Sunday, December 20, 2015

Bachelor Ben: SGIA is Back to Rate the Ho, Ho, Ho's

Well hello, Readers. It's certainly been a while since Some Guy in Austin chose to post any content on this site.  Its been as barren as a pre-nonagenarian Sarah's womb since the close of our last season of The Bachelorette. That's not to say I haven't been busy. I just haven't been busy with this.

Nonetheless, it's fantastic to be back on the eve of everyone's favorite holiday.  I am, of course, referring to the January 4, 2016, season premier of Bachelor Ben's poker run at finding the sleekest and fastest speedboat on Commitment Lake so he can tentatively propose a hypothetical marriage preceded by an indefinite engagement sprinkled with star-studded events and meaningless red carpet interviews filled with vagaries and innuendo before formally announcing an "amicable" breakup after a paid stint on Dancing with the Stars and appearances on endless talk shows and tabloid magazine covers.  

DISCLAIMER:  I hate disclaimers.  However, this is the one post every season that I feel needs a disclaimer from Yours Truly.  I don't ever feel the need to apologize for what's written here but in light of fact that these bios are the only information I'm relying upon when forming my opinion (and expressing it to you in sarcastic terms), I'd like to point out that I don't read tabloids, Reality Stan, or any other Bachelor-related material other than Lincee Ray's, so my guesses below are precisely that:  Guesses.  Also, I don't know whose husband tragically passed away, who has been struggling with an eating disorder, or who identifies as a man.  Remember that when I say something that, in retrospect and in light of the big picture, is incredibly mean. 

Yes, folks, there's magic in the air.  Now damnit, let's get to it.  

Chris H.  CHA-CHING.

Amanda, 25, Esthetician who loves The Notebook.  That didn't take long, did it?  The first horse out of the barn loves The Notebook.  Shocking.  My bet is that there are as many girls named Lauren as there are who love The Notebook this season.   Hell, I've already mentioned it three times and I'm not even past the first girl.  She's pleasant looking enough but has two kids, a fear of aging, and would buy a house on the beach and adopt kids and dogs if she won the lottery.  She's basically Madonna without the music career.  She'll get past the cocktail party if she doesn't unload her luggage on Ben.  

(Still) Amber,  (Still) "30", (Still) Bartender.  She's been rejected more times than a Syrian passport on every iteration of this show.  But hey, why not come back and try just one more time?  Her bio tells us that she'd be a zookeeper for a day.   I've got a zoo question for you, Amber.  How many times does an elephant go to a dry watering hole before it moves on in search of another?  Perhaps Amber should look for the answer to that question.  She's nice enough, attractive enough, and has probably been compensated by ABC enough to stick around through the cocktail party.  

(Still) Becca, (Still) 26, (Still) a Chiropractic Assistant and (Still) afraid of clogging the toilet on a date.  YAWN.  Like Amber, the Ratings Police will keep her around for a bit.  However, she lacks the "Look at Me, Look at Me" personality necessary to stand out amongst the gaggle.  I liked her, but it's time for her to get back to back cracking.

Breanne, 30, Nutritional Therapist who's favorite book is Why Men Love Bitches.  Hey, Breanne, men don't love bitches and the answers to life are not contained in self-help books.  Reading self-help books about being a "strong woman" doesn't make you a strong woman.  I hope she packed a copy of whatever the sequel to that book is named.  It will give her something to read in the limo on her way to the airport from the Mansion.  Why so harsh, you ask?  I don't see Ben picking a 30 year-old with an affinity for relationship books and a chip on her shoulder above the others.  

Caila, 24, Software Sales Rep. who loves U2 because "it reminds me of my dad."  OOOOF.  Her head shot seems sufficiently perky enough to get her past night one.  However, I'll reserve judgment until we see what comes out of her mouth when she opens it.  Besides, I'm still reeling from the U2 comment.  

Emily, 22, Twin.  Up until this moment I was unaware that I had two jobs.  As most of you know, I'm a lawyer.  However, I'm also a twin, which is apparently an "occupation" according to Emily here. No wonder I'm so tired all the time.  Speaking of tired:  Twins?  At least their names don't rhyme and they aren't dressed the same in their pictures.  If Ben wanted to ruin Christmas he'd identify the competitive one and then dump her but not her sister.  

Haley, 22, Twin.  I won't insult her individuality in spite of her blatant disregard for it by treating her and her sister as one person.  Again, the twin dating thing is hokey, predictable, and stupid.  If I were Ben, I'd send them both packing.  If she and her sister do last, it's because he was told to keep them around.  She tells us in her bio that she can't live without her cell phone or spray tan.  She apparently gets along just fine without her self-respect.  Oh, and I think her sister is prettier than she is.    

Izzy, 24, Graphic Designer who also loves The Notebook.  Fun nickname, hyper-creative career, dimple, mischievous, mysterious smile, and a self-confident stance.  He'll send her home.  I could be wrong but Ben is a numbers guy and he's pretty conservative if I recall correctly.  My guess is that all that creativity and mysteriousness will equate to too much unpredictability for Ole Ben.  

Jackie, 23, Gerontologist.  Meh.  I wouldn't jump over a bar stool to hand her my number but she's not unattractive.   Studying old people is an odd career choice and my guess is that she's the book smart, shy, intellectual type who probably wore quarter inch thick glasses and head gear most of her life.  Her bio tells us that she went paragliding in the Alps with her dad.  Great.  Rich, athletic dad who takes the time to travel internationally with his smart daughter.   Good luck replacing that guy, Ben.  

Jami, 23, Bartender.  She should just change her name to Amber so Ben doesn't have to bother learning it.  They could be twins like what's-her-face and what's-her-other-face above.  She's a Canadian who is inexperienced as a lover (read: This Season's Virgin).   If she throws out the immaculate reception at the cocktail reception she'll be oot the door in aboot an hour.   

Jennifer, 25, Small Business Owner.  Confident picture.  I'm going to reserve my comments until I verify just what exactly her "small business" involves.  However, props to her for striking it out on her own.  Her bio tells us she'd marry a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure.  If she drops that on Ben as she steps out of the limo, that should be good to hold her over for 6 or 7 shows.   

Jessica, 23, Accountant.  Pretty girl who needs a makeover.  Steady job and she tells us that she prefers low key bars as opposed to "a sweaty guy rubbing up against me at a club".  I'd ask her out.  The means that Ben probably won't.  We'll see if she and Ben add up.  See what I did there?  

JoJo, 23, Real Estate Developer.  That means her dad owns a real estate development company.  Regardless, she's my pick for best head shot.  She's hot.  Confident, attractive, not overdone, and she went low cut and sleeveless to accentuate . . . well, her best developments.  My guess is that she has personality.  She'll stick around if that personality is not over the top.  She tells us that she can make her tongue a 3 leaf clover.  That's a Fantasy Suite talent if I ever heard one.  

Jubilee, 24, War Veteran who also loves The Notebook.  At least these girls will all agree on what to watch on the Blue-Ray player when Ben is out on his one-on-one dates.  She's attractive and likely has a lot to discuss considering she's served during war time. Not bad for a girl who's named after a commemorative event or a flaming dessert.  

Lace, 25, Real Estate Agent.  Hot.  She looks like trouble and has a stripper's name.  My guess is that's why she was cast.  I love her already.  Her most embarrassing moment?  "When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it." Here's to hoping she tops that this season.  

Laura, 24, Account Executive.  She loves pie and sunscreen.  I hope she loves going home too because that's where she's headed after night one.  

Lauren B., 25, Stewardess.  The first of a parade of Laurens.  She looks like she's up to something.  She could be a sleeper.  Her bio tells us that she loves love and wears her heart on her sleeve.  I think that means she works for Southwest Airlines.  She'll make it past the party but let's see what her personality is like before we give her a date with Ben.   

Lauren H., 25, Kindergarten Teacher.  Caring, nurturing job, genuine smile.  She'll stick around.  It will be good for her to get hit on by a guy her own age for a change rather than some creepy middle-aged father of a 5 year-old asking if he can be this year's "Room Dad".  I think they'll keep all of the Laurens around for the first show but she's likely to earn that spot on her own merits.   Her bio says she wants to be Harrison for a day.  Don't we all, Lauren H.?  Don't we all? 

Lauren R., 26, Math Teacher.  She looks like a pre-op tranny to me.   Caitlyn Jenner has a smaller Adam's Apple.  I'm guessing we'll see that head shot in the local newspaper when she gets caught in an "inappropriate" relationship with one of her high school students.  She tells us that she wants to have lunch with Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake.  That might be amusing to me if her entire career wasn't based around inspiring the next generation of children.  God help us. 

Lauren B. ("LB"), 23, Fashion Buyer from Oklahoma.  If her nickname was "KG", she'd be 10.45 years old.  That's a little metric humor for my international fans.  Imperial measurement-esque nickname aside, I think she falls into the average department when it comes to looks.  She looks shy too.  Her career choice is a bit specious when it comes to geography as well.  Oklahoma isn't exactly the epicenter of the fashion world.  Notwithstanding my (probably unfair) criticism, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.  

Leah, 25, Event Planner who has two doves tattooed on the backs of her calves.  Uh oh.  That might be a little too familiar for Ben in light of that lascivious strumpet Kaitlyn's tattoos.  She'll have to overcome that stigma if she's going to stick around and become the Almost Mrs. Ben H.  Big tattoos in an obvious location scream attention-seeker too.  If that's the case, I doubt she'll stick around.   

Maegan, 30, Cowgirl.  Ben (or is it Baen?) doesn't strike me as the cowgirl loving type.  We'll see.  

Mandi, 28, Dentist.  I wonder if she's a real dentist or if she's a dentist like Ashley was a dentist?   Something behind her eyes looks a tad off too, no?  Maybe it's just me.  Blatantly obvious boob job and her bio tells us that she has a "tendency to drink too much".  I'm so excited for the cocktail party, I can't stand it.  They should just do her a favor and set her up with that guy that passed out at Ashley's cocktail party a few seasons ago.  Let's hope Ben doesn't let her near his mouth with a sharp hook.    

Olivia, 23, News Anchor.  Austin, Texas.  I think she's from Austin but must news anchor somewhere else, because she's not on the local news here in town.  Still, she's incredibly attractive and I'd pick her as one of my favorites based on the head shot.  I have no real feel for her yet but if she's as intellectual as she is pretty, she may be around for a while.  

Rachel, 23, She's unemployed and her biggest fear is not finding a husband before 30.  For her sake, let's hope she has something other than those two things to discuss with Ben.  She's attractive, but her resume screams co-dependent leech.  Of course, if she's unemployed because she has a giant trust fund, that could up her chances a tad.  It's a damn good thing she's not also a twin.  That would (apparently) ruin her chances at collecting unemployment considering the fact that "Twin" is an occupation and all.  Her head shot screams positive energy, however.  I'll need her back story before I make any conclusions.    

Samantha, 26, Attorney who can't live without her straightener or WiFi.  My guess is that she's the hyper-competitive type with a fear of failing.  Incidentally, her hair doesn't look straight in her head shot.  She's semi-attractive but her head shot implies she's overbearing.      

Shushanna, 27, Mathematician with a classic long relationship leading to heartbreak and a trip to the show to "get back out there" bio.  Ben plus 28 girls divided by 11 shows equals drama and stress.  Let's hope she can handle it.  The good news is that her name isn't Lauren.  She's also a favorite of mine.   

Tiara, 27, Chicken Enthusiast.  I'd put her in my favorite category if, and only if, the Chicken Enthusiast schtick runs its course quickly.  She's pretty and may have a sense of humor if her bio rings true.  She has the unfortunate distinction of sharing her name with one of the biggest idiots to ever fall down the carefully watered and softly lit steps of the Mansion.  Let's hope Ben doesn't try and steal her sparkle.   

Boom!  There it is.  It's good to be back after my hiatus.  I'm looking forward to writing this season and I'm looking forward to your comments, Tweets (@someguyinaustin), and messages.  Bachelor season is upon us, folks.  However, it's the Christmas Season first.  

Enjoy your families at least until you get sick of them.  Drink past the pain, don't discuss politics, religion, or Donald Trump at the dinner table, and (most of all) be grateful for all that you have and do not dwell on what you don't (at least for a few days).  I hope you all have a happy and safe Holiday Season.  We'll talk again around January 4.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be sharpening my wit.  DP