Hello, Readers, and welcome back. It is week two of our favorite show and it's time to break out all of our old familiar themes. Yes, with ten dress fillers sent home last week it's now time to sort out the crazy ones and figure out which of the seemingly sane ones are here for the “right reasons." It’s like auction day at the cattle ranch. As sick as I am of the "right reasons" talk and as much as I dreaded that conversation, I think, like the rest of you, I was just glad that I didn't have to hear about Brad’s "three years of intensive therapy."
I was thankful that we didn’t have to listen to some sort of Six Million Dollar Man lead in again. “He’s broken, but we can fix him. We have the therapy.” Incidentally, I found myself wishing they would bring back that show with Brad Womack as Steve Austin and Chris Harrison as Oscar Goldman. Now that I’d sit down and watch. Whoever wins this season could take the Jaime Sommers role and Wes Hayden could score each episode. Jake could be the bad guy and Brad could beat the hell out of him before throwing him off the Hyatt Austin balcony he cried over like a big fairy after ratting out Wes for a fake relationship. I love it. Someone get me the ABC Programming Department.
By the way, does anyone else find it odd that Lindsay Wagner, who played Jaime Sommers in the show, is now the pitch person for Sleepmatic Adjustable Beds? Why in the hell would she need one of those? She’s bionic for crying out loud. Someone get me the Sleepmatic Casting Department.
This Monday came quicker than a bachelorette post-dinner meal purge and I felt myself wondering where the time had gone. Before we begin, this week’s shout out goes to my friend Linnea who had the courtesy to send me a message that she attended a baby shower this weekend and was actually in the presence of a diaper cake. As sad as I am that my name is now inextricably associated with a diaper cake, I was happy and amused to receive the message. Perhaps we can start a tradition. From this day on, I would like to see a diaper cake and every one of my meet and greets. Top that off with a six pack of Lone Star beer and I'd be a happy man. With that out of the way, let's get to it.
The previews this week foretold of more doubt, more unnecessary ball busting, fancy tuxedos, evening gowns, and a couple of broads going nuts. We see Brad in his cargo pants and his black T-shirt and wonder if he's a Navy Seal getting ready to storm Iraqi stronghold in the middle of the night. I was relieved to see he was just strolling on a resort barefoot contemplating the results of his intense therapy.
Brad tells us that he never dreamed he'd be the bachelor again in "a million years." Obviously, it was three years. He also tells us that his second chance “starts today.” Actually, it started at the first ABC casting and production meeting last summer, but who's counting? Details. Yes, viewers, he doesn't mind being seen anywhere with a woman . . . well, except at the altar.
We next cut to the wo-mansion where Chris Harrison ends up after an all-night scotch binge in un-tucked aqua blue oxford shirt, some fancy jeans, and--inexplicably--white driving loafers. Hey, even Michael Jordan had a bad game every now and then. I’m sure Celine Dion misses a note every once in awhile too. White driving loafers?
Ever the professional, Harrison does his job by reiterating the rules and telling us that no rose on a one-on-one date equals a big, fat limousine ride to LAX. Well, after you're forced to drink several cosmos and answer intrusive, personal questions while being driven in circles around Hollywood until the editors are satisfied they can make you look like a fool. Again, details.
Oblivious to his fashion faux paux, the women sport tube tops and suck down mimosas as we get a shot of Madison, the vampire, and her wet hair. To be fair, perhaps she didn't hear the morning alarm through walls of her coffin. There was also a close-up of Emily. Did I mention she's hot? Then the women began to squeal like hogs in a slaughterhouse as Harrison reveals the first date card. On a side note, there was an inordinate amount of squealing this entire episode. I found that odd, yet strangely erotic. Annnyyyyhooooo . . .
Melissa, a poor man's Gwyneth Paltrow, tells us "it's very like imperative" that she gets the first date. If that didn't sound very like stupid enough, she goes on to tell us that she spent a fortune on clothes and she's also quit her lucrative waitress job in Fort Wherever, Florida to be on the show. She's like an anorexic Ali for God’s sake. Did I mention that Emily looked hot in her pink shirt?
The first date card is read. "The road to love is a wild ride." We learn that Ashley H. wins the first date. Eyes roll, jaws clench, and the unchosen women stopped doing their morning Kegels out of sheer disappointment. Ashley H. is “just amazed” that she was selected as her namesake, Ashley S., bemoans her long fall from atop the First Impression Rose totem pole to the chick on the bottom of the pile. I'll give her credit. She seemed genuinely disappointed rather than freaking crazy. That’s a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other girls. We soon find out that there will be plenty of Crazy to go around later in the show. I was thankful that Ashley S. didn’t break it out during the first ten minutes. For the record, I actually like both Ashleys.
Ashley H. leaves to put on her sparkly on the top and frilly on the bottom party dress featuring sparkly shoes and accessories. Anything to draw attention away from that drive in screen of a forehead, I suppose. As Brad arrives in “his” convertible Bentley, Ashley H. finishes covering her fivehead in flesh-toned spackle before making her way downstairs to be greeted by Brad and the wicked, jealous stares of the rest of the harem.
Pleasantries faked, they leave for a drive—at least I think it was a drive. It was so damn dark they might as well have been spelunking for all I knew. Eventually, Brad turns the Bentley off the highway on to a dirt road and Ashley H. pretends to freak out. “Don’t worry, honey,” I said to myself as I took a pull off a fresh Lone Star. “There’s an entire production crew at the end of that road and if there’s not, well, you won’t remember it anyway.”
Ashley’s fivehead wrinkles with doubt as Brad stops the car and heads to the trunk to retrieve his chloroform, favorite shovel, tarp, and his lucky stabbin’ knife. I suppose he also looked for his personality back there. Unfortunately, that’s been M.I.A. for a while. Ashley H. tells us that her dates don’t usually start off at the end of a deserted dirt road with the lights off. “No, but I’ll bet they all end that way,” I thought.
The two walk hand-in-hand through the dark as Ashley H. wonders aloud where they could be going. Fortuitously, she and Brad encounter a giant switch in the middle of the woods and when it's flipped we see a full-sized carnival with rides, clowns, and carnies with no teeth obviously in violation of their parole waiting to run the rides for them. I took comfort in knowing that Ashley H. would be relieved when she discovered that her forehead would easily meet the 42 inch height limit to ride the Ferris wheel.
While Brad and Ashley H. skip around the park like a couple of gay guys on holiday, we cut back to the wo-mansion in the middle of a bathing suit, no makeup powwow and are treated to some more squealing as the group date card arrives. With all that squealing, I expected Burt Reynolds to jump out of the woods with a bow and arrow and shoot a hillbilly in the heart. You’re welcome. You have just been treated to the first Deliverance reference of 2011.
"Let's share something from the heart," the date card reads and all the girls swell with anticipation as the names are read. Keltie, Melissa, Chantal O., Madison, Kimberly, Raichel, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Alli, Shawntel N., Michelle, Lisa, Marissa, and Britt are selected. Of course, everything until now has been window dressing and we’re about to find out why. Cut to Michelle.
In perhaps the most prophetic statement in Bachelor history (Man, I sound like Harrison), Michelle--after telling us for the first of what will be 300 times that it's her birthday--tells us that the group date is "going to drive me crazy . . . guaranteed." Right, it's the date that drove her crazy. In other news, the chicken came before the egg.
I immediately pictured her ex-husband twenty pounds heavier than when he met Michelle sitting alone on a secondhand couch watching the show on an undersized, non-HD ready television in his torn undershirt and boxer shorts in the 700 square foot apartment he now calls home sipping cheap beer from a plastic Big Gulp cup with his feet atop a fold out card table covered in unpaid bills and eviction notices all due to the bath he took during the divorce because Michelle was sleeping with his lawyer and he was ordered to pay a crippling amount of child support for a child that she can’t prove is his. I pictured him laughing a bold, guttural, unabashedly joyful laugh because Brad is the guy who now has to deal with her. Eviction schmiction. Child support, schmild support. He has it made. Good luck, Mr. Bachelor. You think you needed therapy then? Pick her and see if you’re not bashing down that gay therapist’s door inside of a month. Happy Birthday, my ass.
Back to the Carnival.
With the Michelle meltdown simmering in the background like a giant pot of rabbit stew, we cut back to the circus where Brad and Ashley H. enter the photo booth for some playful whimsy as they take pictures of each other in various silly poses. That whole scene looked about as natural as a pair of socks on a rooster but Ashley H. did her best to play along. Fivehead aside, she looked very pretty and she seemed fun.
After the tomfoolery in the photo booth, Brad and Ashley H. sit down to dine on one of those big things that elephants dance on when they are stolen from their natural habitat, thrown on a train, and forced to do inane tricks that will eventually compromise their anatomy and lead to an early death. Brad wins Ashley H. a giant teddy bear, which is ironic because I found the entire scene hard to “bear.”
Appearing to squeeze the bunny, Ashley H. starts in with the “I'm an independent woman” talk. She let's Brad know that her dad left at an early age. Showing that all the "intense therapy" was not huge load of garbage, Brad actually opens up about his father as Ashley tries not to grin at accidentally striking gold. Good for you, Ashley H. Good for being honest. Good for not busting his balls. And good for listening to the cues the producers gave you.
Brad presents Ashley H. with the Rose as we all took a sip of our favorite beverage and agreed that she had clearly earned it. Memo to aspiring bachelorettes: THAT’S how it's done on a first date. Memo to all women in general: that's a good way to make most men open up. Sitting back patiently and listening will get you a lot further than sitting forward impatiently and bitching. Nice job, Ashley H. Nice job indeed.
Open the Crazy Flood Gates.
Like the massive wave in the flood scene in The Ten Commandments, the Craziness begins to rage ahead, destroying everything in its path. We see the Captain of the S.S. Whackjob, Michelle, sitting poolside with Raichel—who has obviously had plastic surgery . . . to remove her tusks. They apply the day’s make up while staring meaningfully into their promotional Conair mirrors. Michelle tells us that today is her 30th birthday and we realize, like Clooney and Wahlberg aboard the Andrea Gail, there is indeed a perfect storm ahead.
Could the Producers have planned this any better? Neurotic, controlling, divorced mother of a small child leaves that child and the comfort of her surroundings for 30 days to be thrown in with 20 younger beautiful women that she can’t stand in order to compete for a man she can’t have while she drinks constantly, shares a bathroom with the aforementioned women, and has tons of down time to think about nothing but the end of her 20’s. Bravo, ABC. It really doesn’t get better than that, does it?
Not to be out-crazied, Melissa (the poor man’s Gwyneth Paltrow) tells us that she’s going to “bring it” on her quest for love. She’s not holding back. She repeats; she’s going to “bring it.” Unfortunately, “IT” was crazy, irrational behavior. As we’ll soon find out, putting Melissa and Michelle in the same limo is like putting two of those fighting beta fish in the same bowl. I actually choked on my Lone Star I was so excited. Oh, and Emily looked hot.
All the broads arrive via Hummer limo at the Red Cross as Brad—who is undoubtedly covered in more body oils than an Egyptian mummy—tells us via his “I’m sensitive and I really care” pink shirt that the women will be filming PSA’s for the Red Cross promoting blood donation. I could smell his Axe Body Spray. Michelle and Melissa pictured drawing each other’s blood and Madison sadly had to admit to herself that she was not really a vampire.
Stephanie from the Red Cross, still bitter that her application for the Bachelor made it no further than the nearest ABC trash can, gives us some stats on blood donation as the girls pretend to care and the guy who helped Roz pack her sh*t last season sits in the background. Chantal O. (she’s going to win) gets the “it’s important to give blood line.” Stacey is SO excited. Shawntal hopes someone dies so she can embalm her and Alli is excited with her role as “kind of a virgin” in the upcoming PSA with Brad. Virgin? Where’s Tenley when you need her? Oh yea, she’s in San Diego not having sex with Kiptyn.
The girls get their scripts and not unlike the end of cheerleader tryouts in junior high, some of them begin to cry. Lisa is pregnant, Madison gets an S&M outfit, Keltie is a butch lesbian, Britt is stressed, Melissa has bad skin, and . . . hold the phone and plant a big, sloppy kiss on the guy who decided to put Emily in a French Maid outfit. I felt like Lincee Ray (www.ihategreenbeans.com) as I hit the pause button and admired the beauty of it all. It was like the first time I heard the Beatles or saw the Rockies. If that’s the same guy who decided to cast Michelle, he needs a fat raise.
Speaking of Michelle, she continues to implode like grapes in a wine press because she doesn’t “feel special” as she runs off in her squaw outfit to sulk. Upping the ante, Melissa tips the hand she’s been dealt as she literally runs into a scene to kiss Brad. That kiss might as well have been the kiss that Michael laid on Fredo in the Godfather II. We all knew she’d soon be invited to go fishing alone in a rowboat with one of Harrison’s henchmen. Bad form Melissa and Michelle. Say it with me readers—“Desperate and alone equals Limo ride home.”
I won’t belabor the PSA shoot other than to say it was the standard “let’s fawn over Brad and make the other women jealous” photo shoot we’ve seen in the past. The object was to light the fuses on Michelle and Melissa and it worked. Back at the wo-mansion, Sarah P., Ashley S., and Lindsay opine accurately that Michelle is a six pack short of a case.
Brad is eventually forced by the Producers to go and deal with Michelle’s tantrum as she and her stringy 80’s shirt do an excellent job of reeling in the insanity and saving herself from elimination by default. What was up with that outfit? She looked like Olivia Newton John in Xanadu except without the soft lighting and smoke. Remember, she’s really hot and that along with a plausible “I’m stressing because I’m 30 today” explanation are enough to smooth things over, especially when more drama is about to explode. Did I mention that Emily was still wearing that French Maid outfit?
On a side note, Michelle is the textbook picture of Third Date Crazy. For those of you who are new to the blog, that’s the girl who seems normal the first two times you take her out and then the Crazy explodes like a pus-filled abscess on the third date. Disaster averted, Michelle tells us that when she kisses Brad all else will pale in comparison. “Fireworks will go off,” she claims. Let’s just hope the fireworks go off before you hear the sirens on the padded ambulance they send for you. She’s a hairdresser. That makes me wonder what chemicals are in that blue water they used to sterilize the combs. What a psycho. Incidentally, for those of you who read my “Worst Date Ever” off season post, Bree was also a hairdresser. If it looks like a duck . . .
After Party at the Roosevelt Hotel.
The women wash off the sleeze of the photo shoot and Brad unquestionably takes a cologne bath before they arrive at the rooftop of the Roosevelt hotel for the “after party.” Smart move on the location scout’s part. It’s better to keep the chaos that would ensue far away from the public.
Shawntal wants a rose, but that’s irrelevant. As Brad begins his scripted, insincere toast (would it kill this guy to loosen up a bit?) Michelle immediately grabs him for some alone time to show him her enormous turquoise necklace and fuchsia skirt. It looked like she’d been fishing for perch and had her catch around her neck. Melissa waits patiently in her black sequined top and size negative two white pants.
Michelle drops a “my man” and busts Brad’s balls for having walls in place as the tires begin to come off the bus. We realize that each one of those turquoise rocks on that necklace was a medal for exceptional valor earned by her in the Crazy Navy where she did several tours of duty. “What’s your biggest fear?” she asks Brad. I suppose she meant besides being stabbed in the back by her with a kitchen knife.
In the meantime, Raichel begins to go at it with Melissa and the word “fake” gets bandied about. To be fair to Raichel, I assume the incisions from her tusk removal operation were incredibly sore and in need of Vitamin E. Melissa’s blow out protector was clearly malfunctioning as well.
Back at the wo-mansion the next date card arrives and Sarah P. stresses like a benched all-star waiting to get into the game. “Let’s get our love on track,” the card reads and we learn that Jackie and her underbite earn the last date of the week. Lindsay is discouraged and Sarah P. is upset. They seem nice enough. Someone should have told them what was unfolding at the Roosevelt hotel and they would have realized they were safe.
We return to the Roosevelt Hotel for the obligatory pool scene. We get several shots of Emily in her bikini in order to ease the annoyance of the drama unfolding before our eyes. I’d like to personally thank the camera guy for those shots. Brad eventually caves in to the pressure and slaps a birthday rose into Michelle’s crazy hand in order to shut her up for another week. She proceeds to rub it in the face of the other women. Whatever.
The Final Date
Brad arrives to pick up Jackie in “his” Bentley in a plaid flannel shirt and black jeans. Clearly, it was an outfit Jake had left in wardrobe after last year’s camping trip in the vineyard. She’s not that attractive to me, but I thought she looked very pretty in her red blouse and black pants. She seemed genuinely excited and, as we’d later discover, she really seemed to appreciate the extravagance of the date. I found that refreshing considering that most women will tolerate any man who doesn't fit the bill . . . as long as he picks it up on the way out of the restaurant. She may be a lot of things, but she’s not spoiled.
They head down to Rodeo Drive for a Pretty Woman spa day and shopping spree. The entire date was rather uneventful, but again, Jackie really seemed to enjoy herself; although I’m not sure there was much of a connection with our wooden Bachelor. He did a good job of trying though and as the booze flowed both of them looked more comfortable. To be fair, I suppose it’s not easy to relax with ten people behind the scenes swarming around like flies on watermelon.
Back at the wo-mansion, Emily and her hotness take a small break from the Pre-menstrual Festival in order to don a denim mini skirt and a pink top featuring butterflies and canaries and call her daughter at back home in the magical kingdom she came from. There is no greater pain for a parent than separation from her young child. I have to admit, that moment was very touching . . . and hot. I was immediately stricken by the contrast between Emily and the only other mother in the house, Michelle, who probably left her daughter locked in the laundry room with a video game and a cooler full of lunch meat. Enough about that.
Back on the date, Jackie and Brad arrive at The Peninsula 9882. I found that ironic considering the fact that 9882 is also how crazy Michelle and Melissa are on a scale from 1-10. Brad is in a tux and Jackie looks lovely in her evening gown and updo. She completes her look with an effective early product placement necklace by Neil Lane; proving that Neil won the game of Gin Rummy that he and Harrison played in Tahiti last season.
Brad lets her know that he has “one more surprise” as I took a sip from Lone Star number (Who are we kidding? I lost count before the pool scene). “I hope it’s an orthodontist,” I thought. No such luck. Brad takes her to the Hollywood Bowl for some dinner, psychobabble, and ultimately, the presentation of a well-earned rose. Jackie lets Brad know that she didn’t date in college and he gets a bit judgey.
Memo to Brad: I know you didn’t go to college so you have no frame of reference. Let me share with you what that means. “I didn’t date in college” can mean two things: 1.) I slept with the entire men’s athletic department as well as making the rounds down fraternity row . . .and back; or 2.) I experimented for a few years by batting for the other team. Either way, it’s probably out of her system. Let it go.
Brad and Jackie “dance” to Train and the evening is complete. I’ll give Brad a small amount of credit for his slow dance. At least we didn’t have to endure the box step again. Overall, Jackie handled herself well, looked very pretty all evening, and I was glad that she got the date instead of someone selfish and ungrateful. I don’t think she’ll last through the end, but at least she’s got a memory to take home and she didn’t make a fool of herself making it. Nice job, Jackie.
Cocktail Party . . . or is it the Cock Tail Party?
True to form, Michelle grabs Brad in the middle of his half-assed toast and proceeds to quiz him on his coffee and food proclivities. In contrast, Brad has a one-on-one with Emily and her hot, Southern accent and self-deprecating charm. She knows how hot she is and handles it well. Michelle, on the other hand, is like a grease fire. Oh, and she reminds us for the 300th time that it’s her birthday. She acted like it was her birthday, alright . . . her third birthday. She demonstrated another maxim in my treasure trove of maxims: Just Because I’m Super Hot, Crazy does not mean I’m Not.
Raichel and Melissa begin to go at it some more as Ashley S. throws the “worry about yourself” and “Brad won’t find that attractive” advice upon the deaf ears of Melissa. Michelle actually confides in Madison. How freaking crazy are you when you seek relationship advice from a chick who actually believes so greatly in the fact that she’s a vampire that she had fangs installed in her mouth?
In the meantime, the Producers distract Brad for a one-on-one interview in the production trailer as they monitor the goings on at the party. As soon as the argument reaches a crying, tantrum-throwing fever pitch they cut Brad loose to deal with the carnage. Brilliant. Brad looked so annoyed when he was forced to go comfort a crying, irate, and perhaps coked up Melissa. Now HE’S a therapist? I thought.
More advice to women: Men HATE this sort of thing. Let me illustrate how much. If Emily was one of the girls in this little cat fight, I would cut her loose and send her packing. Men expect women to be emotional at times. We don’t expect a tsunami of unmanageable craziness and we certainly don’t want to get sucked into cleaning up the mess.
Brad dutifully listens to both Raichel and Melissa and we all knew that the call to the limo driver to load their bags had been made. I’m sure Harrison was giggling hysterically in his trailer as he traded bong hits with the intern who heads east of the 105 to buy his weed for him. Damage done, Harrison dons his host suit and heads to the party to set up this week’s “surprise.”
Sans the ubiquitous champagne glass and knife, Harrison brings in Ali and Roberto in order to “help” Brad determine who is there for the “right reasons.” Ali looked terrible. Her hair looked terrible. Her dress looked terrible. When he asked who she was wearing she answered, “clearance.” Roberto looked like Ali made a special exception and let him borrow his testicles for the taping. She didn’t give him the combination to the safe in the walk in closet where they are kept, however.
“Tears are the silent language of grief,” said Oscar Wilde. He should have noted that they are the blatant language of Crazy women as well. Ali and Roberto “interview” the women and—SURPRISE—let Brad know that Emily is Money and Melissa and Raichel are nuts. Chantal O. begrudgingly throws both of them into the crock pot and Brad fumbles around as he presents Emily with the “Roberto thinks your hot but can’t say it directly to me without pissing off Ali” rose. The women “awwwwww” with approval as Emily does her best to hide her angel’s wings beneath her dress. Did I mention that she wore a French Maid outfit earlier in the show?
Harrison dusts off the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife and the rose ceremony commences.
1. Emily (she’s hot)
2. Michelle (she’s crazy and it was her birthday)
3. Jackie (Underbite and all, I liked her this week)
4. Ashley H. (Fivehead aside, she put in a solid performance on the date)
5. Chantal O. (First Rose is Brad’s way of saying she’s going to win)
6. Sarah P. (That’s me! Who’s she?)
7. Alli (no comment)
8. Kimberly (huh?)
9. Shawntel N. (below the radar this week)
10. Stacey (still have no idea who she is)
11. Ashley S. (sporting her green What Would Harrison Do? Bracelet)
12. Madison (I’m starting to like vampires)
13. Lisa (she looked very pretty)
14. Marissa (no comment)
15. Meghan (her Spanx made her dress fit nicely)
16. Lindsay (under the radar)
17. Britt (she hung in there)
In the end, Brad booted Raichel and Melissa sending a clear message that he has no room for that kind of bulls*it. If he wanted that kind of drama he would have picked up someone in his therapy support group. Melissa is in denial even after Brad gives her a cursory hug and a “it was nice to meet you” on her way out the door. He might as well have said, “get the f*ck out of the mansion, you whacko.” Raichel points out that rejection sucks and loses with a bit more class than Melissa. Then again, she’s not going to be alone with those two giant boobs to keep her company. To be fair, I think that Melissa sucked her into her crazy wake and Raichel had no time to come up for air.
Finally, Keltie gets booted and proceeds to say she’d be better off alone after trying every kind of dating. I actually felt sorry for her. Keltie, you’re attractive, fun, and interesting. Relax, keep kicking, and you’ll find someone. Stop trying so hard. You’ll be fine.
Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at an amazing 27 and the Journey count at an anemic 5, we head into next week. Have a solid, drama free week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be at the Hollywood Bowl covered in Axe Body spray being serenaded by Train. DP
I was thankful that we didn’t have to listen to some sort of Six Million Dollar Man lead in again. “He’s broken, but we can fix him. We have the therapy.” Incidentally, I found myself wishing they would bring back that show with Brad Womack as Steve Austin and Chris Harrison as Oscar Goldman. Now that I’d sit down and watch. Whoever wins this season could take the Jaime Sommers role and Wes Hayden could score each episode. Jake could be the bad guy and Brad could beat the hell out of him before throwing him off the Hyatt Austin balcony he cried over like a big fairy after ratting out Wes for a fake relationship. I love it. Someone get me the ABC Programming Department.
By the way, does anyone else find it odd that Lindsay Wagner, who played Jaime Sommers in the show, is now the pitch person for Sleepmatic Adjustable Beds? Why in the hell would she need one of those? She’s bionic for crying out loud. Someone get me the Sleepmatic Casting Department.
This Monday came quicker than a bachelorette post-dinner meal purge and I felt myself wondering where the time had gone. Before we begin, this week’s shout out goes to my friend Linnea who had the courtesy to send me a message that she attended a baby shower this weekend and was actually in the presence of a diaper cake. As sad as I am that my name is now inextricably associated with a diaper cake, I was happy and amused to receive the message. Perhaps we can start a tradition. From this day on, I would like to see a diaper cake and every one of my meet and greets. Top that off with a six pack of Lone Star beer and I'd be a happy man. With that out of the way, let's get to it.
The previews this week foretold of more doubt, more unnecessary ball busting, fancy tuxedos, evening gowns, and a couple of broads going nuts. We see Brad in his cargo pants and his black T-shirt and wonder if he's a Navy Seal getting ready to storm Iraqi stronghold in the middle of the night. I was relieved to see he was just strolling on a resort barefoot contemplating the results of his intense therapy.
Brad tells us that he never dreamed he'd be the bachelor again in "a million years." Obviously, it was three years. He also tells us that his second chance “starts today.” Actually, it started at the first ABC casting and production meeting last summer, but who's counting? Details. Yes, viewers, he doesn't mind being seen anywhere with a woman . . . well, except at the altar.
We next cut to the wo-mansion where Chris Harrison ends up after an all-night scotch binge in un-tucked aqua blue oxford shirt, some fancy jeans, and--inexplicably--white driving loafers. Hey, even Michael Jordan had a bad game every now and then. I’m sure Celine Dion misses a note every once in awhile too. White driving loafers?
Ever the professional, Harrison does his job by reiterating the rules and telling us that no rose on a one-on-one date equals a big, fat limousine ride to LAX. Well, after you're forced to drink several cosmos and answer intrusive, personal questions while being driven in circles around Hollywood until the editors are satisfied they can make you look like a fool. Again, details.
Oblivious to his fashion faux paux, the women sport tube tops and suck down mimosas as we get a shot of Madison, the vampire, and her wet hair. To be fair, perhaps she didn't hear the morning alarm through walls of her coffin. There was also a close-up of Emily. Did I mention she's hot? Then the women began to squeal like hogs in a slaughterhouse as Harrison reveals the first date card. On a side note, there was an inordinate amount of squealing this entire episode. I found that odd, yet strangely erotic. Annnyyyyhooooo . . .
Melissa, a poor man's Gwyneth Paltrow, tells us "it's very like imperative" that she gets the first date. If that didn't sound very like stupid enough, she goes on to tell us that she spent a fortune on clothes and she's also quit her lucrative waitress job in Fort Wherever, Florida to be on the show. She's like an anorexic Ali for God’s sake. Did I mention that Emily looked hot in her pink shirt?
The first date card is read. "The road to love is a wild ride." We learn that Ashley H. wins the first date. Eyes roll, jaws clench, and the unchosen women stopped doing their morning Kegels out of sheer disappointment. Ashley H. is “just amazed” that she was selected as her namesake, Ashley S., bemoans her long fall from atop the First Impression Rose totem pole to the chick on the bottom of the pile. I'll give her credit. She seemed genuinely disappointed rather than freaking crazy. That’s a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other girls. We soon find out that there will be plenty of Crazy to go around later in the show. I was thankful that Ashley S. didn’t break it out during the first ten minutes. For the record, I actually like both Ashleys.
Ashley H. leaves to put on her sparkly on the top and frilly on the bottom party dress featuring sparkly shoes and accessories. Anything to draw attention away from that drive in screen of a forehead, I suppose. As Brad arrives in “his” convertible Bentley, Ashley H. finishes covering her fivehead in flesh-toned spackle before making her way downstairs to be greeted by Brad and the wicked, jealous stares of the rest of the harem.
Pleasantries faked, they leave for a drive—at least I think it was a drive. It was so damn dark they might as well have been spelunking for all I knew. Eventually, Brad turns the Bentley off the highway on to a dirt road and Ashley H. pretends to freak out. “Don’t worry, honey,” I said to myself as I took a pull off a fresh Lone Star. “There’s an entire production crew at the end of that road and if there’s not, well, you won’t remember it anyway.”
Ashley’s fivehead wrinkles with doubt as Brad stops the car and heads to the trunk to retrieve his chloroform, favorite shovel, tarp, and his lucky stabbin’ knife. I suppose he also looked for his personality back there. Unfortunately, that’s been M.I.A. for a while. Ashley H. tells us that her dates don’t usually start off at the end of a deserted dirt road with the lights off. “No, but I’ll bet they all end that way,” I thought.
The two walk hand-in-hand through the dark as Ashley H. wonders aloud where they could be going. Fortuitously, she and Brad encounter a giant switch in the middle of the woods and when it's flipped we see a full-sized carnival with rides, clowns, and carnies with no teeth obviously in violation of their parole waiting to run the rides for them. I took comfort in knowing that Ashley H. would be relieved when she discovered that her forehead would easily meet the 42 inch height limit to ride the Ferris wheel.
While Brad and Ashley H. skip around the park like a couple of gay guys on holiday, we cut back to the wo-mansion in the middle of a bathing suit, no makeup powwow and are treated to some more squealing as the group date card arrives. With all that squealing, I expected Burt Reynolds to jump out of the woods with a bow and arrow and shoot a hillbilly in the heart. You’re welcome. You have just been treated to the first Deliverance reference of 2011.
"Let's share something from the heart," the date card reads and all the girls swell with anticipation as the names are read. Keltie, Melissa, Chantal O., Madison, Kimberly, Raichel, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Alli, Shawntel N., Michelle, Lisa, Marissa, and Britt are selected. Of course, everything until now has been window dressing and we’re about to find out why. Cut to Michelle.
In perhaps the most prophetic statement in Bachelor history (Man, I sound like Harrison), Michelle--after telling us for the first of what will be 300 times that it's her birthday--tells us that the group date is "going to drive me crazy . . . guaranteed." Right, it's the date that drove her crazy. In other news, the chicken came before the egg.
I immediately pictured her ex-husband twenty pounds heavier than when he met Michelle sitting alone on a secondhand couch watching the show on an undersized, non-HD ready television in his torn undershirt and boxer shorts in the 700 square foot apartment he now calls home sipping cheap beer from a plastic Big Gulp cup with his feet atop a fold out card table covered in unpaid bills and eviction notices all due to the bath he took during the divorce because Michelle was sleeping with his lawyer and he was ordered to pay a crippling amount of child support for a child that she can’t prove is his. I pictured him laughing a bold, guttural, unabashedly joyful laugh because Brad is the guy who now has to deal with her. Eviction schmiction. Child support, schmild support. He has it made. Good luck, Mr. Bachelor. You think you needed therapy then? Pick her and see if you’re not bashing down that gay therapist’s door inside of a month. Happy Birthday, my ass.
Back to the Carnival.
With the Michelle meltdown simmering in the background like a giant pot of rabbit stew, we cut back to the circus where Brad and Ashley H. enter the photo booth for some playful whimsy as they take pictures of each other in various silly poses. That whole scene looked about as natural as a pair of socks on a rooster but Ashley H. did her best to play along. Fivehead aside, she looked very pretty and she seemed fun.
After the tomfoolery in the photo booth, Brad and Ashley H. sit down to dine on one of those big things that elephants dance on when they are stolen from their natural habitat, thrown on a train, and forced to do inane tricks that will eventually compromise their anatomy and lead to an early death. Brad wins Ashley H. a giant teddy bear, which is ironic because I found the entire scene hard to “bear.”
Appearing to squeeze the bunny, Ashley H. starts in with the “I'm an independent woman” talk. She let's Brad know that her dad left at an early age. Showing that all the "intense therapy" was not huge load of garbage, Brad actually opens up about his father as Ashley tries not to grin at accidentally striking gold. Good for you, Ashley H. Good for being honest. Good for not busting his balls. And good for listening to the cues the producers gave you.
Brad presents Ashley H. with the Rose as we all took a sip of our favorite beverage and agreed that she had clearly earned it. Memo to aspiring bachelorettes: THAT’S how it's done on a first date. Memo to all women in general: that's a good way to make most men open up. Sitting back patiently and listening will get you a lot further than sitting forward impatiently and bitching. Nice job, Ashley H. Nice job indeed.
Open the Crazy Flood Gates.
Like the massive wave in the flood scene in The Ten Commandments, the Craziness begins to rage ahead, destroying everything in its path. We see the Captain of the S.S. Whackjob, Michelle, sitting poolside with Raichel—who has obviously had plastic surgery . . . to remove her tusks. They apply the day’s make up while staring meaningfully into their promotional Conair mirrors. Michelle tells us that today is her 30th birthday and we realize, like Clooney and Wahlberg aboard the Andrea Gail, there is indeed a perfect storm ahead.
Could the Producers have planned this any better? Neurotic, controlling, divorced mother of a small child leaves that child and the comfort of her surroundings for 30 days to be thrown in with 20 younger beautiful women that she can’t stand in order to compete for a man she can’t have while she drinks constantly, shares a bathroom with the aforementioned women, and has tons of down time to think about nothing but the end of her 20’s. Bravo, ABC. It really doesn’t get better than that, does it?
Not to be out-crazied, Melissa (the poor man’s Gwyneth Paltrow) tells us that she’s going to “bring it” on her quest for love. She’s not holding back. She repeats; she’s going to “bring it.” Unfortunately, “IT” was crazy, irrational behavior. As we’ll soon find out, putting Melissa and Michelle in the same limo is like putting two of those fighting beta fish in the same bowl. I actually choked on my Lone Star I was so excited. Oh, and Emily looked hot.
All the broads arrive via Hummer limo at the Red Cross as Brad—who is undoubtedly covered in more body oils than an Egyptian mummy—tells us via his “I’m sensitive and I really care” pink shirt that the women will be filming PSA’s for the Red Cross promoting blood donation. I could smell his Axe Body Spray. Michelle and Melissa pictured drawing each other’s blood and Madison sadly had to admit to herself that she was not really a vampire.
Stephanie from the Red Cross, still bitter that her application for the Bachelor made it no further than the nearest ABC trash can, gives us some stats on blood donation as the girls pretend to care and the guy who helped Roz pack her sh*t last season sits in the background. Chantal O. (she’s going to win) gets the “it’s important to give blood line.” Stacey is SO excited. Shawntal hopes someone dies so she can embalm her and Alli is excited with her role as “kind of a virgin” in the upcoming PSA with Brad. Virgin? Where’s Tenley when you need her? Oh yea, she’s in San Diego not having sex with Kiptyn.
The girls get their scripts and not unlike the end of cheerleader tryouts in junior high, some of them begin to cry. Lisa is pregnant, Madison gets an S&M outfit, Keltie is a butch lesbian, Britt is stressed, Melissa has bad skin, and . . . hold the phone and plant a big, sloppy kiss on the guy who decided to put Emily in a French Maid outfit. I felt like Lincee Ray (www.ihategreenbeans.com) as I hit the pause button and admired the beauty of it all. It was like the first time I heard the Beatles or saw the Rockies. If that’s the same guy who decided to cast Michelle, he needs a fat raise.
Speaking of Michelle, she continues to implode like grapes in a wine press because she doesn’t “feel special” as she runs off in her squaw outfit to sulk. Upping the ante, Melissa tips the hand she’s been dealt as she literally runs into a scene to kiss Brad. That kiss might as well have been the kiss that Michael laid on Fredo in the Godfather II. We all knew she’d soon be invited to go fishing alone in a rowboat with one of Harrison’s henchmen. Bad form Melissa and Michelle. Say it with me readers—“Desperate and alone equals Limo ride home.”
I won’t belabor the PSA shoot other than to say it was the standard “let’s fawn over Brad and make the other women jealous” photo shoot we’ve seen in the past. The object was to light the fuses on Michelle and Melissa and it worked. Back at the wo-mansion, Sarah P., Ashley S., and Lindsay opine accurately that Michelle is a six pack short of a case.
Brad is eventually forced by the Producers to go and deal with Michelle’s tantrum as she and her stringy 80’s shirt do an excellent job of reeling in the insanity and saving herself from elimination by default. What was up with that outfit? She looked like Olivia Newton John in Xanadu except without the soft lighting and smoke. Remember, she’s really hot and that along with a plausible “I’m stressing because I’m 30 today” explanation are enough to smooth things over, especially when more drama is about to explode. Did I mention that Emily was still wearing that French Maid outfit?
On a side note, Michelle is the textbook picture of Third Date Crazy. For those of you who are new to the blog, that’s the girl who seems normal the first two times you take her out and then the Crazy explodes like a pus-filled abscess on the third date. Disaster averted, Michelle tells us that when she kisses Brad all else will pale in comparison. “Fireworks will go off,” she claims. Let’s just hope the fireworks go off before you hear the sirens on the padded ambulance they send for you. She’s a hairdresser. That makes me wonder what chemicals are in that blue water they used to sterilize the combs. What a psycho. Incidentally, for those of you who read my “Worst Date Ever” off season post, Bree was also a hairdresser. If it looks like a duck . . .
After Party at the Roosevelt Hotel.
The women wash off the sleeze of the photo shoot and Brad unquestionably takes a cologne bath before they arrive at the rooftop of the Roosevelt hotel for the “after party.” Smart move on the location scout’s part. It’s better to keep the chaos that would ensue far away from the public.
Shawntal wants a rose, but that’s irrelevant. As Brad begins his scripted, insincere toast (would it kill this guy to loosen up a bit?) Michelle immediately grabs him for some alone time to show him her enormous turquoise necklace and fuchsia skirt. It looked like she’d been fishing for perch and had her catch around her neck. Melissa waits patiently in her black sequined top and size negative two white pants.
Michelle drops a “my man” and busts Brad’s balls for having walls in place as the tires begin to come off the bus. We realize that each one of those turquoise rocks on that necklace was a medal for exceptional valor earned by her in the Crazy Navy where she did several tours of duty. “What’s your biggest fear?” she asks Brad. I suppose she meant besides being stabbed in the back by her with a kitchen knife.
In the meantime, Raichel begins to go at it with Melissa and the word “fake” gets bandied about. To be fair to Raichel, I assume the incisions from her tusk removal operation were incredibly sore and in need of Vitamin E. Melissa’s blow out protector was clearly malfunctioning as well.
Back at the wo-mansion the next date card arrives and Sarah P. stresses like a benched all-star waiting to get into the game. “Let’s get our love on track,” the card reads and we learn that Jackie and her underbite earn the last date of the week. Lindsay is discouraged and Sarah P. is upset. They seem nice enough. Someone should have told them what was unfolding at the Roosevelt hotel and they would have realized they were safe.
We return to the Roosevelt Hotel for the obligatory pool scene. We get several shots of Emily in her bikini in order to ease the annoyance of the drama unfolding before our eyes. I’d like to personally thank the camera guy for those shots. Brad eventually caves in to the pressure and slaps a birthday rose into Michelle’s crazy hand in order to shut her up for another week. She proceeds to rub it in the face of the other women. Whatever.
The Final Date
Brad arrives to pick up Jackie in “his” Bentley in a plaid flannel shirt and black jeans. Clearly, it was an outfit Jake had left in wardrobe after last year’s camping trip in the vineyard. She’s not that attractive to me, but I thought she looked very pretty in her red blouse and black pants. She seemed genuinely excited and, as we’d later discover, she really seemed to appreciate the extravagance of the date. I found that refreshing considering that most women will tolerate any man who doesn't fit the bill . . . as long as he picks it up on the way out of the restaurant. She may be a lot of things, but she’s not spoiled.
They head down to Rodeo Drive for a Pretty Woman spa day and shopping spree. The entire date was rather uneventful, but again, Jackie really seemed to enjoy herself; although I’m not sure there was much of a connection with our wooden Bachelor. He did a good job of trying though and as the booze flowed both of them looked more comfortable. To be fair, I suppose it’s not easy to relax with ten people behind the scenes swarming around like flies on watermelon.
Back at the wo-mansion, Emily and her hotness take a small break from the Pre-menstrual Festival in order to don a denim mini skirt and a pink top featuring butterflies and canaries and call her daughter at back home in the magical kingdom she came from. There is no greater pain for a parent than separation from her young child. I have to admit, that moment was very touching . . . and hot. I was immediately stricken by the contrast between Emily and the only other mother in the house, Michelle, who probably left her daughter locked in the laundry room with a video game and a cooler full of lunch meat. Enough about that.
Back on the date, Jackie and Brad arrive at The Peninsula 9882. I found that ironic considering the fact that 9882 is also how crazy Michelle and Melissa are on a scale from 1-10. Brad is in a tux and Jackie looks lovely in her evening gown and updo. She completes her look with an effective early product placement necklace by Neil Lane; proving that Neil won the game of Gin Rummy that he and Harrison played in Tahiti last season.
Brad lets her know that he has “one more surprise” as I took a sip from Lone Star number (Who are we kidding? I lost count before the pool scene). “I hope it’s an orthodontist,” I thought. No such luck. Brad takes her to the Hollywood Bowl for some dinner, psychobabble, and ultimately, the presentation of a well-earned rose. Jackie lets Brad know that she didn’t date in college and he gets a bit judgey.
Memo to Brad: I know you didn’t go to college so you have no frame of reference. Let me share with you what that means. “I didn’t date in college” can mean two things: 1.) I slept with the entire men’s athletic department as well as making the rounds down fraternity row . . .and back; or 2.) I experimented for a few years by batting for the other team. Either way, it’s probably out of her system. Let it go.
Brad and Jackie “dance” to Train and the evening is complete. I’ll give Brad a small amount of credit for his slow dance. At least we didn’t have to endure the box step again. Overall, Jackie handled herself well, looked very pretty all evening, and I was glad that she got the date instead of someone selfish and ungrateful. I don’t think she’ll last through the end, but at least she’s got a memory to take home and she didn’t make a fool of herself making it. Nice job, Jackie.
Cocktail Party . . . or is it the Cock Tail Party?
True to form, Michelle grabs Brad in the middle of his half-assed toast and proceeds to quiz him on his coffee and food proclivities. In contrast, Brad has a one-on-one with Emily and her hot, Southern accent and self-deprecating charm. She knows how hot she is and handles it well. Michelle, on the other hand, is like a grease fire. Oh, and she reminds us for the 300th time that it’s her birthday. She acted like it was her birthday, alright . . . her third birthday. She demonstrated another maxim in my treasure trove of maxims: Just Because I’m Super Hot, Crazy does not mean I’m Not.
Raichel and Melissa begin to go at it some more as Ashley S. throws the “worry about yourself” and “Brad won’t find that attractive” advice upon the deaf ears of Melissa. Michelle actually confides in Madison. How freaking crazy are you when you seek relationship advice from a chick who actually believes so greatly in the fact that she’s a vampire that she had fangs installed in her mouth?
In the meantime, the Producers distract Brad for a one-on-one interview in the production trailer as they monitor the goings on at the party. As soon as the argument reaches a crying, tantrum-throwing fever pitch they cut Brad loose to deal with the carnage. Brilliant. Brad looked so annoyed when he was forced to go comfort a crying, irate, and perhaps coked up Melissa. Now HE’S a therapist? I thought.
More advice to women: Men HATE this sort of thing. Let me illustrate how much. If Emily was one of the girls in this little cat fight, I would cut her loose and send her packing. Men expect women to be emotional at times. We don’t expect a tsunami of unmanageable craziness and we certainly don’t want to get sucked into cleaning up the mess.
Brad dutifully listens to both Raichel and Melissa and we all knew that the call to the limo driver to load their bags had been made. I’m sure Harrison was giggling hysterically in his trailer as he traded bong hits with the intern who heads east of the 105 to buy his weed for him. Damage done, Harrison dons his host suit and heads to the party to set up this week’s “surprise.”
Sans the ubiquitous champagne glass and knife, Harrison brings in Ali and Roberto in order to “help” Brad determine who is there for the “right reasons.” Ali looked terrible. Her hair looked terrible. Her dress looked terrible. When he asked who she was wearing she answered, “clearance.” Roberto looked like Ali made a special exception and let him borrow his testicles for the taping. She didn’t give him the combination to the safe in the walk in closet where they are kept, however.
“Tears are the silent language of grief,” said Oscar Wilde. He should have noted that they are the blatant language of Crazy women as well. Ali and Roberto “interview” the women and—SURPRISE—let Brad know that Emily is Money and Melissa and Raichel are nuts. Chantal O. begrudgingly throws both of them into the crock pot and Brad fumbles around as he presents Emily with the “Roberto thinks your hot but can’t say it directly to me without pissing off Ali” rose. The women “awwwwww” with approval as Emily does her best to hide her angel’s wings beneath her dress. Did I mention that she wore a French Maid outfit earlier in the show?
Harrison dusts off the ubiquitous champagne glass and butter knife and the rose ceremony commences.
1. Emily (she’s hot)
2. Michelle (she’s crazy and it was her birthday)
3. Jackie (Underbite and all, I liked her this week)
4. Ashley H. (Fivehead aside, she put in a solid performance on the date)
5. Chantal O. (First Rose is Brad’s way of saying she’s going to win)
6. Sarah P. (That’s me! Who’s she?)
7. Alli (no comment)
8. Kimberly (huh?)
9. Shawntel N. (below the radar this week)
10. Stacey (still have no idea who she is)
11. Ashley S. (sporting her green What Would Harrison Do? Bracelet)
12. Madison (I’m starting to like vampires)
13. Lisa (she looked very pretty)
14. Marissa (no comment)
15. Meghan (her Spanx made her dress fit nicely)
16. Lindsay (under the radar)
17. Britt (she hung in there)
In the end, Brad booted Raichel and Melissa sending a clear message that he has no room for that kind of bulls*it. If he wanted that kind of drama he would have picked up someone in his therapy support group. Melissa is in denial even after Brad gives her a cursory hug and a “it was nice to meet you” on her way out the door. He might as well have said, “get the f*ck out of the mansion, you whacko.” Raichel points out that rejection sucks and loses with a bit more class than Melissa. Then again, she’s not going to be alone with those two giant boobs to keep her company. To be fair, I think that Melissa sucked her into her crazy wake and Raichel had no time to come up for air.
Finally, Keltie gets booted and proceeds to say she’d be better off alone after trying every kind of dating. I actually felt sorry for her. Keltie, you’re attractive, fun, and interesting. Relax, keep kicking, and you’ll find someone. Stop trying so hard. You’ll be fine.
Well, there it is. With the Amazing count at an amazing 27 and the Journey count at an anemic 5, we head into next week. Have a solid, drama free week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be at the Hollywood Bowl covered in Axe Body spray being serenaded by Train. DP
For some reason, the line about medals of valor in the Crazy Navy made me laugh the hardest! I'm laughing again as I type this!
ReplyDeleteI usually think you're spot on in your physical assessment of the "ladies", but while I hated Ali's dress, I actually didn't mind her hair. It appeared to actually be all her own hair rather than the heinous yellow extensions we were forced to look at all last season.
I felt a little bad for Keltie too, though I also rolled my eyes. She's 28 years old and she's giving up on love? Please.
Well done recap, as always!
I can attest that I gave a little "awww" when Keltie was leaving. Sucks she had to be booted with the 2 whack jobs. Oh well... back to making Chicken noodle soup!
ReplyDeleteGood recap. I, myself, found it funny when Ashley the southern nanny was trying to deal with the crazies at the cock-tail party. She used the same routine I used when my daughter was younger--firm hand on the arm, make and keep eye contact, saying "SETTLE DOWN" while trying to implore the kid to get ahold of herself. It actually made me think, I bet she's a halfway decent nanny!
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed at the lines that bring the most laughter. As for having a nanny or two in the mix, that's a good point, melanie. What a mess some of these women are. Keltie will be fine. She just needs to stop hanging out with the theater crowd and her odds of finding a man who's interested will rise expoentially. I liked her. DP
ReplyDeleteI don't get the Emily love. She looks like a fake plastic barbie. Do guys really go for the botoxed, tanned, bleach blonde look beyond spring break?
ReplyDeleteJackie and Britt are lovely looking natural girls next door. I sure hope they get the boot soon. I always hope for the few normal nice girls that slip through casting to get out of there, rather than get mixed up in this degrading franchise.
Despite my ranting, I still find you hilarious! Keep up the good work.
anonymous, please take everything you see here with a giant grain of salt. I'm frankly prefer non-blonde natural types myself, but it's fun to dream a little, isn't it? I don't find Jackie attractive, but like I said, she looked good last night. My jury is still out on Britt. Lisa's pretty, but she needs to talk every now and then. Thanks for reading! DP
ReplyDeleteOnce again - great recap. My office mates and I questioned each other on what is in our fridge and which type of coffee is better...
ReplyDeleteGreat times!
-Post It Girl
Wow, I loved reading the bit about what Melissa's ex-husband was doing while watching her on tv! I was cracking up. This week's recap was such a hoot. Well done, DP. I was not into Keltie's meltdown. She's what, 22? Quit trying so hard and things will work out. I still like Emily the best, but she seemed to be wearing an awful lot of make-up this week. Anyway, loved it!
ReplyDeleteI actually saw someone comment on a friend's facebook page last night that Melissa was the "poor man's Gwyneth Paltrow". Spot on. Love the Deliverance reference.
ReplyDelete"...probably left her daughter locked in the laundry room with a video game and a cooler full of lunch meat."
ReplyDeleteBwah!
"No rose on a one-on-one date equals a big, fat limousine ride to LAX. Well, after you're forced to drink several cosmos and answer intrusive, personal questions while being driven in circles around Hollywood until the editors are satisfied they can make you look like a fool."
ReplyDeleteDP, this was my favorite!
Thanks,
Clare #2
Oh, and any thoughts about Keltie's weird chain crown thingy? I thought she was cute but she looked like a cinnamon roll in that.
ReplyDeleteLove the Recap-You had me laughing at hello!
ReplyDeleteThere is really nothing I can point out that I loved more than anything else it was all great, so thank you for taking the time to entertain us.
All incredible references aside, the country girl in me died at the "It looked like she’d been fishing for perch and had her catch around her neck." hysterical. and FYI your ahem "model" photo is in perfect view on Lincee's fridge in her TV squad Skype recap :)
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThanks for another great post. I just thought you might be interested to know that Crazy Michelle is also an actress in locally produced movie productions. A movie will be released in Utah on February 4 titled "Midway to Heaven" See link: http://www.midwaytoheavenmovie.com/
ReplyDeleteAlso Michelle Money is crazy!!! Everyone in Utah knows it. Just google Michelle Money. She had an affair with former Utah Jazz player Carlos Boozer and blackmailed him. Just google Michelle Money and all sorts of stuff will come up. Definately crazy!
ReplyDeletehilarious as usual! My favorite was "It looked like she’d been fishing for perch and had her catch around her neck." because I found all the enormous jewelry they are all wearing to be very distracting. Every season they do these dates where they "act", either for a PSA, or music video, or some kind of movie and it just gets more and more embarrassing to watch. I had one eye covered. My friends and I thought Melissa looked like Gwyneth too - if Gwyneth was a cracked-out pyscho wh*re. On a side note, I'm refraining from drinking for the month of January just to detox a little, and no alcohol makes this show REALLY hard to watch. It goes down a lot easier with a bottle (or box) of wine.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff man. I like the way you break them down, but also the way you give credit where it's due.
ReplyDeleteNice job
Wooden Bachelor is RIGHT, what is wrong with him this time?!?! He's so awkward in EVERYTHING he does! If he agreed to do this to improve his image, I rather liked him much more 2 episodes ago.
ReplyDeleteOh, and haha at locked in the laundry room with a cooler of lunch meat... that one snuck up on me!
I cannot believe I am just now finding this blog!! You, my friend, (can I call you my friend already?!) are HILARIOUS!!!!!! I found you through my girl Lincee's blog. Nice work! You wrote about so many funny details that I was wishing someone would comment on.
ReplyDeleteFor the record: I am a girl, married to a man, but I TOTALLY agree that Emily is HOTTER THAN CRAP. I have a girl crush.
Tears were in my eyes when you wrote that "Michelle probably left her daughter locked in a laundry room with a video game and a cooler full of lunch meat." OMG. I just lost it again. Giggling so hard I can't catch my breath.
Nice work guy in Austin! SOLD! I am now a loyal reader. Thanks for all of the great laughs!
Uh-oh...I have that same necklace that Michelle wore. Can't ever wear that again...
ReplyDeleteI'm sad about Keltie leaving. I really liked her and was totally in love with her ombre hair color!!
I agree about Ali. She looked awful.
I think Britt looks JUST like Brittany, the cheerleader, from Glee.
Just a few of my personal gut-busting lines-
"...unchosen women stopped doing their morning Kegels"
Ashley's "forehead easily meets the 42 inch height limit to ride the Ferris wheel."
"Raichel—who has obviously had plastic surgery . . . to remove her tusks."
Loved this week's post!
Amber
The Woodlands
Great as always! Loved all of the "old" movie references. I was surprised you didn't mention the three way action between Brad, Chantel O, and Britt, where they were swapping spit. Maybe next time. Keep up the enjoyable recaps.
ReplyDeleteDebbie in Selma
DP, as always very enjoyable. You are so funny! I loved your take on the carnival date and what is up with all Michelle's being CRAZY! I am serious you should apply for the Bachelorette next season since it will probably be Emily since everyone seems to love her and she has an underdog story! Kim in Nevada
ReplyDeleteI have not laughed this hard for a while! Love it all. Seriously. No eye rolling this week. Can't see what I am typing through the tears. Thank you for the escape from reality and I will leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteCariss
PS Maybe a new drinking game word can be when Brad says "please". Every time Brad commands the "ladies" by saying "please" I cringe.
I tried to post yesterday and I don't know what happened. Next week I'll be sure not to read this while eating lunch b/c I almost choked about four times (unless there is hot guy on standby to perform the hind-lick)...so anywho, great re-cap. I thank my lucky stars for Lyncee who introduced me to your blog. By the way, you got served...
ReplyDeleteI think you secretly want crazy Michelle to win since you kept saying her name in place of Ashley's when you talked about their date. And yes, Emily is hot...I'm not gay or anything, but I'd hit it:)
Can't wait for the ride on next week's crazy train? Did someone have a b'day this week??
Love the recap! Another word for the counting..."please" for some reason he feels the need to ask please before everything.
ReplyDeletesome guy, you left out my favorite line of the night from Emily, OH you are serious, I just thought you were being a smart ass. Said in her sweet southern drawl she can say things like that and not make the crazies mad. LOL
ReplyDeleteLove Emily, so hope she doesn't end up with Brad, she can do so much better. I also love nanny Ashley. Thought it was hilarious watching her talk down the 2 crazies, could tell she was using all her best nanny skills. I bet she is great with bratty children.
baseballmama, you're the second person to point out that nanny skills come in handy in this environment. That's certainly true. And the southern accent thing is true too. It's a hell of a lot different than insulting someone if you're from the East Coast. To you and all of the new readers/commenters, thank you for reading and commenting. It's so nice to have the new season in full swing. DP
ReplyDeleteDid anyone else think that Keltie's breakdown after getting let go was really her audition tape for the next Bachelorette? Well played, Keltie. Well played.
ReplyDeleteSome guy....so funny as usual. Too many to comment on. I'm a brunette and therefore have always thought that brunettes are way better than blonds. But Emily...if I were a guy, I'd totally be after her too. She's beautiful, gracious and seems like a wonderful mom. You need to go for her, Brad doesn't have a chance. You'll have a ready made family and her daughter will be as darlng as she is. :)
ReplyDeleteMy hero! You made me laugh so hard that I'm barely worried at all that my fave references are to Brad's "lucky stabbling knife" and Deliverance: "With all that squealing, I expected Burt Reynolds to jump out of the woods with a bow and arrow and shoot a hillbilly in the heart. You’re welcome. You are such a comic genuis that even I can see it, even if I can't spell genius properly. Thanks so much for the laughs at the end of a l o n g week! Poor Ned Beatty, I wonder if he regrets that role.
ReplyDeleteFrom your tax attorney pal in DC, squealing all the way.
Maybe I'm behind in the times, but did you know there's a bachelor video game?! Damn that would've made an excellent x-mas gift for my girlfriends!
ReplyDeleteMelissa, CA
DP, as far as Michelle (and numerous other bachelorettes that have gone before her), I think Barney's blog expounds on your maxim- http://www.legen-waitforit.com/barney/2007/10/hot-crazy-scale.html
ReplyDeleteSo, so true. And I'm with you, I also love Emily. Great recap as usual. I'm almost feeling compelled to forego (like that?) my usual wine choice and join you with Lone Star, but I'm afraid the closest I would get is Strongbow. Try not to mock me. :)
You said it. Crazy time again! I like the episodes like this 'cause I enjoy so much reading them.
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