Bachelorette Andi Episode Whatever: Andi is Horny, Not Corny

Well Hello, Readers,

Yea, it's me.  I've decided to carve out a little time post-episode to share my thoughts on Andi's wardrobe, Josh's Mr. Ed teeth, Nick's low key consistency, Chris' blue balls, and Harrison's Bachelor in Paradise Don Johnson wardrobe.  Let's get to it, shall we?

First of all, let's harken back to last week's hometown dates.

Dear Chris, I love your salt-of-the-earth honesty, but the response to "What would I do for work here?" is not "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker."    That question is equivalent to the following Relationship Trap Questions.  To be clear, RTQ's are deliberate traps set for unsuspecting, well-meaning men in relationships.  These include:

1.  Do I look fat in these (insert newly purchased article of trendy clothing)?

2.  Do you think she's pretty?

3.  Would you ever (insert a male behavior that her best friend is currently upset about) to me?

4.  Do you like strip clubs?

5.  Would you rather go out with your friends or go see (insert Nicolas Sparks movie) tonight?

The ONLY answer to ALL of these questions is a firm, quickly uttered "No, of course not."  Any equivocation or hint of a positive response will result in horrible consequences.  Sometimes it's wiser to just keep the train on the tracks rather than pulling the brake.  Back to Chris.

I'll give the guy credit for his honesty.  It's clear he's an established guy with realistic expectations about where he is in life.

Josh, on the other hand, has less direction than an Iowa weather vane in a windstorm.  It's clear the guy has no plan beyond the Fantasy Suite.  Hell, I'm not sure he's going to propose next week even after Neil Lane drops in after his all nighter with Harrison at the local Dominican nudie bar.

Speaking of Josh, it is me or did his entire family look like Andi?  His mother looked like an older version of her.  As creepy as that sounds, it doesn't end there.  Josh's dental situation also resembles the horse's teeth that Chris rode during his Dump Date in the Dominican Republic.  Andi was about as comfortable on that horse as a bastard on Father's Day.  Granted, after two Fantasy Dates horseback riding was probably not the most considerate activity for the producers to choose.  She'd have been better off with a big bottle of cranberry juice, a giant tub of Desitin, and a well-placed bag of ice.

Speaking of sore wedding tackle, I feel horrible for Chris.  I think we all know that giving him the third Fantasy Date when Andi knew she was neither A.) Going to forego the foreplay and throw him some Courtesy Copulation in the Fantasy Suite, nor B.) Going to keep him around until the Rose Ceremony was a not so clever way of putting the exclamation point on the "He had his heart broken by Andi, but now he's returned to find love" narrative we'll hear on the ABC promos and well into the first episode of his season when he's selected as the next Bachelor.  Being forced to catch the Red eye with Blue balls is a bad way to go out.  Fleiss owes him a solid.

Let's talk about Nick.  Alright, so he's not as affable as Josh.  He's got worse hair and he's clearly uncomfortable with the format of the show.  He's done a poor job hiding his emotions and an even worse job being patient this season.  Nonetheless, Andi is clearly interested and, minus Josh and the entire production staff, he'd have a solid shot at landing her in the real world.

(Here comes the "however".)

HOWEVER, even though he made it to home plate on the Fantasy Date (or was it the dugout?), Andi has Josh on the brain (and every other part of her anatomy for that matter).  She repeatedly buys Josh's brooding invasion of her personal space as a substitution for saying anything substantive.  She giggled like a little girl at his cursory Spanish and she jumped into the Fantasy Suite faster than she jumped on that horse.

"But Josh is a former baseball player and doesn't have a job," you say?  Irrelevant.    Josh doesn't have a job but Andi certainly has some openings he could fill.  

The only difference between her horseback ride with Chris and her night with Josh was stirrups.  Nick is done.  Plain and simple.  It's all over but the boat ride, the overhead helicopter shots of her kissing Josh, and the teary-eyed limo interview with Nick.

If you've been listening carefully and reading Andi's body language the answer is as loud as the flowy silk mumu she wore on her date with Chris.  While she is clearly ATTRACTED to Marcus, Chris, and Nick she's not EXCITED by any of them.  Add in Marcus' incessant neediness and Chris' geographical handicap and those two are easy to figure out.  Again, in a vacuum, she'd date Nick.  Next to Josh, he, like Marcus and Chris before him, is simply neither as intriguing nor as risky.  She's never been bored with Josh.  That's not the case with the other three.

The bottom line is that most women will accept just about anything from men they are attracted to except boredom.  If I'm wrong about that . . . .  Nevermind, I'm not wrong about that.   That's why women will pick a funny guy over a good looking one and why someone as ugly as Mick Jagger has been pulling in models since the mid-sixties.

Moving on.  Let's discuss Andi's wardrobe.  Look, I'm no Tommy Hilfiger, but Andi's wardrobe is awful.  As I've said before, she's no Emily but she's not unattractive.  While she doesn't "do it" for me, she's a young woman with a nice figure, thick healthy hair, and good skin tone.  She's a fresh fish but she's wrapped sloppily in old newspaper most of the time.  From the horrible necklines in her Alexis Colby evening gowns to the unflattering mumu-esque silk shirts, coupled with a rat's nest for a hairstyle, she just hasn't done much to accentuate her best features--or even the ones ole Hy Dorfman paid for.

Let me clarify.  I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy.  Any girl who can look good in a regular pair of jeans and a t-shirt is far more attractive to me than a taped, tucked, Spanxxed, and plastered woman squeezed into a fancy evening gown.  Unzipping that evening gown after the big night out is like opening a can of biscuits.

My point is that if you're going to go that route--especially on live TV when you're supposed to look all angelic and marry-able--do it right.  She's shown less taste this season than Chris has shown upper lip.  Her Rose Ceremony dress last night looked like she picked it up from the tailor before he was finished with it.  Let's hope the wedding dress (I typed that with a straight face) is flattering.

Alright, like all of my posts this season, this one is short and sweet.  It looks like the big finale will feature (for a second time) yet another ex-baseball player sweating profusely on a tropical island as he makes a poor decision.  In the interim, I'll remind you that Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray will be a welcome guest at Mr. and Mrs. Some Guy's house for the Men Tell All show next week.  She's promised to mop the floors and clean the pool in exchange for her air conditioned room.

I've already put a temporary sign on the guest bedroom door labelled "Lair of Seclusion" and we've purchased a Pier 1 shelf on which I've placed a head shots of Chris Harrison, Ryan Gosling, and Bradley Cooper.  I'm still working on filling it with strategically placed candles and some soft blue backlighting so Lincee will feel right at home.  

Let me know what you think of my picks in the Comment section below.  Enjoy the rest of your week and I'll be in touch soon.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be ironing my turquoise suit.  DP