Friday, December 9, 2011


Hello, Readers and welcome to an extremely late post. Between trials, my berfday, and my other obligations, it’s been tough to get the time to write. In the spirit of the unbelievably aggressive ad campaign launched last week by our friends at ABC heralding the January 2nd start of the Bachelor starring the wimpiest bachelor since . . . well, ever, I’ve taken the liberty of breaking down the female suitors after reviewing their profiles and head shots on the ABC website. Before I begin, I must share with you the real reason why I didn’t post this until today.

Picture Some Guy sitting shirtless--which is much easier thanks to a certain other blogger posting that infamous picture of me on her website--at the desk in his bedroom staring blankly at his keyboard in hopes that Inspiration would knock on the door, walk to the ‘fridge, grab a cold Lone Star, and sit down on the edge of the bed in order to share himself with me. Strike that. Let’s picture Inspiration as a hot, olive skinned, brunette in a knee high summer dress and cowboy boots. Much better.

Incidentally, I think “Inspiration” would make a fine stage name for an up-and-coming stripper. I have no intention on trademarking or copyrighting it, so if you’re destined for the pole, feel free to steal my idea. Granted, it’s not a city in Nevada, a spice, a fruit, a palindrome, and it doesn’t end in an “I,” but it’s a valid stripper name nonetheless. You’re welcome. Back to my story.

As I began to type the first paragraph of this post on Wednesday evening, I thought I heard a beeping sound coming from the front of the house. I got up to inspect it and indeed heard a faint beeping sound. When I opened the front door (I live in a condo) I was hit squarely in the face by the piercing scream of the fire alarms running throughout the complex. “Odd,” I thought as I saw my neighbors on the phone with who I assumed was the fire department. “If there’s a fire, they’ll let me know,” I said aloud and closed my door.

I walked back across my living room and noticed what I thought was smoke coming from the closed doors of my laundry room, which is located outside a double sliding glass door on my balcony. “Oh God,” I thought, “my dryer is on fire.” I threw the glass door open, stepped out on the balcony, and put my hand on the closed laundry room door. It was at this point that I noticed I was standing in a pool of water and the “smoke” was actually mist. I opened the door and, like Brooke Shields in The Blue Lagoon, was showered with a waterfall of cold water coming from the sprinkler head above the washing machine. Soaked and sufficiently pissed off, I shut the door and went back inside waiting for the remaining sprinklers scattered throughout the house to begin spraying at any moment.

In anticipation of the soaking all of my belongings would soon take, I retrieved a duffel bag from the closet and began packing a change of clothes, my phone charger, my iPad, and my “Insurance” folder from my file cabinet. Oddly enough, I felt no need to pack anything else. In the middle of packing, I heard the familiar sound of sirens in the distance and knew that help was on the way.

Still unsure if there was a fire and convinced that my sprinklers were on the verge of bursting at any moment, I opened the front door and sat on the couch, soaked from head to toe, drinking a cold Lone Star waiting for the cavalry to arrive. I felt like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic. Granted, I was wet, shirtless, and I wasn’t headed for certain death in the icy waters of the North Atlantic, but you get the picture: there was nothing I could do.

Mere minutes later, I heard the clomping of fire boots headed up my stairwell and I arose to greet them. Within moments a herd of yellow fire suits stampeded into my place in search of the danger. Unfortunately, the 12 (yes, 12) firemen who barged into my place elected the 12th guy leader and authorized him to speak with me. They could have saved themselves a lot of trouble—and me the need to steam clean my carpets—if they would have made the first guy the speaker. As they searched my entire place high and low with their axes and oxygen tanks attached, I pointed to the balcony and suggested that Mr. December corral Mr. January through Mr. November in order to fix my sprinkler problem. Here’s where I find the humor.

The entire time I was standing there wet and shirtless with 12 young, muscular, damp, determined fire fighters standing on my balcony only two thoughts kept spinning through my head. The first one was “how many firemen does it take to turn off a water sprinkler?” The second, and most important one for our purposes, was “I can’t wait to tell Lincee ( this story.”

I felt like that helpless lady on the cover of a romance novel being ravaged by a raven headed Indian on the frontier. I half expected to look at my open front door to see the back lit silhouette of Kurt Russell or Fabio running toward me in slow motion before throwing me over his shoulder and whisking me to safety where he would revive me by performing CPR whether I needed it or not. “Dude, Lincee would love this,” I kept thinking as I smiled in relief when the sprinkler was turned off and I realized my home, my belongings, and my person were all in tact.

I offered Mr. January through Mr. December the remaining 11 beers in my 12-pack. After all, one guy had to drive the fire truck. Incidentally, Mr. March appeared to be the most capable of that task—or at least that’s what I told myself. They all laughed and politely declined. I shook their hands as they wished me a Merry Christmas, apologized for the dirty carpet, and accepted my sincere thanks for the work they do. Thanks to the Austin Fire Department. My only regret is that Lincee wasn’t there instead of me. With that out of the way, let’s get to the women.

It’s that time. It’s time for this year’s bachelor, the aforementioned wine making wimp, Ben Flajnik, to comb through a pile of 26 women in search of the person he’ll sort of get to know over the course of five weeks, propose to in the crushing heat of a tropical location after meeting with the ambiguously homosexual Neil Lane, attend countless parties and photo ops with, and eventually announce (regretfully) that after trying super hard it just wasn’t meant to be.

After seeing the previews on ABC’s website (yes, this is the only time of year I actually research before I write), I found myself wondering what in the world the Producers are going to use as first-episode filler in lieu of the 20 minutes of shower and work out scenes we’ve come accustomed to seeing over the past few seasons. Ben is far from a doughy mess, but he doesn’t exactly ring the bell at the top of the rock wall in the hot body or looks category. If I want to see a pu*sy shower, I’ll go to the Men’s Locker Room at my gym on Bring a Guest Day. My guess is that they use the Sonoma Valley grandeur in the absence of Ben’s grandeur. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see.

As most of you know, I actually liked Ben last season and I respected him for getting pissed at the five head when she dumped him. He—say it with me—showed some sack. However, it is incumbent upon me to bust his grapes this season. First, let’s concentrate on his 26 options for the maybe soon-to-be possible fiancé and perhaps eventually at some indefinite time in the future Mrs. Flajnik.

Oh, and Ali and Roberto broke up. Shocking. Ali was nice enough to assume we cared and—in an effort to protect the “privacy” she and Roberto need at “this difficult time” she ran straight to the cover of People Magazine in order to tell us what happened. “We both realized we were unhappy more than we were happy," she said. "And we both deserved more." Ok.

Nice job, Ali’s Publicist. Now let’s translate that back to how it was originally communicated to the aforementioned publicist. “Roberto realized that he was unhappy with my incessant nagging and demanding more than he was happy with my incessant nagging and demanding. Roberto deserved more; and frankly, should have no trouble getting it.” Now, let’s get to the women.

“These women will compete for Ben but only one will win his heart,” decries the ABC website. I assume that due to the limited space on the web page, they deleted the full sentence.

For the record, it read, “These women will compete for Ben, unlimited and undeserved publicity, free alcohol, a 28 day trip around the world, a modest per diem, and Ben but only one will win his heart before the constant media pressure reveals all of the slutty secrets she haphazardly buried in a shallow grave before signing ABC’s airtight yet unconscionable release in hopes of becoming famous.”

1. Amber B., 23 --- I know, it’s shocking that there’s more than one “Amber” in the mix, right? Regardless, the Canadian and alphabetical-order-blessed Amber B. tells us that Eat Pray Love is her favorite book. That means she bought the book at the Barnes and Noble for that tiny Canadian dollar amount in the corner above the real price and put it on her coffee table next to her potpourri and on top of her Paula Deen cookbooks after hearing about it on Oprah or from one of her girlfriends at the wine bar who bought the book after hearing about it on Oprah. She probably thinks Julia Roberts wrote it.

That movie is not about soul searching and finding oneself, by the way. It’s about a selfish woman with enough money to take a year off and tramp around the world indulging herself until she’s ready to come home. There’s nothing romantic about it. Amber B. will soon be OOT of the running.

2. Amber T., 28 --- I know, it’s shocking that there’s more than one “Amber” in the mix, right? This one looks like a man. “The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach,” she says in her carefully crafted profile. Utter lack of originality aside, she’s wrong. You’re close, Amber T. The real way to a man’s heart is a little lower than his stomach. I’m certain you’ll figure that out. Provide she’s not “The Crazy One” this season, she’s likely to make the cut. At least she didn’t say “the best way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage with a sharp kitchen knife.”

3. Anna, 25.--- She’s 25, but she’s Canadian. With the exchange rate, she’s actually 14. She also looks like a man. It doesn’t help the case for androgyny when she tells us that she “Loves dressing up.” Let’s hope that the original sentence didn’t end with “as a woman.” If Ben takes her on a beach date, he’s bound to discover the truth.

4. Blakely, 34 --- She’s definitely the hottest head shot picture taker. She’s a VIP Cocktail Waitress with 4 tattoos. You guessed it; she’s my favorite. Her job description screams fancy club or nudie bar. Either way, she probably knows 50 Cent, P. Diddy, and all of the Oakland Raiders.

5. Brittney, 26 --- She’s in medical sales and she’s from Colorado. Notwithstanding the fact that her roots are darker than Blakely’s past, she’s likely got her sh*t together. We’ll see how she does.

6. Casey S., 26 --- Doe-eyed, blond with Shirley Temple curls and the girl next door look. She appears as pure as the driven snow—and about as smart as it too. It’s always the sweet and quiet ones you have to worry about.

7. Courtney, 28 --- My prediction is that provided she had a scintilla of personality and a modicum of class, she’ll make it to the Fantasy Suite. She’s simply too hot not to. Sorry, but that’s the way it works. She’s a model from Arizona. You know who else is a model from Arizona? Brooke Burke. Ahh, Brooke Burke (insert DP dream sequence here). At any rate, Courtney says, “I'm a hopeless romantic.  Love is my religion. I'm in love with love. All I want is to find the right guy & love him forever.” Ampersand aside, that’s a ridiculous answer.

8. Dianna, 30 --- She’s a non-profit director who loves ‘N Sync. That’s hot. She also admires Oprah more than any other person. That’s not so hot. She’ll do well.

9. Elyse, 24 --- Personal Trainer. Another hermaphrodite. What in the hell is going on with the selection committee this year? Granted, a head shot can be misleading, but if you look close enough you can see chin stubble and an Adam’s Apple on this broad. She “loves making people happy.” You know what that means? I have four letters for you. S. L. U. T.

10. Emily, 27. She’s another front runner according to my brilliant picking skills. She’s an Emily from North Carolina—No, not THAT Emily, but an attractive girl regardless. She’s working on her PhD. too, proving that even smart girls can make dumb decisions. You can hear her voice in her profile answers and she appears to have a good sense of humor. I like her. If this trend continues into next season, I’m going to suggest that every pregnant woman who knows she’s having a girl move to North Carolina and name the kid Emily. Your kid is guaranteed to turn out hot.

11. Erika, 23 --- Law student with a lip tattoo. BOOOOORRRRIINNNG.

12. Holly, 34 --- Her age column should read “At least 34.” Look, if you’re going to bleach your hair blond and lie about your age, at least pick an age that works for you. If she’s really 34, she needs to stop tanning and smoking. She’s aging faster than Lindsey Lohan. It’s difficult to tell, but she also appears to have Vienna-ism of the eyes. Oh, and she also looks like a man. What gives?

13. Jaclyn, 27. Poor Jaclyn is blond and unattractive. Her fantasy date is “being whisked away to an undisclosed spot.” Where I’m from they have a word for that. That word is “kidnapping.” Enjoy your free drinks and your tour of the mansion. Make sure you put the free soap in your purse because you won’t be staying overnight.

14. Jamie, 25 – She’s an RN. At first glance she’s cute and perhaps has a naughty side (it’s in the eyes). She looks for “loyal, respectable, funny, approachable, charismatic, honest, hard-working, intelligent, kind, polite” men with great "father" qualities. Hey Ben, run. The career choice is nothing more than the manifestation of her disproportionately overwhelming desire to care and nurture others caused by the neglect of an emotionally unavailable father. She’s looking for everything he wasn’t. Get out while the getting is good.

15. Jenna, 27 --- I like her too. She’s a Blogger which explains why she has such a good profile. She’s witty and attractive. Ben should be aware that everything from how loud he snores to the size of his wiener will be posted online the second she learns it. Provided the size of his wiener is not something he’s ashamed of, this one may work out. She’s also a DP front runner.

16. Jennifer, 28 --- She’s a red headed accountant from Oklahoma (or as we call it in Texas, ‘Mobile-homa’) with a fake smile broader than the Three Gorges Dam in China. She tells us that her favorite book is The Notebook. HOWEVER, “I don't read love stories because they often seem unrealistic - this one though does it for me.”

First of all, nothing Nicolas Sparks writes is realistic. That’s why women love to read it. Second of all, if you don’t read love stories then how did you stumble upon The Notebook? As the only red head, she’ll stand out but she’ll have to do more than wax poetically about Noah Calhoun is she’s going to stick around.

17. Kacie, 24 – Naughty looking administrative assistant. She’ll go far.  These kinds always do, if you know what I mean.

18. Lindzi C., 27 --- I’d like to thank her parents for the glaring spelling error in her name. “Lindzi” with a “Z”? That’s ridiculouz. She tells us that she’s “allergic to sun.” I’m not certain what that means. The irony is that she lives---where else-- in Florida, the Sunshine State. Someone needs to tell her that she’s also on a show where the winner has to move to sunny California. She’s hot in a sort of younger Heidi Klum without the creepy looking husband and 7 kids kind of way. She’ll stick around. She’s a DP front runner.

19. Lindsie J., 29 --- Prognathism (Google it). She lists her occupation as “Internet Entrepreneur.” Much like “VIP Cocktail Waitress,” this job description implies something untoward. I’m certain that all of the members of her bedroom-based chat room are excited to see her with clothes on; however, they’ll have to get used to being unable to type “show me your cooch” into their sticky keyboards while simultaneously watching it happen.

20. Monica, 33 --- She loves lip gloss and San Antonio, Texas. Whatever.

21. Nicki, 26 --- She’s a cute dental hygienist from Hurst, Texas, which is a town just outside of Dallas that people from Dallas refuse to acknowledge as a suburb of Dallas. To be fair, Hurst doesn’t have valet parking and you’re not required to wear a sport coat everywhere you go. That alone disqualifies it as a suburb of Dallas. Nicki has the “ability to make people feel comfortable.” Let’s hope she’s referring to her Fantasy Suite skills. My hope is that my fellow Texan will do well.

22. Rachel, 27 --- She’s the one who looks like Olivia Newton John. That would have worked for me in a big way circa 1978. It’s too bad that I’m over it now. Ben will likely feel the same way.

23. Samantha, 26 -- She has 3 tattoos in “various locations.” First of all, no sh*t? What’s the alternative, “a single location”? Spare us the vague description next time and just say “I have a tattoo near my cooter.”

24. Shawn, 28 --- She has 5 tattoos also in “various locations.” Now we’re talking. Set aside the fact that one of those “locations” is her lower back, and I dig it. Conservative, grape-squishing Ben, on the other hand, will likely draw the line a one tattoo. She looks slutty in her picture too. Oh, and if she’s 28 then I’m 16.

25. Sheryl, “age is just a number”. Why are they wasting my time? She’s at least 60 and I’ll give her an “attractive,” but come on. Unless Ben is an anililagnious weirdo, this is a pathetic stunt that, frankly, will backfire. If I was the Bachelor, I’d call her bluff and get her to the Fantasy Suite, but I doubt Ben has the balls to do that. Who knows, he might learn a thing or two---or sixty.

Enjoy you’re 15 minutes, your soda water at the cocktail party, and the hug you get from Ben on your way out the door. I’m certain the women at the bingo hall will love hearing the story.

26. Shira, she responded “??” to the age question. That answer screams body-morphic and aging issues. Ben would do well to run away from her and her trick mirror.

Well, there it is, a rundown of this season’s upcoming Parade of Poon based solely on their head shots and profiles. I can’t wait to figure out who’s going to go crazy first. Enjoy your weekend and look forward to next week’s post. I plan to continue my “Night Before Christmas” tradition of bastardizing a perfectly good Christmas story into a bachelor parody. If you’re interested in seeing last year’s click on the December 2010 drop down and read my “’Twas a Week Before the Bachelor” post from last year. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sharpening my pencil. DP


  1. DP, you are in rare form today! Another year older AND funnier. I laughed more often than Ali apparently fought with Roberto.

    I'm sure Lincee isn't the only one envious of your visit from Austin's bravest. Can't you picture Derek reading this post? I hope he didn't faint at the thought of all those good-looking fire fighters, plus a bare-chested Some Guy, in your bedroom.

  2. Welcome Back, DP!! Loved the post and happy to hear your condo survived and that it was able to provide you with such a funny story to tell.

    I look forward to your Bachelor blogs already but not the show. Ben's imitation of his dog barking - on national television - in front of five head's family - was just wrong and I cannot get on board with him as the Bachelor. Thanks for sacrificing yourself for us!

    Have a great weekend!


  3. Something to look forward to in the new year - thanks for sharing your wit and your predictions. As another overworked lawyer who knows there is more to life than what goes on in (and in preparation for) the courtroom, I have missed your voice!

  4. It's good to be back! Thanks for sticking around. DP

  5. All I could think about was Derek and the boys too when I read your fire fighter 'rescue'. Can't wait for your comments each week once this train wreck begins. Until then have a Merry Christmas.
    Paula in Sacramento

  6. Hey dp2 and Paula! I hope you girls both have been doing well. You guessed right. I did get a little hot under the collar when I thought of DP standing there alone, wet and half dressed. I would have loved nothing more than to teleport to Austin and help dry him off. However, when he mentioned the firemen in his condo, I thought I might faint. All I could think about was lighting my own rug on fire and sticking my head out the window of my apartment and yelling, "HELP!!!" "Somebody call a few big strong firemen." "I need someone to rescue me!!!!!!"

    OMG!!! I could just picture some strong, young firefighter scooping me up in his arms and carrying me to safety. "I think I inhaled smoke. You guys are trained in CPR, right?"

    Great post, DP! And thanks for the new idea! LOL! I look forward to reading your blog this new season. By the way, I forgot to tell friend Javier likes your photo so much (cowboy hat with gun pictured above) that he blew it up to an 8x10 and put it on his fridge. Let's just say at the last little get-together at Javiers before we hit the strip you got more than a few double takes and were quite the conversation piece.

    Love and laughs,

  7. Nice work, Derek. It's no coincidence you have an affinity for things that are flaming. DP

  8. LOL.....shame on you, DP!!!


  9. Glad you're back. You'll definitely make watching boring Ben worthwhile!

  10. That's some good stuff you're putting out DP!

  11. Welcome back! I hope you're able to have a stress-free holiday. I do so enjoy your Bachelor posts! These girls look like quite the crew. Poor Boring Ben. I guess ABC figured they needed to do something to spice up the season...screw finding love!

  12. You and I have totally different taste in women.

  13. OMG... it feels so right when Derek has already commented before I get to read, like a little dallop of whipped cream on top of my hot fudge sundae! Anyway, liked your summaries on the ladies. Not interested in this season because Ben is SOOOOO VANILLA, but, all together now... "I'm going to watch it so I can stay up with SGIA's recaps!" (and Lincee's)

    SC in FL

  14. Great post, so glad to have you back!! Totally agree with you about Eat, Pray, Love & I usually really like Julia Robert but I really just wanted to smack her.

    After reading your post I think that rather than trying to pick which girl will make it to the end with Ben, I am going to try to pick which girl will be the next bachlorette.

    There seems to be much more long term interest in promoting the next "best season" than the short term "relationship" that unfolds.
    Looking forward to watching & reading:)

    Thanks for hanging in there with us, don't think I'd keep watching without you & Lincee to keep it entertaining. Merry Christmas!

  15. HK, I can tell you quite a few Kelly Willis stories if you're interested. Our tastes aren't that different. We'll see how much I change when the season strata and I have to listen to these chicks talk.

    Stacey, good to see you're still reading.


  16. Do tell - then I can tell you the ultra embarrassing and extremely pathetic way we got to meet her last weekend. I will send you the picture for proof.

  17. Loved your take on all the girls! My vote is for fellow Aggie and RDH, Nicki!! She's so cute!

    Also, whoever the make-up artist was on their headshot photoshoot is awful.


  18. Amber - I think the ABC photographer almost always does a lousy job with the (male or female) publicity shots. Thankfully, the contestants look better in action than in the still photos. Btw, what do you make of Some Guy's remark about there being two Ambers in the mix?

    Derek - I hope you're well and have not gotten yourself arrested for calling in a false alarm in the hopes of meeting a hunky firefighter. Loved your comments and DP's response. Btw, I may be in Miami next month. If so, will you let me know where you and the Boys hang on a weeknight?

  19. You're so right about Eat Pray Love. That book maddened me, as did all the coverage and praise it got. Not many of us could afford to take a break from life and traipse around the world "finding ourselves".

    I think someone in casting at ABC dislikes Ben, because based on the promo pictures of the "ladies", at least three of them (Jaclyn, Lyndsie, and Shira) look like Muppets. Cute in a movie about loveable puppets, not so much for a dating show.

  20. Wow, muppet smack. I'm certain the muppets would resent those matter how accurate they are. DP

  21. Hey there, dp2. Me and the boys would be tickled to death to have you join our motley crew for an evening. I would not want to scare you away with anywhere too taboo, so if you end up making the trip to South Beach we could always meet you down around Lincoln Lane. Creme Lounge and Score are right next to each other. Me and the boys love bouncing back and forth between the two on a given weeknight. Also, Buck 15 is just as good and its only a few steps down the street. The Cuban Missle Crisis always has room for an Italian girl (or guy..hint, hint, Some Guy!!!). Keep me posted, girlfriend!!!

    Derek and the boys

  22. Some guy in austin said -"If she’s really 34, she needs to stop tanning and smoking."

    Really???? Seriously???

    Just because you cut back on your excessive drinking and womanizing and decided to start running through parks again does not make you an expert on health or give you the right to judge. Don't you have a spin class somewhere that you need to attend? We get it. You don't like smoking and obviously prefer to stay indoors or sit in the shade. News flash!!! People have been smoking long before there were blogs, iPhones or reality tv. We're not going anywhere, so get over yourself or suffer in silence.

    Alice in Tulsa

  23. Wow, Alice. Sounds like you need a cigarette. Oh, and as for my "excessive drinking and womanizing" I suppose that's a fair assumption based on the content of this blog. My blog, my rules. If you don't like what you see here, you're welcome to comment or simply stop reading. I can't please everyone. Thanks for suffering through it. DP

  24. Alice - I don’t think you get the point of this blog. Though I agree with some of DP’s comments on the ladies (using this term loosely based on the previews); I don’t see what he does in some of the ones he thinks are hot. However, it is his opinion mixed heavily with sarcasm. He has said himself that you have to read his blog with a grain of salt. If you are going to continue reading, you would do well to remember that. While I’ll admit that I’m a non-smoker and non-tanner (I burn), it is factual that smoking and the sun age people more than most things. I didn’t perceive him to be attacking people who do either.

    DP – I enjoyed your thoughts and predictions. I think most of your readers wish that it was us instead of you when the firefighters came to visit!

    Denise in Alabama

  25. Good points, Denise. Thank you. Let's give Alice the benefit of the doubt, however. Everyone has a sore point and I clearly hit hers. As for "judging" people, you're right, that's not my intent. While we all make judgments, I think what Alice is saying is that no one has the right to condemn another person. I agree. The blog is an exaggerated take on la lot of issues. Thanks for getting that. I appreciate the feedback. Stay warm in Alabama! DP

  26. DP, what a welcome sight to see your blog about Ben's candidates. Some of your comments had me in tears, I was laughing out loud and my dogs kept looking at me like I was a lunatic.

    As I read I kept thinking, "Can't wait to see Derek's comments". Of course he didn't disappoint. We were thinking of going to Miami between Christmas and New Year and I wanted to connect with Derek, but the trip fell through. I'll probably go sometime in February, for sure I want to meet Derek and the Boys. Maybe you can make the introductions when the time comes.

    Only reason I am looking forward to Ben's boring season is to read your blog and Lincee's.

  27. Yay Alice! SGIA's head is getting a bit big from all the a$$ kissing in the comments. I dont know how but some way his a$$ & head are connected.

  28. Classic. Three years I've been doing this and NOW my head gets big? I'll be looking forward to "anonymous's" blog when it comes out. Like I said, I ALWAYS appreciate the feedback and the readership but if I really bother you that badly, perhaps you shouldn't torture yourself by reading. At least Alice had the balls to sign her name. I respect that and her opinion. I just don't share it. DP

  29. DP, I'm shocked by the tongue-lashing this week and commend you for how you've handled it. I've always found the commenters to be extremely kind to you and each other, unlike so many other sites on the web. Along with your funny send-ups of the Bachelor/ette, the banter between/among all of us is one of the most appealing aspects of your blog. I sure hope this week is an aberration (is there a full moon?) and not a new trend.

  30. dp2, "tongue lashing". There's a filthy joke in there waiting to burst free. It's always nice to see you in the comment section or on my email. Thanks for weighing in. As for the naysayers this week, I'm not sure what it is. Everyone is invited to play along. As is my custom, I won't remove what's posted here unless it crosses a pretty big line. Thanks again for the support. DP

  31. I agree with dp2. I think anyone who knows DP or at the very least has followed this blog for any length of time can tell tell you that most of DP's comments and opinions almost always contain a hint of sarcasm and are intended to entertain us. One of the last words that I would use to describe DP would be "judgemental". I have been a casual smoker for a little over 15 years and recently quit. However, over a few drinks on occasion, I have lit up from time to time around DP and except for an occasional joke he has not critisized me for smoking while being a mere 2 or 3 feet away from him. In fact, regardless of how much it might or might not have bothered him, he never passed judgement or made me feel uncomfortable.

    Does DP have a big head?....not that I can tell. Does he have an ego? Yes, without a doubt. But that same ego has been there ever since I can remember(long before this blog). I think that his ego and sharp tongue is half the reason that all of us find this blog so funny and entertaining.

    Excessive drinking and womanizing. LOVED IT! Nice one, Alice!


  32. Oh how you make me laugh, DP!! So glad that you are back mocking this show. It appears that ABC is giving you more than enough this season. Didn't need to see Ben's butt and hear the "ladies" language. What in the "girls gone wild" is going on here?

    This post made me laugh 'til my cheeks hurt. Good job and here's to kissing your a$$. :) Oh and I've missed some of the readers. You know who you are.

  33. Hey, DP. Can't wait to see you recaps this season. It's the only thing that's still enjoyable about this show. Anyway, the huffington post has a slideshow of the contestants, only instead of headshots, it shows their whole bodies. I'm curious to know if seeing their figures/posture/taste in clothing alters your opinion of any of them. To me it made a huge difference. If you're curious, go to:

  34. Cariss, always good to see you weigh in. Thanks for defending my honor. I'll check out the full body shots. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say. DP

  35. Seriously, people? It's a reality TV show and purely DP's opinion. If you don't like it, stop reading. And, if you want a big ego, try Reality Steve, who is a poor writer, by the way.
    Alice he doesn't write the blog for any self gain. I made him do it because his emails to a group of us had us in stitches. Plain and simple, he was just making some friends laugh.
    DP is probably one of the most honest guys I know. He has a point of view, and he's not afraid to own it. Couple that with a heart of gold who would do anything for a friend and pretty much you've got one of the most decent gentlemen around.

  36. I almost spit out my sweet tea from laughing so hard at Jessica's muppet comment!! I totally agree that they would resent it as well :)

    DP2- I don't make much of DP's take on the Ambers, although I'm a little disappointed at they look. For some reason, Ambers are never very attractive. To be honest, every one I have met throughout life is either red-headed, has crazy freckles, or is on the bigger side. (Nothing against being big.) The only one I know who is decent is Tiffani Amber Thiessen and even she dropped the Amber. What a diss.

    p.s. DP- here's to kissing your a$$ as well!! *smack* ;)

  37. Wow, I appreciate the rescue attempts. That's awfully nice of you to defend me. Again, it just proves that people read for different reasons. Oh, and as far as "Ambers" go, hartamber is my favorite. DP

  38. From me and the boys in South Beach, DP.....we love you and your humor. For the record, I would give up drinking cosmos and quit smoking Capri cigarettes for you.

    Love and laughs,

    Derek and the boys in South Beach

  39. His charm is so contagious that vaccines have been created for him.

    He’s won trophies for his hair alone.

    Police often question him just because they find him interesting.

    The pheromones he secretes effect people miles away… in a slight, but measurable way.

    His legend precedes him.

    He is the most interesting guy in the world.

    He doesn’t drink beer often any longer, but when he does he drinks Lone Star.

    Stay thirsty my friends.


  40. Linked to you in my blog, DP. Great to see you raring to go. Next up, Vino Ben and the Famewhores. Hey, wasnt that a Motown group?

  41. 1. Eat, Pray, Love was the most shallow book I have ever read.

    2. Gosh, we have become an unapologetic misogynist, haven't we? Run, Special Lady Friend, run!

  42. Some girls, I'm glad we agree on one thing. As for "misogyny" I fail to find any here. Read closely and you'll see that I love the opposite sex. There's nothing different here than there has been for the past 3 years. Apparently, that grain of salt that comes tucked away inside each of these posts (particularly the Bachelor ones) has been lost. DP

  43. Methinks people need to lighten up! I'm just happy to get a few minutes during the crazy holiday season to finally read this ... so glad you'll be blogging on it again ... makes the show worth watching. I liked Ben last season, but he is rather boring. Trying to figure out who's going to be the crazy one this time. And really, the older woman? C'mon. Nice way to put Ben in an awkward predicament, and why would this woman want to put herself in this spot? I think I'll fast forward through this scene ... too uncomfortable!

  44. Love your blog and I'm looking forward to the season!