Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 4: Phuk Bentley

Hello and welcome back. Here we are in week four of the show we can’t stand to hate but look at like a fat woman falling at a grocery store. I have to admit that I’ve been at the end of my proverbial rope this season and after this episode I was tempted to fashion that rope into a proverbial noose and hang myself from one of the live oaks in my neighborhood in order to avoid having to write about it. Nonetheless, here I am. I hope all of you appreciate the pain I endure at your expense every week. Alright, it’s not THAT bad, but you get the picture.

Before we get to the recap, I wanted to send this week’s shout out to every one of you (and there were many) who took the time to send me—some of you in real time—the gut wrenching news of Pippa Middleton’s break up. I’d like to implore my English fans (you know who you are) to hit the many bars where the newly single Pippa might be found drowning her sorrows in a pint of tear-flavored Guinness and get my blog address into her hands. After all, besides unlimited funds, houses scattered all over the world, a couple of yachts, and a fancy white cricket uniform, what does the Duke of Cumberbund or whatever his name is have on me? Exactly. Make it happen. With that said, let’s get to it.

We begin this episode with what will become the painful theme of apparently the next two episodes: Ashley getting dumped by Bentley and being left with the uncertainty of the dot, dot, dot as opposed to the preferably definite period. Odd, I always thought single girls preferred a definite period as opposed to some indefinite spotting. Annnnyyyhooo. . .

Harrison emerges and we know it’s morning because the cuffs on the oxford he wore to the Whiskey Bar the night before are opened and the men are sporting gray v-necks and matching pants. I could have sworn that Ames’ warm ups had the word “Juicy” on the rear end but I’m not certain. Oblivious, Harrison reiterates the 3 dates and the roses rules and drops the Thailand destination as the house erupts into a jumping and hugging frenzy, the likes of which have not been seen since Streisand announced her comeback tour.

Harrison shuts down the uncomfortable display of affection by dropping a firm “have a seat” as he explains that the destination of choice is none other than Phuket, Thailand. We get shots of elephants, yaks, monkeys, and what isn’t exactly a non sequitur, Ashley brooding in a white bikini in a dirty Thai fishing boat. She pronounces the destination “foo-KET;” however, I think we all know how it’s really pronounced. The only thing that could have made this destination richer for me was if they had done the Fantasy Suite dates here. Oh, the material.

Sporting red shorts and some F-me open-toed sandal pumps Ashley contemplates the loss of her dear Bentley as we all took a pensive sip of our beverages and prayed aloud that Harrison would break protocol and just show her the damn tape so we could all move past Bentley’s antics. In the meantime, Ashley’s brooding takes her into the Renaissance Resort where she visits the local “Navigator” to spontaneously plan her dates in broken English. If anyone of you bought that exchange as sincere, call me. I have some land in the Panhandle I’d love to sell you at a price.

Being the first to appear in this week’s color of the week, Ames and his French blue, pilot inspired shirt voices his excitement as we see a shot of the fake not-to-scale airplane taking off from L.A. and heading West (the direction, not the suitor) toward Thailand. I wondered if Ben C. was jealous that Ames got to wear French blue. To be fair, it is a valid assumption considering the content of this show that the average viewer would have a lack of geographical knowledge as well as wondering what a plane looks like.

Ames sticks to the “fresh start” theme of this week’s show by saying, “there’s probably no better place to start over than Thailand.” What? That makes about as much sense as—oh, I don’t know—say, going on a heterosexual dating show and being as gay as the day is long, for instance. Nonsense aside (for now), the guys arrive at the resort and we get a shot of Blake’s red sneakers as the guys line up in their v-necks atop the resort balcony in what will also be a theme of this week’s show: the rain.

Some six year old indentured servant drops the date card at the resort and as J.P. reads it Constantine is excited to learn that he’s going to get to “sea Phuket” with Ashley. I suppose he would have preferred to “Phuket and see” but that’s neither here nor there. Upon hearing Constantine’s big news Nick is bummed and Constantine is visibly excited. Their respective V-necks remain stoic, yet colorful.

Proving he’s had some indication as to what his big day entails, Constantine retires to the community bedroom to select a delightful pair of orange board shorts he undoubtedly purchased from the Prison Road Crew collection at Old Navy and a gray t-shirt he got from the Rocky Balboa collection in preparation to sweat his ass off and drink warm beer while listening to Ashley whine all day. But first, we need to pretend like a trip to a private island was booked.

As Ashley waits “alone” holding her French blue umbrella sporting a woefully poor imitation of Emily’s white shorts and an Obi-Wan-Kenobi sweater it is clear that she’s dialing this one in. I actually felt sorry for Constantine—who looks like Ben F.’s brother with a pituitary issue by the way.

Constantine arrives after being recognized from a mile away in his orange shorts and Ashley pretends that she’s planned a romantic trip to a private island before the Asian guy from the Jabberwockeez appears and points out in Taiwanese that the weather sucks. After listening to that exchange I felt like I was watching The Deer Hunter and not The Bachelorette.

I won’t even take the time to describe this excuse for a date in detail. Like J.P. before him, Constantine got robbed. Between “awesomes” and “soooo cutes” Ashley and Constantine manage to coif a few warm beers, try on some scarves, and talk to the father of that Asian guy from the Jabberwockeez about being married for 36 years via an ABC intern from U.C.L.A. on a break from her trigonometry homework and piano lessons.

I will say that, while unimaginably dull, Constantine seemed like a really nice, considerate, level-headed, decent guy. He had a good attitude on the crappy date, articulated his feelings well, and seemed genuinely interested in Ashley. As is the case with most foolish women, Ashley looks past all that stuff and continues to pine after Bentley. She sucks.

Back at the temporary MAN-sion J.P. skirts around the temporary insanity that often creeps into the minds of certain contestants to make it this far in the running and opines that Constantine should not get a date rose. Mickey sports his Frank Sinatra hat and Constantine’s twin Ben F. wants another date with Ashely.

Back at the transplanted MAN-sion the Group Date Card gets dropped as Lucas and his bold choice of a salmon colored t-shirt read it. Apparently, Lucas found his personality this week. Perhaps it has been tucked away in obscurity in a forgotten compartment in his carry on bag until now. Regardless, the guy actually spoke this week. Hooray for the Texan. We’ll see how he does now that he’s willing to step out of the shadows.

“Let’s Make the World a Better Place” the card reads as we learn that Ben F., J.P., Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William (who looks more and more like Jake every show), and Ryan are about to get screwed into performing free labor instead of zip lining or line dancing or whatever. After some mentally strenuous deduction, the guys figure out that Ames, by default, will be the lucky recipient of the next one-on-one date. He rushes to the local jewelry vendor to purchase a pink watch for the occasion.

Before I move on let me say a few words about Ames. Between leading with his pilot shirt and the one-on-one date (insert Adele music here), I have so much material that it’s almost impossible to continue with the rest of the blog. Seeing Ames on his date is like stumbling upon a huge freshwater lake in the middle of a desert. It was tantamount to a fat kid finding a giant bag of candy or Brad Womack being given a lifetime supply of Axe Body Spray. Wasting an opportunity like that would be criminal. I plan to make the most of it. But first, back to the chronology.

We cut to Constantine and Ashley’s half-assed dinner date where Ashley pretends to listen as a dull but surprisingly articulate Constantine lays out his position for the world to see. I’ll give the guy credit. He genuinely seemed interested and did an excellent job of communicating to Ashley. It’s too bad she had Bentley on the bangs and didn’t hear a word he said. I found that disrespectful, especially when Constantine quoted Ashley back to herself and it went unnoticed.

Note to all women: If a man takes the time to look you in the eye and patiently and honestly explain his feelings in addition to quoting back to you word for word something you previously said was important to you, he’s not only interested he’s worth a next date. Oblivious, Ashley nods knowingly for the cameras and then cites “evrythiiing tha happennned…” before giving false credit to Constantine while all the while being preoccupied with a guy that’s thousands of miles away—literally and figuratively--and can’t stand the sound of her name. She’s SO Phuk-ing stupid. Dude, Hester Prynne had better judgment.

Back at the house Ben F., Blake, and J.P. sit around in their complimentary V-necks. Ashley gives Constantine the “you’re not West and you tried today” rose—which he earned by the way--and he piggy backs her into the waves. Their attraction was as obvious as oil and water.

It was at this point that I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that Ashley has, for all intents and purposes, gone rogue on the Producers. Their plan to plant Bentley’s stupid ass into the mix worked so well it actually undermined the entire show. I pictured Bentley’s cell phone ringing at noon Thailand time and at 2 a.m. Salt Lake City time as he lifted some cocktail waitresses limp leg off of his groggy torso and fumbled for the phone before answering with an inquisitive “hello” as he shuffled out of the bedroom and made sure that Cozy was still—well, cozy—before shutting her bedroom door so she wouldn’t become uncozy.


“Yeah, who the hell is this?”

“You know who it is, Mother Phuk-er. It’s Chris Phuk-ing Harrison and I have a bone to pick with you.”

“Look, I’m a little busy right now and my double top secret contract obligations are fulfilled. What gives?”

“We’re sending the Bachelor-jette to pick you up in 24 hours. You’re going to undo the Phuk-ing mess you created. I’ve got places to be in L.A. for crying out loud. Do you think I want to sit here in Thailand and listen to Ashley whine in the rain about you? Be on that plane or I’ll be on you.” CLICK.

The Group Date kicks off and we see Ashley awaiting the arrival of the men in their brightly colored V-necks and board shorts sporting a red button down shirt knotted above the midriff and a pair of short denim shorts in a blue raincoat and rain boots holding an umbrella. She looked like a cross between Daisy Duke and the Gorton’s Fisherman. She manages to mention Bentley for the 100th time in this episode and I—like the rest of you—wished she would shut the Phuk up about it.

Ashley proceeds to break the news to the guys that the “date” is actually going to involve manual labor without any alcohol and the guys pretend to a.) be interested and, b.) like the whole damn thing was Ashley’s idea. Whatever. All of a sudden she’s Florence “Phuk-ing” Nightengale? I thought this b*tch was a dentist?

Realizing they have no choice, the guys work and Ryan entrepreneurs everyone into hating him. Incidentally, did anyone else appreciate the irony of Mr. I’m Going to Entrepreneur My Way into Saving the World sporting a Cuba t-shirt? How many Cuban entrepreneurs do you think exist in Cuba? What an idiot.

Ryan also attempts to boss Lucas around. Dear Ryan, let me give you some advice. I don’t care how pretty he is, it’s never a wise decision to tell anyone who makes a living in a West Texas oilfield how to do his job. I found myself wanting Lucas to smash his entrepreneurial teeth into his entrepreneurial face. I had no such luck.

In the meantime, Ben F. escapes Ryan’s obnoxiousness by capitalizing on the Producer’s idea to paint a mural with Ashley after adopting it for his own. Ashley’s five head gets repositioned behind her bang shield and she lauds Ben F. for “his” wonderful idea. At the end of the day, the ABC cameras are carefully positioned as the Thai kids from the ABC prop department arrive to see the miraculously renovated orphanage which, by the way, still had no air conditioning. Dude, F the purple paint and the murals. Throw in some A/C and those kids would have been happier than Ames at a Lady GaGa concert.

Oh, and another thing. That renovation was incredibly well crafted for just a few guys in girly t-shirts to carry out in a morning’s time. That was comparable to the incredible solo reformation of the dilapidated beach house by Noah Calhoun in the Notebook. It was just as fake too. I’m sure the union guys who actually did the work were holed up in some local hookah bar watching Harrison smoke some banana peels after licking some of those exotic frogs and doing body shots off underage Thai strippers. Now that’s what I call a happy ending.

At the after party Ashley sports a purple bikini poorly concealed behind a mesh fruit sack. Ben F. gives her the “I love kids” speech and earns an incredibly awkward series of kisses as Blake in what might have been an actual dentist shirt has the “you’re an obnoxious, overbearing, entrepreneurial peckerhead” talk with Ryan who reacts indignantly after consulting his Zig Ziglar and Dale Carnegie sales materials and not finding an entry in the Table of Context under “Overbearing Douchebag.” William weighs in but it’s clear that he’s abundantly happy to be off the hook this week. Suck it, Ryan.

Ryan lays it on thick and invents the word “physicalness” as Ashley seems to buy his entrepreneurial crap. She’s such a Phuk-ing dunce. Meanwhile, the guys do some math and calculate their odds as they drift ever closer to sounding like a group of women complaining about each other. What the hell is in the water in Thailand?

J.P. and Ashley get some alone time in the rain as she hems and haws by projecting her own insecurities onto J.P. as I rolled my eyes and sipped my latest Lone Star. Ashley remembers she “owes J.P. a really good one” because she hemmed and hawed by projecting her own insecurities onto him last episode as I rolled my eyes and sipped my latest Lone Star. Amen, Ashley.

J.P. woos Ashley and actually drops an “are you getting wet” before moving in for the big kiss. Are you kidding me? Take away the umbrella and the rain storm and that becomes an incredibly different inquiry, doesn’t it? Ryan sees the unrestricted display of affection and cries about it as the other guys search for a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” to shove down his entrepreneurial throat.

Back at the mansion, Constantine and Ames patiently await the arrival of Ames’ date card as Ames impatiently checks his hot pink watch. “It’s More Romantic in the Rain” the card reads and Ames is thrilled to learn that he’ll have a place to wear his white shorts. Mercifully, Ashley awards the date rose to Ben F. for his murals, love of children, and poor kisses as Ryan gets another speech from Blake in an attempt to restore “order and precision.”

And finally, we’re at the Ames Date.

Ashley awaits Ames in the wind in her patterned sarong with her matching umbrella and tank top as Ames skips forward in his royal blue pilot shirt and white shorts. How Phuk-ing gay did he look running toward her from the dock? For crying out loud, he might as well have been dressed like Cher. Oblivious, Ashley offers a cursory hug and sits down with Ames over a glass of apple juice as he regales her with stories about his prior visits to Phuket.

Ames tells Ashley that he’s been to Thailand alone two times before. He apparently went the first time to “find the mountains.” If by “mountains” he means 10 year old Asian boys, I believe him. He returned the second time for cooking classes. My guess is that he learned to prepare his favorite Thai dish, Sum Yung Dong. In fact, he liked it so much, he often enjoys it in America where it’s known simply as Smoked Pole.

An overly impressed Ashley ignores the obvious femininity in favor of pursuing a sea kayak ride after dropping the cliché Bachelorette line that Thailand is “the perfect place to fall in love.” Whatever. Ames refers to Ashley (or perhaps all women) as “uncharted territory” before mounting the banana-shaped sea kayak and gladly paddling it into a deep, dark cave. As Lincee Ray from www.ihategreenbeans.com would say, “that’s symbolism, people.” I’m certain Ames chose the rear entry as opposed to the front door.

We see Ashley’s wrist tattoo as she continues to be an unbearable pushover and mentions Bentley yet again. So pathetic. Ames continues to score date points as he appears shirtless on the shore and eats what looked like pieces of granite counter tops and respectfully listens to Ashley answer the “what are you looking for” question differently yet again.

Dinner time. Ames trades in his white shorts in favor of some white pants and Ashley does her best to match him—and the tablecloth—as they settle in for some more chit chat. Ashley seeks commonalities while asking thinly veiled questions in an attempt to justify Bentley’s behavior. Smart enough to realize what she’s doing and not dense enough to ruin the date, Ames does an excellent job of listening as Ashley again projects her own insecurities upon him in addition to peeing on her small town roots saying she’d like to raise her children in a bigger city. Has it occurred to anyone else at this point that Ashley has absolutely no idea what she wants out of a life, a mate, a career, or even a close homosexual friend like Ames?

In perhaps the most prophetic lines of the season to date, Ashley drops a “you’re different from the other guys” on Ames in addition to a “you’re funny too.” It was unclear if she meant “funny” ha ha or “funny” queer; however, that’s probably a distinction without a difference when it comes to Ames.

Ames puts the final nail in the rainbow covered coffin housing the last vestiges of his heterosexuality as he admits that there “is no list” of things he looks for in a woman. Granted, the list of what he looks for in a man is quite extensive, but that’s neither her nor there. Ames flatters his way to a rose and—as we’d soon learn—did enough to save himself this week.

All kidding aside, I’ve given Ames a difficult time this season. Frankly, I think he’s an overeducated, effeminate, silver spooner but he seems interesting and decent. He’s been an easy target for me, but I’ll give him credit for a solid date and a solid performance so far. He’s been consistent, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of the guys. Besides, I’m confident Ames has had enough fun poked at him from behind his back. Hell, if those white shorts would have been as short as Emily’s I might be calling the guy. Like Constantine, he earned a rose. Granted, Ashley is an easier push over than a hobo on the steps of a liquor store, but that’s not his choice. If someone throws you a softball, you hit it out of the park. Nice job, Ames.

Cocktail party time. I was thankful to hear that Bentley didn’t Phuk up this week’s cocktail party and I’m certain the remaining guys were too. Ashley appears in a gold sparkly short dress. Frankly, she looked good, but I’m certain that’s because for the first time this episode she was dry and adequately make-uped.

Ashley meets with West and we realize that he’s on the chopping block as she projects her own insecurities toward him and his beige suit. Despite the presence of his white What Would Chris Harrison Do bracelet, we realize that things are headed South for West. Despite the fact that his odds of sticking around were North of 90%, I was confident he’d soon be headed East back to the U.S.

Ashley also projects her rampant insecurities onto Lucas before referring to him as “a Southern Gentlemen” despite the fact that Texas is not technically in The South. Odessa, Texas is closer to Los Angeles, California than it is to Atlanta, Georgia. Notwithstanding that distinction, I officially wanted to smack the bangs from Ashley’s insecure head. Incidentally, she’s a textbook female child of an alcoholic father. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Where is Dr. Jamie when you actually need him? Perhaps Brad should have chosen her after all.

Ryan proceeds to out-William William by entreprenuring himself into a firm position as the President of Asshole, Inc. Blake attempts to restore precision and order by having a manly talk with Ryan by letting him know he’s an idiot. Predictably, Ryan goes into denial and attempts to smile his way out of a situation he’s likely been involved in more than once in his life before. I’ll give Blake credit for being the guy to pull him aside. Regardless of what his motivation may have been having that conversation was tantamount to pulling teeth. Perhaps that’s why he was selected.

As if sent from above, Harrison arrives to deal with the shell that used to be Ashley and attempts to mop up the mess unintentionally created by the powers that be at ABC. In a horribly painful interview of edited sound bites we get a glimpse of how far off the reservation that Ashley has actually wandered. Frankly, I don’t know how Harrison didn’t laugh in her face . . . or cry in it for that matter. Even his charms couldn’t turn her and was clear to all of us that drastic measures were appropriate.

Ashley whines some more about Bentley and proves to Harrison that she’s retreated further into insecurity and indecisiveness by requesting an extra rose at the ceremony in order to keep an extra guy around for a bit. Harrison instructs an intern to head to the cooler housed just beyond the Lair of Seclusion and grab another rose. If they added any more Ames was likely to lunge forward and craft them into an arrangement. Incidentally, I once found myself attracted to a woman who was a florist. I asked her out but she said she’d already made other arrangements.

The Rose Ceremony finally goes down as follows:

1. Ben F.
2. Constantine
3. Ames
4. Lucas
5. Ryan
6. J.P.
7. Nick
8. Mickey
9. Blake
10. William
11. Ben C.


1. West

The after show footage featured Nick at the pool finally getting a chance to show off his physique. Look Nick, showing fat girls and brides-to-be how to do sit ups on that giant rubber ball or kettle bell curls while standing on that giant half a rubber ball is bitchin’, but personal training doesn’t pay off dental school loans. Enjoy your camera time but don’t expect to be there in the end.

Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at a reinvigorated 50, the Journey count at a stagnant 9, and with Thailand in the Phu-king background we head into Episode 5. Have a great week and keep the comments and coming. I’m working on a prize for last week’s contest and I’ll announce the winner in my next post along with the prize. Until next week, if you need me I’ll be . . . oh, nevermind. Phuket. DP


  1. amazing title, couldn't have said it better! Lass

  2. DP...great as usual. Loved the Sling Blade reference.
    Paula K

  3. No mention about Ames' past long-term relationship?! He never specifically said if it was a man or woman he had met in that shoe store...

  4. the comment about single girls and periods instead of spotting had me howling! You are on fire my friend!

  5. Solid. Look, I didn't mention the shoe store because it was an obvious dig. I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of it. DP

  6. DP -

    New fan here. You are incredibly funny!!! Can't even tell you how many times you had me laughing outloud! :-D

    Thanks for your post!!

    Some gal in Boerne, Texas

  7. Quick question, DP. What is the definition of a "textbook female child of an alcoholic father?" Love your blog. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  8. Theresa,

    ...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

    ...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

    ...judge themselves without mercy.

    ...have difficulty having fun.

    ...take themselves very seriously.

    ...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

    ...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

    ...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

    ...feel that they are different from other people.

    Textbook. Not ALL but a lot. DP

  9. "...Ryan entrepreneurs everyone into hating him."

    killed me. love it.

  10. SO wanted Ames to say, "Yeah, we both like boys!", when Ashley mentioned that they had something in common.

    Also, when Lucas after talking about his divorce, said, "I'm a guy who never gives up. I mean NEVER.", my mind added, "except that one time, you know, on my marriage."

    Maybe ABC got a discount on the Thailand trip since it's obviously monsoon season.

    What a Phuk'ing bore this season is....thanks DP for continuing to take one for the team.


  11. All right.... you had me crying on this one! I had to push back from my computer when I got to the Sum Yung Dong comment. Oh my word, you are too too good!

  12. Even though Ames might bat for the other team, he sure smiled a lot on his dinner date with Ashley -probably cause he could see Ashley's Phu-ket! Just how short was that white skirt -geez!

    Sal in Utah

  13. The Asian guy from the Jabberwockeez appears...

    Great blog this week. And every week.

    OK Cairns

  14. I'm only watching the show so I can read your blog! Thanks!

  15. Hmmm. I doubt that the boat guy was speaking Taiwanese because they certainly weren't in Taiwan. I'd guess Thai, maybe Lao? Certainly a more understandable mistake than Constantine suggesting that they set off to find the ugliest Hawaiian shirts. Anyhow...

    This week was only slightly more bearable than last. It's nice to see the thread start to loosen. Soon some of them will start to unravel: Ashley with her insecurity. JP with his jealousy. Ryan with his underlying crazy. Is that guy Bipolar or what?

    The surprising high point of the show was Ames. I was really impressed. I laughed out loud a few times. He was charming, funny, looked great and dare I say came across as neither gay or effeminate just nerdy and quirky. Consider my mind changed. He just might be my new fav!

  16. Thank you so much for the Scarlet Letter reference. Loved it all, as usual!

  17. Awesome thank you again for the post. Personal favorite was the last whitty comment about the florist had made other arrangments. And thanks for listing the text book girl with alcoholic father... I was wondering too. I hope to find you a picture of Pippa in Emilys white shorts.

    - Post It Girl

  18. So many well wishes. I may need to clarify some of my assessments however. Keep the comments coming! DP

  19. This week's episode was so boring that frankly I don't care in the least who won. If it hadn't been for Ames date the whole thing would have been a wash. Instead, some friends and I held a "formerly hot women of 70's and 80's TV" draft. We ended up with 3 diverse teams
    Team JV : erin grey, linda carter, cheryl ladd, mary anne, pinky tuscadero, marcia brady, susan lucci
    Team JM : jaclyn smith, catherne bach, kate jackson, agent 99, donna reed, victoria principal, candace bergen
    Team BJ : heather thomas, heather locklear, patricia macpherson, tanya roberts, donna douglas, pamela sue martin, cybill shepherd


    Thanks for the recap which is better than the show,


  20. Nice job, Viscosity. However, what about Suzanne Somers, Farah Fawcett, Valerie Bertinelli, Blare from Facts of Life, and the hot sister from Too Close for Comfort?

  21. dp - farrah was considered but rejected for what happened after the 80's. It's fair to say there were some questionable drafts - marcia brady, pinkie, candace bergen and susan lucci primarily, but we were working under strict time constraints so it wasn't as easy as it looks. Perhaps the bigggest upset was Kate Jackson being drafted in the 3rd round, but that's what makes a market. My wife by the way doesn't understand why erin grey was first draft. Maybe she's never watched buck rogers. Perhaps we should have a previous batchelor/ette draft?


  22. "If someone throws you a softball, you hit it out of the park. Nice job, Ames."

    Frankly, I get the feeling that balls of any type that comes Ames' way, hard or soft, no question he's hitting that. When Ashley asked him what he looks for in a woman, I literally said, out loud, to my screen "Duh, a penis." I like him, and I liked that there was actually something resembling a normal conversation between Ashley and him (rather than the incessant yammering about "journeys" and "opening up" we typically get on this show), but if we're honest, he'd just as soon nail Harrison and shop for purses with Ashley.

  23. Favorite line: "She looked like a cross between Daisy Duke and the Gorton’s Fisherman." That line caught me off guard and actually spit water all over my desk because I laughed out loud!

    Second favorite: "My guess is that he learned to prepare his favorite Thai dish, Sum Yung Dong. In fact, he liked it so much, he often enjoys it in America where it’s known simply as Smoked Pole." Priceless.

    And my third favorite: "Regardless of what his motivation may have been having that conversation was tantamount to pulling teeth. Perhaps that’s why he was selected." Ah, dentist jokes.

    Another job well done, DP!

  24. Kiley, solid comment. Nail Harrison and shop for purses. Nice work. Jessica, props for appreciating the subtlety of the dentist joke. DP

  25. Oh, and Viscosity, I'm right there with you on Erin Gray. Please educate your wife with respect to that tight white "uniform" she used to run around in on that show. Oh, the be Gil Gerrard for one day...

  26. Hi DP! I have to agree with you on Ames, but me and the boys just adore him. However, there is just something about that little Lucas and his rugged looks that just drives me wild. He makes me think of you in that cute little cowboy hat you wear in your blog pic. Oh well, just like DP, forbidden fruit! As always, Some Guy, your post was magnificent this week. You're the best!

    Oh, by the way, Viscosity....loved your comment on the formerly hottest women on TV from the 70's and 80's. I came up with a few men of my own:
    Patrick Duffy from Dallas
    John Ritter from Three's Company
    That Monroe guy from Too Close for Comfort
    Isaac from The Love Boat
    ...call me crazy, but Isaac was cute.

    Anyway, I would love to hear who all the girls think were the hottest men on TV from the 70's and 80's..??

    Love and laughs,

  27. @Derek - Ted Shackleford!! Nuff said, lol!


  28. LOL Dianne....Bobby's older brother from Knott's Landing. You go girl!!! ;)

  29. I laughed outloud over and over again as I read your hilarious blog. After watching Monday night's terrible show, it was the only thing to look forward to since I cannot get back those 90 minutes of my life. At least it was only 90 minutes, thanks to my DVR. Ashley is a dumbass! I cannot stand her! She was warned about Bentley. Get over it! How dumb can you be?! I hope he comes on the next show, spits in her face and tells her how dumb she really is. Thanks for your hilarious comments!! Loved it!
    Oh and hottest men from the '70's and '80's, I'll go with Kirk Cameron, Ricky Schroeder, and that really hot guy who was on the short-lived show Rags to Riches. Not sure of his actual name but I'll do some investigating.

  30. Deep, dark cave...symbolism...Zig Ziglar. Being from the world of real estate, I appreciated that last one.
    PS I thought Scott Baio was hot.

  31. parker stevenson and sean cassidy from "the hardy boys"


  32. I truly enjoyed this post. DP you are one of a kind.

    Cable television $60
    Case of Lone Star $35
    DP's column the next day Priceless

    Thanks for making my day so much better. I just keep smiling when I remember all of the Ames comments.
    Debbie in Selma, TX

  33. I tried to watch on Hulu, but I simply can't stand looking at or listening to Ashley any longer. I laughed my phuk-ing ass off at this entire blog though. Favorites were the entire paragraph on West...the Gorton's fisherman remark and Harrison's call to Bentley. Good stuff!

    Viscosity ~ why didn't Donna Mills make the cut? She was gorgeous back in the day!

    still reading...just not watching,

  34. Right you are, Derek! Now, HE was dreamy!!


  35. The only show that needs to be filmed in Phuket is Bachelor Pad 2! Clearly who ever cast this season will win an award for bringing the most possible drama to the table.


  36. Can I throw a musician on the list? Lincee's blog the other day completely reinvigorated my love for Jon Bon Jovi. MEOW.

  37. Some Guy, you are en fuego this week!! You had me going from the title of the blog. Thanks for making this horrendous season a little more palatable. Bachelor Pad 2 is going to be completely impossible for me to watch with Vienna and the D-bag from Denton. I'll be sure to tune in here every Tuesday :)

    I agree with Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder...how about Lorenzo Lamas? I always kind of enjoyed him (and his miniscule ties to the Bachelor, of course).

  38. Laughed - She looked like a cross between Daisy Duke and the Gorton’s Fisherman.

    Stopped breathing - Ames puts the final nail in the rainbow covered coffin housing the last vestiges of his heterosexuality as he admits that there “is no list” of things he looks for in a woman.

    ..and Scott Baio.

    TLew ~ Nashville

  39. As soon as Ashley A-bear came on the screen in those I-wish-I-was-Emily-Maynard-too white shorts, I told my girls, "Some Guy is going to have a heyday with those shorts..." Thanks for backing me up there.

  40. I was wondering if Daisy Duke was in charge of wardrobe, and a little bit of Mary Ann from Gilligan's. Ames could be a stand in when Nate Berkus is on vacation.

    I had a crush on Gopher. I never understood why Dr Bricker got all the ladies. My true love was Officer John Baker! My oh my.

  41. DP, always great! You did sound a little cranky this week and I know it's because this show is SOOOO stupid this year! But we do appreciate your time and effort into making our lives better every week. (-;

    Ames seems like a nice enough guy...but why didn't you comment on the whole "We didn't kiss but we connected on a deeper level?" comment. What was that all about???? Kim in Nevada

    I thought Kirk Cameron was the cutest person ever, oh and I have to agree that Jon Bon Jovi was hot and thanks to Lincee I have been reminded just how hot he still is!

  42. Ames reminds me of the gay friend in Clueless. I hope Ashley keeps him around, if for nothing other than wardrobe advice. I haven't read any of the spoilers yet but I really, really, really hope Bentley gets cast for BP2.

  43. DP, I could not help but think of you while watching the Ames segment, imagining how much fun you would have with it! You did not disappoint and your line about (almost) lusting after him in the white shorts was just too damn funny.

    As for phuked up Ashley? She does not appear to have chemistry with anyone (JP is a possible exception) and remains ridiculously stuck on the narcissist in Utah. (Loved your imaginary chat between Bentley and Harrison.) I expect her to pull a Womack, selecting no one, which is probably best for her AND the remaining guys. I only hope that ABC picks up the bill for the therapy she so desperately needs.

  44. DP-Great Blog as usual, I actually missed the show because I was visiting my dad in the hospital but all along I knew you'd catch me up. Thanks for the laughs even though it sounds like it was pretty painful to watch.

    One hot guy in my book will always be Rob Lowe & Jon Bon Jovi is just sizzlin.

    On a side note I'll be flying through Dallas in July & all I can think about is the fact that I can finally try some Lone Star beer(hopefully they have it in the airport!)


  45. Ohh DP, this might be your best yet. So brilliant!
    I can't list all my favorite lines because it would be too long. Off the top of my head...Obi Wan Kenobi sweater, bang shield (this one was awesome), Thai kids from the ABC prop department, the dark cave, and Ames' Thai dish. Dennis, you were definitely on fire this week but I have to say, the florist joke was pitiful :).
    I also have to put my two cents in about Ashley's spray tan. I couldn't stop staring at her lily white hands while she was with Ames and wonder why her airbrush person started at wrist level. Maybe it's just me ;) I know guys don't notice these kinds of things...
    Oh, and I noticed the Cuba shirt as well.
    My vote for the hottest guy from the 70's/80's is definitely Ponyboy Curtis!

  46. I got chills, they're multiplyIn' and I'm losin' control
    Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'

    John Travolta from the 80s with his chin dimple and killer smile ...he's the one that I want. Oooooh. Ooooh honey. The one that I want.

    Also had a huge crush on Patrick Duffy from Dallas and the leading man From I Dream of Jeannie. And the Bionic Man

    Thanks to DP and everyone who contibutes to this heeefreakinlarious blog!! Derek and the boys in South Beach- your comments always crack me up so keep chiming in.

  47. The Cuba shirt - I definitely noticed it! People are so strange.

    I seriously can't believe Ashley talked to the other guys about Bentley as much as she did. If I were them. I'd RUN!

  48. I'm hot on her tail..I mean trail. Was at the same bar as Prince Harry last week, I must be on the right track. Will keep you posted dot.dot.dot.
    -Texas/London Lauren

  49. Lauren, leave it to a fellow texan to get it done! Thanks for caring. I hope all is well over there. Stay in touch and don't lose your accent! DP

  50. Thanks Texas Tea! That was so sweet of you to say! Me and the boys took a quick road trip last night to Tampa and visited one of our hot spots at the Rainbow Room Club. After a few cosmos we started to talk a little bit about who we had TV crushes on in the 70's and 80's. Here's a few more to add to the list:
    Dirk Benedict from the A-Team
    Erik Estrada from Chips
    Ted McGinley from Married With Children
    Rico Tubbs(don't know his real name) Miami Vice


  51. Eric Estrada - so funny. I remember thinking he was cute back in the day.

  52. Did anyone else think Ryan seemed to be more bipolar than normal this week? His constant smiling was more creepy than usual plus I feel like he is trying to hide a small anger issue...remind you of any previous bachelor and possibly foreshadowing the next bachelor?
    You know what they say, "street angel and house devil".

  53. Hey Derek, Maybe next time you and the boys sip some cosmos, you can come up with a list of movie star hotties from the same era? And from the 1980's world of law/politics/journalism, let's not forget hunky JFK Jr.

  54. Ames's second favourite dish Sum Yung Guy. Just sayin....

  55. Hey there dp2! Me and the boys always love your posts. It's a bet!! Me and the boy will do our best not to disappoint. Sounds like a great idea.

    You take care girlfriend.

    Love and laughs,

  56. Derek, You and the boys are great; I especially enjoy your flirting with DP, though I'm not sure how HE feels about it! I look forward to your movie star hotties and the distaff list from DP, MH and the guys. Have a great weekend!

  57. oh dp. we all live through monday nights so we can commiserate on tuesdays with you. thanks for hanging tough through this godawful season. we all appreciate it.