Bachelor Chris Episode 3: Come Roll My Cob

Amazing Count 69

Journey Count 16

Hello, Readers.  Welcome to week three of The Bachelor.  Prince Farming continues to sow his oats (or corn) in preparation for the big harvest.  It’s also apparent that loves to lose his shirt in the process.  That’s fine if  he's in shape but not if he looks like this:



WHOOOOO, LIVES IN A MANSION UNDER THE SEA?

The only person more annoyed than me this week was Harrison who stood there barely masking his impatience with the always condescending Jimmy Kimmel as Kimmel took to mocking Harrison’s hosting duties in addition to dropping every predictable sexual innuendo any of us could have written up and placed in his unoriginal “Amazing Jar” before the show.  He even offered to sleep with all of the women and report back to Chris.  That’s the worst bomb he’s laid since Sarah Silverman.   

Kimmel is no Me.  

Let me just get the Kimmel stuff out of the way before it also ruins my recap.  My opinion of Jimmy Kimmel was reinforced last night.  I’ve always seen him as a condescending know-it-all who doesn’t know when a good joke ends.  

He had some good one-liners last night, but he also came across as crass and cliché . . . and far more svelte than our Bachelor.  In his defense, I think he is a legitimate fan of the show.  I just don’t think he belongs on it.  I’m glad that little experiment is over.  I’m sure Harrison is too.  

Let’s recap, shall we?

Harrison feigns excitement and introduces Jimmy Kimmel to the ladies after Jimmy makes a “surprise” wake up call at Chris’s repurposed wood cabin.  Dressed like Jason Statham in The Transporter—now there’s a guy, even to an avowed heterosexual like me, who looks great with his shirt off—Jimmy proceeds to overtly sexually harass the women as they giggle ignorantly like a bunch of school girls.   So much for “taking this seriously.”  Becca drops “super awesome” and Kimmel drops the Date Card. 

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club . . . “.  Speculation abounds in between everyone except the camera crew dropping “Jimmy Kimmel” into their sentences.

Kaitlyn and Chris hop a limo to Costco after some champagne and they discuss how refreshing it is to have a “normal” day.  Normal.  Right.  I take my limo to Costco all the time.  Please.  Whose chauffeur doesn't know that Sam's Club has better parking and deeper discounts than Costco?  Don't "normal" me, hayseed.      

 

ABC apparently had some promotional favors to deliver on this episode.  I suppose going to Costco beats donning a helmet with a GoPro mounted to it in order to film our contestants being unwittingly forced into addressing their deepest childhood fear or recreating the feat that killed a loved one.  Remember when Jake cried like a p*ssy when he had to bungee jump or when they made Emily jump on a private jet before driving around a NASCAR track?   

Kaitlyn has a flannel Brawny Man paper towel shirt thrown over her little sister’s tube top.  I found it odd that she wore it the entire show but upon further inspection, it was clear that she couldn’t get it off.  Maybe it was a subtle hint at the farmer's tan look in an attempt to attract Chris.  That shirt was so small Jillian couldn’t have worn it for shorts. 

Chris pretends like he’s having fun after Fleiss threatens several of the Hispanic Costco shelf stockers with a call to Immigration and Naturalization unless they enlist their children to push Chris and Kaitlyn around in a blue, giant, rubber ball.  I found that odd.  I’d imagine when Kaitlyn is mentioned in the same sentence as the words Rubber and Ball that the word Blue isn’t even close to it. 

I know, I know.  I’m a hypocrite because that’s something that Kimmel would say.  The difference is that he would say it directly to Kaitlyn’s face in front of millions of viewers.  At least I have the decency to keep it anonymous and online. 

It’s usually at this point in the season that the “Metaphor Date” occurs.  I was waiting for them to squeeze out of that ball head-first and compare it to their relationship being born.  Then I realized that if they did that one of them would have to be the metaphoric after birth and that just wouldn't be a good metaphor.  They head home to grill some steaks.  

Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy a glass of bourbon as they both pretend to enjoy the taste of bourbon.  The word “crazy” gets dropped 100 times as does the word “normal.”  Look, Ashley S. may be able to put those two words together but for the rest of us it’s either crazy or normal.  It can’t be both.  And since when is sitting around a repurposed cabin grilling steaks “crazy”?

Jimmy arrives for dinner and proceeds to ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about Chris sleeping with all of the women in the Fantasy Suite.  Fake laughter abounds as Chris sweats into his whiskey glass.  Kaitlyn virtually guaranteed herself a spot by letting Jimmy know that Chris has a couple free passes if she makes it that far.  She appeared to mean it too. 

I don’t know if that was the whiskey talking or if she knew what he was trying to do.  Regardless, she proved herself to be the best sport in the house.  She earned the Date Rose.  Can you imagine if one of the Ashleys had been on that date?  Kimmel would be picking a pieces of a smashed Waterford whiskey glass out of his skull or he’d have been eye-lashed to death.   

What do you mean, sleep with other women?  

Ashley S. was noticeably quiet this week.  It's incredible what a difference a Xanex, a Lexapro, a Valium, and abstaining from chardonnay makes.  Like our friend Alex in that picture above, she'll be back, I'm afraid.   

Group Date Card.

Becca reads it.  I still think she’s hot, but she’s come across as a bit boring.  More about her later. 

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Trina, Kelsie, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly, Tracy.  “Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”

Sigh.  Jillian works out.  Mystery solved.  The reason why she wears so little material around her Hoo-Ha is because she needed the extra luggage space for all of her workout equipment.  Man, I’ve tried to be nice, but she needs a talking to.  The issue clearly goes beyond a hatchet job in the editing booth.  

Kelsie drops “child-sized shorts” on Jillian and I laughed before realizing that there was no other viable way to describe them.  She’s like that old French guy in the Speedo bathing suit that wanders too close to your blanket at the beach.      

By the way, I pray that I'm just like that guy when I reach his age.  Props to him on the matching socks too.  They really tie the outfit together.  

The girls show up for the “Hoedown Throwdown” which consists of being sexually propositioned by Jimmy Kimmel before corn shucking, egg hunting, goat milking, manure shoveling, and pig wrestling.  Honestly, the entire thing is a metaphor for courtship in the Midwest minus a trip to Dairy Queen.   

Carly is apparently allergic to goat milk.   I guess “Goat Milk” was one of the things on the scratch test she took as a child when she went to the allergist.  How else to you find that out?  Her goat milking demonstration was interesting, however. 

Amber drops “salty and warm and not something I like in my mouth” before also referring to the goat milk as “protein.”  Subtle.  They can let that air but can’t show Jillian’s (allegedly) hairy butt cheeks?  Come on.  Selective enforcement of any rule hollows out the rule.    

Carly wins the big race despite Jillian and her (allegedly) hairy ass trying to muscle her out of the pig wrasslin’ contest.  Carly gets a meaningless ribbon from Jimmy Kimmel, and an  American Gothic photo shoot that mocks the farmer and everyone who is not an annoying talk show host from Los Angeles.  Humiliating.      

Cocktail party. 

I’ll cut this one short.  He had his tongue down everyone’s throat but Harrison’s and Mackenzie showed her age by complaining about it.  He kissed more girls than Jillian did arm curls with her rubber band handle thing this week.  He handled the “why are you kissing everyone else too” inquiry like thrown feces from a chimp at the zoo. 

Why is he kissing everyone?  Because he’s The Bachelor, b*tch, and that’s what The Bachelor does.  That’s like asking Piers Morgan why he’s an a-hole or Little Ricki Hendrix why she’s so darn adorable.  Certain things just “are,” Mackenzie.  Granted, you were in 4^th grade last season, but do your research.  Your kid must nap a few times a day.   Use the time wisely.    

Mackenzie sufficiently stirs the pot enough to make all of the other rabid chimpanzees upset about the kissing and the telling.  Watching that was like reading The Origin of Species in reverse.

Why is he kissing all of us?  Throw feces at him.

Becca gets the most creative award by leading with her statement necklace instead of her tongue and choosing a memorable chat instead of a sucked face.  She seemed cool, albeit dull, but had quality time.  I still like her down the road, but she might go the same route as the hot teacher.  She got the date rose and didn’t contract mono in the process.  Nice work, Becca. 

Knock Knock. 

“Dear Whitney,  Today is going to be fun…No Whining.” 

To say that this season’s date cards lack the panache of past seasons is like saying Jillian’s shorts lack material.  Either Chris can’t be funny or the ABC intern with the Associates Degree in English Literature from Tallahassee State Junior College in charge of punning them up left for greener pastures.     

Whitney dons a statement necklace and denim vest.  I’ve said this before, she is NOT my type.  I find her stiff and unattractive.  If she was a piece of furniture she’d be the particle board book shelf with the cardboard back I got at Michael's and had all through college. 

Chris introduces us to the Iowa colloquialism “roll the cob,” which apparently means she can fake like she’s adventurous.  I’ll spare you the pain of reliving the fake “wedding crash.”  They should make a movie about two people who crash a wedding . . . oh wait. 

We find out that Whitney keeps her “bouquet stats” and is apparently uninteresting enough to blend into a crowd of strangers.  Run, Chris.  She jumped for that bouquet like Dennis Rodman in the NBA finals.  There’s nothing spontaneous about her.  Pack up your cob and get out of there while you still can.  

We assume ABC paid the caterer the $178 per person cost of the reception plus the open bar fee and 9 bucks for the rose Chris stole from the floral arrangement.  She got the Date Rose.  She’ll be very confused when she’s sent home.   Denial will flow like a river in Egypt. 

Pool Party. 

That apparently means everyone has to retreat to a corner of the mansion to cake on eye makeup before Chris arrives to “impress” them with his cannonballs.   He jumped in the pool and made a splash too. 

Ashley I. laments the fact that she couldn’t do her “Kardashian look”.  Whatever.  It’s almost impossible to not get me started on the Kardashian family once I hear the name.  Let me limit my vitriol to a sentence or two.  First, the whole family makes me sick.  Poor Bruce Jenner.  No wonder he just wants to be left alone to become a woman.  There is not a more vapid bunch of narcissistic, talentless, attention-seeking hacks than that family.  Ashley I. would do better to work on her own identity and stop trying to emulate a family who biggest contribution to our culture is the size of its asses.  They’re basically the Zsa Zsa Gabors and Pia Zadoras of the 21^st Century . . . with less to offer.  Moving on.  

Samantha the screen filler and Juelia chat.  Samantha is really pretty, but like the hot teacher, has said all of two words between “of course I wills” this season.  Juelia interrupts the pool party to drop the inevitable suicide chat on Chris.  Look, that’s awful but man, was that a buzz kill.  Also, why should she have to relive that on air?  Uncool . . . all 45 minutes of it. 

Speaking of buzz kills, why doesn’t Chris doesn’t get any Suave commercials like Des did?  Seems a bit sexist to me if you ask.  Even Juan Pablo mixed in a spot or two and that guy can’t even speak English.    

Britt and her messy bun check in for a make out session with a shirtless Chris.    You know, for good measure.  She’s holding it together fairly well, but the cracks are showing.   

Jade.  It’s not time for an SGIA “I told you so” yet, but we got a little closer this week, didn’t we?  Frankly, she was a lot dirtier than I’d pegged her, but I’ll chalk that up to the “test the bed” instruction she and Chris undoubtedly received off camera. 

Her big pick up line?  “We’re all curious about your place.  I haven’t seen your place.”  Place apparently means Genitals in this scenario and We apparently means me and my boobs.  She takes him away in her bikini, coverup, and off white Stilettos.  Note to women:  Nice dudes don’t like giant heels with a swimsuit.  You’re not filming a rap video and you’re not auditioning for the Rockettes.  And Jillian, listen up.  This applies to your shorts too. 

Stilettos and a bikini is the equivalent to a dude showing up in a silk shirt unbuttoned to expose his giant gold medallion and hairy chest.  Subtlety is hotter than a blatant advertisement.  Tasteful trumps tacky every day of the week.  

Ironically, that’s one reason I liked Jade in the first place.  She was confident but not aggressive and she wore a minimal amount of makeup.  Painting yourself up like an Indian going into battle may work in LA or New Jersey but it doesn’t work in Iowa.  More often than not, less is more.  If you want me to hear what you're saying, don't distract me with giant fake eyelashes or shorts tiny enough to double as a belt.  

Poor Jillian is forced to wait in his hot tub as Jade perfectly plays the shy and unassuming card in Chris’s repurposed cabin. Porno music inside, crickets outside.  I’ll give the producers credit for the editing.  Solid work.  I thought they were setting poor Jillian up for some much-needed character rehabilitation in light of the ubiquitous black box around her Hoo-Ha over the last two weeks.  Perhaps they were, but she ruined it.    

Jillian, put down your guard for a second and listen to me.  I mean you well. 

Butchy, aggressive mannerisms, in-your-face comments, and blatant territorial behavior are not attractive to men.  We get it all the time . . . from other men.  Men don’t always have to win and we don’t ever feel the need to compete with a woman physically.  We will also notice a beautiful body even if it’s not fully on display.  That’s how we’re wired.  You don’t need to show the ants where the sugar is.  They find it anyway.  Put a lid that fits on your sugar caddy. 

Also, it’s possible to be athletic, assertive, confident, and attractive without reminding us that you’re athletic, assertive, confident, and attractive.  In fact, we prefer it that way.  And yes, it’s also possible to be feminine without being girly.  Knock off the Crossfit act (or get over it), buy some pants that fit, and BE YOURSELF.   Lecture over.

Ashley I. gets upset.   “It’s a good thing her hymen is in tact,” I said to Mrs. SGIA.  She laughed, but would never admit that she did.  Chris lost another shirt and Ashley I. just about cried herself out of a Rose before almost plunging to her death by making another very odd kissing move.  Must be a virgin thing.    

Rose Ceremony.

1.              Kaitlyn (solid, but still the "funny girl")

2.              Becca (top 3 but losing me.  she had a good week)

3.              Jade (top 3 and gaining steam)

4.              Samantha (still a mystery)

5.              Juelia (he couldn't dump her after that story)

6.              Mackenzie (way too young.  Gone soon)

7.              Kelsie (she'll get a date but will go home soon)

8.              Britt (in a holding pattern.)

9.              Megan (as dumb as she is lucky to still be around)

10.            Carly (solid week.  good personality)

11.            Ashley S. (she needed an off week)

12.            Nikki (another innocuous mute.  it's working)

13.            Jillian (I'm rooting for you.  Rally.)

14.            Ashley I. (nut job.)

Gone Girl.

Tracy—I’m bummed out.  Would have like to have seen some personality.  I thought she was one of the prettiest.  She kept her reputation in tact, though.  That’s best thing for a 4^th grade teacher. 

Amber—meh.  She was nice.

Trina—She’s basically Whitney with worse hair and darker roots.  

Well, there it is.  We’re Kimmel-less next week and I couldn’t be happier about that.  We're also getting down to eliminations of some of the not-so-obvious ones, but we still have enough breathing room for a week or so.  It will be nice to see an unencumbered Harrison back at full strength next week as well.  Take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be making out with everyone I see while looking for my shirt.  DP