Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ali Bachelorette Episode 1: She's Back

Well, it’s back. The newest most anticipated season of the Bachelorette since last season’s formerly most anticipated season of the Bachelorette. For those of you who participated in my off season Stuff Chicks Like series, thank you for playing along. I had fun. For those of you who took a hiatus from the blog, welcome back. I’ll take great joy in knowing that the 30 minutes you usually steal from your respective employers to read this drivel will be expanded to 90 minutes today in order for you to catch up on those entries. Let’s get to it.

We begin the season like we begin every season of this show—with a recap of last season, some sunset lead ins, some teasers from this season, and then a recap of the recap, the sunset, and the teasers. We are reintroduced to our pouty yet playful Bachelorette, Ali, and reminded of her last year’s unsuccessful attempt to win the heart of that tool from Denton. We see Ali frolicking with Jake on the sandy beaches of St. Wherever, holding hands in San Francisco, and playfully flirting in the park. We then cut to shots of Ali whining and crying and are then reminded why she annoyed us. Harrison’s voice over tells us that Ali’s search for love came to a “shocking end” because she chose her “dream job” over love. Oh, the humanity.

How did she survive? How did she cope?

Cut to the present day (well, five months ago, but stay with me) and we see the now revitalized and recently homeless and unemployed (dream job, my ass) Ali contemplating her emotions while sitting at safe distances from various San Francisco landmarks at sunset in her off the shoulder, oversized gray sweater and black belt. By the looks of her furrowed brow and her pouty Bubba Gump lower lip we realize that this time it’s for real. Ali and her bra strap are searching for love and she’s determined to find it.

We get shots of Ali’s “lifestyle.” She tells us that she’s getting a “second chance at love” and she proves it in her montage. In a very Pretty Woman-esque trying on clothes scene Ali shows us her humps, her humps, her lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front. She dances, drives fast, and goes jogging on the beach. All presumably in anticipation of—what else—love.

She drives her black convertible through a tunnel and we are reminded that Audi decided to pay nothing in the way of a fee for product placement considering the logo and license plate are covered up. I can hear the conversation now.

“Uh, hello, is this the chairman of Audi? Yes? Great, listen we’d like to use your car in some fake driving down the PCH scenes for our reality show. Are you guys on board?”

I’m sure the response was however you say “no fu**ing way” in German. At any rate, Ali makes it to the mansion and Harrison drops some foreshadowing “not here for the right reasons” banter and confirms Ali’s homeless and jobless status before blowing the whistle and launching the tool parade. And let me tell you, a tool parade it was.

Harrison emerges looking as money as ever among the roses and soft lighting in his black, perfectly tailored suit with a black silk tie. Unlike our 25 bachelors, Harrison sticks with the understated black tie. Double Windsor knots are for pansies and he lets us know it. He tees up the season as only Harrison can do. The guy is so Money you could pay rent with his picture. In one of his many throw away lines Harrison reminds us that Ali is “choosing love.” He recaps the recap---again—and sends us off to meet this season’s group of guys via their hometown running down the beach or working out action shots. We learn that their presence on the show means nothing more than they own (or borrowed) a suit and have the ability to miss 28 days of work. I’ve consolidated them below for you. Feel free to use this as a score sheet as the season progresses. You’re welcome.

1. Frank—We meet Frank screaming on a bridge in his hometown of Chicago. Apparently, he’s unaware that contact lenses and laser surgery are available in America because his unreasonably thick, dark rimmed glasses make him look like a lesbian librarian. His occupation is listed as Retail Manager but we soon learn that he quit his presumably lucrative consulting job to move to Paris and write screenplays before returning untriumphantly to America where he moved in with his parents. “Passion is more important than money,” he tells us. I could almost hear his father yelling “passion doesn’t pay the bills around here, you bum” as his mother ironed and neatly folded her son’s unmentionables while smiling knowingly at the TV. Notwithstanding all of that, he seemed like a nice guy with a good sense of humor. Ali laughs at everything so I’m sure he’ll get far. He got a rose.

2. Jay—He’s the whiney, wimpy lawyer from Rhode Island with bad hair. After enduring the fake “trial” scenes and watching him brood around the courtroom in his French blue white collared shirt, I rooted for him to lose. Ironically, the Rhode Island state motto is “Hope.” He never had any. No Rose. He cried about it too. And don’t ask me why the Rhode Island state motto is in my head. It just is.

3. Craig M.—We meet Craig M. shirtless in the mirror reminding himself how handsome he thinks he is. It’s early, but it appears that this guy is going to be the Angry Dave of this season. He’s a jerk. He looks like Patrick Dempsy’s angry, less handsome, older brother. I will therefore christen him “McCheesy.” Yes, I realize that’s a Grey’s Anatomy reference. No, I don’t watch the show. In fact, I thought Dempsy peaked in the mid-80’s in Loverboy but thought he missed the mark as Meyer Lansky in Mobsters. To be fair, anything with Richard Grieco in it is bound to suck. Well, other than 21 Jump Street and Booker, but I digress. We cut to a scene of him in his pink shirt and black suit (not even close to Travolta in Grease) hitting on his cousins—poorly I might add--in a trumped up singles’ bar scene. We learn that he flew in from Canada. We assume that his hair flew in from somewhere else. Undoubtedly with some help from the Producers, he got a rose. He’ll stick around for the drama until that other guy goes nuts.

4. Kyle—This guy was—in a word—a slob. Apparently, he’s an “Outdoorsman.” I haven’t heard of that occupation since my mother read Little Red Riding Hood to me in the first grade. Come to think of it, the guy who rescued Riding Hood and Grandma and chopped up the Big Bad Wolf was a woodsman. Close enough. I guess that line of work was effective for Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. Then again, Kyle is no Tristan Ludlow and, for that matter, Ali is no Isabelle II. Unfortunately, Kyle has got nothing else going on besides killing animals. We have to listen to Kyle list all of the stuff he’s killed as he shows us the stuffed carcasses he’s displayed in his macho wreck room. For a while there I was waiting for him to kill Craig M’s hair and mount it. Nothing turns chicks on like a room full of stuffed dead animals. Kyle tells us that he spends “like 90% of his time outdoors.” That still leaves Ali 2.4 hours a day to sit and look at stuffed dead things. He did give Ali a sharp hook as a forget me not. We assume that the Producers were aware of his gift and ensured that Ali had a tetanus shot prior to filming. Nice try, Kyle. No Rose.

5. Justin—The 26 year old pro wrestler. He showed up with a broken ankle which might as well be a puppy. Chicks like puppies. Despite getting the Biggest A-hole vote from all of the other A-holes, Ali dropped the Rescue Rose on him and he lived to see another episode. Ironically, he seemed normal. I predict he’ll get far.

6. Phillip—Investment guy from Chicago with a penchant for teal v-neck sweaters and gourmet coffee. He seemed like a nice enough guy—I mean in spite of the teal sweater—but lacked the personality to separate himself from the herd. Memo to Phillip: If you’re mother tragically dies before you go on a reality show, lead with that fact when you meet the Bachelorette. “My poor deceased mother wanted me to marry someone like you” would have guaranteed the guy at least two weeks worth of roses. In fact, if you consult the Bachelorette Rule Book (not to be confused with the Man Code Book) there is a provision stating that a death in the family trumps a leg cast and any I love dogs and kittens story. I’m sorry for your loss, Phillip, but you should have told Ali about it. Consequence? No Rose.

7. Jonathan—Weatherman from Houston who packed his best turquoise and hot pink shirts and went on the show to try and end the rumors of his raging homosexuality. Good luck with that. He got a rose.

8. Ty—Guy with Davy Crockett sideburns from Tennessee who loves his dog and his guitar. Ali liked him. He’ll stick around for a while. By the way, Tennessee is the Volunteer State. That’s an easy one.

9. Chris L.—Former teacher turned landscaper from Rhode Island. I’m sure he knows whiney Jay considering the size of that state. Come to think of it, the state motto should be changed to “Delaware’s B*tch.” It would be more accurate. Does anyone actually know anyone from Rhode Island besides the people that live there? Seriously, if I Googled “Famous People from Rhode Island” it would probably refer me to Jay the Whiney Wimpy Lawyer with Bad Hair and Chris L. How much up side comes with being a landscaper in Rhode Island? You could landscape the entire state in an afternoon. You’d need like three bags of mulch. He got a rose.

10. Roberto (First Impression Rose)—Hell, I want to date this guy. He was smooth, charming, subtle, and fun. The guy could teach a first run at the Bachelorette class. From leading with the “I love my family” line, dropping some Spanish in his intro, strategically waiting for the first impression rose to appear before asking for alone time, and flattering Ali with “you’re really good” while “teaching” her salsa, the guy rocked. Nice job. He’ll go really far. Ali clearly liked him.

11. Tyler V.—Goofy and non-descript guy from Vermont—The Maple Syrup State. Alright, I made that one up. He had the worst tie—black polka dots. Polka dots? Leave that to Minnie Mouse, dude. He did just enough to make the cut. He got a “you’re not as bad as the 8 d-bags I’m sending home” rose.

12. Derek—Good Lord this guy was G.A.Y. I have no idea how he got on the show. Clearly, the Producers misinterpreted his fan letter to Jake that read, “I want to be on the Bachelor.” After he exchanged meaningful glances and phone numbers with Jonathan, he left for greener—hunkier—pastures. He didn’t get a rose, but I’m certain that he’ll go and pick some up for himself at a local farmer’s market this weekend before he goes home and dreams about being ON the Bachelor.

13. Steve—Non-descript short guy from Cleveland who, like Tyler V. did just enough to not get booted. He seemed normal. We’ll see if he steps it up next week. He also got a “you’re not as bad as the 8 d-bags I’m sending home” rose.

14. John C.—Weird looking guy from a town with a weird name in Washington. He tells us that he has a “great shot with Ali.” If you call a 1 in 25 chance a “great shot,” I suppose he’s right. He’s not got a 1 in 16 shot now. He got a rose.

15. Kirk—Nice guy from Wisconsin. He fumbled around while making Ali a paper rose. The good news is she bought it. The bad news is that she’s likely to forget it. “I shall root for you, Gladiator.”

16. Chris H.—Real estate guy from Canada. Rose.

17. Jesse—It’s a shame this guy actually is from the Show Me State. He showed Ali what a cheese he is by making a lame play on words about his hometown of Peculiar, Missouri. He got a rose in spite of himself. Peculiar indeed.

18. Chris N.—“Entrepreneur.” Congrats for not saying a word and still getting a rose. The drapes were more animated than this guy. Also, congratulations on having the second most vague job description next to “Outdoorsman.” This guy might be a dark horse. He got a rose.

19. Kasey—This season’s whackjob. At first I thought he was partially deaf then I realized he had some odd voice thing going on. He sounded like a Jeremy Irons in that Von Bulow movie. Very odd. Even before the teasers showing him lose it, I thought he was creepy and stalkerish. He vowed to “watch Ali’s heart and guard it no matter what.” Look, that’s just weird. I wonder if Harrison has Crazy Michelle’s number lying around. Introductions are in order. Based on the teasers it appears that this guy sticks around long enough to have an absolute meltdown. I hope he gets the help he needs. He got a rose.

20. John N.—He’s from the Sunflower State, which is good because he didn’t get a rose.

21. Craig R.—Goofy lawyer and this season’s tattle tale from the Keystone State. It appeared he had a mouth full of Keystones for teeth. He got a rose after attempting to rat out Justin for the ever present “not being there for the right reasons” garbage.

22. Tyler M.—Of all the cool people in Austin they have to pick this guy. He screwed up his intro and wore boots that didn’t match his suit or his shirt. I’d like to think the producers forced him to wear the boots, but I’m not sure. Where’s Wes Hayden when you need him? No rose.

23. Hunter—Nice guy with a sense of humor from San Antonio. He did break out a ukulele, but I’ll give the guy credit for writing a funny song and having the stones to perform it in front of the other guys. He seemed normal and actually had a personality. He’s about as goofy looking as a Mexican table cloth, but he should stick around for a while. Rose.

24. Derrick (Shooter)—Frankly, I’m speechless on this one. Not only did he lead the limo exit with the nickname he was given in college for his propensity to prematurely ejaculate, he used all of his one on one time to explain it to Ali, hoped she didn’t find it “weird,” and when eliminated, got angry about “making a fool” of himself. Incredible. Really. I just hope he called his mother to warn her before the show aired. It’s a darn good thing HE’s not from the Show Me State.

25. Jason—Construction guy with a nicely manicured five o’clock shadow. No rose. If I’m not mistaken, he’s the one who did the back flip off of the limo roof. Whatever. Ali wasn’t impressed either. No rose.

Before releasing Ali to meet our men in the limo intros, Harrison emerges to hammer home the front runner for this season’s oft repeated theme: Giving up everything in search of love. He tells us that these men left their “family, friends, and job” in an attempt to nail “America’s Newest Sweetheart” (isn’t that Justin Bieber?) and we get to talk to Ali before the aforementioned wooing begins.

Ali emerges from her limo dressed ala Linda Evans in a black evening down accented with diamonds. She looked pretty, but frankly, wasn’t in the kind of shape I’d anticipated considering she had months of notice to prepare for the show. Jillian trimmed down and got a makeover. Ali phoned that part in.

Harrison takes her back to this season’s Lair of Seclusion, avoids the word “journey” like a hooker with herpes, and sets up the other two potential themes of the season: “Being here for the right reasons” and being “SO excited.” Ali proves that she takes direction well and tells Harrison that “it’s all on the line.” She’s “giving up everything for love.” Her “biggest fear” is having someone in that group of 25 that “thinks it’s a game.” Well, isn’t it? At this point, I was painfully reminded at how annoying Ali was to me last season. I actually liked her until Vienna got under her skin and the claws came out. I’ll reserve judgment until at least the third show. Ali leaves to meet her suitors.

At this point, I’m going to gloss over the stepping out of the limo scenes other than to say that everyone with the exception of Roberto came across as a giant loser. We all know that the entire schtick is scripted, but it’s just so embarrassing to watch. I’d rather earn the nickname “Shooter” than watch it. Ali meets everyone and the fun starts.

After Jason and his manicured scruffle back flip off the limo, Harrison emerges with an “are you kidding me?” We can only assume he was talking about the entire show. Ali and Harrison head toward the MAN-sion where all of our eligibles have undoubtedly been boozing it up for an hour or so. She enters the sword fight and the jockeying begins.

Ali feels “special and beautiful”. Frank makes the first move and uses his bottle thick glasses to fend off the other suitors before getting her alone. Nice move. The guy is a little too “on” but I respected the assertiveness. I think Ali did too. Kirk actually has the nerve to tell the other guys that he’s made Ali a scrapbook after going to a scrapbook store. After screaming, “don’t be that guy!” at the TV, I settled in to watch McCheesy begin to lay the groundwork making himself the biggest jerk in the house. In spite of the criticism he endured, Kirk’s scrapbook works—the pictures of his mother were an excellent idea.

Next we get to meet Kasey “Buffalo Bill” Gumb (Google it). This guy is creepy with a capital “R”. He does more of the guarding Ali’s heart talk, lets us know that he’s a mama’s boy because his dad cheated, and is glad Ali finds none of that corny. It’s too bad the rest of us did. I’ve got many faults, but one of my gifts is the ability to spot crazy a mile away (see last season’s Michelle references). This guy is clearly a six pack short of a case. I half expected him to say, “It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does whatever it’s told. Now it places the lotion in the basket.” I’m sure this guy has a well in his basement back in wherever he’s from. Regardless, Ali seemed touched by the mom story.

Hunter spins the guitar and love song angle masterfully and breaks out a ukulele. Again, I give the guy credit. It actually worked. One of the guys didn’t buy it claiming that Hunter “tries to be like Shakespeare or Romeo but ends up being…that guy who doesn’t get girls in school.” Good one. The last time I checked Shakespeare wrote sonnets, poems, and plays and as far as I know didn’t own a ukulele. I don’t believe that Stratford-on-Avon was known for its ukulele production. I could be wrong.

Ali hears the soon-to-be infamous “Shooter” story, is horrified, and then gets paired with the weatherman and McCheesy. Weatherman dominates the conversation and McCheesy and his hair get angry about it.

Latent Homosexuals 1
Angry Guys 0

Roberto works his magic and earns the first impression rose, lays it on thick, tells Ali how he moved to Charleston to start his own business (nothing like a month of not working to push new sales over the edge), and gives her salsa lessons. Again, front runner.

Ali takes turns wearing everyone’s suit jacket and hearing about nothing. Wimpy Jay whines about not making the most of his opportunity, Justin shows off his wrestling shirt and gets the guys to hate him. Craig R. fumbles all over his giant teeth, rats out guys not there “for the right reasons” and gives Ali a yellow shoe keychain. Weak. Really weak.

We see Ali’s pouty lower lip in action as Harrison enters with the ubiquitous fork and crystal champagne glass undoubtedly reeking of single malt scotch and perfume to announce the “Vote off the A-hole” contest. The guy who helped Roz pack her sh*t after she got booted last season enters with the “Not Here for the Right Reasons” box and McCheesy does his best to get his name on the ballot. Justin wins because of his wrestling talk but Ali saves him with a rose. Frankly, I think she’ll be glad he stuck around. Sure, he has a stupid job, but he seems to love it and he seems like a nice guy.

In what appears to be the longest cocktail party ever, Ali spends time with everyone and she and her flat hair and unglossed pouty lips comment on everyone. Where’s the make up crew when you need them? Probably partying in Harrison’s suite.

On his way to the wine cellar, Harrison stops back in and gets the rose ceremony going. Ali dumps the 8 guys she’s supposed to dump, makes an insincere speech, and tells us that she’s “SOOO excited,” which is now the new “journey.” We get pictures of helicopters, shirtless feats of strength, sports cars, make out scenes, suicide attempts, someone has a girlfriend phone calls, and Ali whining and crying and displaying her left shoulder and bra strap. It appears we’re in for a dramatic season. The most dramatic ever? We shall see.

With the “Amazing” count at an unprecedented 21 (which includes Roberto’s “amazingly”), the new season is off and running. Log on next week for my recap. If you need me, I’ll be at home shirtless practicing my double Windsor knots in the Lone Star State. DP

13 comments:

  1. Classic! Love it! You are certainly giving Lincee a run for her blogger money! So fun to get the guy's POV on all this. Thanks for the Tuesday Lunch-at-my-desk Laughs!

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  2. Thank you, True. I'm happy that you were able to brighten your day with the read and I'm glad you didn't choke on a chicken bone while eating lunch and reading the blog. DP

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  3. Best line: Former teacher turned landscaper from Rhode Island. I’m sure he knows whiney Jay considering the size of that state. Come to think of it, the state motto should be changed to “Delaware’s B*tch.” It would be more accurate.

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  4. Great blog!

    2 things I loved:

    the reference to Silence of the Lambs - spot on!

    the line about it taking only 3 bags of mulch. Of course, being from Texas our perception may be slightly skewed, some of our malls are bigger than Rhode Island.

    You and Lincee should date...

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  5. Leslie from Austin, It's nice to have someone from home comment on the blog. Thanks for reading. Pop into any dive bar south of the river and you're likely to see me. I'll buy you a beer. Thanks for reading! By the way, Lincee is fabulous. We're going to get together soon and arm wrestle over bragging rights. Thanks, as always, for reading. DP

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  6. I loved the comment about Derek actually applying to be on The Bachelor. Choked on my own laughter. I love Lincee's Bachelor/ette blog and I can't wait to start reading yours too!

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  7. Loved it =) Totally laughed the entire time!!

    Thanks for the entertaining break, but now it's back to studying =(

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  8. Well, I will have to say that is the funniest thing I have ever read. I have laughed until I cried and am still laughing out loud. OMG!!! I will definitely be reading your scoop on the Bachelorette!!!

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  9. Honestly, reading this never gets old. Excited to have discovered your blog last season. Wicked funny (just trying to pay homage to my home state of Mass. in honor of Ali).

    In Chris L.'s defense, he is actually from the Cape- no self-respecting person from Mass. would want to be relegated to being from Lil' Rhody.

    Looking forward to this week's blog...because God knows these guys, and poor, pitiful, insecure, bad weaved Ali, is giving you enough material to work with! Honestly, Ali's similarities to Britney Spears are uncanny...sadly.

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  10. Where oh where is this week's blog?! LOL, I can't wait to see the cracks you can make on this week's trainwreck! What can I say? I'm terribly impatient!

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  11. I LOVED your comment about Tenley crafting an interpretive dance. I also enjoy your comments about Harrison. Young and playful, but all business. Hilarious. The funniest part about Week 5 for me was Frank pep-talking Kasey. Frank maintained a serious exterior - barely.

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  12. I recently started reading your blog and decided to go back in time for your earlier works for further entertainment. This one made me chuckle much of the time, but the Rhode Island comments took the cake. I am from this small state and always appreciate some good ol' little Rhody cracks!! And as I read I truly did wonder why the hell you knew that "hope" was our state motto?!? Loved it.

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