Chris Episode 6: Save Some Whores, Ride a Copter

Amazing Count 87

Journey Count 17

Hello, Readers.  I’m going to go ahead and say that this season is my favorite season of The Bachelor ever.  Kelsey is certifiably Manson-esque.  They might want to re-examine the Tate and LaBianca residences just to make sure they didn’t miss her prints.  I don’t care if she wasn’t born when those murders occurred.  She’s crazy enough to figure that detail out on her own.  We’ll get to all that in a bit. 

My Story is AMAZING.

Due to my propensity to block this show out after I hit the “Publish” icon on the blog, I had forgotten that our love sick farm boy was left mulling around his holding room with a hi-ball full of whiskey in Santa Fe waiting for the “all clear” from an ABC staff member letting him know that it was his time to deal with Kelsey and her “panic attack.” 

Panic attack?  Good Lord.  Did anyone buy that?  She’s a bigger fraud than that tantric whatever coach that turned Carly into a whore last week.  Speaking of frauds, did anyone verify the identity of the “paramedic” who tended to her?  

Look, I’m no Travis Stork, M.D. (see what I did there?) but it seems to me that the first point of business when encountering a non-injured person panicking on a cold tile floor might be to grab a blanket and a pillow.  They could have at least called in Becca to assist with a chiropractic adjustment.       

It would be easier to fake this if I had a pillow.

Kelsey should have hung out in the bathroom with Jade and faked an onset of explosive diarrhea.  That would have been more believable and, frankly, more attractive.  After all, even perfectly sane people get diarrhea on occasion.  Instead, she tells us that the “emotional burden” made her faint.  Her new husband died suddenly of congestive heart failure and she’s emotionally burdened by the prospect of a delay in the rose ceremony?  Sounds reasonable.    

The girls sit around as unconvinced as the rest of us in the lounge that looks like my living room annoyed as Kelsey gets tended to by the fake paramedics.  Surprisingly, Samantha stays silent.  Her parents should have named her Aphasia.  I mean it when I say she’s one of the prettiest contestants I’ve ever seen on the show, but she makes Helen Keller look loquacious, for crying out loud.  I began to wonder if she'd cut herself on a rusty nail on night one and had been deprived of a tetanus shot. 

I have lockjaw.

For what it’s worth, if I were a farmer from Iowa I’d have picked up on her shyness and at least invited her on a one-on-one to get to know her.  She seemed nice enough and, dare I say it, above the fray.  Perhaps that explains her lack of a tongue.  That would explain her lack of make out sessions as well.   

Early Rose Ceremony! 

Whitney

Carly

Britt

Jade (her midriff in full view)

Kaitlyn

Megan

Becca

Ashley I.

Kelsey

Mackenzie and Samantha are gone.  Samantha musters a few parting words and apparently walked home in her sparkly dress.  I suppose the stagecoach wasn’t due in Santa Fe until Tuesday.  She was in a hurry for some reason.  While we'll never know what that reason was, I think it's safe to assume she wasn't in danger of being late to a speaking engagement.   

Mackenzie can’t bear the pain of being forced not to pretend like she wants to live in Iowa in addition to the unthinkable possibility of returning home to the son who has probably forgotten his mother’s face by now.  Oh, the humanity! 

I certainly didn’t need more ammunition to like Samantha, but Jade lets us know that “Sam,” has a haunted past but “didn’t use it” to her advantage.  I suppose we can, with some certainty, rule out that she is a virgin and I’d be willing to bet the fact that she finished 7^th in the Miss California USA Pageant doesn’t qualify as a traumatic event.  Then again, if Runners Up 1-5 are unable to fulfill their duties (read: pose nude) she needs to be ready to assume whatever duties need fulfilling.  I'm not into pageants but I'd bet that one of Miss California's duties involves tax collection.   That's a little California socialism humor there for you.  Annyyyyyhoo. . . 

Regardless, I’ll give Sam credit for not airing her bidness on a reality show in the name of hypothetically being invited to possibly get engaged and maybe someday move to Iowa after potentially getting married.   It was at this point that I realized that Chris had made a big mistake.  Unfortunately, he didn’t. 

Chris shaves and dresses before heading to the Black Hills of Deadwood, South Dakota, or as Megan calls it “a totally other part of Mexico”.  He recites the facts from his producer card before going rogue and referring to South Dakota as The Wild West.  He tools around some tourist traps before retiring to his suite in anticipation of meeting the remaining Iowa recruits. 

The girls arrive and ooh and ahh the hotel before giving Britt and Kelsey some space so they can have a talk in their bras on the balcony.  That was weird. 

Date Card:  Britt puts her shirt back on and reads it.   “Becca, Let’s give love a shot.”  Frankly, I was glad to see Becca get the outdoorsy, gun shooting date.  She’s clearly been patient enough for a one-on-one and she’s demonstrated that she’s not too shallow to appreciate the simplicity of the outdoors.    

Kelsey, on the other hand, is f*cking nuts.  I mean rare nuts.  She’s a unicorn in the Crazy Forest.  It’s easy to picture her giggling maniacally while holding a sharp knife in one hand and the severed phallus of her next boyfriend in the other.  The last time I checked, the Crazy Horse Monument was in South Dakota.  Take out the words “horse” and “monument” and it has a lot in common with Kelsey.

Look how Crazy Kelsey is!  

  

Becca arrives for her date with Chris in an understated gray sweater and black jeans.  She looked great.  Horseback riding, camp fires, and REAL country music in the background.  Hell, I would have rolled the cob with Chris to go on that date. I might have even put out too.  Those sorts of things tickle my fancy.  Of course, we all know how much I like my fancy tickled.

Time for a guy’s observation.  Alright, Becca isn’t the shiniest star in the sky when it comes to personality.  She’s quiet, passive, and likely hates attention.  All of that is fine except for the tiny fact that she’s on a reality show competing with 25 peacocks for a chance to move to Iowa.  When she and Chris were alone she made it count.  She clearly made him laugh, appreciated the date, and didn’t over think every second of it.  She let him share what he thought was beautiful and enjoyed herself doing it.  Oh, and she didn’t whine and seek constant reassurance either.  That’s why she’ll be around until the Fantasy Suite. 

Let me bring this full circle. 

Becca wasn’t faking it.  Contrast Ashley and Kelsey. 

“I’m here to win.” 

“I’m not going to get beat.” 

“I can’t believe you like her.” 

“She’s not right for you.”

“Walk after me when I cry in the desert.”

“Help me with my oxygen mask.” 

“I didn’t murder my husband.”

“MY story is amazing.”

“I want to be a princess and go on a princess date.”

“I can’t believe you told her that.”

“I’m a virgin.”

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.” 

Top that off with constant crying, complaining, lying, and sprinkle in what appears to be legitimate life threatening behavior (his, not hers) and you get what you saw in the Badlands on the 2 on 1 date.  He was so over both of them he would have tried flying that copter out of there on his own if Kelsey would have killed the pilot.    

If Becca didn’t like the date, she could choose not to go out with him again.  It’s that simple.  If a guy makes the effort to plan a date showing you what makes him tick, then take note.  If whatever it happens to be is so off-putting to you that you can’t imagine doing it again, then DON’T GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN.  

Convincing yourself you’ll put up with it until he’s on the hook is what’s known as a bait and switch.  That’s a recipe for resentment and pent up anger.   The problem with pent up feelings is, of course, that they eventually explode.  Prevent a man from doing what he truly loves to do and you’ll find yourself wondering why he can’t stand you years into your relationship.  You'll also hate his girlfriend.    

A man will marry a woman he thinks will accept him for who he is rather than what a woman wants him to be.  Final note on this:  Men are who they are the day you meet them and the older they are the less they will ever change.  Put another way, the fence may weather and change color over time, but it’s never going to be anything but a fence.  Becca got a rose for knowing that.   

Cue that crazy xylophone music and pour the women some wine in the morning. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Whitney attempt to confront Kelsey but it’s clear she’s been there before . . . a lot.  I’d love to drop in a joke here but she’s so manipulative it’s frightening.  She does take a moment to remind us how smart she is and that she’s often misunderstood because she knows so many big words. 

Wow.  I have a few big words for you, Kelsey.  How about “Munchausen Syndrome,"  "Sociopath," and “Psychiatric Factitious Behavior?” 

Date Card:  “Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan, Let’s make sweet music together.” 

We all did the math and realized that Kelsey and Ashley get the 2 on 1 by default.  We all put down our chardonnay glasses and high fived the person sitting next to us in anticipation of the desert showdown.  Ashley guarantees herself the rose and we all know that’s a death sentence for both women.   A guaranteed victory hasn’t worked for anyone but Joe Namath, Ashley.  Watch the film, rookie. 

I guarantee Ashley won't win.

  

Big and Rich show up for some reason.  Megan jumps on the bar and looks for a pole before they tell the girls they’ll be writing and performing their own “country” songs.  Jade, who is apparently not shy about flaunting her hoo-ha across the screen in soft core pornographic movies, is inexplicably shy about performing a song with her clothes on.  So be it.   

She gets writer’s block after Big Kenny makes her run down Main Street screaming self-actualizing statements at the top of her lungs.  Jade claims she can’t write a country song while sitting at a hole-in-the-wall bar watching her boyfriend kiss another woman in the corner.  Hey Jade, that’s the first verse of most good country songs.  She clearly doesn’t get the genre. 

 

The best part of that entire thing was when Big and Rich made fun of Chris’ boots and the ill-fitting jeans he wore with them.  I’m glad they did.  I’ve answered a Some Guy Tells All question about boots and jeans before.  Chris—and whatever member of the ABC Wardrobe Department dressed him—clearly hasn’t read it. 

I won’t belabor the date by discussing Britt’s Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful wardrobe or Kaitlyn’s Axl Rose pants.  I was happy to see that Carly finally got a date that accentuated one of her talents—well, other than goat milking and losing to she-men on obstacle courses.

Incidentally, I find it ironic that the only quote I remember from that movie is when Mary Stuart Masterson said to Eric Stoltz, “don’t go mistaking paradise for a long pair of legs.”   As true today as it was in 1987, I suppose.    

Regardless, Britt got the rose after she and Chris “snuck” away to dance horribly on stage at the Big and Rich Concert at the Deadwood County V.F.W. before returning to face the anger and disappointment of the rest of the girls.  Dick move, Chris. Even Kaitlyn cracked.     

Two-on-One Date:  “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.  Let’s have some good times in the Badlands.”

Ignoring the free helicopter ride over Mount Rushmore and the aforementioned Crazy Horse Memorial, Kelsey and Ashely can’t wait to land the damn chopper and get down to the business of trashing each other.  Poor Chris. 

Ashley violated the Rule of all Bachelor Rules by ratting out Kelsey for being the fake that she is.  Kelsey passed the time on the Bachelor bed in the middle of the Badlands by snuggling up with her false sense of security.  Frankly, she looked comfortable in the Badlands.  She’s likely buried a body or two in places similar to that. 

Chris calls her out for “being fake” and drops “Ashley just told me this”. 

“Uh, oh.”  I said between Lone Star sips.  “It’s on now.” 

Kelsey psychotic rant, Take One  . . . . Aaaaand action,   

“She needs to go home ….and …play dress up like she has for the past 24 years.” 

Frankly, she had a point.  “Crazy” doesn’t always live in the same house with "Irrational" and Kelsey demonstrated that she had Ashley pegged.  To be fair, the reverse was also true.

I know what you did. 

Poor Chris comes back from taking a leak somewhere in the Badlands and has to deal with the crying and the carrying on.

“Uh, time for Mr. Bachelor to get back on his helicopter and leave you two bi*ches to eat each other,” would have been my response. 

He was so over the crying and the drama he couldn’t stand it.  It’s a darn good thing Ashley’s mascara was waterproof or the Badlands would have turned into the Black Hills. 

He finally dumps her.  Hymen still in tact, Ashley wanders the desert like Moses in search of the Promise Land--a shopping mall with a Sephora in it.     

The female version of the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party and he cried for Chris Harrison who kicked her off the show removes Ashley’s luggage much to the chagrin of the house bound ladies. 

One down.  One to go.

Chris kind of sort of dumps Kelsey in the most equivocal way possible.  To be fair he was probably in fear of his life.  He didn’t want to have to lock up the sickle in the Iowa barn the rest of his life.  She eventually gets the picture and, as quickly as it appeared, the specter of Kelsey Poe is gone forevermore.   

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—

“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!

  Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

  Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!

 Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my    door!”

            Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

When the female version of the fat guy in the hat who helped Roz pack her sh*t when she cheated on Jake at his own cocktail party and he cried for Chris Harrison who kicked her off the show removes Kelsey’s luggage the remaining women jump for joy.  Even Jade screamed. 

The episode ended with Becca and Chris shooting guns.  Yea, she’s going to the Fantasy Suite. 

Well, there it is.  Episode 6.  We’re down to home towns with . . . 

Whitney

Carly

Britt

Jade (her midriff in full view)

Kaitlyn

Megan

Becca

. . . still remaining.  My guess is that Jade, Becca, and Kaitlyn are the final 3 although I’m not certain about Kaitlyn anymore.  I just don’t see who replaces her after the big trip to Iowa next week.  Britt is an obvious front runner, but based on the previews it looks like she has a meltdown when she finds out the closest Forever 21 is literally hundreds of miles away and they don’t sell red Chuck Taylor high tops in Arlington, Iowa.  Megan and Whitney are on the chopping block but Whitney has been silently gaining ground since her “spontaneous” wedding crash and, while I don’t like her, she’s been a voice of reason in the house. 

We shall see, shan’t we?  Weigh in in the Comments below or on Twitter  @someguyinaustin.  Have a wonderful week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be sharpening my stabbin’ knife in the Badlands. 

DP