Hello, Readers. Welcome to the Episode TWO recap of the show we're all forcing ourselves to watch this season. Yes, I know I missed a posting last week. Allow me to vent a bit before the real fun starts.
As I mentioned, I did not post last week. For those of you who check here on a regular basis, let me first thank you for caring enough to come back week after week to read the drivel I post here. I really do appreciate each person who takes the time to read and/or comment on the post.
However, I was a bit put off to see some, quite frankly, nasty messages and e-mails from some of you threatening to never read again due to my delay or lack of posting. Please allow me to respond.
In my real life, I am the Supervising Partner of a law firm with six offices in four states currently with a very heavy and active Federal and State court litigation docket. Last week, I left Austin on a 5am flight on Tuesday morning to Ft. Lauderdale and hit Nashville, Dallas, and Houston in the following two days for work before getting home to Austin at 10:30 p.m. on Thursday night--three days after the big show.
I say that not to brag--believe me, that's nothing to brag about--but as a statement of facts demonstrative of my inability to post on time all the time. I enjoy writing this blog. In fact, it was started, in part, to give me a creative outlet far away from the boring world of legal writing and dragging a rolling bag through airports.
It's been great, but the blog doesn't pay for my almost unquenchable penchant for German cars and fancy watches, and it certainly doesn't pay for the mortgage on my house or the 30 packages a day Mrs. SGIA has delivered to our doorstep from Amazon Prime. We should be getting a drone assigned exclusively to our house any day now.
If I miss a post every now and then it's not due to some carefully planned conspiracy to deprive you of your right to screw around at work or escape your kids after a long day. There aren't guys in straw fedoras and black and white suits lurking behind the Grassy Knoll in an effort to prevent you from successfully reading my blog each week.
If I happen not to post it's due to an inability to post rather than a desire to not post. Please forgive me. If that's still not good enough to prevent you from dropping negative comments or sending me emails about what a shitty person I am, then please, find another blog. You're getting all I can give here.
Thanks for listening. Now the fun stuff. Let's get to it.
As the long-time readers know, I'm usually better at this when I'm sufficiently edgy. Today is one of those days. Let's see what happens.
As I mentioned, I did not post last week. For those of you who check here on a regular basis, let me first thank you for caring enough to come back week after week to read the drivel I post here. I really do appreciate each person who takes the time to read and/or comment on the post.
However, I was a bit put off to see some, quite frankly, nasty messages and e-mails from some of you threatening to never read again due to my delay or lack of posting. Please allow me to respond.
In my real life, I am the Supervising Partner of a law firm with six offices in four states currently with a very heavy and active Federal and State court litigation docket. Last week, I left Austin on a 5am flight on Tuesday morning to Ft. Lauderdale and hit Nashville, Dallas, and Houston in the following two days for work before getting home to Austin at 10:30 p.m. on Thursday night--three days after the big show.
I say that not to brag--believe me, that's nothing to brag about--but as a statement of facts demonstrative of my inability to post on time all the time. I enjoy writing this blog. In fact, it was started, in part, to give me a creative outlet far away from the boring world of legal writing and dragging a rolling bag through airports.
It's been great, but the blog doesn't pay for my almost unquenchable penchant for German cars and fancy watches, and it certainly doesn't pay for the mortgage on my house or the 30 packages a day Mrs. SGIA has delivered to our doorstep from Amazon Prime. We should be getting a drone assigned exclusively to our house any day now.
If I miss a post every now and then it's not due to some carefully planned conspiracy to deprive you of your right to screw around at work or escape your kids after a long day. There aren't guys in straw fedoras and black and white suits lurking behind the Grassy Knoll in an effort to prevent you from successfully reading my blog each week.
If I happen not to post it's due to an inability to post rather than a desire to not post. Please forgive me. If that's still not good enough to prevent you from dropping negative comments or sending me emails about what a shitty person I am, then please, find another blog. You're getting all I can give here.
Thanks for listening. Now the fun stuff. Let's get to it.
As the long-time readers know, I'm usually better at this when I'm sufficiently edgy. Today is one of those days. Let's see what happens.
First off Chad from Dallas is an idiot. Even in Dallas this guy still stands out amongst even the most egregious idiots. He's like the Michael Jordan of idiots: He can be contained but he cannot be stopped.
I think the words "Meathead" and "Douchebag" were thrown around by his peers like meaningless compliments at a rooftop, post-group date cocktail party last night. I suppose those are sufficiently accurate descriptions of his behavior. However, I think it goes beyond that.
Any guy who does shirtless chin ups on a pergola with his supplement-filled suitcase chained to his waist in front of the cameras is a rare breed indeed. The irony is that he continually accused the other guys of being fake and disingenuous over the course of the episode. If that's the real you, Chad, please get some help. If his ego were any more inflated you could stencil the word "Hindenburg" on his side. If I had to hazard a guess I'd bet that Chad will share a similar fate as the bloated hydrogen dirigible, but he'll stick around long enough to serve as a catalyst to the meltdown of a few guys before burning himself out.
I found it telling that his work history includes car and real estate sales. Sounds about right. The sad thing is that there are a lot of you reading this who find that guy appealing because you A.) like his confidence, and B.) think that if you could date him you could change him. Poor decisions aside, take my advice and don't ever date a "Chad."
I think the words "Meathead" and "Douchebag" were thrown around by his peers like meaningless compliments at a rooftop, post-group date cocktail party last night. I suppose those are sufficiently accurate descriptions of his behavior. However, I think it goes beyond that.
Any guy who does shirtless chin ups on a pergola with his supplement-filled suitcase chained to his waist in front of the cameras is a rare breed indeed. The irony is that he continually accused the other guys of being fake and disingenuous over the course of the episode. If that's the real you, Chad, please get some help. If his ego were any more inflated you could stencil the word "Hindenburg" on his side. If I had to hazard a guess I'd bet that Chad will share a similar fate as the bloated hydrogen dirigible, but he'll stick around long enough to serve as a catalyst to the meltdown of a few guys before burning himself out.
I found it telling that his work history includes car and real estate sales. Sounds about right. The sad thing is that there are a lot of you reading this who find that guy appealing because you A.) like his confidence, and B.) think that if you could date him you could change him. Poor decisions aside, take my advice and don't ever date a "Chad."
Fire Fighter Date.
I found it odd that Grant was invited on the fire fighter date. It's too bad they didn't have a Luxury Real Estate Salesman date. Chad would have had an opportunity to shine beyond an impromptu set of pergola pull-ups while weighted down by his supplement-filled suitcase.
Wells is a pu**y and he admits it. I thought it said a lot about him that he kept his head down and tried to compete despite being so far out of his element that he knew he didn't have a chance. It reminded me of that challenge on Bachelor Pad when resident dunce Lacy had to think her way through a puzzle. Bless both of their hearts.
Wells knew he was physically outclassed, but he used it to his benefit. All he has to do now is ditch the morning beanie and he has a legit shot at the crown assuming JoJo can see past Chad's pecs.
I found it odd that Grant was invited on the fire fighter date. It's too bad they didn't have a Luxury Real Estate Salesman date. Chad would have had an opportunity to shine beyond an impromptu set of pergola pull-ups while weighted down by his supplement-filled suitcase.
Wells is a pu**y and he admits it. I thought it said a lot about him that he kept his head down and tried to compete despite being so far out of his element that he knew he didn't have a chance. It reminded me of that challenge on Bachelor Pad when resident dunce Lacy had to think her way through a puzzle. Bless both of their hearts.
Wells knew he was physically outclassed, but he used it to his benefit. All he has to do now is ditch the morning beanie and he has a legit shot at the crown assuming JoJo can see past Chad's pecs.
Chad's alpha male antics hiding his deep seeded insecurity (and probable homosexual panic) were unwatchable up until the shirtless, poolside sing along featuring all of the other dudes singing custom-made JoJo-based lyrics written by James Taylor (the curly-haired chucklehead one, not the Fire and Rain used to be married to Carly Simon one). At that point I started to agree with
Chad. Hell, at that point I hoped he'd do more supplement suitcase pull ups.
Luke,
Grant, Wells (as if he wasn't already exhausted from his heat exhaustion) are the special selections in the fireman challenge to win extra time with JoJo.
They put her in a pair of fireman pants, a white skin tight tank top with red suspenders atop a burning tower so the men can and surmount various fire-related obstacles and come to her rescue. The only thing they forgot to do was to hose her down with icy water before putting her atop the tower like a piece of venison for the wolves to hunt.
And just how does this not objectify women?
I'd like some comments in the Comment section about that little scenario. Look, I'm as traditional as the next guy. I open doors for women, Mrs. SGIA always orders first at dinner, and I'd be the first guy give up my seat in any crowded bar, bus, or restaurant if a woman wanted it. That's the way it works where I live and everyone is fine with it. There is, however, something about the whole helpless maiden in distress scenario that bugged me about that date; especially since Wells could have very well been the one who needed actual rescuing. Hell, maybe I'm overthinking it.
Grant wins. Of course he does. He's a fireman. With fire training. And a degree in Fireology, or whatever it's called.
They put her in a pair of fireman pants, a white skin tight tank top with red suspenders atop a burning tower so the men can and surmount various fire-related obstacles and come to her rescue. The only thing they forgot to do was to hose her down with icy water before putting her atop the tower like a piece of venison for the wolves to hunt.
And just how does this not objectify women?
I'd like some comments in the Comment section about that little scenario. Look, I'm as traditional as the next guy. I open doors for women, Mrs. SGIA always orders first at dinner, and I'd be the first guy give up my seat in any crowded bar, bus, or restaurant if a woman wanted it. That's the way it works where I live and everyone is fine with it. There is, however, something about the whole helpless maiden in distress scenario that bugged me about that date; especially since Wells could have very well been the one who needed actual rescuing. Hell, maybe I'm overthinking it.
Grant wins. Of course he does. He's a fireman. With fire training. And a degree in Fireology, or whatever it's called.
Grant
and JoJo have some one on one. She looks
great. I'll say it again, she obviously did the work in the off season.
Ding
Dong Date Card. Brandon reads it whilst looking nihilistic and acting like his Emo Phillips impersonation isn't on purpose. He's about as harmless as a sponge.
“Derek, Love is full of choices. JoJo”.
“Derek, Love is full of choices. JoJo”.
Cocktail Party.
Wells
has one on one and drops that he has a bloodhound named Carl. All in all, solid work for the guy who got Ames-ed on the group date. I like him and think he should go further than he will. He's interesting, humble, and seems to be a real dude amongst a sea of tanning cream, shaved legs, and supplement-filled suitcases. Alas, he's not alpha enough to keep her attention in the fray. He'll stick around but will ultimately be one of those guys we hate to see go home.
Evan has kids. We know that because he says it in a five second clip before they cut away to yet another rant by the protein packing, testosterone test tube named Chad.
The ex-swimmer, Robby, wears a turtle neck and a sport coat. He looked like he just took second in a gin rummy tournament in Miami Beach. Turtle neck and a sport coat? Ok, Captain.
He seems nice enough but is WAY to metrosexual for my taste. Then again, I'm not dating him. JoJo will keep him around until the top 4 or 5. If he's got any game he'll get to the home town. She's used to seeing manicured men like him in and around Dallas.
Evan has kids. We know that because he says it in a five second clip before they cut away to yet another rant by the protein packing, testosterone test tube named Chad.
The ex-swimmer, Robby, wears a turtle neck and a sport coat. He looked like he just took second in a gin rummy tournament in Miami Beach. Turtle neck and a sport coat? Ok, Captain.
He seems nice enough but is WAY to metrosexual for my taste. Then again, I'm not dating him. JoJo will keep him around until the top 4 or 5. If he's got any game he'll get to the home town. She's used to seeing manicured men like him in and around Dallas.
She also likes Luke but I think he’ll fade unless they have some kind of "amazing moment" on a date or something. He's a loner cowboy type and is bound to lose his mystery before the end. Then again, she's into the Texas thing and he's a guy's guy which will play well once Chad implodes.
Date
Rose. Wells gets date rose. Let's be fair, near heat exhaustion should equal a rose. Luke says “Fuss-trated” another time but seemed to acknowledge, at least tacitly, that dehydration and a swollen brain should be worth something. Incidentally, Luke : Fuss-trated as Desiree : Im-poor-ant.
On
on one. The Hipster one ups Wells with an even stupider hat than that Rastafarian thing Wells wore to the morning pow wow. To be fair, I'm not from Nashville. Perhaps the Rastafarian community has a strong foothold amongst the DJ population there.
Derek dons softball shirt nearly identical to the one he wore in his head shot save for the fact that the color scheme was the opposite. Someone went to Old Navy's seasonal clearance sale and got one hell of a 3 of 1 deal on those shirts before leaving for California. I can't wait to see the third one in the bunch.
Derek dons softball shirt nearly identical to the one he wore in his head shot save for the fact that the color scheme was the opposite. Someone went to Old Navy's seasonal clearance sale and got one hell of a 3 of 1 deal on those shirts before leaving for California. I can't wait to see the third one in the bunch.
The date was uneventful. Private jet to San Fran and some innocuous relationship conversation at dinner. He wouldn't have gotten that date if she wasn't interested, but I didn't see a lot of chemistry but he got a Date Rose.
More
singing back and the mansion. Apparently, Chucklehead Taylor wasn't satisfied with one stanza about JoJo. Daniel and Chad have a macho
black tank top chat which includes a lot of underlying gay tension and protein shake
metaphors. So weird.
Third
date.
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, James Chucklehead Taylor, Alex, Chad, “Prove your love to me and the nation.”
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, James Chucklehead Taylor, Alex, Chad, “Prove your love to me and the nation.”
ESPN
headquarters. Alex drops “super douche”
on Chad and Chad continues to brutalize Alex about his lack of height. JoJo arrives in lack knee boots with the black
pants and lacy top. She looked like Jack Sparrow with less eye liner.
The Sports
Nation talk show hosts oversee a seriously dumb series of challenges. I couldn't even watch it. Chad ramps up the assholish conduct and drops a "Naggy" on JoJo to a chorus of Oohs and Aahs from the dudes.
By the way, why would all of them feel the need to act like the Real Housewives of (Insert Name of Major City) and incessantly complain about it before "confronting" Chad about his bad behavior? Why not just leave it alone and let him hang himself with JoJo?
By the way, why would all of them feel the need to act like the Real Housewives of (Insert Name of Major City) and incessantly complain about it before "confronting" Chad about his bad behavior? Why not just leave it alone and let him hang himself with JoJo?
James Taylor inexplicably wins the big Power Ranking Challenge and gets a rose.
Cocktail
party at The Houdini Estate.
James
Taylor continues to play his one note and drops a weird napkin written poem on JoJo. He gets a kiss less romantic the the last one his grandmother gave him. She wasn't impressed.
Chad continues to tear apart all the guys . . . and all of the free red meat he can put his hands on. He’s right
about most of it, honestly, but he has to pull back on the macho Alpha Male
behavior and stop referring to himself as "A Man". We all know that he's either super insecure beneath the Tarzan act or he's afflicted with an actual diagnosable psychological disorder.
JoJo seemingly handles the knuckle dragging well. It's difficult to tell if she's on to it and just riding it out for the sake of private jet dates with guys she's actually interested in or if she's buying it a bit. Time will tell, I suppose. Based on her hometown
last season she’s used to the alpha male controlling bullshit.
The Date
Rose goes to James Taylor. Pretty cool, James. You've Got a Friend.
Cocktail
Party. She shows up in sparkles and Chad is waiting with wine and a tie matching her dress. Coincidence? Do we even need to ask that question?
It's apparently gray suit night at the mansion. This season's gray suit is last season's colorful socks and deep V t-shirt.
It's apparently gray suit night at the mansion. This season's gray suit is last season's colorful socks and deep V t-shirt.
Vinny
remained sober, which was nice.
"Blizzarding" is apparently a verb. In an inexplicable moment, Chase gets JoJo mittens and "makes it snow." Poor Guy. He's clearly taking it where he can get it. He seems like the most normal dude in the house and my guess is that he'll rally in the next few shows. Playing it semi-safe while the idiots sword fight it out with the self-proclaimed alpha male has worked in the past.
In another bizarre moment, JoJo and Will TP the house. Not to be outdone, Christian strips down to his Jockey shorts and invites JoJo to take a bath with him. Classy move. She looked horrified.
Chad
successfully stirs the pot. At this point I was so over it I almost turned off the show. Almost.
The other dudes, spurred on by the diminutive yet stocky Alex pull a Real Housewives-esque confrontation leaving Chad unscathed. This idiot will stick around until he's no longer useful or he melts down enough to get kicked to the curb by the producers. Either way, his days are limited.
Harrison
shows up, dings the thingy, and the roses are dispersed.
Roses.
1. Wells
2. Derek
3. James Taylor
4. Alex
5. Christian
6. Robby and his bowtie
7. Luke
8. Chase
9. Jordan
10. Grant
11. Ali
12. Daniel
13. James F.
14. Nick
15. Vinny
16. Evan
17. Chad
Gone.
Will
James
S.
Brandon
At least we didn't have to see any more of this guy. He's probably off being a "pilot".
At least we didn't have to see any more of this guy. He's probably off being a "pilot".
