Final Episode Bachelorette Andi: Nick Rules

Hello, Readers.  

Well, well, well, I think we'd all agree on the absolute best moment of this season or any other season. . . EVER. . . was the first hand, on-air confirmation that Andi had indeed been stuffed and pounded like Pollo Rollatino (on TV) by three guys in as many months.  I hate to pile on.  Well, no I don't.  I'm hitting the 1 minute clock and I'm going to type every slut insult I can think of.  You can't argue she hasn't earned it.  

Here we go.  

She's like an on ramp, for crying out loud.  

Staahhhhp, is apparently a word she uses only outside the bedroom.  

Her private parts apparently went public.  

Now that the season is over she's going to have to reintroduce her knees to one another.  

She's given more rides than Greyhound.    

The Statue of Liberty has had fewer men inside of her

She has stretch marks on her cheeks

Instead of a lock they should have installed a credit card reader on the Fantasy Suite door

Andi is not as popular as her vagina is

Andi has taken more loads this season than the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t

"We the People" in the Declaration of Independence doesn't refer to her sex partners

Michelangelo spent less time on his back

AAAANNNDDD Finally . . . .

If this was Star Wars, she'd be cast as Princess Lay-ya


Alright, I'll staaahhhhp.   

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking.  "Nick's an a*shole.  How dare he. . . ".  Whatever.  Frankly, it's nice to see our heretofore virginal Bachelorette face the music.  If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences, Andi.  That's a lesson lost on any member of Andi's generation.  

My only regret is that Nick went with "made love" and didn't use a profane word to describe what really happened in the suite or that he didn't make up some unforgettably crude euphemism to memorialize it. 

Can you imagine?  I, like, just, like (insert boneless neck lean on the couch pillow) can't, like, believe that you, like, let me pork you until the sun came up.

On a side note.  I think it's apparent that Ashley and JP can't use the term "porking."  That's a little mixed marriage humor for you folks.  I'll be here all week.  Annnyyyhoooo....  

OR

Why, like, did you, like book a one way ticket on the beef bus to Tunatown?  

Yea, I'm not messing around this week, am I?  And neither was Nick.  Word on the street is that he hates Josh.  What better way to  vent publicly than with the "I slept with your fiancé" smack?  I'll commend him on his subtle delivery.  I'd commend Josh on not reacting, but I honestly don't think he cared.    

It's the finale and I have to go out with a bang . . . or in Andi's case, three bangs.  Can you imagine if Chris and Marcus would have stuck around?  By the time she got Josh in the Fantasy Suite it would have been like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.  Alright, I'll stop beating a dead cat.    

Ironically, Andi spent most of the last few shows in this position

Some of you have stopped reading in horror, some of you are wiping the tears from your eyes, and some of you are writing these down to use them on your friends later this evening.  You're welcome.   

Let's get to the run down, shall we? 

First, let me comment about my watching party last week with Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray who was a wonderful house guest, by the way.  Granted, she did make off with the guest room soap, but that was well worth her company.  I think she's still ashamed at herself for laughing as hard as she did at some of the inappropriate, unprintable comments that came out of my mouth during the show.  She's probably even more ashamed for (allegedly) making a few of her own.  

By the way, speaking of inappropriate, did anyone find the baseless character assassination of Andrew in light of the fact that there was no objective evidence to substantiate the Douche-a-preneur's accusation of a "racist" comment a new low?  

I didn't find Andrew particularly intriguing but I do believe those accusations are having a profound effect in the real world for him.  In my humble, white guy opinion, ABC's selection of Barry White theme music for Marquel during the Bach in Paradise previews last night was more offensive than what Andrew didn't say on a hot mic.  It appears that Marquel is a pretty popular guy on that cesspool of a show.  Good for that guy.  At least he won't have to wait in line like Josh did.  Boom.   

Moving on. 

I've been "the boyfriend" more times than I care to admit in my life.  I've sent flowers, given rides to the airport, acted like Valentine's Day is a legitimate, meaningful holiday, and even attended a Farmer's Market or two.  Never once have I showed up to meet a girl's parents in a sweat drenched silk shirt unbuttoned to my manhood.  How unimpressed did Hy look?  The look of horror covered up by tight-lipped feigned interest on Andi's Mom's face was priceless.  

"Suddenly this loud man shows up sweating and telling us over and over how hot and nervous he is."  Classic.  The look on ole Hy Dorfman's face when Josh asked for his daughter's hand in marriage didn't exactly scream enthusiasm.  

In fact, with the sound off, it looked more like he was struggling to hold a gas problem after too much beer and pizza.  I'm sure this was running through his head while he was pretending (poorly) to like Josh.

DO JEW MIND EEF I MARRY JOUR DAW-TOOR?  EES OK.

It was apparent that he'd been given "The Talk" by the remaining Dorfman's anxious to drink free milk from the ABC mammary glands.  

I can hear Mrs. Dorfman now. 

"Oh, Hy, he's not Mexican or Dominican Republican or whatever like that Juan Carlos was.  He's from Atlanta.  It's a free trip to Puerto Rico or whatever.  It's not like she's going to marry him.  Ees Ok."  

And so it went.  I can't decide who had the worst wardrobe this season.  Andi always looked like she bought a size 14 because TJ Maxx was out of a size 8 but it's ok because it will totally look cute on, especially if I pair it with shorts that are a few sizes too small.  

Nick looked like he had a secret V-neck and Members Only endorsement locked up before the season and Josh, wow.  Let's talk about Josh's suit.  My best guess is that he got sized for that thing prior to eating, drinking, and lying around luxury hotels for 11 weeks.  My next best guess is that his real suit got lost and he was forced to borrow Harrison's suit.  My third best guess is that he washed that thing in scalding hot water.  Either way, it was a horrible fit.  He should have tried on a couple more before settling on that one.  You know, like Andi did.  

Well, there it is, my brief rundown of a boring season.  As always, I'll sincerely wish the happy new couple the best.  After all, I don't have to live with either one of them and they have to live with each other.  The Atlanta connection is a definite plus, as is the superficiality.  They'll do well for a while.  

Let's see if they stay together long enough for him to knock her up so she can go on next season's Men Tell All and show off her cans like Ashley did.  Did you see those things?  They were bigger than her forehead for crying out loud.  I couldn't tell if she was pregnant or just stealing a couple of hams. 

As for Nick.  Well, he'll do fine in spite of his (understandable) cheap shot.  Lionel Ritchie once said, "no one ever wrote a love song in the back of a limousine."  Well, my friends, I'll submit to you that Lionel Ritchie was never shit canned from the Bachelorette.  

THANK YOU.  ALL of you for being patient and kind this season. My life is busy and hectic and it's always a pleasure to write when I can.  Stay tuned in the off season.  

Thanks to some rabidly loyal and super fancy fans of Lincee and me, I've obtained my very own free copy of Courtney Robertson's book "I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends."  Sure, she didn't write it, but I'm going to read it anyway and write a review.  God help me.  At least there are no lovesick vampires or pouting, buck toothed heroines to worry about.  Thank you Molly, Emily, and Alicia for pulling those strings.  For you fans of The View, tune in on Thursday.  Believe it or not Emily is guest hosting.  Slap that Elizabeth Hasselhoff on the rear end for me, will you?  And tell her I loved her dad on Baywatch.  

A special thanks to my (and Mrs. Some Guy's) dear friend, Lincee Ray.  You're one of the most decent people I've ever met.  That  counts more than you realize.  Congrats on Entertainment Weekly and whatever lies beyond the daily grind you bravely left behind. 

To quote the young boy, Lucius, after he speaks with Maximus in Gladiator, "I like you Spaniard.  I shall cheer for you."

Lucius

Lincee Ray

Take care of yourselves in the off season.  Check in every now and then.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be getting my suit taken in. . . while drinking a Lone Star.  DP