Hello, Readers. That’s right, it’s time to kick off the next season of the show I’m completely sick of watching but personally obligated to review for you. It’s time to put the substantive topics and sophomoric high school antics stories away for a while and dust off my Bachelor speak in preparation for yet another (boring) Texan’s amazing journey to find the sugar in his tea or the spurs on his boots or—in Sean’s case—the gel in his hair.
If you’ve been sticking around and putting up with my unpredictability over the past few months, thank you. If you abandoned me in order to spend more time on Pinterest, Reality Stan, Pioneer Woman, or whatever alternative blog tickles your collective fancy then welcome back. Now let’s get to it.
Sean. Sigh… Ok, so he surveyed well after getting dumped on his “aw shucks, I’m such a nice guy even though I squint uncontrollably” ass by Emily in favor of the filthy rich Mormon with the sweet ranch in
Oh yea, and Jef had a personality too.
Look, I don’t want to be too hard on Sean . . . yet. He’s clearly built for the obligatory three
shower scenes per show, seems like a nice enough guy in spite of his oculocutaneous
albinism, and was
sufficiently interesting enough to stick around for the final three last
season. We all know that’s enough to
overcome ABC’s aversion for the risk of actually going out and searching for a
new guy to assume the helm of the S.S. Bachelor this season. In short, we’re stuck with this guy for the
next few months. We might as well begin
by giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But first, let’s run down the ladies.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t know any of these broads. My comments here come strictly from two things. First, the head shot. Granted, they’re air brushed and polished more than the Queen’s silver teapot, but that’s all we have go by in the looks category until the big show airs. Second, the woefully inadequate profile featuring such earth-shatteringly insightful questions as “If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? How would you use it?” (Riveting) and “Do you consider yourself a romantic?” A more useful inquiry would be “do you consider yourself crazy?”
Let’s see what Sean has to work with this season.
1. Amanda—Blessed by a fortuitously alphabetical-ordered name, Amanda makes it clear right out of the gate that this year’s Ubiquitous 30-foot Scarf is the Statement Necklace. I have it on good authority (see SLF) that over sized, colorful necklaces are trending upward. Amanda seems cute enough and, while the ages of the ladies are conspicuously absent this time, appears to be one of the younger ones in the bunch. She has an affinity for writing in second person and would choose teleportation as her superpower because it’s “easier than traveling.” Someone over at ABC needs to explain to her that teleportation is, in fact, a form of traveling. Maybe Sean could use that as an ice breaker.
PREDICTION: Amanda and her Statement Necklace will make it past the cocktail party.
2. Ashlee—Again, riding the happy accident that her parents chose the letter “E” rather than the letter “Y” at the end of her name, she ranks alphabetically first in a series of Ashlees this season. Also failing to distinguish herself by attempting to distinguish herself with a Statement Necklace, Ashlee smiles pensively through her thick brown hair and subtle highlights doing her best to not look like Fergie. If she could have lunch with one person it would be (brace yourselves for this one) Adele. Just in case my instincts were incorrect I Googled “Adele” praying that there was some historical figure who shared the same name as the portly singer. Nope. If Ashlee would have lunch with any person in the world, she’d pick Adele. As I’ve said before, “Sigh. . .”. PREDICTION: She gets the boot.
3. Ashley H.—Remember when I referred earlier to Sean’s oculocutaneous albinism? I’m not sure this combination would fly over at Kensington and Smith’s mansion of a playhouse at Sean’s brother’s place in
On the up side, I’m sure Kensington and Smith will ask her if she’s
there to clean the playhouse. Plano
Alright, perhaps those comments are in poor taste. However, in context, I find it disturbing that ABC caved to the pressure of having a politically correct amount of diversity in its selections. Look, if Sean was involved in the process and picked all 25 of these women, then I’m wrong. Ashley H. is very pretty and her profile is straightforward and simple. She also has one hell of a Statement Necklace. Sean would do well to give her some one-on-one time at the cocktail party rather than wasting his time with some of the others. PREDICTION: She’s a top 5 finisher.
4. Ashley P.—This season’s first hermaphrodite and definitely the least attractive of the Ashlees. Again, I’m just going by the head shot but her features are a tad on the masculine side. In her profile, she alludes to the fact that all of her friends are married which means she might be a bit older than the median age of the bunch. That could mean that she’s taken the time to learn and mature in her life. It could also mean she’s got more baggage than the Samsonite store at the local outlet mall. PREDICTION: She’s more attractive in person and makes it past the cocktail party.
5. Brooke—You know what would have worked better than those feather earrings? A Statement Necklace. Her favorite “holiday” is her birthday. Apparently, Brooke not only has poor taste in earrings, she’s also a rampant narcissist. Normally, a person has to either discover a new continent or be assassinated in order to have his birthday designated as a holiday. My favorite holidays? Christmas, Labor Day, Easter, New Year’s Day, and Brooke’s Birthday. Sort of a non-sequitur, isn’t it? PREDICTION: She’ll drift away like feather earrings in the wind.
6. Catherine—My initial reaction upon clicking the forward arrow on my screen and seeing her picture come up was, “she’s cute.” That’s not a word I use often; however, I think it is the perfect one here. Pleasant face, pleasant smile. Rather than going with Oprah (or Adele), Catherine chose the more vague, infinitely inclusive “anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others” for her Who do you admire answer. Presumably combining a trip to her half-homeland with her bucket list, she tells us that she wants to ride an elephant in
. If she plays her cards correctly, she’ll
likely get to ride a beefy albino in Thailand . Now that’s what I’d call a happy ending. PREDICTION:
She’s either certifiably crazy or she’ll make it to the Fantasy Date. Dallas
7. Daniella—A clearly more “mature” woman with “blonde” hair and a gift for dirty come hither looks and brevity in her profile answers. PREDICTION: Like her Statement Necklace and her profile answers, her stay will be unremarkable and brief.
8. Desiree—Her name is exactly one “E” too long. She’s a brunette with pretty eyes and an average smile. “Eat, Pray, Love” is her favorite book because she characterizes it as a “personal journey of overcoming and finding love.” I’m not sure how a person overcomes love. I have to disagree wholeheartedly with Desiree about that book. It’s about a rich woman who goes on a self-indulgent trip because she can afford to do it. The only “journey” in it is the one where she runs away from her own responsibilities in the name of eating and sleeping her way across several continents. Desiree also doesn’t like a guy who tries to impress her, which should serve her well when it comes to Sean’s personality. PREDICTION: She’ll be sent packing after the cocktail party.
9. Diana—Puppy-eyed girl next door type with a plunging neckline and an obvious affinity for tanning beds. She’s physically attractive but I can’t get past her profile. She wants to be “treated like a lady,” which is fine provided it doesn’t mean “I want my ass kissed all day.” She also wants to be Taylor Swift for a day to know what it feels like to be “extremely talented.” Good Lord, where do they find these people? PREDICTION: She’s Never Ever Ever Ever Going to Win. (Props to me for the Taylor Swift tie in. I’m horrified that joke came so easily to me.)
10. Jackie—She’s my favorite. Granted, her picture is air brushed to the point of not looking real and the lighting makes her eye makeup look more like war paint, but I love her profile. It’s honest and—unlike the majority of the rest of them—doesn’t scream “I’m trying too hard to impress you!” She also forwent the Statement Necklace in favor of a simple gold locket. Bold, considering her peer group, wouldn’t you agree? She not so subtely tees up this season’s first suffering parent story, so I’ll have to reserve judgment until I see how that’s positioned. PREDICTION: She’ll stick around for a while.
11. Kelly—Another “blonde” with a lot of make up. She looks like Carmen Electra’s younger, sluttier (if that’s possible) sister. Like David Bowie, her eyes are different colors. She characterizes herself as “Adventurous” (read, promiscuous) and her profile is rife with clichés like “first and foremost.” She also admits, albeit subtly, to reading self help books. She’s either really cool or really nuts. We’ll see. PREDICTION: She’ll be around for a few shows.
12. Katie—Pretty brunette with Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons hair. She’s very pretty and is also a member of the Statement Necklace Team. She loves “The Southern Region,” which might prove advantageous for Sean if he keeps her around for the Fantasy Dates. Ah yes, I’m back. We’ve gone from race stereotyping all the way to anal sex references. I’ve missed doing this. PREDICTION: She seems normal. She’ll fly under the radar for a while and might even be a dark horse.
13. Keriann—Ho Hum. She loves salsa dancing and has an unbelievably naïve definition of marriage in her profile. PREDICTION: She’ll make it past round one.
14. Kristy—She’s another one of my favorites in the looks category. She loves “Father of the Bride” and “Dirty Dancing” which means she’s overly romantic and wants to be swept off of her feet. Considering the fact that Sean threw that giant log so hard in his kilt until it eventually broke last season, it appears that Sean is capable (at least physically) of performing that act. She also loves “exotic places,” which (say it with me) might prove advantageous for Sean if he keeps her around for the Fantasy Dates. PREDICTION: She’ll make it far.
15. Lacey—Another “mature” and “blonde” woman. She and her stripper name like “being mysterious,” which is good because she’s going to have to lie about her age. PREDICTION: She should book a return ticket to Cougarville right away.
16. Lauren—She’s my favorite for Sean. In fact, she’s perfect. She’s blonde, perky, and likely a dunce. She’ll fit in perfectly in Uptown Dallas. She uses “My brothers and I” incorrectly and tells us that the best book she ever read (on tape, no doubt) was written by that literary titan Katie Couric. PREDICTION: Fantasy Date.
17. Lesley—She looks like Nicole Ritchie if Nicole Ritchie took up eating. Her favorite memory from childhood is “the whole thing in its entirety”. In fact, her childhood was “perfect.” Run, Sean. She’s either spoiled rotten or her expectations for a man are unattainable. Apparently, her childhood was not that perfect. She failed to learn English grammar. PREDICTION: She’ll make it past the party.
18. Leslie—She wants to be homeless. Attractive but unremarkable. PREDICTION: Sean will drop her off under a bridge after the cocktail party.
19. Lindsay—Another favorite—She’s the “party starter” with the best head shot. Her horrible date story is that she once got set up with “an old man”. He was totally like almost 40. She’s hot and fun. PREDICTION: Top 5.
20. Robyn—Attractive, but an oddly creepy smile. She admits to stalking her friend’s ex-boyfriend. The jury is still out on this one. PREDICTION: She’ll make it past round one.
21. Sarah—She’s the aging college drop out who went to art school. She also refers to her dog as her son, which is one of my pet peeves (no pun intended). She’s Gwen’s age for crying out loud and it appears that she borrowed her Statement Necklace from her bestest high school friend, Nefertiti. Google it. That’s a good joke. PREDICTION: She’ll be in her home town well before the hometown dates.
easy on the eyes. She’s apparently
mastered the head tilt cutesie smile pose.
She wants to be Oprah but I won’t hold that against her in light of her
appearance. She’s “sentimental” but not
“romantic” which might mean that she’s got a solid head on her supple
shoulders. Sean should definitely stand
up for his rights and stage a big march on Selma . He should judge her not by the color of her skin but by the content of her character. MLK and Selma references. See what I did there? PREDICTION: She’ll go far. Selma
23. Taryn—Another aging “blonde.” She has a gift for sentence fragments and looking like Olivia Newton-John. Other than that, I find nothing worth noting. Time will tell her fate. PREDICTION: She’ll get expelled from
. Rydell High School
24. Tierra—Her name means “land” in Spanish; however, this Tierra is not del Fuego. She has a bit of a naughty look to her orange tanning creamed face and body. I’ll bet Tierra can’t wait to get plowed. I’ll bet she can’t wait for Sean to survey her acreage. I’ll save the rest of my Tierra land jokes in hopes that she makes it past the cocktail party. PREDICTION: Pray she makes it. I’m warehousing jokes as you read this.
Yes, we're missing 25. Gee, I can't wait to see what the surprise is. Well, there it is. My rundown. The big show starts January 7. I have an off season post or two I’ll be getting to between now and then. Enjoy your holidays. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be shopping for Statement Necklaces. DP