Thursday, December 23, 2010

Off Season Post 13: Twas the Week Before Bachelor

Hello and Happy Holidays everyone! Frankly, I’m not sure any of you will read this prior to Christmas, but I figured I’d give it a shot. In the spirit of the holidays, I’ve decided to begin a new SGIA Blog Tradition. But first, a little background.

A man named Clement Clarke Moore wrote a poem called “A Visit from St. Nicholas" in 1822. It eventually became known by its first line, “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Prior to the story St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, had never been associated with a sleigh or reindeer. The power of the written word is—well---amazing. In tribute to Mr. Moore and his priceless contribution, I have taken the liberty of drafting my own version of the poem in light of the upcoming season of our favorite show. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, after looking at the bios of the women on I’m going to go on record early saying that Ashley S. will be the big winner. With that said, let’s get to it.

Twas the Week Before Bachelor
an adaptation by Some Guy in Austin

Twas the week before Bachelor, when all through the house
The DVR was silent, we talked to our spouse.
The vodka was chilled in the freezer with care,
In hopes that Chris Harrison soon would be there.

The contestants were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of rose ceremonies danced in their heads.
And Some Guy with a bottle and a Lone Star bottle cap,
Wondered how many contestants for sure had the Clap.

When out at the Mansion there arose such a clatter,
Harrison sprang from the strip club to see what was the matter.
Away to the Mansion he flew like a flash,
Jumped a big bar stool and threw a stripper some cash.

The moon on the breasts of the girls on the show
Proved there were some women who could never say no.
When, what to Chris Harrison’s eyes should appear,
But a big fat stretch limo, filled with hussies desperate for beer.

With a freshly pressed sport coat, so Money and slick,
Harrison knew in a moment he’d be getting paid quick.
More rapid than eagles the limos they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Ashley! now, Britnee! now, Keltie and Stacey!
On, Cristy! On, Jackie!, on Lauren and Lacey!
To the top of the porch! to Bachelor’s first ball!
Now drink away! Drink away! Drink away all!"

Lone Star after Lone Star was drunk by Some Guy,
As he plotted to watch with his careful, keen eye.
Then up to the Mansion, a new limo it flew,
With the tray full of roses, and the new Bachelor too.

And then, with a twinkling, it was heard on the floor
The prancing and fawning of each little whore.
Desperate and anxious the girls turned around,
Down the hallway The Bachelor came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fleece, from his head to his boots,
And we wondered if the producers and he remained in cahoots.
A bundle of roses he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a douchebag, with the last name Womack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His ears were perked up as if he’d been listening,
And the girls pictured him naked, his abdominals glistening.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And axed the plain women who then called him a jerk.
As the rose bearing women looked down from their noses,
We heard, “say your goodbyes if you don’t have no roses!”

Harrison sprang to his limo and to the tramps gave a whistle,
And flew to the strip club like a giant love missle.
But I heard him exclaim, when he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all! Tune in Monday Night!"

Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you to all of you for reading all year, especially those of you who stuck it out with me during the off season. Have a wonderful Christmas or whatever other holiday you celebrate. Have a safe and happy new year. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be writing my apology to the descendants of Clement Clarke Moore. DP


  1. How funny that you posted this today because yesterday I had to grade some extra credit assignments my mom gave her kids using this poem.

    Anyway, pure genius, my friend. Pure freaking genius.

  2. Thank you, Mal. It's always nice to see a comment from you. I'd be willing to be that those kids didn't come up with this version. How much extra credit did I earn? DP

  3. Truly are in the wrong profession my and Lincee should write a script, send it to Hollyweird...have the movie made...make millions...(Have a wonderful Holiday. from Paula K...not so anonymous)

  4. Clever! :) Have a very Merry Christmas!

  5. DP, I giggled from beginning to end!!! Job well done. I can't wait to hear more in Jan!!

    Merry Christmas!

  6. Awesome. Merry Christmas!

  7. HIL-FREAKIN'-LARIOUS. Totally a pleasant surprise! My kids won't understand why I keep laughing while reading them the Night Before Christmas story tomorrow night but I'll know:) Thanks for all the effort you put into making our days brighter & have a very Merry Christmas!

  8. DP, you have outdone yourself. This was awesome, hilarious, and oh so clever! I think I will print it to keep for posterity.

    You have kept me laughing this past year, thank you so much for the blogs and your wicked sense of humor.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  9. The prancing and fawning of each little whore ... don't know how I'm gonna keep a straight face tomorrow when I read the book to my 7-year-old!
    I'm going to reread this several times tomorrow to get me through my last day of work in the year 2010!
    Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year's, DP and fellow DP-blog followers!
    Clare from NJ

  10. Holy. Crap. You are a freakin genius!! I cannot stop laughing!

    Wondered how many contestants for sure had the Clap...

    The prancing and fawning of each little whore...

    And he looked like a douchebag, with the last name Womack...

    Those are my favorite lines but really, the whole thing is priceless. Thanks for giving me a distraction as I lay wide awake on an air mattress on my parents' living room floor while my brother snores like a freight train on the couch! Merry Christmas!

  11. Freakin priceless! Your best post EVER! Merry Christmas DP...I can hardly wait for January.

  12. whoops I posted before on the wrong entry - thank you so much for the Festivus gift of your surprise poem. You've brought me so much laughter and also lots to look forward to as you trained us to expect to hear from you on Tuesdays. Whenever you delivered, it was always a pleasure to read. May your days be merry and bright!

    from your fellow atty in DC

  13. Best internet present ever!


    Post It Girl

  14. Belly. Laughs! I agree with Erin, I giggled through the whole thing!

  15. This was great! You are a well rounded guy...decorating, watching the Bachelor, and now writing poems. Someone should scoop you up like ice cream on a hot summer day! Happy New Year!
    Kim in Nevada

  16. merry christmas past and new year to come..i hope you will recieve what you really believe in and all that your pretense will continue to delight and amuse all of us. I want to marry you or is it your fantastic sense of humor i want..or that you have lived on the other side..and come back...i am the eskimo woman who has returned from seeing santa safely home..he gave me his word to stay away for 362 least..**** reality steve says brad choses slap on the face girl for his wifey..thoughts..?

  17. anonymous, I appreciate the fact that you are attracted to my beguiling demeanor. Thanks to Lincee you can also find shirtless pictures of my beguiling physique on line. Either way, it's nice to be appreciated. I don't pay attention to Reality Steve--mine is not a gotcha blog--but he usually has pretty good intel. My bet is on Ashley S. to make the final two. We'll see what happens. Happy New Year! DP

  18. Okay just read your blog post and set my DVR for a series recording. Can't wait for the train wreck to begin. Happy New Year Some Guy!!!

  19. I see you removed the comment that said some of your posts seem misogynistic. I was glad someone noted that. I have thought the same but never mentioned it because in general I do enjoy your humor. But think about it .... there may be something to the comment and your posts would be even greater without the misogynistic flavor. I hope you'll leave this one up . . . . and happy new year, I remain a big fan!

  20. Anonymous, I've taken some time off from reading the comments. I did not see the one that said I was a misogynist. For the record, I've never removed a comment that's been posted on this blog. Everyone is entitled to her opinion. I write what I see and I won't apologize for it. I can't please everyone. The blog and it's insults are all in good fun. Some people will like that, some won't. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read---even those who don't always like what they read. Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you will continue to read this season. HAPPY NEW YEAR. DP

  21. You are AMAZING!! I loved your post!! Can't wait for the new season of your insight. =]

  22. Fan-freaking-tastic! This is truly the highlight of being back at work. Thanks for making my first day back post-holidays...not such crap.

    Looking forward to what is sure to be a tremendous re-cap this week. YAY!