Well, it’s Episode six and we’re down to the top four women vying for a shot at the chance to live the luxurious life of a housewife in the city of Denton. We begin with shots of the Golden Gate Bridge reminding us of last week’s venue of love and see Jake contemplating his big choices as he packs his giant plastic suitcase. Isn’t this guy a pilot? Don’t they all carry those strategically sized leather bags so they can be ready at a moment’s notice? Apparently Jake was not present when they issued those at whatever cargo airline he flies for. Jake is excited about the hometown visits because he’s under the illusion that people are “real” when they are around family. Right. There’s no more sincere relationship than the one most people have with their in-laws. Despite the delusion, off Jake goes to meet Gia’s family.
We go from San Francisco to New York City where we see the expected shots of all the familiar New York landmarks. Yes, it’s Gia’s city and she tells us in her Cher from Moonstruck accent and oversized, off-the-shoulder, bedazzled sweater how excited she is to see Jake. Jake pulls up in “his” black SUV limo thing and hops out to experience the Big Apple. Gia—who has obviously studied the tape of Jillian’s season—does her own version of Jillian’s assumptive greeting by leading with her hooha and jumping into Jake’s arms and wrapping her legs around him like a python around a rat. Jake says something boring and Gia lets him know that they are going to a boat ride as Jake does that weird high up hand holding thing that looked more like a police arrest move than a romantic gesture. I found myself worrying about Gia’s rotator cuff. It appeared he might dislocate her shoulder if not yank her arm off. With her free arm, Gia points out the Empire State Building, Times Square, Rockefeller Center, and the Statue of Liberty; landmarks that real New Yorkers never visit, but thanks to the limited credit the producers give the viewing audience, Gia has to act like she visits them every day. Jake acts like he’s never seen them either and they take pictures aboard the boat with a digital camera provided by whatever sponsor wanted product placement. Oddly enough, they weren’t mugged for it when they got back to shore. By the way, no Ground Zero? Gia is a New Yorker (allegedly) and Jake is a pilot (allegedly). Why in the world would they not visit Ground Zero so Jake could cry on the railing?
We learn that Jake “wants to know Gia’s heart.” In fact, he and his coral choker necklace are bound and determined to find out what’s inside it. Incidentally, that footage was clearly taken from next week’s show in the Caribbean. Is it really that difficult to get enough footage from Jake in New York to air? Apparently, the answer is “yes.” Hey Jake, Gia’s heart is exactly where Tenley’s heart is: beneath a nice set of boobs. Granted, Jake would have to go through about 1400 ccs of saline to get there, but that’s where her heart is. What a tool.
Gia sports an aqua silk scarf with an odd pattern and demonstrates its versatility by wrapping around her neck, her waist, and finally covering up her shoulders with it. She might have blown her nose with it but I don’t think it’s a real working nose anymore since the reconstruction. Jake again kills the moment by asking the past relationship question and we learn that Gia’s ex was an awful person who slept with all of her friends. At least I think that’s what she was saying. Her hair covered her face like Chewbacca. Perhaps the boat was not such a great idea considering Gia’s flowing locks. Where is a scrunchy when you need one? At that moment the ex-boyfriend was receiving high fives in some Midtown dive and reliving the conquest of all of Gia’s friends. I’m sure he felt guilty for a moment or two before accepting the free shots from the strangers at the other end of the bar. Jake lets us know he’s not dirty and slimy like the ex and that he doesn’t resolve conflict violently. He doesn’t let the sun go down without resolving a problem. The other guy didn’t let the sun go down without hooking up with one of Gia’s friends. I found the difference in philosophy fascinating.
After again being reminded that Gia is from New York we go from Midtown to wherever she is really from and meet her parents, Donna and Tony, and her brothers Dylan and Erick. Everyone gets a fake hug, Jake gives Donna a gift bag and, Gia and her mother cry like two gay guys after killing a bottle of wine watching Beaches when Barbara Hershey dies and Bette Midler is forced to cope. After some inane banter at the dinner table, Gia’s mother pulls Jake aside to see if he is going to break Gia’s heart. Gia’s mother and her dyed hair and pointy nose give us an idea of what Gia would look like sans the little tune up she had. She proceeds—to borrow the parlance of New Yorkers—to bust Jake’s balls about his intentions with Gia. “How would you take care of her,” she asks. I was waiting for Jake to respond, “on my cargo pilot salary.” No such luck. Jake gives canned answers and we clearly see where Gia gets her man skills when her mom bites the hook. A not-so-convinced Erick pulls Gia aside and drops a classic understatement. “He seems alright,” he kindly tells Gia. Translation: he’s a fancy boy. Erick warns Gia to “just watch out” as we get a good look at his Pauly D from Jersey Shore Brooklyn Blowout hairstyle. He seemed sincere but looked like Groucho Marx on meth. He eventually threatened to break Jake’s legs if he hurt Gia. Classic. At least we have that to look forward to on the After the Rose show when his baby sister will be contractually obligated to relive the humiliation of being the second runner up. I hope cargo pilots have good disability insurance.
Gia, her mother, and the scarf have a “private” heart to heart and Gia’s mother gives her blessing because she sees the love in Jake’s eyes. She tells Gia to reach for the stars with one foot on the ground. Great advice, Mom. I’m sure that will comfort Gia next week when she gets booted like an illegally parked car. After accepting her mother’s advice and thanking her brother for threatening Jake, the two leave to sit on a stoop and exchange meaningless chatter between kisses. Gia’s botox holds up well and Jake tells us he’s finally seen the “real Gia.” Right. Frankly, that’s not difficult to do. He could have saved himself the airfare and just searched YouTube for “Gia” and “Maxim” if he wanted to see that.
We next go to Williamstown, Massachusetts to see what Ali has in store for Jake. Ali apparently forgot to pack her clothes because she shows up in the white coat Tenley wore last week on the one-on-one, one of Jake’s flannels from week three, Gia’s undershirt, and some stretch pants she found lying around outside Harrison’s hotel room after last episode’s wrap party. For some reason, the entire ensemble was tied together with cowboy boots. I’m not even gay and I know that outfit didn’t work. Jake shows up in anticipation of another boat ride in his Navy pea coat and gloves. Ali gives Jake a less promiscuous greeting as we notice that the flannel shirt she borrowed from Jake’s week three wardrobe is strategically placed over her rear end. In what seemed like endless small talk, Jake and Ali discuss the fact that in Massachusetts the leaves change color on the trees and eventually drop to the ground. I believe people in the rest of the country refer to that as Fall, but what do I know? The conversation is about as forced as a post-surgical bowel movement. I found myself begging for it to end. Ali takes Jake to “like the middle of her town” and brings him into the creepy empty confines of her deceased grandmother’s house to see if flies cover him and tell him to leave. They don’t. Frankly, I felt sorry for Ali that she had to let an entire camera crew and whoever else parade through what was obviously a sacred place for her. She also wasted that moment on a dolt like Jake. That sucks for her and her grandmother.
After touring the Amityville house, Jake and Ali—who invested in the Bump-It in her down time at the mansion—share an intimate moment and some fake laughs on the lawn before heading to meet her mother, sister, and brother. They toast Jake’s arrival and Ali’s mother informs him that she’s done a search for him online. She and her red sweater with the giant Frosty the Snowman buttons interview Jake in the family gazebo and Jake scrunches his forehead and does that fake smirky, wrinkly face thing that makes me want to punch him. Ali’s mom mistakes that look for real sincerity and gives her blessing for Jake to join the family. Ali gushes about her dreams and gives Jake the hard close. In a move demonstrative of how serious he is, Jake pulls off his gloves and moves in for the big kiss. Booooooring. He failed to mention that he too has a gazebo in the backyard of his starter home in Denton.
Frankly, I was so disappointed at this point that neither Ali nor Gia’s families were nuts. They seemed like nice people, damn it. Why did Michelle have to implode so early? However, I was also encouraged that Vienna’s family would pick up the slack or perhaps Tenley’s ex-husband would come back and beat the hell out of Jake. In other words, I had hope.
Next we go to Newberg, Oregon, Tenley’s hometown. Tenley shows up in her seasonally and geographically appropriate polka dot rain boots and blue rain coat. Jake apparently got the memo because his ultra feminine scarf matched Tenley’s get up perfectly. They hug knowingly and proceed to walk through the pine trees in order to discuss—what else—Tenley’s divorce. For God’s sake, enough with the divorce already. It’s like my high school guidance counselor used to tell me between cigarette drags, “the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.” I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m sure it applies here.
Tenley has some tough questions for Jake before she shares the interpretive dance number she’s created especially for him. She wants answers. She thinks she’s entitled. She wants the truth. Apparently, she can’t handle the truth. She seems un-phased when she tells Jake that one of her problems with her ex was that his parents made all of his decisions for him and Jake responds by telling her that he runs “pretty much everything” by his parents. I can hear it already.
Ring…Ring….Hello?
Mommy? It’s Jakey. Listen, I know it’s really early but I was wondering if I can wear navy socks with khaki pants or should I go with beige?
Oh Jakey, either is fine. Just be sure you wear brown shoes and that your belt is no more than one shade lighter than your shoes. Oh, and that sweater gramma knitted you looks great with those pants.
Gee, thanks mom.
Tenely takes Jake to her dance studio and does some sort of pseudo-ballet thing for him. We learn that her ex-husband—who took more of a beating on the show than Rhianna on Grammy night—just didn’t appreciate her dancing. To be fair, I’m certain he just appreciated a different type of dance than Tenley was used to choreographing---the lap dance. At any rate, Jake pretends to love the dance but fails to pull out a dollar and tip her. He performs his pathetic boxstep again and leaves to meet Mr. and Mrs. Tenley.
We meet Tenley’s parents. Look, I really wanted to make fun of these people. I really did. They just seem so darn genuine and nice. I’ll leave it at that. When Jake dumps Tenely for Vienna she’ll have a great group of people to go home to. Mr. and Mrs. Tenley question Jake, wear purple, and eventually cry because of Jake’s canned and insincere answers. What’s new? He’s been making me cry all season. Jake is eventually pushed by the producers into asking her dad for Tenley’s hand in marriage. In a moment that would make any D.C. press secretary proud, Mr. Tenley let’s Jake know that he “feels like he could give his blessing” for Tenley to marry “a guy like” Jake. Bill Clinton was more forthcoming in his deposition in the Paula Jones case. Solid. Jake drops his third “your family is awesome” and we hop on a plane headed toward the swamps of Florida to meet Vienna and her family.
In a not-so-subtle mockery of Vienna’s swamp roots, we see her meet Jake in the middle of a Florida swamp as banjo music plays in the background. I looked for Burt Reynolds lurking in the woods with a bow and arrow seeking to fend off homosexual hillbillies, but I didn’t see him. Vienna gives Jake a hug amid the rotting cypress trees and mosquitoes in her Olivia Newton John white and green tank tops with her pink swimsuit top underneath and takes Jake on a boat ride on the river to take in all of the wildlife. Jake sports his purple dress shirt and white undershirt as they comment on the bounty of the swamp. In an attempt to one up Gia for her “you can eat my salmon” comment, Vienna asks Jake “have you ever eaten beaver tail?” Jake responds that he has but we all know that’s not true.
The boat moves slowly down the river in a scene reminiscent of Apocalypse Now. It appeared that Jake was headed to seek out Col. Kurtz to end his tour of duty only to find himself seeing the voyage as a journey into Jake's inner self. It would become an exploration of identity and a metaphor for how the outside world may alter and disrupt the inner ideals and morals of even the most incorruptible person. Alright, I’m sure that didn’t go through Jake’s dense head, but it’s not every day reality television shows draw comparisons to Conrad novellas. Sue me.
Vienna shows off the smarts she learned real good at the University of Central Florida by pointing out various wildlife. Man, that Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Organization and Communication sure does come in handy. Jake ditches (well, he probably took it off and gently folded it) the purple shirt in favor of the white undershirt and they discuss what a saint Vienna’s dad is. Jake looks not-so-thrilled but pretends to be up to the challenge of meeting him. Jake loses the undershirt, puts the purple shirt back on and we continue down the Congo in search of the duality of man.
We finally get a shot of Vienna’s dad holding a toy dog with a pink sweater on and pacing nervously. Frankly, that was weird but not as weird as when Vienna sees her father and greets him like her prom date after a half a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Incidentally, the Boone’s Farm Tropical is clearly the best while the Orange Hurricane or Blue Hawaiian have to be the most likely to make someone puke. Vienna’s father, who is apparently in the witness protection program, takes Jake to the shed to show him a real motorcycle and engage in some uncomfortable macho banter. It was a bit anti-climactic. The family grills Jake, confirms that Vienna has always been hated by women but that somehow makes her “honest”, and eventually gives him tacit approval. Her dad “spontaneously” busts into the room where Vienna and her red ruffley shirt are kissing Jake. Again, anti-climactic.
We next see Jake in a t-shirt he apparently washed in hot, looking contemplatively out of his hotel window. Knock, knock. Uh oh. Who could that be? Harrison? Jillian? Wes Hayden? Unfortunately, it’s none of the above. A distraught Ali enters the room and tells Jake that she must choose between him and her career. Jake is a big, fat no help when he gives Ali advice like “life is about minimizing your regrets” and telling her that she’s “really special.” Thanks, Jake.
Jake’s couch pillows match Tenley’s rain boots and Ali drops to the floor and cries. Apparently, there are no phones or internet linking Dallas. . . I mean Denton to San Francisco. All Jake had to do was call Jason and see how the whole dump Melissa and hook up with Molly thing worked. It’s not like Ali was going off to fight the Germans on the Eastern front. All he has to do is pull a Womack and then pick up the phone. Nonetheless, the seed is planted and we see that Ali is on her way out the door . . . forever.
FINALLY, Harrison arrives in his tailored suit and ready-for-action tie ready to get down to the business of the rose ceremony. The guy has progressed in his role to closing pitcher status. He only shows up now when things are on the line. To hell with the first nine and three quarters innings. He’s the guy we need to sort out the mess. He walks meaningfully into the mansion like Batman into a crime scene and quickly seizes control. He takes Jake to the lair of seclusion and dials up the heat by asking Jake “what if you make the wrong decision” questions. Jake looked as if he was sitting on a bike with no seat. He equivocates, scrunches his eyes and forehead, and is summarily dismissed by Harrison. Mission accomplished. Jake leaves the confines of the lair and retires to an anteroom to mull over the pictures of the ladies under soft blue neon lights. Harrison and his expensive suit greet the ladies at the door. Frankly, they all looked stunning. Even Vienna cleaned up nice for this one, and although her purple dress did accent her broad, manly shoulders, her choice of accessories hid her Adam’s apple well. Gia wore an understated red silky thing and actually covered up her shoulders. Tenley looked envious in green and Ali wore a quilt that minimized her can.
Ali eventually cracks under the immense pressure of the line up and pulls Harrison aside. Harrison blindfolds her and escorts her to the picture contemplating room where she meets Jake to discuss leaving forever. Jake is contractually obligated not to give her an answer but blatantly tips his hand telling her she wasn’t “on the line tonight.” Translation: I’ll pick you if you stay and Gia’s going home. Afraid to decide, Ali puts her legs in Jake’s lap and hems and haws for an ungodly amount of time before Harrison busts in and drops the hammer. I love it. Ali leaves. Tenley smiles sweetly, Vienna basks in sweet victory at the elimination of her rival, and Gia attempted to smile before straining a stitch.
Jake sobs on a banister (there wasn’t an available balcony nearby) and announces that the final three will be going to St. Lucia. With the Amazing count at 73, Absolutely at 12, and at Journey 11, we head to the Caribbean. Until next week. Adios. I’ll be unavailable as I will be deep in the swamps of Florida hunting for beaver tail.
We go from San Francisco to New York City where we see the expected shots of all the familiar New York landmarks. Yes, it’s Gia’s city and she tells us in her Cher from Moonstruck accent and oversized, off-the-shoulder, bedazzled sweater how excited she is to see Jake. Jake pulls up in “his” black SUV limo thing and hops out to experience the Big Apple. Gia—who has obviously studied the tape of Jillian’s season—does her own version of Jillian’s assumptive greeting by leading with her hooha and jumping into Jake’s arms and wrapping her legs around him like a python around a rat. Jake says something boring and Gia lets him know that they are going to a boat ride as Jake does that weird high up hand holding thing that looked more like a police arrest move than a romantic gesture. I found myself worrying about Gia’s rotator cuff. It appeared he might dislocate her shoulder if not yank her arm off. With her free arm, Gia points out the Empire State Building, Times Square, Rockefeller Center, and the Statue of Liberty; landmarks that real New Yorkers never visit, but thanks to the limited credit the producers give the viewing audience, Gia has to act like she visits them every day. Jake acts like he’s never seen them either and they take pictures aboard the boat with a digital camera provided by whatever sponsor wanted product placement. Oddly enough, they weren’t mugged for it when they got back to shore. By the way, no Ground Zero? Gia is a New Yorker (allegedly) and Jake is a pilot (allegedly). Why in the world would they not visit Ground Zero so Jake could cry on the railing?
We learn that Jake “wants to know Gia’s heart.” In fact, he and his coral choker necklace are bound and determined to find out what’s inside it. Incidentally, that footage was clearly taken from next week’s show in the Caribbean. Is it really that difficult to get enough footage from Jake in New York to air? Apparently, the answer is “yes.” Hey Jake, Gia’s heart is exactly where Tenley’s heart is: beneath a nice set of boobs. Granted, Jake would have to go through about 1400 ccs of saline to get there, but that’s where her heart is. What a tool.
Gia sports an aqua silk scarf with an odd pattern and demonstrates its versatility by wrapping around her neck, her waist, and finally covering up her shoulders with it. She might have blown her nose with it but I don’t think it’s a real working nose anymore since the reconstruction. Jake again kills the moment by asking the past relationship question and we learn that Gia’s ex was an awful person who slept with all of her friends. At least I think that’s what she was saying. Her hair covered her face like Chewbacca. Perhaps the boat was not such a great idea considering Gia’s flowing locks. Where is a scrunchy when you need one? At that moment the ex-boyfriend was receiving high fives in some Midtown dive and reliving the conquest of all of Gia’s friends. I’m sure he felt guilty for a moment or two before accepting the free shots from the strangers at the other end of the bar. Jake lets us know he’s not dirty and slimy like the ex and that he doesn’t resolve conflict violently. He doesn’t let the sun go down without resolving a problem. The other guy didn’t let the sun go down without hooking up with one of Gia’s friends. I found the difference in philosophy fascinating.
After again being reminded that Gia is from New York we go from Midtown to wherever she is really from and meet her parents, Donna and Tony, and her brothers Dylan and Erick. Everyone gets a fake hug, Jake gives Donna a gift bag and, Gia and her mother cry like two gay guys after killing a bottle of wine watching Beaches when Barbara Hershey dies and Bette Midler is forced to cope. After some inane banter at the dinner table, Gia’s mother pulls Jake aside to see if he is going to break Gia’s heart. Gia’s mother and her dyed hair and pointy nose give us an idea of what Gia would look like sans the little tune up she had. She proceeds—to borrow the parlance of New Yorkers—to bust Jake’s balls about his intentions with Gia. “How would you take care of her,” she asks. I was waiting for Jake to respond, “on my cargo pilot salary.” No such luck. Jake gives canned answers and we clearly see where Gia gets her man skills when her mom bites the hook. A not-so-convinced Erick pulls Gia aside and drops a classic understatement. “He seems alright,” he kindly tells Gia. Translation: he’s a fancy boy. Erick warns Gia to “just watch out” as we get a good look at his Pauly D from Jersey Shore Brooklyn Blowout hairstyle. He seemed sincere but looked like Groucho Marx on meth. He eventually threatened to break Jake’s legs if he hurt Gia. Classic. At least we have that to look forward to on the After the Rose show when his baby sister will be contractually obligated to relive the humiliation of being the second runner up. I hope cargo pilots have good disability insurance.
Gia, her mother, and the scarf have a “private” heart to heart and Gia’s mother gives her blessing because she sees the love in Jake’s eyes. She tells Gia to reach for the stars with one foot on the ground. Great advice, Mom. I’m sure that will comfort Gia next week when she gets booted like an illegally parked car. After accepting her mother’s advice and thanking her brother for threatening Jake, the two leave to sit on a stoop and exchange meaningless chatter between kisses. Gia’s botox holds up well and Jake tells us he’s finally seen the “real Gia.” Right. Frankly, that’s not difficult to do. He could have saved himself the airfare and just searched YouTube for “Gia” and “Maxim” if he wanted to see that.
We next go to Williamstown, Massachusetts to see what Ali has in store for Jake. Ali apparently forgot to pack her clothes because she shows up in the white coat Tenley wore last week on the one-on-one, one of Jake’s flannels from week three, Gia’s undershirt, and some stretch pants she found lying around outside Harrison’s hotel room after last episode’s wrap party. For some reason, the entire ensemble was tied together with cowboy boots. I’m not even gay and I know that outfit didn’t work. Jake shows up in anticipation of another boat ride in his Navy pea coat and gloves. Ali gives Jake a less promiscuous greeting as we notice that the flannel shirt she borrowed from Jake’s week three wardrobe is strategically placed over her rear end. In what seemed like endless small talk, Jake and Ali discuss the fact that in Massachusetts the leaves change color on the trees and eventually drop to the ground. I believe people in the rest of the country refer to that as Fall, but what do I know? The conversation is about as forced as a post-surgical bowel movement. I found myself begging for it to end. Ali takes Jake to “like the middle of her town” and brings him into the creepy empty confines of her deceased grandmother’s house to see if flies cover him and tell him to leave. They don’t. Frankly, I felt sorry for Ali that she had to let an entire camera crew and whoever else parade through what was obviously a sacred place for her. She also wasted that moment on a dolt like Jake. That sucks for her and her grandmother.
After touring the Amityville house, Jake and Ali—who invested in the Bump-It in her down time at the mansion—share an intimate moment and some fake laughs on the lawn before heading to meet her mother, sister, and brother. They toast Jake’s arrival and Ali’s mother informs him that she’s done a search for him online. She and her red sweater with the giant Frosty the Snowman buttons interview Jake in the family gazebo and Jake scrunches his forehead and does that fake smirky, wrinkly face thing that makes me want to punch him. Ali’s mom mistakes that look for real sincerity and gives her blessing for Jake to join the family. Ali gushes about her dreams and gives Jake the hard close. In a move demonstrative of how serious he is, Jake pulls off his gloves and moves in for the big kiss. Booooooring. He failed to mention that he too has a gazebo in the backyard of his starter home in Denton.
Frankly, I was so disappointed at this point that neither Ali nor Gia’s families were nuts. They seemed like nice people, damn it. Why did Michelle have to implode so early? However, I was also encouraged that Vienna’s family would pick up the slack or perhaps Tenley’s ex-husband would come back and beat the hell out of Jake. In other words, I had hope.
Next we go to Newberg, Oregon, Tenley’s hometown. Tenley shows up in her seasonally and geographically appropriate polka dot rain boots and blue rain coat. Jake apparently got the memo because his ultra feminine scarf matched Tenley’s get up perfectly. They hug knowingly and proceed to walk through the pine trees in order to discuss—what else—Tenley’s divorce. For God’s sake, enough with the divorce already. It’s like my high school guidance counselor used to tell me between cigarette drags, “the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.” I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m sure it applies here.
Tenley has some tough questions for Jake before she shares the interpretive dance number she’s created especially for him. She wants answers. She thinks she’s entitled. She wants the truth. Apparently, she can’t handle the truth. She seems un-phased when she tells Jake that one of her problems with her ex was that his parents made all of his decisions for him and Jake responds by telling her that he runs “pretty much everything” by his parents. I can hear it already.
Ring…Ring….Hello?
Mommy? It’s Jakey. Listen, I know it’s really early but I was wondering if I can wear navy socks with khaki pants or should I go with beige?
Oh Jakey, either is fine. Just be sure you wear brown shoes and that your belt is no more than one shade lighter than your shoes. Oh, and that sweater gramma knitted you looks great with those pants.
Gee, thanks mom.
Tenely takes Jake to her dance studio and does some sort of pseudo-ballet thing for him. We learn that her ex-husband—who took more of a beating on the show than Rhianna on Grammy night—just didn’t appreciate her dancing. To be fair, I’m certain he just appreciated a different type of dance than Tenley was used to choreographing---the lap dance. At any rate, Jake pretends to love the dance but fails to pull out a dollar and tip her. He performs his pathetic boxstep again and leaves to meet Mr. and Mrs. Tenley.
We meet Tenley’s parents. Look, I really wanted to make fun of these people. I really did. They just seem so darn genuine and nice. I’ll leave it at that. When Jake dumps Tenely for Vienna she’ll have a great group of people to go home to. Mr. and Mrs. Tenley question Jake, wear purple, and eventually cry because of Jake’s canned and insincere answers. What’s new? He’s been making me cry all season. Jake is eventually pushed by the producers into asking her dad for Tenley’s hand in marriage. In a moment that would make any D.C. press secretary proud, Mr. Tenley let’s Jake know that he “feels like he could give his blessing” for Tenley to marry “a guy like” Jake. Bill Clinton was more forthcoming in his deposition in the Paula Jones case. Solid. Jake drops his third “your family is awesome” and we hop on a plane headed toward the swamps of Florida to meet Vienna and her family.
In a not-so-subtle mockery of Vienna’s swamp roots, we see her meet Jake in the middle of a Florida swamp as banjo music plays in the background. I looked for Burt Reynolds lurking in the woods with a bow and arrow seeking to fend off homosexual hillbillies, but I didn’t see him. Vienna gives Jake a hug amid the rotting cypress trees and mosquitoes in her Olivia Newton John white and green tank tops with her pink swimsuit top underneath and takes Jake on a boat ride on the river to take in all of the wildlife. Jake sports his purple dress shirt and white undershirt as they comment on the bounty of the swamp. In an attempt to one up Gia for her “you can eat my salmon” comment, Vienna asks Jake “have you ever eaten beaver tail?” Jake responds that he has but we all know that’s not true.
The boat moves slowly down the river in a scene reminiscent of Apocalypse Now. It appeared that Jake was headed to seek out Col. Kurtz to end his tour of duty only to find himself seeing the voyage as a journey into Jake's inner self. It would become an exploration of identity and a metaphor for how the outside world may alter and disrupt the inner ideals and morals of even the most incorruptible person. Alright, I’m sure that didn’t go through Jake’s dense head, but it’s not every day reality television shows draw comparisons to Conrad novellas. Sue me.
Vienna shows off the smarts she learned real good at the University of Central Florida by pointing out various wildlife. Man, that Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Organization and Communication sure does come in handy. Jake ditches (well, he probably took it off and gently folded it) the purple shirt in favor of the white undershirt and they discuss what a saint Vienna’s dad is. Jake looks not-so-thrilled but pretends to be up to the challenge of meeting him. Jake loses the undershirt, puts the purple shirt back on and we continue down the Congo in search of the duality of man.
We finally get a shot of Vienna’s dad holding a toy dog with a pink sweater on and pacing nervously. Frankly, that was weird but not as weird as when Vienna sees her father and greets him like her prom date after a half a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Incidentally, the Boone’s Farm Tropical is clearly the best while the Orange Hurricane or Blue Hawaiian have to be the most likely to make someone puke. Vienna’s father, who is apparently in the witness protection program, takes Jake to the shed to show him a real motorcycle and engage in some uncomfortable macho banter. It was a bit anti-climactic. The family grills Jake, confirms that Vienna has always been hated by women but that somehow makes her “honest”, and eventually gives him tacit approval. Her dad “spontaneously” busts into the room where Vienna and her red ruffley shirt are kissing Jake. Again, anti-climactic.
We next see Jake in a t-shirt he apparently washed in hot, looking contemplatively out of his hotel window. Knock, knock. Uh oh. Who could that be? Harrison? Jillian? Wes Hayden? Unfortunately, it’s none of the above. A distraught Ali enters the room and tells Jake that she must choose between him and her career. Jake is a big, fat no help when he gives Ali advice like “life is about minimizing your regrets” and telling her that she’s “really special.” Thanks, Jake.
Jake’s couch pillows match Tenley’s rain boots and Ali drops to the floor and cries. Apparently, there are no phones or internet linking Dallas. . . I mean Denton to San Francisco. All Jake had to do was call Jason and see how the whole dump Melissa and hook up with Molly thing worked. It’s not like Ali was going off to fight the Germans on the Eastern front. All he has to do is pull a Womack and then pick up the phone. Nonetheless, the seed is planted and we see that Ali is on her way out the door . . . forever.
FINALLY, Harrison arrives in his tailored suit and ready-for-action tie ready to get down to the business of the rose ceremony. The guy has progressed in his role to closing pitcher status. He only shows up now when things are on the line. To hell with the first nine and three quarters innings. He’s the guy we need to sort out the mess. He walks meaningfully into the mansion like Batman into a crime scene and quickly seizes control. He takes Jake to the lair of seclusion and dials up the heat by asking Jake “what if you make the wrong decision” questions. Jake looked as if he was sitting on a bike with no seat. He equivocates, scrunches his eyes and forehead, and is summarily dismissed by Harrison. Mission accomplished. Jake leaves the confines of the lair and retires to an anteroom to mull over the pictures of the ladies under soft blue neon lights. Harrison and his expensive suit greet the ladies at the door. Frankly, they all looked stunning. Even Vienna cleaned up nice for this one, and although her purple dress did accent her broad, manly shoulders, her choice of accessories hid her Adam’s apple well. Gia wore an understated red silky thing and actually covered up her shoulders. Tenley looked envious in green and Ali wore a quilt that minimized her can.
Ali eventually cracks under the immense pressure of the line up and pulls Harrison aside. Harrison blindfolds her and escorts her to the picture contemplating room where she meets Jake to discuss leaving forever. Jake is contractually obligated not to give her an answer but blatantly tips his hand telling her she wasn’t “on the line tonight.” Translation: I’ll pick you if you stay and Gia’s going home. Afraid to decide, Ali puts her legs in Jake’s lap and hems and haws for an ungodly amount of time before Harrison busts in and drops the hammer. I love it. Ali leaves. Tenley smiles sweetly, Vienna basks in sweet victory at the elimination of her rival, and Gia attempted to smile before straining a stitch.
Jake sobs on a banister (there wasn’t an available balcony nearby) and announces that the final three will be going to St. Lucia. With the Amazing count at 73, Absolutely at 12, and at Journey 11, we head to the Caribbean. Until next week. Adios. I’ll be unavailable as I will be deep in the swamps of Florida hunting for beaver tail.
loved your take on this episode!
ReplyDeleteglad i found you thru' green beans.
funny funny stuff.