Bachelor Chris Episode 1: Iowanna Be a Housewife

Hello, Readers.  Boom! We're off.  It's been a busy few months for Some Guy but I did manage some much needed (and earned) R&R in addition to  recharging my blogging batteries.  Let's hope you reap the benefits this season.  

It's good to be back.  

Alright, let's just jump right in.  First of all, I always disclaim this post as one of my worst.  The million moving parts, frustrating lack of familiarity with the cast members, and the soul-numbing 3 hour redundancy parade that comprise this episode make it tough to write about.  Nonetheless, I'll try.  

The "red carpet" event was a horrible idea.  Harrison looked about as comfortable as a bastard on Father's Day and the interviews were the equivalent of an impromptu rectal exam after a giant cup of black coffee.  Harrison has to be tired of being overpaid for no reason.  

We learned that Catherine has been enjoying the Dallas restaurant scene . . . particularly the Sizzler all you can eat buffet.  Cruel?  Maybe.  True?  You bet it is.  It looked like she'd suffered a bee sting.  Sean is still pink and can't grow a beard.  The more-than-uncomfortable "when are you having a kid now that you two are screwing" line of questioning ran about 10 questions past awkward.  

We learned that all 35 of Josh's incisors are still white as Andi talked . . . and talked . . . and talked while simultaneously attempting to mask the imminent (and frankly obvious) break up announcement behind her smokey eyes.  Like her love for Josh, that ship has sailed.  She and Josh were as insincere as they were self-involved.  Fifty bucks it's over inside of 3 weeks.  

We also learned (via force feeding) that ABC has the power to pay 50 people to show up and act excited at the sight of every former contestant and current hanger on from the show's past.  Apparently, Chris Bukowski got over his "feud" with the show.  Whatever.  

Finally, we confirmed that Marcus is still p*ssywhipped and Lacy is still as smart as a bag of hammers.  80-40 isn't a set of odds, it's her IQ range.  The dress was awful too.   

For the first time in any Bachelor season, I found myself praying for a shirtless bachelor running on the beach and brooding in the sunset before showering in anticipation of beginning his "journey." My prayer was (predictably) answered.

Apparently, the mansion this season is undergoing some significant remodeling.  In fact, it doesn't even have an indoor shower.  The house was replete with repurposed wood laid out in fancy geometric patterns, rustic sheet metal stars, and various Southwestern themed area rugs and Moroccan poufs.   If I'm honest, it was a cow skin rug or two shy of looking exactly like my living room.  Mrs. Some Guy let out a delightful "seeeeeee....?", thrilled with ABC's validation of her decorating taste.  "I'll bet they spend less money at Restoration Hardware than you do," was my response.   

Incidentally, you know what we used to call "repurposed" wood?  Trash.  It's amazing what semantics can do for the life of weathered junk.  And since when did the Moroccans corner the market on pouf technology?  Are there any other countries with prodigious poof propensities?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.  Annnyyyyhhoooo . . .     

As always, any attempt to chronologically recap this episode will end up being more confusing than Juan Pablo's attempt at English.  Instead, I'll rehash each woman's appearance and let you know who made the harvest and who got turned into hay.  I'll also share my Top 5.  Let's get to it.  

Our "lucky" Bachelor gets a harem of 30 choices this season.  Let's see how they stacked up.  

Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant with a predictable (and horribly staged) stewardess presentation in her solo bio lead in segment thingy.  She's less attractive than her head shot.  She did enough to not get eliminated and ended up fairly high on the rose distribution chart.  I attribute that more to her brunette-ness than anything I saw in her personality.  She did drop "this is much harder than I thought" during the cocktail party when the second round of limos arrived.  Odd.  Usually, that phrase is reserved for the Fantasy Suite.  

Amanda, 24, Ballet Instructor who's head shot should be filed under "False Advertising" in the dictionary.  She lives with her mom, doesn't cook, and doesn't pay bills.  She also characterized Chris' smile as "a panty dropper."  You have to love a real Lady, don't you?  Hard to believe no hard working man has snatched her up yet.  She was wild-eyed and unstable the entire night and absolutely clueless when it came to small talk.  I looked down at my phone during the show and I had a new Twitter follower during her tirade.  Apparently @AmandasEyes has a Twitter page.  You people are Brutal.  The good news is they like me.  No Rose.  

Amber, 29, Bartender.  I'd love to say something clever about her, but she's not memorable to me.  She looked pretty and seemed . . . well, normal.  Go figure.  She was patient, pleasant, and artfully strayed far away from the alcohol-induced territorial bitch match.  With all that going for her she's sure to be eliminated next week.  Rose.  

Ashley I., 26, Nanny and (alleged) virgin.  That's Ashley I., as in "I wear too much mascara."  She's extremely attractive if you can look past the Everest of make up she wears.  She came across as perky and sweet but based on the previews the "I'm saving myself for an Iowa farmer" mantra is going to get really old.  She should head to the Learning Channel and hang out with the 19 kids of those two weirdos if she wants to remain chaste.  This is the Bachelor, for crying out loud.  Incidentally, I have a close friend who dated an extremely Catholic girl for years who swore she would remain a virgin until marriage.  Years after their break up he confessed that semantics played a huge part in her snowy white status.  Without going into too much detail let's just say that it was a real pain in the ass for her to remain virginal.   Ashely got a rose.  

Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist.  She didn't do a whole lot to squash the "all hairdressers are nuts" stereotype, did she?  She's one awkward tryst in the ocean from being Clare's clone.  She got the Producer's "you have to keep her around because she's crazy" Rose.  She can peel back all of the layers of onion skin she wants, irrational and unstable is irrational and unstable.  She should keep it interesting as long as they keep her away from her scissors.      

Becca, 26, Chiropractic Assistant.  Top 3.  Easy.  I picked her for most attractive head shot and it proved to be correct.  He liked her.  It was written all over his one-lipped face.  There's bound to be a chiropractor in Arlington, Iowa she can assist.  If not, there's an opportunity to be a housewife.  She's going to forego the foreplay and head to the Fantasy Suite.  Rose.  Easy decision.      

Bo, 25, Plus-sized Model who dwarfed Harrison at the Rose Ceremony.  She seemed a little giggly and unsure of herself.  Shame.  She would have fit in well amongst the Iowa dating pool.  No Rose.    

Britt, 27, Waitress with a penchant for helping kids and enjoying contemporary authors.  She's a size zero who earned the First Impression Rose with her "I'd love to move to Iowa" act.  He bought it . . . big time.  She (allegedly) had no sex in her past relationship.   That may be true but he should ask her about all the guys she slept with whom she was not in a relationship.  You know, just to clarify.  She's a top 5 for sure but it wouldn't surprise me if the dreaded "Not here for the Right Reasons" accusation follows her around now that she's got a target on her back.  We all know that, like the Heisman Trophy, the FIR is more of a curse than a blessing.  Solid showing, however.      

Brittany, 26, WWE Diva in Training.  Her dress looked like it was made to fit her from a lacy tablecloth and then washed in hot water.  The matching wrist things admittedly tied the ensemble together but it looked like something Wonder Woman would wear under her superhero outfit.  She seemed nice enough, but left him with little choice but to drop kick her over the top rope.  No rose.     

Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer.  Worst intro ever.  I find her uninteresting and only semi-attractive.  Chris will too. She got the "your the least worst" Rose.  My favorite part about her is when she was singing that ridiculous, humiliating song on her karaoke machine, I said to Mrs. SGIA, "look, she's from Dallas, like you."  She immediately replied, "ARLINGTON . . . HUGE difference, " indignantly as I laughed into my Lone Star.   

Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer.  Low key appearance and a pretty uneventful cocktail party.  HOWEVER, she's my pick to go Top 2, if not win it all provided she's not the Corinthian Woman who crashes Chris' bachelor tent in Arizona this season.  How do I know?  Trust me, I just know.  If she doesn't derail her own train, she and her caboose are Fantasy Suite bound.  She got a rose.  If she loses she can supplement her income by selling Ashley I. mascara.         

Jillian, 28, News Producer.  Sigh.  Jillian.  Cross-fit, obsessed and in shape is attractive but no guy wants how many pull ups you can do rammed down his throat in the absence of real conversation.  She's attractive and more together than the majority of her competition.  Making it all about Cross-fit is a bad move.  Hopefully, she can rally and just be her non-Cross-fit self.  That reminds me of the old saying, "If a person doing cross fit is alone in the gym and gets injured can anyone hear her talk about cross fit?"  It's the Amway of the 21st Century.   Cross-fit is the opposite of Fight Club . . . all you do is talk about it.  Stay Gold, Jillian.  Stay Gold.   

Jordan, 24, Student. Rose, but the only thing I remember about her is that her head shot looks like a younger version of Tandra's head shot.  She also went 1/3 in on Tara's bottle of whiskey but managed to stay sober enough to power through the Rose Ceremony.  On night one, that's not a bad thing.  Under the radar is often the most effective way to launch an attack.   

Juelia, 30, Esthetician.  Unlike Alissa, Juelia looked much better than her head shot.  She got pretty desperate toward the end when it appeared her rose chances were waning.  She may be the stealth bomber of this season.  You know, the seemingly emotionally stable girl who has it all together until she cracks like clay pottery in a drought and crumbles into a pile of rubble.  Frankly, that's scarier than nut jobs like Ashley S. who scream crazy like a locomotive from miles down the tracks.  Sheu goute a Rouese.  

Kaitlyn, 30, Foul-Mouthed Dance Instructor.  I was a little cold on her based on her bio and head shot.  After she dropped "you're a farmer, you can plow the f*ck out of my field any time" and the age old tight seal joke out of the gate I decided I love her.  Sure she's dirty but she's the good kind of dirty and she's one of the few women who didn't take anything seriously, including herself.  There's a fine line between delightfully tacky and patently offensive.  She toed that line nicely.  She got a rose.  I say she's a Top 5.  

Kara, 25, High School Soccer Coach.  The first one out of the Rose Ceremony is always the first one to embarrass herself on camera.  She was no exception.  Bitter and determined to prove a point may work on the soccer field but it doesn't translate well at dawn in front of the mansion.  She looks like Trisha Yearwood.  No Rose.    

Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor.  She's from Austin, Texas.  We were wondering who had the awful story this season.  We quickly learned that she's been a widow for a year and a half but has bravely decided to venture back into the dating world by going on The Bachelor.  That's like almost drowning and then getting back  into the water by doing a low altitude helo jump into the Pacific Ocean.  Her bio included some shots of Zilker Park, Lady Bird Lake, and the Town Lake Hike and Bike Trail here in Austin.  I can't separate her from home.  She appears to have a Tierra-esque ambulance incident later in the season.  Perhaps she gets hurt arm wrestling Jillian.  She got a rose.   

Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor.  She got booted and then went back in for more punishment.  Apparently, she wants to Na-ma-stay around for a while.  She wasn't unattractive and seemed pretty together even when she waltzed back in on the post-Rose Ceremony toast, but she should let downward facing dogs lie.  No Rose . . . yet.  

Mackenzie, TWENTY-ONE, Dental Assistant.  Was it me or did she look like she just woke up after passing out in the back of a taxi cab for most of the show?  She has a son named Kale.  The good news is that if she doesn't go any further than the first round, she can dry her son out, cut him up into chips, and sell him for 9 dollars a bag at Whole Foods.  That's a little Austin humor for you, folks.  She's a 21 year old mother of a 2 year old.  She might be the only one who needs to marry and move to Iowa to be a housewife.  She needs to get a new training bra and spend a little more time in hair and makeup if she wants to impress Chris.  At her age, she's raw meat for the aging lionesses.    

Megan, 24, Make-up Artist and resident dunce from Nashville who didn't get Kaitlyn's tight seal joke.  She's about as alert as a piece of furniture.  As impossible as it sounds, she made Lacy look clever.  Her entire vocabulary consisted of the words "crazy, awesome, and amazing."  It's too bad boobs aren't brains, Megan.  Then again, on this show a good set of the former will often get you a lot further than the latter.  Rose.    

Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator who I thought would do better.  My only note says, "unfortunate dress."  When it comes to my notes, less is definitely not more.  Great head shot.  Too bad she had nothing between the ears.  No rose.    

Nicole, 31, Real Estate Agent.  She's basically Kelly with two good eyes.  The fake pig nose stunt on a guy from Iowa is the same thing as wearing an Elvis wig for a guy from Tennessee.  It was predictable---as was her invitation home.  No Rose.   
  

Nikki, 26, Former NY Jets Cheerleader.  She's basically Snooki if Snooki never took a drink.  Meh.  She got a rose but still reminds me of Snooki.  She dropped the "I'm a former cheerleader" a little too early in the conversation for my comfort but didn't do much else to ruin her chances.  She's either blissfully ignorant, overly confident, or she's actually smart enough to realize that the odds of going home at the first cocktail party are the lowest they'll be all season--a cold, hard, mathematical fact that was smothered under the cattiness of the first 15 women.   

Reegan, 28, Cadaver Tissue Salesperson and Sandra Bullock look alike.  The bloody heart in the Igloo cooler likely belonged to her ex-boyfriend.  History tells us that Type-A medical sales/pharmaceutical sales over-achiever types never do well on these shows.  They lack patience and cannot remain calm in the face of possible rejection. They're too competitive.  That held true for Reegan.  She'll find a man to devour back home.  No Rose.     

Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer.  She looks like the next Kardashian, except she's not disgusting.  She got the third rose after standing in the corner all night.  Chris clearly prefers brunettes and she wouldn't have received the third rose if she didn't tickle his fancy.  Perhaps she's a sleeper but from what I saw, she's relatively boring.  Based on the Iowan women who vouched for Chris in the live segment, there's not much of a Fashion Design market in Arlington, Iowa.  She won't last.    

Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant.  Rode "his" motorcycle in her evening dress.  I can't tell you why, but I like her.  She's blonde, which is out of his range, but seems cool so far.  There's always one who's not "the type" that ends up going far.  She's going to Europe or the tropics or wherever but she won't make it to Iowa.  She got a rose in spite of the hokey name.  

Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast who loves her "stuffed beaver."  Oh boy.  Her appearance was EPIC.  He should keep her around until she falls and hits her head on something.  The best line was an extremely bitchy and just as judgey line from one of the Puritans at the cocktail party when she said, "you smell like whiskey."  Solid.  Apparently, "sport fishing" is synonymous with "Rye Liquor" and she's been stuffing her beaver with Jack and water since she can remember.  The best part was her struggling to stay conscious while teetering on the top bleacher in her leopard print heels during the protracted, dawn-inducing rose ceremony.  She's better than that dude Jeff who passed out on Ashley on night one and had to be cabbed back to the hotel.  I hope she sticks around for a long time.  I also hope she refuses to apologize for getting sh*tfaced.   Go Tara, you whiskey swilling enthusiast, you.  

Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher.  Top 5.  Real boobs, naturally pretty, funny, nurturing job, and calmly confident.  She's SGIA's top pick but she won't be Chris' pick.  She got a rose but her undoing will be (ironically) her simplicity and her overt kindness.  Still, she looks great in her Baywatch outfit.  

Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher.  Couldn't stand her.  She's a throw away pick who's head shot is the best part of her personality. I was unimpressed rather then indifferent.  She got a rose.  

Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse who insisted on working the word "inseminate" into every conversation.  If this show were an SAT answer it would be Whitney:Insemination as Jillian:Cross-fit.  We get it, Whitney, you're a fertility nurse.  Relax, lose the pretentious attitude, and be a real person.  Ditch those yellow pumps too.  She doesn't do it for me, but I figured I'd impregnate her with some helpful advice.  Rose.  

Well, there you have it.  With the Journey Count off to an unprecedented first episode high of 10 and the Amazing Count at an equally incredible 25 we head into the next episode.  Bikinis will be as prevalent as tears, I suppose, and I cannot wait to hear the bitching when Harrison drops the first group date card.  

It's going to be a great season, folks.  Follow me on Twitter and in the Comments section below.  Pimp me out to all of your Bachelor loving (and hating) friends as well.  I'll try and deliver a great season.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be stuffing my beaver with whiskey while plowing the f*ck out of my field.  DP