Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Bachelor Nick Episode 1: Sharknado 4

Hello, Readers, and welcome back to the season premier recap from our favorite guilty pleasure.  Yes, it's Nick's (fourth) turn at trying to find "love" on television and I know you all sat down with your five extra holiday pounds, a big fat case of breathless anticipation, and a generously-filled glass of the good Chardonnay you've been hiding in the back of the pantry and passively/aggressively silently refusing to open for your in-laws last week in favor of the cheap shit.

Sure, there are many disadvantages to being in Nick's position.  On the up side, striking out four times may seem like a lot, but it's actually 2/3 the number of people he's slept with over a hot mic while simultaneously assessing the victim . . . errr . . . young lady's overall wife qualifications.  I suppose a social media or televised  roll in the hay is this generation's "where do you see yourself in five years," and who are we to judge?  Let's not be disingenuous.  Of course we're here to judge.  Is there any other reason to tune in? 

As always, I disclaim this post as one of my least funny of the season.  It's simply too difficult to keep track of all of the strange faces while trying to figure out who's the Crazy One, The Slutty One, and the Crying One.  By the looks of last night's episode,  however, those all might well be the same person (Corinne).  

It's also difficult to post in order of appearance.  So, as per my usual, I've used the ABC website bio order from last week's post.  Let's get to it, shall we?  

Nick.  He's still 36 years old.  That gives him a huge intellectual advantage over the average twenty-something.  Considering that most of these women appear to be far below average emotional intelligence, he should have his way this season.  Nick runs and showers several times within the first few minutes, pontificates about what he's "learned" since being catapulted, albeit voluntarily, into the reality show spotlight (and refusing to leave) over two years ago.  

Think about that.  His reality show career began at the age of 34, or about 4 years after it should have ended.  He's like a douchier version of Benjamin Button.  As for his meeting to gain "perspective" and "knowledge" from Sean, Chris, and Ben, I don't think that fooled anyone.  I suppose Sean Lowe could give him advice on staying married to a Godless person he doesn't like in exchange for cashing in on free promotional items and vacations.  Perhaps Ben could give him advice on how to cash in on free promotional items and vacations while feigning an interest in permanent commitment.     

Nick, then takes a meeting from a comparatively wise and mature person: his 12 year old sister.  Beyond the identical speech impediment they share, I didn't really glean a lot from that conversation.  He's setting a hell of an example for her, though.  To think, in just 6 years, she can get laid by a stranger on TV.      

Post meeting, Nick again reflects what he’s learned in the last 2 years of indiscriminately banging chicks on reality shows.  Based on that, I suppose it's fair to assume he hasn’t learned anything in his prior 34 years that would assist him.

In full disclosure, if you read what I've written about him in the past, you'll see I like Nick.  He's an interesting guy and seems like he has (most of) his shit together in addition to having a decent family.  The guy seems to get in his own way, however, when it comes to relationships.  As we stay in Texas:  he has a tendency to step on his own d*ck.  We'll see how this goes.  

Let's see how the "ladies" did.  

Harrison generously . . . and I mean generously . . . describes this bunch of millennial nitwits (with one or two exceptions) as "accomplished" and "interesting."  Granted, those adjectives don't modify any nouns, so we can't really know what he meant.  That, my fellow fans, is the genius of Chris Harrison.  It is, after all, possible to be an accomplished slut, for instance.  

Moving on . . .     

Alexis.  Let's hope her per-diem was doubled because she agreed to wear the "dolphin" costume which was actually a shark costume.    On the up side, at least it wasn't red.  That would have been embarrassing.  How does a self-proclaimed "dolphin lover" not distinguish between gills and lungs?  Sharks are fish, ergo, the gill marks on the costume.  Dolphins are mammals.  They have lungs, ergo, a  blowhole.   That costume had no blowhole.  I looked.    

The majority of my law practice these days is in the entertainment industry.  People who agree to advertise or endorse "embarrassment products" like tampons, hemorrhoid cream, or adult diapers, for instance, actually get a higher rate for appearing in the ads.  We need to add "animal costumes on reality shows" to this list.  Bless her heart.  She owned it and earned a rose for making Nick laugh.  She has some catching up to do in the romance department, but I don't blame her for getting a bit drunk.  I like her.  I hope she does well.   


Angela.  It's a great thing that she's pretty.  Intellectual pursuits are likely not her strength.  The problem with pretty girls in this environment is that they're all pretty.  She needed more and didn't have it.  I'm sure she'll do just fine when she makes it back to wherever she's from.  I hope the person who picks her up at the airport remembers to explain to Angela where she's been and what she was doing there.    

Astrid.  Pretty dress (not red like all the others), funny comments, and Nick seemed intrigued beyond the usual roll in the hay stare.  I like her.  She's my sleeper as in, "no one thought Astrid would make it to the Fantasy Suite.  She was clearly the sleeper this season."  Not as in, "Nick had sex with Astrid in a mansion broom closet.  She's definitely a sleeper."  Keep in mind that she was also smart enough to not only not wear a red dress but, as a dolphin lover, not get roped into wearing the shark/dolphin costume.  She's smarter than we think.  I'm rooting for her.  

Briana.  I don't remember much about her other than her crying after being booted out.  My notes fail to refresh my recollection.  That about says it all.  It's ok, Briana.  Keep a stiff upper lip . . . oh wait.  Let's hope she doesn't hook up with Chris Soules.  They'd find it impossible to kiss.      

Brittany.  She had potential but did just enough to squeak by with a late rose.  I don't think she's done, but she'd better step it up. The rubber glove prostate exam in the wet driveway left something to be desired.  She should have saved that little surprise for the Fantasy Suite.  Plenty of guys in much shadier parts of town are paying top dollar for that sort of thing.   Some dolphins become tuna fish.  Let's hope she's not one of them.  


Christen. Weird hair and a weird affect. She entered with a yellow Carmen Miranda dress and a fan. Horrible.  Not horrible enough to finish in the bottom eight, however. She looked like a banana and dodged a bullet. 


Corinne.  Oh my, I hate her.  In a Kreskin-esque moment I actually tweeted "anyone want to bet Nick bangs Corrine" 45 minutes before she actually confirmed the fact that she considers her "vagine" to be one of the 8 wonders of the world and putting Nick at the top of the undoubtedly long and distinguished Guest List for a free entry.  To be fair, I could see how her "vagine" might have some things in common with other wonders of the world.  Take the Roman Coliseum, for instance.  It's also large and overused.  

After reminding us that she "runs a multi-million dollar company" several times, she proceeds to throw a few Violet Beauregard-like tantrums before presumptuously hurling herself into a kiss with Nick, interrupting several people, and laying the foundation as the Crazy, Bad, and Slutty One this season.  

She's a classic spoiled brat who, in all likely reality, works as a phone-answerer/coffee getter at a company her father built and upon which she's freeloaded her entire life.  If Daddy's money and her own petulance don't work for her, she'll go to what is likely her only fallback position--sleeping with someone and considering it a privilege.  Nick will buy her act until she ruins it by throwing herself at him in a fit of frustration.  Let's hope he teaches her for the first time in her cushy life that you can't spell "Corrine" without N.O.   

Danielle L. “Small business owner” who loves The Notebook.  By far (in my opinion) the prettiest one out of the limo.  She's owns three nail salons, which is three more than the number of bras she owns.  Her full sternum, half boob reveal shirt made a big statement.  She got a rose.  I was thankful that it wasn't a corsage rose.  Nick would have struggled for a place to pin it.  She's hot and seems sane, but she's really young.  She'll do well.    


Danielle M.  NICU nurse with a nice, easy personality.  Almost too easy.  She might have pilfered a few muscle relaxers from the hospital pharmacy before the show.  Keep in mind that she still has the dead finance story in her back pocket.   We all know that's a get one more episode for free card.  It's like a morbid version of the Express Pass on Amazing Race.  She might not need it for a while.  He seemed either interested or maybe he just caught a second hand high.   

Dominique.  VERY uneventful.  The restaurant server managed to get served with a rose.  She was lost in the sea of red dresses and didn't dress like a fish or a sea-faring mammal.  

Elizabeth "Liz".  One of the few whose picture looks better than she did in person.  She admits to banging Nick at Jade's wedding but swears she won't tell anyone about it right after she told all of us about it on national television.  I can't wait until all of the other women find out.  

After her father pulled himself up off of his living room floor, I'm sure he was just as surprised as we were when she dropped, "it's kind of a turn on that [Nick] doesn't remember having sex with me."  God help us.  

Nick couldn't kick her to the curb (although he clearly wanted to) without looking like the douche he fought so hard to rehabilitate himself from in the first hour of the show.  She's a Doula.  I didn't have time to look that up, but from what I can gather, it means a shameless, fame-seeking, one night stand who can't take a hint.    

Elizabeth.   "What is your greatest achievement to date? Not just one thing.  My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate." 

I know I wrote that last week, but its profundity deserves repeating.  It's equivalent to Spicoli's "I don't know" in Mr. Hand's class in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.   

She wore a wedding dress and was sufficiently attractive and non-irritating enough to get a rose.  

Hailey.  She proved her self to have a decent sense of humor as she used it to deflect from the impending possibility that she could lose her rose to the Girl in the Dolphin Shark Suit.  Incidentally, isn't that the title of a Stieg Larsson book?  She's a possible sleeper.  And by that I mean she's either going to come OOT of nowhere to make Canada proud or she's going to put us all to sleep trying.  


I hate to pile on a fellow Texan, but the trust fall out of the limo didn't earn her any points. She was attractive, just not memorable.

Jaimi.  Her "I have balls" limo exit leading into the placement of a nose ring had Nick looking horrified.  Apparently, she let's him know that she's bisexual next week.  Note to Nick:  invite her on a two on one date before you eliminate her.  

Jasmine B.  So odd that her love and mastery of Steve Harvey's prose didn't carry her easily past the first elimination.  Hopefully, she can convince her relatives to join her in trying out for Family Feud.  

Jasmine G.  Anyone else recognize her from the Dallas Cowboys  Cheerleaders Making the Team reality show?  She's apparently an NBA dancer or something to that effect now.  She's attractive but went a little whacko when she started to feel insecure.  That's not a good sign a few hours into the first cocktail party on night one.  They've got less than a 25% chance of being eliminated.  That should never bring tears.  If she can pull it together, she'll stick around for a while.  

Josephine.  Giggly millennial fool who jumped around Santa Monica in white pants (I knew it. #whitepantstheory) and made absolutely no sense when she spoke for the entire two hour program.  Maybe I'm mean, but I just don't like her.  She got one of the "you're not as bad as the bottom 8" roses.  Nick might be a "weiner in her book" but she's an idiot in mine.  Like her extensions, she'll fall off next week.  

Kristina.  Not nearly as attractive as her headshot but she made up for it with the mysterious Latin accent.  Granted, she was crying at the time, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt like Jasmine G. above.  She's got some work to do, but may be competitive enough to dig herself out of the hole she's in.  

Lacey rides a camel into the mansion driveway because Nick "likes a good hump."  Tasteless, but memorable.  At least she didn't wear a llama costume and refer to herself as a camel all night.  To be fair, Alexis would have had a hell of a time getting an undetected dolphin in the pool.  The same is true for a shark that resembles a dolphin.  I say every season that under the radar for the first couple of shows is often an effective strategy.  She disappeared after her memorable entry and that was enough to move her ahead.       

Lauren.  Went with the Viall Hussie merger and Christened herself and Nick as a "Disgusting Slut".  Clever?  Not really.  Memorable? Apparently not.  She should have let him touch her supple shoulders.  

Michelle.  She told Nick she'd make Lemons out of Lemonade.  Unoriginal and forgettable.  She had a pretty smile but failed to catch his attention.     

Olivia (the Bachelor contestant, not the one on Scandal).  She was pretty but clearly lacked confidence.  I wished we would have heard her utter at least one word.  She could have gone full Eskimo out of the limo but made a nice entrance and seemed very promising.  Nick just wasn't that Innuit.  

Alright, I used that joke two weeks ago.  It's still funny.  I'll stop now, however.  I don't want to club it to death.  Olivia's quiet demeanor likely "sealed" the deal for Nick.  Goodbye Eskimo puns.   I'll miss you. 


Rachel. She’s an attorney from Dallas who earned the hell out of the First Impression Rose. Also, the past few seasons have featured a high finisher who was first out of the limo. She was. The vacuuming in her living room was ridiculous and humiliating. Then again, she wasn't wearing a shark suit that she thought was a dolphin suit. She's going to go far for two reasons. First, she's pretty, seems fun, and held Nick's attention. I think that was genuine. Second, it's time for a "diverse" pick to make it further than the second episode. Call me what you want for saying that out loud, but I think it's true.  I do think she'll go Top 5 on her own merit. I liked her a lot even though she lied about what she does as a first year lawyer.   

Raven.  Top 3.  Hear me out.  Southern accent, dark hair, nice disposition.  She's a boutique owner, which means she's a bit artsy.  Nick likes artsy (Kaitlyn).  Small town values, quirky sense of humor, not the hottest and she knows it.  She'll be disarming (not like Sara, but in the emotional sense), which will allow Nick to be vulnerable.  She's an escape from the drama and I think he's going to like her.  Odds are, I'm wrong, but she's the only one that spiked my interest last week and this week.  I'm putting my money on her for Fantasy Suit.  "Quoth Some Guy From Austin and nothing more.” 

Sarah.  She was bubbly and fun.  A little too bubbly and fun for my taste, but if she puts out Nick will probably like her.  The running shoes with the formal dress and the run up the driveway were a little too much, but we all know she was forced to do it.  I can't wait to see her drunk.  

Susannah.  If we learn anything from her we should learn that in order to keep a man's attention it is often necessary to massage somewhere other than his beard.  She fumbled the ball.  

Taylor.  Sigh.  She's a 23 year old mental health counselor who told Nick her friends think he's a "total piece of sh*t," although that was later revised to just one friend.  I don't know why they create the illusion like these women have been doing their professional jobs for years.  Just be honest about it.  You know that guy that walked through "her" office door was some boom operator from the crew who happened to be in the break area when they needed a "patient" for her to "treat" in her intro.

Vanessa.   She speaks a few languages, teaches special needs kids while wearing rattlesnake print hot pants, and has a personality.  She's not one of the most physically attractive to me, but she seems to have her head on straight and may be a bit of a Mother Hen type.  After all, special needs teaching has to be similar to herding drunken, morally flexible, mansion hostages, albeit far less important and not nearly as gratifying.  

Teaching is a calling and a gift and teaching those who have difficulty being taught takes an incredibly exceptional type of person.  Who knows how she got talked into this show.  Nick will like her.    


Come Hither Stare Whitney.  Pilates instructor is a cool job for a hot chick and Nick will likely be forced into that weird pseudo-sexual gym date with her very soon.  She's hot and kept her head down.  She could be sitting back waiting for her time to shine.   

Well, there it is.  Episode 1 is in the can and we're now down to 22 women from a record-setting 30.  That doesn't count whomever they bring back ala Nick on Kaitlyn's season to stir up trouble, but you get the picture.  

I'm looking forward to a great season.  Please post your feedback in the Comments section below.  Let's discuss.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be looking for a doula to help me with my platinum vagine.  



  1. Great recap!
    I also wanted to point out that Nick made a thing about Liz (large arms btw) coming on the show when she could have easily gotten his number from their mutual friends from the past 9 months. Um- didn't Nick himself come onto Kaitlyn's show at least 3 weeks into it, and already know her?!? That was hypocritical.
    Still like him though and his new facial hair.

    1. Correction. It was established after the on-air sex fest between Nick and Kaitlyn that they had, in fact, been texting and talking and that SHE had asked producers to get him on the show. The truth (from a guy's perspective) is that Nick isn't interested in Liz. If he was, he would have sought her out after the wedding. Fact. DP

    2. Oh wow, I didn't know Kaitlin had asked nick to come on the snow!
      Re Nick being uninterested in Liz, totally! But he comes off as a great guy since he asked for her number, very courteous ✌��

  2. "Qouth Some Guy in Austin..." 😂😂😂

    I like the NICU nurse and she knows Wisconsin. Same for Rachel, who I like, and Nick seemed to connect with them both because they understand where he's from. That said, neither of them will win. I think they'll do well, but I don't think they are needy enough for Nick.

    I also like Danielle and she's my pick for sleeper. If she's not balls to the walls crazy, she could be potential Bachelorette material.

    Let's not lie, I'm not a Nick fan, but I can't wait to see the shitstorm unfold (and I'm referring to Corinne's vagine). Nick will totally enjoy his "breathtaking" views and "incredible" (con)quests this season.

    Thanks for the fun recap!

    1. Solid insights. We'll see how it shapes up once he culls the herd. DP

  3. So much sleazy greatness for you to work with this season -- this was a brilliant start. Between the sweaty Farmer, Nuck's am arm and the platinum vagine (never heard the vagine term in my life), it was a shitshow. Can't wait for your thoughts as this crap unravels!

    Marti in Dallas

    1. Meant to say Nick's smarm -- don't really trust him -- looking to you as my authenticity spirit guide, SGIA.

  4. Favorite line, by far: "She'll be disarming (not like Sara, but in the emotional sense)..."

    If this 4th time's the charm thing works out for Nick, I wouldn't be surprised to see Sara as the bachelorette hoping the same is true for her.

    Just read your last three blog posts in a row - thanks for a solidly productive work day!

  5. Another season of ladies who are way too young for the current bachelor - can't see the appeal of somebody as much as 13 years older but these ladies will get their time on TV. From the looks of the previews, somehow Corrine manages to make it pretty far into this journey. From what we saw in her bio, she is one spoiled rotten young lady-can't see Nick falling for somebody like her. I like Danielle M and Raven so far. Can't figure Liz's angle out. She had every opportunity to get in touch with Nick but waited until he was the bachelor to slither back into his life. Going to be interesting when others find out she has been with Nick.
    Thanks for your witty and snarky insight as usual
    Sal in Utah

  6. I thought the first night was pretty boring, but I have 3 blogs to read (this one being my fav), and it isn't as fun without watching the show. There are a couple I think will go far, and my strongest feeling is that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. Unless Nick tells two girls he loves them or something like that.
    ~Kim (NY Longhorn)

    P.S. Happy 10th Anniversary of the National Championship! (Yes, that felt a little pathetic saying that.)

  7. Platinum vagine... I guess when something gets used that much it makes sense to reinforce it with metal. Ick! Some of these "ladies". Looks like it could be an interesting season with lots of crying all around. Glad to see you back, always look forward to the recap.

  8. I love sarcasm. It's my favorite language. That's why I have read and enjoyed your column for years. BUT - the comment about Sean and Catherine was mean!

  9. I like Danielle til I found out she's ina music video and a model. But she's here for the right reasons and looking for love, riiiiight.

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