Bachelorettes Britt and Kaitlyn: Episode 1: Ryan Rules

Journey Count 2

Amazing Count 8

. . . and we're off.  

Like American Pharaoh speeding away from the competition toward the finish line, The Bachelorette came thundering back into our living rooms tonight.  Yes, Folks, it's that time of year.  It's time for Kaitlyn and Britt to do their best to secure the 13 votes needed to propel one of them toward temporary superstardom while simultaneously jettisoning the other into a local cable TV hosting gig.  

If you don't count the drunk guy that Harrison and the fat guy with the black leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party kicked out on night one,  then it's time for 24 bros to sword fight their way into the Fantasy Suite in order to possibly maybe propose to either Kaitlyn or Britt for a shot at conditionally earning the potential right to hypothetically be tentatively engaged for an indefinite period of time in order to think about getting married . . . maybe.  

As always, I'll disclaim the fact that this episode is really hard to keep track of and write about immediately after I watch it.  There are a lot of moving idiots to keep track of and with Harrison and the Fat Guy in the Leather Hat cleaning house, it was even more difficult this time.  And why don't they trust Harrison with the key to the Rose Boxes?  Perhaps they need two keys to open them like the nuclear code briefcase?  At any rate,  I'll break it down by the guys in order of their appearances on the ABC website rather than on the show.  Pictures are there A.) to help us remember who the guys are; and B.) for purposes of mocking their appearance.  

A couple of observations first:  I'm a Kaitlyn guy for purposes of the show.  She's funny, more genuine, and probably a lot easier to deal with than Britt would have been.  Britt is physically hotter, but I could never date her.  Ever.  

I lack any inside information but my guess is that Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette.  Oh, and she reminds me of Miley Cyrus.  The good news is that we'll only have to wait a day to find out if she's the big "winner."  Either way, it's going to be a good season.  I can feel it.  Britt will settle in nicely to her Good Morning Burbank hosting gig.  

I'm more pumped up than Kaitlyn's new lips.  Now, let's get to it. 

Ben H., 26, Software Salesman--Ben tells us that, given the choice, he'd have lunch with Nelson Mandela because he was tortured and enslaved for what he believed in.  If that won't prepare Ben H. for marriage, nothing will.  His entrance was about as uneventful as a Mississippi spelling bee and he went to the "I do charity work with kids too" line way too soon.  Someone needs to tell him that Britt doesn't really DO the charity work.  She just signs up for it.  Perhaps his brothers Greg and Bobby can do that for him.  #peterbrady.

Ben Z., 26, Entrepreneur--He tells us that his greatest achievement is passing his personal trainer test.  Huge accomplishment, Ben Z.  Not everyone can teach girls how to lift weights while sitting on a giant rubber ball.  Crossfit obsession aside, he actually seemed relatively normal and does have the "my mother died when I was young" trump card to play should the time call for it.   

Bradley, 25, International Auto Shipper--wants a woman to turn the tables and pursue him.  That's called stalking, Bradley.  Frankly, that shouldn't be too hard to find.  He's the guy who showed up in a red headband with a tennis racket for some reason.  I say it every season, if a guy can survive the ridiculous entrance and lay low at the cocktail party, he's golden.  Fortunately for Bradley, Ryan M. made it easier than banging Claire in the ocean to stay below the radar.  Hell, Adolf Hitler could have stayed below the radar with Ryan M. at that party.  

Brady, 33, Singer/Songwriter--He dresses like Johnny Nagarelli in Grease 2.  He's probably excited to sleep on a cot in a crowded mansion rather than on his buddies' couches for a change.  Another guy with a guitar?  Please.  He tells us that he's "always had melodies inside" him.  It's too bad he didn't have any fashion sense in there as well.  I assume that, like me, you quickly tired of his "I'm a sensitive musician type who is in touch with my feelings" routine.  He and the Healer should collaborate.  They can write an entire album about bullshit.  

Chris, 28, Dentist--Nice blouse.  Was it me or did any of you get a creepy serial killer vibe from this guy?  Granted, dentists are a weird bunch, but I got an Aleister Crowley/Patrick Bateman vibe from him.  Give him a few years before he drops dentistry and ends up as the charismatic leader of his own cult.  Oh yea, and he drove a cupcake to the intro.  

Clint, 27, Architectural Engineer.  Hard job that requires smarts which explains the painfully awkward entrance and awkward side hugs he artfully designed on his drafting table for the ladies.  I'll bet some of you found that sweet and endearing.  He seemed nice enough.  I don't feel one way or another about him which means he had a successful cocktail party.  

Corey, 30, Investment Banker.  "Is the offer to plow your field still on the table?"  Solid entrance joke that bent but didn't break.  For an entrance that broke before it even bent, see the male stripper.    Corey kept it simple and got a big laugh out of Kaitlyn.  Women remember men who make them laugh.  He's a beach volleyball player which means he'll excel at the pool party.  If Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette, he'll do well in spite of the sexually ambiguous head shot.   

Cory, 35, Residential Developer.  I remember him because he's from Pearland, Texas which is about an hour from where I grew up.    He laid it on pretty thick at the intro but I'll chalk that up to nervousness.  The numbers favored him tonight.  If he can get over his nerves, he may do well.  

Daniel, 28, Fashion Designer.  He danced a lot in his intro.  He might have danced his way out of a shot at moving on to the next show.  He's window dressing and was in more background shots than the Grand Canyon.  Based on the editing, I say he's gone soon.  

David, 26, Real Estate Agent.  He had different hair which made me have to think about who he was.  He seemed friendly with the other guys which means he's probably sure enough of himself.  He'll probably stick around for a while.   

Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter with an undeniable attraction to Kaitlyn.  He made it clear he was attracted to her, didn't equivocate, and was the first to grab her at the cocktail party and spirit her away to the wicker furniture to profess his attraction to her.  He was a man among boys and didn't make a fool of himself doing it.  Good for that guy.  He's a Princeton educated former track star who fought back from a car wreck that almost ended his life.  If he can keep it together, he should go far.  It's always interesting to see how the people with real life experience and perspective excel on this show, isn't it?  Interesting indeed. 

Jared, 26, Restaurant Manager with the pointiest longest chin in the history of chins.  Good Lord. Was anyone else distracted by that thing?  It looked like something you'd tunnel though mountains with.  He's going to have to warn whoever goes in for the first kiss so she doesn't lose an eye.  He's a case study in mandibular prognathism and Bieber haircuts.  

J.J., 32, Former Investment Banker, which means he's currently unemployed.  He's probably filthy rich because the only "former" investment bankers I know are burnouts addicted to just about everything or had to quit their jobs so they could count all of their money.  He was the first to drop the "love at first sight' talk which is always a harbinger for some sort of borderline psychotic behavior.  Like Corey, he hit Kaitlyn with a sexually suggestive "I want to puck you" joke that went over well.  If he's not the possessive, insecure type he appears to be, he'll stick around.  

Joe, 28, Insurance Agent--Minus some orange hair he looks like The Heat Miser from The Year without Santa Claus.  He looks like David Boreanaz's older, less attractive brother.  He talks like Forrest Gump too.  Bless his heart, he's from Kentucky.  I actually liked him despite him being easy to pick on.  I'm just not sure either one of these girls is ready to entertain the small town move again.  He's not a smart man, Jenny, but he knows what love is.  

Jonathan, 33, Automotive Spokesman.  He lives in Detroit and has a 5 year old son.  He came across as a tad aggressive during the intro and was a big fan of Britt.  If she's not picked, then he'll likely lose interest.  Detroit is not exactly a big selling point either.  

Josh, 27, Law Student/Exotic Dancer.   Look, I hate to pile on but sometimes a guy comes along who asks for it.  It's perfectly ok to judge someone who asks to be judged.  Josh is one of those guys.  Based on the fake male stripper/fireman intro he concocted for the show so we could see him shirtless it was clear he had a lot of things tatooted on various areas of his body.  However, he had "Idiot" written all over him.  He has the number 22 tattooed on his chest in Roman numerals.  I assume that signifies what a jerkoff he is on a scale of 1 to 10.  Everyone knows that hot 20 something women don't go to male strip shows.  Middle-aged women who work in Accounting or Human Resources go there to celebrate a co-worker's successful lap band surgery.  Then again, aren't all strippers working on their Masters or Juris Doctorates?  Kaitlyn summed it up best when Josh tried to "impress" them with his stripper moves out of the limo.  "You can have this one, Britt."  Indeed.  Can't wait for him to continue to annoy me on Bachelor Pad.      

Joshua, 31, Industrial Welder.  Minus the vest/plaid shirt combo at the cocktail party, he was my favorite next to Joe Dirt from Kentucky.  Normal, blue collar, small town guy.  Unfortunately, Idaho starts with an "I" which means it will remind both women of Iowa.  

Justin, 28, Fitness Trainer.  He brought balloons for Kaitlyn.  Other than that . . . crickets. 

Kupah, 32, Entrepreneur.  The poor man's L.L. Cool J.  His entrance was not that Supah Dupah.  

Ryan B., 32, Realtor.  Clearly overshadowed (and out drunk) by his namesake below, Ryan B. dropped "Disney Princess" on Britt before taking the Most Feminine Guy in the Bunch trophy.  

Ryan M., 28, Junkyard Specialist.  Epic appearance.  "I'm not doing anything . . . except being awesome."  He quoted Anchorman and Swingers, threw an well-timed co*k block at the car pool guy, told at least three people they sucked, disrobed and got into the pool, stumbled onto his face when getting out of the pool, grabbed Kaitlyn's ass, referred to Britt and Kaitlyn as B*tches and Ho's, almost fought 3 guys, got summoned by Chris Harrison, escorted by the Fat Guy in the Hat, and was thrown out of the cocktail party but not before he could leave with a timid, "yea, sorry about that," to Harrison.  Say what you want about that guy but he was CLEARLY there for the right reasons.  There hasn't been a drunken appearance that good since that guy Jeff actually passed out at the cocktail party during Ashley's season.  Solid showing, Ryan M.  The best part about that is that it will actually improve his status among his Junkyard Specialist peers.   

Shawn B., 28, Personal Trainer.  Poor man's Ryan Gosling and he knows it.  From the ill-fitting shark skin suit to the facial hair and over gelled pompadour, he was clearly going for the Noah Calhoun vibe.  Britt and Kaitlyn seemed to suggest he'd have been given a first impression rose, but Mrs. SGIA wasn't seeing it and, frankly, neither was I.  

Shawn E., 28, Amateur Sex Coach and Professional Idiot.  The "car pool" was mildly amusing but we all know it wasn't his idea.  He seemed a little tightly wound after the co*k block from Ryan M. and then--apparently--thought it was appropriate to give Britt anal sex tips on their one-on-one time while simultaneously admitting he wasn't a "real" sex coach but he was just planning to be one when he found the right girl.  I'm sure all of you were squirming on your couch seats fanning yourselves to keep from fainting.  What a charmer.  His best bet would be to drop the act, but we all know he won't.  

Tanner, 28, Auto Finance Manager.  Milked the box of tissues schtick until its udders bled.  Another below the radar guy who seemed normal enough. We'll see what time tells.  If Britt is the Bachelorette he'll have to tell her that he's a Finance Manager.  Unlike him, she likely won't hold any interest.   You're welcome.  For those of you who got that joke, I'll be here all week.   Here's another one you won't enjoy.  I once asked a florist on a date.  She called me back and told me she'd already made other arrangements.   

     

Tony, 35, Healer.  Substitute a massage table for a guitar and he's basically Brady with longer hair.  Not only did he give the exact same welcome speech to both girls, he waffled all night until eventually picking Britt.  He "specializes" in "flexibility therapy" and talks to his plants.  He's one turquoise necklace and a lapis prism away from moving to Albuquerque or Sedona to align his chakras and center his whatever.  As far as I'm concerned he can stick it up his vortex.     

Well, there it is:  the season's first post.  Tune in tomorrow when we'll find out who gets picked and who gets kicked.  Oh, and there is another small piece of information I need to share.  

On Wednesday, Lincee www.ihategreenbeans.com Ray will be making the 3 hour drive to Austin, Texas to visit Some Guy and Mrs. Some Guy.  Why?  Chris Harrison is having a book signing at Barnes and Noble in the Arboretum.  Lincee and I are going to meet Harrison.  We'll be there from 6-8 and we're seriously considering setting up our own booth.  If you're in town, come say hello.  

Follow me on Twitter and post your comments below.  It's good to be back.  In the meantime, place your bets.  If you need me, I'll be drinking heavily and telling people how much they suck.   DP