Friday, May 24, 2013

It's Bachelorette Time and DP Returns

Well Hello, Readers.  What's new?  I know, I know.  Some Guy has been about as absent as a gay scoutmaster at a Boy Scouts of America rally over the past few months.  Believe me, it hasn't been from a lack of desire to write.  I've been swamped lately with work and that whole getting married thing that I still owe you a post about.  It makes me more uncomfortable than a bastard on Father's Day to leave my pet project sitting this long.  I won't insult your intelligence with an apology; rather, I'll make it up to you in laughs (I hope).   

Enough about me, though.  Let's talk about the upcoming Bachelorette season before I talk more about myself again.  As any good reporter not in the midst of a secret DOJ search of his phone records is apt to do prior to putting fingers to keyboard about such a hard hitting matter as Dez's 25 maybe one day potential fiances, I did my due diligence by scouring the ABC website and viewing the profiles of this season's bunch of Chachis.


Yes, that's actually Scott Baio.  We should all have a picture like that taken of us some time in our lives.  I'll see what I can do about getting mine done ASAP.  For those of you too young to appreciate it (Mallory) Scott Baio actually played Chachi Arcola on Happy Days and its eventual spin off, Joanie Loves Chachi.  That's neither here nor there for our purposes today, however.  Back to the subject at hand.
I'll have you know that I had grand plans to construct a clever, side-splitting post featuring some of my best insults about all of the men vying for an inevitable showdown with Dez's well-meaning but egregiously unstable brother this season.  Here comes the "however."

HOWEVER, upon scrolling through the Charcuterie of Chumps I couldn't help but be amazed (and yes, that's the appropriate word) by one Chump in particular. 


Hell, he even looks like Chachi.  Who is he and why does he annoy DP, you ask?  Apparently, his name is Nick.  His "deal breakers" in relationships include "high maintenance label whores" and someone who has "no motivation or goals."  When asked if he prefers to be the pursuer or the pursuee in he answered as follows: 
"I think a balance of both is very important. The chase is what makes the milk worth the squeeze, and it's important to know that a woman wants to pursue me as well. It's a two-way street."
I know what you're saying:  "DP, how can it get any better?"  It's about to get better. 
In response to the "what is your favorite television show and why" inquiry, Nick answered, "America's Funniest Home Videos. Besides being on the show a few years back, I laugh out loud the entire show whenever I watch it."
I'm not done yet.  But I'll give you all a moment to wipe the drool off of your keyboards, change your underwear, and recover from The Vapors.

I have indeed saved the best part for last.  I'll share it with your before I break the rest of it down.  Nick is (as many of you have undoubtedly guessed) a Magician.  A freaking Magician.  Let's explore that a bit, shall we? 

First of all, magic--particularly the kind where a full grown man seeks validation after being ostracized in high school by dressing up in a cape, hiring hot, scantily clad women, and performing 'illusions'--pisses me off.  It's hokey, fake, and ridiculous.  It places a very close second behind clowns on my list of things I dislike.

Incidentally, Jake Pavelka would have made that list but after some thought I decided that the word "clown" was broad enough to include him. 

Secondly, raise your hand if you're a female in the audience who is reduced to a stuttering pile of mush at the mention of the word "magician."  I have no way of actually checking but I don't believe a saw any hands go up.  There's a reason that magic and kids' birthday parties go hand in hand:  adults think it's stupid.  Hell, the biggest trick this guy can pull off this season is making himself stick around past whatever stupid coin trick he's going to pull on Dez when he gets out of the limo.  If he has any sense of humor he'll ditch the silver dollar and pull a condom out from behind her ear.  My only hope is that Harrison has some fun with the guy with questions like, "are you planning on making the salami disappear?"  We should all be so lucky. 

Third of all, the guy's profile answers smack of misogyny.  Well, with the exception of the part where he admits that his favorite person in the world is his mother.  "Label whore," "The chase is what makes the milk worth the squeeze"?  Good Lord.  Instead of The Incredibly Magnificent Nick or whatever his rabbit-out-of-a-hat name is, the guy should stick with The Incredibly Sexist Nick.

Look, far be it from me to knock a guy pursuing his passion.  Good for him.  It's not too far from me to make fun of it, however.  Pick a card, any card.  How about the King of Douches, Nick? 

What an idiot.

Third, America's Funniest Videos? Is that show even on TV anymore? I suppose if he's into cats falling off counters and overweight fathers being hit in the groin with Wiffle bats he has a point. I'd rather watch all four Twilight movies in one sitting than suffer through an episode of scripted nonsense featuring home movies taken when Clinton was still in office.  Come to think of it, I'd like to see Robert Patinson get hit in the groin with a Wiffle bat. 

So where does this leave me? 

Subject to and without withdrawing any of my comments above, I'm totally rooting for this guy to magically appear at Dez's family's house so he can dazzle her brother with some sleight of hand. 

Go Nick. 

Well, there it is.  We're off.  I look forward to getting caught up with all of you this season.  Hit me up in the Comment section or on Twitter.  I'll sprinkle in some wedding stuff throughout the season since I've been getting a lot of requests for feedback.  Below is a pic from the Big Day.  Thanks for sticking around.  I look forward to the season.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be working on my salami illusions.  DP



  1. I cracked up laughing at the shoutout you gave me. Thanks, DP. Not my fault I'm a decade and a half (or so) behind you! :)

    Also, you couldn't even smile for a picture at your own wedding? What a buzzkill. ;) Your wife looks beautiful, though.

  2. What a surprise to see your post!!!! I just sneezed 12 times in a row....have I developed an allergic reaction to you????
    I loved you wedding picture, eagerly await more.
    AS far as the Bachelorette goes, my money's on Micheal and not just because he's a fellow New Yorker. Reading through his comments he seems to be one of the few normal ones. Who is the one in the commercials who is approached by his girlfriend?????
    So happy to see you back
    B from NY

  3. Glad to have you back...beautiful wedding picture. Can't wait for an update on that! I am not sure this season will be worth watching. Des is a nice girl, but really insecure and seems to not feel worthy of being the Bachelorette. Girl you need to OWN it! We shall see... Kim, NV

  4. Welcome back DP! Beautiful wedding pic of you and your bride. Try to remember to wear your statement necklace when you have your Chachi-esque photo shoot in your bathrobe, with Mrs. SGIA playing the part of the hand model. Looking forward to your Bachelorette recaps and also a wedding post!

  5. Welcome back! Huge laughs at myself. I have to admit I was a Scott Baio fan back in the 80's. Posters on walls and everything. Then his reality show came on a few years back and then had the revelation "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!". Your post was needed after a long work week. Can't wait for this season's posts. From the previews looks like you will have a lot of material to work with.

    Paula in Sacramento

  6. Welcome back! So glad to see you! When I read the Bachelor profiles, my FIRST thought when I saw 'the magician' was man, I can't wait to see what DP says about THIS guy. And you didn't fail to impress! That was hilarious :)

  7. You're back! Hooray!!! Looking forward to your recaps.

  8. Best line...'wipe the drool off of your keyboards, change your underwear, and recover from The Vapors'. LOVE IT!! We've missed you DP!

    Cindy from Hoover