Bachelor Chris Episode 4: Ashley I. Gets Jaded

 Amazing Count 74

Journey Count 16

Hello, Readers.  Week 4 and I have to admit, even with a dolt of a Bachelor, a couple of virgins, a schizophrenic, an all expenses paid one-way trip to Iowa, and a couple of drunk Canadians, it’s shaping up to be a hell of a season.  The entire thing sounds like the sucker-bet showcase on The Price is Right.  You know, the one with the tent and the bar-b-que grill and not the jet ski and the trip to Aruba.  Some Guy observed a lot this week and, based on the feedback I’ve gotten so far, it appears a male point of view is in high demand. 

We have a lot to sort out.  Let’s get to it. 

Thankfully, a solo Chris Harrison is back in his customary “I stopped caring a few seasons ago” untucked oxford and designer jeans.  With baited breasts the women listen intently has he resets the whole show after the havoc Kimmel’s guest spot caused last week.  

He drops the “stakes are high” speech, the 2 Group but 1 solo date news, and parts with the date card before heading to the ABC Production Tent for a stiff mimosa and an even stiffer paycheck.  Oh yea, he artfully mixed in the fact that Chris’ three sisters will be swinging by to interview the ladies and make a special pick for a special date.  The women sat there drooling like a pack of Pavlov’s dogs.

First date card.  “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I., Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsie.  Let’s do what feels natural.”  Seemed simple enough.  What followed was a confusing series of nervous hair flattening, primping, extension fixing, and caking on the make up.  Naturally. 

Look, I’ve alluded to the fact that this post is going to be heavy on the guy advice.  Here’s the first little bit of it.  But first, a comment, then a clip.

Look, I don’t know what it is about y’all and this show, but what often seems patently obvious to me as a man might as well be black crayon on a chalkboard to the female readers.  I often get “my husband agreed with you” comments and emails.   Of course he did, he’s a man.   We’re like Matt Damon in The Legend of Bagger Vance.  We see The Field. 

(Start around 3:00)  See the Field

The Field for Date One?  Let me explain. 

Chris is from Iowa.  He’s not looking for buttonless cut off jeans, hair extensions, and a lot of complaining about bugs, muddy water, and sleeping in a tent.  The paddle boards, rafts, kayaks, and the remote location are all window dressing.  He’s looking for someone who can be spontaneous, adapt if out of her comfort zone, and someone who is drama free. 

No vodka?  How about a beer? 

No toilet paper?  How about peeing in the river?

No shower?  How about roughing it for 12 hours?

These entire dates, obstacle courses, and twists are all designed to weed out the drunks (Tara, Jordan), nut jobs (Ashley S.), Type A over-competitive Types (Jillian, Organ Saleswoman) and complainers (Ashley I., Kelsie).  Why is that so difficult to see?  

It’s not like it’s not working either.   It’s been textbook.  Look who is ahead right now.  Jade, Kaitlyn, Carly, Samantha, and Becca.  I’ll break these down, but what do all of them have in common?  They’re simple, interested in what he has to say, and go with the flow.  They’re on his radar because they’ve been flying under it.  More about this later.  Jade’s date vs. Jillian’s date should be a case study for all women looking to land a dude . . . or turn one off so badly he’ll lose your number before you get home and take off your extensions. 

Classic convertibles take Chris and the Group Daters to a retention pond somewhere east of the mansion.  Ashley I. immediately begins to stress about telling Chris that she’s never been banged like a screen door in a hurricane.  Kaitlyn drops her suit bottoms and Kelsie complains . . . and complains . . . and complains. 

She actually referred to the location as a “hellhole.”  Notwithstanding the stupidity of that comment, I’m certain there were a whole bunch of America’s finest watching from a hovel in Afghanistan who likely took exception to that.  Even the bees were sick of it.  She got stung on the crotch after referring to the entire date as “questionable”.  Funny, I said the same thing about Chris’ choice to keep Ashley S. around last week. 

After a non-competitive game of Red Rover, Ashley I. and Mackenzie let the art of tent assembly get the better of them.  Under Kaitlyn’s leadership, Megan overcame her prodigious bosom and lack of a brain and managed to get her tent assembled.  Good Lord.

Kaitlyn, how do we put this tent together?  If I only had a brain. 

After Kelsie’s “I’m bloated and my boobs hurt and I need a Midol” day at the campsite, we begin to get the “she’s fake” talk that we all know will inevitably lead to the dreaded “right reasons” accusations in the weeks to come.  I was waiting for this season’s Wes Hayden to arrive.  It appears Kelsie is this season’s bad guy. 

As Ashley I. made sure her lip gloss was thicker than her eyelashes, the other Ashley proceeded to go all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the bunch again.  She’s a Strange Case, indeed. 

Kaitlyn dropped enough one-liners about her to meet the Crazy Joke quota and Chris finally seemed scared enough to make a mental note to leave her roseless this week.   She actually mixed in the word “love” before disappearing into the darkness like Bigfoot . . .  a crazier, skinner, more desperate version of Bigfoot. 

After fixing the cake icing on her face, Ashley I. has a Clare moment and decides to “sneak” into Chris’ tent while he’s “sleeping” . . . like all guys do, in his vest, shirt, and jeans . . . to talk vaguely about the status of her hymen and her overwhelming feelings.  Right.  She plans on telling him that she’s a virgin who’s never had a boyfriend but apparently opted for what looked like attempted CPR.

“Can you imagine what would happen if you woke me up on a camping trip in the Hill Country in my own tent to talk about your feelings?” I said to the Mrs. 

Response?  Laughter followed by a pause and a “poor Ashley.” 

Exactly.  Know your audience, Ashley.  She might as well have waited until the Superbowl and began texting him her feelings. 

“I’m a virgin who’s never had a boyfriend”?  Wow.  Keep selling, Ashley I.  To a 31 year old, formerly engaged guy looking to bring a woman back to Iowa that’s a lot of aggravation he doesn’t need.  The only reason to marry a virgin after age 30 is to avoid criticism.  She’s more insecure than the other Ashley’s grip on reality. Just wait until she finds out where Iowa is.

You know what they say, Ashley I.  A really good makeout session will make your whole week, but really good sex will make your hole weak.  Keep up the act and Chris will see you as nothing more than a sex object:  Every time he asks for sex, you object.  The upside for her, of course, is that virginity can be cured.   Unfortunately, stupidity can’t.  

Fun Fact:  Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray will laugh hysterically at that last paragraph, feel guilty about it, and then refuse to give me the satisfaction of telling me she found it funny which, of course, is twice as funny to me than if she'd just admit it in the first place.   

Moving on. 

Kaitlyn got the date rose and admitted she was drunk.  Take notes:  cool girl who can hold her liquor and maintain her sense of humor without the “I’m a virgin” schtick who doesn’t mind camping for a night.  By the way, those 4 things will get you a Princess Date (and maybe a Neil Lane ring) more times than fake eyelashes and fake virginity will.    

Mansion.  Jillian napped with her black box at the pool.  A paint the nails party ensues between Becca, Jade, Whitney, and Carly and, unfortunately, Chris’ sisters show up before the pillow fight starts.  Jillian gets an opportunity to put on some clothes.  She sorta takes it.     

This is what we do at all sleepovers!  

Chris’ sisters seemed nice enough.  I liked them when they were known as Wilson Phillips but was glad to see they could still find work.  The girls interview with Jade scoring major points with her low-key approach and her Nebraska roots.  More insight.

Whitney—she was nice but too rehearsed and uptight.  She always looks like she’s on the way to a Junior League function and it’s apparent—in spite of her ‘wedding crash’—that she can’t relax.  Incidentally, do you know why Junior League women never attend orgies? 

Too many thank you cards to write. 

You’re welcome.

Becca seemed comfortable.  I like her and she scores major one-on-one points but she’s shy and a tad boring in the group setting.  I still think she’ll go far if she gets a one-on-one, but she didn’t dazzle Chyna, Carly, and Wendy. 

Britt fakes it.  They saw right through it.  She should Hold On For One More Day.  Doncha know, things will change.  Things will go her way if she holds on for one more day.  

Carly tells her “men abused me” story and wants Chris to be like her Grandpa.  I have to admit that she’s endeared herself to me the past couple of weeks but even for Iowa the grandpa line was a little creepy. 

Artichokes!  Date card.

“Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball…Chyna, Carly, and Wendy.”  Wasn’t Rikki Lake in Wilson Phillips?  Nevermind.   

Jade wins gracefully and The. Sh*t. Hits. The. Fan.   Seriously.  Watching the rest of the women pace nervously around the “Transformation Room” while Jade’s “Fairy Godmother” got her ready for the “Cinderella Princess Date” was freaking priceless.  

The look on their faces when they overheard Cruella Deville telling Jade she could keep the shoes and the Neil Lane earrings was solid Bachelor gold.  They looked like a pack of hyena’s circling a dead wildebeest waiting for the female lion to finish eating.  Ashley I. took it the hardest.  Well, not hard enough to melt her eyelashes but pretty hard.   

Free shoes?  I can't stand it!  

“All I want to do is go on a date and dress up like a Disney Princess,” Ashley I. whines.  Is she five?  

“Fairy Princesses have to put out for Prince Charming in his castle or carriage or whatever to get a date like that,” I said into my Lone Star. 

“No kidding,” said Mrs. SGIA.  Now you see why we get along. 

Alright, let’s talk about Jade. 

The news is already out this week that she’s the one who posed nude, has been arrested, and, apparently, made a semi-dirty movie . . . or two.  We can discuss that later but let’s keep in mind that Chris knew none of that when she emerged atop the stairs in her Cinderella dress as the winner of the “three women I love and who love me picked her for me” contest.  Powerful stuff.  Say what you want, but she looked phenomenal.   Frankly, she could have given Chris a signed copy of those pictures and her movie as she walked down the stairs and I’m not sure it would have mattered.  

And yes, I saw the covered back tattoo.  If you looked closely you could make out "Suck it, Ashely I." surrounded by dolphins jumping over rainbows.    In high school we used to call a girl like that a "dropped french fry."  Kinda dirty, but you'd still eat it.  

Compare Chris’ body language at the Fairy Princess dinner with his body language at the ensuing CrossFit Jillian dinner.  It’s a study in contrasts.  He was engaged, unguarded, content, and calm with Jade.  She was modest, a good listener, open, unassuming, and sincere.  As far as SGIA is concerned I’d rather be surrounded by those adjectives regardless of the past that preceded them than contrived, insecure, semi-virginal, and self-interested. 

People make mistakes and, unfortunately for anyone who is in her 20’s, those mistakes are often on film or the Internet forever.   My dad used to tell me that it doesn’t matter what mistake you make, it’s what you do to correct it that matters down the road.  I realize I’ll get some push back about my stance here, but I like Jade.  I forgive her for posing nude.  You should too.  It’s ALWAYS the quiet ones that have the biggest secrets, isn’t it? 

Flash back to virginal Ashley I.  She wouldn’t (or couldn't?) let it go.  She dresses up in her princess dress, eats corn by herself, and slams champagne.  Cinderella, my ass.  More like Bitterella.  She needs to get laid. 

Jade earns the rose and a blushy-cheeked Prince Farming takes one step closer to learning about how to deal with her shady past from the ABC PR Department in their first Presser.   

Date Card.   “Nikki, Britt, Jillian, Carly, Becca, Whitney.  Let’s get dirty.”

In yet another hyena moment, the girls are given their own wedding dresses to wear to the date.   Chris reuses his Jade date tux plus or minus a tie choice.  Poor Carly gets to do another obstacle course against Jillian.  At least she didn’t have to drink goat’s milk this week.  Carly, who edged out Kaitlyn with the best lines of the week drops “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress” before alleging that Jillian is concealing a phallus larger than Prince Farming’s under her dress.  That was funny.  That Carly sure can roll the cob, can’t she?  Predictably, Jillian kills it in the race and gets the date.  Chris looked less than happy.    

Date with Chris/Jillian.  Not exactly a cross fit.   

Any date that starts off with “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” is doomed to fail.  What kind of question is that? Look, I won’t belabor what was a painful-to-watch date.  Chris couldn’t get a word in for what seemed like hours and Jillian treated it like another Crossfit workout rather than an opportunity to show Chris that she’s not just a walking Crossfit workout.  It’s a shame, really.  I’m sure there’s a sweet side to her.  Hyper-competitive types are hyper-competitive for a reason.  Whatever she came there to prove got the best of her.  Even when she got dumped she couldn’t accept defeat.  Bad edit?  Maybe.  I suspect that it was an accurate one, though. 

Cocktail party.

Megan hides a blindfold in her bra as she carried her melons around to dip in chocolate and not impress him.  She’s D.U.M.B., but sweet. 

Samantha, who might as well be a blow up doll at this point, listens attentively to Ashley in her Cinderella dress.  Why is she still there?  See that under the radar thing earlier in the blog.  She’s gorgeous too.  That doesn’t hurt.  She’ll be out once the nutjobs get cut loose.    

After all the build up, Ashley I. drops, “Chris, I’m a virgin.” 

His response?  “I never would have seen that coming.”  Classic.  Topped only by Carly’s “her mouth is not a virgin.”  Awesome. 

The best part was when modest Becca showed Ashley the proper way to be a virgin by non-chalantly mentioning that her hymen is also in tact.  Boom.     

So what.   

Let’s get to Britt, shall we?

Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt, Britt . . . the big game comes down to preparation.  There are some nevers when it comes to The Bachelor franchise.  Any of these are tantamount to starting a land war against Russia in the middle of winter.    

1.       Never badmouth the other women in front of the Bachelor;

2.       Never insult Lil’ Rikki Hendrix;

3.      Never run to the bathroom and cry until the Bachelor has to   come check on you; and

4.    NEVER bust the Bachelor’s balls about kissing the other women.

“Why is that behavior being validated?” is, I believe, the way she put it.  She blew it.  Chris was just too much of an inarticulate, stuttering fool, to tell her. Why can’t he confront a jealous, 100 pound waitress with a chip on her shoulder?  Unbelievable.  

Harrison shows up.  Chris finds his voice and drops the “hit the road if you don’t like it” hammer after Harrison sorts him out. 

Roses

1.     Jade (still in my top 3)

2.     Kaitlyn (still in my top 3)

3.     Whitney (meh, nothing special about her)

4.     Carly (super funny and cool but not his type.  Top 5)

5.     Megan (her and her boobs will be around for a bit longer)

6.     Samantha (I’d like to hear her speak next week)

7.     Mackenzie (she’ll see her daughter soon)

8.     Kelsie (she’ll be a top 5 as this season’s bad guy)

9.     Becca (top 3)

10.  Ashley I. (teary, dramatic departure will see her gone top 5)

11.  Britt (she’s got some ‘splainin’ to do)

Gone:

Jillian (not a good way to go out.  I hope her life is still in tact back home)

Ashley S. (Nuts and she knows it.  I hope she evens out her meds)

Nikki (innocuous and uneventful…just like the Jets she cheered for)

Juelia (It’s not you, it’s me and you need your daughter speech)

Well, there it is.   Some Guy’s top picks are in the game but I’ve been wrong a lot the past couple of ceremonies.  Chime in on Twitter or in the Comments below.  Week five previews portend a Tierra-esque injury and some more crying.  I can’t wait.  In the mean time, if you need me, I’ll be freshening my eye makeup.  DP