Monday, October 8, 2012

Off Season Post 39: DP Carries On

Hello, Readers.  Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Some Guy in Austin.  I write a blog solely for your reading pleasure.  I’ve been woefully absent as of late and I realize it’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve posted.  I won’t bore you with the details but for those of you who are lawyers out there or have the misfortune of being married to one you’ll appreciate the fact that the ebbs and flows of the business are often extreme.  When it rains, it pours.  In short, it’s been pouring a lot lately.  Nonetheless, I’m back for now and I’ll try to make this post less introspective than the last.  In other words, I’ll throw in a lot of d*ck jokes.  As always, thanks for reading. 

Before I begin—you’ve waited two weeks, you can wait another minute—I’d like to send a shout out to a reader and a commenter you all know as dp2.  dp2 and I have been corresponding via email since she began reading this blog over two years ago.  Like me, she’s a sometimes disgruntled attorney in addition to sharing my affinity for anatomy jokes.  Her comments are always insightful and our email exchanges range from the highly ridiculous to the semi-intellectual. 
At any rate, she was in the great city of Austin, Texas for a friend’s wedding recently and I had the pleasure of being their tour guide for an evening.  We took in some live music at a couple of my favorite honky tonks and she was kind enough to buy me—you guessed it—a couple of Lone Star Beers.  She even got to meet the Special Lady Friend and Soon-to-Be Mrs. Some Guy in Austin.  They got along famously.  Thanks for the booze, dp2.  It was great meeting you and your friends. 
Now let’s get to it. 
I’ve mentioned many times in the past that I am a creature of habit.  While I’m not obsessively compulsive about the routes I take, the places I frequent, or the number of times in a day when I wash my hands, I am extremely consistent.  I take comfort in my routine and the structure provided by the habitualization of the more mundane, predictable aspects of my day allows my mind to roam as free as the wind in other areas.  It also ensures that I’m aggravated as little as possible. 
The other day, as I was in the middle of my lunchtime gym/turkey sandwich routine I noticed a man standing in front of me in line at the sandwich shop across the street from my palatial office.  In front of him was a fairly non-descript baby stroller containing what I assumed was his child.  Apparently, mommy had at least part of the day off and this guy attempted to boldly go about his day in spite of the responsibilities at hand. 
Incidentally, I applaud dads who have the “courage” to care for their children unassisted by mom and I applaud moms who have the wherewithal to give their baby daddies credit for being competent enough to figure out how to parent without them.  Indeed, certain vestiges of the 1950’s mentality linger in our culture and the notion that a father is inept when it comes to childcare is one of them.  Granted, Dad doesn’t have a pair of hooters from which he creates the milk of life nor does he have the ability to gestate a fetus.  Other than that, however, Dad is no less capable than mom when it comes to taking Junior out for a stroll around town.  Post-Pilates mimosas often necessitate the need for dad to step in and co-parent every now and then and it’s nice to see that occurring.     
Notwithstanding my respect for dad’s assumption of the traditionally uterine-bearing duties, I noticed that he was carrying an inordinate amount of baby supplies.  He had enough wet wipes to service a Fourth of July barbecue picnic.  All of his baby ammo was stuffed into a powder blue diaper bag adorned with yellow rubber duckies hanging from his shoulder.  Like a safe falling on my head from an upper story window, I was hit with inspiration.  There are just certain things that men should never be seen carrying in public.  Below are a few of those things.   
1.         Diaper Bag.  I’ve already laid the predicate for this one.  Look, being out all day in public with an infant or a toddler requires more skill than most people can appreciate.  Throw in the 100 degree heat of a Texas Summer or the sub-zero temperatures of a Chicago Winter and simply getting in and out of the car becomes exponentially difficult.  Because of that, it’s essential to arm oneself with an appropriate supply of wipes, powder, diapers, formula, pacifiers, snacks, rattle toys, and at least one change of clothes.  I get that. 
HOWEVER, there is no rule that says that all of that stuff has to be housed in the most ridiculously humiliating handbag possible.  Any “awwww, look how sweet” appeal a man gains by caring for an infant with mom nowhere in sight is inversely proportionate to how awkward a frilly handbag looks dangling from his shoulder--undoubtedly in place of his built in “handbag.”  Buy a backpack for crying out loud.  It’s not difficult to find one that matches the Baby Bjorn if that’s a concern.  All the fellow dads out there will appreciate (even envy) it and the Hooters girls won’t ignore you when you roll in for dollar wings and fried pickles on a Friday afternoon with the baby in tow.  Indeed, the only thing better than carrying a puppy on the beach for attracting young women and sending their ovaries into an egg-firing frenzy is an infant.   Ditch the duckies and bust out the backpack. 
2.         Flowers at the Airport.  I know what you’re all thinking:  Come on, Some Guy.  “Flowers are a wonderful gift to see when stepping off an airplane after an arduous girls’ weekend and I, for one, would love my man to do that for me.”  Whatever.  First of all, flowers are expensive and they do nothing but die slowly over time despite our best efforts to keep them alive.  Come to think of it, one could make the same generalization about most relationships. 
Annyyyhooo. . .
Every guy (and I mean EVERY) knows that all (and I mean ALL) women love to get flowers.  That’s just a given.  Sure, a lot of women love to say things like, “Oh, I don’t like flowers.  I’d rather my man save his money and spend it on something nice for us to do together.”  Right.  If you believe that you’ll also have no problem believing the biggest female falsity of all time. 
Say it with me.  “It doesn’t matter how big the diamond in my engagement ring is as long as I know he loves me.”  Frankly, it’s almost impossible to type that without choking on the words. 
Don’t believe me?  The next time some “lucky” woman strolls casually into a wine bar after announcing via social media that her boyfriend popped the question see what the first reaction of every woman is when she sees the bride-to-be.  The single ones in their early 30’s choke back their envy and feign happiness as they grow one step closer to being “That Girl” while the married ones smile from ear to ear content in knowing that another naïve single woman is about to enter the race to see whose husband is first to find his favorite recliner.  Regardless of reaction, every woman asks first to see the ring.  Don’t tell me size doesn’t matter.  It does.  There’s a reason that the word “fiancé” looks a hell of a lot like the word “finance.”  Don’t let the accent over that last “e” fool you.  I digress. 
Seeing a man awkwardly holding a bouquet of fresh flowers at the base of the escalator bank in Baggage Claim is difficult for a man to process.  On one hand, we all appreciate the “benefits” that come from forcing ourselves to suck it up and look hopelessly p*ssy-whipped.  The problem is one of scale.  In other words, the more p*ssy-whipped a man looks, the greater the effect on a woman.  Throw in a giant “Welcome Home” balloon and a stuffed teddy bear with those flowers and a guy is certain to score before he pulls out of the airport parking lot.
Like anything else, however, that rule will eventually reach its exception.  Add a bunny suit and a “I’m Hoppy You’re Home” sign to the balloons and the flowers and she’s likely to skip baggage claim altogether in favor of a cab.  It’s a delicate balance to strike.  There’s always the possibility of showing up with a fist full of carnations and a modest Hallmark card in hand and being forced to stand next to the guy with two dozen roses and the Lavender Spa Indulgence Gift Basket or whatever.  That’s always the boyfriend of the woman your lady friend sat next to in Coach and chatted with during her entire flight.   
For other men simply minding their own business in the airport that sort of abject public humiliation is difficult to watch.  It’s like watching a hobo beg for his dinner or seeing a puppy stuck in the median on a busy road.  Sure, we’re all rooting for the guy, but then again, we’re glad it’s not us sitting there atop a big podium of ridicule in the name of meeting our Love Language requirements.  My advice?  Avoid the entire situation by keeping the flowers in the passenger seat and surprise her on the way home.  Of course, that assumes the windows are tinted.
3.         A Tiny Dog.  I witnessed this while running around the lake the other day.  An otherwise normal looking man and his attractive wife or girlfriend was walking toward me as I ran toward them.  As they got closer I noticed that the man was carrying a Chihuahua in a pouch in his right arm while holding the woman’s hand with his left.  I felt compelled to stop and remind him how foolish he looked but I thought better of it.  There’s simply no saving a man who’s willing to do that, I reasoned. 
I blame the toy dog carrying trend on that spoiled, talentless C word, Paris Hilton.  What’s beyond me is how it migrated from a vapid bore like her to the male species on my jogging trail.  I can think of nothing that could possibly make that situation more emasculating.  Real dogs are too big to carry around while simultaneously holding your wife’s hand.  If a man feels compelled to carry around something small and hairy in a pouch in public, he should start with his testicles. 
4.         Feminine products at grocery store.  This has to be the Holy Grail of things a man should never be seen carrying.  This one, however, is not entirely within the control of the adversely affected man who has undoubtedly been forced to venture into the nether regions of the store aisle innocuously labeled “Feminine Products.”  Any woman who sends a man on an errand like that is unquestionably a sadist. 
I know I share the sentiment of most men when I say that I can’t even walk through the living room while the Special Lady Friend and Soon-To-Be Mrs. Some Guy in Austin is filling her estrogen tank watching whatever “men are evil, women are victims” movie starring Meredith Baxter Birney and Treat Williams on Bravo or the Lifetime Network and a commercial for any product beginning with the letters “Vag” is on the screen much less stroll through an aisle filled from floor to ceiling on both sides with them.   That sort of pressure is tough for a guy to absorb.  It’s super uncomfortable---or is it super plus?  You’re welcome.   
Aside from the obvious lack of “equipment” from which to form a frame of reference in  the selection process, that aisle appears to get longer and higher every time I walk by it on my way to the beer section.  The choices are overwhelming.  Every time I pass that aisle I literally picture myself walking into a giant, unfriendly uterus.  I feel like Charlie Bucket floating uncontrollably toward the giant fan atop the Fizzy Lifting Drink Room in Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.  As disturbing as that is, it’s the truth.  I’m certain Freud would have an opinion about that, but that’s an entirely different blog post. 
My point?  My point is that in the event a man is goaded into actually heading to the store to purchase a Vag-related product for his special lady, it is a given that he will be provided a piece of paper with a very specific description of the product and the correct size, color, and possible location of it in the aisle.  Women are particular creatures and will not relinquish the performance of such a profoundly important gender-specific errand like that without being able to control the details of its execution. 
After all, you wouldn’t want a Chevy if you had the option of getting a Mercedes, would you?  Taking that metaphor a bit too far, you wouldn’t want a Mack Truck when all you need is a Mini Cooper.  That’s like trying to stuff a bag of cotton balls into a keyhole or, conversely, like throwing a teddy bear into Niagara Falls.  As is the case with diamonds, size matters. 
Now that I’ve beaten that point to death  (I have a REALLY inappropriate joke here, but even I am going to censor myself for fear of offending all of your delicate feminine sensibilities, but man do I hate to waste a good joke), I’ll explain my problem with the Vag List.  Carrying around a list that says “Kotex Sleek Tampons with Perfect Touch Grip, Regular, Assorted Colors, 18 Pack” (Thanks, Google) is a horrifying proposition for any man. 
Factor in Murphy’s Law and I’d probably get into a fender bender and be forced to take down the other driver’s insurance information on that piece of paper as the driver and a police officer stood over my shoulder.  I’m sure I’d hear things like “boy you really absorbed that impact” or “this accident is your fault, period” or “it’s too bad you didn’t have the Perfect Touch Grip on your steering wheel.”  Down the road, I’d be forced to produce that piece of paper to the other side in the event I was sued as a result of that accident.  The case would undoubtedly require a trial and 18 months later that piece of paper would be labeled “Plaintiff’s Exhibit 1” and be blown up on a giant screen in front of a packed courtroom.  I’d be called to the stand where I’d be forced to explain that list to 12 jurors missing their jobs in exchange for ten bucks a day.  Like I said, horrifying.  Do us a favor, ladies.  Please go to Sam’s Club and stockpile Vag-related products.  If there ever was any line of products that should be sold in bulk, those are the ones.       
Well, there it is.  Only you can decide if it was worth the wait.  Just so we’re clear:  I love writing this blog and I plan to do it as often as my often busy life will allow.  I’m grateful for all of you.  Keep clicking.  I’m traveling the remainder of the week, so keep me grounded and entertained with a comment if you can.  I’ll be back soon.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be carrying a toy dog in a bag on my way to buy maxipads.    DP


  1. Ah some guy, I have not responded in a long time as I too have been overwhelmed at work, but with today being a holiday for us Canucks I finally got time to read an off season post and I was not disappointed! Your diatribe on "Vag" products was awesome. I thought you might enjoy this commercial which conveys how every woman feels about the ads

  2. Solid work, Lolly. Thanks for being the first comment. By now you may be the only reader left! DP

  3. DP, I would have numbered this post among my favorites even without the nice shout out in the opening paragraphs. I especially appreciate that the number of this post coincides with my age. (I wish.) Thanks again for making time in your busy life to show us a great time in Austin. You're as terrific in person as online.

    Have no fear: your readers and commenters will soon reappear. Much like the mice in those learned helplessness experiments who can't stop pushing the lever in the hopes of some nourishment, I'm sure they will soon be hitting the refresh button and be thrilled to find that you have once again weaved together your thoughts into an hysterical monologue. How do you do it?

  4. So, when I chucked a box of tampons at you over the aisle in 7-11 in Vail, you died a little on the inside? Excellent!
    I know Mike emailed you, but seriously...he owns a diaper bag. In fact, he just used it on our trip to London. He loves all the compartments. And, it's really good looking. See here for yourself:
    Thanks for the post. Hope life slows down a bit!
    Heather & Mike (the lulu wearing diaper bag carrier)

  5. HKM, I believe you also tried to hand me a tampon at the Four Seasons bar. Ironically, I had a hot flash as a result. DP

  6. I used to only stop by to read when Lincee referenced you in a blog post. However, about a month ago, I was sitting at my desk, desperate to be entertained, and I clicked on your blog again. Let's just say, you had me at "tain't!" I can appreciate the way your mind works. As a corporate paralegal that once had dreams, I too imagine everything as a trial exhibit.

  7. I object to the diamond size reference. ;-) I actually really *don't* want a large diamond. I don't wear much jewelry to begin with and I hate the look of a giant diamond on my hand. In fact, my fiance was smart enough to let me pick out my own ring recently (and I absolutely adore it!) and I choose the smallest stone size possible to get with that ring. Which was a good 2-3 carats smaller than the 'recommended size'. *rolls eyes* Of course, I also decided to go with completely non-traditional and not get a diamond at all but rather my birth stone for the larger stone and his for the smaller one - so maybe I am just really weird and the exception that proves the rule. ;-)

  8. Hey DP! I'm sorry that I've been MIA lately. Doesnt mean that I don't miss you, sweetie. That goes for everyone. I'm so jealous of you, got to have drinks with dp and meet his SLF???? Girl, you are so lucky! Anyway, I think that my favorite line was:

    "As they got closer I noticed that the man was carrying a Chihuahua in a pouch in his right arm while holding the woman’s hand with his left. I felt compelled to stop and remind him how foolish he looked but I thought better of it. There’s simply no saving a man who’s willing to do that, I reasoned."

    It really carried special meaning because one of my friends Javier carries a little tea cup chihuahua around everywhere and loves Paris Hilton. Me and the boys started giggling and pointing at Javier as soon as we read your comment. All he could do is blush and glare at us. Also, Javier wanted me to mention that for the record Paris Hilton's tea cup chihuahua's name is Tinkerbell. She has also added to her collection and now has four more. Their names are Tokio Blue, Princess, Hendrix and Baby mimi.

    Keep up the good work, Some Guy! Me and the boys love you and appreciate everything you do!

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys

  9. Cara, congrats on the engagement and congrats on keeping your focus on the right thing. Overstated generalizations are effective point makers and it appears I've illustrated that in my ring comments.

    Jaci, someone once said, "never stop dreaming." Unfortunately, that someone was Debbie Gibson.

    Derek, it's good to have you and the boys back. I may post a shirtless picture to show my gratitude.


  10. Hey Derek, I'm so glad you and the boys are back!

    Drinks in a honky tonk featuring great music is to Austin what gazing at the splendors of the Vatican is to Rome. Which makes hanging with DP and his lovely SLF the Texas version of an audience with the pope. Each experience makes you feel very blessed :)

  11. OMG....stop the press!!! Are you serious about posting a shirtless picture, DP? Talk about gazing at the splendors of the Vatican!!!

    And speaking of Debbie Gibson. I loved her growing up. Don't even get me started about how much I loved her clothes when I was a kid. Just sayin!!!!!!

    And last but not least...thanks for the shout out, dp2. I've been MIA, but still read the blog every week and always enjoy your comments.

    Derek and the boys

  12. You were definitely missed and are still funny as always. The tinted window at the airport and the small, hairy things in a pouch had me bursting with laughter at an inopportune time at work. Worth it!

  13. "That’s like trying to stuff a bag of cotton balls into a keyhole or, conversely, like throwing a teddy bear into Niagara Falls. "

    That one line had me ROLLIN'!

    Good to have you back ole frien'

  14. OMG DP ...You have really outdone yourself this time!! I never miss any of your posts, I just don't comment on them and I know that I should to let you know just enjoyable your sense of humour is! I have literaly laughed out loud at this blog. My husband has been on a secret mission twice in in his life it's a get in and get out without being seen,eh? No pun intended...but he considered it a fate worse than death and boy is he going to find salvation in this!!
    You're the best JP.
    Loyal Canuck fans of yours...

  15. DP,
    Thanks for the congrats. :-) Don't worry, I know it was just an overstated generalization. (Just happens to be one that is a personal pet peeve of mine.) But I still love you.
    Hilarious posting as always - glad you're back.

  16. DP, it was definitely worth the wait! I’ve been under the weather lately and you perked me right up. I have to agree about men with little dogs. I love dogs of all kinds but it looks silly for a man to carry a tiny dog, especially so if he’s dressed it up. I have a German shepherd mix, so more often than not; I have the biggest dog in the park. It never fails to make me giggle when they look at my dog and then at theirs.

    Derek, it is so good to see you comment again. We’ve missed you as much as DP! I agree with you on Debbie Gibson. I loved her when I was growing up. I played those tapes so much that my family couldn’t stand to listen to it and my sister still can’t stand to hear her. I loved her clothes too!

    Denise in Alabama

  17. *sigh* I love me some Derek. Welcome back! DP, I agree with the part about tampon/girly vag stuff buying. I would *never* send my husband out to do that unless it were dire, unpreventable circumstances. Also, I told my hubby no big honkin' diamonds for me, and he ended up giving me the most delicate, beautiful 3-stone diamond ring (with small diamonds on either side of the main setting), and the center stone was his grandmother's diamond from her engagement ring- from 60 years ago!!! It's perfect. I'm with Cara. I feel like it would have looked silly on me to have a large diamond, and having a toddler, probably would have covered her with scratches! Anyway, that's my two cents. Good to hear from you! And Heather, you are clearly hilarious, btw!

    1. Why thanks, Stacey! That's sweet. Not nearly as funny as DP, but it gives me something to shoot for. :)

  18. Oh, and I meant to add to the diaper bag stuff- my husband and I use 1 diaper bag (just stays in the car most of the time)for mini-me, but he never carries it on his shoulder, he always tosses it in the bottom of the stroller. When he takes her to change her diaper or something, he grabs a little bag that has a diaper, wipes, and a changing pad. I think he remained pretty dignified ;)

  19. @ Stacey C and Denise - You two are so sweet! Thanks for the shout out and for thinking of me. I've missed all of you girls too.

    Denise - Debbie G. was the $#%t back in the day, huh? I remember my sister and I dressing up singing in front of the bathroom mirror with music jamming.

    I still catch myself these days singing the lyrics softly when I think of Some Guy......

    If I only once could hold you
    And remember how it used to be
    If only I could scold you
    And forget how it feels to be free

    As real as it may seem
    It was only in my dreams

    Love and Laughs,

  20. i find most of your followers just as entertaining to read as i find your posts. i don't even watch the bachelor shows, but love reading your blog. this post cracked me up and made me think of a story you might appreciate. my only sibling is my identical twin sister so my poor dad was out numbered when we were teenagers. the estrogen in that house must have been suffocating with three females. one day he returns home from the gym fuming. tells my sister and i that he can handle finding tampons in the glove compartment of the family's three vehicles. that he can even deal with finding them in his jacket/coat pockets, but there is no reason for him to be dropping tampons from his gym bag in front of everyone!! He said that he was the only one EVER allowed to use that bag, and plus what was he to do with them at the gym? help some poor soul stop his toe from bleeding when he dropped a free weight on his foot? he was so serious that he threatened to take away our driving privileges if he ever saw another tampon in that gym bag! :)

  21. Tampon in the gym bag? Horrifying.

    Derek, I'm certain you would have given Debbie Gibson a run for her money back in the day and I'm even more certain you'd give her an even bigger run for her money today.

    Stacey C., Good to see you comment.


  22. I agree that there's very little reason to ask others to take care of your personal issues. Thank goodness for Sam's!!! Although, I will say, dropping a tampon from your purse, gym bag or backpack during 11th grade US history may just be part of life.

    And about getting flowers at the airport. I cringe a little just thinking about it. Happened once. AWKWARD! All those people staring and me knowing it's just happening for (possibly) disingenuous thanks!

    Now, a big diamond ring...bring it! ;)

  23. I have been on vacation physically and mentally and finally got around to seeing if you had a new post. It did not disappoint. Men and tiny dogs was my favorite part of this-hilarious take on that -and these grown men are usually the ones who go ga ga over these tiny dogs. Here is another thing that I find fascinating -men in Crocs. Why do men want something that looks like a cartoon character's footwear on their feet in the brightest most obnoxious colors? That replaces socks with sandals as one odd ball thing men put on their feet.

    Sal in Utah

  24. I have been waiting but never far away, and you never disappoint.

    My two favorite lines:
    "If a man feels compelled to carry around something small and hairy in a pouch in public, he should start with his testicles."
    "That sort of pressure is tough for a guy to absorb. It’s super uncomfortable---or is it super plus?"

    THANK YOU! jmaybes

  25. Stacy and are not alone! My engagement ring didn't even have a diamond. It's an intricately woven band that is absolutely beautiful and I love it. I wear gloves all day for work, so it's also practical. I am just not a fan of big diamonds. Guess we can all be in the minority together!

    ~Sunny in Seattle

  26. DP - You are really short changing us with you post coming every 3 weeks now. I think your SLF is making you soft.


  27. I should hope SLF isn't making him soft... ; )

    Too far?

  28. @laurap - Funny!!! Too far?...I don't think so. I was a little encouraged when I read the title of DP's last post - "DP Carries On". It lead me to believe that he was back and ready to "Carry On".

    Come on DP!!!!.....Give us something!!