Andi Episode 2: The Chucklehead takes a Dive

Amazing 27

Journey 2

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to our weekly installment of Some Guy’s take on this week’s Bachelorette nonsense.  I suppose we all have no one to blame but ourselves but from last week’s comments a lot of you apparently blame me for “having” to watch the show. 

Before we begin, it’s worth noting that the Amazing Count is off the charts.  Keep in mind that we’re still a half hour shy of normal programming time.  ABC, of course, has generously resolved that problem for us by insisting on 4 hours of a soon-to-be beleaguered Andi whining into her Chardonnay before projecting her frustration on to the remaining hapless, horny, metrosexuals cock fighting for her attention.  Sigh, getting your ass unapologetically kissed while receiving a free trip around the world is such hard work.  Bless her for doing it so the rest of us don’t have to.  Whatever. 

The Journey Count, on the other hand, is at an anemic 2.  To be fair, the actual journey hasn’t started and, as we know from previous seasons, the fake plane graphic that inevitably makes it into the show is inversely related to a lack of Journey references.  Stay tuned.  Now, let’s get to it.  

I’m calling a big, fat double standard on this show a lot of times during this damn episode.  First, Andi wakes up fully clothed (ill-fitting bra and all) and brushes her teeth before donning a different ill-fitting bra and wandering around reflecting about her remaining dudes.  By this time in Andy (‘member him?) Baldwin’s season, we’d have seen him shower, work out, shower again, and shave in the mirror in a towel before showing again for good measure.  Equality, my ass.  I hope you’re all satisfied wallowing in your deep hypocrisy.  Is a frosted shower door and some creative blocking too much to ask for crying out loud? 

We head to the MAN-sion where Chris and his severely gelled Iowa farm hair feign a lack of panic at the loss of his upper lip.  He’d prove himself a decent enough guy, albeit as green as the dress Andi wore on their date, but decent nonetheless.  Chris is to upper lips what Sarah was to right arms. 

The other dudes sit around in their Juicy hoodies and sip bloody marys before Harrison shows up untucked after a night on the town, refers to Andi as “one of the best,” and drops the date card.  Boom.  He’s out.  Unfortunately, he’s painfully aware of what lies ahead for him in the group date.  Unfortunately for us, we weren’t. 

“Eric, Love is everywhere,” it reads as the entire Bachelorette nation let out a collective “that’s so sad,” when we all saw Eric’s bright, humble smile and what appeared to be legitimate excitement.  I’m not going to comment much on the date except to say I think we all agree that he seemed like a decent, down-to-earth guy with real perspective, life goals, and a respect for women.  How he got cast on the show is a mystery.  Was it just me or did that dinner conversation signify the first instance when an actual substantive conversation occurred on this show?  As I said before, what a shame.  He’s like a non-homosexual version of Ames.   

Andi pulls up to the mansion in “her” Audi in her flowy tank top and shorts as half the guys un-shirt themselves upon seeing her arrival.  Tasos was astute enough to wear his morning earrings, you know, to impress her with his penchant to flawless accessorization and Cody sits there looking like the artificially tanned love child of Macklemore and Sean Lowe. 

Eric and Andi head out for a great day at the beach and a helicopter ride into the mountains for some snowboard lessons from this season’s annoying trend of gravy-training past losers who long for the daily minimum now that they have SAG cards.  Some dude named Vito pops in for a cock-block but Eric can snowboard already.  

He got a rose as the entire Bachelorette nation let out a collective sigh and a “that’s so sad” before sadly sipping their chardonnay then immediately un-retracting their claws at the sight of Deanna Pappas in a Suave commercial.  She’s quickly approaching Ryan and Trista in the Milking the Franchise for All It’s Worth Category.  She still came across as bitchy, didn’t she?  

Group date card.  Tasos puts his afternoon earrings on, you know, to impress Andi with his penchant for flawless accessorization.  By the way, despite the fact that there is no resemblance whatsoever, for whatever reason he reminds me of Pitbull.  You know Pitbull.  Mr. Worldwide. Mr. 305. 

I know that because he tells me that in the lead in to every one of his shitty songs.  Why is the fact that he’s Mr. Worldwide a condition precedent to listening to him rap in Cuban or whatever?   Does he even have his own album?  Every time my display pops up with his name on it it’s preceded by the word “Featuring.”  Apparently, this guy will jump into any song for a price.  

Why is he “featured?” Is that a requirement to being Mr. Worldwide?  How can be simultaneously claim to be Mr. Worldwide while constraining himself to a Miami area code?  Look, I know we’ve got a reality show to discuss but any feedback would be appreciated.   

“Ryan, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., Dylan, Let’s Bare our souls.” 

OHM Nightclub is the venue.  We’d learn that OHM is an acronym for Overly Humiliated Men.  It’s also the place where I was forced to watch these guys debase themselves by oiling up and stripping for Andi and a couple of other recycled ex-contestants with nothing better to do. 

To be fair, Kelly was there to keep an eye on Chris’ lip.  To make it even more demeaning, we were treated with both audio and subtitles of such gems as “wow, look at the packages” and “he can teach me to ride.”  You have to love a lady, don’t you?    

And for all of you feminists out there let me just ask a question.  If Brad Womack had taken the women to Scores Nightclub and had them dress up like French maids, school girls, and Girl Scouts so they could learn to pole dance for Brad and a bunch of his friends while they made sexually charged comments about the women before tipping them in the name of “it’s for a good cause,” do you think you would have been fine with it? 

The best line in that whole demeaning date was from Carl.  “I’m an actual firefighter and I’m in the firefighter group.”  The defeated look on his face was priceless.    

Craig, well on his way to this season’s record BAC, stuffs his pants.  He should have stuffed that cloth in his mouth.  It would have done him more good. Marcus, clearly the front runner in Andi’s mind, got the big solo.  Basically, he dressed up like Jake Pavelka and rolled around stage like a bonobo monkey for a few minutes.  He got the date rose and, frankly, he deserved it. 

Post-stripping cocktail party.

Josh M., clearly another favorite of Andi, shows up in a vest.  I think those of you who have been with me a while remember when Womack showed up in a vest on his season my aversion to the vest became apparent.  Ergo, I will now shower you in vest jokes.

A vest?  Is he dealing blackjack later?  Is he a magician?  Does he play stand up bass in a jazz band?  A vest?  Does he shop at Vests R Us? Was there a sale at Wild Wild Vest?  If he wrote a date card it would say Dear Andi, the Vest is Yet to Come.  Is he an in-VEST-ment banker?    

Alright, that’s enough with the vest jokes.  Feel free to send in your own.  Don’t be shy.  Remember, just do your vest. 

Chris tries to maintain a stiff upper lip but can’t contain his enthusiasm when he learns he’s the recipient of the last one-on-one date.  J.J. cries in his red pants and Andrew longs for a morning spoon session from Patrick. 

Meanwhile, the Opera guy attempts to woo her with some opera.  She’s polite but was less impressed than we were.  As an aside, let me say that Andi looked much better this week than she did last week.  She seemed more relaxed.  However, her whole affect is off-putting to me.  I just don’t find her that attractive.  Sure, I’d approach her in a bar; however, I doubt I’d ask her out after hearing her talk.  Add in her palilalia (Google it) and I’d probably be driven crazy if forced to hang out with her, try a case against her, or argue in front of a judge beside her.  Any of these sound familiar?

“Stahhhhhp.”

“At the end of the day.”

“Nailed it.”

“It’s so crazy.”

I could go on.  It’s like Womack’s “truly I do, I mean it”.  I’ll give her a pass on “y’all,” which is apparently a thorn in some of your sides based on the comments last week.  That’s a colloquialism.  It’s different. 

I use it and, frankly, I don’t hear it anymore.  It’s like having a child.  After a while you become immune to screaming children to the point where you can sit in a room full of them and concentrate on the adults in the room.  No kids?  All you hear is children screaming.  I suppose a comparison for me is when I travel to the East Coast and I hear “you’se guys” or the incredibly liberal and creative use of the word “f*ck.”  You get he picture. 

Craig was hammered.  She handled herself really well but was clearly horrified.  “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” is perhaps the best one-on-one time question ever uttered on the show.  Where was (say it with me) the fat guy who helped Roz pack her shit when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party?    

Instead we again have to settle for the poor low-level producer guy in Buddy Holly glasses that had to deal with the “party crasher” Chris Bukowski on the first episode.  Short straw, dude, but nice work getting his drunk ass back to the mansion and away from Andi’s semi-virginal loins. 

Andi bitches at the guys about Craig’s behavior.  I believe psychiatrists refer to that as Transference.  It’s not their fault Chucklehead became a bigger Chucklehead after a few dozen pops at the strip show.  That, by definition, is what Chuckleheads do.    

She loves Marcus.  I don’t see it but Marcus gets the rose.  He’s a Fantasy Suite finalist unless he’s the one with the alleged girlfriend that sets off Hurricane Andi next week.  The only question is will he get the first crack at Andi’s semi-virginal loins or will Josh M?  We shall see, shan’t we? 

Iowanna take you to the race track.  Chris date. 

Look, I’ve pegged Nick as this season’s Ed, which means he’s lacking the body and the charm of the alphas in the house but will likely do well.  Along the same lines, Farmer Chris has potential to crack the top 5 if he tones down the naiveté.  I’ll give him credit, however.  Andi asked him some tough questions and he did more than pay them lip service.  He couldn’t help but smile. 

I never thought I’d say this but thank God for bowties.  The goofy shirt and short shorts he wore to meet Andi in her Billie Holliday hair and Kelly green dress had “I’m from Iowa” written all over them.  They were as short as his upper lip.    

He was nervous, honest, and sincere.  I’d like to see him man up a bit more but I think the contrast he poses next to Josh M.’s testosterone seeping frame will allow her to appreciate him.  She recognized his sincerity and seemed to appreciate it too.  Chris gets a rose.  

They wander over for “one more surprise” and see a band called “This Wild Life” in their very own personal concert.  The band guys might have been Amish and castrated.  One of them was definitely related to the president of the network.  Do we really need another guy with a beard who sounds like Dave Matthews?  I thought Mumford and Sons had cornered that market.  Apparently not.  I listened as Chris and Andi swayed to a beat different than the song.  Chris was careful not to approach the lip of the stage.  I waited for Pitbull to tell me he was Mr. Worldwide and Mr. 305 before jumping into the song.  He was apparently featured somewhere else that evening. 

Oh, and don’t think I don’t appreciate the irony of the guy with no upper lip getting the first kiss of the season.  That’s like having Sarah throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.  Annyyyhooo . . .

Cocktail party.  Andi shows up in a rhinestone get up.  I’ll say it again, she looked very pretty until she opened her mouth.    

Nick V. takes matters into his own hands with some free champagne and drops some heavy questions on her. 

I wasn’t sure what was going on with Marquel’s mismatched shirt, tie, and socks combination.  Is that a thing now like Hunter boots after Princess Kate wore them or the bang braid after Emily’s season?   At first I thought he was colorblind then I realized he was just blind.  Props to him on owning it, though.    

Josh lays it on thick.  Very thick.  He’s approaching Marcus on her Giggle Meter.  

Chucklehead drops “I was a drunk idiot” before pulling out he guitar and singing a forced apology.  He’s no Wes Hayden. She politely lets him finish but had neither the time to care about it nor the inclination to accept it.  Nice try, Chucklehead.  The good news is that he’s sober.  So at this point he’s just an idiot.  At least he's got that going for him.  

Harrison ding dings and the ceremony commences.   

1.              Eric

2.              Chris

3.              Marcus

4.              Ron

5.              Dylan

6.              J.J.

7.              Marquel

8.              Andrew

9.              Tasos (in his evening earrings)

10.           Josh M.

11.           Cody

12.           Nick V.

13.           Patrick

14.           Brian

15.           Brett

16.           Bradley

Nick, Craig, and Fireman Carl get the boot.  Carl was upset he’d been forced to dress up like a fireman and strip and even more upset that his Ryan Gosling imitation fell flat.  Did those glasses even have any glass in them? 

Nick S. tries to hold it together and, for the most part, does.  Both of them lost with enough class to pull some chicks back home and dodge their buddy’s jokes.  Andi drops a “I just couldn’t get past it” on Craig.  Classic.  I think we all know that’s not the first time that guy has made an idiot out of himself.  He might as well just put on an orange wig and some giant red shoes before he leaves his efficiency apartment every night.  Chucklehead, indeed.  I shall miss thee, Craig.  I hope you find Mrs. Chucklehead. 

Well, there it is.  With 4 (yes, 4) hours of the Bachelorette to look forward to next week, we move toward a GoPro filled plane ride to exotic destinations.  Can Brett the hairdresser rally?  Can Brian the Coach stand out amongst the men?  Will a bitter ex-girlfriend show up and ruin someone’s nascent pro wrestling career?  Give me your thoughts.  Until next time, if you need me I’ll be fake tanning with Macklemore . . . featuring Pitbull.  DP