Bachelorette Andi Episode One: Thinning the Herd

Amazing Count:  8

Journey Count: 2

Well, we're off and running.  Someone should have informed the ABC Production Team that the series was starting.  That way, they could have shot some updated footage of our latest Bachelorette beginning her (based on the previews) apparently arduous free journey around the world.  Instead, we were forced to endure her lead in from Juan Pablo's season.  

She puts bad guys away, blah, blah, blah.  As I've said before, second year attorneys in any major D.A.'s office spend the majority of their time assisting "Chief" prosecutors in preparing files.  The career path usually involves starting in either municipal or low level misdemeanor court, moving to low level felony and DWI prosecution, and then back down the ladder to a Chief position in a lower court before climbing back up.   I know I'm boring you, but it's worth mentioning.  Even if she's good, she's not trying murder cases.  

Regardless, a beaming Andi tells us how immensely proud she is of her law degree and how passionately she pursues her chosen career defending the rights of innocent . . . (Atlantans?Atlantians? Atlantaners?). . . people from Atlanta like some capeless superhero.  Then she quits her job, trades in her D.A. heels for cork wedges, packs up her office, heads to L.A. and embarks on some Julia Roberts Pretty Woman shopping spree without a care in the world.  So much for the downtrodden Atlantianers.  

She picks up "her" Audi convertible and hits the beach for some self-reflection before meeting with her judgey parents.  The entire time we hear her annoying voice over.  She "like" wants to "like" find true love, ya know?  She was "like" so "like" bummed out when Juan Pablo "like" turned out to be a jerk.  It's going to be a long season if I have to listen to that for the next 10 weeks.  For a high powered Assistant D.A. she's hardly well spoken or articulate.   A la Womack, she resurrects "truly."  I see that guy several times a week, by the way.  He's always at the gym and it's always Chest and Arms day.  Nice guy.  Still single.  I'm sure he's glad his Bach days are over.  Annnyyyhoooo. . . . 

Incidentally, the more I look at Andi and hear her babble the less attractive she is to me.  She's on par with Ashley at this point.  Her head shot was nice last season and she seemed relatively "together."  I'm not so sure anymore.  Dare I say she looked a bit sloppy?  I'll reserve judgment for now, but she's not doing a whole lot for Some Guy.  She's no Emily.  Then again, who is?  

Before Andi gets to move into "her" mansion we learn that ABC will continue its annoying trend of putting former Bachelor "stars" in its mid-show commercials.  I'm happy to know that Desiree will be using Suave products prior to her impending wedding.  Those won't mean anything when her angry brother gets drunk and angrier and ruins the wedding, but that's neither her nor there.  

Harrison gets the boat out of the dock and splits to go do something more fun than watch Andi change clothes multiple times and cry about finding love and kissing boys with her identical sister.  Did anyone else find it impossible to tell them apart?  

It's normally at this point I hit the "pause" button and head to the 'fridge for a Lone Star, which is the only way I can tolerate the lead ins of the contestants as they fake work, fake push up on the lake shore, and fake wander around their respective home towns.  I was pleased beyond words when I realized that the show was 30 minutes shorter and ABC chose to cut the time by cutting that nonsense from the rest of the nonsense.  

The dudes toast in the limo and we get our first inkling that Andrew is probably just as excited about meeting 24 young, athletic, and single men as Andi.  More about that later.  

As always, I'm going to break from chronology and just list the appearances in the same order as my pre-premier post.  It's going to be a good season.  I have lots to work with.  

Andrew, 30, Andrew and Patrick sitting in a tree.  K.I.S.S.I.N.G.  His champagne toast was very Real Housewives and my Gaydar was off the charts.   He all but confirmed it by professing his love and affection for Patrick during the middle of the show.  Dude, you've been selected to meet a woman.  Someone should explain the premise of the show to this guy before he realizes that Patrick has no ability to give him a rose.  He got a rose.  

Bradley, 32, Opera Singer.  There really is no other way to say it.  This guy is a dork.  He got a rose but only because there was one left after Andi eliminated the guys she couldn't stand.  The looks on the faces of the guys while he was opera singing in the mansion were priceless.  

Brett, 29, Hairdresser.  He shows up with a stolen lamp.  Well, it was actually borrowed from the ABC Prop Truck, but who's counting?  He wore a bow tie.  In all fairness, it worked better on him than the other guy.  He seemed charming enough and Andi giggled willingly in his presence.  We all know he's just going on the show to further his hairdressing career.  He got a rose.  

Brian, 27, Basketball Coach.  Either the limo was too hot or his tie was too tight.  His face was as red as Cody's face was orange.  I don't think our Bachelorette was too impressed with his entrance but he seemed to make up for it during his one on one time.  He got a rose.  

Carl, 30, Fireman.  He still strikes me as goofy but his intro was simple and he didn't play up the obvious fireman angle.  He gave Andi a globe with his hometown marked on it to represent their "journey."  Ok, Carl.  I'm sorry I insulted your hoodie.  He might have a shot.  After all, "I run into burning buildings and save puppies" is a lot more intriguing than, "I grow corn in Iowa."  

Chris, 32, Farmer.  Nice hair.  He grows corn in Iowa.  Second out of the limo.  He was shorter than I'd imagined.  Alright, I didn't imagine it but it sounded nice.  He seemed sufficiently Famerish and Iowan.  If Andi isn't partial to upper lips, he'll likely stick around a while.  Modesty is a rarity in this bunch and my sense is that he's not likely to get sucked into the macho d*ck measuring contest that appears to be inevitable based on the previews.  

Cody, 28, Personal Trainer.  Idiot.  He pushes the limo up the softly lighted driveway in an attempt to impress Andi with his muscles.  Feats of strength?  Come on, are women really impressed by those anymore?  It's not like she's going to have to kill her food or fend off bands of marauding Huns.  Nothing he had on fit him and it seems that the only thing he has going for him is just below his skintight clothes.  I hope he proves me wrong.  He was about as orange as  . . . well . . . an orange.  He got a rose.  

Craig, 29, Tax Accountant.  Chucklehead from Denver.  This guy creeped me out.  Yet, (big shock) Andi liked him enough to give him a rose.  She should have given him some Ritalin and had him sit in the corner.  This was the only rose that really surprised me.  Beiber and his snowboard business should have edged this guy out.  Go figure.  

Dylan, 26, Accountant.  Mrs. Some Guy was impressed with this guy's looks but commented "he's quiet and short."  I suppose that's about all that needs to be said about the guy.  To be fair, he's taller than Andi and seemed genuine.  Like many of the others he sported an awkwardly fitting suit and a loud pop-of-color tie.  He was appropriately nervous and his intro didn't contain forced laughter or painful silence.  He got a rose.  Nice work, Russell Crowe look alike guy.   

Emil, 33, Helicopter Pilot.   First of all, if this guy is 33 then I'm the freaking King of Europe.  I know.  That title is nonsense.  So was this guy's entire act.  He actually told her his name is like "Anal with an M".  Dude, that's not the image you want floating around a woman's brain when you're trying to Out Guy a bunch of other guys.  Lesson learned, I suppose.  I guess, like most women, Andi is really not into Emil Sex.  Boom.  

Eric, 31, Explorer.  What a shame.  Good entrance, good gift with a story behind it, and an interesting guy.  Perhaps his family will gain some solace knowing that millions of people now know what they knew for 31 years:  that he was a special person and a decent human being.  

Jason, 35, ER Doctor.  This guy takes the award for Most Awkward Everything. . . by miles.  Dude, how do you mess up "I'm a doctor"?  From his "you must have a fever because you're so hot" to his nervous, looking down at his shoes intro it just went downhill.  He dropped a subtle "I don't have a lot to go home to" behind some teary eyes when he was eliminated.  He's obviously got an issue or two to resolve.  That includes his haircut.  

J.J., 30, Pantsapreneur.  This guy confirmed the fact that my initial annoyance with him was not misplaced.  A bow tie and suspenders?  Look, the rest of his suit fit him, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of the guys, but anyone who isn't Orville Redenbacher, Bill Nye the Science Guy, or in a barbershop quartet should not wear a bow tie and suspenders.  The guy (apparently) designs pants for a living.  You'd think he'd be able to find a pair that wouldn't slide off of his hips in the absence of suspenders.  He also coined the term "love quest."  I won't even dignify that with a response.  He got a rose.  

Josh B., 29, Telecommunication Manager.  "He won’t stand out.  He’ll stand outside . . . waiting for the cab to the airport." --Some Guy in Austin.  I nailed it.  However he should have listened to my advice.  He was one of, what, six guys to get the boot?  He should have politely hugged Andi, wished her well, and then stood outside and waited for his cab.  We all would have forgotten him by the time Andi raised her post-first rose ceremony champagne flute, but nooooooooo.  He cried and whined about how stupid his friend was for signing him up and then pronounced the show stupid as well.  I think we all know that the only one who looked stupid was him.  Can you imagine the shit he's taking from his buddies back home?  Brutal.  

Josh M., 29, Former Baseball Player. Andi bought it hook, line, and sinker.  He's a charming ex-athlete who's likely used his charm and athlete status to woo the pants off countless women.  He might have formerly played baseball but he's not a former player.  That status is current.  He got a rose after leading with "I just moved to Atlanta."  When he's eliminated he can stalk her in her home town.  

Marcus, 25, Sports Medicine Manager.   First out of the limo.  I sensed a bit of a Patrick Bateman from American Psycho vibe.  Andi was clearly impressed when he stepped out of the limo.  My prediction is that this guy is--as we say in Texas-- all hat and no cattle.  For the non-Texans that means he's full of shit.  However, Andi appeared sufficiently bowled over by his pseudo-charm and that means she'll keep him around awhile even if it becomes apparent that he's not GASP! there for the right reasons.  He got a rose.  

Marquel, 26, Sponsorship Salesman.  Third out of the limo.  Aside from that blaring red tablecloth shirt, Marquel brought his A-game.  His intro wasn't too awkward, he let out the requisite number of platitudes, and he got the hell out of the driveway and into the cocktail party before he and Andi were covered in awkward silence.  Rose.

Mike, 29, Bartender.  His entrance was more awful than his haircut.  This guy had zero game and was about as dumb as a bag of Thor's hammers.  No rose.  Still, his brief stint on the show should gain him some favor from some of his female happy hour regulars after a few stiff margaritas.  No rose.  

Nick S., 27, Pro Golfer.  Golf cart entrance in an ill-fitting skinny pants suit and tie combo.  The over-manicured beard is a mirror image of what hair he has remaining on his head and a desperate attempt to stay current.  He was over the top and his entire act came across as insincere to everyone. . . except Andi.  He got a rose.  

Nick V., 33, Software Sales Executive.  Clearly the most uncomfortable in his skin and likely the person with the least reason to be.   His modest, aw shucks routine scored him the First Impression Rose.  We all know that's the kiss of death like the Heisman Trophy or a J.D. Powers Safety Award but I'll admit it was well-deserved.  Andi was shocked at herself for being attracted to someone who was not her "type."  As an aside, this is a HUGE, RECURRING MISTAKE that single women make.  Honing in on a type that over and over again never works out is a horrible decision.  I was glad to see her sort of realize that and give Nick the F.I.R.   He won't win but he could be this season's Ed.  His Midwestern Milwaukee charm will serve him well.  Then again, Jeffery Dahmer was from Milwaukee.

Patrick, 29, Advertising Executive.  He came out of the limo with a soccer ball and was smart enough to see the horror on Andi's face as she relived last season's soccer player fiasco.  I'll give him credit for the symbolic punting of the soccer ball and the nice recovery on the introduction.  As we'd learn later, this guy has options.  If Andi doesn't pick him he can propose to Andrew.  That was weird, wasn't it?  

Ron, 28, Beverage Sales Manager.  He's from Israel  . . . and Barbados.  Nice enough guy with a lot of traveling around the world stories that seemed to intrigue Andi.  That should last a few shows until he runs out of stories.  That's when he'll drop the "my parents have a free house in Barbados and I can travel there any time I want."  Access to a secluded tropical island during the show is one thing.  Access to a secluded tropical island for life is another.  He got a rose.  

Rudie, 31, Attorney.  1 of 2 latent homosexuals.  Actually, he might have been just plain awkward.  The attorney humor and the handwritten 4th Amendment Waiver fell flatter than West Texas.  Hey, Rudie, you know who hates occupational humor?  Lawyers.  Well, all lawyers except you.  I'm sure he's a nice enough guy; however, he clearly didn't possess the requisite alpha-maleness necessary to distinguish himself.  He didn't get a rose.  

Steven, 30, Snowboard Product Developer.  Bitchin’.  I was stoked to see him and totally bummed out he didn't get a rose.  The surfer vibe clearly isn't what Andi is looking for.  He seemed nice enough.  Probably too nice and a little too mute to attract attention.  

Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Planner.  Highwater pants and yellow socks--and that's just from the knee down.  His lock on the fence trick was hokey and I feel sorry for the intern who had to dig the key out of the fountain after they were done filming.  At least he has a personality.  Granted, it's annoying and contrived, but at least it's a personality.  He (incredibly) got a rose.  

The cocktail party was fairly uneventful.  So much so the Producers brought in Chris something or other from Emily's season and pretended like he crashed the party.  I was over it at that point until I sensed there would be a confrontation involving Chris Harrison and (say it with me) the fat guy in the black hat who helped Roz pack her shit after she got caught cheating on Jake at his own cocktail party.  I love it.  That guy should get a spin off series.

Here are a few more observations.

"Nailed it.  Crazy.  Blown Away."  These are this season's Amazings

The men were clearly told to overstate Andi's hotness.  She just didn't look Bachelorette ready to me.

This show appears to be headed toward the Love and Hip Hop Atlanta format.  That is to say it appears that there is going to be a lot of alpha male macho over-the-top nonsense from a few of the meatheads.  That's unfortunate.  Not because it's probably an indicator that this show is headed down the tubes but because we're all going to have to endure it.

Andi has a classic meltdown.  We saw her lamenting how difficult it must be to get 6 weeks off work and take a free, ass kissing trip around the world in the previews.  Frankly, I can't wait to see that.

Well, there it is.  We're out of the gate.  Hit me with your thoughts and comments.  I'm looking forward to a good season.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be wedding planning in my bow tie and suspenders.  DP