Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bachelorette Recap Episode 3: The Blind Leading the Bland

Hello, Readers, and welcome back to week three of our favorite way to torture ourselves. I swear if this show gets anymore painful to watch, I’ll have to take Novocain shots between Lone Star beers in order to get through it. With 15 guys left we head into Episode three of what proved to be a big downer for everyone except the Vegas odds makers who had Bentley gone inside of three shows. Despite the dismal start, I hung in there for the sake of the blog. I hope I don’t disappoint.

Before I get started, I’d like to send two shouts out this week. The first goes to my loyal reader and a 100% Meet and Greet attendee, Liana, in Houston, Texas. Not only does she send me a lovely weekly email filled with glowing comments about the blog, this week she had the courtesy to send me an article complete with pictures of Pippa Middleton running a triathlon. Bless you, Liana.

The second shout out goes to a long time loyal reader, Laura in New York. Laura was one of the first fans to ever send me an email when I enabled the feature on the blog a long time ago. She’s also communicated the fact that she has a genuine fear of stuffed animal heads mounted on walls. As odd as that is, she’s hung in there with me through thick and thin—including personal tragedy—and she always makes me smile when she sends a message. I know it’s overdue, Laura, but thank you. With that done, let’s get to it.

This week’s lead-in wasted no time. Mask removals, lewd jokes about Ashley, and the none-too-soon departure of this season’s evildoer, Bentley, were all in store for us as we settled in after the Esteban music faded out and the sound of Harrison summoning the remaining 15 possible Mr. Ashley Herbert’s echoed joyfully through out our respective living rooms.

Sporting pastel colored t-shirts and warm up pants like a bunch of sorority girls getting ready for a pillow fight, the “men” assemble in the sunken living room as Harrison in his nautically themed sweater and wind blown hair commences the dropping of the date card.

What was up with Harrison’s outfit and hair? He looked like he’d just taken second place in the Third Annual I’m Cooler Than You Regatta off Catalina Island. I’ve got some coxswain jokes lined up, but in the interest of brevity and continuity, I’ll get to them later if I have time.

“Love Strikes in a Flash,” the date card reads and we find out the Ben C., the lawyer from The Big Easy via France, is the big winner. Realizing he was French I wondered if the not-so-subtle Blitzkrieg allusion in the date card would force him to surrender. Luckily, it didn’t and for the first time in recorded history there existed a French hero. Perhaps if things work out well, he’ll get tapped to head the IMF. Apparently, the other French guy who had that job got into a bit of trouble in New York and won’t be returning to work for another forty years—give or take. I digress.

Alright, I know I’m giving the French a hard time this entry. Relax. I’ll focus on another nationality eventually. It’s so difficult to lay off those jokes, however. The French are such an easy target. If you don’t believe me just as the Germans. Back to the show.

Ashley dons her off-the-shoulder magenta shawl-like top (Emily wore that color so much better last season) and her skin tight white Bee Gees pants and heads off from “her” house in “her” Maserati to pick up Ben C. and his black v-neck sweater. She pretends her date with Mickey (the suitor, not the mouse) was fun last week as if we’re all too stupid to remember that she flipped a coin to determine his fate. I suppose she had to say something on the drive over. Ashley mingles with the men a bit before putting Ben C. in his big boy seat and driving him off to be emasculated in broad daylight.

Incidentally, is Ashley the only one covered under ABC’s season-long insurance policy on the Maserati? For crying out loud, when is one of these guys going to be a man and insist on driving? Look, I’m all for equal treatment and all that, but these are first dates. As my high school basketball coach used to say, “let’s show some sack, men.”

Unfortunately for Ben C., he doesn’t have an opportunity to use his sack much less show it off because Ashley takes him immediately to a dance studio and proceeds to teach him a few eight counts. She let’s us know that she’s been working with something called Flash Mob, which is apparently a bunch of weirdoes who meet in a park in order to spontaneously break out in dance. It’s like West Side Story without the singing and the switchblades. Whatever.

Ashley plans on teaching Ben C. the routine in the studio before forcing him to humiliate himself after his emasculation by performing it with her in the park with 100 ABC extras who couldn’t get work as hospital patrons on Grey’s Anatomy or dead bodies on CSI. Flash mobs? Eight counts? Say it with me---I thought this b*tch was a dentist.

I gotta tell you, I cannot for the life of me recall the last time a girl picked me up at my house in her sports car after asking me out and then spirited me all over town in order to teach me a super fun dance routine and making me perform it in the middle of a public park her so she could decide if I did enough to earn the right to not get kicked out of my room so she could maybe ask me out again.

Ten bucks says Ben was sending “OMG, ur never gonna believe this” texts to his Mansion BFF, Ames, from the bathroom. He was probably sorry he went and bought that Banana Republic v-neck especially for that date. Hopefully, he wasn’t too optimistic and left the tag on it so he could totally take it back the next day so he could use the money to buy that cute pair of shoes he’s had his eye on for some time now. Brutal.

To add insult to injury, the park where she takes Ben is adorned with homoerotic statues not unlike the one in Chantal’s father’s study where her dad shared a hug and a Merlot with Brad Womack last season. They perform their stupid dance to a stupid song about a G6 before the “band” who “sings” the G6 song moves their equipment from their mother’s garage in order to perform another song I’d never heard of in the park.

Dancing in the park? I suppose the alternative is to have him dress in scrubs like a fake dental assistant and follow her around her fake dentistry office while she fake dentists or whatever. Wouldn’t it have been a riot if after the Flashdance thing in the park that she made Ben C. stick around and watch as she gave complimentary teeth whitening treatments to the Far East Movement? Annnyyyyhooo . . .

Was it me or did the Far East Movement guys look a hell of a lot like last week’s Jabberwockeez guys? Who knew they moonlighted? They sucked by the way, and I was thrilled more than Ben C. when that disaster was over.

Ben and Ashley have dinner and the only eventful things about it were the dress she borrowed from Tina Turner, Ben’s purple shirt, tan slacks, and blue blazer that made him look like he’d just competed in a shuffleboard tournament on the Lido Deck before freshening up in his cabin and hitting the Copacabana Club on the third level for a cocktail, and Ben doing is nervous talking Lloyd Dobbler impression (Google it). Ultimately, he earned the hell out of a rose. I’ll give the French guy credit for making flaky croissants out of some pretty lumpy dough. Nice job, Ben C.

Back at the MAN-sion the Group Date Card gets dropped and I have to admit that for the first time in the history of this show, I wished I was on it. More about that in a bit. We learn that Ames—before I get to the others let me say that I can no longer hear that Adele song without picturing Ames prancing around as I described him last week. Ironically, I’m the victim of my own stupid joke. However, remember that you can’t spell “Flames” without “Ames.” Back to the Group Date.

Ames, Constantine’s younger brother Ben F., Boring Blake, Weird Jeff, Silent Lucas, Curly Nick, Solar Ryan, Soon-to-be persona non grata William, Big Bad Bentley, and Dull Chris get selected for this week’s c*ck block tournament, but before we begin, there’s the nagging matter of Jeff’s mask.

ABC resets its tired Phantom of the Opera allusion by putting Jeff in an upper balcony window and playing the organ music as Ashley pulls up in the giant stretch Hummer. It would have been more interesting if Jeff would have played with his organ while wearing the mask.

Ashley enters the sunken living room in her Olivia Newton John pants and proceeds to mingle. For some reason, Ben F. has a gray suit and black tie on and Blake the real dentist is sporting what looks like his younger, smaller brother’s vest and oxford. Before the men can make a move Jeff suggests a one-on-one conversation so he can remove that stupid, overplayed mask. Before they talk Jeff characterizes the wearing of the mask as a “life changing experience.” Life changing? Something tells me that this guy was subject to ridicule and isolation prior to donning that mask, but what do I know?

Ashley looked so over the mask that Jeff’s speech fell on completely deaf ears if you don’t include the hawk and the squirrel that were featured in that segment. Odd, wasn’t it? With the mask removed and Ashley sufficiently underwhelmed we realize that Jeff is well on his way back to the opera house. In fact, they should have given him a minute to check in for his flight before leaving for the group date. Being rushed at the airport is such a hassle. In light of today’s stringent TSA requirements, he’d undoubtedly be required to check the mask prior to boarding.

As the group sips mimosas from champagne flutes (let’s show some sack, men) they soon realize that The Comedy Store is their destination. Unfortunately, they all seem terrified at the prospect of writing their own jokes and performing in front of a captive audience full of ABC employee’s relatives and a few trashy chicks that the ABC interns talked from the Viper Room back to their 1 bedroom apartment in exchange for a chance to be on the show. Well, everyone but William; but as is the case in any reality show, overconfidence is always the beginning of the end.

Before Roast Master Jeff Ross sets up the Ashley Roast, Ames (insert Adele song playing unobtrusively yet recognizably in the background here) tells us that in addition to not being able to dance or sing he’s also incapable of being funny. Boy, what a catch. Aside from going to Ivy League schools and traveling, what is the guy good at? I’d be willing to bet that Derek and the Boys from South Beach could take a guess or two.

With any luck, Ashley will take the next group date to march in the L.A. Gay Pride Parade. Ames would be well suited to march in honor of all the gay men who were there before him and, of course, the many men who will eventually come behind him.

By the way, that last joke had me laughing hysterically at myself. I’m Money. Moving on . . . .

As the men scratch indiscriminately on their notepads I couldn’t help but think of how I would have handled this date. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could be more up my alley than an opportunity like this. Hell, I should have been tapped to host the thing. At any rate, the guys struggle for material as Blake the boring dentist redeems himself by being the only one with a viable strategy. Remember that “precision and order” thing he has going? It paid off here . . . sort of. For the record, I would have started with “Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.” You know, as an icebreaker. Back to the show.

The editors set up William as the next jackass and as the roast starts I couldn’t help but do my best Lincee Ray from www.ihategreenbeans.com impression by cringing behind my throw pillow.

I wish I could say something redeeming about any of the material. If I had to pick a winner, I’d say that Blake (surprisingly), Ben F., and Nick had the best of the worst material. What a bunch of stiffs. Small boobs and Brad Womack’s leftovers seemed to be the topics of the day. Man, that was weak and painful. Of course, William dropped the “E” word and the Fivehead reappeared from behind the fragile facade of bangs as Ashley quickly regressed from the confident ABC-trained and prepared Bachelorette into the blithering mess of insecurity that’s defined all of her past relationships.

Come to think of it, let’s have a contest this week. Post your best (and brief) Ashley Roast insult in the comment section. I’ll pick a big winner and announce the prize next week. Let’s keep them fit for prime time TV, but feel free to get creative. Good luck.

Ever the opportunist, Bentley takes advantage of the lack of sack exhibited by the rest of the “men” and comforts Ashley. How did no one else get the hint? How did William not rush over to apologize? I’ll gloss over the rest of this fiasco in the interest of my own sanity.

William cries and feels bad. Ashley melts down. William wanders aimlessly amongst the streets of West Hollywood and probably went dancing with Ames for a bit before returning to the wake. Ashley’s smoky eyes go away, then reappear, then go away, then reappear as she rejoins the poolside wake after listening to Jeff tell a story about a three legged abused dog he adopted. Solar Ryan earns some points by dropping “what can I do,” and the Esteban music eventually returns letting us know that the show will go on while back at the MAN-sion we learn that J.P. anachronistically gets the “There’s No Place Like Home” date that was undoubtedly re-planned after the Ashley meltdown.

Bentley and Ashley have a one-on-one as we learn that Crazy Michelle is the infamous tipster as Bentley quickly makes mince meat out of Ashley’s poor intuition convincing her that he’s there for her. Ashley pushes Womack one step closer to obscurity by admitting her feelings for Bentley are stronger than they were for Brad. FINALLY, Ryan gets the date rose by default proving that sometimes it pays to be an innocuous bore.

After the date that was more painful than the one with Womack where Chantal and Ashley both melted down after drinking a gallon of the green trashcan Bachelorette crazy juice by the pool, Ashley retreats to “her” mansion to brood amongst the stepping stones in her Annette Funicello outfit. She wallows in self-pity while woefully replaying her insecurities over in her mind and posing rhetorical questions to the camera crew.

Simultaneously, Bentley ramps up in order to earn his top secret, Producer endorsed paycheck for the season. He positions himself as a giant misogynist, fixes his hair, calls the guys “tools” and “idiots,” and then hides behind the “I miss my daughter” excuse before heading over to break Ashley’s innocent (albeit stupid) heart.

Speaking of showing some sack, I was incredibly disappointed that Bentley had the stones to talk a big game in the isolation booth but not the courage to come clean with the guys or with Ashley. We call that a coward where I’m from.

The entire thing reminded me of a Chris Knight song entitled “Hard Edges.” The lyric goes, “Hard edges hide a tender heart/ Silent as a midnight prayer/ Hard edges hide the sweetest part/ ‘til you’d never know it’s there.” On second thought, that doesn’t apply. He’s simply an a-hole. Regardless, download that song if you get the chance. Chris Knight is to song writing what Bentley is to being a douche and Ashley is to being insecure.

I won’t belabor the point, but here’s my take on this guy. He’s truly a jackass, but he’s not an unassisted jackass. Anyone who has been around the production of a television show or a commercial or anything that will make it on to television knows that everything that makes it on to the screen is meticulously and deliberately planned. The footage we see is two hours of literally days worth of film that is boiled down to tell a story. Lines are fed, repeated, and carefully placed in order to set everything up. Bentley was a cog in a much bigger wheel and I believe it almost blew up in the Producers’ face this week. There’s no question Bentley is a jerk, but he was placed on the show by even bigger jerks.

Bentley arrives to interrupt Ashley’s brooding session and lets her down with the “I miss my daughter” story before dropping an “it’s annoying to hold a girl who’s crying.” It’s amazing this guy is divorced, isn’t it? Man, this isn’t good for men, I thought as Ashley gives Bentley a leg wrap hug in spite of his departure. I then thought, man, this isn’t good for women either. The entire thing was pathetic.

Ashley ignored the truth and she paid for it. I hate to say it, ladies, but she’s just as responsible as he is. As Bentley leaves, Ashley retreats to the comfort of her purple comforter and cries hysterically while posing rhetorical questions to the camera crew as Bentley makes his way to the minivan and it rains on cue . . . aaaannnd scene.

They leave things with a “dot, dot, dot instead of a period” and as I washed down the puke in my throat with a pull from a cold Lone Star I actually wondered if Ashley would continue to film. It was at this point I knew that he red briefcase phone handcuffed to Harrison’s assistant rang in some topless bar on the outskirts of L.A. as Harrison was summoned to clean up the results of the perfectly executed but entirely too effective Producer’s bad guy plan of the season.

Proving that she’s resourceful when she’s sad, Ashley dons her Olivia Newton John pants and lights thousands of carefully placed candles around the house before making a giant fire and brooding into it as the rains depart and the full moon emerges as if it was a trusted friend seeking to comfort Ashley in the arms of its light. Either that or it was just some stock footage that was thrown into the mix to make the show more dramatic. Either way, Ashley continued to brood.

J.P. (remember him?) unwittingly arrives for his date after instructing the minivan driver to swing by Von's Grocery Store for some flowers. Poor guy. He’s been waiting for some alone time for three weeks now and all he gets is a cab ride over to a rented house to hang out with a puffy-eyed, distracted, jaded, confused, emotional, fun-sponging, dejected, insecure mess amidst her 1000 candles and giant fire. I’m surprised there was enough oxygen to breath in that room. Booooooring.

J.P. seems normal, sincere, and did I mention normal? He’s a bit flaky and he looks like Lance Armstrong immediately following his cancer treatment, but he’s definitely one of the more decent guys in the mix. He’s not annoying and entrepreneury like the solar guy, has a better haircut than Constantine and his twin Ben F., and has more personality than Lucas, Blake, and Chris put together. He’s as safe as first base and she recognizes that.

After whining over some wine (or is it wine-ing over some whine?), Ashley says that she feels like putting on her PJ’s and getting Cozy and Comfy. I was surprised J.P. didn’t wonder aloud what any of this had to do with Bentley’s daughter. And who is “Comfy,” Bentley’s niece?

After 100 apologies from Ashley for sucking all of the fun out of the room, J.P. earns a quick Safety Rose and out kisses Bentley. Nice job making something from a big fat bunch of nothing, J.P. Ashley owes you big for taking that one on the chin with a smile. We’re talking Fantasy Suite big, if you know what I mean.

Ashley shows up begrudgingly to the cocktail party dressed like a baked potato and sporting a giant bedazzled necklace. Her smoky eyes make another appearance as she retires to the Lair of Seclusion where the incredibly sympathetic Producers have chosen to leave Bentley’s picture in full view.

As she broods and reflects, Harrison arrives back at the mansion after fielding the “Get her back on the grid, Harrison” phone call and proceeds to scare the hell out of her by sneaking up behind her.

Let me pause here for a moment to recognize the wonder that is Chris Harrison. We all know at this point that he could not care less about the majority of his duties on this show. He’s been phoning in the morning mansion visits for two seasons now, but we know he lives for the one-on-ones. What followed was perhaps the most classic since he handed Roz her ass on the ATFR show when she tried to call him out for hitting on some dude’s wife after that fat guy with the leather hat helped her pack her s*it and leave the mansion.

Harrison starts by listening but quickly turns the screws realizing he’s getting nowhere with Ashley’s wishy washy insecure babble. Frankly, he should have led with “I told you so” but, as is his custom, he went a softer route. After some more subtle tries to get her to re-engage, Harrison decides to simply throw her back up in the air like Maverick in Top Gun after he got caught in Iceman’s jet wash and Goose died.

Clearly toeing the “I work for the people who set you up” and “I’m a decent guy who doesn’t like to see you deliberately hurt” line, Harrison reminds Ashley that they discussed this in the pre-production meetings and she was on board with having Bentley show up. That doesn’t work.

Harrison then goes with the “he’s not even a real man because a real man would have moved Heaven and Earth to stay here” speech. That doesn’t work.

Finally, Harrison reminds her that 14 guys (and millions of dollars worth of equipment and union paid employees) have been waiting for her to make up her damn mind for hours without the comfort of alcohol and Esteban music. “Suck it up, Ashley,” should have been his mantra. Again, Harrison takes a less direct, yet just as effective route.

Finally, the rose ceremony sans cocktail party begins. It went down as follows:

Roses were given to:

1. Ben C.
2. J.P.
3. Solar Ryan
4. Constantine (Ben’s twin, not the emperor)
5. West (the suitor, not the direction)
6. Mickey (the suitor, not the mouse)
7. Ben F.
8. Blake (the real dentist)
9. Nick (the suitor, not the shaving injury)
10. Gay-mes
11. Lucas (the Texan, not a statue in the corner)
12. William (dude sweated it out but dodged a bullet. She’s an idiot)

Sent packing

1. Jeff and his mask which he quickly burned
2. Chris

There you have it. With the Journey count at a comparatively meager 7 and the Amazing count at a stagnant 38 we head to Phuket, Thailand next week for more love and romance. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sitting fireside crying in my pajamas working on my Phuket jokes. DP


  1. Looove the Ames comments! This show is so painful :( Before I even got to your roast contest, I thought that you should essentially do the sane thing. I'd love to see what your out-of-the-ballpark roast would have consisted of. Incidentally, I saw the Roastmaster a year or so ago and we were right in front. He complimented my boobs and invited my boyfriend on stage for a roast. My bf was slightly drunk and stumbled going up the steps to get on stage. Jeff said to go sit back down because he had made it too easy, hahaha.

  2. Thanks, DP!!! You are a delight! I am a long time reader, too, but this is my first comment. You are truly a gifted writer, and I appreciate the time you spend each week keeping so many of us laughing. :)

  3. You are ridiculous funny. That's all. Go about the rest of your day now.

  4. another classic Some Guy. I particularly liked the shout out to Lloyd Dobbler. I am working on my Ashley roast material...is so small, she cannot see over the steering wheel, can fit in your pocket, etc. If I come up with anything brilliant, I will repost. For now, I will be standing under a tree with my boom box over my head!

  5. She may have been sincerely hurt by Bentley, but it's tough to feel sorry for her when she knowingly keeps someone like William around. And Harrison looked adorable this week. ;)

  6. I am still laughing at all the Gay-mes jokes. I was laughing so hard at the Gay Parade paragraph. Then I read where you cracked yourself up about that one and I laughed even harder. Oh man," the many men who will eventually come behind him." Still laughing. Loved the "show some sack". Well done. My mind won't even revert back to the actual episode. Too painful for so many reasons. Thus, the recap is perfect once again.

  7. BEST line ever by you: "Ames leading the gay-pride parade in honor of all the men who came before him, and all the men who will come behind him. I'm Money." I had to push back in my chair and laugh out loud for a good while on that one! Classic! Wasn't last night horrible? If not for you and Lincee, I couldn't stomach it, but you truly make it worth while to suffer through. Truly. I mean that.

  8. I'm thrilled that my most crass material is a big hit. To hell with the intellectual and historic stuff. I know where my bread is buttered. Hey now. DP

  9. "Ames would be well suited to march in honor of all the gay men who were there before him and, of course, the many men who will eventually come behind him." Well done, DP, well done. Quite possibly my favorite line you've ever written! I literally choked on my pasta salad because I was laughing so hard!

    As I started to read this recap, I was wondering if you'd do a rundown of what you would have said if you were given a chance to roast everyone. And then I realized that this very blog is basically a weekly roast, with far better material than any of the schlubs that Ashley has vying for her emotionally stunted affections.

  10. DP, You have been cracking me up since the "Douchebag from Denton's" season, but this is my first comment. I LOVED your recap of this train wreck of an episode! I'm a bit of a "Frenchie"- I teach French, I'm married to a French guy- and I was laughing hysterically at your WWII references. Also liked the line about Bentley having a niece named Comfy :). Thank you for this blog!! SM

  11. DP, another classic review. Too many favourites to list. I was flipping back and forth between watching my beloved hockey team get their asses handed to them and Ashley's train wreck. Could not decide which was more painful to watch. And thanks for laying off Canadians this week!

  12. You are the only reason I am still watching this mess of a show! I personally feel that picking Ashley to be the bachelorette was the worst decision in the history of the show. Gia would have been way more entertaining! Speaking of history, I LOVE the French jokes...keep them coming, please (I can say this because I'm French). Can't wait until next Tuesday!

  13. Hi everybody!!! I'm glad that I was able to catch the show this week. I was getting a follow up laser treatment for the hair on my arms and legs last Monday afternoon and was stressed out by the whole thing. I grabbed a few friends and unwound at a little watering hole called The Dew Drop Bar. So, I missed the show completely. However, there was my Superman Tuesday morning to save the day. Thank you so much DP for keeping me up to date with your blog. You are a total sweetheart and me and the boys adore you.

    By the way, what's up with Bentley's hair? I can't tell if it's a bird's nest or just a bad wig. I'm not big on shaved heads, but if that's all that you have to work with then you need to shave that thing. I just think that Bentley is an absolute ogre. Not only is he ugly, but he's repulsive and crude. I can't believe that after such a fabulous first date with William that anyone would give Bentley the time of day. If I was Emily and was watching the show and saw William pay me a complement at Ashely's expense, I would go through hell and high water to meet that little prince charming.

    I have to admit that Ames is a little prissy and me and the boys think that's part of what makes him hot. With that said, I understand that you girls may not find him all that desirable. But riddle me this....from a woman's perspective, isn't William just the cutest little ham you ever saw? When he smiles....OMG!!! put a fork in me...I'm done.

    Love and laughs,
    Derek and the boys from South Beach

  14. Add me to the group that laughed till she choked at the Pride Parade comment. SO good. I've sent it on to friends who don't watch just to share your genius with them.

    The leg wrap hug made me ashamed for my entire gender - and was a teachable moment to my daughter on how NEVER to behave when getting dumped. Excruciating to watch.

    Thanks for always coming through and turning this mess into the best laughs of my week.

    Ann in Denver

  15. Yes Derek, William is just the cutest little ham ever! He may have lost some points with his insensitivity this week, but at least he understood the point of a roast, and looked adorable doing it. Until he started crying. Show some sack, man!

  16. Loved the recap! While I missed most of the show, I did catch the Bentley debacle. W-O-W is all I can say. Honestly, my first thought watching Ashley is that this must be her first go-'round with bangs because she fiddled with them the whole time he was talking to her. My other thought is that she needs a therapy session with Dr. Jaime from last season! She needs some serious confidence work!!
    Thanks for sacrificing your Monday evenings for us! I certainly appreciate you!

  17. Jessica - Thank you sweetheart!!! I knew that someone would agree with me. And yes....please, show some sack please, William. Pop that jock boyfriend!!!!


  18. 1. I LOVE William! Not only is he the only respectable looking bachelor on the show, but he's the only one who had the "sack" to do a real roast (although he lost said "sack" with the crying afterwards).
    2. I miss Bentley. The show is now officially boring.
    3. Everyone together ... "Who the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is Lucas?"

    Dear Ashley,
    Don't agree to let ABC set you up on a "Roast Date" and then cry when someone actually roasts you! No pitty from me.

    Dear ABC,
    You need to fire your date-coordinator ASAP. These 3 dates last night were HORRIBLE, non-creative ideas. All of them. They did not fit the funny or romantic or adventurous categories. Please hire DP to create new date scenarios. Mmmkay?

    Dear Derek and the boys,
    Ames is just plain ugly. And not because of his serious gay-dar, but because he just is. But I'm all over the William cuteness.

    Dear DP,
    Thanks for laughs (as always). My favorite lines were all the Ames quotes. I thought them in my head last night and you wrote them down today. Brilliant!


  19. "dressed like a baked potato." Ha!

    Now I've got "In Your Eyes" stuck in my head. My wedding song, btw.

    Priceless from beginning to end, as usual DP!

    Clare (still can't post under google account, for some reason!)

  20. One more leg wrap and Ashley gets a text from Representative Weiner.

  21. I'll have to work in a few gay, French, sack jokes for inclusion in next week's entry. Those seem to work wonderfully. I love it. Derek, glad to have you back. You sound so happy....gay even. Kisses to you and the boys in SB. DP

  22. Dear guyinaustin:

    I don't post much here since I notice that its mostly women that post, but I do hope you keep up the blog 'cuz its really funny... Its really needed to dull the pain from watching the show...

    Anyhoo, I thought you'd for sure post your thoughts on the whole owl and squirrel deal while Jeff was taking off his mask. What the heck was that all about?

    Keep up the good work.


  23. I have not watched the show in two seasons- relying on this blog for my fix. Last night, I decided to tune in- holy crap what a mess....

    Speaking of crap, could we please discuss the last scene of the show last night? Jeff on the toilet (with his mask on) discussing the auto classified section of the paper as Bentley stands at the mirror fixing his hair. They are pulling out all the stops this season.....

    Pretty sure that I am back to a blog only policy after last night- I can't take it. So please keep it real, please keep the blog alive!

  24. Excellent work, DP! You hit the nail on the head with you evaluation of Bentley. Not only is he a complete asshole, but he is also a coward. There is nothing wrong with a single guy that loves to date different women. Even villains like Wes and Michelle may say and do the wrong things, but I can still find humor in it. However, this guy Bentley is truly sick. There is a big difference in a womanizer and a psychopath. I'm not saying that Ashley was not warned and I agree that she was being naive, but this guy Bentley has little to no regard for anyone's feelings. Call me soft, but I felt truly sorry for Ashley.

  25. 1. Yes, William is adorably cute. That dimple seals the deal for me. Until I read your post, it didn't occur to me that maybe he didn't really want to be there b/c he's not that into her, but it actually makes total sense. Otherwise, how does a person lose focus so, so badly?
    2. "dressed like a baked potato" love it...sometimes the simplest jokes are the best.
    3. Lloyd Dobbler is way cooler than Ben. I'm just saying.
    4. Nothing about the final scene? Jeff and his mask reading the classifieds on the throne while Bentley spiked his hair with water? Beyond bizarre.
    5. The roast? "If you can't take the heat, get out of the oven." Whichever bachelor said that last week should repeat it this week. Worst date idea ever.

  26. Oh stop it, DP! Happy..yes. Gay...always.


  27. I nominate Mickey for the next bachelor, but only if he is contractually obligated to wear his glasses at least 50% of the time. That moment of hotness was the highlight of an otherwise painful episode.

    William is cute but sooooo immature. Is it snobbish to say that a 30 year old guy without a career and with aspirations to do stand-up comedy is hardly a catch? Is it any wonder that all of his exes, according to him, have immediately moved on to find husbands?

    The dates this season have been awful! My theory for why they are headed out of town so early on is that the guys would be bored out of their minds otherwise.

    I really like the idea of Ben C. and Ashley ending up together. For reasons I can't comprehend, he seems to genuinely like her.

    I'm also dealing with Blogger not letting me comment using my google account. Lame.


  28. "There’s no question Bentley is a jerk, but he was placed on the show by even bigger jerks." Amen to that DP! I don't know how guilty I should feel about watching. I assuage my conscience by telling myself Ashley should have known how low the producers could go. They set up the roast in hopes of making Ashley cry. I agree with you that Bentley is a coward, I could respect him a little tiny bit if he just would have told her the truth, but telling her it's not a period, it's a dot dot dot, then she had to see this mess on TV! And anonymous you're right that ending scene was HI-larious, what did Jeff keep saying, "Do you think it's worth it?" after he would read a price for a trailer or boat. Totally set up and totally hilarious.
    Thanks DP, we appreciate you!!!
    Clare 2

  29. DP, great as always! I loved the ending scene with Jeff and Bentley. This show is such a joke anyways. It almost makes me think ABC is trying to make themselves look stupid so more people watch...or maybe just because Ashley is so boring. At least in the one season where they were catching the mouse that was "real".
    Kim in Nevada

  30. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen".

    FYI--Mickey (not his real name--just a nickname) was Cosmo's Bachelor of the Year 2010.

  31. Seems to me like JP got the shaft this week with the "impromtu" evening at "home". Ashley didn't even try to impress him, I know she was sad and all but isn't she trying to make these guys fall in "love" with her also. How could he look at the puffy, swollen, blubbering mess & say that is someone I want to marry is beyond me.

    Some people look good in glasses but Ashley looked like that dorky kid who always sits in front of the class & since when does "I want to get into something comfy" on a date not mean the guy is gonna get lucky-just saying!

    Whatever happened to the sweet, romantic, & fun dates that the contestants went on? ABC is really dropping the ball here.

    Some Guy you keep us entertained & coming back every week which is huge considering how horrible this show has become so THANK YOU & I'll leave it at that ....:)Kerry

  32. However, remember that you can’t spell “Flames” without “Ames.” - BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Hilarious! And just know the only reason I sit through this crap is so I can read the recaps by you and Lincee.

  33. Ashley says that she feels like putting on her PJ’s and getting Cozy and Comfy. I was surprised J.P. didn’t wonder aloud what any of this had to do with Bentley’s daughter. And who is “Comfy,” Bentley’s niece?

    So good it hurts

  34. Can't get on my google account either..GoodgirlsRfun2 here & enjoying your take on the show. Am I the only one that thought when Ashley had glasses she looked like the girl from hang over "paging Dr faggot" ?? JP grow some hair. I know it is hot on the construction site but hopefully he lets it grow out abit. I don't see any chemistry except when she was in heat for Bentley. Sociopath anyone? Guy has no conscience! I'd love to be a fly on the wall and hear what his ex said about the show. Carry on!

  35. I don't want to say that Ashley makes poor choices but she fell in love with OJ. Then she tried to take Bernie Madoff to Maine to eat poutine.

    I mean, after watching Ashley, I understand why dentists have the highest suicide rates of any profession. Hell, I now want to kill myself.

    Next to her, George Costanza is a fount of self-confidence. Sure she covers her insecurity by being perky. Unfortunately her personality is the only thing about her that's "perky."

    I mean, a dozen men are fighting to wed a woman whose greatest accomplishment is being dumped by a dullard from Texas.

    I'm sure these guys can't wait for the fantasy suite, where Ashley throws on her glasses and sweatpants and sobs uncontrollably all night. Let's put a little Barry White on the stereo and get comfy. You can cry into this condom.

    And .... Womak out! Waaaaay out!

  36. "Sporting pastel colored t-shirts and warm up pants like a bunch of sorority girls getting ready for a pillow fight, the “men” assemble in the sunken living room as Harrison in his nautically themed sweater and wind blown hair commences the dropping of the date card..."

    You started off strong and continued! You did wonders for a pathetic episode.
    I agree-- Harrison really brought it at the end...he was saying what we were all thinking...well, except "I told you so".

    I have no roast for Ashley, but I think this should go in the file for off season post ideas -- DP Roasts...
    I know it's similar to what you do weekly, but just a bit more concentrated! Then we don't have to endure any talk of an impromptu flash mob or fake Vegas wedding.

    And speaking of off season...tomorrow, I bake a diaper cake :)
    Go MAVS!

  37. Wow. I think the previous poster (before Mary) did a great job roasting Ashley and put an end to the contest before it even began. Good work! But, what the heck, I'll give it the old college try.

    Some Guy often says that Ashley has a large forehead. But that's only true if you're comparing it to the length of her skirts.

    I don't want to say that Ashley lacks self confidence, but the only thing lower than her self esteem is Sarah Palin's IQ or President Obama's approval rating. (Pick one based on your party affiliation.)

    Bravo, DP, you spun gold out of very thin material this week!

    I do hope we've seen the end of the producers' sadistic streak. Forcing every woman to confront her worst fears has carried over from Brad's season (insects, heights, flying, race cars, etc.) to Ashley's (rejection). There seems to be no limit to their cruelty for the sake of ratings.

  38. Is it just me or does Ames look like the lost gay Fratelli brother...

    Fantastic, as always, DP! Thanks for the laughs!

  39. Some Guy - My friend asked me to submit his "roast" to your blog. So this one is on behalf of Derek and one of my BFF's Toby. Here ya go:

    Ashley, Cher called. She likes your bangs but wants her hair extensions back. Oh and by the way, I think that you're the perfect girl for Ames. He finally found someone with a forehead bigger than his. Speaking of Ames...boyfriend, have you not learned by now that closets are for clothes? Free yourself!!! You're a Rein Beau and everyone knows it. You were born gay so follow the ray. Don't even giggle, William. Don't think you can hide behind your boyish grin. The Cuban Crisis is on to you and can see right through you little act. We dubbed you as an outright imposter the moment you stepped out of the limo. I know, I know....you're not gay, but your boyfriend is, right??? OMG..lets get one thing straight...you're not!!
    Now, Bentley a.k.a the missing link, we know that you're not gay. Well at least we hope not. I mean you look like David Hasselhoff on a bad hair day. The last time I saw a hairdo like that I was digging through my grandmother's hope chest when I discovered one of her old dirty wigs. I can't decide who you look more like. Nepolean Dynamite or Greatest American Hero.

    Let me know what you think, DP!!!

    -Derek on behalf of Toby and all the boys from South Beach

  40. Ashely and Bentley? Douche chill (insert ellipses here)

    Too cozy for comfort.

    Oh Ashley! With you wrist tattoo, your disco ball dress and your hot pink eyeshadow streaked across your cheeks; I guess what they say is true: "One man's trash is a scavenger's treasure".

    I thought this b*tch was a dentist.

    What a mess. This week I switched from Chardonnay to Margaritas. 4 of them. Now I've got a buzz on and I'm full of resentment. Ashely, you're tears and your insecurity are turning me into a lush.

    Unrelated side note: What WAS with the squirrel and the hawk? Someone was wearing their fancy editing pants this week. Oh well, Phuket!

  41. This was pretty much the WORST episode of Bachelor/Bachelorette I have EVER seen. Actually this is the worst SEASON! I'll take Brad Round 3 over AShley. I hate the lame dancing - I agree - isn't she a dentist? I can't stand her hair. I actually cant stand her. She is the whiniest person ever with absolutely ZERO self-esteem and she should definitely NOT be thinking about marriage if she is this insecure about any and everything. And also the crying. Oh my lord. She has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old! Who on earth would be attracted to all that nonsense?! Also, I really despise all her clothes.

    I was hoping Michelle or Shawntell would be the Bach because Michelle while nutty is super amusing and I genuinely liked Shawntel.

  42. I'm not sure which was harder to watch. The movie fight scene last season with Brad or having to endure "Flash Mob"....whatever that is?!?

    I, at least, understand the idea of a movie. They make millions and people pay to see them. But why anyone would ever be involved with something as lame as running as a group to a public place and dancing in front of people in a park is beyond anything that I can understand. I think that I'd feel more comfortable joining the Hare Krishna. Just my two cents.

  43. The comments are wonderful this week. However, I have to give special recognition to whomever dropped the Goonies reference above saying Ames looked like the mentally challenged Fratelli brother. Brutal. Solid, but brutal. Do you think he likes Rocky Road ice cream?

  44. It was a long day yesterday brightened by your recap. Thanks for the shout out, that was cool seeing my name at the beginning.
    What made me laugh out loud was the line about Ames: "Ames leading the gay-pride parade in honor of all the men who came before him, and all the men who will come behind him. I'm Money." Now I can't get that silly Adele song out of my head! LOL
    It was a very cringe inducing episode, ABC and CH could care less if they strip this girl of any self esteem she may have left. But on the other hand, she signed up for it.

  45. I forgot to give a big high five to Derek and the boys from South Beach for their contribution to Ashley's roast. That was priceless: "Cher called, she wants her bangs back" LOL

  46. DP -- Watched the bachelor last season for the first time and was entertained. This is my first season of the bachelorette but this is AWFUL... the girl is not interesting nor that cute (she does have a great body). Making dudes perform as if they are on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ is just selfish and asking them to roast you at a comedy club is just douchey. Might be nice for her to shut up long enough to figure out what any of these guys wants, likes and/or if they have any interests. When the French, lawyer guy (who is the hottest, in my opinion) tried to propose a toast she cut him off and talked over him to take over the toast. I am not sure why any of these guys would want Ashley… she is just a weird, controlling, insecure girl…. It is currently 3rd and 12 and this show will need a big play next week or… might have to punt. When Weiner’s member (CNN) is more interesting than a reality show… I’m just saying! Where is the ENTERTAINMENT? People (men and women) who have no idea what they want but insist they are ready to get married = paying divorce clients for DP the lawyer.

  47. Liana - LOL...Thank you sweetheart! I was rolling on the floor when Toby mentioned that one.

  48. This show is too painful to watch.

    My roast line: "Ashley, you agreeing to do a roast on national TV is like Anthony Weiner agreeing to do a Fruit of the Loom commercial. You just know it is not going to end well."

  49. With her perkiness, hair extensions and awful eyelashes, is Ashley the Bachelorette or trying to become a televagelist wife?

  50. Derek and the Boys, I have to say that my enjoyment of this blog and this intellect-reducing show is greatly more bedazzled by your comments. That roast above was perfect. DP, I have forwarded your blog to every poor slob that admits to me they watch this nonsense so that they can glean something redeemable out of it (your writing). Thank you, gentlemen, for my daily distraction. xo Alisa (another Google victim)

  51. DP - You are the best! I wish ABC would introduce you to Emily! Jenny

  52. i think bentley looks like a blond ronald mcdonald.
    -laurie in toledo, ohio

  53. This comment has been removed by the author.

  54. DP- For months now, I scroll and snort laugh my way through your blog, but for some reason only felt compelled to write now. I used to have the worst Sunday anxiety because Mondays are awful, and I used the social agnst and romantic tension of the Bach ABC family and your blog to ease myself into the week.
    This week's episode was a new breed of excruciating. If you watch Gold Rush Alaska and like to take things out of context, one might say that the entire 2 hours would make you "tighten your pucker".
    For those of us who actually watch comedy roasts, and see the terrible things they say about ppl (once someone said that Lisa Lampanelli looked like something that should be tied up in Michael Vick's backyard, but Ashley is whining about........ohhhhhh right, nothing of substance).
    I am still not convinced that Ashley is not a 15 year old boy from Phuket. This is evidenced by:
    - skin color that is not quite Jersey, not quite natural...
    - prominence of jeggings, hold the junk in nicely
    - Overuse of the smoky, spider eye
    - unwavering desire to please the man who treats her the worst (B.to tha.Ently)
    - the way she draaaags through the english language like she learned it from the back of a cereal box
    - the obvious: no t*ts, not even pretending
    If you think Phuket is a fun-destination-change-of-pace-nice thing ABC is doing for the contestants, think again...it's hometown visits =)
    Ah hell, I hate working late but I love ppl like DP!!

  55. Katie...oh my word you just killed me with your comment about "not being sure Ashley is not a 15 year old boy from Phuket". I just flashed back to "The Crying Game" and than I flashed back to sitting in a disco in Bangkok with a friend from guy friend from Switzerland who was pointing out all the beautiful women to me and than saying they're men. Holy crap maybe you are right...maybe she is, or was a man. I'm going to be watching her real carefully next week, real carefully. It will give me a good distraction from the terrible mess that this show has become.

    Some guy...I kept wondering when Ashley was going to let the guy drive too. Let's see...Dentist...control freak...type A personality...insecure mess...yep, she's become quite the catch. She better bring her A game next week or I'm going to have to quit sticking up for her and her forehead.

  56. I continue to watch this show for two reasons--your blog and Lincee Ray's.

    Loved your comment about Ames--"the many men who will eventually come behind him"

    And "dressed like a baked potato" is hysterical and true.

  57. Laurie in Toledo- "A blonde Ronald McDonald"!! I'm scrolling down reading delightful and funny comments and then your comment....bahahaha, oh my, I don't know why but the randomness of it was so hilarious!!! I totally see it!! They have the same puffy hairdo!
    Speaking of Bentley, while I agree that he is a douchelord, I have to say that I feel like I caught a glimpse of why Ashley fell so hard for him. From what little I saw of their interactions, I noticed the little things he did. Like the way he would touch her or mess with her hair. Even though his actions weren't genuine, it seemed like he was...I hate to even say it...loving. He was loving on her. Girls love details, and when a man is detailed in what he does with his hands, she's putty in said hands :) For example, when she was laying her head on his chest, he was pulling her hair back from her face piece by piece. Oh, and he would nuzzle against her too. Girls love that kind of attention. They love it even more when it's from a guy who wouldn't normally do that sort of thing. Like a cool guy or something. I guess to Ashley, Bentley was "cool." All of the other guys are always bubbly and act excited to be in her presence but Bentley seemed like he couldn't care less. So when he was with her, and loved on her, I think it made her feel extra special.
    I really felt sorry for her this week! How can you not feel for her? Especially if you've been through a heartbreak before.
    Anyway, great post this week, DP!! So funny!!...except for when you were hating on Far East Movement. :( Boo to that.

  58. Hey HartAmber - I love it!!! I've never heard the word Douchelord, but it's one of the funniest names that I've ever heard. I must find someone here in the office and use it on them immediately.


  59. Alisa you are so sweet. I have so much fun on this blog. All of the girls are awesome and DP, our host, is the bomb. We love you DP!!!!

    Derek and the boys from South Beach

  60. Did anyone else catch the part where Ben was going on and on about wanting an impossible love, one that's excessive, etc.? Then Ashley said his expectations were too high and she wanted the same thing? Um, what?

  61. Bentley is boring as hell, I am not sure what she even saw in him. But what I don't get is how these guys like Bentley think they are EVER going to date again outside reality TV after acting like such a jackass? It's not like his name is so generic that he will fade into obscurity any time in the next 2 years. He's young enough that he's will want to date, but most of all, that poor unfortunate daughter.! Unfortunate too she's named Cozy, but sadder stil that she'll one day see The Bachelorette DVD Gold Boxed Collection and see her Dad act like that on national TV. I'm not a parent, but I'm pretty sure this is not exactly good role model behavior. What an immature idiot.

  62. Lol MH, hope you found someone to use it on ;)

  63. Thanks hartamber. I did and it was beautiful!


  64. Her boobs ARE awesome, just fyi.

  65. Stacey, LOL....that would have been a nice one to use on him when he was in his funk a few weeks ago. However, since then he's been in a much better mood. The guy in my office that I did use it on was born for that word. Thanks again, hartamber!