Off Season 14: DP Tells All for the Third Time

Hello, Readers, and thank you for returning to the blog after what turned into an exhausting Bachelorette season. Yes, I realize that this post is up on my normal Tuesday post date as opposed to being the bonus post I promised last Thursday. Yes, I realize I haven’t mentioned the ATFR or MTA shows. Yes, I realize I owe you an explanation for all of the above.

First, I took the time on Wednesday of last week to watch both MTA and ATFR and, frankly, I just couldn’t bring myself to write about either. Ryan provided some good material when he mentioned reading relationship books prior to showing up at the mansion and William teed it up for me to drive down the fairway when he tearfully apologized for, well, being himself. However, I’m tired of this season and I just couldn’t bring myself to invest the hours it would have taken to wow you with my beguiling take on the aforementioned shows. If that disappoints you, I sincerely apologize. My sanity is important to me and I had to make an executive decision. I also had an impromptu work trip that sealed the deal.

Next, I needed time to amalgamate the couple hundred questions for my DP Tells All 3 that were streaming into my Inbox like sluts into a Miami nightclub. I usually narrow them into categories (the emails, not the sluts) and then narrow them into compound questions in addition to picking a couple that interest me and/or make me laugh. I’m happy to say that I’ve got a list to answer below and I hope you enjoy it. As always, if your specific question did not make the cut, it’s nothing personal. Again, my sanity is important to me. What I do try and do is include all of the information sought into other responses. If you don’t get what you’re looking for here, email me and I’ll try and answer.

Last, I’d like to break the news that I am not going to be recapping the Bachelor Pad this season. The premier was literally three hours long. Three hours? I had to review the cast selection and make sure Kevin Costner wasn’t in it. I also watched the teasers and the Internet clips on ABC’s website when I was trying to decide if I was going to do it. You’ll have to trust me when I say that it was a difficult decision for me to make and it wasn’t one that I arrived at hastily. I just can’t do it. I need a break from the shows and I have a lot of ideas for off season stuff that I’d like to explore. Again, if that disappoints you I sincerely apologize. Hopefully, you’ll continue to read the off season stuff and, if not, I hope to see you back here when the next season of the Bachelor begins. If you’re gone for good, I wish you luck and thank you for reading what you did. With that said, let’s get to DP Tells All 3.

DO YOU PREFER BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

Such and important question to tackle, isn’t it? Before I give a definitive position on this one let me say a few things about what I believe are women’s perceptions based (accurately, I might add) on how men’s desires are portrayed in the media. For the record, I’m assuming the person who asked this meant blonde or brunette women.

There has been for as long as I can remember a perception that every man wants a nubile blonde with a big set of hooters in a skimpy outfit to feed him grapes and rub his hard working feet in addition to catering to all of his other needs. Granted, the last part of that sentence is quite appealing; however, I’ll tell you that the first part is the exception and not the rule. For instance, I personally find no redeeming qualities in Kendra, Holly, and the other blonde that Hefner used to pretend to date. Bleach blonde hair, overtly fake boobs, tons of make up, and tiny outfits are for cartoon characters as far as I’m concerned. A lot of men I know agree. Allow me to explain.

In my experience as a man—as opposed to my experience as a woman?—I can tell you that men do not find blondes any more attractive than they do any other category of women. Any “scientific study” that says anything different is simply not accurate. Sure, blondes may be more recognizable in a crowd, but there’s a difference between garnering attention and men finding them more attractive. Hugh Hefner’s preferences and the fact that he’s owned the most widely circulated men’s nudie magazine for the past half century haven’t done anything to dispel that myth, but out here in the real world women of all shapes and sizes get it done. More about this in a later question, but now my answer.

Although I appreciate the qualities that I consider to be beautiful in all women of all shapes and sizes, I am more attracted to brunettes than I am to blondes. I suppose this attraction began back in Kindergarten when I developed my first crush on Kristin Cunningham who had dark hair, olive toned skin, and a set of light blue eyes that made my Legos melt. I would have gladly given up my bowl of stale Cheerios at snack time for a chance to sleep in the cot next to hers at nap time.

The biggest thrill of my young life came when she and I were named square dance partners in music class. I was as dedicated to the dosey doe as any kindergartner could be and, although I never confirmed it, I believe she was into me too. I suppose my preference is equal to any proclivity that naturally occurs in any person. We like what we like, right. I have a best friend who’s never dated a girl who wasn’t rail thin, blonde, and over 5’10”. In fact, he’s married two of them.

Oddly enough, I have olive skin, dark hair, and blue eyes. I wonder what that says about my relationship with myself?

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON SEXTING?

Here’s my opinion on all activity that takes place between two consenting adults: It is unequivocally the sole business of the two people involved in the relationship and has absolutely no relevance outside the context of that relationship. Despite what Gloria Allred thinks, what two people do behind closed doors or via their own phones is their business. Period. Now let’s get to the however.

Sexting is the modern day extension of the windshield note from a mistress, the cocktail napkin bearing the lipstick phone number, the suggestive phone message, or any other method of standard delivery through the ages. I suppose it would have been difficult to suggestively flirt via Pony Express, but the telegraph would have solved some of that problem. However, I can’t imagine walking through the dusty streets of my frontier town to hand the guy at the post office a filthy message to tap out to my special lady in Dodge City or wherever.

I’m certain there are suggestive cave drawings somewhere around the world and I’m sure those made it to papyrus once the Egyptians figured that out. Granted, it would have been difficult to sneak into the cave and paint a message on the wall, but the point is that this is nothing new.

The trouble with putting anything that personal down in any permanent form and sending it to another person is that it exists forever. Couple that with the fact that it can now be sent instantaneously around the world and the problem is apparent. If the recipient happens to get mad, it’s human nature for vindictive thoughts to follow. Instead of a keyed car and some profanity laced voice mails about the new love interest, disgruntled ex-lovers now turn to the text and email stash.

It’s not wise to engage in sexting or Anthony Weiner-esque picture taking indiscriminately. Having an affair via text, sending compromising pictures or emails, or doing all of the above on a company phone or computer is a recipe for disaster. It’s not the content of the message or even the shocking nature of it that gets a person in trouble, it’s the number in the “send” category that does. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” I’ve learned that lesson—the hard way.

I’d dare say that there is not one person’s sex life, if published, that would not bring utter shock to everyone who saw it. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. I can’t say I blame anyone who finds himself or herself confronted with content of that personal nature—particularly people with something to lose—find it necessary to lie about it. Like Watergate and every scandal since, it’s never the act that causes the greatest trouble; it’s the cover up. I suppose the solution is to make sure that the sexting exchanges are mutual. It’s always nice to have enough fire power to dissuade the initial attack. In short, new adventures in any relationship can be fun and sexting can certainly spice things up in an established relationship. It’s essential in today’s environment to be careful how adventurous those adventures are though. Rule of thumb: Don’t send anyone you don’t trust explicit pictures of your “thumb.”

HOW HAS YOUR VIEW ON RELATIONSHIPS CHANGED AS YOU'VE GOTTEN OLDER?

Great question. I think to answer this is to answer how my view of myself has changed since I’ve gotten older. My problem in the past could be described as passive co-dependence. I’ve said before that I enjoy the security and familiarity of a relationship. It’s fun having a partner and a person to call when I need a break or have a funny story to tell. It’s nice to have someone who knows me deeper than most other people. It’s nice to take someone to Chili’s for a burger instead of shelling out a C-note for a steak and some wine and listening to an idiot I knew I didn’t like the second she opened the door drone on about her cats for three hours.

The problem with managing that trepidation when I was younger was that it came with a great deal of insecurity as well. I had a tendency to hold on too tightly and often stayed in extremely destructive relationships simply for the sake of being in those relationships. It wasn’t until one of those relationships ended about as badly as a relationship can end that I was forced to pick up the pieces and reevaluate my life.

The difference today is that I view relationships as complimentary to my life rather than as a necessary foundation. I have the courage to walk away from a person who is no good for me; to tell a person the truth even though it hurts sometimes; and to be clear about what I need in a relationship. Because I don’t need a relationship to define me, I am able to accept a relationship unconditionally and openly. Without the pressure of failure, I am able to enjoy another person rather than checking the “must have” boxes on my list.

The bottom line is that I think I’m a lot more at peace with who I am and what makes me tick. My needs are no longer convoluted; rather, my list is short and simple. As a result, I am able to communicate those needs to another person with the understanding that a relationship is a mutually shared experience between two people. It makes no sense for one person to take what he needs and give nothing back. I am more open, receptive, and empathetic than I was in the past. I’m better in the sack too.

That simple take on relationships has allowed me to find a degree of happiness within myself and within a relationship that I had formerly given up on finding. Knowing the Golden Rule is important. Following it is essential. If you follow the Golden Rule and you’re not getting what you need, it’s time to walk away.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST WILD ROAD TRIP EXPERIENCE?

This one really got the wheels turning. In short, I have too many to choose from. My road trip experiences make Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like a children’s book. I’ve made a list of the top three and at least one of them will make an appearance in the off season. I have to check on certain statutes of limitations in some other states before I decide on the others.

Fights with strippers (male and female), booze, beauty pageants, stolen wooden Indians, bikini contests, brushes with the law, College Jeopardy tryouts, gorilla glue, impromptu karaoke performances, run ins with airport security, destroyed rental cars, $3,600 roulette payouts, tattoos, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can’t mention are all involved and I’m excited to share those stories. Stay tuned and thanks to the person who sent this for the idea.

IS IT BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX?

No, it’s certainly not bigger. However, it is longer. Thanks for asking.

WHAT IS THE SECRET TO LIVING A GOOD LIFE?

“The only two things in life that make it worth living are guitars tuned good and firm feeling women.” --Waylon Jennings

Wow, I write a blog on the Bachelor and all of a sudden I’m the Dali Freaking Lama. Thanks to the aspiring Buddhist who sent this. Oddly enough, it was my attempt to answer this question years ago that led me to writing this blog in addition to making some other sweeping changes to what had become a cluttered, confused, and unfulfilled life.

Let me first disclaim my answer by stating that I am no way under the delusion that what I live is “a good life.” I struggle—sometimes daily—with the choices I’ve made in my life and as I get older I struggle with my station in life. I’m certain that most if not all of you reading this do the same. I will say that over the past few years I’ve had some things occur in my life that have forced me like a dog getting its nose rubbed into a urine soaked rug to deal with my own inadequacies and address my shortcomings. There is no way I could have reached the clarity that I have without being forced to deal with those issues in my life. Denial and finger pointing are pretty sturdy crutches and if you couple them with alcohol and cocktail waitresses, you rarely find yourself looking into the mirror.

The problem with most of us is that it takes an extremely dramatic, almost earth shattering event to force us to deal with—and perhaps even admit--the difficult things in our lives and those types of extremes (thankfully) don’t come along often, if at all. What did I learn? I’ll tell you.

First, the “secret” to a clear conscience is honesty. That doesn’t mean we don’t tell a little white lie to Mrs. Whoever down the street when we’re invited to her fruit basket party or whatever and don’t want to go. It doesn’t mean we don’t fudge a little on our resume or exaggerate a bit when telling off our biggest rival. It doesn’t mean faking a headache when we’re not in the mood. What I mean is being brutally honest with yourself.

Most people literally lie to themselves, albeit passively, in their own heads. In a nutshell, I think the problem that most of us have—indeed the seed that grows into our greatest internal struggles—is the fact that what they really hold dear and consider important deep within their own conscience does not match our actions to the world.

For instance, ask any person what’s important to him. Normally, you’ll get an answer like God, Family, and Health. However, when we look at that person’s life we see that he rarely goes to church, prefers football or golf over family time, and eats cheeseburgers and fries five times a week. You get the picture. There is a severe contradiction between the answer and reality. I think this or a version of it is true for most unhappy people. We’re all too busy trying to “succeed” in the outside world but we rarely sit down and come to terms with what we really want to do. Paris in spring? Climb Everest? Write a book? Dance the cancan?

We all spend a great deal of time trying to reconcile what we truly feel in our hearts with how we believe we’re supposed to be and appear to the world. Don’t believe me? Go to a house party in the suburbs and listen to the small talk or go to a staff happy hour and listen after a everyone gets a few margaritas down.

Reconciling the inside with the outside is a key to living openly and honestly. By way of example, I can tell you that I formerly spent a lot of time driving a fancy German car and parading around Houston trying to be the best darn lawyer in the city. When push came to shove I had to admit that status and possessions made me miserable because I hated where I was living, who I was working for, and what I had become. However, any person would have looked at my house, cars, bank account, and life and concluded that I “had it all.” Once I simplified, I found the peace I thought those other things would bring. I’m certain you all have a parallel story. My advice is to have a talk with the mirror without holding anything back and then find the courage to act, even if it’s a small step. That leads me to my next point.

The other key to a good life is balance. My old boss is literally going to die one day at his desk with a law book in one hand and a Dictaphone in the other. However, he’ll die happy. You see, he’s structured his whole life around being a lawyer and working hours upon hours to try lawsuits. He’s passionate about it and he pursues it with an unmatched fervor. The people in his life and in his employ all know this about him and they are not around long if they don’t support it. Good for that guy, but that’s not for me.

Finding a balance between what life requires us to do and what we are truly passionate about is essential to finding stability and happiness. Rarely do those two things coincide and it’s even more unusual to find a person who gets paid to do what he is truly passionate about doing. Sure, things occasionally get out of whack; however, finding an overall homeostasis that allows us to grow is what we should all seek in our lives. That’s the best answer I can give you. When I have all of the answers, I’ll write you back.

DO YOU PREFER ANGELINA JOLIE OR JENNIFER ANISTON?

From the sublime to the ridiculous. Incidentally, this is why I love the readers. My audience is truly a mix of every walk of life. While one person worries about a deeper reality, there’s always another one sending me questions about celebrities or certain parts of my anatomy. God bless all of you, even the atheists in the mix.

First off, my preference between these two is completely unimportant. I suppose this is a question for Brad Pitt to answer but, upon further thought, he’s already answered it, hasn’t he?

I think both of these women are nuts but in different ways. Angelina has the characteristics of a classic beauty: Pouty, thick lips, high cheek bones, big sparkling eyes, curves, etc. Granted, she’s got the personality of a dull knife, but she cleans up nice. She’s attractive; however, I don’t find her very appealing. She’s too waifishly skinny for my taste and there’s just something dirty—bad dirty not good dirty—about her. Her movies suck too.

To be fair to her, like her life partner, she’s probably a better actress than she can get away with being and instead of carrying around a toy dog in a purse and espousing the finer points of an affluent and superfluous lifestyle, she’s out there rebuilding New Orleans, giving real money and time to charity, spending time in Africa, and adopting children in need. She seems serious about these commitments even though she doesn’t get credit for it.

Like her, Brad Pitt could be pulling a Warren Beatty by remaining perpetually single in Hollywood until he runs through every cocktail waitress, budding young starlet on her way up the ladder, and every post-blossomed old starlet on her way down the ladder. Instead, they both live elsewhere and appear to put their money where their mouths are, which is rare. Remember that part about the inside matching the outside?

Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, is in a word, a mess. Is there anyone in California who she won’t date? She’s like an on ramp. Fewer men have gone through the L.A. bus station. Instead of maps to the stars homes they should just hand out a map to her house with instructions to be there around 8 on Saturday night with a bottle of zinfandel and a pack of Marlboro Reds. She’s easier than first grade math, for crying out loud.

I’m so tired of seeing pictures of her trying to fake like she’s quit smoking as she forlornly strolls on a Malibu beach after being dumped by whoever was holding the next numbered ticket in the “Date Jennifer Aniston” sequence at the local deli. Hell, I’d marry her if it would keep her off the cover of OK Magazine.

She’s attractive enough, seems to have a sense of humor, and has things in life that most of us can only dream about. It seems to me that she needs to read my answer to the question above and perhaps she’ll find the happiness that eludes her. I’d be willing to bet that most of the men in her life would agree as to the reasons they stopped dating her. Well, all of them except for John Mayer who is perhaps the largest douchebag in the world.

My overall pick---since I have to pick—is Angelina.

WHAT TOP THREE CHARACTER TRAITS IN A WOMAN ARE MOST ATTRACTIVE TO MEN?

Nymphomania, subservience, and a Trust Fund. Alright, that’s a joke . . . sort of.

This is a tough question because the answer to it is incredibly subjective. However, I think the most constructive way to give the reader who sent this question what she’s seeking is to tell her generally what I believe a key thing that men are not looking for in a woman. Keep in mind that I’m far from an expert. Perhaps Dr. Jamie could assist.

When men—particularly married ones—are sitting outside of female earshot, the following subject is bound to come up somewhere between sports and home improvement. Men are not looking for a woman to “fix” everything in his life. For example, I had a friend who got engaged recently and his fiance moved into his condo after selling all of her stuff in an out-of-state garage sale and moving to Austin.

She immediately threw away all of his stuff and redecorated the entire place with new stuff. To be fair, she paid for the majority of it and the place does look lovely. However, let me make a point or two about this. Oh, and I think it’s fair to assume that this little spring cleaning will unquestionably be extended to his wardrobe and any other portion of his identity that he currently maintains a tentative grasp upon.

Here’s the point. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it isn’t worth keeping. Granted, most women don’t see the beauty in the Dogs Playing Poker series of paintings, but that doesn’t mean they should get thrown away or banished to the one room that a man can call his own. The house is shared living space. Women should respect the man’s input. If he has none, then so be it, but understand that it’s disrespectful to dismiss his taste as unimportant in favor of your own. This rule also applies to every other aspect of the relationship. I think women are culturally groomed and even genetically wired to assume that they have a corner on the decorating and appearance market. Put an engagement ring on a woman’s finger and it’s like giving her a contractor’s license.

When it comes to how a man dresses, I’ll be the first to admit that many men could use a bit of assistance. However, it’s better to go about it in a constructive manner. Imagine you coming downstairs in a cute little cocktail number for a night on the town and your man rolling his eyes and ordering you back upstairs to change. It doesn’t work when the rolls are reversed, does it? Respect who you’re with and don’t try and change him. That may work when you’re in the honeymoon phase, but trust me, resentment will eventually creep in if he’s not heard and respected. Remember that Golden Rule comment? It applies here too. Just because it’s not important to you doesn’t mean it’s not important. Take a deep breath and repeat that to yourself before you try and make him throw out his Night Ranger Seven Wishes concert t-shirt.

Incidentally, if any of you know any subservient, rich nymphomaniacs with a trust fund do me a solid and send them the blog address, would you?

WHAT IS THE BEST BOOK YOU’VE READ THIS YEAR (IF YOU READ...)?

My favorite part about this question is the qualifying parenthetical “if you read.” I suppose it’s a fair assumption that I don’t read considering the fact that I blog about a reality show the majority of the time. Hell, based on that it’s a fair assumption that I’m illiterate. However, I read quite a bit.

What I read depends on my mood when I go to the book store. My favorite book store is called Book People. I go there often and—like I’ve been doing since I was very young—often spend significant amount of time in there amongst the books. When I was in college I used to have a 4 hour break on Mondays and I’d head to the local book store and wander the aisles. I’d usually end up in the Literature or Philosophy sections. I was even more pleased when I discovered that doing that gave me some sort of Lord Byron-esque aura that attracted budding intellectual co-eds. It was like putting on a pair of jeans and finding ten bucks in the pocket. Annnyyyhhoooo . . .

Sometimes when I’m in the book store something piques my interest immediately. Other times, I spend a lot of time and buy nothing. Sometimes a particular subject is in my head when I enter the store. Other times, I randomly select a book. When I’m almost through with a book I go to that store and pick out another one to put on the nightstand just below the one I’m reading. I read quite a bit for work so it’s nice to escape into a book I’ve chosen rather than being forced to read commercial contracts or pleadings.

I appreciate a good story but most of all I appreciate a well written book that evokes the emotions it seeks to evoke and paints a vivid picture of its characters and situations. Language is extremely important to me. I don’t like Cormac McCarthy, for instance, because I think he’s overly choppy and simplistic, although his stories are good. On the other hand, I love a lot of Russian writers but find it equally frustrating trying to make it through 1500 pages of text. I gravitate toward fiction, but appreciate stories based in reality. I like stories with a lot of layers to them.

One of my favorite books of all time is The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy. Now, before you drop the “Isn’t that the movie with Nick Nolte and Barbara Streisand” comment, please spare me. I have never and will never see that movie. The closest I’ll get to Streisand is the comment on this blog from Derek and the Boys in South Beach telling me how delightful she was the last time she toured.

Pat Conroy is a brilliant contemporary writer and that book is rooted in his experiences as a child and a young adult growing up in South Carolina. It’s wonderfully written and the story is—to me anyway—compelling. I love it. If you don’t, I understand. If you’re wondering what it’s about, just grab a copy at the local book store and read the prologue.

YOU MENTIONED TRIATHLON TRAINING. WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME?

Let me just disclaim this answer by saying that my number one goal in any race I enter is simply to finish. I’m far from the well-conditioned, no holds barred athlete that the word “triathlon” conjures up. I try my hardest and that’s about it. I’m currently signed up for a biathlon and a 10K in the next couple of weeks. I’ll pick other races after that. For me, I need a goal to hit or I just flop around the dock like a newly hooked fish.

After that horrible end to that relationship that I mentioned earlier, I maintained an active lifestyle prior to blowing out my ankle on a trail run here in Austin. That was followed by about a year and a half of blatant inactivity complimented by a lot of Lone Stars and a significant time shuffling my boots in various local honky tonks.

I got back on the workout wagon about 5 months ago and I exercise about 5 days a week now. I make time during lunch for spin class, run after work at the trail down from my house or near my office, and usually have a long bike ride and run (known as a “brick”) on the weekend.

In short, I think we all find time for what we deem important. The difference to me now is not an influx of time; rather, a shift in what I deem important. Incidentally, I worked full time and went to law school simply by cutting out a few nights a week in the honky tonks. I think any person can take an inventory of his life and find a few hours a week for what’s important. We all spend a lot of time and energy doing things that simply aren’t constructive or important.

The final point about this revolves around the words I’m typing how. This blog gets done every Monday night/Tuesday morning when I’d otherwise be sleeping. Again, it’s important to me and because I love it, it’s not “work” for me. It took me a long time to figure out how to indulge myself in things that I love to do. Being tired on Tuesdays sucks, but it doesn’t suck as bad as not writing.

YOU CAN’T BE AS PERFECT AS I IMAGINE YOU TO BE WHEN I READ YOUR BLOG. WHAT ARE YOUR BIGGEST FAULTS?

I purposely saved this one for last. “Perfect,” huh? Thank you, but allow me to stop laughing for a moment. No, Some Guy is FAR from perfect, but I think this question goes much deeper than it first appears to go.

Aside from these Tell Alls when I stop clowning around for a bit and give you some semi-serious answers to your questions, what you get every week when you log on to this site is, in fact, the “perfect” side of me. You get my unapologetic, uncensored sense of humor. You get my best thoughts put into words about a subject that I’m passionate about. In other words, you get the best of what I have to offer. I’m usually in a funny mood when I write and even when it becomes a chore, I still enjoy doing it. We’re all at our best when we are pursuing what we love and that’s what you see on the pages of this blog.

Now, turn the computer off and hand me a big fat stack of stuff to do on a bad day and then deal with me. I can be moody, intolerant, and dismissive. I’m not a lot of fun to be around. At times, I have overwhelming feelings of sadness and self-doubt. I wrestle with my mistakes on a daily basis. I’m an insomniac. I drink too much. I’m often impulsive and I hate to be told what to do even if it’s good for me. In short, I’m a normal person who happens to have a strong sense of humor and a way with words. Let’s not confuse that with perfect. I’m not trying to save the world one waterless heater at a time, but I’m no better or no worse than the next guy.

Well, there it is. Some Guy Tells All 3. I’ve got what I believe are some good ideas for off season posts and I’ll continue to post at least once a week on Tuesdays. I sincerely hope you’ll continue reading despite my decision to forego the Bachelor Pad this season. Thanks to all of you for reading, commenting, and taking the time to send me questions. Tuesdays make me smile just as much as you. Take care of yourselves. Until next time, if you need me I’ll be doing anything but watching the Bachelor Pad. DP