Week 4 and the tension is high. There’s nothing quite like a little competition over a super hot woman to get men going. Since there was no super hot woman available, the guys set their sights on Ali. This week promised a departure from the stuffy confines of the giant MAN-sion and some genuinely whacko behavior by some of the less than well-adjusted macho men at the house. Let’s get to it.
The show begins with a softly lit picture of the most beautiful thing in Los Angeles: Roberto’s dimples. While the other men sit there in their faded v-neck t-shirts nervously belting cups of coffee and basking in the anticipation of Harrison’s arrival, Roberto sits basking in his wonderfulness. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and dog tags. Upon further examination it was apparent that the dog tags read “Mr. Right.” Seriously, the guy is like the ’85 Bears or the next thing Oprah loves. He’s guaranteed a spot in the final two. And by the way, does anyone buy this guy as an insurance salesman in South Carolina? Roberto looks more like the guy who shows up on your birthday at your door dressed like a police officer with tear away pants than he does an insurance salesman.
Harrison shows up in his solid black untucked oxford and jeans for his standard two minute set up the week stint. He lets us know that there are two one-on-one dates and one group date this week. “How far would you travel for love” is the theme and we learn that the guys are packing their sh*t and headed to The Big Apple. A shirtless Weatherman jumps up and down like a little girl at the possibility of living in even tighter quarters with the remaining men. Frank and his anchor shirt act excited and we see Chris L. in his Rocky Balboa hooded sweatshirt as we imagine him returning from a spirited jog through the streets of LA after punching a side of meat at the local butcher’s freezer before standing triumphantly on the capital steps ready to face Apollo Creed. Seriously, what was up with the hood?
Harrison puts a mirror under Chris N.’s nose in order to confirm that his airway is unobstructed before dropping the date card and heading out to make love to a stripper on a pile of cash. See you in NYC, chumps.
We next get shots of Ali walking meaningfully in her yellow knitted Mary Tyler Moore hat and knee high boots searching for love in the streets of Manhattan. She’s searching for love in New York City and she has the espresso from Starbucks to prove it. We then cut to a close up of her looking like she just played a spirited game of Flip Cup with Chris L. I can’t speak for all of the men but the camera certainly isn’t in love with her. She looked as disheveled as an Uptown hooker.
The men load up their cologne, Affliction t-shirts, and Hugo Boss jeans, and don giant sunglasses as they kiss the MAN-sion goodbye. We get a giant graphic picture of a fake plane traveling from LA to New York and wonder if it wasn’t put there for the benefit of the people in Appalachia huddled around a 14 inch black and white television behind the counter of the local bait shop with a coat hanger duct taped to the back of it drinking fire water from a mason jar and rooting for Ty. (Alright, people in Tennessee, just relax. The guy from Kansas was sent home early so I have to pick on someone). For the record, I love it there. I’ll make it up to you next week.
We cut to a shot of Ali headed to this week’s hotel sponsor, the Andaz hotel, for a much needed makeover. Ali meets Hal Rubenstein (whoever he is). He shares Ali’s desire to look fantastic. Ali uncomfortably looks through some outfits with her new Jewish homosexual friend and eventually picks one that hides her rear end and frankly made her look a little dumpy.
She’d be more comfortable in jeans, sneakers, and a loose top she tells us. Hal Rubenstein was having none of it. We see Ali getting sand blasted, Bondoed, and polished and wonder what has more space between them; the buildings in New York or Ali’s teeth. Seriously, if those things were a fence around Jesse’s property, his dogs would have escaped a long time ago.
Kirk, sporting his version of the white Weatherman sunglasses, speaks for everyone as he voices his excitement about boarding the plane. Ty and his giant choker echo the sentiment. When they arrive in NYC in their baggy jeans and hoodies they oooh and ahhh over the sweet suite that 11 of them will be living in like a Puerto Rican family in Harlem over the next week. Speaking of Harlem, has anyone ever wondered why in West Side Story when Tony is running through Spanish Harlem in the middle of the night screaming “Maria” that only Natalie Wood comes to the window? Who are they kidding? Looking for one “Maria” in Spanish Harlem is like looking for one excited gay guy at a Cher concert. Annnnyhooo…
In the next egregious product placement of the week, Hal Rubenstein (whoever he is) lets Ali know that she’s going to be in InStyle Magazine with Cameron Diaz on the cover. Of course, Cameron Diaz is unaware of it and Ali doesn’t actually get to meet her, but nonetheless, Hal Rubenstein is thrilled. Ali is “SO” everything about everything.
Back at the illegally over-occupied hotel suite the men and their carefully tussled hair anxiously await the date card in their hoodies. Chris L. assumes this week’s Date Card Reader duties and we learn that Kasey has been awarded the first one-on-one date. In a related story, the S.S. Absolutely Nuts left Clovis, California headed directly for New York Harbor. “Let’s Do What Comes Natural” the card reads and, as Kasey celebrates, Kirk and the Weatherman unnecessarily worry about his date.
We see Ali walking confidently down the streets of Manhattan in her tuxedo jacket and white shirt with the sleeves rolled up looking like she just got done dealing blackjack at an upstate Indian casino. I think she was wearing skinny jeans but I couldn’t tell because she didn’t look skinny. She talks about Kasey as if he was sane and says, “I can’t wait to show it to him for the very first time.” We assume she meant the City. The Weatherman suffers through his neurosis and Kirk sits there with his tussled hair looking like Wilson the volleyball from Castaway.
Kasey refers to Ali as “imaginary” for some reason and we get a shot of silent Chris N. wondering if his son Justin Bieber is safe on tour. Has this guy said a word all season? Seriously, he’s a hoodie filler. He’s like that crappy furniture they sell at Ikea. Sure, he’s got a nice veneer, but inside he’s just particle board. Helen Keller was more talkative.
Chris L. provides unneeded foreshadowing when he opines that Kasey sees unicorns when it comes to Ali. Chris L., demonstrating Roberto-esque levelheadedness, says he’s not buying it. This guy should make the final two. More about him later.
Kasey and Ali arrive at some aircraft carrier where they are picked up by yet another helicopter. So much for Ali’s “fear” of flying. In an ironic moment, Kasey repeats three times, “this is crazy.” No, Kasey, it’s not, but you sure as hell are. Although Kasey feels that Ali is “trapped in this foundation of trying to look for love,” she seems thoroughly unimpressed by Kasey. Perhaps she was just trapped in that foundation thing. He begins to demonstrate what we all knew going into this week. Kasey is indeed Krazey.
Over the next 15 minutes Krasey’s behavior goes from awkward to embarrassing to just plain frightening. He renews his Lancelot-like pledge to “guard and protect her heart,” attempts to sing some free verse “song” about helicopters and cleverly rhymes the word “city” with “pretty”. Frankly, the entire thing was “pretty” disturbing. The producers and editors don’t do Krasey any favors either. I suppose trying to cover up that kind of nuts is like putting tights on a fat guy: it’s just too much trouble. Ali does her absolute best not to look horrified. Jamie Lee Curtis looked more at ease during the last half hour of Halloween. She’s glad that there’s a camera crew around and prays that one of them has a stun gun.
After that disaster, Ali and Krasey break into the American Museum of Natural History where they look at dinosaurs with flashlights. Ali points out the Nuts-o-saurus and the Soon-to-be-committed-for-life-a-ras Rex. Ali fights back the horror in her one-on-one telling us that—just like her skinny jeans—the date roses hold a lot of weight. She “good guys” Krasey as he tries not to come unglued and lets him know that he’s not getting a rose but he can stick around anyway. What? Aren’t there any rules on this damn show? No rose, no joy. That’s what Harrison said and that’s the way it should be. I suppose Ali’s desire not to be dismembered and pickled in some freezer in Clovis, California might have had a little something to do with the rule change. Plus, he’s good for ratings. We realize that the only things that Krasey will be guarding and protecting are his crayons and plastic spoon in whatever padded room he’ll soon end up calling home.
Back at the Alcatraz Hotel, we learn that Roberto, Jesse, Craig R., Kirk, Weatherman, Frank, and Ty get the group date. “Let’s Play” the card reads and some high-fiving ensues. “I love your hoodie, man.” “No, I love YOUR hoodie, bro.” Whatever.
Justin laments his lack of selection and Frank takes a break from his nervous twitching to comment on Justin’s lamentation of his lack of selection. In a misinterpretation of the cryptic date card message, the boys trade driving loafers and flip flops for athletic shoes and hit the pavement in search of Ali. Despite having his x-ray glasses on, Frank remains confused. Roberto takes a break from selling ice to Eskimos and sand to the beach in an attempt to figure out the clue. After some help from the producers with getting their thumbs out of their rear ends, the men “figure out” that Ali awaits them in the Broadway theater where the Lion King is playing. We all breathed a sigh of relief that the men were not lost and every one of us hummed a few bars from “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” as we hit pause and got up to fill our wine glasses. In the interest of full disclosure, I had a 16 oz. can of Lone Star Beer in hand, but for our purposes, that’s my “wine.” Overjoyed at the possibility of hearing show tunes, the Weatherman bounds up the theater stairs a la Errol Flynn in that pirate movie. Man, is he gay.
Ali and her weird plastic hair thing that doesn’t hold her hair back gives us some canned facts about the Lion King and she tells us that she’s “under the weather.” We wonder if her close proximity to Roberto’s pheromones caused her to become impregnated.
Legitimate Broadway performers sing a song from the Lion King and everyone cheapens it by whooo hoooing and fist pumping. Roberto is adequately but not overly excited at the possibility of seeing the Lion King and confirms his straightness by comparing Broadway to Major League Baseball.
Proving that nothing is too demeaning for reality television, the men are forced to put on colored v-neck t-shirts and biking shorts with their cute little white sneakers and dance in order to “try out” for the Lion King. Everyone but the Weatherman secretly wishes he’d broken his foot in a fake wrestling match. The Weatherman hops around like Richard Simmons and Frank gives it the old college try.
In a further attempt to remove the dignity of everyone involved, the men sing a song. In a move proving that he has brains to match his dimples, Roberto demonstrates his smoothness by choosing to sing directly to Ali as Frank and the Weatherman wallow in their respective neuroses, crushed by Roberto’s awesomeness. It’s always the simplest ideas that work the best, isn’t it ladies? Roberto excuses himself to attend a cake walk.
After winning the cake walk, Roberto returns to collect his “prize” for winning the singing contest. He and Ali emerge in Lion King costumes. Roberto sports some sort of colored diaper thing looking like a Puerto Rican Kunta Kinte and Ali—oh Ali—looked less than flattering in her costume. It’s a good thing the play was on Broadway and not in Spanish Harlem. Had she walked down the street in that get up dozens of Hispanic children would have beaten her with sticks in anticipation of cracking her open and getting the candy inside of her.
Ali and Roberto “rehearse” their flying scene and we wonder if they are shooting the XXX version of the play as Roberto buries his face in Ali’s piñata costume. We learn that Ali and Roberto will actually make a cameo appearance in the sold out matinee performance and any legitimate performer who ever auditioned for anything on Broadway and got cut picked up the nearest throw pillow and launched it at the television set.
At the post play party Kirk and his silver tie and black shirt along with Frank and his stand by green jacket worry about Ali’s under the weather status as the Weatherman attempts to look masculine by donning his version of the Chris Harrison epaulets shirt. (Thank you Michigan fans Kelly and Renee for the email letting me know the proper name for those things on the shoulders of Harrison’s shirt where LA strippers put their phone numbers).
Sympathetic to her cold, Frank steals two umbrellas from the Traveler’s Insurance suite and takes Ali out in the rain in order to prevent a meltdown. Validated and reassured Frank returns to the Alcatraz hotel a renewed man setting himself up for a final four finish if he can keep it together.
Back at the guy suite, Justin, Krasey, Chris L. and the mute guy get the date card and we learn that Chris L. gets the final one-on-one date because it’s his birthday.
Craig R. gets some time in the corner with Ali as the Weatherman and his epaulets (I like that word now) stare at them. Craig R. tries to water down his whiney tattle tale persona by letting Ali know that he’s “all about having fun.” Exactly, right behind keeping tabs on everyone and complaining about everything. Ali pretends to be interested as Craig R. revokes the Weatherman’s attempt to steal her. Kirk stops the nonsense and asks Ali if he can put her and her cold to bed. Nice move, Kirk. It works and Ali uses her Demi Moore voice to let everyone know that no rose will be awarded. As Kirk walks Ali to her room the Weatherman self-loathes.
Back at the room, Chris L. puts on his best Garanimals shirt and packs his Spiderman lunch box in anticipation of his date with Ali. Seriously dude, lose the striped knit shirt. You’re dressed like a 5 year old. Krasey continues his descent into insanity and we picture him guarding and protecting his rectum in some prison shower. Poor guy. He goes AWOL—even though a camera crew follows him to the tattoo parlor where the producers made an appointment for him to get the tattoo that they had an artist draw up.
Ali appears for a one-on-one in a pink hoodie she borrowed from the Weatherman and lets us know that she’s too sick for her date. She sends a note to Chris L. and he handles it well by getting her some flowers, coloring books, and soup. Soup? Well, she is homeless.
All of the guys except Chris N. who doesn’t speak ponder Krasey’s mental status as we see Krasey get his wrist tattooed with a shield protecting a heart. Congrats to the production crew for enabling his nutty behavior. The guy is about as unstable as Frank’s glasses are thick.
Chris L. scores some more points with his deceased mother stories and we see that he is to normal and realistic as Krasey is to twisted and insane. Ali miraculously feels better and takes Chris L. to some bar for seafood. Ali is “SO” everything again. She appreciates his sanity and lifts the reality show cell phone lock down and allows Chris L. to call his dad on his birthday. Dad proves he gets it by assumptively telling Ali that he looks forward to meeting her on the hometown dates. Nicely played, Dad. It never hurts to call in an airstrike when you can. They end the date as Ali and her Michael Jackson blue sequined jacket take Chris L. to a rooftop for a private concert by some poor man’s James Taylor named Joshua Radin. Frankly, Chris L. is too cool for Ali. Chris L. should marry Roberto.
Krasey returns from his “unplanned” excursion and lies about getting burned. “What kind of degree burn is it?” Justin asks demonstrating that he should stick to fake wrestling.
Chris N. says nothing.
Back at the hotel, Krasey and his orange shirt and tie stew in insanity, Craig R. drops an unsolicited insult on Justin, and Frank stresses in his Mad Men suit. Ali shows up in an awful black pant suit and does some poontangin’ around the hotel with Kirk before the Weatherman shows up and seals his fate by breaking out a guitar as the men sit back and watch him implode. The poor Weatherman. If he was cast on Jersey Shore, his nickname would be “The Awkward Situation”.
Chris N. still has nothing to say.
Justin turns the tables on last week’s male beating by confronting Krasey about his alleged burn. Krasey finally shows the tattoo and Frank drops a priceless line saying, “Getting a tattoo. That doesn’t prove anything except that the fact that you’re nuts.” I think that about sums it up. Krasey attempts to show Ali the tattoo but Frank and his Mad Men suit block his attempt as Harrison walks from the production trailer after laughing hysterically at Krasey’s tattoo with the rest of the crew and shows up with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork to announce the rose ceremony with a big “this one is so good for the ratings” smirk on his face. It’s rare for Harrison to break form, but he just couldn’t resist this week. Watch the tape.
Ali puts the cherry on the sundae by saying, “what a crazy week.” Indeed. She hands out the roses.
1. Chris L. (solid performance this week. He should be in the top 2)
2. Kirk (also a solid week. He should make the top 3)
3. Frank (still unsteady, but better than last week. Keep it together, Frank.)
4. Craig R. (WTF? I can’t stand this guy. I’d rather watch Chris N. say nothing)
5. Chris N. (Nice run, you mute)
6. Roberto (El es Numero Uno. El esta en fuego)
7. Justin (genuinely surprised. Nice recovery this week. Keep it going)
8. Ty (it was nice to see him trade in that stupid choker for a “neck-Ty”)
9. Krasey (he’s too nuts to let go. Producer’s pick. He won’t last another week)
Jesse and his jeans get eliminated and he actually looked relieved. He lost with class and ensured himself his pick of the herd when he hightails it back to the country. The Weatherman refuses to emerge from denial as he fights back a rainstorm of tears. He’s lower than a well digger’s shoes as he sobs into the camera about Ali’s mistake. We hope that Harrison had the decency to hook him up with some Les Miserables tickets.
There it is. With the Amazing count at a blistering 74, we head into next week in anticipation of a trip to Iceland. Let me know your thoughts and predictions. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be guarding and protecting myself. DP
The show begins with a softly lit picture of the most beautiful thing in Los Angeles: Roberto’s dimples. While the other men sit there in their faded v-neck t-shirts nervously belting cups of coffee and basking in the anticipation of Harrison’s arrival, Roberto sits basking in his wonderfulness. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and dog tags. Upon further examination it was apparent that the dog tags read “Mr. Right.” Seriously, the guy is like the ’85 Bears or the next thing Oprah loves. He’s guaranteed a spot in the final two. And by the way, does anyone buy this guy as an insurance salesman in South Carolina? Roberto looks more like the guy who shows up on your birthday at your door dressed like a police officer with tear away pants than he does an insurance salesman.
Harrison shows up in his solid black untucked oxford and jeans for his standard two minute set up the week stint. He lets us know that there are two one-on-one dates and one group date this week. “How far would you travel for love” is the theme and we learn that the guys are packing their sh*t and headed to The Big Apple. A shirtless Weatherman jumps up and down like a little girl at the possibility of living in even tighter quarters with the remaining men. Frank and his anchor shirt act excited and we see Chris L. in his Rocky Balboa hooded sweatshirt as we imagine him returning from a spirited jog through the streets of LA after punching a side of meat at the local butcher’s freezer before standing triumphantly on the capital steps ready to face Apollo Creed. Seriously, what was up with the hood?
Harrison puts a mirror under Chris N.’s nose in order to confirm that his airway is unobstructed before dropping the date card and heading out to make love to a stripper on a pile of cash. See you in NYC, chumps.
We next get shots of Ali walking meaningfully in her yellow knitted Mary Tyler Moore hat and knee high boots searching for love in the streets of Manhattan. She’s searching for love in New York City and she has the espresso from Starbucks to prove it. We then cut to a close up of her looking like she just played a spirited game of Flip Cup with Chris L. I can’t speak for all of the men but the camera certainly isn’t in love with her. She looked as disheveled as an Uptown hooker.
The men load up their cologne, Affliction t-shirts, and Hugo Boss jeans, and don giant sunglasses as they kiss the MAN-sion goodbye. We get a giant graphic picture of a fake plane traveling from LA to New York and wonder if it wasn’t put there for the benefit of the people in Appalachia huddled around a 14 inch black and white television behind the counter of the local bait shop with a coat hanger duct taped to the back of it drinking fire water from a mason jar and rooting for Ty. (Alright, people in Tennessee, just relax. The guy from Kansas was sent home early so I have to pick on someone). For the record, I love it there. I’ll make it up to you next week.
We cut to a shot of Ali headed to this week’s hotel sponsor, the Andaz hotel, for a much needed makeover. Ali meets Hal Rubenstein (whoever he is). He shares Ali’s desire to look fantastic. Ali uncomfortably looks through some outfits with her new Jewish homosexual friend and eventually picks one that hides her rear end and frankly made her look a little dumpy.
She’d be more comfortable in jeans, sneakers, and a loose top she tells us. Hal Rubenstein was having none of it. We see Ali getting sand blasted, Bondoed, and polished and wonder what has more space between them; the buildings in New York or Ali’s teeth. Seriously, if those things were a fence around Jesse’s property, his dogs would have escaped a long time ago.
Kirk, sporting his version of the white Weatherman sunglasses, speaks for everyone as he voices his excitement about boarding the plane. Ty and his giant choker echo the sentiment. When they arrive in NYC in their baggy jeans and hoodies they oooh and ahhh over the sweet suite that 11 of them will be living in like a Puerto Rican family in Harlem over the next week. Speaking of Harlem, has anyone ever wondered why in West Side Story when Tony is running through Spanish Harlem in the middle of the night screaming “Maria” that only Natalie Wood comes to the window? Who are they kidding? Looking for one “Maria” in Spanish Harlem is like looking for one excited gay guy at a Cher concert. Annnnyhooo…
In the next egregious product placement of the week, Hal Rubenstein (whoever he is) lets Ali know that she’s going to be in InStyle Magazine with Cameron Diaz on the cover. Of course, Cameron Diaz is unaware of it and Ali doesn’t actually get to meet her, but nonetheless, Hal Rubenstein is thrilled. Ali is “SO” everything about everything.
Back at the illegally over-occupied hotel suite the men and their carefully tussled hair anxiously await the date card in their hoodies. Chris L. assumes this week’s Date Card Reader duties and we learn that Kasey has been awarded the first one-on-one date. In a related story, the S.S. Absolutely Nuts left Clovis, California headed directly for New York Harbor. “Let’s Do What Comes Natural” the card reads and, as Kasey celebrates, Kirk and the Weatherman unnecessarily worry about his date.
We see Ali walking confidently down the streets of Manhattan in her tuxedo jacket and white shirt with the sleeves rolled up looking like she just got done dealing blackjack at an upstate Indian casino. I think she was wearing skinny jeans but I couldn’t tell because she didn’t look skinny. She talks about Kasey as if he was sane and says, “I can’t wait to show it to him for the very first time.” We assume she meant the City. The Weatherman suffers through his neurosis and Kirk sits there with his tussled hair looking like Wilson the volleyball from Castaway.
Kasey refers to Ali as “imaginary” for some reason and we get a shot of silent Chris N. wondering if his son Justin Bieber is safe on tour. Has this guy said a word all season? Seriously, he’s a hoodie filler. He’s like that crappy furniture they sell at Ikea. Sure, he’s got a nice veneer, but inside he’s just particle board. Helen Keller was more talkative.
Chris L. provides unneeded foreshadowing when he opines that Kasey sees unicorns when it comes to Ali. Chris L., demonstrating Roberto-esque levelheadedness, says he’s not buying it. This guy should make the final two. More about him later.
Kasey and Ali arrive at some aircraft carrier where they are picked up by yet another helicopter. So much for Ali’s “fear” of flying. In an ironic moment, Kasey repeats three times, “this is crazy.” No, Kasey, it’s not, but you sure as hell are. Although Kasey feels that Ali is “trapped in this foundation of trying to look for love,” she seems thoroughly unimpressed by Kasey. Perhaps she was just trapped in that foundation thing. He begins to demonstrate what we all knew going into this week. Kasey is indeed Krazey.
Over the next 15 minutes Krasey’s behavior goes from awkward to embarrassing to just plain frightening. He renews his Lancelot-like pledge to “guard and protect her heart,” attempts to sing some free verse “song” about helicopters and cleverly rhymes the word “city” with “pretty”. Frankly, the entire thing was “pretty” disturbing. The producers and editors don’t do Krasey any favors either. I suppose trying to cover up that kind of nuts is like putting tights on a fat guy: it’s just too much trouble. Ali does her absolute best not to look horrified. Jamie Lee Curtis looked more at ease during the last half hour of Halloween. She’s glad that there’s a camera crew around and prays that one of them has a stun gun.
After that disaster, Ali and Krasey break into the American Museum of Natural History where they look at dinosaurs with flashlights. Ali points out the Nuts-o-saurus and the Soon-to-be-committed-for-life-a-ras Rex. Ali fights back the horror in her one-on-one telling us that—just like her skinny jeans—the date roses hold a lot of weight. She “good guys” Krasey as he tries not to come unglued and lets him know that he’s not getting a rose but he can stick around anyway. What? Aren’t there any rules on this damn show? No rose, no joy. That’s what Harrison said and that’s the way it should be. I suppose Ali’s desire not to be dismembered and pickled in some freezer in Clovis, California might have had a little something to do with the rule change. Plus, he’s good for ratings. We realize that the only things that Krasey will be guarding and protecting are his crayons and plastic spoon in whatever padded room he’ll soon end up calling home.
Back at the Alcatraz Hotel, we learn that Roberto, Jesse, Craig R., Kirk, Weatherman, Frank, and Ty get the group date. “Let’s Play” the card reads and some high-fiving ensues. “I love your hoodie, man.” “No, I love YOUR hoodie, bro.” Whatever.
Justin laments his lack of selection and Frank takes a break from his nervous twitching to comment on Justin’s lamentation of his lack of selection. In a misinterpretation of the cryptic date card message, the boys trade driving loafers and flip flops for athletic shoes and hit the pavement in search of Ali. Despite having his x-ray glasses on, Frank remains confused. Roberto takes a break from selling ice to Eskimos and sand to the beach in an attempt to figure out the clue. After some help from the producers with getting their thumbs out of their rear ends, the men “figure out” that Ali awaits them in the Broadway theater where the Lion King is playing. We all breathed a sigh of relief that the men were not lost and every one of us hummed a few bars from “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” as we hit pause and got up to fill our wine glasses. In the interest of full disclosure, I had a 16 oz. can of Lone Star Beer in hand, but for our purposes, that’s my “wine.” Overjoyed at the possibility of hearing show tunes, the Weatherman bounds up the theater stairs a la Errol Flynn in that pirate movie. Man, is he gay.
Ali and her weird plastic hair thing that doesn’t hold her hair back gives us some canned facts about the Lion King and she tells us that she’s “under the weather.” We wonder if her close proximity to Roberto’s pheromones caused her to become impregnated.
Legitimate Broadway performers sing a song from the Lion King and everyone cheapens it by whooo hoooing and fist pumping. Roberto is adequately but not overly excited at the possibility of seeing the Lion King and confirms his straightness by comparing Broadway to Major League Baseball.
Proving that nothing is too demeaning for reality television, the men are forced to put on colored v-neck t-shirts and biking shorts with their cute little white sneakers and dance in order to “try out” for the Lion King. Everyone but the Weatherman secretly wishes he’d broken his foot in a fake wrestling match. The Weatherman hops around like Richard Simmons and Frank gives it the old college try.
In a further attempt to remove the dignity of everyone involved, the men sing a song. In a move proving that he has brains to match his dimples, Roberto demonstrates his smoothness by choosing to sing directly to Ali as Frank and the Weatherman wallow in their respective neuroses, crushed by Roberto’s awesomeness. It’s always the simplest ideas that work the best, isn’t it ladies? Roberto excuses himself to attend a cake walk.
After winning the cake walk, Roberto returns to collect his “prize” for winning the singing contest. He and Ali emerge in Lion King costumes. Roberto sports some sort of colored diaper thing looking like a Puerto Rican Kunta Kinte and Ali—oh Ali—looked less than flattering in her costume. It’s a good thing the play was on Broadway and not in Spanish Harlem. Had she walked down the street in that get up dozens of Hispanic children would have beaten her with sticks in anticipation of cracking her open and getting the candy inside of her.
Ali and Roberto “rehearse” their flying scene and we wonder if they are shooting the XXX version of the play as Roberto buries his face in Ali’s piñata costume. We learn that Ali and Roberto will actually make a cameo appearance in the sold out matinee performance and any legitimate performer who ever auditioned for anything on Broadway and got cut picked up the nearest throw pillow and launched it at the television set.
At the post play party Kirk and his silver tie and black shirt along with Frank and his stand by green jacket worry about Ali’s under the weather status as the Weatherman attempts to look masculine by donning his version of the Chris Harrison epaulets shirt. (Thank you Michigan fans Kelly and Renee for the email letting me know the proper name for those things on the shoulders of Harrison’s shirt where LA strippers put their phone numbers).
Sympathetic to her cold, Frank steals two umbrellas from the Traveler’s Insurance suite and takes Ali out in the rain in order to prevent a meltdown. Validated and reassured Frank returns to the Alcatraz hotel a renewed man setting himself up for a final four finish if he can keep it together.
Back at the guy suite, Justin, Krasey, Chris L. and the mute guy get the date card and we learn that Chris L. gets the final one-on-one date because it’s his birthday.
Craig R. gets some time in the corner with Ali as the Weatherman and his epaulets (I like that word now) stare at them. Craig R. tries to water down his whiney tattle tale persona by letting Ali know that he’s “all about having fun.” Exactly, right behind keeping tabs on everyone and complaining about everything. Ali pretends to be interested as Craig R. revokes the Weatherman’s attempt to steal her. Kirk stops the nonsense and asks Ali if he can put her and her cold to bed. Nice move, Kirk. It works and Ali uses her Demi Moore voice to let everyone know that no rose will be awarded. As Kirk walks Ali to her room the Weatherman self-loathes.
Back at the room, Chris L. puts on his best Garanimals shirt and packs his Spiderman lunch box in anticipation of his date with Ali. Seriously dude, lose the striped knit shirt. You’re dressed like a 5 year old. Krasey continues his descent into insanity and we picture him guarding and protecting his rectum in some prison shower. Poor guy. He goes AWOL—even though a camera crew follows him to the tattoo parlor where the producers made an appointment for him to get the tattoo that they had an artist draw up.
Ali appears for a one-on-one in a pink hoodie she borrowed from the Weatherman and lets us know that she’s too sick for her date. She sends a note to Chris L. and he handles it well by getting her some flowers, coloring books, and soup. Soup? Well, she is homeless.
All of the guys except Chris N. who doesn’t speak ponder Krasey’s mental status as we see Krasey get his wrist tattooed with a shield protecting a heart. Congrats to the production crew for enabling his nutty behavior. The guy is about as unstable as Frank’s glasses are thick.
Chris L. scores some more points with his deceased mother stories and we see that he is to normal and realistic as Krasey is to twisted and insane. Ali miraculously feels better and takes Chris L. to some bar for seafood. Ali is “SO” everything again. She appreciates his sanity and lifts the reality show cell phone lock down and allows Chris L. to call his dad on his birthday. Dad proves he gets it by assumptively telling Ali that he looks forward to meeting her on the hometown dates. Nicely played, Dad. It never hurts to call in an airstrike when you can. They end the date as Ali and her Michael Jackson blue sequined jacket take Chris L. to a rooftop for a private concert by some poor man’s James Taylor named Joshua Radin. Frankly, Chris L. is too cool for Ali. Chris L. should marry Roberto.
Krasey returns from his “unplanned” excursion and lies about getting burned. “What kind of degree burn is it?” Justin asks demonstrating that he should stick to fake wrestling.
Chris N. says nothing.
Back at the hotel, Krasey and his orange shirt and tie stew in insanity, Craig R. drops an unsolicited insult on Justin, and Frank stresses in his Mad Men suit. Ali shows up in an awful black pant suit and does some poontangin’ around the hotel with Kirk before the Weatherman shows up and seals his fate by breaking out a guitar as the men sit back and watch him implode. The poor Weatherman. If he was cast on Jersey Shore, his nickname would be “The Awkward Situation”.
Chris N. still has nothing to say.
Justin turns the tables on last week’s male beating by confronting Krasey about his alleged burn. Krasey finally shows the tattoo and Frank drops a priceless line saying, “Getting a tattoo. That doesn’t prove anything except that the fact that you’re nuts.” I think that about sums it up. Krasey attempts to show Ali the tattoo but Frank and his Mad Men suit block his attempt as Harrison walks from the production trailer after laughing hysterically at Krasey’s tattoo with the rest of the crew and shows up with the ubiquitous champagne glass and fork to announce the rose ceremony with a big “this one is so good for the ratings” smirk on his face. It’s rare for Harrison to break form, but he just couldn’t resist this week. Watch the tape.
Ali puts the cherry on the sundae by saying, “what a crazy week.” Indeed. She hands out the roses.
1. Chris L. (solid performance this week. He should be in the top 2)
2. Kirk (also a solid week. He should make the top 3)
3. Frank (still unsteady, but better than last week. Keep it together, Frank.)
4. Craig R. (WTF? I can’t stand this guy. I’d rather watch Chris N. say nothing)
5. Chris N. (Nice run, you mute)
6. Roberto (El es Numero Uno. El esta en fuego)
7. Justin (genuinely surprised. Nice recovery this week. Keep it going)
8. Ty (it was nice to see him trade in that stupid choker for a “neck-Ty”)
9. Krasey (he’s too nuts to let go. Producer’s pick. He won’t last another week)
Jesse and his jeans get eliminated and he actually looked relieved. He lost with class and ensured himself his pick of the herd when he hightails it back to the country. The Weatherman refuses to emerge from denial as he fights back a rainstorm of tears. He’s lower than a well digger’s shoes as he sobs into the camera about Ali’s mistake. We hope that Harrison had the decency to hook him up with some Les Miserables tickets.
There it is. With the Amazing count at a blistering 74, we head into next week in anticipation of a trip to Iceland. Let me know your thoughts and predictions. Until next week, if you need me, I’ll be guarding and protecting myself. DP
*EEEEEEEEEEEE* Big girly squeal. That was HI-larious!!! DP, you must feed off fans, because each week, you get more readers, and you get funnier (or, perhaps bolder?)! I was belly laughing and I can't wait to forward this on to my friends to read.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, your best recap yet, my friend! Great addition to my very dull 18th birthday. You are SO amazing. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to put up my ab roller because the belly laughing I get from this is better for my abs than anything. Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff? I laughed all last night during the show in anticipation at what you would say about all the krazy things that went on. One of my favorite lines--Chris H. put a mirror under Chris N's nose to make sure his airways were not obstructed!!!! OMG you are hilarious--can't wait til next week!!!
ReplyDelete(I came upon your blog through Lincee's)
ReplyDeleteI love reading your recaps & Lincee's recaps & seeing the different things you two pick up on. And to hear it from a guy's perspective - Hilarious! I don't know if you've heard in the news (is it really considered news? Maybe tabloids is a better word) that Ali gained 15 pounds during the shooting of the show. She blames it on all the re-taping they did that required her to continuously eat & drink. Google it & you can see the before & after pics. I think it looks like she started gaining it before filming the show - sometime between taking her headshots & whatever week we are in now. I'm sure she'll be in tip-top shape by the ATFR. I do laugh out loud though at your descriptions of her! Looking forward to next week's recap...
I do feed off the fan feedback. It's my favorite part. To answer Rhonda's question; about 95% of what you see is what pops into my head as I watch. There's not a lot of science to it. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting! DP
ReplyDeleteAwesome as usual...of course this week was just a bucket full of crazy, so you had a lot to work with. I give peeps the benefit of the doubt since all we see is an edited version of them, but undoubtedly, Kasey is straight up crazy. The casting peeps & producers must have known they struck absolute gold with him and his desire to "guard and protect" Ali's heart.
ReplyDeleteLine of the night made by good ole Cape Cod: "I don't have unicorn love for her." Loved his whole description.
Awesomely hilarious as always-- I tip my hat. I say Justin will provide the upcoming drama... but Frank -- I wouldn't count him out, he seems sneaky...
ReplyDeleteChris N-- don't get him, unless he's just soooo low under the radar, or she had a childhood thing for Marcel Marceau.
Kasey-- He and Kelly from Real Housewives NY should hop on the batsh*t crazy train together... Now that'd be a match.
I love your turns of phrase and your witty insights!
Is saying that I almost peed my pants reading this a compliment? Well, it should be.
ReplyDeleteTracy, Oddly enough, you're the second person this week that admitting to a peeing incident. The first one was in Arlington, Virginia and resulted in a panty sale. I'm thrilled that you find me so amusing. DP
ReplyDelete"The show begins with a softly lit picture of the most beautiful thing in Los Angeles: Roberto’s dimples." AMEN.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm sitting in a ballroom, at a conference, totally surrounded by really important people and bored out of my gourd. What do I do? Pick up my blackberry and zip over to your blog. This line caused me to nearly fall out of my chair trying to hold in my laughter...
ReplyDelete"Roberto looks more like the guy who shows up on your birthday at your door dressed like a police officer with tear away pants than he does an insurance salesman." Thanks for the entertainment at an otherwise boring conference.
Well, since you find peeing incidents complimentary, I will add that I had to stop and go to the bathroom halfway through your post to make sure that I didn't pee myself. That is how fantastic you are to me.
ReplyDeleteAwwww, Mallory that's so sweet. I guess. DP
ReplyDeleteSome Guy, I LOVE you!!! I found you via Lincee and you rock it every week. It's great hearing a man's perspective and you are always spot on. Your sense of humor is awesome. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteCindy, thank you for loving me. I'm so lad you can accompany me on this journey. You're so amazing. Seriously, thanks for reading. DP
ReplyDeleteHilarious! I actually had my hands over my ears last night, the singing was that bad! Nice recap!
ReplyDeleteThe whole post was hilarious and too many funny lines to comment on them all, but this line made me pause..."Frankly, Chris L. is too cool for Ali. Chris L. should marry Roberto." ...you're absolutely right! I love it. And the weatherman "self-loathing" is right-on. How many derogatory names did he call himself?
ReplyDeleteOh, and I thought Ali looked really good when she arrived at the makeover, but I'm not sure they did her any favors. Her hair and makeup seemed to get worse, but it could have been her sickness. She looked pretty good for a sick girl. I usually look like death when I feel bad. Of course, I don't have HD, so it may be my old, tiny tv, but I thought she still looked good.
Haha, well, I mean it in a good way. :) And you can call me Mal.
ReplyDeleteDude, you're killin me,,,Spanish Harlem,,,nice
ReplyDeleteSome Guy, I'm not watching this season, but have chosen to live it via your recaps. You have a fabulous style -- enough to make me read this installment twice. Your descriptions are so vivid that I don't have to be there -- Spanish Harlem pinata, Roberto selling sand to beaches, Krasey! Thanks for giving us this gift!
ReplyDeleteOMG, Lincee- I forgot the line about Roberto's dimples- HI-larious! DP, you paint such a picture! Even all scruffy in the morning Roberto's a stud. Those eyebrows kill me though. I will say- I was married to a gorgeous Rico Suave (Cuban, whitest smile you've ever seen, latin dance moves, charming as all hell, a Navy pilot to boot, the works), and ladies, he turned out to be a grump butt and a majorly negative a-hole. SOOOO, let's hope that Ali's Rico Suave is a sweetie. (btw- now I have a nerdy, conservative, awkwardly-dancing white boy, and he is the BEST)
ReplyDeleteLove the blog. During Kasey's crazy date I kept thinking "I can't wait to read the blogs (Lincee/A Guy) on this one".
ReplyDeleteI do have to say though I don't know why people criticize Ali's weight and hair so much. I think she's very pretty and athletic looking. Very natural.
Belinda, Thank you for the comment. I've clarified the Ali thing before. I find her attractive; however, she looked much better on Jake's season than she did coming into the show. She's also said in interviews that she gained 15 (read 25) pounds over the filming. My take on that is if you're unemployed and have nothing to do but get ready to go on national TV, she should committ to looking her best. With that said, the booze and food are probably pretty tempting. Thanks for reading. DP
ReplyDelete"In an ironic moment, Kasey repeats three times, 'this is crazy.' No, Kasey, it’s not, but you sure as hell are."
ReplyDeleteI am loving the TV gold that Kasey is turning into!!! And Roberto has been golden all along! How can you not love him?!?!
Great post!!! And by the way, I appreciate how you've turned the Bachelors into your own Final Four bracket! Very Roberto of you!!!
i absolutely love the recaps... they make an otherwise painful viewing experience all the more enjoyable ! hope you end up writing about other shows/events once Bachelorette is over!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Reese. I try. I don't know what the off season holds yet. The Bachelor Pad is a possiblity but I may also resurrect my Stuff Chicks Like series. I'll probably submit the question to the readers and let y'all vote on it. Thanks again for reading. DP
ReplyDeleteSome Guy -- PLEASE blog about The Bachelor Pad!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLove Lincee and love you Guy from Austin! I vote Bachelor Pad!! Bachelor Pad!! Have you seen the lineup? it's gonna be one serious trainwreck of awesomeness!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20055177_20394313,00.html
You rock. My mother actually found your blog and had to share it with me. This is my first season of bachelor/bachelorette ever. I typically hate that garbage, but for some reason this time.. I can't seem to look away.
ReplyDeleteAnd what in the world is up with Mr. Mute?? WTF? Seriously. He has said, "Hi." and that was it. Of course, he's about to blow it bc I saw previews for next week and he does some bogus poem, which proves he has a voice that's so awkward you wish he would stay mute. Ohhh boys.
However, don't mess with my Chris L. =( He totally melts my heart and I believe he's sincere with the mom talk, so shut it mister! You still rock though... Keep up the good work Mr. Austin. ;)
I'm not sure I like that soup comment, Ding Dong.
ReplyDeleteWow. You are a clever boy. Thank you for your service. My copy/paste button was overworked so I gave up and stuck with this generic comment, which unfortunately doesn't reflect how much I love your super extraordinary wit. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Jesse did look relived to be gone. He probably had someone back home create a fake doggy emergency so he could ask ABC to be excused.
ReplyDeleteHow is it possible the network has the money to fly silent Chris and Craig R. to Iceland?
ABC needs to send smoke signals to Roberto and get him to make up some "event" that prevent him from winning so he can come back as the next bachelor.
Frank: He actually seems to love Ali the most for who she is. Whether he deserves to win, I don't know. In the long run he is the best match for her.
Okay, sorry, this is too good to wait for your post tomorrow!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b187007_big_bachelor_bust_jake_vienna_break_up.html
The King of Tools and Sausage broke up!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I can't stand watching that show, I've tried but I just can't do it I can't stay with it, but man I love your blog
ReplyDelete