Juan Pablo Episodes 8 & 9: Dios Mio

Hello, Readers.  Thanks for your patience over the past week.  I’m on a short leash this coming week as well.  Corpus Christi, Texas is in my near future and I’ll scarcely have time to breath the refinery-tainted air out there before heading back through San Antonio, back to Austin, and jumping on a plane for Colorado Springs, Denver, and some ski and après ski time in Vail with the twin of Some Guy and Some Guy’s childhood friends. 

I’m going to use my gift for consolidation here and break down the Hometown and Fantasy Date of each of the women rather than a play by play which—if we’re all honest—we’ve all forgotten anyway already.  Hell, I won’t even remember half of the women who show up on the Women Tell All this week. 

Now, with no further delay, let’s get to it. 

RENEE

I started this with a “poor Renee” but after thinking about it for a few days I’ve changed my mind.  Like Ben before him, Juan Pablo has succeeded in taking me from an indifferent yet supportive bystander to someone who can’t stand him.   

He’s a one trick monkey—a sexist one trick monkey.   Look, I’m far from Gloria Steinem and I’m no---what’s that Feminine Mystique broad’s name?—Betty Friedan, but my litmus test for that sort of thing is “if it bothers me, it must be bad.”  The way he oooos and ahhhhs and talks about the women bothers me.  I’ll grant him a Latin culture card, but I think what I’m sensing is a little deeper than a simple cultural difference.  He’s also unbelievably self-centered.  I alluded to that a few weeks ago and Andi sure as hell felt that way this week---after her dad pointed it out.  Perhaps Juan Pablo’s smoking hot ex-wife could shed some light on that for us? 

As an aside, I had an extremely militant feminist as a professor in my literary criticism class in college (shocking, I know) who required us to read The Feminine Mystique.  After an entire semester of being shamed for having a penis, I chose to write my final paper criticizing that book—her Bible.  I think my big points were that it seemed to criminalize being a stay at home mother and a member of the middle class in addition to striking me as hostile toward gay people. 

Frankly, at that point in my life I had no idea where I stood on any of those issues.  I just wanted a rise out of the professor.  I got it.  When I got my paper back a few weeks later I turned to the back page to see my grade.  Scrawled heavily in deep red ink was “Mr. SGIA, I could not disagree more with your analysis.  However, even I have to admit that it is well argued.  You have a future if you open your mind to it.  A-.”  I’ll give her credit for being objective in the face of a clear attempt to piss her off.  Even I had to admit that was well played. 

Back to our non-feminist Bachelor. 

Renee walks around on the beach until Juan Pablo shows up in another set of pedicure sandals walking like a five year old who has to pee.  What the hell is it with this guy?  Scarves?  Bright colored flip flops? A collection of V-necks?  He might need to rethink his comments about a gay bachelor not working on television.  Incidentally, I wonder what his response would have been had he been asked about a misogynist bachelor.  I think we know what it would have been?  “What do thees word ‘misogyist’ mean?” 

I was pretty sure at this point that Renee wasn’t headed for a romp in the Fantasy Suite.  It’s a shame that she wasn’t aware of it.  The look on the kid’s face when he met Juan Pablo was classic.  I’m surprised he didn’t look at Renee and say, “are you serious with this guy?”  I’d be willing to bet that’s the exact reaction the kid’s dad had, however. 

Juan Pablo meets the fam.  They all seemed nice, down-to-earth, normal people with Renee and Ben’s best interest in mind.  Her mother and father’s “you’re an adult and we support you even if we don’t agree with you” reaction mirrored Nikki’s family’s reaction; both of which were in stark contrast to Clare and Andi’s families’ “I want you to do what I think is best for you because of the way this affects my feelings” reactions.  More about that later. 

Juan Pablo underwhelms.  So much so that Renee can’t bring herself to tell her she loves him.   You know what?  If you can’t say it, you don’t mean it. 

Turns out that her indecisiveness in Florida proved fortuitous by the time she struck out at the Rose Ceremony.  She was understandably disappointed but kept it together well and assepted what happened with dignity.  She accidentally hit the nail on the head when she said “this is ridiculous.”  She also wisely observed, “you can’t force anyone to love you.”  

Finally, a woman on the show who reads my blog.  She gets it and he’s an idiot for not picking her.  If she’d have shut up there she’d have scored a 100 on how to come in fourth place; however, she had to end it by saying “there’s not a lot of guys like Juan Pablo.”  

I beg to differ.  You can stand in downtown South Beach, throw a maraca in any direction, and hit a Juan Pablo.  Dime a dozen, Renee.  Sorry you "lost", but my guess is you’ll be much happier than the actual “winner.” 

Renee is a nice person.  It's impossible to know her flaws or her true personality, but from what I saw, I believe she deserves to be happy.  She's not Bachelorette material, but I'm certain we'll see her again.  

"Keep love in your heart.   A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."  ---Oscar Wilde

Renee will find a flower-filled, sun-soaked garden one day.  

CLARE

Clare  wanders in Sacramento amongst the flowers.  Juan Pablo shows up in (soo-price) a t-shirt. It’s a good thing he dressed up to meet the family.   Clare talks and talks about her dead father.  It was sad, really.  Sad not because of her giant loss but because she cheapened it by talking about it on the show.  “Get to the hostile sister,” I said aloud between Lone Star sips.  Fortunately, they heard me.   

Lilia, Lisa, Laura, Madeline, Julie, Ernie constitute the gauntlet.  They sidestep the beach bang and tell Odysseus-esque tales about their adventures.  I pulled that analogy out of the clear blue sky; however, like Odysseus, Juan Pablo did, in fact, see a lot of action in the ocean.  Annnyyyhooo. . . .

Clare searches for approval---hard.  The sisters bust his balls a bit and he makes every answer about himself.  Laura—the sister who will inevitably contest mom’s Will and be the first one over at the house trolling through her jewelry box after her mother dies—goes absolutely crazy.    

That sucks for Clare.  The real issue hiding beneath the fire pit was the fact that the entire family had not let go of Clare’s father.  That family would benefit much more from a visit from Dr. Jamie rather than Juan Pablo.  The “Perfect Man” is difficult if not impossible to live up to.   Juan Pablo is not going to be filling those zapatos any time soon.   

On the Fantasy Date Clare downplays the fingerbang in the ocean in addition to actually using the word “crazy” to describe her family.  It’s been a rough go for Clare this season.  She’s a 30-something in a field of hot 20-somethings with nothing substantive to offset the age difference.  The fact that Juan Pablo can’t see beyond his own nose doesn’t help her cause. 

Clare did a less than convincing job pretending that she had doubts about heading to the Fantasy Suite after foregoing the foreplay.  Her white dress didn’t exactly extoll the virtues of a chaste woman and all Juan Pablo had to do to close the deal was to spout off some garbage about the value of alone time.  After all, he tells us, “thas when jew get to know these person.”  Clare is ready to bang her way into a Neil Lane creation and he knew it.    

Keeping up the façade, she asks, “Is it weird I want to meet Camilla?” 

I waited for him to respond, “Not at all.  Nikki met her three weeks ago.”  Total burn, Clare.  Total burn.    

Juan Pablo is aware Clare is in heat and after touching her face to confirm it, they close the deal in the Suite.   They spend some bal-u-a-bull time in the ha-coo-zee as well.   Clare earned her rose.  Frankly, they might deserve each other.     

ANDI

Rather than belabor Juan Pablo’s trip to Atlanta, I’d like to speak about the entire interaction with the family and her subsequent reaction to the Fantasy Suite date from the familiar and comfortable confines of my soapbox.  Here goes. 

It was apparent from the get-go where Andi gets her control issues.  Dad was none too happy about having a camera crew in his castle and even less happy about having a shady Venezuelan attempting to charm the one-piece off his daughter. 

He was rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful to Andi and Juan Pablo the entire time.   Before we all deal with the “that’s his little girl and she always will be” argument, let me “ass jew a kwesh-un.”  

Do any of you honestly think that Nikki’s parents were any more thrilled than Andi’s about their little angel trouncing all over the world with a promiscuous Latin stranger and bringing him into their homes after knowing him only a few weeks before heading to a tropical island with him and two other women so he can take them all for a test drive? 

The answer to that, by the way, is hell no.    Here’s the difference:  Renee’s family and Nikki’s family both went with “you’re a responsible adult and we trust your judgment.  We will support you even if we don’t agree.”  Even Andi’s sister had a version of that when she told her that she respected her but just didn’t see the attraction.  These are 26-32 year old adult women and, in Andi’s case, she has a doctorate and a career.  These are not children we’re talking about. 

In my humble opinion, both Andi’s dad and Clare’s evil sisters were not trying to protect Andi or Clare.  Rather, they were trying to protect their own feelings about the (to be fair) odd situation they’d been asked to endure.  

Their reactions were not about wanting Clare or Andi to be happy.   Their reactions were attempts to control the situation by dictating an outcome that they didn’t have to be uncomfortable with.  Loving and respecting someone often means surrendering your own feelings in deference to theirs.  Granted, there are exceptions, but bringing the Bachelor home for dinner is not one of them.  Her father can’t be naïve enough to think that his little girl has made it through the first 26 years of her life without being felt up by a less than desirable suitor.   

Mark Twain wrote, “Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.” 

It was apparent from Clare’s family that they all have problems letting things go.  I think that was apparent with Andi’s family as well.  In fact, I think Andi’s little “you don’t know me” rant on her way out the door was

A. Precipitated by her father’s disapproval, i.e., an excuse for her to leave and,

B.  A desperate attempt on her part to control Juan Pablo’s reaction. 

After all, if she really wanted out as badly as she said she did, his “Eees Ok, Eees Fine” would have sufficed.  Putting it in Twain’s terms, they all have their laws to abide by, but the respect and love they share for their sister and daughter should breed right conduct rather than judgment.  I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

Juan Pablo shows up to meet Andi post-hometown in a hyper-gay hot pink tank top with green trim and cargo shorts.  We assume he washed off all traces of Clare with that blue water she keeps her combs and scissors in.

He has a soo-price for Andi.  Another waterfall.  Hey, it worked the first time.  Why not?  He then leads her into the bush hoping she’ll return the favor in the Fantasy Suite later (subtle, I know).   

So as not to upset her father, Andi sports yet another one piece in a waterfall before pulling her hombre hair back and heading to dinner so she can tell Juan Pablo that she’s just about pretty close to possibly almost loving him someday.   

His response?  “Jew are preeety ee-see.”  Like Clare?  I wondered.  He is yet again dismissive.     

My guess is that Juan Pablo was no more dismissive, sexist, and self-involved in the Fantasy Suite than he was at dinner.   Still, she chose to forego the foreplay and readily headed to the Fantasy Suite—where there is no doubt in my mind she slept with him. 

Back to Gloria Steinem for a moment. 

Look, she’s a consenting adult and so is he.  If she wants to sleep with him, that’s her choice and her business.  However, after making that choice under what appeared to be neither duress nor intoxication, she should own it rather than “realizing he’s not the man she thought he was.”  Sorry, but I’m not buying it.  Andi wanted out because her family hated Juan Pablo.  She found a reason after she got what she wanted:  a free trip to St. Lucia and a roll in the hay with Juan Pablo. 

Oh, and for those of you who disagree, let me put you a bit at ease.  There’s no doubt that she was correct about Juan Pablo’s lack of attention to anything but his tank tops.  My point is not that she was justified in feeling the way she did.  My point is that I don’t believe a woman as astute and well-groomed as she is suddenly awoke in the Fantasy Suite to an epiphany that he wasn’t “The One.”  I hope she got loaded on the plane ride home.  By the way, how do you think the old man will react when he sees the waterfall date?  Ooof.  

NIKKI

Kansas City Bar-B-Que, Beers, a honky tonk, and a mechanical bull.  Frankly, I can’t think of a better date.  Every bit of it was wasted on Juan Pablo.  After showing up in some kind of Poke-a-hontas halter top and flowly church window pants Nikki and Juan Pablo go for a horse ride in his tank top where he makes a ton of sexually charged comments about Nikki. 

Mrs. SGIA (who is incidentally about as laid back as it gets):  He’s a pig. 

Sadly, I have to agree with her.  He’s proven to be as shallow as his command of the English language.  He can’t eat ribs, two-step, or ride a mechanical bull but he can salsa dance?  I glossed over the fact that he can’t shoot a gun either.  Dios Mio.  Look, far be it from me to project my own version of masculinity upon Juan Pablo but come on now.  At least one out of the four would have been semi-acceptable.    

SGIA:  (shaking head and getting up to go to the bathroom after seeing Juan Pablo on the bull)

Mrs. SGIA:  You want me to hit pause?

SGIA:  Please don’t. 

Deen-er with Nee-kee was pointless.  She tried really hard to open up.  She did well, but again, he was oblivious and myopic.

Harrison meeting.  Harrison sets up the big Andi confrontation.  The fact that Juan Pablo was clueless as to what went on proves Andi’s point.  He was literally too self-absorbed to even remotely sense there was a problem.  I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn’t fake everything in the Fantasy Suite.   

Harrison does his best to set up the Andi confrontation by turning the butter knife slowly. I love knowing Harrison knows what Juan Pablo doesn’t know and that we know that Harrison knows but Juan Pablo doesn’t know what Harrison knows. 

Rose Ceremony. 

They all looked incredible. 

Harrison earns his paycheck.  He drops the “so difficult” “gravity of the situation” talk.  

Ladies, Juan Pablo…whenever you're ready.

Nikki

v.

Clare

Man, wait until Nikki finds out about Clare in the ocean.  He couldn’t even talk his way past Andi when he was over it. 

Well, there it is.  A late summary of the last two shows.  As mentioned, I’m traveling more than a Bachelor pre-production site scout this week.  Weigh in on my comments and let me know what you think.  In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be drinking a giant scotch and water trying to rid my home of a shady, poly-amorous, Venezuelan.  DP