Here we are. Episode three. Before I start, I wanted to thank those of you who commented last week either on the site or via email. I write this blog in the middle of the night and it’s not uncommon for me to wonder if anyone actually reads it. I appreciate the feedback. Keep it coming. For those of you who may be new to the Bachelorette, this is about the time in the season where the front runners begin to emerge and the suit fillers are sent packing. This week’s lead in promised some tightrope walking, music video shooting, and sensitive wrestler bashing. Let’s get to it.
The show opens as it always does, with an aerial view of the testosterone-filled mansion at sunrise. Harrison makes an early appearance, presumably on his way home from a night out in LA, dressed in jeans, driving loafers and an untucked striped blue oxford shirt with some fancy pseudo-military shoulder things on it. I assumed that they were there in order to give LA strippers a place to put their phone numbers.
The men enter the living room and we see that board shorts have taken the place of Seven jeans and mimosas have yielded to water bottles. Weathered t-shirts complete this week’s morning uniform as we envision Marketing Reps from the aforementioned water bottle, board short, and weathered t-shirt companies sitting on their respective couches with smiles on their faces wallowing in their successful product pitches to the show’s producers.
Harrison—as always--sets up the week by letting the boys know that there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates. In what proves to be an unbelievably transparent set up, Harrison encourages the men to seek out individual time with Ali. He drops the date card and heads out to catch his ride and finish his bloody mary before crashing in his hotel room until the rose ceremony.
Craig R. takes a well-needed breather from whining about everything and assumes the duties as the Official Date Card Reader of the week. As he reads the name “Roberto” we see the air literally sucked out of the sails of the other men. You could almost hear the crack of the metaphorical bat when they announced the date. Home run. “Love is a Balancing Act,” the card reads. Roberto and his dimples make a classy acknowledgement of his coveted position and he retires to the changing room to dress for the date and admire his cleft chin in the mirror. They should just give this guy the final rose right now. He’s miles ahead of the competition. Giving Roberto a one-on-one date with Ali is like giving Hemmingway a bottle of scotch and a typewriter. The guy is as smooth as silver tequila. Provided he’s not the one with the girlfriend he’s going to be tough to beat. John C. from Ipsa-something, Michigan pokes his head out from the nether regions of obscurity and tells us that he’s worried about Roberto getting alone time with Ali. Yea, well Captain Smith was worried about that big iceberg in front of the Titanic, but it didn’t stop it from sinking the boat.
Roberto musks up and puts on one of Jake’s leftover plaid shirts from last season’s “camping” trip and Ali arrives in her unmarked Audi, proving that Germans don’t have much use for dating shows. I suppose that’s why it’s not called Der Frauline-ette . I digress.
Ali enters the Macho Cave in her royal blue, sleeveless, off-the-shoulder blouse, shows off her left shoulder, and tells us (unconvincingly, by the way) that she has a picture of who Roberto is but just wants to make sure it’s true. Give me a break. She giggles and squirms around like she’s got a mouse in her pants every time the guy cracks a smile. Her Jackie-O sunglasses couldn’t hide the anticipation. Roberto—well aware of the ammunition in his arsenal—opts for a quick hug and a “you look good” as opposed to the usual grab Ali like a rag doll and spin her until she pukes greeting. The guy is in his own league. Some unfunny small talk is made by the shirtless contingent of the guys—perhaps about board shorts—and the helicopter arrives to whisk Roberto and Ali away on their date. Craig R. resumes his role as this season’s whiner and complains about it. Ali, Roberto, and his dimples leave the board short party on the helicopter and Ali again pretends like she’s still afraid to fly. Right. Just like she loved to work at Facebook. Roberto plays along and uses the opportunity to comfort Ali as they fly to their destination.
Seriously, could Harrison have teed this one up any better for Roberto? After watching it even I wanted to take a helicopter ride with the guy. I’d pretend to love my fake job be afraid of flying too if only Roberto would comfort me.
Looking at the vast expanse before them Ali wonders what’s better looking: the vast expanse or Roberto. The mountains aren’t bilingual with dimples, Ali. The answer is Roberto. Roberto continues to comfort Ali by offering her some candy he took from a baby and some fish he shot in a barrel. She finds Roberto “protective and manly” and is confident that their impending tightrope walk between two nameless LA office buildings will be easy with him by her side. Roberto is excited about the “dangerous” walk. Note to Jake: THAT’S how you handle a date involving heights. You don’t hyperventilate and cry like a fairy when they tell you what you’re going to be doing.
Back at the MAN-sion. The guys eat burgers and bond. Jesse and Short Steve bond as do Justin and the Weatherman who finally gets a chance to show off the white sunglasses he got to match last week’s jacket.
After donning camera helmets and getting chained in with giant, redundant safety chains apparently left over on the movie lot from when they captured King Kong, Roberto and Ali begin their tightrope walk and Roberto continues to be manly and protective. “Are you ready to fall for me?” she playfully asks as Roberto fends off the canned line with his dashing smile and cleft chin. Roberto continues his stroll to the top of the heap by stopping Ali for a mid-air first kiss before finishing the walk and getting ready for the rooftop dinner. Suck on that, guys at the house.
After sucking on Roberto’s domination, the guys at the house ponder their fate. John C. makes a rare appearance, we get the usual two second shot of Craig N. (who might actually be Justin Bieber’s father) just to let us know he’s still there, and Chris L. lets us know that he jonesing for a date. Keep in mind that he still has the deceased mother story bullet in the chamber. Snail mail comes and we learn that Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Weatherman, Craig R., Justin, Chris L., and Jesse have been invited to rock Ali’s world. Kasey (tick, tick, tick) laments the lack of his selection and goes into the house to tuck in front of the mirror and gently pet his dog Precious. We hear him ticking as he leaves.
Roberto continues to score points at the rooftop dinner by pulling out the gun he brought to the knife fight as he subtly drops some Spanish before the meal. “Are you like completely fluent in Spanish?” Ali asks, clearly mesmerized. She actually looked really pretty at dinner. I suppose it was the giant smile she couldn’t wipe off her face and the glow caused by exposure to Roberto’s pheromones. “I speak some Italian and some French,” he piles on as Ali begins to wiggle in her chair like a school girl. “You’ve been everywhere,” she squeals. Well, not everywhere.
Next stop, Ali’s pants.
Ali confesses her attraction to Roberto. She’s worried that she’s not pretty enough for him. Frankly, she’s not. A tipsy Ali shows off a skirt so short you could see what she had for dinner, confesses to Roberto that she’s a cuddler, tries out her Spanish, and makes out with Roberto. Roberto gets the rose Ali was hiding in her hair extensions. She might as well have pinned it on his zipper. Anyone interested in going on the show needs to study the tape from this date. It’s a case study in how to bag a Bachelorette. Que bueno, Roberto. Bien trabajo.
Back at the mansion all of the guys wake up, shave their chests, dishevel their hair, and hit the cheese wagon for the group date. The limo drops them off in a “seedy area” where Ali stands waiting in the middle of the street like a hooker in search of 14 tricks. Chris N. emerges in some giant, old person driving slow in the right lane on the freeway sunglasses and hugs Ali before fading back into the background like a stick bug in the forest. We learn that the group is there for a video shoot and hear the band in the background.
The Weatherman pretends to love Barenaked Ladies and then he pretends to love the band too. Kirk lets us know he’s loved the band for 10 years and everyone wooohooos and fake dances to that annoying “it’s been three weeks since you winked at me” song. There’s nothing quite like some crass and shameless cross promotion to get a date going. Craig R. lets us know that he’s happy about the video shoot and then he whines about being happy. Frank sits amazed at the “coincidence” of how the lyrics to the new song mirror what’s actually going on in his life. I began to think that Frank forgot to take his medication this week.
Scripts get passed out for the video and we learn that there’s going to be a lot of kissing. The wheels begin to fall of Frank’s wagon as jealousy begins to eat away at him like rats on a carcass. Oddly enough, he looks sane and together compared to the Weatherman who absolutely loses it over the possibility of kissing Ali on camera in front of people. Wait, isn’t that exactly what happens in a wedding? Craig R. emerges in a disastrous wardrobe choice and speaks. I couldn’t hear him over his shirt, but I assumed he was whining about something.
The guys all take turns groping Ali on camera until we get to the Weatherman’s scene. He’s nervous. When I say nervous, I mean absolutely terrified. Clearly, the Weatherman is neurotic. He makes Woody Allen look like Woody Harrelson. He actually demonstrated that he possesses the Pavelka gene by crying in front of everyone. I actually felt sorry for him. He seems like a nice enough guy, but man, he’s a p*ssy. He eventually gets his scene filmed but regrets the unauthentic nature of the kiss. Frank continues to get eaten by the Green Monster named jealousy as Kirk cashes in his lottery ticket by making the most of his making out in the bed scene with Ali.
After the shoot, Ali and the boys retreat to some rooftop patio for small talk and a few cans of Coors Light. We’re all relieved to know that the beer is cold because we can see the mountains on the cans are blue. Ali grabs Chris L. for some alone time and they stroll off meaningfully to this week’s talking place as we see that Chris L. really needs to have his jeans taken up. Those things would have been too long for Shaq. I half expected him to reveal that his hobby was stilt walking. “Uh, yes, Mr. Sales clerk, I’m looking for something in a weathered denim. Waist 32, Length 62.” As they walk away, Kirk and Frank (both nice guys who I think will go far if they don’t lose it first) engage in some Sex in the City type banter about Ali as the Weatherman looks on clearly preoccupied by the fact that he had to kiss a woman on camera. His boyfriend is going to be pissed.
Chris L. finally and somewhat reluctantly drops the “my mom died and I got a tattoo of her signature on my six pack” story ensuring himself a rose for the week. Frankly, he should have held that story until he felt like he was in danger of going home, but Ali asked about the tattoo. In a move that should have sealed his fate, the Weatherman and another awful jacket choice intrude upon Ali and Chris L.’s seclusion in what proves to be a pathetic attempt to rehabilitate himself after his disastrous attempt to fake an attraction to a woman. “You, uh, wanna go somewhere and have a real first kiss?” he asks. I can only imagine he was referring to the equipment shed behind the football field or maybe the bleachers on the south side of the stadium. Unimpressed, Ali giggles and continues to drink champagne. Craig R. and his crossing guard yellow v-neck sweater interrupt because he’s tired of whining to the camera and prefers to whine to a real person and the Weatherman basks in denial as he mutters some insincere garbage about his “connection” with Ali growing by the minute. Frankly, I didn’t see a connection but then again, she did let him borrow her jacket.
Ali makes a quick change into bikini and stealth sarong number two and Kirk moves in for some hot tub time. Frank begins to melt down like a stick of butter in a warm skillet and we pray that he can keep it together long enough to make it past the rose ceremony or until Kasey implodes. Besides, if Frank had studied prior season’s tape he would realize that the person who gets the first hot tub make out session of the season is guaranteed to come in third. (see Jillian and Reid). Hang in there, Frank. She likes you. Kirk and his rock steady demeanor eventually get the date rose and everyone jumps in the pool.
In the meantime, Hunter, Short Steve, Kasey (tick, tick, tick), and Ty and his giant choker necklace kick it around the MAN-sion waiting for news of the next date. “Home is where the heart is” the date card reads and Hunter is happy to learn that he’s been given the next date. Obviously, like Kirk in the hot tub, Hunter is unaware that the second one-on-one date is virtually a first class ticket back home. Hunter combs his hair and powders his ears in anticipation for the date.
In the contrived move of the week, Justin decides to go rogue and hobbles three miles down the road on crutches to get some quality time with Ali. If you look closely, when he arrives at Ali’s bungalow his cast is clearly on his right foot as opposed to the left. I have to think this is some sort of editing snafu. The producers of the show can’t be that arrogant. Fake injuries aside, Justin shows up with his shirt on inside out with pictures of his parents to show Ali. Although he’s set to catch a ton of macho heat for the move later, I’ll give the guy credit. Sure, there’s bound to be some unspoken rules of engagement like not buying the same dress as a girlfriend or giving your number to one of her ex-boyfriends even though she dated him like years ago and is so over him, but Harrison opened the door and Justin walked through it. He caps off the move with his own version of a deceased parent story and appears to have a rose in the bag. Bravo, Rated R. Bravo.
Hunter and his ears talk to Kasey and his Affliction t-shirt as Ali gives Justin a ride back home in her unmarked Audi. Craig R. whines some more and Hunter admits to being nervous. When Ali finally arrives to pick him up, we realize that the date’s budget is clearly indicative of Ali’s lack of attraction to Hunter. Roberto got a helicopter ride and walked across two buildings. Hunter? Well, he got a green apron and a hamburger. Hell, he didn’t even get ice in his Coke. Sans ukulele, he proved to be insecure and clumsy. He gets the “good guy” speech from Ali and we envision that fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t last season dialing 310-777-7777 on his cell phone to call a cab for Hunter and his ukulele. Nice guy, yes. But giant ears and an aww shucks smile don’t equal dimples and a cleft chin. He’s no Roberto.
Back at the MAN-sion, Kirk and Justin talk in their black shirts and Justin is less than truthful with the guys about his little trip up the road. He should have watched All the President’s Men. It’s never the act that gets you in trouble. It’s the cover up. Justin adds to his impending ostracization (no, that’s not a word, but it works so I’m using it) by celebrating a little too loudly about Hunter’s demise. He’s happy “aboot” Hunter getting thrown “oot” of the “hoose” and caps it all of with a “soooory, Hunter” as the cab arrives to pick up his luggage.
Dear Canada, I really miss you. Please stop ignoring me. Signed, The Letter “U”.
Craig R. whines some more and we begin to see how unattractive he really is. He looks like an overweight Peyton Manning. Seriously, he’s so ugly his mother must have fed him with a slingshot. He annoys me and we can only hope that he annoys Ali enough to get the boot soon so he can go back to Philly and complain.
Ali arrives back at the MAN-sion in a strapless silver gown with a sparkly belt. She’s bustled and ready to keep drinking. Seriously, have we had a bachelorette as routinely tipsy as Ali? If she gave a urine sample, there would be an olive in it. She arrives to the guys in suits. Roberto still doesn’t tighten his tie because he doesn’t need to and Chris N. still doesn’t say sh*t.
Chris L. gets some more face time on the heels of his buzz killer tattoo story and actually reveals to Ali that he took second place in a Las Vegas Flip Cup Tournament. It’s no “I travel the world, speak 4 languages, and play baseball,” but hey, it’s something, right? As Chris L. regales Ali with fascinating flip cup stories, Frank shows up dressed like a cast member from Mad Men and Kirk shows up in an unexplainable mint green shirt he probably borrowed from the Weatherman. They bond. Justin gets some one-on-one time and attempts to head off the “not here for the right reasons” moniker he’s tried so hard to shed. Ali compares him to Vienna and recalls that she used to be as whiney and tattlely as Craig R.
In a too little too late attempt to resurrect his chances for a rose, Short Steve “plans” an impromptu picnic on the front lawn and seals his fate as he struggles against an unmerciful champagne bottle. Ali’s drunk anyway and we know he’s headed home. It was a nice try but a guy that short has to have incredible game or a ton of money to stick around with the big boys. You’re a nice guy, Steve. You’ll do fine back home.
Inside, the beer begins to take effect and Ty leads the mutiny against Justin who in Fletcher Christian-like style tries to prevent it. Ty confirms what we all know about the public education system in Tennessee by saying that Justin reminds him of “Mr. Jekyll . . . and Hyde” and we hear Robert Louis Stevenson roll over in his Scottish grave. Stick to Davy Crockett references, Ty. Roberto eventually finds out about Justin’s visit to Ali’s place and the lynching is on.
Frank, Kirk, and Craig R. bond again and Frank continues to melt down. “Keep it together, Frank!” I yelled at the TV nearly spilling my Lone Star beer. Craig R. opines that the quest for Ali’s affections is a “test of mental toughness.” Sure, like fighting in Iraq or being waterboarded by the enemy. I see his point. Living for free in a mansion for 5 weeks with unlimited access to alcohol and a hot tub requires an iron clad will and stones of steel.
Ty and his giant choker and Soon-to-be Krazy Kasey confront Justin about his trip to Ali’s house and, although he admits it and takes full responsibility for it, the guys pile on. Justin plays the “Chris Harrison said it was ok” card, but the guys won’t hear it. We find out that the “R” in Rated R stands for “rejected.” He’s shunned into the dark, murky depths of the backyard beyond the soft lighting and candles to mull over his mistakes cry on his crutches like Pavelka on a patio. Alliteration aside, I actually believed the guy was sincere. It was a bit unfair of everyone to fault him for a bold move.
In this season’s Pot calling the Kettle Black moment, Kasey refers to Justin as “creepy.” Craig R. whines some more, officially disavows Justin, and Chris N. gets his single line of dialogue out in order to justify the rose he’s going to get for no reason at all. Finally, Harrison and his ubiquitous champagne glass and fork arrive to announce the rose ceremony. In his gray suit, blue oxford shirt, and black tie with hints of royal blue, Harrison promises that “it will only get tougher” after this ceremony. Roberto and his dimples and Kirk and his minty shirt revel in their safeness and Ali fights through her buzz in order to hand out the remaining 9 roses.
1. Chris L. (he earned it this week but has to jockey next week now that his major card has been played.)
2. Jesse (under the radar this week. He’s good looking enough to stick around)
3. Chris N. (no comment. Just like him)
4. Ty (she should have pinned the rose on his choker)
5. Kasey (tick, tick, tick. That bomb should go off any time now)
6. Craig R. (I think I heard him complain about Ali’s placement of the rose)
7. Frank (he made it. If he can pull it together next week, he’ll be in the game)
8. Weatherman (congrats on getting the “he’s too good for ratings” producer’s rose this week. Lose the jackets and man up or your days are numbered)
9. Justin (nice work this week. Your girlfriend is probably proud of you.)
The show opens as it always does, with an aerial view of the testosterone-filled mansion at sunrise. Harrison makes an early appearance, presumably on his way home from a night out in LA, dressed in jeans, driving loafers and an untucked striped blue oxford shirt with some fancy pseudo-military shoulder things on it. I assumed that they were there in order to give LA strippers a place to put their phone numbers.
The men enter the living room and we see that board shorts have taken the place of Seven jeans and mimosas have yielded to water bottles. Weathered t-shirts complete this week’s morning uniform as we envision Marketing Reps from the aforementioned water bottle, board short, and weathered t-shirt companies sitting on their respective couches with smiles on their faces wallowing in their successful product pitches to the show’s producers.
Harrison—as always--sets up the week by letting the boys know that there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates. In what proves to be an unbelievably transparent set up, Harrison encourages the men to seek out individual time with Ali. He drops the date card and heads out to catch his ride and finish his bloody mary before crashing in his hotel room until the rose ceremony.
Craig R. takes a well-needed breather from whining about everything and assumes the duties as the Official Date Card Reader of the week. As he reads the name “Roberto” we see the air literally sucked out of the sails of the other men. You could almost hear the crack of the metaphorical bat when they announced the date. Home run. “Love is a Balancing Act,” the card reads. Roberto and his dimples make a classy acknowledgement of his coveted position and he retires to the changing room to dress for the date and admire his cleft chin in the mirror. They should just give this guy the final rose right now. He’s miles ahead of the competition. Giving Roberto a one-on-one date with Ali is like giving Hemmingway a bottle of scotch and a typewriter. The guy is as smooth as silver tequila. Provided he’s not the one with the girlfriend he’s going to be tough to beat. John C. from Ipsa-something, Michigan pokes his head out from the nether regions of obscurity and tells us that he’s worried about Roberto getting alone time with Ali. Yea, well Captain Smith was worried about that big iceberg in front of the Titanic, but it didn’t stop it from sinking the boat.
Roberto musks up and puts on one of Jake’s leftover plaid shirts from last season’s “camping” trip and Ali arrives in her unmarked Audi, proving that Germans don’t have much use for dating shows. I suppose that’s why it’s not called Der Frauline-ette . I digress.
Ali enters the Macho Cave in her royal blue, sleeveless, off-the-shoulder blouse, shows off her left shoulder, and tells us (unconvincingly, by the way) that she has a picture of who Roberto is but just wants to make sure it’s true. Give me a break. She giggles and squirms around like she’s got a mouse in her pants every time the guy cracks a smile. Her Jackie-O sunglasses couldn’t hide the anticipation. Roberto—well aware of the ammunition in his arsenal—opts for a quick hug and a “you look good” as opposed to the usual grab Ali like a rag doll and spin her until she pukes greeting. The guy is in his own league. Some unfunny small talk is made by the shirtless contingent of the guys—perhaps about board shorts—and the helicopter arrives to whisk Roberto and Ali away on their date. Craig R. resumes his role as this season’s whiner and complains about it. Ali, Roberto, and his dimples leave the board short party on the helicopter and Ali again pretends like she’s still afraid to fly. Right. Just like she loved to work at Facebook. Roberto plays along and uses the opportunity to comfort Ali as they fly to their destination.
Seriously, could Harrison have teed this one up any better for Roberto? After watching it even I wanted to take a helicopter ride with the guy. I’d pretend to love my fake job be afraid of flying too if only Roberto would comfort me.
Looking at the vast expanse before them Ali wonders what’s better looking: the vast expanse or Roberto. The mountains aren’t bilingual with dimples, Ali. The answer is Roberto. Roberto continues to comfort Ali by offering her some candy he took from a baby and some fish he shot in a barrel. She finds Roberto “protective and manly” and is confident that their impending tightrope walk between two nameless LA office buildings will be easy with him by her side. Roberto is excited about the “dangerous” walk. Note to Jake: THAT’S how you handle a date involving heights. You don’t hyperventilate and cry like a fairy when they tell you what you’re going to be doing.
Back at the MAN-sion. The guys eat burgers and bond. Jesse and Short Steve bond as do Justin and the Weatherman who finally gets a chance to show off the white sunglasses he got to match last week’s jacket.
After donning camera helmets and getting chained in with giant, redundant safety chains apparently left over on the movie lot from when they captured King Kong, Roberto and Ali begin their tightrope walk and Roberto continues to be manly and protective. “Are you ready to fall for me?” she playfully asks as Roberto fends off the canned line with his dashing smile and cleft chin. Roberto continues his stroll to the top of the heap by stopping Ali for a mid-air first kiss before finishing the walk and getting ready for the rooftop dinner. Suck on that, guys at the house.
After sucking on Roberto’s domination, the guys at the house ponder their fate. John C. makes a rare appearance, we get the usual two second shot of Craig N. (who might actually be Justin Bieber’s father) just to let us know he’s still there, and Chris L. lets us know that he jonesing for a date. Keep in mind that he still has the deceased mother story bullet in the chamber. Snail mail comes and we learn that Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Weatherman, Craig R., Justin, Chris L., and Jesse have been invited to rock Ali’s world. Kasey (tick, tick, tick) laments the lack of his selection and goes into the house to tuck in front of the mirror and gently pet his dog Precious. We hear him ticking as he leaves.
Roberto continues to score points at the rooftop dinner by pulling out the gun he brought to the knife fight as he subtly drops some Spanish before the meal. “Are you like completely fluent in Spanish?” Ali asks, clearly mesmerized. She actually looked really pretty at dinner. I suppose it was the giant smile she couldn’t wipe off her face and the glow caused by exposure to Roberto’s pheromones. “I speak some Italian and some French,” he piles on as Ali begins to wiggle in her chair like a school girl. “You’ve been everywhere,” she squeals. Well, not everywhere.
Next stop, Ali’s pants.
Ali confesses her attraction to Roberto. She’s worried that she’s not pretty enough for him. Frankly, she’s not. A tipsy Ali shows off a skirt so short you could see what she had for dinner, confesses to Roberto that she’s a cuddler, tries out her Spanish, and makes out with Roberto. Roberto gets the rose Ali was hiding in her hair extensions. She might as well have pinned it on his zipper. Anyone interested in going on the show needs to study the tape from this date. It’s a case study in how to bag a Bachelorette. Que bueno, Roberto. Bien trabajo.
Back at the mansion all of the guys wake up, shave their chests, dishevel their hair, and hit the cheese wagon for the group date. The limo drops them off in a “seedy area” where Ali stands waiting in the middle of the street like a hooker in search of 14 tricks. Chris N. emerges in some giant, old person driving slow in the right lane on the freeway sunglasses and hugs Ali before fading back into the background like a stick bug in the forest. We learn that the group is there for a video shoot and hear the band in the background.
The Weatherman pretends to love Barenaked Ladies and then he pretends to love the band too. Kirk lets us know he’s loved the band for 10 years and everyone wooohooos and fake dances to that annoying “it’s been three weeks since you winked at me” song. There’s nothing quite like some crass and shameless cross promotion to get a date going. Craig R. lets us know that he’s happy about the video shoot and then he whines about being happy. Frank sits amazed at the “coincidence” of how the lyrics to the new song mirror what’s actually going on in his life. I began to think that Frank forgot to take his medication this week.
Scripts get passed out for the video and we learn that there’s going to be a lot of kissing. The wheels begin to fall of Frank’s wagon as jealousy begins to eat away at him like rats on a carcass. Oddly enough, he looks sane and together compared to the Weatherman who absolutely loses it over the possibility of kissing Ali on camera in front of people. Wait, isn’t that exactly what happens in a wedding? Craig R. emerges in a disastrous wardrobe choice and speaks. I couldn’t hear him over his shirt, but I assumed he was whining about something.
The guys all take turns groping Ali on camera until we get to the Weatherman’s scene. He’s nervous. When I say nervous, I mean absolutely terrified. Clearly, the Weatherman is neurotic. He makes Woody Allen look like Woody Harrelson. He actually demonstrated that he possesses the Pavelka gene by crying in front of everyone. I actually felt sorry for him. He seems like a nice enough guy, but man, he’s a p*ssy. He eventually gets his scene filmed but regrets the unauthentic nature of the kiss. Frank continues to get eaten by the Green Monster named jealousy as Kirk cashes in his lottery ticket by making the most of his making out in the bed scene with Ali.
After the shoot, Ali and the boys retreat to some rooftop patio for small talk and a few cans of Coors Light. We’re all relieved to know that the beer is cold because we can see the mountains on the cans are blue. Ali grabs Chris L. for some alone time and they stroll off meaningfully to this week’s talking place as we see that Chris L. really needs to have his jeans taken up. Those things would have been too long for Shaq. I half expected him to reveal that his hobby was stilt walking. “Uh, yes, Mr. Sales clerk, I’m looking for something in a weathered denim. Waist 32, Length 62.” As they walk away, Kirk and Frank (both nice guys who I think will go far if they don’t lose it first) engage in some Sex in the City type banter about Ali as the Weatherman looks on clearly preoccupied by the fact that he had to kiss a woman on camera. His boyfriend is going to be pissed.
Chris L. finally and somewhat reluctantly drops the “my mom died and I got a tattoo of her signature on my six pack” story ensuring himself a rose for the week. Frankly, he should have held that story until he felt like he was in danger of going home, but Ali asked about the tattoo. In a move that should have sealed his fate, the Weatherman and another awful jacket choice intrude upon Ali and Chris L.’s seclusion in what proves to be a pathetic attempt to rehabilitate himself after his disastrous attempt to fake an attraction to a woman. “You, uh, wanna go somewhere and have a real first kiss?” he asks. I can only imagine he was referring to the equipment shed behind the football field or maybe the bleachers on the south side of the stadium. Unimpressed, Ali giggles and continues to drink champagne. Craig R. and his crossing guard yellow v-neck sweater interrupt because he’s tired of whining to the camera and prefers to whine to a real person and the Weatherman basks in denial as he mutters some insincere garbage about his “connection” with Ali growing by the minute. Frankly, I didn’t see a connection but then again, she did let him borrow her jacket.
Ali makes a quick change into bikini and stealth sarong number two and Kirk moves in for some hot tub time. Frank begins to melt down like a stick of butter in a warm skillet and we pray that he can keep it together long enough to make it past the rose ceremony or until Kasey implodes. Besides, if Frank had studied prior season’s tape he would realize that the person who gets the first hot tub make out session of the season is guaranteed to come in third. (see Jillian and Reid). Hang in there, Frank. She likes you. Kirk and his rock steady demeanor eventually get the date rose and everyone jumps in the pool.
In the meantime, Hunter, Short Steve, Kasey (tick, tick, tick), and Ty and his giant choker necklace kick it around the MAN-sion waiting for news of the next date. “Home is where the heart is” the date card reads and Hunter is happy to learn that he’s been given the next date. Obviously, like Kirk in the hot tub, Hunter is unaware that the second one-on-one date is virtually a first class ticket back home. Hunter combs his hair and powders his ears in anticipation for the date.
In the contrived move of the week, Justin decides to go rogue and hobbles three miles down the road on crutches to get some quality time with Ali. If you look closely, when he arrives at Ali’s bungalow his cast is clearly on his right foot as opposed to the left. I have to think this is some sort of editing snafu. The producers of the show can’t be that arrogant. Fake injuries aside, Justin shows up with his shirt on inside out with pictures of his parents to show Ali. Although he’s set to catch a ton of macho heat for the move later, I’ll give the guy credit. Sure, there’s bound to be some unspoken rules of engagement like not buying the same dress as a girlfriend or giving your number to one of her ex-boyfriends even though she dated him like years ago and is so over him, but Harrison opened the door and Justin walked through it. He caps off the move with his own version of a deceased parent story and appears to have a rose in the bag. Bravo, Rated R. Bravo.
Hunter and his ears talk to Kasey and his Affliction t-shirt as Ali gives Justin a ride back home in her unmarked Audi. Craig R. whines some more and Hunter admits to being nervous. When Ali finally arrives to pick him up, we realize that the date’s budget is clearly indicative of Ali’s lack of attraction to Hunter. Roberto got a helicopter ride and walked across two buildings. Hunter? Well, he got a green apron and a hamburger. Hell, he didn’t even get ice in his Coke. Sans ukulele, he proved to be insecure and clumsy. He gets the “good guy” speech from Ali and we envision that fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t last season dialing 310-777-7777 on his cell phone to call a cab for Hunter and his ukulele. Nice guy, yes. But giant ears and an aww shucks smile don’t equal dimples and a cleft chin. He’s no Roberto.
Back at the MAN-sion, Kirk and Justin talk in their black shirts and Justin is less than truthful with the guys about his little trip up the road. He should have watched All the President’s Men. It’s never the act that gets you in trouble. It’s the cover up. Justin adds to his impending ostracization (no, that’s not a word, but it works so I’m using it) by celebrating a little too loudly about Hunter’s demise. He’s happy “aboot” Hunter getting thrown “oot” of the “hoose” and caps it all of with a “soooory, Hunter” as the cab arrives to pick up his luggage.
Dear Canada, I really miss you. Please stop ignoring me. Signed, The Letter “U”.
Craig R. whines some more and we begin to see how unattractive he really is. He looks like an overweight Peyton Manning. Seriously, he’s so ugly his mother must have fed him with a slingshot. He annoys me and we can only hope that he annoys Ali enough to get the boot soon so he can go back to Philly and complain.
Ali arrives back at the MAN-sion in a strapless silver gown with a sparkly belt. She’s bustled and ready to keep drinking. Seriously, have we had a bachelorette as routinely tipsy as Ali? If she gave a urine sample, there would be an olive in it. She arrives to the guys in suits. Roberto still doesn’t tighten his tie because he doesn’t need to and Chris N. still doesn’t say sh*t.
Chris L. gets some more face time on the heels of his buzz killer tattoo story and actually reveals to Ali that he took second place in a Las Vegas Flip Cup Tournament. It’s no “I travel the world, speak 4 languages, and play baseball,” but hey, it’s something, right? As Chris L. regales Ali with fascinating flip cup stories, Frank shows up dressed like a cast member from Mad Men and Kirk shows up in an unexplainable mint green shirt he probably borrowed from the Weatherman. They bond. Justin gets some one-on-one time and attempts to head off the “not here for the right reasons” moniker he’s tried so hard to shed. Ali compares him to Vienna and recalls that she used to be as whiney and tattlely as Craig R.
In a too little too late attempt to resurrect his chances for a rose, Short Steve “plans” an impromptu picnic on the front lawn and seals his fate as he struggles against an unmerciful champagne bottle. Ali’s drunk anyway and we know he’s headed home. It was a nice try but a guy that short has to have incredible game or a ton of money to stick around with the big boys. You’re a nice guy, Steve. You’ll do fine back home.
Inside, the beer begins to take effect and Ty leads the mutiny against Justin who in Fletcher Christian-like style tries to prevent it. Ty confirms what we all know about the public education system in Tennessee by saying that Justin reminds him of “Mr. Jekyll . . . and Hyde” and we hear Robert Louis Stevenson roll over in his Scottish grave. Stick to Davy Crockett references, Ty. Roberto eventually finds out about Justin’s visit to Ali’s place and the lynching is on.
Frank, Kirk, and Craig R. bond again and Frank continues to melt down. “Keep it together, Frank!” I yelled at the TV nearly spilling my Lone Star beer. Craig R. opines that the quest for Ali’s affections is a “test of mental toughness.” Sure, like fighting in Iraq or being waterboarded by the enemy. I see his point. Living for free in a mansion for 5 weeks with unlimited access to alcohol and a hot tub requires an iron clad will and stones of steel.
Ty and his giant choker and Soon-to-be Krazy Kasey confront Justin about his trip to Ali’s house and, although he admits it and takes full responsibility for it, the guys pile on. Justin plays the “Chris Harrison said it was ok” card, but the guys won’t hear it. We find out that the “R” in Rated R stands for “rejected.” He’s shunned into the dark, murky depths of the backyard beyond the soft lighting and candles to mull over his mistakes cry on his crutches like Pavelka on a patio. Alliteration aside, I actually believed the guy was sincere. It was a bit unfair of everyone to fault him for a bold move.
In this season’s Pot calling the Kettle Black moment, Kasey refers to Justin as “creepy.” Craig R. whines some more, officially disavows Justin, and Chris N. gets his single line of dialogue out in order to justify the rose he’s going to get for no reason at all. Finally, Harrison and his ubiquitous champagne glass and fork arrive to announce the rose ceremony. In his gray suit, blue oxford shirt, and black tie with hints of royal blue, Harrison promises that “it will only get tougher” after this ceremony. Roberto and his dimples and Kirk and his minty shirt revel in their safeness and Ali fights through her buzz in order to hand out the remaining 9 roses.
1. Chris L. (he earned it this week but has to jockey next week now that his major card has been played.)
2. Jesse (under the radar this week. He’s good looking enough to stick around)
3. Chris N. (no comment. Just like him)
4. Ty (she should have pinned the rose on his choker)
5. Kasey (tick, tick, tick. That bomb should go off any time now)
6. Craig R. (I think I heard him complain about Ali’s placement of the rose)
7. Frank (he made it. If he can pull it together next week, he’ll be in the game)
8. Weatherman (congrats on getting the “he’s too good for ratings” producer’s rose this week. Lose the jackets and man up or your days are numbered)
9. Justin (nice work this week. Your girlfriend is probably proud of you.)
John C. and Short Steve get booted and both go home better men. See ya.
With the Amazing count 56, we head into next week ready to begin our “journey” around the world. Let me know your thoughts by commenting below and I’ll respond as quickly as I can. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be jacket shopping in Houston. DP
With the Amazing count 56, we head into next week ready to begin our “journey” around the world. Let me know your thoughts by commenting below and I’ll respond as quickly as I can. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be jacket shopping in Houston. DP
You make me laugh! I love to read you bachelor/ bachelorette posts. I must admit, I felt almost sorry for the weatherman tonight. He was petrified! He did seem very excited about the Broadway date next week, practically squealing with glee. Maybe he'll be less scared in an environment he's comfortable with - if not I predict he will be leaving us soon. Looking forward to next week...
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ReplyDeleteOh. My. Your recaps just keep getting better and better. I think my favorite line was "Note to Jake: THAT’S how you handle a date involving heights. You don’t hyperventilate and cry like a fairy when they tell you what you’re going to be doing." but I can't be totally sure because it was also just so freaking hilarious!
ReplyDeleteBravo, sir.
Well done, sir! Top 5 zingers:
ReplyDelete5. If she gave a urine sample, there would be an olive in it.
4. Hunter combs his hair and powders his ears in anticipation for the date.
3. Weatherman looks on clearly preoccupied by the fact that he had to kiss a woman on camera. His boyfriend is going to be pissed.
2. The Weatherman pretends to love Barenaked Ladies and then he pretends to love the band too.
1. Note to Jake: THAT’S how you handle a date involving heights. You don’t hyperventilate and cry like a fairy when they tell you what you’re going to be doing.
That was awesome! Thanks for the great recap. BTW, SOMEBODY totally has a mancrush on Roberto. I don't blame you pal.
I confess, Roberto makes me weak in the knees--in an entirely manly way. Thank you for reading. DP
ReplyDeleteAnother great post. Your brutal honesty and great analogies keep us all coming back to read your recaps. It's great to hear a man's perspective on this show and you have a lot of fun with it. I bet it would be a ton of fun to watch one of the shows with you just to hear your commentary. Thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteGreat recap! I heart Roberto. I wish he had to leave for his "career" so he could be the next bachelor.
ReplyDelete"Amazing" recap!! I loved your comment about Roberto: "You’ve been everywhere,” she squeals. Well, not everywhere. Next stop, Ali’s pants." Keep up the good work, Austin Guy!
ReplyDeletegreat recap as always! between Weatherman's crying and white accessories, Craig's rampant complaining and whining and Steve not being able to open a champagne bottle, I have to wonder why they can't get more real men on this show. Whether he 'wins' or not, Roberto should teach a clinic. I like Chris L. too - he's wicked smart for not getting involved in the girly drama.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the feeling that Roberto is a chach though- I feel like everything he's done has been pretty genuine and modest, and if that means he should write the book, good on him!
ReplyDeleteNice work, DP! Love to read your blog.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your summaries each week. I find myself literally laughing out loud at many of your comments, but take it easy on Ty and the public education that the Volunteer state has to offer. As a kindergarten teacher in TN, I found that comment to be a bit unsettling. I can only imagine that Ty was a tad tipsy and trying to make himself look better for the cameras, even though it's obvious he's not a well read individual. Other than that, I find myself completely agreeing with your summaries. :)
ReplyDeleteLove your blog. I had to apologize to my fellow cube-mates last week as I almost cried while trying to hold in my laughter while reading your adventures in stuff chicks like.
ReplyDeleteGreat recap! Love me some Chris L. His line about it being the Weatherman's first kiss was hilarious. Also, Ali's smart enough to know that while she's cute, she is not up to Roberto's hotness/suaveness factor...by a long shot. What is homeboy even doing on this show? There is no way that there is not a trail of tears of all of the women Roberto loved before from Tampa to Charleston. Loved how excited the Weatherman got about being on the Broadway stage next week. Nothing screams heterosexual male like giddiness for the Great White Way. Aslo, Frank, relax. You've had one date, homeboy.
ReplyDelete"The Weatherman pretends to love Barenaked Ladies and then he pretends to love the band too."
ReplyDeleteClassic!
Once again I am completely exhausted from laughter. "Some guy", you really should charge for this because it is better than any hour with a therapist could ever be!!! Thanks for sharing with us and I can't wait for next week. I told my daughter that those white sun glasses of the Weatherman would make it into your blog so can't wait to see what next week holds. Keep up the good work!!
ReplyDeleteJust came across your blog a couple of weeks ago (you can thank Lincee from I Hate Green Beans) but love your commentaries! Keep 'em coming!!
ReplyDeletePoor Weatherman jerks and spasms so hard when he's anywhere near Ali, it's like watching popcorn pop
ReplyDeleteCan't stand the show, but love the blog! Makes wasting two hours out of boring Monday night worth it. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Julie. Really gay popcorn. DP
ReplyDeleteFantastic post!! I am new to your blog and absolutely LOVING it. I was so glad to see that Ty's amazing literary take on "Mr. Jekyll" made it into your post - I couldn't stop lauging about that! Thanks for all the comic relief - and keep on writing! :-)
ReplyDeleteSooooo glad I don't have to actually watch the train wreck in progress and can just read your blog, instead. And get my "core" exercises in by laughing my face off. :)
ReplyDeleteGuess what I'm from Philly and we don't want Craig R. back here. Ali can keep him for as long as she likes!!
ReplyDeleteI hate to think she's right but my friend insists that Roberto was wearing the same shirt this week that has been seen in the "he's got a girlfriend" promos. I have to admit I obviously don't pay enough attention to the promos because I didn't notice but... Anyone else notice that or think she's right?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hilarious recaps btw. :-)
The weatherman... oh he is just so sad and pathetic! Love reading your recap.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have read your blog because I happened to miss the show and was curious who she kicked out. As I read, I nearly died laughing because the show played out in my mind as I read and it was too funny. My fave line was the "urine sample" bit....ROTFLMAO
ReplyDeleteOmg hilarity! Well done on an awesome recap! Weatherman is sooo Tom cruise don't u think? they're both closeted little men!
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, I look forward to it every week. My cubicle neighbours here at work are wondering why I've been laughing so hard for the past 15 minutes! Hillarious stuff.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone know what's wrong with Casey's voice? Eg is it perhaps a medical affliction? Or just part of the nuttiness of which he is comprised?
ReplyDeleteI'll forgive you for your comment on Dallas last week- at least it's in Texas, right? But only because I love your recaps so much. Something about you being a guy just makes it that much funnier.
ReplyDeleteAlso: Classic Roberto line (about to get on the tightrope with Ali): "If you get scared, just look at me, and you'll be okay."
What?
Finally, a bit late on this, but did I imagine that in last week's episode (calendar shoot) the Weatherman confessed to being a bit "under-endowed" on NATIONAL TELEVISION?
Dennis,
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious! Jonathan needs to go back to his boyfriend, I mean if you are not gay, why would you be terrified of kissing a hot woman.
Agreed Orchid Whisperer, if he's gay he just needs to admit it. If he's not, he's clearly pathologically neurotic. People from Dallas and Tennessee, please lighten up. It's all in fun. People from Canada, thanks for playing along. And thank ALL of you for reading and commenting. I can't wait for Kasey's meltdown next week. DP
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY thing missing was a mention to Jesse's ridiculous denim get-up at the rose ceremony! Otherwise solid as usual darlin'!
ReplyDeleteOkay, since I'm a girl from Canada who now lives north of Dallas with the demon chiggers. I must bemoan the awful guys that have been representing. Cry baby weatherboy, what's with him, he's definitely man crushing, it must be his complex about his itsy bitsy penis, it must be. What a wimp. He's almost worse than Jake .... almost. I don't feel sorry for him at all.
ReplyDeleteLove all your comments about what everyone is wearing, it's so very metrosexual of you.
Great show this week, really funny recap, thanks!
This week's BWAH:
ReplyDelete"getting chained in with giant, redundant safety chains apparently left over on the movie lot from when they captured King Kong"
Just curious... does anyone else think TN Ty is on the show in hopes of finding country music fame? He lives in Nashville (where aspiring country musicians go to be discovered) and has already busted out his gee-tar to sing. But no one has mentioned him being there for the wrong reasons. Also, as he drinks more, he should talk less, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is so much better than the show! I look forward to it each week, and it provides a much needed laugh.
ReplyDeleteThnaks!
Valid points from all of you. Let's go easy on the Weatherman's "itsy bitsy penis" though. He seems like a nice enough guy. Besides, he'd cry if he read this and I don't want that kind of guilt on my shoulders. Props to Canadian transplants representing. Everyone have a great weekend. I look forward to your comments on Tuesday! DP
ReplyDeleteDear Some Guy,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I own a little lingerie boutique in Virginia and at least 5 women stop in every wednesday during lunch so that we can take turns reading your blog out loud and we laugh until we can't breathe. Once, an un-named client laughed so hard-- I made an unexpected panty sale.
Great job with your take on the show, you're a hit in Arlington!
Dear Arlie, I can't even begin to tell you what goes through my head when I picture 6 women sitting amongst racks of unmentionables laughing hysterically over stuff I wrote in the middle of the night with a beer buzz. I suppose that making someone pee all over herself from 1500 miles away is something to be proud of. Send that person my best. If you'll send me the name of your lingerie shop, I'll be happy to make you an honorary sponsor for tomorrow's post. Thanks to all of you for reading. DP
ReplyDeleteI would be thrilled to be an honorary sponsor!
ReplyDeleteMy store is Sisters3 Epilation and Lingerie Boutique. You know I started to get in touch with you when you were doing your Chick Stuff Checklist-- I'm the Wax Queen of Washington, DC-- profiled in the Washingtonian and NoVa Magazine. I was going to offer you my services free of charge. No one does a better brazilian...
Arlie, missed this post before I posted this week. I'll work you in next week. If you want to wax me, you'll have to make it out to Austin. That's not the type of thing I'd hop on a plane to do! Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteDP
enjoying your blog so much - Bachelorette series has just started here Down Under and I'm loving the fact that your posts are a few weeks ahead of where we are on the show. I can read your blog first and then watch the episode later - makes it all even more hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWas I the only one who wanted to smack that “I’m better than you” smirk off of his five foot frame?
ReplyDeleteHell no! When he said "As a matter of fact, I flew last weekend" - I was ready to punch him.