Kama Sutra Castle where Ben dons his white Irish wool sweater.  Not surprisingly, they Forego the Foreplay and choose to hit the Fantasy Suite.  Man, she’s a sure thing, isn’t she?  She’s like the Halley’s Comet of Bachelorettes. 

I think we all knew Ben H. was headed home at that point.  He’s far too normal, genuine, and level-headed to keep the attention of a woman like Kaitlyn.  For the record, I don’t think she’s an awful person.  I do find her immature and am fairly certain that at least 60% of her decisions are made solely by her vagina, however.  Ergo, her remaining men. 


Before I discuss the date with Shawn allow me to drop a big, fat “I told you so” on all of you who doubted my White Pants Theory. 

Kaitlyn shows up for her big date with Shawn (Thirsty Thirds, in case you were keeping score) in white pants.  They dress for a few holes of golf that were edited into an entire round.  Once I saw those white pants I was certain Shawn would spend a significant time in the sand trap. I’ll spare all of you the rest of the golf innuendos.   

Truth or dare.  Strip naked and run.  That was dumb. 

Dinner with Shawn at some fancy Irish hotel.  Kaitlyn is worried that she and Shawn have been up and down because she’s been “juggling so many things.”  Honestly, I could see where she was coming from.  She had, in fact, juggled a lot of balls over the past couple of days.  Boom. 

Notwithstanding the ball juggling, Kaitlyn drops an atomic bomb on the date and brings up “Why do you hate Nick."  Dinner quickly devolves into a pissing contest about Nick.  She actually has the gall to ask Shawn about the alleged “eskimo brothers” rumor she heard from Nick while simultaneously ignoring the fact that she’s actually slept with Nick twice and Ben once within the past few weeks.  She fails to appreciate the irony that Nick and Shawn (and Ben H. and Chris Soules) are actually “eskimo brothers" thanks to her readily available igloo.  She’s like an on-ramp. 

Shawn leaves the Fantasy Suite and Nick is "spontaneously" waiting around the corner to congratulate him on finally getting what Nick was able to get in half the time with half the effort.  He asks for a quick "man to man" chat.  

Then the entire thing turned into an episode of the Real Housewives with Shawn (again) making the same tired accusations about Nick while failing to realize that the only reason that Nick is there in the first place is because Kaitlyn has kept him around. 

Memo to Kaitlyn:

Shawn’s irrational, hostile, and aggressive reaction toward Nick when he felt threatened and marginalized is indicative of how he handles ALL situations when he feels threatened and marginalized.  That happens quite a bit in a marriage.  Good luck dealing with that if you pick him.  

Harrison shows up for a fireside conversation.  She’s spray tanned and frosted lipsticked. 

Rose Ceremony

She grips and cries.  Harrison meets her in the dark room.  “Pull it together.  Get your ass out there and dump Ben.  Good talk.  I'm out."  

Roses

Nick
Shawn

Gone:  Ben H. 

Ever conscientious, Ben puts his seatbelt on in the backseat of the dump van after the “there’s a great girl out there for you” speech Kaitlyn mustered up to make herself feel better about crushing his dreams.

We’re treated to the extended, awkward pause between Nick and Shawn.  I was waiting for an ice breaker.  There were so many options. 

How was it? 

Did you see the 3rd bird tattoo?

Was your first time as good as my second time?

You didn’t happen to see my boxer shorts in Kaitlyn’s room, did you? 

Sorry I used all of the Kentucky Jelly.  I hope you managed.  


We head to Deer Valley in Utah for the “hometowns.”  I’m not going to try and guess why they did it that way this season.  Frankly, it doesn’t matter.   

Nick shows up at the ski lodge while his family broods like they’re in the waiting room of the morgue.  What a buzz kill.  Nick’s family seemed nice enough and I found it interesting that his brother was Michael Stipe circa 1987.

I can get married now too!  

Shawn. 

Kaitlyn wears her white pants to meet the family.  The older sisters got the ball busting build up but they were nice to Kaitlyn and eventually gave Shawn their blessing. Dad is not sold, however, and hits Shawn with legitimate questions that Shawn isn’t prepared to answer.

It’s always at this juncture of the season that I’m reminded that these are all real people I’m writing about here.  I usually disclaim this blog by saying that I’m simply responding to the first thought that pops into my head when I see the show.  I make no judgment about the people on it as “people;” rather, I’m commenting on how they are portrayed on the show.  That’s still true.

Both of these guys clearly have nice families who love them (and presumably had enough PTO at work in order to burn a few days for a free trip to Deer Valley).  That’s a good thing. 

After meeting both guy’s families Kaitlyn does what any white-jeans wearing, sleeping through the cast, lovesick(?) Bachelorette would be expected to do:  she cries on her balcony. 

A few thoughts before we head—like an anvil dropped from a second story window—toward the Men Tell All next week:

1.         I think Kaitlyn is genuinely distraught over who to pick.  However, I think she loves Nick but feels guilty about not loving Fake Gosling.  She doesn’t want to let him down and she’s mistaking that dread for love.  That means (follow me here) she’ll end up either picking neither of them or picking Fake Gosling.  She will not pick Nick because she will not allow herself to feel guilty for doing it. 

2.         I think both dudes are in love with her.  I usually don’t feel that way at the end of every season, but the formula here appears to have “worked.”  Granted, Shawn’s pent up rage at the fact that she slept with his arch enemy will be a huge factor if she keeps him down the road, but I think he’s fallen for her. 

3.         Nick is more misunderstood than he is a bad guy.  He’s smart and he’s clever.  That, coupled with his late arrival, is what got him hated this season.  My guess is that he has a tendency to rub people the wrong way but that doesn’t make him a fake like Fake Gosling thinks.  He’ll be hurt when she dumps him.  Let’s hope he doesn’t show up on Bachelor in Paradise.  I need a break.

4.         Harrison Rules.

Well, there it is.  Thank you all again for your patience and thank you for sticking around this week.  I appreciate it more than you know.  Rest up.  We have the Men Tell All next week and that’s always exhausting.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be putting my money on Fake Gosling. 

DP      








46 comments:

  1. I just got into work, opened up my computer, started working on something important, and then remembered you said you'd pull an all-nighter last night to get a post up. So I checked, and there it was. Thanks for getting my morning off to a better start.

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    1. First, I hope you're not a brain surgeon. Second, please send my apologies to your boss. Third, you're welcome. DP

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  2. Wow to see you posted so quickly! Had to choose my favorite line from a lot of funnies this time-"Kaitlyn's been bowlegged since Episode 4. Still I find myself hoping her saddle had a little extra padding in light of the fact she's in the middle of the Fantasy Suite dates".
    It's obvious there is no real connection between Shawn and Kaitlyn except her initial impression of his looks cause once she sees how he behaved throughout the season, she will run far away. Nick is harder to figure out. I didn't like him on Anid's season-too smirky -but he has maintained a sense of just letting things happen and not being a drama queen about anything. Ben was too good for this nonsense and if he becomes the Bachelor, I hope he stays the same gentleman we saw along the way.
    It was confusing to me about the visit to Deer Valley. I live here and we had snow in March and the footage they showed had no snow and some trees still had yellow leaves which would put this at late fall. When Kaitlyn was on the balcony, the trees were mostly bare but there was no snow so unless they filmed this after Chris broke up with her to have this footage, I cannot figure out when they might have done this. And too bad I just didn't happen to be wandering around the Montage when they were filming but they appeared to have the place to themselves.
    Can't wait for the men tell all and as usual, I will not remember half of these people.
    Hope your new endeavor is working out.
    Sal in Utah

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    1. You live in Deer Valley? Nice digs. Your points about the weather change are interesting. I may have to investigate. Always good to see you in the mix, Sal. Thanks for reading and commenting. DP

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  3. Yay, I've been waiting for this for 2 weeks!! Glad you could put your demanding personal and work life aside to attend to the important things, i.e., this recap, Some Guy.

    I think that Kaitlyn *wants* to be ready for marriage, and she thinks that she is, but she simply isn't. Probably true of a lot of the Bachelor(ette)s (Brad Womack springs to mind for some reason).

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    1. Thanks for hanging in there. Agreed about Kaitlyn. We'll see what she does. I think she may feel obligated to get engaged. DP

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  4. I too found the horse back riding date incredibly ironic. i laughed out loud when I thought that this wasn't the first time she found herself surrounded by asses. But have to say that I've been disappointed in our bachelorette and hoping for more depth. I guess that is what creative editing can do. thanks for pulling the all-nighter! Desperately missed your commentary last week- glad to have you back! MK

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    1. Thanks, MK. Yea, the cute and fun routine wore off a few weeks ago, didn't it? DP

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  5. "The view from Shawns balcony ". ... I have tears that was so funny. I think Kaitlyn will pick Shawn because she keeps saying that Nick is not her type. That's the kiss of death from any woman.

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    1. IamDerby, another stellar observation. I agree that she picks Shawn. Huge mistake. DP

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  6. It's weird, but I'm actually rooting for Kaitlyn and Nick to end up together for at least a little while. I say weird because 1) I don't particularly like either of them and 2) I have watched this show for so long, I usually just sit and laugh about they'll break up after 2 weeks.

    Even though I don't like her, I'm having a hard time with all the vitriol against her - I mean, she is doing what they all do, just more openly. No one goes on this show because they are so pure of heart and want true love forever - puh-lease.

    Anyway, great recap as always. My favorite is definitely:
    We’re treated to the extended, awkward pause between Nick and Shawn. I was waiting for an ice breaker. There were so many options.
    How was it?
    Did you see the 3rd bird tattoo?
    Was your first time as good as my second time?
    You didn’t happen to see my boxer shorts in Kaitlyn’s room, did you?
    Sorry I used all of the Kentucky Jelly. I hope you managed.

    Nice work DP!

    E in MN

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    1. E, thanks for the favorite in the comments section. As always, I hope she finds true love. A man can hope, can't he? DP

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  7. Another great recap! Love your memo to Kaitlyn. It is exactly what I've been thinking. Even if Shawn is chosen at the end, he will never be able to forgive and forget. Keep up the writing. You are so clever and funny! Have a good week!

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    1. Thanks, Anon. You have a good week as well. DP

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  8. Brother James aka Michael Stipe spot on.

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    1. amanda, solid. An R.E.M. fan in the house. I was worried no one would appreciate that line. DP

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    2. I thought the brother was more like a young Thomas "She Blinded Me With Science" Dolby than M. Stipe but either work and both are funny as you know what.

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    3. Also, anyone else think Shawn's dad was kinda hot? No? Just me? Okay...

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    4. Sammy yes totally could either way with those two

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  9. Oh and Eskimo brothers I mean the irony with that one Nick. Am I getting old?? Never heard that phrase before

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    1. You're not old. You're just not a jackass frat boy. Eskimo brothers are guys who sleep with the same girl. Ridiculous.

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  10. I don't think this qualifies as a spoiler - your thoughts on this, DP? http://www.eonline.com/news/675913/ben-higgins-has-been-chosen-as-the-next-bachelor
    Someone normal? I'm excited to see how that goes.

    CK

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    1. CK, Oh my. I suppose he's as good as any of the others. He's a nice guy, young, and pretty normal. I think they're sick of surprises. DP

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  11. I'm not a fan of her anymore - like you said the cute and fun wore off weeks ago. I am also not a Nick fan, but I think she had her mind made up about choosing him long ago. I think this lead to the regret of her telling Shawn that 'he was the one' in that off camera time nobody knew about.

    I'm happy for Ben H., in that he got to go home - I find myself celebrating the good guys going home instead of my usual disappointment. They're all better off as you've indicated.

    My thought is, each week I just wait to see if Shawn pops a blood vessel - I imagine he's popping blood pressure meds like tic tacs. So if it's this difficult for him to be part of, I can't imagine how he's handling the playback, if he is in fact the chosen one. There's no way he forgives her twice for this. Seeing her giggle like a school girl around Nick will send him into orbit.

    MTA will be interesting and I'm ready to see this play out so that it's over. Thanks for the great recaps - I'm constantly forwarding to my friends who watch!

    kp from KS

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    1. kp, it's nice to have a pimp in Kansas. Thank you. Agree with your comment as well. MTA will be gold. DP

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  12. i feel like we're ALL so over her. and this whole ludicrous circus. and yet, here we are.

    this is why we can't have nice things.

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  13. Kaitlyn is not funny, she is a mess. Shawn is a pressure coooker, he could blow any minute. I would not want to be married to that. Great recap DP! Missed you last week and looking forward to more about the new adventure, and the Men Tell All. Should be very interesting.

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    1. Anon, Yea, I think she's gotten a tad more than she bargained for. You think Britt is thanking her lucky stars? DP

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  14. "Did you see the 3rd bird tattoo" was so good. Making the 2 guys stand around on that rug was so weird! Maybe we were supposed to be hoping they'd strip down and fight, as if we all have the mentality of our classy bachelorette.
    I still kind of like Nick, not sure why. I hope he dodges the Kaitlyn bullet and ends up with a cute Milwaukee girl. Kaitlyn can run off into the sunset with her aggressive (loved your memo to Kaitlyn) and dim-witted bo-hunk, wearing her white jeans! Ha!
    Thanks for the worth-the-wait recap, however I never need to be reminded of how annoying I always found Michael Stipe!

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    1. Meg, you had me until the Stipe comment. I suppose REM isn't for everyone though. It's a generational thing, I guess. Still, the stripping down and fighting comment was solid. Nice work. DP

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    2. Thank you Some Guy! But you have me all wrong - I am totally in the REM generation and probably have every CD up through the one with Shiny Happy People. Michael Stipe just always bugged me with his artsy angst!

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  15. Thank you for recapping two episodes, and quickly! I'm sure you have plenty of other demands on your time. I look forward to hearing about your new endeavor...

    I think Ben H dodged a bullet there. He seems like a nice, normal guy and deserves better than Kaitlyn.

    As for Shawn and Nick. Meh. Shawn is good looking enough, but I have concerns about his barely suppressed jealousy and anger, and Kaitlyn should be worried too. Nick- His delivery style— the hedging, the covering his mouth with his hand— comes across as dodgy and insincere. At best, he talks like a high-schooler. Not attractive.

    Oh, and I also liked the awkward waiting time conversation starters. :-)

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    1. Ann, You're welcome. Thanks for noticing the demands on my time. Not all messages I get are as kind. "Write, Monkey, Write!"
      DP

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  16. Kaitlyn's immaturity will not bode well with Shawn's anger problems and insecurity down the line. But I, too, think she'll pick him out of guilt and the impression she'd make if she'd pick Nick. It's been a really rough couple of months for me, DP, so I'm short on the humor, and that's why I've been mostly absent from your comments, but I just wanted to say thanks for being one of the rare bright spots in my life lately.

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    1. Mal, Chin up, Buttercup. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives your Melons, you're probably dyslexic. Alright, poor joke. Hang in there. Things will get better. They always do. DP

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    2. You wouldn't be you if you didn't throw in a bad joke or two among all the good ones. :)

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  17. DP, you are worth waiting for, as always! Ugh, there are SO many things that I can't stand about this particular season....don't know if I'm just "over it" because I've watched too many seasons or if this particular group is just too ridiculous to even care about.

    Let me say that the second she showed up in her white pants to pick up Shawn, my immediate thought was "White Pants!!!! Some Guy is going to have a field day with that one!!!" :) And I agree that the irony was not lost on me about Kaitlyn making Nick and Shawn Eskimo brothers with HER!!!! (Honestly, all three of them are just too ignorant for words....).

    My favorite of your observations this week were:

    "Kaitlyn’s been bowlegged since Episode 4. Still, even I found myself hoping her saddle had a little extra padding in light of the fact that she’s in the middle of the Fantasy Suite Dates. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake." Not a monster.....I was DYING!!!! :) And the photo of all the red flags as seen from Shawn's balcony. Genius.

    For once I'm actually looking forward to the MTA....

    Best of luck with your new endeavor....Hoping it's a successful one and that it doesn't take you away from us completely?!?!? God forbid that I might actually have to work during the course of my day, rather that sit around reading your blog. HA! :)

    Rose in OC

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  18. Yay! A recap, finally. I know what you're thinking. That I'm easy to please. Probably, but not as easy as Kaitlyn. Good grief. I too appreciated the awkward silence conversation starters. And the "sword fights" were beyond ridiculous. I always appreciate your insight and wit. As always, thank you!
    ~Cariss
    ~Cariss

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  19. I told mywife that Fake-Gosling and Nick-the-Dick were the finalists several weeks ago. She just doesn't seem to understand that the whole premise of the show is to make money for the network. The show has nothing to do with 'love' or 'commitment'. Harrison and Co. simply don't care about the participants. It's all about ratings and Shawn and Nick create the drama necessary for the publicity. As far as the white jeans are concerned...The wife wore them when we went out this week (apparently without thinking about the implications). We got home and one thing led to another...then she was in a position favored by canines when I aimed just a little bit higher and ...she squealed, spun around and let out a loud "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!". I casually mentioned that she wore the white jeans and it was, according to 'the code', an invitation. Some-Guy said so and she reads your blog too.. She looked at me for a second, realized what I was saying and doing and began cracking up. Then she said.....'Ok then, carry on..." Hahahah....best night ever!

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    1. Wow. Uh...congratulations? It's nice to know I'm helping people live out their dreams. Buy your wife some flowers and stay away from a horseback riding date for a while.

      You're welcome. DP

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    2. Agreed. However, let's not squash his enthusiasm. DP

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  20. It is sort of anti-climactic to already know the final results. I am not a fan of either Nick or Shawn but she is being hypocritical and NOT "following (her)hear t if she picks a chronically jealous guy like Shawn. If she is true to herself , Nick would be her final choice ... but that won't happen. Faithfully, Macedonian Hussy

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  21. Good lord, this season. I feel like I'm thankful that we're almost at the end. I'm totally with you about not liking the cliff hanger each week. I guess that had to throw something in the mix to make this season a little different, since there hasn't really been anything exciting going on. And I feel like there have been significantly less Harrison sightings too, which is never a good thing. Always glad to get to read your recaps though! They make it worth it! ~Meg

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  22. Interesting insights about who she picks and not "letting herself feel guilty" for choosing her first-choice guy. I only watched this one episode (and only part of it at that), but Shawn's jealousy issues, silent seething, etc...wow. Kaitlyn should be seeing as many red flags as he is. I guess that makes him the safe choice for a non-relationship, since relationships are not really what this show is about.

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