Nick Episode 3: I'll Take a Cucumber (salad), please.

Hello Readers.  I come to you today from the Tampa International Airport and, eventually, from 30,000 feet.  My apologies for missing what was an epic opportunity to pile on last week, but if the Bachelor is the Earth then my “real” job has been Jupiter over the past couple of weeks.  Like post-Fantasy Suite menses, I have been regretfully absent. 

The good news is that all of my bills are currently getting paid.  The bad news (for you anyway) is that I haven’t been able to share my beguiling demeanor and boyish charm with any of you for a week.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

As if ABC read my mind, we were treated to a graphic recap of the “Liz Situation.”  If her father wasn’t admitted to the local psych ward after last week’s show, I’m certain that occurred this week when, yet again, we were reminded that she got hammered at the wedding reception before getting hammered by Nick and choosing to accept it as a one night stand.  For the record, she’s an adult.  She can make whatever decision she wants concerning her cooter, but why do we have to hear about it for three weeks?

Predictably, Nick (for the 4^th time) is “forced” to admit that he had a one night stand with yet another person on a reality show.  If he keeps it up (no pun intended), ABC will have enough women to cast the next Bachelor in Paradise.  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  I digress. 

The girls sit around makeup-less and lament his promiscuity while simultaneously praying that their name will be on the one-on-one date card. 

Wait, what about the Rose ceremony?  Nick shows up in an ill-fitting jacket and a floral tie presumably to evoke feelings of sympathy while he attempts to justify the “Liz Situation” to 22 of his potential future one night stands. 

Now that the cat is out of the bag Nick wants to be “transparent.”  All of a sudden he’s “an open book.”  I’ll give him a bit of credit.  Like Liz, he too made an adult decision at that now infamous wedding reception and was likely just as shocked as us all when Liz exited the limo.  Fleiss 1, Nick 0. 

He hung in there and clawed his way back with little to no objection from the “ladies”.  Danielle attempted to put up a fight but could have used a shot of Viagra to stiffen her spine.  She is gorgeous but I can’t get past the Kardashian diction.  It’s more annoying than Nick’s speech impediment.  I still think she’s Fantasy Suite material if she doesn’t get bored of Nick.   

Corinne, of course, doesn’t care that Nick’s been banging more than window shutters in a hurricane.  She’s too busy stuffing her unmentionables into a trenchcoat in an attempt to “impress” Nick.  Word to Corinne:  your behavior—setting aside the idiocy of it for a moment—will get you laid, but it won’t get you married.  Even mansluts like Nick are turned off by blatantly whorish (yes, that’s the correct word) behavior.  Here’s a little guy secret:  It’s not the actual act that men find thrilling in that situation.  It’s the challenge of getting there.  Take away at least the appearance of a challenge and even a guy like Nick will find it boring.  Do yourself a favor and Google “self respect” the next time you have the urge to sleep with Nick.   

It’s clear that Corinne does not read my blog.  She opts for whip cream between the boobs (subtle) and some ridiculous suggestive small talk.  Nick looked embarrassed.  Jasmine “stumbles upon” Nick and Corinne and saves Nick from an awkward situation that was about to turn even more awkward.  Where in the hell is Corinne’s nanny Raquel when we need her?    

In denial, Corinne sniffles at her failure to do something “nice and very cute” for Nick.  Wow.  “Nice and very cute” is apparently “slutty” anywhere else.  When was the last time anyone said, “Aww, she showed up naked under a trenchcoat and talked dirty while putting whipped cream on her boobs for a virtual stranger to lick off.  How nice and cute.” 

Answer?  Never.  

Corinne cries like the spoiled brat she is and then she goes and takes one of several naps.  Acting like a slut is exhausting.  Who knew that trying to sleep with a guy would be harder than “running a multi-million dollar company?”     

 

Harrison shows up pre-rose ceremony and stirs the pot.  Incredibly, Corinne is napping.  That’s a first . . . and a classic. 

Rose Ceremony.

1.     Corinne (still napping)

2.     Danielle M.

3.     Astrid

4.     Taylor

5.     Whitney

6.     Kristina

7.     Danielle L.

8.     Rachel

9.     Vanessa

10.  Raven

11.  Jaimi

12.  Dominique

13.  Sarah

14.  Alexis

15.  Brittany

16.  Josephine

17.  Jasmine

Gone

Hailey

Elizabeth

Lacey

Group Date Card:  Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne, “Everybody”.  Harrison talks up the date before turning is Run-DMC Adidas toward the door and hitting the local day drinking spot in anticipation of a buzz, a late afternoon nap, and a fat paycheck for attending the next Rose Ceremony. 

The Backstreet Boys take time out from raising their teenagers, mowing their lawns, and scheduling their first colonoscopies, and recovering from hip surgeries in order to drop by and teach the girls and Nick a few things about being a big star in the 1990’s.  Who knew Nick would actually be the youngest guy in the mansion next to Harrison?  While the 8 counts get thrown down, Corinne reminds us that the only thing she does worse than making a respectable presentation of herself is dance.  Frustrated she can’t get any attention by throwing her hoo ha around the room, she goes and cries in the bathroom. 

She tells us that she’s frustrated because, after Whipcream-gate, she feels like she’s “not being herself.”  Trust me, Corinne, you’re being yourself.  Somewhere in a very posh wing of Corinne’s dad’s mansion right across from Corinne’s wing Raquel the Nanny laughed a satisfying, guttural laugh before kicking her feet up and taking a big swig of chardonnay.    

I couldn’t watch the Backstreet “Boys” perform while Nick attempted to dance and the girls tried to count to 8.  It was horrible.  Danielle L. wins the big contest.  She’s so pretty.  I started to get past the Kardashian diction thing.  Corinne, predictably, gets upset watching an cringe-inducing  A Capella performance of “I Want it That Way” while Danielle and Nick Fonzie dance in front of the crowd.  Frankly, that should have been the loser’s punishment rather than the winner’s reward.

Cocktail date.  Nick’s clothes look like they were purchased before he hit puberty and then washed in hot water before he put them on.  I wondered Juan Pablo left a few items behind in the mansion.

Just as we thought it was impossible for Corinne to make herself less endearing to the rest of the women, she tells everyone that she misses her nanny.  Jasmine has a lot of trouble digesting the fact that Corinne has a nanny.  I think all relatively normal people had a problem digesting that.  My favorite part about that—and there were many favorite parts—entire exchange was the indignant look of shock on Jasmine’s face when she asked, “wait, do you have children?” and “how old are you?” followed by “you mean, like a real nanny?” 

Danielle gets the Group Date Rose she earned. 

Vanessa gets the coveted one-on-one and we all wondered if Nick would attempt zero gravity intercourse with her on that Zero G plane thing. 

That date looked fun but it would have been better to take Corinne up there and watch her puke up her high maintenance mint julep or whatever she drinks.  Instead Vanessa pukes but turned out to be a good date.  Also Fantasy Suite material.  She seems like a nice, thoughtful person.  I can’t decide if she’s going to beat Danielle L. yet.   Incidentally, watching the vast majority of your happy clients puke all over the plane has to be the worst part about being a Zero G instructor. 

Dinner with Vanessa.  Happy she now has some bonus calories to ingest.  Nick cries. (Pu**y).  She gets the Date Rose.

Date Card:  Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique, “I’m done playing the field.” 

Nick shows up in his Garanimals short shorts and tank top. 

Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter  Gold Medal Winners show up to host “Nick-a-tha-lon”.  Was anyone else amazed at how unathletic all of the women were?  Good Lord.  That “high” jump thing was like 18 inches off the ground.  Ironically, the biggest injury risk was Astrid’s lack of an adequate sports bra.  Those things slapped every corner of the stadium.  She handled it well, however, and ended up recovering the diamond ring fumble and earning some stadium hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last place in the foot race.  She’s going to go far too, I think, but I doubt she’ll win. 

Cocktail party at Big Daddy’s Antiques, Inc.  Dominique melts down because Nick didn’t give her enough attention.  This soon became what most elementary teachers would refer to as “a teachable moment.”  Rachel comforts her by giving her completely rational and accurate advice, which is precisely why it fell on deaf ears. 

Nick proceeds to make out with everyone on every piece of antique furniture while Dominique stews in the Ladies Room (or whatever room her gender identity deemed appropriate). 

Dominique the proceeds to shoot herself in the foot by busting Nick’s balls.  She even lights him up with “you didn’t give me a fair chance” before Nick got the nod from the Producers that they had enough film and he was free to send her ass home. 

Teachable Moment:  From a guy’s perspective—and I don’t care if he’s 26 or 56—there is nothing worse than getting a ball busting from a woman who “knows she’s right” and wants to “set him straight.”  There’s more than one way to load the dishwasher, put the detergent in the washing machine, and (yes) pay attention to a woman on a group date.  Like every other guy watching the show, I knew she was headed home before she opened her mouth.    

Nick asks himself, “could any of these relationships end in an engagement.”  Sure, Nick.  They ALL end in an engagement and a few red carpet appearances.

Rachel gets the Date Rose.  She seems like a front runner too, although I think Nick will ultimately go elsewhere.   

Harrison shows up in his Adidas to drop a big dose of buzz kill in the AM.  Bad news:  No Cocktail Party.  Good News:  Pool Party.   Harrison giveth, Harrison taketh away.

Pool Party. 

Corinne apparently woke up long enough to order a bounce house so she could grind all over Nick.  I just hope the rental company had the courtesy to disinfect it prior to letting the next bunch of 5 year olds jump around in it.  All the girls (understandably) get pissed when Nick spends a tad too much time on the receiving end of the aforementioned grinding upon.  Drunk again, Corinne retires to the mansion for an afternoon nap. 

Alexis, summed it up the best when she dropped, “this is the worst pool party I’ve ever been to.”

Does anyone think that Corinne has a case of promiscuity-induced narcolepsy?  She seems to pass out after every attempt to mount Nick.  She should get that checked out.    

In another classic scene Raven tells Nick all about Corinne’s nanny and the shocked look on his face was freaking priceless.  “She did not know how to clean a spoon.”  CLASSIC.  Raven is going to finish high as well.  I like her but I don’t think she’ll beat Danielle or Vanessa.    

They all melt down and Vanessa approaches Nick for a doorstep chat.  She has some legit questions.  Again, she’s rational, mature, and fair.  “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.  I’d rather you just not give me a rose,” was proof of it.  She’s  solid and Nick should realize that she’s much more age-appropriate for him than the other girls.  She’s Canadian, but we shouldn’t hold that against her.    

My Top 5, so far, are:   Raven, Vanessa, Rachel, Danielle L., and (maybe) Alexis.  I’m pretty set on the first three, a bit unsure about Danielle L., and really unsure about Alexis.  She’s funny, though and that usually gets a girl within sight of the Hometown Dates.  Then again, how fun would it be for Nick to meet Corinne’s family and be waited upon by Raquel?   

On the upside, there’s apparently a girl fight next week.

Well, there it is.  A recap, albeit a late one.  Enjoy your week, send me your feedback, take care of yourselves.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be waiting patiently in my room for my nanny to prepare me a fruit smoothie and a light cucumber salad.