Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Episode Whatever: Andi is Horny, Not Corny

Well Hello, Readers,

Yea, it's me.  I've decided to carve out a little time post-episode to share my thoughts on Andi's wardrobe, Josh's Mr. Ed teeth, Nick's low key consistency, Chris' blue balls, and Harrison's Bachelor in Paradise Don Johnson wardrobe.  Let's get to it, shall we?

First of all, let's harken back to last week's hometown dates.

Dear Chris, I love your salt-of-the-earth honesty, but the response to "What would I do for work here?" is not "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker."    That question is equivalent to the following Relationship Trap Questions.  To be clear, RTQ's are deliberate traps set for unsuspecting, well-meaning men in relationships.  These include:

1.  Do I look fat in these (insert newly purchased article of trendy clothing)?

2.  Do you think she's pretty?

3.  Would you ever (insert a male behavior that her best friend is currently upset about) to me?

4.  Do you like strip clubs?

5.  Would you rather go out with your friends or go see (insert Nicolas Sparks movie) tonight?

The ONLY answer to ALL of these questions is a firm, quickly uttered "No, of course not."  Any equivocation or hint of a positive response will result in horrible consequences.  Sometimes it's wiser to just keep the train on the tracks rather than pulling the brake.  Back to Chris.

I'll give the guy credit for his honesty.  It's clear he's an established guy with realistic expectations about where he is in life.




Josh, on the other hand, has less direction than an Iowa weather vane in a windstorm.  It's clear the guy has no plan beyond the Fantasy Suite.  Hell, I'm not sure he's going to propose next week even after Neil Lane drops in after his all nighter with Harrison at the local Dominican nudie bar.

Speaking of Josh, it is me or did his entire family look like Andi?  His mother looked like an older version of her.  As creepy as that sounds, it doesn't end there.  Josh's dental situation also resembles the horse's teeth that Chris rode during his Dump Date in the Dominican Republic.  Andi was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard on Father's Day.  Granted, after two Fantasy Dates horseback riding was probably not the most considerate activity for the producers to choose.  She'd have been better off with a big bottle of cranberry juice, a giant tub of Desitin, and a well-placed bag of ice.




Speaking of sore wedding tackle, I feel horrible for Chris.  I think we all know that giving him the third Fantasy Date when Andi knew she was neither A.) Going to forego the foreplay and throw him some Courtesy Copulation in the Fantasy Suite, nor B.) Going to keep him around until the Rose Ceremony was a not so clever way of putting the exclamation point on the "He had his heart broken by Andi, but now he's returned to find love" narrative we'll hear on the ABC promos and well into the first episode of his season when he's selected as the next Bachelor.  Being forced to catch the Red eye with Blue balls is a bad way to go out.  Fleiss owes him a solid.

Let's talk about Nick.  Alright, so he's not as affable as Josh.  He's got worse hair and he's clearly uncomfortable with the format of the show.  He's done a poor job hiding his emotions and an even worse job being patient this season.  Nonetheless, Andi is clearly interested and, minus Josh and the entire production staff, he'd have a solid shot at landing her in the real world.

(Here comes the "however".)

HOWEVER, even though he made it to home plate on the Fantasy Date (or was it the dugout?), Andi has Josh on the brain (and every other part of her anatomy for that matter).  She repeatedly buys Josh's brooding invasion of her personal space as a substitution for saying anything substantive.  She giggled like a little girl at his cursory Spanish and she jumped into the Fantasy Suite faster than she jumped on that horse.

"But Josh is a former baseball player and doesn't have a job," you say?  Irrelevant.    Josh doesn't have a job but Andi certainly has some openings he could fill.  

The only difference between her horseback ride with Chris and her night with Josh was stirrups.  Nick is done.  Plain and simple.  It's all over but the boat ride, the overhead helicopter shots of her kissing Josh, and the teary-eyed limo interview with Nick.

If you've been listening carefully and reading Andi's body language the answer is as loud as the flowy silk mumu she wore on her date with Chris.  While she is clearly ATTRACTED to Marcus, Chris, and Nick she's not EXCITED by any of them.  Add in Marcus' incessant neediness and Chris' geographical handicap and those two are easy to figure out.  Again, in a vacuum, she'd date Nick.  Next to Josh, he, like Marcus and Chris before him, is simply neither as intriguing nor as risky.  She's never been bored with Josh.  That's not the case with the other three.

The bottom line is that most women will accept just about anything from men they are attracted to except boredom.  If I'm wrong about that . . . .  Nevermind, I'm not wrong about that.   That's why women will pick a funny guy over a good looking one and why someone as ugly as Mick Jagger has been pulling in models since the mid-sixties.





Moving on.  Let's discuss Andi's wardrobe.  Look, I'm no Tommy Hilfiger, but Andi's wardrobe is awful.  As I've said before, she's no Emily but she's not unattractive.  While she doesn't "do it" for me, she's a young woman with a nice figure, thick healthy hair, and good skin tone.  She's a fresh fish but she's wrapped sloppily in old newspaper most of the time.  From the horrible necklines in her Alexis Colby evening gowns to the unflattering mumu-esque silk shirts, coupled with a rat's nest for a hairstyle, she just hasn't done much to accentuate her best features--or even the ones ole Hy Dorfman paid for.




Let me clarify.  I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy.  Any girl who can look good in a regular pair of jeans and a t-shirt is far more attractive to me than a taped, tucked, Spanxxed, and plastered woman squeezed into a fancy evening gown.  Unzipping that evening gown after the big night out is like opening a can of biscuits.






My point is that if you're going to go that route--especially on live TV when you're supposed to look all angelic and marry-able--do it right.  She's shown less taste this season than Chris has shown upper lip.  Her Rose Ceremony dress last night looked like she picked it up from the tailor before he was finished with it.  Let's hope the wedding dress (I typed that with a straight face) is flattering.

Alright, like all of my posts this season, this one is short and sweet.  It looks like the big finale will feature (for a second time) yet another ex-baseball player sweating profusely on a tropical island as he makes a poor decision.  In the interim, I'll remind you that Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray will be a welcome guest at Mr. and Mrs. Some Guy's house for the Men Tell All show next week.  She's promised to mop the floors and clean the pool in exchange for her air conditioned room.

I've already put a temporary sign on the guest bedroom door labelled "Lair of Seclusion" and we've purchased a Pier 1 shelf on which I've placed a head shots of Chris Harrison, Ryan Gosling, and Bradley Cooper.  I'm still working on filling it with strategically placed candles and some soft blue backlighting so Lincee will feel right at home.  

Let me know what you think of my picks in the Comment section below.  Enjoy the rest of your week and I'll be in touch soon.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be ironing my turquoise suit.  DP
















34 comments:

  1. Long time reader, occasional poster here. I've missed your insights and agree it's completely agree with your take on Josh. Did you happen to hear the comment Josh made when the fireworks first erupted? It was something referencing his looming eruption in the Fantasy Suite but I've forgotten his exact words. Can you imagine sitting down with him and trying to have any sort of conversation? Yeah, me neither. A no substance control freak without a job is certainly what most of us women visualize when we think of our Prince Charming. Wonder if Daddy will look past those shortcomings since lil bro is a former Bulldog.

    Thanks for the actual LOL's, DP!

    CK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That second sentence went off the rails but I believe you get the gist!

      CK

      Delete
    2. CK, I'm afraid I was paying more attention to my Lone Star that whatever was coming out of his mouth. Glad you decided to comment. Thanks for reading as long as you have. DP

      Delete
  2. You need Channing Tatum on that shelf.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Noted. However, I'm pretty sure those are the top three. Tatum would finish a distant fourth. DP

      Delete
  3. Hey some guy, don't forget to hose down the driveway before she gets out of her car!

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Andi was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard on Father's Day..." That gal knew she was going to take Chris riding, but what kind of get-up was THAT? A kite? I had a feeling Chris was out. He lacks something--i.e., sex appeal (at least to me). Wow...

    Also I think Josh (aka a bit long in the tooth) is too rambling in his "I love You's as if he's trying to convince himself and her...is it just me? , too loquacious...

    I have been missing you because our computer has been down and we couldn't
    even get e-mail. Will also check out my other favorite, Lincee. You know, coincidentally, I too thought of Alexis Colby from Dynasty (Joan Collins is probably duct taped inside that gown by now) when I saw Andi in that strange gown. She's too young for it. I notice she still has some of that orange hair and why, I can't understand and why it irritates me - it looks tacky. All it would take would be some L'Oreal Sable Brown to correct it but maybe she doesn't think she's worth it?! Keep that rapier wit, Wishing you and Mrs. SGIA my best regards.

    Faithfully, Macedonian Hussy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MH, good to hear from you. I'm glad your computer problems are fixed. Thanks for the comment. DP

      Delete
  5. Andi is so infatuated with Josh she can't see anything else. His teeth are too big and too white, and it's true his family all look like Andi. I like Nick, but how many times did he use "like" in his conversation with Andi during the fantasy date? Geesh!
    Totally agree with you on her wardrobe choices. Whenever she wore white shorts it reminded me of you and I thought "She is no Emily" :-)

    You should try to find a life size photo of Chris Harrison to put in your guest bedroom for Lincee, she would appreciate it big time. As someone upthread pointed out, hosing down the driveway is a must. Also, a big bouquet of red roses on that Pier One bookcase/shelf unit would be a nice touch too. We want some pictures of the two of you watching the show!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Liana, You're right. She is no Emily. I'll work on the Harrison cut out. Pics to follow! DP

      Delete
  6. Loved this line: " Josh doesn't have a job but Andi certainly has some openings he could fill." Perfect! I think she is going to pick Nick though. I am not sure why its just something about the way she acts when he is around. My husband is appalled by Nick's wardrobe choices- particularly the crazy colored pants and odd sport coats. What do you think?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IamDerby, we shall see. I'm usually wrong about the finale but have a knack for the rest of it. I just think she's infatuated. And yes, none of these guys dress worth a shit. Maybe it's a generational gap or maybe poor fashion choices are in, which would make them cool? I agree with your husband. Jeans are only one color: blue. DP

      Delete
  7. "The bottom line is that most women will accept just about anything from men they are attracted to except boredom." I think you could switch women and men in that sentence and it would be just as true frankly! Who wants to be attracted to someone but bored? But the thing is... not all women (nor men) go after the one who is clearly not interested in you. That's Andi's problem. She is seriously a glutton for punishment.

    And boring and a bad dresser as you point out. Thanks for the post as always!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon, Valid point. However, I think women are more guilty of hanging in there longer than men. Agree about Andi's "problem." Look, Josh may end up being the "right" choice but I think she's making it for the wrong reason. I hope they're happy. DP

      Delete
  8. "She'd have been better off with a big bottle of cranberry juice, a giant tub of Desitin, and a well-placed bag of ice." You kill me, DP. You really do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Romanesque and Some Guy, I loved the line you have quoted, as well. However, my laugh out loud moment was the sentence before, "Granted, after two Fantasy Dates horseback riding was probably not the most considerate activity for the producers to choose." Great post, Some Guy!

      Delete
    2. It's nice to know my anatomy humor isn't wasted. DP

      Delete
    3. That was my laugh out loud moment as well. That thought never occurred to me, pure evil genius at work there. Andi must have been really bitchy and difficult to work with (as hard as that is to believe) to draw that card, ouch. Maybe that was a determining factor in her not taking Chris for a test drive. And maybe the producers though that through to and decided it would be better for Farmer's bachelor season if he wasn't damaged goods. Wow a whole conspiracy theory is being born here.......
      Thanks for the great recaps. I love your insights and humor !

      Delete
    4. Test drive? Nice. I wonder if she had to show a valid driver's license and insurance

      DP

      Delete
  9. Great post as always Some Guy. Did you see that Brooks is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise? How MAD is Desireee about this????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't been paying attention to BIP casting. Some of these people just won't go away. Des' brother will know where to find him at least. DP

      Delete
  10. There is not a snowball chance in hell that Andi chooses anyone but Josh. Listen, I am no great fan of either Josh or Andi but they actually make sense to me as a couple...and he's really the only guy I see Andi going for long term. Josh is a player for sure but he's also 30, Southern, finally done with school (he actually appears to have a job as a financial advisor), and around the "it's time to settle down" phase of life [especially w/ a NFL bound bro with a hot GF- Josh needs to bring something to the table]. Couple that with a "nice" Jewish girl handpicked by his lookalike nice Jewish mom and I could see where he would just go with it. Andi is self-described as good at mind games, difficult, a diva, and bratty....so basically she's a b*tch and proud. She's looking for an alpha-dog who happens to be super hot and keeps her interested by making her chase him a bit- Josh is the only one who really fits the bill, with Chris as a distant second. Nick is her exploration of a different and new type but just like there was zero chance she was moving to Iowa, there is now zero chance she is choosing mental connection in Milwaukee over hot and heavy in Hotlanta. I rarely believe in the long term chances of couples on this show but I think Josh and Andi are at least somewhat evenly matched.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great insights, Lindsey. You should write a blog of your own. I don't disagree with you. We shall see. DP

      Delete
  11. Can't stop laughing at the comparison of unzipping an evening gown to opening a can of biscuits!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's an old Texas metaphor. I wish I could take full credit for it. Originality is the art of concealing one's source. I'll go ahead and say I wrote that. DP

      Delete
  12. To "Anonymous" above: Agreed! I'll never look at the Pillsbury Dough Boy the same way again...great visual, SGIA! Can't wait for you & Lincee to recap the "Men Tell All" and "The Final Rose"...yee-hah!

    Kathleen : )

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great post as usual, Some Guy. Just one thing, though-- Josh is a financial advisor. He apparently *is* gainfully employed, though why they list his occupation as former pro-baseball player I'll never know. It doesn't make him any more interesting... though obviously I don't speak for Andi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Details. The point I was trying to make is that it's not his job that Andi is into. It wouldn't matter if he was a farmer from Iowa. He's going to win.

      Delete
  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I laughed, almost hysterically, at the can of biscuits image. That was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Finally am home so decided to "treat" myself and watch all 3 of the episodes I hadn't seen back to back. Had to bleach my eyes out after seeing the frowns over and over and the open mouth surprised look Andi has. And the clothes! Who wears tiny white shorts horse back riding? Love the "granted after two Fantasy Dates horseback riding was probably not the most comfortable activity for the producers to choose." Love the canned biscuit reference, too. That's an image that is hard to get out of my head!
    Can't wait to read what Lincee thinks of her cleverly appointed room at your place.

    Sal in Utah

    ReplyDelete
  17. Just tuned in to the Bachelorette Men Tell All tonight, and wondered by Rikki Lake was on the show. It took me several seconds to realize it was Ashley from Maine on there, and pregnant, no less. Boy does she look like Rikki Lake. I am not kidding you, either, I honestly and sincerely thought that Rikki Lake was sitting there talking to Chris, and I wondered why for a second or two. So strange.

    ReplyDelete