Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Off Season Post 29: 'Twas Ten Days Before Bachelor

Hello, Readers. Welcome back to the final off season post before the start of our favorite show. Granted, there will be a lot going on for all of us over the next ten days, but the January 2nd launch looms largely in the back of our collective minds. Relaxing and vacationing this time of year always turns out to be hard work, doesn’t it?

I’d like to thank all of you for sticking with me for another year. I cannot express how much joy (and that is the right word) I get knowing that you all log on from some place far away from my keyboard and read what I have to write. Knowing I’ve brightened a day or put a smile on a face is a great feeling. Even the negative comments resonate with me.  To Alice in Tulsa and Some Girls who believe I'm a misogynist, believe it or not, I'm glad you took the time to check me out.  I appreciate you all and I’m lucky you take the time to read this.

I’d like to wish all of you a happy, healthy, and fun holiday season. I hope the jockeying for position at the mall, rushing to get last minute gifts, paper cuts, and egg nog hangovers are all worth it. Me? I plan to eat, exercise a little in order to assuage the guilt of my overindulgence, kill a few Lone Stars, watch some football, and generally enjoy myself. My Christmas shopping will take place on December 23rd between noon and 2 p.m. After that, I plan to relax.

Now, let’s get to it.

'Twas Ten Days Before Bachelor
An adaptation by Some Guy in Austin

'Twas ten days before Bachelor, when all through the Pad
ABC interns were stirring, cleaning up after Brad;
The T-backs were hung by the hot tub with care,
In hopes that Ben Flajnik soon would be there;

This season’s bimbos were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While visions of cocktail parties danced in their heads;
Some Guy in his Snuggie, had just popped the cap,
Off a frosty cold Lone Star, post off-season nap,

When out near the mansion there arose such a clatter,
Harrison sprang from his suite to see what was the matter.
He paid his sleeping escort then he flew like a flash,
Pulled on a black suit and threw an intern his hash.

The moon on the breasts of the girls on the show
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the wet driveway below,
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a stretch Hummer limo, filled with desperation and beer,

And there stood Ben Flajnik and his bad haircut it seems,
As Some Guy sat and wondered what Ben’s last name means.
With tons of eye make up and fake tans, they came,
Chris Harrison whistled and called them by name;

"Now, ANNA! now, AMBER! now, KACIE and JACLYN!
To the blue neon lit mansion! Evening gown and all!
Now dash away! Drink away! Get drunk ‘til you fall!"

Like Axe Body Spray they linger. They laugh, and they lie,
When they meet the next Bachelor, they give a bat to the eye,
So up to the house-top the bimbos they flew,
With livers full of booze, and Chris Harrison too.

And then, in a twinkling, across the living room floor
The prancing and pawing was too much to ignore
As I puked in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the grand entrance came Ben with a bound.

He was dressed in grey Levis (remember those?), and a queer yellow sweater,
Some Guy wondered and wondered why Ben couldn’t dress better;
A bundle of roses he had flung on his back,
A big giant d-bag, like his predecessor, Wo-mack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
He looked for a virgin, alas, not a cherry!
He had not a six pack nor muscles and knew it
He’d gained no street cred by banging Love Hewitt (allegedly);

The First Impression Rose he held tightly in his teeth,
As the strong stench of jealousy hung around like a wreath;
Girls soon will be sent--- crying in the limo alone
Think Fantasy Suite, Ben. Send the bitchy ones home

His looks were just average, although dressed in some finery
And I laughed when I saw him, his trump card his winery;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Is all it would take to get these contestants in bed;

Ben spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And cut all the loose ends who then called him a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Harrison grabbed his blow and left with some Ho, Ho, Ho’s;

He sprang to his suite and gave the women a whistle,
And away they all flew toward Ben’s awaiting love missile.
But I heard Harrison exclaim, when he drove out of sight,

Well, there it is. My final post of 2011. Thank you all again. Enjoy your holidays. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be ironing my grey Levis. Ho, Ho, Ho. DP


  1. LOVE THIS! I can't wait for the debauchery to begin. Better yet, I can't wait to read what you have to say about the debauchery :)

  2. Awesome!!! Loved the Jennifer Love Hewitt reference!
    Merry Christmas!!!

  3. Ahh, jen and mary, so nice of you to read and comment amidst what I'm sure are busy holiday schedules. Happy Holidays! DP

  4. From Derek and the boys. Our little toast to you. Looking forward to reading this season. You're the best, DP!!!

    Twas the night of The Bachelor, when all through Javier’s den
    The Cuban Missile Crisis gathered a group of gay men;
    The cosmos were poured in the kitchen with care,
    In hopes that this year Ben cut his hair

    We knew that the girls would be catty and fake
    Thank God for Some Guy’s blog to keep us awake
    He’s a writer, a cowboy and a lawyer to boot
    We laugh till we cry cause he’s always a hoot

    We wondered aloud before the show would begin
    Would Ben finally come out and start living in sin
    Up until now he’s been living a lie
    It’s time to come out of the closet we said with a sigh

    Now Ames! Now, Ben and all of you others
    Don’t fight it guys, come join us as brothers
    At the end of the year, I think we’ll all be taken aback
    He’ll come to his senses, choose no one and pull a Womack

    The boys from South Beach were snug in their seats
    Waiting for the limo to arrive with this year’s fresh meat
    Some would be cute and others would be tramps
    We laughed and we giggled as we turned down the lamps

    Another great season with our beloved DP
    Just Javier, Fabian, the others and me
    If I said that we loved the show you know it’s a lie
    The main reason we watch is because of Some Guy

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to DP and all of your readers.

    Love and laughs,

    Derek and the boys

  5. I was laughing all through this ... I just don't think the annual reading of "A Visit from St. Nicholas" will be the same this year!

    My favorite lines:
    He paid his sleeping escort then he flew like a flash,
    Pulled on a black suit and threw an intern his hash.

    His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
    He looked for a virgin, alas, not a cherry!

    Excellent again, DP! Your next post will be a much-needed pick-me-up after my vacation ends. That first day back to work is pretty much a downer. Kudos to ABC's timing too. Have a wonderful holiday season!

  6. Oh, Derek, that was adorable!!!! Between you and DP, what a wonderful way to break up a dreary Wednesday!

  7. Good Lord, Derek. Nice work. I'd wish you a happy holiday but I'm certain you've already donned your "gay apparel.". Thanks for keeping ME laughing this year. You and the boys are welcome to have a slumber party at my place anytime. If I'm ever in Miami I'll look you up. Lord knows you deserve a slap and tickle for your hard work. DP

  8. Nice work, DP. I like how you made sure to mock the ridiculousness, tie in the current events, reference the grey Levis, throw in a few anatomy jokes, and of course, sprinkle it all with your wit. Merry Christmas! And I know I will have a Happy New Year, thanks to you.

  9. Totally perfect, as usual, DP, but I'm with Clare - I don't know if I'll be able to read "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ever again!

    And Derek and the boys' poem was just icing on the cake!

    Thanks for all your time invested into this crazy show. It makes all my Tuesdays that much brighter. Have a wonderful Christmas. :)

  10. Thanks to you, DP, for keeping us all entertained. It has been a great year and I'm glad to have spent part of it reading your blog. I have thoroughly enjoyed each post and look forward to many more!

    Take care, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!


    PS: A shout out as well to Derek and the Boys for their Ode to you and to the show. That was priceless!

  11. DP, that was fantastic!! So hysterical!!

    I had the usual giggle/eye roll at the "He looked for a virgin, alas, not a cherry!" Hahahaa..

    (still dig the grey Levi's and Lululemon pants ;))

  12. Thanks, DP, for the laughs! Merry Christmas!

  13. Your blogs are the only reason I started watching the show again. Thanks for all the off season blogs as well, each one delivered a message that was worth hearing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  14. Okay, I have another one for you (the best, in my opinion...although Derek and the boys' was pretty darn good). It involves those support briefs I emailed you about. The ones my husband bought for the Zumba class he was forced to attend due to a lost bet. L'Anyhoodle, here you go:

    Twas the night before Zumba, and inside our house, a bet was won by a deserving spouse.

    The wife was ecstatic, the husband resigned
    to a class at the gym with some dancing in mind.

    The support briefs were bought on a lunch break sans care
    and ended up cutting off blood flow "down there."

    The husband left Zumba class early, it's true, and endured some mockery from the whole crew. He proved his worth with a baby that's due
    ...In JULY! Woo hoo :)

    I thought you should be one of the first to know since you were genuinely concerned for Justin's well-being and could understand the pain he went through.

    Thanks for being so much fun to read! I can't wait to see what you have to say about this season. If you're ever in Omaha, look us up!

  15. Hysterical! I'll never be able to read the original poem again without thinking of you, and Derek and the boys. It's a close race to who was best, you both made me laugh until I cried. Thank you for keeping my interest in the show, I would have given up a long time ago without your blogs to keep me in stitches.
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  16. jen, I'm certain that your husband (who you identifed by name) is thrilled that you're posting poems about his unfortunate loss on the internet. I'm happy you're knocked up and glad his plumbing is in order.

    liana, always good hear from you. I owe you an email and I'll get to that over the holiday. Merry Christmas to you as well! DP

  17. Not to ignore this upcoming season, but did you hear the next Bachelorette is going to be none other than EMILY?!!

  18. careful what you wish for, DP!!! Me and the boys might just show up dressed as fireman and take you up on the slumber party offer. Thanks to all of the girls for a shout out on our version of Twas the night before Christmas. It's always so much fun posting comments and hearing from everyone. By the way, Jen....loved your version too, girl!!!! Happy Holidays everyone!!!!


  19. Another brilliant post, DP. Well done. I think your recaps (and Lincee's) are the only reason I am going to watch come January.

    Hope you and the SLF have a very merry Christmas!

  20. Love it, love it, love it! I just happened to stumble on your site last year when looking for Bachelor news. It is hilarious and I have told everyone to read it. Keep up the good work.

  21. DP, Thanks for gifting us with your delightful poetry and prose. You, too, Derek. Can't wait for you two to meet; I can only imagine the blog about such a momentous occasion. Could be the reason prognosticators believe the world will end in 2012? Merry Christmas to all!

  22. Another classic! Have a Happy Christmas Some Guy...I look forward to your updates in January!

  23. awesome!
    i'm a big fan of parodies. i tend to think it takes even more creativity to work within that scope.
    kudos to you.
    and happy holidays!

    thanks for some great laughs.

  24. Fan-fricking-tastic! I'm so sad I'll have to postpone all the Bachelor fun a few days since I'll be rooting on my Cowboys in Phoenix. It will be torture waiting unitl AFTER I've watched the show to read your blog. Happy New Year to you!

  25. I hope someone (you or Lincee) will use their post title "You give blogging a bad name".