Episode 4: Claire Starts with “C” and So Does Crazy

Hello, Readers.   You know me well enough to know that I’d apologize for my dereliction of duty last week if I needed to, but I just can't say that I consciously neglected anything.  It was more of an issue of prioritization.  Unfortunately, The Bachelor fell toward the bottom of last week’s Stuff I Have to Do List.  If that upset any of you, I’m sorry.  On the up side, I didn’t commit legal malpractice.  Trade offs.  At any rate, we have some Juan Pablo to discuss.  As always, I’ll attempt to wrest meaning from this nonsense.  Let’s get to it. 

Speaking of dereliction of duty, Harrison makes an early appearance in some ill-fitting plaid number reminiscent of the J.C. Penney Boys' Department circa 1983. Between that shirt and Juan Pablo’s Yellow and Red pants I’m beginning to wonder if the entire ABC Wardrobe Department isn’t on strike.  Perhaps they’re holding out for a bigger Neil Lane Zales Jewelry employee discount.  Their leader—and I have no doubt about this—is that fat guy in the leather hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t after she (allegedly) cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party. 

As an aside: I was speaking to my friend Lincee (www.ihategreenbeans.com) Ray the other day about my favorite Bachelor moment of all time.  Hands down, it is when Roz cheated on Jake at his own freaking cocktail party and Jake, literally tearing up like he was on a balcony at the Austin Town Lake Hyatt, blurts out, “Get me Chris Harrison.”  It doesn’t get more Amazing than that.  Second place?  Gia (God rest her soul) Alleman’s “you can eat my salmon.”  Back to Juan Pablo.

Harrison and his 10 pound Neil Lane inspired watch drop the 2 group 1 individual date rules and he exits to go get fitted for a gray suit.  The hens are excited about leaving the hen house but collectively stare at each other like confused school children when Harrison mentions Seoul.   

Sharleen is only one who knows not only WHERE South Korea is located, but that there IS a South Korea. They let out a collective squeal after resigning to trust Sharleen’s geographical acumen (that means she knows where like whole countries are and stuff).   God help us all.     

This season’s thorn in our side, Claire, actually refers to South Korea as a “new place” before lamenting the fact that she owns no kimono.  I’d be willing to bet that whatever Dynasty was digging ditches and building infrastructure on the Korean Peninsula around 2300 B.C. would beg to differ with the hairdresser from Sacramento.  Lest you accuse me of taking that comment out of context, please re-watch the tape.  She’s clearly an idiot.      

ABC assures the rest of us that South Korea is within flying distance of Los Angeles with its giant plane off the continent graphic.  The girls treat us to in-flight Go Pro footage in order to pass the time.   We cut to a pre-arrived Juan Pablo strolling around Seoul searching for a place to shower before purchasing several pairs of multicolored denim skinny jeans to accent his earth toned hoodie collection.    

Andi reminds us that Harrison has spoken and the girls run around like fools when they arrive at the Rainman Suite in the local Hilton Resort.

Date card.  Nikki wants a one-on-one and, as we’ll soon learn, it’s clear that the girl time and air miles are getting on her last nerve. 

Chelsie, Cassandra, Danielle, Elise, Kat, Nikki.  Group Date.  “POP” Juan Pablo.  Nikki and her Ubiquitous 30 foot scarf lament the group date.  “Eyes on the prize Nikki.  Eyes on the prize,” I said sipping my first Lone Star.  I know, I’m usually 3 in by now but my little skiing vacation set me back a few steps.  Not 12 Steps, mind you, but a few steps nonetheless.   

Juan Pablo tells the girls that he’ll be meeting them at some studio whose name he can’t pronounce for some K-pop music, whatever that is.  Look, I know that Latin guys from Miami love “den-sing” with the ladies, but I’ve had enough of this shit and it’s only the 4^th show.  If I want to hear Spanish dance music, I’ll get in my car and drive by a residential construction site, for crying out loud.  My suspicion was that K-Pop is the Korean version of that garbage.  We get it.  He’s spicy.  He’s Latin.  He loves the forbidden dances (all of them).  I never thought I’d long for a rappelling date but there I was.  Sigh.     

Elise pines away in the limo oblivious that, thanks for a well-timed “discovery” of a soft core porn she did “when she was young and needed the money,” her teacher job is in jeopardy.  Nikki makes herself less attractive by whining the first of many whines this week.  Remember my pre-show analysis:  If she’s not crazy she’ll be a Fantasy Suite finalist.

Juan Pablo meets the ladies in pink shoes and skinny jeans at _____?   Again, I couldn’t understand what the name of the place was because he can’t pronounce it in English how it’s supposed to be pronounced in Korean.

2NE1 (very clever), the Korean Spice Girls, are this year’s Jabberwockies (‘member them?)  Although they are from South Korea, they talk like they’re from Brooklyn. 

The girls Changey Crose into their solo outfits and Nikki complains  while Kat shows off her current dance moves, Cassandra utilizes some of her former NBA dance moves, and Juan Pablo makes a fool of himself in red jeans and some kind of Hurt Locker bomb squad vest.  2NE1 Sucks.   

By the way, how grateful are Ryan and Trista they got in early?  Annyyyhooo. . .

Date rose on the table post 2NE1 party. Kat, wants to show her serious side but in the meantime elects to show him the top sides of her boobs . . . both of them.  The Date Rose sits there being anxiously coveted by all of the women who squirm, pregnant with anticipation like Cassandra’s post NBA Western Conference Finals After Party EPT Test Strip. 

The Kattiness starts (see what I did there?).  They all lay into Kat for some reason.  Granted, she was annoying at the dance thing, but she seems generally alright.  The jet lag must be a bitch.   Kat leads with this season’s my dad’s an alcoholic asshole talk.  He had 7 DWI’s, lived with his parents, never paid her “strong” mother support, etc.  We’ve heard this one before. In short, she has significant Daddy issues.  

Hmm.  Imagine that.  A hot, hyper competitive twenty-something raised by a single mother and abandoned by her father with something to prove.  I believe those actual criteria are present on every major pharmaceutical company sales rep. application in the form of a yes/no interrogatory.   Run, Juan Pablo.  Run as fast as your red jeans will carry you.   

Surprisingly, Nikki starts to fumble the ball.   Perhaps “Aunt Flo” made the trip to South Korea with her, I wondered.  After watching the whole date it was clear that “Aunt Heavy Flo” stowed away in Nikki’s carry on bag.  Good Lord was she bitchy.

Despite the meltdown Juan Pablo drops a very telling “how do you feel about Camilla”--- in perfect English, no less.  Nice recovery, Nikki.  Aunt Flo will return to the states in a few days.  Hang in there. 

Date Card:  Clare and one of her turquoise statement necklaces read it. 

Sharleen:  are you my Seoulmate?  Juan Pablo. 

As the rest of the broads lament the group date, Juan Pablo shows up in another ridiculous outfit.  He changes more than Danielle’s hairstyle, for God’s sake.  Nikki and her stress pimple get the date rose.  BOOM. 

Elise tells us that she wouldn’t have Nikki around Camilla because of her negativity.  What about soft core porn and daddy issues?  I sincerely hope that y’all appreciate the irony that the video she made in order to be famous has finally made her famous for something she’d rather not be famous for.   I love it.   

“Wheel you assept these rose?”   Nikki 2  Elise 0. 

Sharleen Date.  

Juan Pablo showers in South Korea for what felt like a time longer than that 2NE1 “song” at the Mall.  Sharleen gets ready in her kimono-like outfit in an attempt to (apparently) maximize her Asian Persuasion.

Worse than that kimono thing, Sharleen dons a black onesie with hose and heels.  I couldn’t figure out if she was going on a 1 on 1 date or trying out for the Rockettes.  Good Lord.  Even I know that outfit was awful.  Hose and heels to hop around South Korea?    

Oddly enough, that wasn’t the dumbest outfit on the date.  Juan Pablo shows up in Yellow pants and a hoodie?  Is he a member of 2NE1?  

They frolic.  She sings (sort of).  Juan Pablo tells us that she is “Especial.”  Sharleen—who is chloroform on screen, by the way,--tips her hand.  She HATES kids and the prospect of a tiny person gestating in her uterus and having to be pushed out of her body through her vagina is worse than anything she could possibly imagine. 

“Es naught ee-see to have a kid,” Juan Pablo concedes.  Perhaps it was the accent but I couldn’t discern if he was referring to the actual possession of a child or the part about squeezing one out through one’s vagina.  Regardless, Sharleen proves that honesty is the best policy and Juan Pablo is too nice to send a date home.  At least it got her a rose. 

Group Date.  Let’s get Krazy in Korea.  I’m going to skip over this nonsense quickly.  Karaoke.  Nikki should be glad that she missed that part.    

Dr. Fish Zone.  Fish manicure.  Claws come out.  Claire cock blocks everyone (figuratively, of course).

Renee continues to be normal.  She moves in for the kees.  Juan Pablo inexplicably holds back from the kees.  The guy is more inconsistent than Cassandra’s EPT Test Results a day after the NBA Western Conference Finals After Party.    

Andi and JP have one on one.   That goes well.  They bust each other’s balls.  Andi believes that it’s “crazy” that they’re in South Korea.  No, Andi.  North Korea would be crazy.  South Korea is just a place with horrible music and octopus food stands. 

Lauren moves in for a drunk kees but JP shuts it down because he has a daughter.  He’s not an equal opportunity keeser, is he? Lauren cries about it. 

Lauren melts down in lobby.  Juan Pablo puts us at ease in his electric blue V-neck.  Lauren drops “right reasons” first time in season. 

Andi and Kelly do a GREAT Juan Pablo and Claire impression.  Eye take back all of the Eye jokes about Kelly.  Eye was clearly wrong about her.  In all seriousness, I believe I said she appears to have a good sense of humor.  She does and I was glad to see that Andi has a fun side besides the controlling one we saw in the nude photo shoot episode.  That part actually made me laugh.  Kelly’s “that’s the most I’ve had to eat in two weeks” crack about Claire was priceless.  That’s so much better to watch than the usual abject back biting that goes on constantly on this show.  Props to her.  Eye Salute you, Kelly.  Nice work. 

Claire gets some one on one and proceeds to squeeze the bunny a la Lenny in Of Mice and Men as she “comfort zones” Juan Pablo to death.  Do people have hair in Miami cause I could totally move there from Sacramento and cut hair?  It’s totally out of my Comfort Zone.  At that point, I wished she would stick it up her comfort zone and shut up.

Nikki and Claire square off with Kelly in the middle but Kelly drops the “crazy” on her before she ducks out.   Again, nice work.  She’s apparently had an eye on Claire for some time. Claire continues to look like Kristin Bell and wear various turquoise statement necklaces. 

She judges Nikki who responds with the best line ever.  “You’re not handing out the roses.”  Indeed she’s not.  Total Burn.  

Harrison enters. 

Harrison sets up ancient royal palace and the Rose Ceremony commences. 

1.         Nikki

2.         Sharleen

3.         Andi  

4.         Renee

5.         Chelsie

6.         Kelly

7.         Danielle (way under the radar)

8.         Cassandra

9.         Allison

10.       Claire

11.       Kat

Elise—Former 1^st Grade Teacher

Lauren—Insecure but nice girl from Austin.  One mistake killed her. 

Now we know why the Elise soft porn story was leaked when it did.  Nice timing, ABC Secret Intern in Charge of Clandestine Leaks.  Lauren was embarrassed but will thank God she got booted for crying and not for whoring it up in a Cinemax Sunday Night Movie. 

Juan Pablo toasts the ladies who have assepted these roses and announces a trip to Vietnam.

Well, there it is.  We head into Episode 5 with 11 finalists remaining.  We shall see what happens.  Take care.   Until next week, if you need me I’ll be shopping for multicolored denim skinny jeans in a hoodie while listening to the Spice Girls.  DP