Off Season Post 29: 'Twas Ten Days Before Bachelor

Hello, Readers. Welcome back to the final off season post before the start of our favorite show. Granted, there will be a lot going on for all of us over the next ten days, but the January 2nd launch looms largely in the back of our collective minds. Relaxing and vacationing this time of year always turns out to be hard work, doesn’t it?

I’d like to thank all of you for sticking with me for another year. I cannot express how much joy (and that is the right word) I get knowing that you all log on from some place far away from my keyboard and read what I have to write. Knowing I’ve brightened a day or put a smile on a face is a great feeling. Even the negative comments resonate with me.  To Alice in Tulsa and Some Girls who believe I'm a misogynist, believe it or not, I'm glad you took the time to check me out.  I appreciate you all and I’m lucky you take the time to read this.

I’d like to wish all of you a happy, healthy, and fun holiday season. I hope the jockeying for position at the mall, rushing to get last minute gifts, paper cuts, and egg nog hangovers are all worth it. Me? I plan to eat, exercise a little in order to assuage the guilt of my overindulgence, kill a few Lone Stars, watch some football, and generally enjoy myself. My Christmas shopping will take place on December 23rd between noon and 2 p.m. After that, I plan to relax.

Now, let’s get to it.

'Twas Ten Days Before Bachelor

An adaptation by Some Guy in Austin

'Twas ten days before Bachelor, when all through the Pad

ABC interns were stirring, cleaning up after Brad;

The T-backs were hung by the hot tub with care,

In hopes that Ben Flajnik soon would be there;

This season’s bimbos were nestled, all snug in their beds,

While visions of cocktail parties danced in their heads;

Some Guy in his Snuggie, had just popped the cap,

Off a frosty cold Lone Star, post off-season nap,

When out near the mansion there arose such a clatter,

Harrison sprang from his suite to see what was the matter.

He paid his sleeping escort then he flew like a flash,

Pulled on a black suit and threw an intern his hash.

The moon on the breasts of the girls on the show

Gave the lustre of mid-day to the wet driveway below,

When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,

But a stretch Hummer limo, filled with desperation and beer,

And there stood Ben Flajnik and his bad haircut it seems,

As Some Guy sat and wondered what Ben’s last name means.

With tons of eye make up and fake tans, they came,

Chris Harrison whistled and called them by name;

"Now, ANNA! now, AMBER! now, KACIE and JACLYN!

On, JENNA! on NICKI! on, RACHEL, Meet HARRISON!

To the blue neon lit mansion! Evening gown and all!

Now dash away! Drink away! Get drunk ‘til you fall!"

Like Axe Body Spray they linger. They laugh, and they lie,

When they meet the next Bachelor, they give a bat to the eye,

So up to the house-top the bimbos they flew,

With livers full of booze, and Chris Harrison too.

And then, in a twinkling, across the living room floor

The prancing and pawing was too much to ignore

As I puked in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the grand entrance came Ben with a bound.

He was dressed in grey Levis (remember those?), and a queer yellow sweater,

Some Guy wondered and wondered why Ben couldn’t dress better;

A bundle of roses he had flung on his back,

A big giant d-bag, like his predecessor, Wo-mack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

He looked for a virgin, alas, not a cherry!

He had not a six pack nor muscles and knew it

He’d gained no street cred by banging Love Hewitt (allegedly);

The First Impression Rose he held tightly in his teeth,

As the strong stench of jealousy hung around like a wreath;

Girls soon will be sent--- crying in the limo alone

Think Fantasy Suite, Ben. Send the bitchy ones home

His looks were just average, although dressed in some finery

And I laughed when I saw him, his trump card his winery;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Is all it would take to get these contestants in bed;

Ben spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And cut all the loose ends who then called him a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

Harrison grabbed his blow and left with some Ho, Ho, Ho’s;

He sprang to his suite and gave the women a whistle,

And away they all flew toward Ben’s awaiting love missile.

But I heard Harrison exclaim, when he drove out of sight,

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! SEE YOU ALL ON MONDAY NIGHT!

Well, there it is. My final post of 2011. Thank you all again. Enjoy your holidays. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be ironing my grey Levis. Ho, Ho, Ho. DP