Bachelor Ben Episode 9: Ben is Matter-Horny

Hello, Readers. Welcome back to the tail end of an unequivocally mundane season of the Bachelor. Like NFL quarterback Brad Johnson, President Herbert Hoover, and the fat Middle Eastern guy at the 7-11 across the street from my office, Ben hasn’t done anything great or exceptional this season but he hasn’t done anything to really screw it up either. I suppose that beats repeated bouts of hysterical crying on balconies across the globe; then again, I’d cry a lot too if I dated Melissa Rycroft.

Speaking of “tail end,” it’s Fantasy Week in Interlaken, Switzerland and the only real curiosity is who would draw the third straw in the sleep with Ben contest. Like a giant piece of Swiss cheese, there were a lot of holes for Ben to explore this week and it was only a Matter of time before he’d be Interlocking his Horn with Lindzi, Nikki, and Courtney in search of the final piece of the “I might possibly be getting tentatively engaged next week in order to maybe go forward with a hypothetical wedding and theoretically spend the better part of the near future with one of three women I sort of know” puzzle.

Some Guy had a good weekend and I’d like to give a shout out to Ron Yates at Spicewood Vineyards (www.spicewoodvineyards.com) just 34 miles outside of Austin, Texas. Ron is the owner of the winery and a friend of the Special Lady Friend. We attended the annual “Pair it with the Claret Chili Cookoff” this weekend at the winery. Chili, live music, and good wine ruled the day and we were blessed with wonderful Hill Country weather. After traveling to Waco, Texas for the past couple of days it was truly an exercise in contrasts. With that out of the way, let’s bang out the Fantasy Week episode.

We begin back in Los Angeles with a myriad of filler footage of Ben packing his bags in his home away from home brooding about how “difficult” his “journey” has been to date. He eventually broods his way to the limo, broods his way to the check in counter, and makes it his coach seat on his Swiss Air flight to Switzerland. Of course, he’s still brooding.

Yodel Odel Lay Hee BOO. Man, was I bored.

“Let’s get to the awkward, forced promiscuity,” I said as I popped the cap on a fresh, frosty Lone Star and settled in on the couch. “This is bullsh*t.” I was, however, excited to see that ABC renewed its firm belief in the ignorance of its audience by reviving the giant fake plane graphic in order illustrate Ben’s flight pattern and the overall location of Switzerland. Apparently, there is a domestic travel ban on that graphic, but it’s important we’re all told where the gang bang will occur this week.

Afraid I was missing something, I did a bit of research on Switzerland in order to firm up my knowledge. Life, after all, presents us with countless opportunities to improve ourselves and I figured if I was going to debase myself by spending the next two hours watching this show, I might as well learn a thing or two in the process. It’s all about balance, isn’t it?

At any rate, I discovered that Switzerland is comprised of mostly German, French, and Italian people, which makes sense considering its geography. Politically, its traditional neutrality also makes a lot of sense. After all, with a mix of German, French, and Italian bundled into one people, the Swiss are the only civilization genetically equipped to talk themselves into surrendering to themselves. I still haven’t figured out why their army has its own knife, though. Annyyyhoooo…

Ben recaps the ladies and uses the word “magical” and various derivatives of it to describe Switzerland. “Magical” is apparently a Swiss word meaning “amazing.” After being reminded via narrative and edited snippets why these women will eventually be asked to forgo their individual rooms (and dignity) by lining up like orphans in the bread line for an on-air one night stand, we’re treated to shots of a contemplative Ben in his mood-evidencing black attire roaming around the streets of Interlaken presumably searching for a pack of condoms and a tube of anti-bacterial hand soap.

NIKKI

Nicki arrives in her purple coat, seasonally appropriate boots, and ubiquitous 30 foot scarf. Of course, Switzerland is the "perfect place" to be in love. As she’d soon see, it’s also the “perfect place” to get violated in an expensive hotel room only to be sent packing the a few days later. Getting the first of the three Fantasy Dates is wonderful if you’re a germaphobe; however, it’s equivalent to being the best violin player in the Titanic Lounge Band. We all knew this wasn’t going to end well for Nikki this week. Putting her at the front end of the big dates was a courtesy rather than an advantage.

Anxious to see Ben, Nikki takes a break from her pre-Fantasy Suite kegels to perform the run and greet. In predictable fashion, the Bachelor-copter arrives to take Ben and Nikki yodeling through a large, deep canyon prior to eating dinner and yodeling through another large deep canyon. “If that thing crashes, I wonder if they'll eat each other,” I said laughing. Come to think of it, that’s likely to occur whether the thing crashes or not.

Ben and Nikki sit atop a mountain peak and picture what life won’t ever be like after she gives it up in the Fantasy Suite. My guess is that even if they did get married their life wouldn’t include regular helicopter rides and hot toddies atop the Swiss Alps. They eventually retire to a Swiss barn for dinner atop short stumps—which I can only assume was a statement of events to follow—and a chat about all of the children Nikki will never have with Ben after giving it up in the Fantasy Suite. Sigh….

The card gets dropped. They both FORE-go in favor of FORE-play. Nikki, who presumably knows she’s got a lot of work to do if she wants to secure the nomination, campaigns like a double-digit underdog in a battleground state and ends just shy of throwing herself at Ben in front of the camera. She uses the word “cocky” in the Fantasy Bedroom before jumping in the bathtub with Ben and working on his caucus.

Poor political humor aside, I’ll give Nikki credit for knowing where she stood and for swinging for the fence at a pitch that clearly wasn’t hittable. She tried hard and proved herself to be a decent, albeit a tad bit annoying person over the course of the season. I liked her and I’m happy she’s from Texas. I’ll have more about her crushing defeat later.

Hey Nikki, Yodel Odel LAY HE you.

LINDZI

Fresh off his free romp with this week’s loser, Ben dons a ridiculous grey coat and his own version of the ubiquitous 30 foot scarf and heads meet Lindzi in order to do some rappelling into a deep gorge before having dinner, hitting the Fantasy Suite, and rappelling into a deep gorge. She looked great in royal blue; however, wearing that much bronzer in Switzerland made her stand out like a stray sober intern at a Chris Harrison post-season party. She was so excited about Fantasy Night that she didn’t even bother with a winter jacket and scarf. Taking that off, after all, takes time and who wants to waste that when victory is within reach? Her last name it Cox and she showed up determined to show Ben why.

After a series of not so coincidental sexual innuendos about trying anything and coming together in the deep gorge, Ben and Lindzi opt for a picnic amongst a sheep feces laden field before heading to the hot tub where Lindzi continues to make herself “vulnerable” prior to dinner.

Ben listens to Lindzi all the while hoping the hotel staff remembered to change the sheets and search his bedroom for Nikki's lost pony tail holders and stray hairs so as not to provide a tangible reminder of what we already know.

My initial plan was to skip over dinner and head to the foregoing of the individual rooms in favor of the aforementioned trip into the gorge. However, I would like to point out that Lindzi—in my opinion anyway—looked phenomenal in that purple little number she broke out for the dinner date. Unfortunately Ben decided to “complement” it with a bow tie.

Bow tie? Is he Orville Redenbacher? He’s 28, not 88, and he’s not a law professor at Ole Miss. A bow tie? Who convinced him that was a good idea? Frankly, I’d rather see the queer yellow sweater and gray jeans. Lindzi breaks out a stunning contemporary purple thing and he counters with the bow tie? If she bent over in that dress you could see what she had for breakfast for crying out loud. As far as I’m concerned, that took a solid second place to the jeans and boots. He pulls out a bow tie? He looked like a Dutch architect. I was too appalled to notice if he had matching wooden shoes. Consider the haircut and he might actually be Dutch.

Moving on…

Ben drops the Fantasy Suite invite and Lindzi responds with a classic "Normally I don't" but "I would love to." Right on. I immediately pictured that purple dress crumpled up on the Fantasy Suite floor with the bow tie resting gently atop its delicate fabric. I’ll give credit where credit is due. Nice work, Ben. It looks like you and Harry Cox will remain close.

Welcome to Bangsville. Population: Lindzi.

Yodel Odel LAY HE TWO.

Next!

COURTNEY

Ben spends the morning hours scrubbing the bronzer from various parts of his anatomy before arriving in a camel hair coat and a new scarf to complete the hat trick. Despite ABC’s clear attempts to rehabilitate her, Courtney flounders around on camera and in front of Ben amidst the ruse of shopping for picnic items and riding a long train across the lush countryside and into a tunnel before chatting about her shortcomings with Ben, eating dinner and retiring to the Fantasy Suite to ride a long train across the lush countryside and into a tunnel.

I won’t even bore you with the details of the date. Rather, I’d like an opportunity to mount my soap box and hammer a few points home before using the words “mount” and “hammer” in the context of the end of the date.

Courtney clearly realizes that the fun she had being the bad guy this season is coming back in a big way. Although she attempted to own what happened—and I’ll give her a bit of credit for at least trying to admit it—it appears she’s about to learn a couple of life’s toughest lessons. Unfortunately for most of us these lessons are not often learned without a steep price.

By the way, the “steep price” I’m referring to here doesn’t include ruining a chance to sort of marry Ben after a loose engagement period and a lot of public exposure. She’ll win that battle but whether she’ll win the one after her 15 minutes are long gone is still up for debate.

Courtney begins to understand that certain mistakes have permanent consequences. Put another way: some doors can’t be reopened once they’re closed no matter how much we apologize. Second chances are a gift, not a foregone conclusion and getting one should never be assumed. Short sightedness is a raging red flag of immaturity. For her sake, let’s hope her apology was sincere and let’s hope that whether she gets the big heave ho or not next week that she’s learned her lesson. I, for one, am not holding my breath. Back to Ben.

Ben vents a bit and they sort out the big disagreement in favor of the imminent romp in the Fantasy Suite hay. “I have lots of women friends”, he tells Courtney. Translation: I don't want to marry a b*tch. Valid concern, Ben. We all know the guy with the wife that everyone can’t stand and that makes it miserable for everyone. Incidentally, if you don’t know that wife, she’s probably you. There’s nothing worse than a fun hater or a know-it-all and Ben would do well to chop that concern off at the knees rather than ignoring it and having it surface around a fatherless Sonoma Christmas table.

Love is blind, but mothers and sisters aren’t and he’ll be dealing with “winning” for a long time to come if he’s not careful. Besides, Lindzi is hotter and cooler (did I mention that purple dress?) than Courtney and her old man is loaded. If he marries her, he’ll have a hell of a glue factory when Mr. and Mrs. Harry Cox kick the bucket and those horses start to age. That’s a heck of a new place to plant grapes too. I’m just sayin'.

Now let's get down to the Harrison card. It’s dropped and she turns it around and makes him decide. He wants "uninterrupted everything." Odd are pretty good he's going to get it.

Yodel Odel Lay She Too.

EMILY PREVIEW.

She’s smoking hot. Ali and Ashley annoy me. I paused the DVR on Emily and fast forwarded the rest.

KACIE RETURNS

In the most irrelevant free trip around the world since Bentley went to Bangkok or wherever, Kacie returns post "what the f*ck happened?" This is such a tired theme. It’s even more annoying to me because we all have Jake to thank for it. She even had her own version of the hotel balcony cryfest invented by that diminutive little putz in his “pilot” uniform.

Props to Kacie for garnering free passage on the first available FedEx cargo plane out of Tennessee, and props to ABC for building up what turned out to be a big fat serving of a bunch of nothing.

Still, Ben’s "Hoooolllly Sh*t," was classic as was Kacie’s penchant for overdramaticizing the situation. I haven't seen anyone sweat that much since Roberto was forced to put on a suit and walk up a mile worth of stairs to meet Ali. Ben lets her down (again) in a very respectful matter and she counters with an I Hate Courtney grenade that just might prove effective in the long run. She hinted at breaking away from mom and dad, but again, that’s their business, not mine. She’ll eventually become an adult and she’ll look back on this entire situation and feel ashamed.

Somewhere in Tennessee there's an Administrator in need of an Assistant. She needs to move on. . . as do I.

Yodel Odle Kay Cee’s Through.

HARRISON TETE A TETE

I can sum this one up in two sentences. "Too much that's happened this week, Chris" to have Kacie in the rose ceremony. Translation: I've banged all three broads.

As an aside, I just couldn’t figure out why Ben is so stressed about this entire scenario. We all know this isn't permanent. Look at Mesnick and Womack. Mesnick proposed on national television in front of his kid before jumping in the hotel pool with his clothes on before dumping Melissa (again on national television) and calling up Molly and still got his wedding paid for by the network. Womack? We all know that story. Speaking of that, I saw that bullet he dodged, Deanna Pappas, on television the other day. Having his ex-girlfriend paraded around with a bunch of dudes next season is going to sting, but he has to thank his lucky bottles of Axe Body Spray that he’s not married to that pain in the ass.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben’s conflicted but sure what he wants to do. I think we were all sure too. Lindzi looked incredible, albeit bronze. Nikki looked somewhat dumpy in her choice dress but knew the guillotine blade had her name on it. Courtney looked good but it was clear her confidence wasn’t what it was when she had Emily to pick on a few weeks ago. It went down as predicted.

Roses:

1. Lindzi

2. Courtney

Gone.

1. Nikki

Nikki has clearly had time to prepare for this moment and she’s mature enough not to melt down like certain administrative assistants with overbearing fathers when she’s given the boot. She cried, but not too much and it was clear that Ben didn’t like to hurt her feelings. I liked Nikki and I think the rest of you did too. My guess is that she’s still a bit scarred at the Women Tell All, but she’ll be fine.

Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at 67 and the Journey count at 29 we’re down to the final two. My guess is that Lindzi is the big winner. After Fantasy Week, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to discount the presence of Harry Cox.

Please don’t forget to submit your questions for DP Tells All Number Four. Right now, I need to go Yodel Odel Layhee Sue someone.  In the meantime, I’ll be wearing a bow tie while rappelling into a deep canyon. DP