Off Season Post 12: SGIA's Greatest Hits from Jake's Season

Hello Readers and Happy Freaking Holidays! Some Guy is in a jovial mood today and I’ve decided to post a day early. Let’s not get too excited, though. The concept this week is extremely simple. I need to start my Christmas shopping and I’ve got a lot to do between now and Friday.

While looking at my calendar and attempting to accept the reality of my procrastination, it occurred to me that I never go back and read my own work after it’s posted. I entered the Think-It™ world and began clicking on my past entries. It was at that point that I decided to kill two turtle doves with one stone. Like the Eagles, I would publish a greatest hits edition of my work. It’s the perfect time of year for a look back and, like every website I’ve visited today I decided to compile a list of my favorites.

Let me make a few points. As you are all aware, I write the Bachelor(ette) blog from 11pm to 3am every Monday night after the show airs. What you read is literally the first stuff that pops into my head when I watch the show. There is very little, if any, editing that takes place. What you might not be aware of is that because I’m usually a few Lone Stars in the bag and painfully sleep deprived, I often have zero memory of what actually makes it onto the screen in front of me. So reading my past blogs from Jake’s season was like reading someone else’s work for the first time. Weird, huh?

Also, I’ve mentioned before that being “funny” is not a learned skill. Sure, it can be honed and developed, but like singing or drawing, it’s something a person is born with. I learned very early in life that I had the ability to make people laugh and it is the one gift for which I’m most grateful. With that said, it’s interesting to me that I can read my own writing and make myself laugh; not because of my ego or a desire to congratulate myself, but because I write honestly and spontaneously. I think that’s what makes you laugh as well.

In short, when re-reading my entries from Jake’s season which aired from January-March of 2009, I thoroughly enjoyed looking back on what I had created a year ago. Below are some of the lines that made me smile along with some editorial comments in parenthesis. I’m proud of the blog and the effort that I put into it. Thank you all for taking the time to read, comment, email, and share your experiences, laughter, and feedback. You have all made 2010 a creatively interesting and fulfilling year for me. This may sound odd, but I consider all of you my friends. Thank you. I sincerely wish all of you a happy, safe, and relaxing end of the year. Promise me that you will all make at least one person laugh this Holiday Season. When you do, laugh back and enjoy that moment. With that said, let’s get to it. Enjoy DP’s Greatest Hits from Jake’s Season.


“Flying is my art?” Really? The guy is a cargo pilot. That means he flies plane loads full of Chinese junk and rubber dog shit from Dallas to wherever. If that’s art, then this blog is the freaking Mona Lisa. (I never could stand Jake. I actually looked forward to piling on during his season.)

Ed looked semi-drunk and contractually obligated. Jillian looked great in her Ann-Margaret dress but her nose was still big and her Canadian accent was still annoying. By the way, why is Ann-Margaret hyphenated?

For some reason we see Jake shirtless in his backyard with power tools constructing what appears to be a gazebo. A gazebo? Apparently, Jake wants teenagers to have sex in his backyard. Either that or he’s having a bake off for the 4th of July. Odd. (I have no idea why this popped into my head at the sight of a gazebo.)

I can’t stand his Tom Cruise-ish fake charm and stupid “I’m better than you” grin. I hope he picks a crazy one. (I hoped right. Classic.)

Ali—attractive but not too hot. She tells us she’s been dumped for video games and that her ex actually snuck into her roommate’s room to cheat on her while she was sleeping. Hey Ali, you’re bad in bed. Trust me. That’s the problem. Nonetheless, she greets Jake with a peacock feather. Stupid, yes. But props for not going with the flying metaphor. For the intellectuals out there, I’m sure you can appreciate the irony of the peacock being an essentially flightless bird. I’m certain that didn’t dawn on Ali, though. She became the second girl to fall on the first evening when she spirited Jake away for some “private” time. Apparently, someone put too much Everclear in the slut punch. She ripped her dress and laughed it off. It would have been more entertaining if she’d have screamed rape. She also drew the answer of the night when she asked Jake his top priorities. “God, family, friends,” was his answer. What about marriage, you moron? Classic. Despite forgetting her name when it was called, she got a rose. (Our first look at Ali . . . sigh.)

Tenley—We were treated to a montage of her dancing in a bikini on the beach telling us how she toured the world as Cinderella, Belle, and Ariel. God bless her. It’s moments like these when I love this show. The montage was the only thing more gratuitous than Jake’s shower scenes (all 15 of them). However, it was quickly obvious that Tenley’s IQ was only an eightly or a ninely. She was cute and seemed nice—just not bright. Still, she had the nerve to get Jake alone and ask for a kiss. Jake looked horrified. In looking at Jake she might as well have asked him to pee on her. Dude, lighten up—homo. She earned the first impression rose despite giving Jake cooties. Good for you, Tenely.

Vienna—. She’s unemployed, which is odd considering she holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Organization and Communication from the University of Central Florida. Whatever. She tells us that she “loves life.” Translation: I drink a lot and I’ll sleep with anyone. I’ll look forward to seeing her from 1-5 at various auto shows signing her Hooter’s calendar. She got a rose. (Dead solid perfect. I congratulated myself on this one.)

Gia—First of all, that’s a stripper’s name. Strike one. She also had a hair lip (look closely). Strike two. She’s very attractive until she opens her hair lip. She’s what my friends and I would have called a “Dropped French Fry” in high school. It’s kind of dirty, but you’d still eat it. She’ll make it far because Jake’s a tool. Predictably, she got a rose. (Almost, but not quite, DP.)

Michelle—she’s “ready to be a wife.” We quickly find out that she’s nuts with a capital U. Even Ed and Jillian seemed horrified. She was like a better looking, younger version of Kathy Bates in Misery. She’s an Office Manager. Clearly, she manages a Post Office. Jillian characterized her as “emotional.” Right, and the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground. Ed said she was “over sincere.” Translation: she’s off the reservation. She’ll stick around at the producers’ insistence. She got a rose. (Bingo.)

Let’s get to it. Episode two of what I thought was The Bachelor aired on Monday. I say “thought” because it’s quickly turning into Flavor of Love—well, minus the purple hair extensions.

By the way, what is up with that giant helmet? Seriously. Paint that thing white and he might as well be doing a Jack in the Box commercial. You could serve punch out of that thing.

The shirt was unbuttoned just past his testicles. He looked like Tom Jones except without the chest hair, talent, and sex appeal. (Clearly, this was a warm up for DWTS.)

The girls laughed nervously at whatever Jake muttered. He looked about as comfortable as a bastard on Father’s Day. (Solid.)

We again get multiple angle shots of Roslyn’s sizeable bust. I mean those things were big. She could shade a 4 year old at high noon. (Also solid.)

I alluded to this in my last blog and I’ll reiterate it now: Desperation equals Elimination. They should crochet that on a pillow and leave it on Michelle’s bed at the house. She’s out of her mind.

Dude. If Wes Hayden had been selected, every one of those girls—except Michelle—would be pregnant. Watching Jake in action is like watching an ape play with a computer.

Her response to Jake asking her, “how do you like your eggs?” would be “fertilized.” She clearly needs help. I just hope she’s eliminated soon so she can start filming Swimfan II. (Solid Swimfan reference. I wonder if any of you got it.)

Tenley is confident. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” Then again, she probably doesn’t know the meaning of a lot words, but I digress.

Maxim number two, Michelle: Desperate and Alone equals Limo Ride Home.

What does it say about Jake when the hottest girl in the mix is lured away by a production guy in black jean shorts and a Che Gueverra t-shirt holding a microphone on a stick? I’ll tell you what it says: Everything. Dude, you just got c*ck blocked by a guy in the production crew. (This was one of my favorite stories of the season. I still smile when I think about Jake whining about Roz going for the Producer.)

It just goes to show that nothing trumps fat, dumpy, and middle-aged quite like the word “Producer” after your name. Nice job, pal. They should double his unemployment check for hooking up with a woman that far out of his league. (Amen)

Jake proved himself to be a word that starts with a “P,” and it’s not “Pilot.” Adventure date, my ass. (Double Amen.)

Michelle takes center stage and the bus leaves the mansion for an on time arrival at the intersection of Crazy Street and Desperation Drive.

As the helicopter shows up Vienna shows us her long face. Oh, and she seemed sad too. (I was kinda mean, wasn’t I?)

I’ll give Vienna credit for trying. No good deed goes unpunished. When she gets a big fat engagement ring in a few weeks she can use it to deflect the insults and negativity hurled her way by the Jealous Janes in the house. That’s right. She’s going to win. (Psychic, I tell you. Psychic.)

Gia finally shows how high maintenance she is by telling us she’s never been on an RV but really hopes it has a good shower. To be fair, I’m sure Gia is used to showering after she rides something for a long time. (I love this one.)

Jake goes in search of Tenley to “find out where her heart is?” What does that even mean? I’ll tell you where it is, you asexual tool, it’s right under her left breast, which is right next to her right breast. Check those out, would you. For God’s sake. (I love this one too.)

He’s sent more women packing than The Indian Removal Act of 1830 (see, Trail of Tears); most of them without a rose ceremony. (Obscure, but I impressed myself at the junior high History class recall.)

I can just see Harrison in his trailer with his necktie loosened and a bottle of gin in one hand getting ready to break out the blow and party with some strippers when the knock on the door comes. “Uh, Jake is crying. He wants to talk to you.” (Perhaps my favorite Jake moment of all time.)

God bless whoever got the task of getting this guy to look macho. Jake is the type of guy who is allergic to his own allergy medicine.

“How about this, Mr. Harrison, you don’t have to make the trip to San Fran this week? We’re really sorry about the mix up.”

“You’re damn right you are.” Harrison—1, Producers—0.

For the Tenthly time we hear the ex-husband cheated on me story and we wonder where her heart really is—well, I didn’t. I was too busy thinking about other stuff, but Jake appeared to be wondering.

We learn that they are going to Chinatown on their date. What? What a ripoff. If Tenley wanted to see a bunch of Asians argue with each other she could have stayed at the hotel and rented Joy Luck Club. (The Asian Steel Magnolias.)

Tenley looked as if she was going burst out in laughter, and we learn that “cheating is a choice.” Unfortunately, a lack of personality isn’t.

In the dirtiest thing said on this show since Channy’s “you can land your plane on my landing strip” line, Gia looks Vienna squarely in the face and says, “you can eat my salmon.” Hey now.

Vienna has probably been on her back more than Michaelangelo. (Yup, I was mean.)

Ali and her caboose get the last one-on-one date and she emerges from her Medusa-like trance. She’s what we used to call “Chicago hot:” great face, large ass.

Yea Ali, I’m sure it’s really difficult to find a sensitive man who loves floral arrangements in downtown San Francisco. To be fair, all of those men already have boyfriends and—thanks to the tireless work of some folks in the Castro—some of them already have hunky husbands like Jake. (I speak the truth.)

He doesn’t let the sun go down without resolving a problem. The other guy didn’t let the sun go down without hooking up with one of Gia’s friends. I found the difference in philosophy fascinating.

Great advice, Mom. I’m sure that will comfort Gia next week when she gets booted like an illegally parked car.

The conversation is about as forced as a post-surgical bowel movement. (Disgusting, but it was an accurate description.)

We learn that her ex-husband—who took more of a beating on the show than Rhianna on Grammy night—just didn’t appreciate her dancing. (Ouch)

In an attempt to one up Gia for her “you can eat my salmon” comment, Vienna asks Jake “have you ever eaten beaver tail?” Jake responds that he has but we all know that’s not true.

Frankly, that was weird but not as weird as when Vienna sees her father and greets him like her prom date after a half a bottle of Boone’s Farm.

Ah yes, there’s nothing like a quaint Caribbean island that was once a stop over on the slave trade where thousands of men were stolen from their African homeland, stripped from their families, strapped into the hull of a ship, and transported thousands of miles across the ocean to be sold as chattel. (Cynical.)

By the way, was there a pilot in the Village People? If not, there should have been. Seeing Jake in his pilot uniform made me realize he would make a good Village Person. (Again, I speak the truth.)

Look, if this guy wants to put his starter home and gazebo at risk by marrying a 23 year old Hooters waitress with a bitter, broke ex-husband and an unhealthy attraction to her own father, so be it. It’s not like he wasn’t warned. (This might be my all time favorite line from Jake’s season.)

Oh, and by the way, I nailed Vienna’s Hooters waitress status in my first episode blog. I’m not sure if the fact that I can pick a Hooters waitress out of a crowd of 25 women is a good thing or if it’s pathetic. What matters is that I was right. After all, life is about the small victories, isn’t it?

Apparently, her job selling ad space for Facebook was not the answer to everything. Go figure. Incidentally, it looked to me like she had plenty of time to brood in the shadows of various San Francisco landmarks. So much for the demands of the office. (I wonder if she has a job in San Diego.)

Getting the first of the three fantasy dates is like being the fat, injured guy in the Donner Party. (So true.)

She tells Jake that she’s never met guy as deep as him. Considering the fact that she’s from New York and that the dating pool consists of guys like Pauly D and The Situation from Jersey Shore, I actually believed her.

Gia looked stunning in her black bikini with pearl straps around her neck. The suit was fitting considering the fact that Jake was not about to give her a pearl necklace. You know, because he already bought her a necklace that day. (Sometimes I work a little blue.)

Jake and Vienna climb to the top of his mast and we get some incredibly shameless shots of Vienna’s crows nest.

I take comfort in knowing that if she and Jake don’t work out, she always has the security of returning to Florida to work at Hooters or in the meth lab her parents run out of the swamp they live in.

We all begin to wonder if the Denton Hooters accepts transfers and offers a relocation package.

I’m sure his intern gave him his talking points over a rum runner and a big fatty at the local St. Lucia strip club. (Harrison is a hero of mine.)

Jake is confused. . . again. Frankly, he’s confused more than Tenley is divorced.

Harrison enters to the deafening cheers of an all female audience—all of whom are undoubtedly disappointed that the online application they filled out for ABC in order to get on the Bachelor was not accepted.

Some fat guy with a wife and a propensity to sneak around rented mansions in the middle of the night just took you to school. It’s a good thing they fired that guy. He might have made a run through the entire cast—including Jake.

I really think Harrison should wear some kind of flashy jacket for these shows; either that or a cape.

Their “charity” consists of forcing chubby, indifferent Hispanic children to paint murals on lifeguard stands to be placed on L.A. beaches so thin, athletic white children can enjoy them after the Hispanic kids are bussed back to East L.A. Having Mexican kids spray paint things. Is there really a shortage of that in L.A.?

Harrison pretends to like the meaningless banter and introduces the next segment with an unbelievable misstatement of fact by referring to the panel as “well-adjusted women.” Right. Well-adjusted. The only things well-adjusted on that stage were the soft lighting and Gia’s nose.

Oh my. I’m certain that guy’s soon-to-be-ex-wife’s lawyer hit rewind on his DVR before refilling his single malt scotch and giggling to himself.

Incidentally, I believe I read somewhere that Pope Benedict XVI was seriously considering granting Tenley an annulment. Apparently, he’s sick of hearing about her divorce too. (I love the thought of the Pope knowing about Tenley. She should dance for him.)

In a stunning Darwinian moment, Jake’s dad immediately begins to cry, proving that the pussy gene is indeed hereditary. (Who knew?)

Jake’s mom asks “is this the one that everyone hated?” and Jake realizes that Vienna is going to have to climb Everest in order to please Mommy Dearest. We pray that Vienna has not made the mistake of hanging her evening dress on a wire coat hanger. (Nothing quite like a Joan Crawford reference to set the mood.)

Tenely arrives appropriately in a white car looking newly virginal and stunning in her hot pink sun dress schlepping a large bouquet of the local flora purchased by a staff member in order to lure the bees away from Jake’s mother’s Heath Ledger perm.

Tenley loaded the bases and then hit the ball out of the park. Frankly, I was shocked at how well it went. She made Snow White look like a whore.

Vienna, who has been repeatedly sacked and pillaged by a series of foreign invaders and is now well-known for her ability to handle large, elaborate balls . . . oh wait, that’s Vienna, Austria. Honest mistake. (I like this one too.)

Vienna arrives the following day to meet the family dressed in an innocent white dress. Frankly, that’s like putting a silk hat on a pig, but at least she cared enough to pretend.

Jake’s mom offers a fake greeting in her orange tank top and black dress. She was obviously still upset that a house fell on her sister. (Nothing is complete without a Wizard of Oz reference.)

However, it is clear that she will never become a teacher. She can’t keep her pupils straight. Alright, that’s a mean cross-eyed joke and I usually don’t tend to attack immutable characteristics. But, since it’s the big finale and all, I figured I’d give it a run. Sorry, Vienna . . . sort of.

Mom makes it clear that she f*cking hates Vienna and the in-laws do their best to let Vienna know that they don’t ever want to be forced to spend Christmas with her.

Jake could fall into a barrel full of boobs and come out sucking his thumb. (A friend’s father used to say that. I’m happy I finally got to use it.)

They coat each other in mud presumably in fear of being attacked by Predator and eventually retire to the hotel where Vienna offers up a poorly written cliché of a note secured by the wedding ring her father gave her when she married him a few years back.

Again evidencing her commitment to the show, Tenley presents Jake with an extremely thoughtful gift book and frame of pictures and forget-me-nots that makes Vienna’s hastily written note look like a bucket of feces before throwing all caution to the wind and letting Jake know that she’s his for the taking. To be fair, she realized that her only hope was to jump right into the pigsty with Vienna. Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Jake showers and puts on a purple blouse in order to meet with the highest bidding ring sponsor, Neil Lane, in order to select two diamonds befitting each potential Mrs. Denton Housewife. Jake tells us that “a ring is a promise between two people.” Yea, and it’s also a huge cash layout for something that can be pawned in the event of a break up or the need for more plastic surgery. Ask Vienna’s ex-husband.

Vienna spackles her face and Bondoes her eyelids while bluebirds and rabbits from the Enchanted Forest delicately assist Tenley in putting on her dress over a symphony of whistles.

In lieu of a giant ape, Harrison takes a break from playing shuffleboard and downing screwdrivers at the local resort and arrives just in time to escort Tenley to her demise.

Jake cries and eventually escorts her back to the able emotional safety net that is Chris Harrison and he cries on that giant balcony prior to composing himself in anticipation of throwing the rest of his life into a swamp. We could almost hear Jake’s mother’s arteries hardening.

Vienna arrives in the slutcopter, uses I as a possessive pronoun again, and refers to Jake as her Prince Charming. Jake returns the trinket wedding ring that Vienna’s father gave her and confirms that she and her father are, in fact, divorced before dropping to one knee and ignoring the millions of people screaming at their televisions and choking on their chips and queso in order to propose to Vienna. Vienna uncrosses her eyes for a moment in order to inspect the new hardware and some legal secretary in a Denton divorce lawyer’s office began to type In the Matter of the Marriage of Jake Pavelka, Petitioner v. Vienna Girardi a/k/a Vienna Pavelka, Respondent filed in the District Court of Denton County, Texas, in anticipation of handling the divorce. (Sadly, this never occurred.)

Harrison sets up Tenley’s impending arrival in order to allow Tenley the closure she’s probably no longer seeking but contractually obligated to find.

The cast members of Dancing with the Stars are all women who have appeared nude at one point or another in their careers. This begs the question: Why wasn’t Vienna asked instead of Jake? (I’m thankful Jake wasn’t nude.)

Jake assures Tenely that he was looking for the “magical spark” while they were going through their “journey.” Tenley awaits, patiently listening, but confesses that she clearly doesn’t get the “lack of physical connection” thing and asks Jake for a clarification. “Hey Tenley, Vienna puts out. You don’t,” I screamed at the TV while Jake fumbled around saying that she didn’t have some “intangible, unexplainable thing.” Intangible, unexplainable thing? Yea, loose morals. Come on, Jake. Call a tramp a tramp. To be fair, Jake is used to having satisfying and prolonged sexual experiences. The only difference is that now he has a partner.

My prediction is that Vienna will get tired of him and dump him after several plastic surgeries and a failed attempt at a career in television. I think he chose incorrectly. He made his bed and it’s only a matter of time before he discovers Vienna and another man lying in it without him. (I suppose I was close on this one. Sort of.)

When asked about his attraction to Vienna, Jake actually drops “Vienna is my baby” and the Are-You-F*cking-Kidding Me look on Harrison’s face was priceless.

I’ve seen people with eyes like Vienna before but I had to pay admission and walk into a giant tent first. Vienna finally dyed her roots, which is a shame because it is apparent that she was once dark and pretty—when it got dark outside, she was pretty.

Unlike Tenley, Vienna did not look virginal. In fact, she looked more like a Minneapolis freeway in December—like she gets plowed a lot.

Well, that’s it. My favorite lines from Jake’s season. I’ll try and do them from Ali’s season for the next post. We’re just THREE short weeks away from the big Bachelor premier. You’ll have my take on Womack and a story or two about holiday cheer before that. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! We’ll talk soon. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be warming my cockles. DP