Desiree Bachelorette Episode 5: World War Douche

Hello, Readers.  I think I speak for us all when I say that Monday night’s episode was about as pleasant as a barium enema.  Top that off with the fact that I cracked a molar in half and can’t get to the dentist until Thursday and you’ll understand why I’m a tad cranky today. 

By the way, how many substances to you think they tried before they got to barium in the enema invention process?   Never mind.  Let’s get to it.  With the Amazing Count at a still red hot 87 and the Journey Count at a stabilizing 25 we’re well on our way to figuring out who will earn the right to possibly propose to Desiree in hopes of tenuously becoming her fiancé for an indeterminate, albeit inevitably finite, period of time while moving toward either a made-for-television free wedding or a messy and humiliating tabloid breakup.

I missed the first 8 minutes of the show this week but I can probably recite to you with Kreskin-like accuracy what happened.  Frankly, that’s what I’d refer to as a “happy mistake.”  I’m sure Harrison showed up.  Rules were read, pastel color hoodies were donned, V-necks abounded, Michael whined, Ben bad guyed, and Desiree brooded knowingly in Munich.  Am I close? 

After realizing he wanted to hit the road while he was in the United States Bryden confirms his suspicions after traveling across the ocean to Germany.  He’s so sure about it, in fact, he rushes to interrupt Des' date with Chris; the one guy who appears actually interested in whatever it is Desiree has to say.   I have to say that Bryden’s abrupt departure struck a chord with me.  How bad is she that he couldn’t just stick around and enjoy the free hors doerves, or whatever the German name for tiny finger food happens to be?  Brutal.  

By the way, for those of you who are interested in what a departure like that means in guy language it means that Bryden has some girl back home who is better than Des and who he misses tremendously.  There’s no other explanation.  He’s basically that Rated R schmuck with the presence of mind to keep his mouth (and his cell phone) shut. 

Prior to Bryden’s unceremonious interruption, Des takes to emasculating Chris in the middle of town by dressing him in lederhosen,  having him approach locals with Zagats’ How to Sprechen ze German book, skipping through town square with a purse around his shoulder (that didn’t even match his shoes for crying out loud), and generally making him gush over her (alleged) wonderfulness. 

BOOORRRING

Bryden busts in, dumps her, and high tails it to back to the States.  Insecurity marches across the square like the German army across the Champs-Elysees circa 1940.  Chris had to deal with the fallout but got a Default Rose after listening to her bitch about Bryden’s timing.   Uh, hey Des, give Fleiss a call, would you?  What a drag. 

"Can you believe Bryden left?"

Des and Chris head to some place called the Munich Residence that looked a lot like the Police Wrapped Around Your Finger video.  Des relaxed in purple as I scoured the background for Sting. 

"Can you believe Bryden left?  He's so not tantric."

Chris scores great points with sincerity but she doesn’t seem like she’s into him.  Either she’s hard to read or none of these dudes puts the saur in her kraut or the weiner in her schnitzel; although I suspect she'll be seeing a lot of that in the Fantasy Suite.  Des regales us with stories of boyfriends past telling us she’s dated more than one guy who was “Unexpressive”.  I doubt there’s a German word for that word because that’s not even an English word.  Details. 

Chris reads yet another bad poem he wrote on the plane after undoubtedly discovering that the Sudoku puzzle in the in-flight magazine had already been completed. . . in pen, no less.  After all, there’s only so many times a person can thumb through a Sky Mall before resorting to the composition of mediocre poetry.  Regardless,  he gets a rose.

Incidentally, I fly quite a bit and I've developed a fascination with the Garden Yeti offered in the Sky Mall.  I wonder how many of those they've sold.  It's not every day a person is solicited to purchase a 36 inch replica of an elusive bi-pedal hominoid at 36,000 feet.  Annyyhoooo . . . 

"Can you believe Bryden left?"

Private concert time.  Des has “one more surprise.”  Surprise indeed.  They both fight the urge to say aloud what I said at home “who the f*ck is that guy?”  Matt White?  Who the f*ck is that guy?  Hell, I had a better chance of catching a glimpse of the Garden Yeti than recognizing this guy.  His lyrics were worse than Chris’ poem.  He actually rhymed “happy” with “sappy.”   He sounded and looked like James Blunt and Mikey T. had a kid.  I missed Chicago and Jeffery Osborn and again scoured the background in search of Sting.   He was probably busy being tantric or whatever.   

Group Date Card.  “Will you climb the highest mountain with me? Desiree.” 

Notwithstanding the fact that there was no climbing involved on this date Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey snowsuit up and try and make the most of it. Michael and Ben prepare for their sword fight . . . errr . . . Two on One Date back at the hotel. 

Great, The Whiner and the A-hole.  Little did we know that those were terms that could be used interchangeably on either guy during the date. Michael uses Gladiator metaphors despite being in Germany.  I suppose there’s some historical precedent for the Romans in Germany, but I’m also pretty sure he’s not aware of it. 

Group Date. Des says that she and the boys are going “up the gondola”.  Sigh.  No, Des.  You’re actually going up the mountain ON the gondola.  While I took in the scenery I couldn’t help but realize how metrosexual this bunch is this time around.  Perhaps Des digs that look or perhaps masculinity takes a back seat to color symbolism and designer scarves.  A couple of them looked like the should be yodeling in another guy’s canyon rather than machoing it out for Des’ temporary affections. 

In what was perhaps the most apropos metaphor for the status of the franchise, the entire cast goes cascading out of control down the side of a mountain.   They all retire to a claustrophobic ice castle for drinks and drama.  That place looked like Superman’s gay brother’s version of the Fortress of Solitude.  After some one on one with Brooks Des gives Mikey some snowman time.  Frankly, he should have sculpted himself an ice limo for his ride to the Munich Airport.  We all realized that the plumbing contractor/Crossfit gym owner’s dreams were about to be flushed down ze toilet.  

Zak pretty much hit the handle on the side of the tank when he yodels AND he brings booze.   Zak tells the “I dumped the priesthood” story and lays it on thick.  I was waiting for him to say that his big soul searching trip to Munich back in the day lead him to realize that instead of wanting to be called “Father” he realized that he’d rather be called “Daddy.”  So much for the monastery.    

In keeping with the Prop 8 theme, 4 of the dudes snuggle under furry blankets in the ice living room.  That was weird. 

James and Mikey cuddle a bit and bemoan Hitler’s unfair treatment of Mussolini as they plot to take over the metrosexual wing of the cast.  The other guys gossip in the bedroom like a bunch of teenage girls at a slumber party.  I was waiting for Rizzo to jump out the window and Sandy to go sing Hopelessly Devoted to herself on the back porch.  Again, very weird. 

"I can believe Bryden left."

Des “expecially” had a great time. "Expecially?"  Man, she's so unexpressive.  She gives the Group Date Rose to Brooks in light of the German tongue twister he slapped on her earlier in the evening.   Nice work, Brooks.  It didn’t hurt that Brooks knows a little German.   That’s him below.

"Michael sucks and I can't believe Bryden left."

 

Awkwardness begins.  Chris, Michael, Ben sweat it out in the suite.  Date Card.  “”Michael and Ben, Let’s heat things up! Desiree.  Harrison “two guys one roses” them and Michael turns into an a-hole.  Des shows up in her Mary Tyler Moore hat and off we go. 

I won’t belabor the point here.  We’ve all seen how uncomfortable this date is but I think Michael broke new ground in the Jerkoff of the Year Contest.  Frankly, she should have sent both of them packing.  I’ll give Ben a lot of credit for holding his tongue.  I wouldn’t have put up with that nonsense.   

When Michael dropped “absentee father” on Ben it was clear that there was more to his patent insecurity than we first imagined.  He reveals that his own dad left thereby tipping his hand.  Now, it makes sense.  Freud was Austrian and that’s close enough to Germany to pin all of this on Michael’s deep seeded abandonment and Daddy issues.  I was disappointed in Des for letting the chastising go on as long as it did; particularly when Michael attacked Ben’s son.  Not cool.   

Des mercifully (for her and us) grabs the rose.  She fills the room with more platitudes than candles and gives it to Michael because she has to.  See ya, Ben.  By the way, you dodged a bullet.  Go be a dad again.

Rose Ceremony

Harrison fills dead air time (what does that say about the quality of the footage from this season?) in the portable Lair of Seclusion with the head shots.  He turns the screws as only Harrison can do calling Des out for her indiscriminant sucking of faces. 

With Ben gone, now James is suddenly the bad guy for wanting something other than Des as a temporary fiancé out of his appearance on the show.  Des shuts down the cocktail party and there’s a lot of banter about “true colors,” “right reasons,” and “moral integrity.” Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes, can’t it? 

Des decides that in light of her prompt decision making the cocktail party is “too much to put them through.”  What?  Drinking and relaxing?  This show is too much to put anyone through WITHOUT a cocktail.  The roses get handed out and, sadly, it’s Mikey T. who loses the battle but will ultimately win the war.  He finished high enough to be recognizable and low enough not to be bothered by the media.  Nice work, Mikey T.  Lose James’ cell phone number and you’ll do just fine in the Crossfit business.    

Roses

1. Brooks
2. Chris Who?
3. Michael
4. Zak (Fantasy Finalist, mark my words)
5. Kasey
6. Juan Pablo (I love this guy, by the way)
7. Drew Pavelka
8. James (arrivederci very soon, schmucko)

Gone

Bryden

Ben

Mikey

Well, there it is.  We’re one step closer.  Take care of yourselves.   In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be listening to Sting while writing poetry on an airplane.   DP