Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bachelor Recap Episode 3: Fangs for the Mammaries

Hello everyone and welcome back for this week’s installment of my commentary on our favorite show. I’ve had an eventful week since I last posted. By “eventful” I mean that I went out on the town a lot. I frequented my usual quota of honky tonks and dive bars, downed more than my fair share of Lone Star beers, and even took the time to put a new set of heels and soles on my favorite pair of boots. As if any of you care about this.

This week’s shout out goes to my long lost high school friend, Mike. Mike tracked me down via email a while back after he discovered his wife and a few of her wine-riddled friends cackling madly in front of the computer in his home office as they read a funny Bachelor blog. Upon further exploration and a little bit of research Mike discovered that I was indeed Some Guy in Austin. Mike and I were the best of friends growing up and through no fault of our own we simply lost touch. Now Mike has taken to sending me threatening and harassing emails from work every Tuesday morning wondering why I have not posted a new entry and begging me to bring him relief from his impending job responsibilities. It’s nice to have you back in my life, Mike. I’ll be happy to let you buy me a beer soon. Thank your wife and her drunken posse for reading the blog. With that out of the way, let’s get to it.

We begin with the usual Harrison voice over, “Tonight, on the Bachelor. . .” as we see various explosions, action shots, and the rundown of the controversy ahead. We learn that the group date will involve the usual pseudo-acting gig which is nothing more than a thinly disguised effort to ferret out the criers and the crazies. We see Michelle continuing her nose dive into the depths of delusion as she attempts to mark her territory. I was surprised she didn’t pee on his hotel door for crying out loud. Of course, all of this leads up to the standard Girls Sipping Latte Sans Make Up Clad in Juicy Couture While Lounging Around the Living Room Sectional shot.

Harrison bursts in fresh off his visit to Ellen in his teal oxford and fancy jeans to tell the ladies that the emotional bar is being raised. “Use your time with Brad wisely,” he tells the women as he drops the date card sending the women into a frenzy like pigeons in a park competing for a freshly dropped saltine cracker.

“Let’s find our love song,” the card reads as we learn that the date belongs to cute, Southern Ashley S. In her best North Carolina diction she wonders aloud just what clothes she’s “gonna wayer” in light of the vague date card description. I picked her as a front runner early. She’s a top three finisher along with Emily and Chantal O. in my opinion. She’s nice and seems relatively normal; although I do see a hint of jealousy and desperation in group situations. If she can keep from melting down, she should go far. It remains to be seen how big that “IF” really is.

Of course, that pain in the ass Michelle is upset that she didn’t get the date. She’s a “strong, confident, and loving woman” she tells us. She’s also “overbearing, delusional, and f*cking crazy.” Someone needs to remind her that the latter three adjectives constitute the Royal Flush of Get the Hell Out of the House hands a girl can hold.

Allaying any doubt as to her Section 8 status, she ended her tirade with “I hate everyone.” That’s a little military humor for you in case you missed it. The bottom line is that, like Spanx over a set of chubby thighs, good looks can conceal Crazy but they can’t make it go away. We all sensed Michelle pushing that limit this week. Frankly, she annoyed me. I longed for last season’s Crazy Michelle. She was much more entertaining. Annnyyyyyhoooo . . .

Brad arrives as wooden as ever in “his” convertible Aston Martin and tells us that Ashley S. has a calming effect on him as he spirits her away down The 105 en route to the Capitol Records building. I’ll get to that debacle in a minute but let me address Brad’s first comment. “Calming effect?” If this guy was any more calm he’d need Shawntel to fill him full of embalming fluid, put rouge on his cheeks, and paint a smile on his face. Regardless, he escorts Ashley S. and his calmed nerves to Studio A for the most transparently contrived date in the history of the Bachelor (man, I sound like Harrison).

In what will be the first of many cry fests this week, Ashley S. begins to tear up at the possibility of singing with Brad. Actually, I began to cry after he sang but that’s neither here nor there. We learn that the purpose of the date is to set up this year’s outdated cheesy Bachelor-related song, “A Kiss from a Rose” by Seal. But wait, there’s a twist. YAWN. (Insert prolonged sip of Lone Star beer and simultaneous eye roll here).

Apparently, Ashley S. lost her father and this was his favorite song. Holy sh*t! What a coincidence. Right. I’m certain that Ashley S. forgot that she mentioned this little detail in her casting interview early last year. It was probably the stress of the situation and the fact that she was on a First Date Fart Hold that contributed to her inability to remember sharing the Seal story with the casting agent at the Charlotte Ramada.

I’ll give the Producers credit for making it happen, but we all know that’s about as coincidental as Michelle being “randomly” selected for the group date this week. In honor of her deceased father, Brad and Ashley S. proceed to slaughter his favorite song like drunken Asians at an after hours karaoke bar soaked in a gallon of sake until Seal mercifully shows up and sings his 17 year old song the way it should be sung. I missed Jeffrey Osborne.

Brad and Ashley S. tear up, cuddle, and bond as we listen to Ashley S. in her green rubber What Would Harrison Do bracelet opine that her father must have “orchestrated” this garbage from above. No Ashley S., actually a Producer from below made this up, but it’s nice to dream every now and then, isn’t it? The only thing your father was orchestrating was rolling over in his grave. I have to admit, it was a little sweet to see that she was touched.

Brad and Ashley S. head to the roof for some romantic time as she lays the “my dad had an aneurism” story on him and he pretends to care. To be fair to Brad, that’s a lot to have laid on you and I thought he was respectful to Ashley S. Still, I found the entire thing depressing, but hey, Brad asked to be challenged. We would soon see that he’d be begging for a date like this in light of the emotional daddy baggage soon to be dropped in his lap this week.

Predictably, Brad drops his standard, awkward “thank you” on Ashley S. as he presents her with a Safety Rose and makes his “thank you for opening up” speech saying “please” and “of course” repeatedly. He needs a new writer. He used “please” and “thank you” so many times I thought I was watching Mary Freaking Poppins.

Overall, the date went well considering the ridiculousness of it all. We fade out to “A Kiss from a Rose” as we all took a sip of our wine and reminded the person with us that we liked that song back in the day; all the while knowing the by the end of the season we’d never want to hear it ever again.

Back at the wo-mansion, the second date card gets dropped amongst the puffy-eyed and makeupless hoard and tears of insanity spill forth from Michelle’s unstable tear ducts as she grips hard wondering if she’ll have to settle for the group date or if she’s reached a level crazy enough to warrant a one-on-one with Brad.

“Love Hurts,” the card reads and we learn that Lindsay, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantel, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacey, Marissa, and (surprise) Michelle are headed for an action filled afternoon with a shirtless, body shaved Bachelor. Michelle, of course, cries some more. Whatever.

The next shot features all of the women bounding energetically across the foyer of the mansion clad in sports bras, tank tops, and yoga pants into the awaiting 15 passenger van. I felt like I was in Boob-celona watching the Running of the Sluts. Michelle pouts in the van and vows to “stand out” on the date. Like most of you, I was sick of her.

Brad awaits the ladies saying the he loves to get down and dirty as an explosion fires off in the background and a dozen Asian stereotypes run at Brad in an attempt to punch him in his shaved chest. Luckily, Brad is prepared. Some tiny guy named Stephen Ho introduces himself and lets the ladies know that they are about to film an action movie. I prayed that the Special Effects Department would give Brad a personality.

Michelle shows off her purple tank top and Alli lets us know that she prefers not to sweat because pit stains are not hot. Well, neither are you, Alli, so it doesn’t really matter now does it? Chantel throws herself into her role and the perpetually obscure Lisa M. distinguishes herself by squeaking instead of grunting as she beats up Asians. Who the hell is Lisa M.? Anyone?

Meanwhile, back at the wo-mansion the doorbell goes ding dong and Ashley S. feels the need to answer it in her bikini. I’d like to sincerely thank her for going that route and I’d like to thank her even more for reading the date card sans body covering towel. Madison pretends to be attracted to Brad by half-assing an “I need a one-on-one date” comment and the other girls buzz with anticipation as the aforementioned bikini clad Ashley S. wrapped in nothing but the security of her Safety Rose reads the card aloud.

“Love is Intoxicating,” it reads as we learn that Emily is next up for a one-on-one date with Brad. Ever the Southern lady, Emily downplays her hotness by worrying about Brad’s reaction when he finds out about the death of her fiancé, her discovery that she was pregnant, and her revelation that she has a five year old daughter. In her sweetest Southern accent Emily tells us that her biggest fear is “that Brad will run for the hills.” Based upon the context, I’m certain that Emily had a different set of hills in mind than I did. I began to long for a run through Emily’s hills.

Back at the movie set, the obscure girls rule the day as Kimberly finally gets a chance to talk. Unfortunately, she was oblivious to the fact that the only reason she was put on screen then was so we’d recognize her at the rose ceremony later when Brad would undoubtedly send her packing like Kane from Kung Fu to wander from place to place in search of someone else to marry her mute ass.

Shawntel proceeds to kick ass earning a make out scene with a bound and shirtless Brad. I don’t know what was stiffer, the ropes around his midsection or his demeanor. At any rate, steam shoots from Michelle’s crazy ear holes as she tells us that she doesn’t want her first kiss to “be like some scripted thing.” Clearly, she’s forgotten that she’s a contestant on a reality dating show. Irrational behavior, aggressiveness, disorientation. Oh my God, I thought. Michelle has rabies. She’s been talking about that damn kiss for three weeks now. I found myself begging whoever listens to me when I yell at my TV to make it happen.

We move on to the after party at Solair, which—SURPRISE—is a rooftop bar with a pool. I’m beginning to think that every place in L.A. is on a rooftop with a pool and soft lighting. These people spend more time on rooftops than a weather vane. If I recall, the O.J. trial was on a rooftop with a pool and soft lighting, wasn’t it?

Showing that he is indeed wild and uninhibited as a result of his intense therapy, Brad jumps into the pool with his clothes on and disrobes so we can see his ridiculous back tattoo that was undoubtedly inspired by Max Cady from Cape Fear. I waited for Brad to kill his lawyer’s dog and beat up Nick Nolte.

Somehow Chantal gets Brad alone for some shirtless one-on-one time to share her version of the Daddy Didn’t Love Me story. She cries too and I actually began to laugh out loud watching a shirtless Brad Womack stew in the regret of accepting another shot at being the Bachelor. Chantal’s dad left, then she sought him out, then she found out he was dead, then she cried some more, then her mom married a rich guy with car dealerships, then the rich guy gave her a job, now she’s tough on the outside but soft on the inside. Good Lord. I’ve never been happier to hear that soft guitar music as it eclipsed that conversation and we panned out in search of something less depressing. Tears aside, Chantal is cool and she seems to have her sh*t together. She’s going to win.

Back at the wo-mansion, the girls—still with no makeup anywhere in sight—assemble on the sectional for a confessional. Say that five times in a row. I wondered why the Aveda and MAC reps were absent this week. Perhaps they had a bad acid trip in Harrison’s trailer.

Emily glows as the center of attention as we see that she is indeed as pretty as she appears to be underneath what I will admit is usually an inordinate amount of make up. You can stop sending me the “I don’t know what you see in her she wears too much make up” emails now. She’s hot. Jackie fights through her underbite and makes a comment about Emily getting something off of her chest. I hoped that one day I would be given the opportunity to help Emily get something off her chest.

Emily bums everyone out by sharing her Buddy Holly story and everyone has a good cry. Hell, even the Vampire cried. However, Madison did look relieved to know that she found a way out of the mansion. Rather than admit that she thought Brad was a dial tone all she has to do is drop the “I don’t want to be selfish card,” on Brad or Harrison and hightail it back to NYC with most of her dignity in tact.

As tragic as Emily’s story is, I think I speak for all men and probably most women when I say that I would have preferred a pillow fight or a foot massage party. This entire episode was beginning to kill my buzz. I wanted to run for Emily’s hills.

Back at the rooftop we see great examples of adult behavior as Brad has pool races with some of the girls and chicken fights with the rest of them. Shawntel drops a solid “hyenas” reference to the rest of the ladies as Alli and her giant teeth tell us that she wants a rose before getting some alone time with Brad. Michelle drops in and puts an end to Alli’s “sexual chemistry” story and Alli sees fit to drop an “evil b*tch” on Michelle as she leaves Brad’s shirtless side and heads back to the pool to discuss Michelle’s impending self destruction with the other ladies. Chantal—who is quickly becoming the anti-Michelle—leads the charge.

Perhaps realizing that her claws are not yet in Brad’s back, Michelle takes a playful, softer approach but quickly dissolves into a jealous rant about a bunch of nothing. Because I am male, I am incapable of understanding these types of conversations. Perhaps y’all had a different take on it.

She cries, pretends to be a good parent, and eventually gives the most anticlimactic kiss in Bachelor history to Brad. Seriously, that kiss made the Weatherman’s pathetic attempt with Ali look like a love scene from Body Heat. Watching Brad and Michelle kiss was like watching a couple of wooden Indians make out. Clearly swimming in a big fat pool of denial, Michelle drops a “he’s mine” as Brad leaves to give the Safety Rose to someone who deserves it now that he’s satisfied the off camera orders to entertain Michelle long enough to make her say something crazy.

To be fair to Michelle, perhaps she just stressed because she’s been wondering if her 2 year old figured out how to work the sink at home in order to make up a batch of that delicious powdered milk that Mommy left for her in the pantry. Hopefully, that kid knows how to dial 911. I’m confident she’ll be rescued soon.

Thankfully, Brad takes this injured horse of an after party out behind the metaphorical barn and puts it out of its misery. He gives the Safety Rose to Shawntel who earned it and Michelle leaves the pool in order to log on to www.imgoingfreakingcrazy.com and book a train ticket to the nearest asylum. She actually calls the other girls “immature,” refers to Brad as “my territory,” and is confident that she and Brad will soon be in “Tahiti practicing making babies.” Hitler was less delusional than she is. The only thing she’s likely to practice after this season is making popsicle stick houses and playing checkers in a padded white room after she’s forced to down a plastic cup of pills and undergoes a cavity search for sharp objects. She gives a bad name to Teri Hatcher look alikes.

We finally get to what I’d been looking forward to since before Womack tried to sing: a one-on-one with Emily. Brad shows up understandably excited. Honestly, that’s a real testament to Emily’s level of hotness when you can work a stiff like Womack into a frenzy. Think about it. Emily enters in a sparkly Tina Turner looking outfit accented by a flowing silk scarf. Meghan—who looked TERRIBLE with a capital TERRIBLE without make up—tells us that Emily is an “itsy bitsy Barbie doll with Mother Teresa’s heart.” Well, I don’t think Mother Teresa got knocked up at 18 by a race car driver but I suppose we all knew what Meghan meant. I was just happy that she shaved her Adam’s apple before going on camera.

In what we soon realize is the cruelest set up in the history of this show, Brad unwittingly takes Emily to a runway for a ride on a private jet. You could literally see the terror in Emily’s eyes as Brad—oblivious to it all—tells her how excited he is to fly her to Santa Maria, California. Dude, that was just plain mean on the Producers’ part. Goading a crazy girl into being herself is one thing, but taking advantage of the worst tragedy in a person’s life is another. Emily handled herself very well and I was impressed that she didn’t melt down when she understandably could have. I’m not just saying that because she’s hot either. That must have been tough for her. Did I mention she’s hot?

In the surprise twist of the new year, Madison talks with Ashley S. about the fact that she’s would like to find love but some of the women, like Emily, need to find love. She considers removing herself from the competition while simultaneously regretting wearing fangs for the past three weeks. When a model who thinks she’s a vampire is the most level headed and rational person in the room, it’s time to leave the room. Fangs aside, I always liked Madison. She never did seem to fit though, did she?

Back on the date, Brad and Emily talk as she nervously dances around her hidden secrets like a gay guy at a Halloween party. After a giant glass of white wine (nice touch, Brad) Emily finally opens up and tells Brad her Buddy Holly story and cops to being a mother. She apologizes for not telling him sooner and Brad looked like he genuinely felt like a sh*thead for throwing her on a plane. He gets sentimental and touchy feely and Emily finally loosens up a bit. It was a nice moment. I was glad that Seal didn’t pop out and sing. Brad gives Emily a rose. Hell, I would have chopped down an entire rose bush.

Back in L.A. Brad broods some more near the hot tub where Reid got dumped by Jillian and awaits the arrival of “his therapist in L.A.” to discuss how to make himself vulnerable. Jaime Green, an English Dr. Phil, arrives and proceeds to talk a bunch of nonsense about “creating space” for the women and “opening his heart.” Whatever. If Jaime Green would have been worth his weight as a therapist he would have talked Brad out of choosing Emily and grabbed her phone number from him in the process. Amateur.

Pre-Cock Tail Party and the girls begin to stress. Jealousy hangs over the house like moss on a cypress tree as Ashley H. and her fivehead feel the anxiety. Everyone but Michelle is nervous as Chantel sets up next week’s showdown by laughing in her wine glass at Michelle’s false confidence as the other girls join in like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Brad enters in his gray suit undoubtedly doused in Axe Body Spray and drops his unoriginal “hello ladies” before giving a canned speech and “thank you-ing” and “pleasing” everyone again.

Alli, dressed like a Tiffany’s box, gets the first one-on-one and bores him to death with her “my dad cheated on my mom and had a kid out of wedlock” story. What. A. Freaking. Drag. Brad assures her that he’s never cheated and Michelle butts in still trying to see if that lame kiss ignited any fireworks.

Chantal sits down to tell Brad some bad jokes and they awkwardly psychobabble before Michelle butts in again. The look on Womack’s face was priceless. I thought he was going to gouge her eyes out with Madison’s fangs. Michelle makes a last ditch effort to manipulate Brad into hating everyone else but her and Brad actually laughs at her. Under strict instructions to keep the Crazy ones around for as long as possible, Brad pretends that Michelle’s possessive, over-the-top behavior is a turn on. We know she’s getting a rose.

Brad has various one-on-ones with girls whose names I’d never learned or quickly forgotten. Madison finally tells Brad that she’s not willing to bilk any of the Desperate Donnas out of their shot at a rose. Translation: Dude, you’re boring and I’m not into you. I’d rather go back to doing coke off of a make up mirror in the bathroom of my photographer’s Manhattan loft and purging for 24 hours before a runway show. Send me home. Brad and Madison agree that she won’t accept a rose if Brad offers it. She removes the fangs and we know her bags sit patiently in her room waiting for that fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t to come and put them in the limo. Props to Madison. That was a big girl move.

Fivehead and her smoky eyes get time alone with Brad and she tells him to send her home if he doesn’t feel anything for her. I loved watching Womack get a bit of his own medicine. He asked for it.

Rose Ceremony

Harrison arrives to kill the party with his ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife in his understated yet elegant black suit and gray striped oxford and black tie. Brad looked so relieved to see him I thought he was going to jump off the couch and French kiss him. Instead, Brad gives out a few more “thank yous” and “pleases” and excuses himself to ponder his choices and argue with the Producers about sending Michelle packing.

Roses get handed out and Madison takes herself out of the game in the middle of the ceremony as the remaining girls fight back the urge to smile from ear to ear. Ashley S., Emily, and Shawntel revel at the presence of this week’s Safety Roses in their hands as Brad doles out the remaining shrubbery.

4. Michelle (clearly the Producers pick. She’ll stand off with Chantal then leave)
5. Chantal O. (Brad’s first voluntary rose. She’s going to win)
6. Lisa (who?)
7. Jackie (did a good job this week. She seems nice)
8. Ashley H. (fivehead)
9. Marissa (who?)
10. Britt (silent treatment worked again for her)
11. Alli (why?)
12. Lindsay (she’d better step it up or she’s a goner)
13. Meghan (why?)
14. Stacey (I have no idea who she is. It’s likely Brad doesn’t either)

Madison, Kimberly, and Sarah P. are sent packing. It just goes to show that unless you make an effort to stand out you’re just another flower in the wallpaper. Say what you want to about Michelle, Brad knows who the hell she is and so do the Producers. Madison remains cool and level-headed. She’ll be fine. Kimberly drops the humiliating “it’s his loss” as she cries herself back into obscurity—well, at least until she gets the Bachelor Pad 2 invite. Sarah P. makes the cardinal mistake of dumpees by getting bitter, crying too much, and saying she’s got “so much to offer.” Apparently, Brad didn’t think so. Go back to Denver and sell some real estate. This too shall pass.

Well, there it is. Week three. With the Amazing count at a steady 37 and the Journey count at a manageable 6, we head into week four. My guess is that something controversial happens next week. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be talking to my Austin therapist about Emily’s hills. DP


  1. Well done as ususal & may I say I am sooooo sick of all the please & thank you crap from Brad, I mean it's great to be polite & all but he is just annoying.
    Another thing he does that drives me crazy is when he says "at all", as in "that's not what I want, at all" really cause I thought he was on the fence but since he said "at all" I guess he really means it.
    Keep up the good work, I certainly need it to get through this ridiculous season:)

  2. Honestly, Brad is really not a prize. He is so boring and has not exhibited any semblance of a discernible personality. Better to focus on the women to deflect the fact that Brad is boring...and wooden...and fairly uninteresting. I could barely watch his first season and can't stomach this one. The "therapist" pushed me over the edge.

    On a side note, I think Emily is gorgeous and seems sweet. What guys has she been dating that she feels so insecure about having a dead fiancee and a little girl? Apparently the kind who are looking for a Barbie doll with a blank slate. She'll be more than fine and meet a guy with much more going on for himself than Brad Womack.

  3. I am crying I am laughing so hard at this recap. I am going to miss Fangs. Could Brad be more beige..the guy brings dull to a whole new level, thank god for Michelle. And who is Lisa? Until I read your blog I did not even know there was a Lisa. Yikes!

  4. I had to wait a few minutes to compose myself, I laughed so hard. You killed me with some of your comments and observations.

    Wow, was the theme this week "Who has daddy issues?". Could it have been a more depressing and boring episode?

    Brad puts me in a trance, and not in a good way. The guy is so boring, wooden, and lacks so much personality, I don't know if I can take it too much longer. I am hanging in there just to come here the next day and have a good laugh.

    Emily is beautiful and sweet and she deserves someone better than boring old Brad. Michelle is obvious a producer's plant and I love watching her implode week after week.

    Once Madison took of the silly fangs and let her true self come through, she became a very likeable girl. She did put on her big girl panties and dealt with the situation. Kudos to her, I was impressed.

  5. Is Emily's hotness on the level of Angry Dave's jackassness?

  6. Lisa is the one who looks remarkably like Janice, Chandler's on-again,off-again girlfriend on Friends. I keep waiting to hear "Oh. My. God." Maybe that's why she hasn't said anything???

    Great recap again Some Guy - between you and Lincee you have every aspect of this train wreck covered!

  7. You had me at Fangs for the Memories! Loved the rabies reference. I will have to share that one with my niece. it will make Michelle a little easier to stomach.
    Still love Emily and the southern Ashley. But I think both are way too young and classy for Brad. He is such a boring acting guy. All he really has going for him are his abs. and lets face it he is pushing 40 they are going to start sagging soon.

  8. I have never commented before but I had to say you almost had me spitting out my drink when you said, "Oh my God, Michelle has rabies". That was awesome! She does seem like some crazed animal. I agree she is f'n crazy. Thanks for the laughs!

  9. First Date Fart Hold?? Good Lord, that is priceless!

    What I don't get is why Brad is SO shocked when these girls haven't had a lot of relationships. Does he forget that Emily is FOURTEEN years younger than him??

    Emily's my favorite, but she deserves better than a TV-made relationship with Boring As Crap Brad.

  10. I just started reading your blog late last season when Lincee mentioned you, and first time comment-er...PLEASEEE don't say Chantal is going to win...there is just something about her (not counting boobs lol) that rubs me the wrong way. Emily, on the other hand, I think should be the final 1. I stopped reading Reality Steve when he started to let everyone know who was going to win...what fun is that? I think I will stick with your snarky, sarcastic humor (and Lonestars since I'm in Dallas) and Lincee's nicer version. :) Yay for Emily winning!! (just fyi, the person I want to win never does... )

  11. Some Guy,
    Your posts are laugh out loud funny! I love that Brad was "Brad Womacked" by Madison. The dude clearly deserves everything he is getting this season with all the issues these girls have. Gone are the days of floating around the pool on a raft! I'll give him the nice body (except that gy-normous cross) nod but he is as stiff as a board and extremely boring! PLEASE ABC.......no "Dancing with the Stars" for this bachelor!!!!

  12. I love the pigeon comment, that was funny. First time my husband saw Meghan he called her Mangan :-)

    Belinda, Ontario Canada

  13. Just now getting to the comments. My "real job" has been killing me and staying up until 3am on Monday night didn't make yesterday any easier. It's so nice to see new readers and first time commenters. This is going to be a great season. For the record, Brad is not the most exciting guy but he's better in person. He's a decent guy away from the cameras. That doesn't mean I won't pile on while he's in front of them, though. DP

  14. Loved, loved the recap! I laughed so hard at the rabies symptoms. That explains Michelle. She is an embarrassment to my state.

    ~Alli lets us know that she prefers not to sweat because pit stains are not hot. Well, neither are you, Alli, so it doesn’t really matter now does it? ~ Holy crap! I am still laughing at this one.

    And I loved the "hills" comments about Emily. Giant, blindingly white teeth aside, she is gorgeous with or without makeup.

  15. DP,
    As always great post. On Lincee's blog the women were asking how to hide the buldge in his pants when he makes out with one women then moves on to another. I thought since you may have some insight you could share with us! What do you do to keep that in control when you have all these women throwing themselves on you and wanting to make out with you.

    As always, You should apply since Emily will be the next bachelorette. Can't wait until next week! Kim in Nevada

  16. My favorite line: 'The bottom line is that, like Spanx over a set of chubby thighs, good looks can conceal Crazy but they can’t make it go away.' Loved it all - but tears from this one!

    Ann in Denver

  17. Loving the Michelle implosion!
    Loving the first three weeks of blog recaps!
    And from last week's post (?), loving that the new diaper cake requirement at all future meet and greets, should put Dallas at the top of your busy fan schedule!!!

  18. DP-

    Solid as usual. My favorite line from this week was "Emily bums everyone out by sharing her Buddy Holly story and everyone has a good cry." That almost hurt. It's so good I wish I had made it up.

    I was happy Fivehead kept the sign language to a minimum this week. Am I the only one who notices that the talks with her hands WAY TOO MUCH?

    I'm on your side with regard to Emily, how can anyone not like her? Fellow readers, please enlighten me.

    Lastly, don't you think that Michelle is playing her cards perfectly from Brad's perspective? I think he's under her spell and can't smell the crazy juice on her breath.

    Keep up the good work.

  19. kevin, I hate to disagree wtih one of my few male readers, but Brad was through with Michelle after the first episode. She's a crazy keep around that the producers make him pick. Granted, she's hot, but I think he's been sick of her for some time. I'll pay more attention to Fivehead's hands. Good pick up. As far as Emily is concered, perhaps you could attend my next meet and greet and we can arm wrestle to see who gets the right to woo her after Brad picks Chantal. I'm just sayin'. Thanks for reading. DP

  20. OK, so I never comment, but I have been a dedicated reader since Jake's season. I so look forward to your posts, even if I don't get to read them right away! You ALWAYS crack me up! I just have to say that if ABC forces one more movie/music video/calendar/commercial taping I'm going to have to fast forward on my DVR. I just can't take it anymore! It's so annoying and awkward! Are people really going to give blood because the bachelor/ettes made a commercial?
    Anywhoooooooo ;)
    Loved the spankx, section 8 housing, and first date fart hold comments!

    Looking forward to next week's recap!

  21. Ok DP, let us know next time you're in California.

    As far as Michelle, I just don't see it. I'm going to keep a closer eye on the two and see if I can pick it out his attitude. Can we start a campaign to have meals sent to Michelle's house on a weekly or daily basis? We could just slide them under the door. Anyone know where she lives?

    How many dates have Emily and Brad been on? The Third Date Crazy may be preparing to rear its ugly head, as much as I'd hate to see it happen.

  22. There is more good stuff coming with Manic Michelle before we can say good-bye to that chickie.
    Love how Emily tongue-tied our boy and knocked him on his keester. That lad is smitten. The question will be: can he reel her in?
    If they don't move this story beyond dead dads and snivelling Susies, I am heading for the remote. Lets get the show on the road.
    Yup! Our boy Brad is one of the good guys and far more fun and entertaining in real life. He does a great job fencing with interviewers ... why did they leave his personality on the floor of the editing dept? The nice guy has got to be a cover for total boredom.
    Great blog as usual!

  23. LOVED "If this guy was any more calm he’d need Shawntel to fill him full of embalming fluid, put rouge on his cheeks, and paint a smile on his face."
    too funny! And "First Date Fart Hold" almost made me spit my coffee on my keyboard this morning. Note to self: Look away during coffee sips.
    We've all said it before, your blog makes watching Boring Brad worth every second. though I must admit I fast-forwarded through the scene with his therapist. I figure I'd be like the passengers in the plane next to Ted Stryker on "Airplane."
    Clare in NJ

  24. Great recap! As usual. I live in SLC and Michelle was on a local television show claiming 'they' made her look bad in the way they edited the show. Why do all of these 'crazies' say that? I did not detect any voice over work when I was watching the show.

  25. LOVED the recap!! My favorite line ... "I felt like I was in Boob-celona watching the Running of the Sluts. "

  26. My faves:
    "I prayed that the Special Effects Department would give Brad a personality."
    "When a model who thinks she’s a vampire is the most level headed and rational person in the room, it’s time to leave the room."
    Good work, DP!
    Clare 2