Hello, Readers. Thank you for your patience. It’s not often I can literally find zero time to write but that was the case last week. Perhaps I’ll discuss my new endeavor in the off-season, but for now we have more important items to discuss. Let’s get to it, shall we?
First, Kaitlyn got off easy (no, that’s not a pun) when it came to the Big Bang reveal. She didn't tell Jared or Kentucky Joe. She did tell Shawn who literally had to go to the men’s room in order to let the steam out from the bolts in his neck before composing himself and then doing what we all knew he’d do anyway: bury his jealously and disgust deep enough to stick around in order to get to the final rose ceremony but not deep enough to where they won’t resurface down the road.
|I slept with Nick. Please don't lose your bolts over it.|
The problem with repressed feelings is that they eventually explode. Couple that with Shawn’s blatant insecurity and jealousy and Kaitlyn has a recipe for disaster brewing. It’s too bad she’s drowned the red flags in whiskey over the past 9 weeks. How foolish did his broken record “I don’t think Nick’s a good guy” mantra sound?
Poor Jared and his patchy beard. I frankly don’t think he saw it coming. Honestly, it was a toss up between Ben H. and him and he was shorter, failed to grow a legitimate beard, and had a lower paying job.
Both of those guys have proved themselves to be genuine, decent guys this season. Unfortunately, the words “genuine” and “decent” are often coupled with “single” and "limo ride home" when it comes to this show.
Oh, and a shout out to Kentucky Joe for leaving with his integrity in tact. I would have been pissed too. He’ll be so over it by the Men Tell All I doubt he remembers her name. Unfortunately for Joe, the only KY Kaitlyn sees in her future is a tube of jelly.
Fortunately for me, my failure to write last week was rewarded by the new cliffhanger format we’ve all grown to hate this season. I tried to tune it out all week, but there it was right after Harrison’s trademark, “tonight . . . on The Bachelorette . . . “. As if we weren’t blessed enough to witness the sword fight between Shawn and Nick the first time around.
Shawn “confronts” Nick and it goes nowhere. Nick is a lot smarter than Shawn and he’s also emotionally more mature. Putting it another way, Nick had a pair of aces he never even had to play because Shawn threw his pair of twos on the table immediately. He looked like a jealous fool. Nick, as usual, remained calm.
Shawn has been riding the same horse since Nick weaseled his way on to the show with the producers’ help in order to stress out guys like Shawn in the first place. Nick is clearly in his head and the entire “talk” smacked of a bunch of macho chest beating that allowed him to momentarily ignore the fact that Kaitlyn A) Invited Nick to show up; B) Slept with him at least twice—on air; and C) Has ignored all of Shawn’s whining for the past 4 weeks and kept Nick around in spite of it. Talk about ignoring red flags. Maybe these two are meant for each other after all.
|The view from Shawn's Balcony|
We’re STILL in Ireland, by the way. Props to the Ireland Chamber of Commerce employee who booked that trip. She must have naked pictures of Harrison and Neil Lane.
Kaitlin packs her bags and goes from getting Porked in Cork to going All-Way in Galway.
She strolls and contemplates the hatred between Nick and Shawn, but first, it’s Ben H.’s turn to take a crack at Kaitlyn’s lack of virtue. Ben shows up in his Irish wool sweater for his Sloppy Seconds Date. Kaitlyn had the courtesy to dye her roots and get some new highlights.
In what can only be a date presumably crafted by a sadistic producer with a flare for irony, Kaitlyn and Ben are sent on a horseback riding date. On the other hand, I suppose that date was a tad appropriate. Kaitlyn’s been bowlegged since Episode 4. Still, even I found myself hoping her saddle had a little extra padding in light of the fact that she’s in the middle of the Fantasy Suite Dates. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake.
She tells us she’s never ridden a horse. “That’s about the only thing she hasn’t ridden this season . . . or last season,” I chuckled into my Lone Star.
She and Ben encounter a field of donkeys. If they threw in an Ivy League-educated, deep thinking, donkey who refused to laugh at the other donkey’s fart jokes I would have sworn we were back at Episode 1 again. I began to wonder if Kaitlyn had ever been involved with a donkey show before this episode. That’s a little South Texas border town humor for those of you who missed it. Annnyyyyyhoooo . . .
It’s no wonder Kaitlyn got her lips inflated before the season started. That’s like airing up your tires before a cross country drive. It’s impossible for her to keep them off anyone’s face or her tongue out of anyone’s throat. She and Ben head to Kama Sutra Castle where Ben dons his white Irish wool sweater. Not surprisingly, they Forego the Foreplay and choose to hit the Fantasy Suite. Man, she’s a sure thing, isn’t she? She’s like the Halley’s Comet of Bachelorettes.
I think we all knew Ben H. was headed home at that point. He’s far too normal, genuine, and level-headed to keep the attention of a woman like Kaitlyn. For the record, I don’t think she’s an awful person. I do find her immature and am fairly certain that at least 60% of her decisions are made solely by her vagina, however. Ergo, her remaining men.
Before I discuss the date with Shawn allow me to drop a big, fat “I told you so” on all of you who doubted my White Pants Theory.
Kaitlyn shows up for her big date with Shawn (Thirsty Thirds, in case you were keeping score) in white pants. They dress for a few holes of golf that were edited into an entire round. Once I saw those white pants I was certain Shawn would spend a significant time in the sand trap. I’ll spare all of you the rest of the golf innuendos.
Truth or dare. Strip naked and run. That was dumb.
Dinner with Shawn at some fancy Irish hotel. Kaitlyn is worried that she and Shawn have been up and down because she’s been “juggling so many things.” Honestly, I could see where she was coming from. She had, in fact, juggled a lot of balls over the past couple of days. Boom.
Notwithstanding the ball juggling, Kaitlyn drops an atomic bomb on the date and brings up “Why do you hate Nick." Dinner quickly devolves into a pissing contest about Nick. She actually has the gall to ask Shawn about the alleged “eskimo brothers” rumor she heard from Nick while simultaneously ignoring the fact that she’s actually slept with Nick twice and Ben once within the past few weeks. She fails to appreciate the irony that Nick and Shawn (and Ben H. and Chris Soules) are actually “eskimo brothers" thanks to her readily available igloo. She’s like an on-ramp.
Shawn leaves the Fantasy Suite and Nick is "spontaneously" waiting around the corner to congratulate him on finally getting what Nick was able to get in half the time with half the effort. He asks for a quick "man to man" chat.
Then the entire thing turned into an episode of the Real Housewives with Shawn (again) making the same tired accusations about Nick while failing to realize that the only reason that Nick is there in the first place is because Kaitlyn has kept him around.
Memo to Kaitlyn:
Shawn’s irrational, hostile, and aggressive reaction toward Nick when he felt threatened and marginalized is indicative of how he handles ALL situations when he feels threatened and marginalized. That happens quite a bit in a marriage. Good luck dealing with that if you pick him.
Harrison shows up for a fireside conversation. She’s spray tanned and frosted lipsticked.
She grips and cries. Harrison meets her in the dark room. “Pull it together. Get your ass out there and dump Ben. Good talk. I'm out."
Gone: Ben H.
Ever conscientious, Ben puts his seatbelt on in the backseat of the dump van after the “there’s a great girl out there for you” speech Kaitlyn mustered up to make herself feel better about crushing his dreams.
We’re treated to the extended, awkward pause between Nick and Shawn. I was waiting for an ice breaker. There were so many options.
How was it?
Did you see the 3rd bird tattoo?
Was your first time as good as my second time?
You didn’t happen to see my boxer shorts in Kaitlyn’s room, did you?
Sorry I used all of the Kentucky Jelly. I hope you managed.
We head to Deer Valley in Utah for the “hometowns.” I’m not going to try and guess why they did it that way this season. Frankly, it doesn’t matter.
Nick shows up at the ski lodge while his family broods like they’re in the waiting room of the morgue. What a buzz kill. Nick’s family seemed nice enough and I found it interesting that his brother was Michael Stipe circa 1987.
|I can get married now too!|
Kaitlyn wears her white pants to meet the family. The older sisters got the ball busting build up but they were nice to Kaitlyn and eventually gave Shawn their blessing. Dad is not sold, however, and hits Shawn with legitimate questions that Shawn isn’t prepared to answer.
It’s always at this juncture of the season that I’m reminded that these are all real people I’m writing about here. I usually disclaim this blog by saying that I’m simply responding to the first thought that pops into my head when I see the show. I make no judgment about the people on it as “people;” rather, I’m commenting on how they are portrayed on the show. That’s still true.
Both of these guys clearly have nice families who love them (and presumably had enough PTO at work in order to burn a few days for a free trip to Deer Valley). That’s a good thing.
After meeting both guy’s families Kaitlyn does what any white-jeans wearing, sleeping through the cast, lovesick(?) Bachelorette would be expected to do: she cries on her balcony.
A few thoughts before we head—like an anvil dropped from a second story window—toward the Men Tell All next week:
1. I think Kaitlyn is genuinely distraught over who to pick. However, I think she loves Nick but feels guilty about not loving Fake Gosling. She doesn’t want to let him down and she’s mistaking that dread for love. That means (follow me here) she’ll end up either picking neither of them or picking Fake Gosling. She will not pick Nick because she will not allow herself to feel guilty for doing it.
2. I think both dudes are in love with her. I usually don’t feel that way at the end of every season, but the formula here appears to have “worked.” Granted, Shawn’s pent up rage at the fact that she slept with his arch enemy will be a huge factor if she keeps him down the road, but I think he’s fallen for her.
3. Nick is more misunderstood than he is a bad guy. He’s smart and he’s clever. That, coupled with his late arrival, is what got him hated this season. My guess is that he has a tendency to rub people the wrong way but that doesn’t make him a fake like Fake Gosling thinks. He’ll be hurt when she dumps him. Let’s hope he doesn’t show up on Bachelor in Paradise. I need a break.
4. Harrison Rules.
Well, there it is. Thank you all again for your patience and thank you for sticking around this week. I appreciate it more than you know. Rest up. We have the Men Tell All next week and that’s always exhausting. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be putting my money on Fake Gosling.