FIFTH UPDATE: Stuff Chicks Like

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE UPDATE POSTED APRIL 27th

Well hello again. After a much needed hiatus I’m back in action. Honestly, I strongly considered blogging about Dancing with the “Stars” and American Idol, but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch either show. I hope you all understand. I thought it was bad enough I had to watch Jake fake himself around the beach for 10 weeks before ending up with that ticking time bomb Vienna in perhaps the most pathetic season in Bachelor history (notice how I’m easing into this entry by subtly dusting off my Bachelor-speak).

However, when I tuned in to the first episode of DWTS, I couldn’t bear to watch it. It was like trying to watch one of those PETA videos where they sneak a camera into a slaughterhouse by hiding it in a hillbilly’s overalls and you see how they make ham. My desire to watch was purged quicker than a piece of dry toast after a Bachelorette breakfast buffet. That being said, I’m sorry to all of you for not providing a time wasting outlet at work for the past 5 weeks. Incidentally, for those of you who need an excellent time wasting outlet at work (who doesn’t?) check out www.ihategreenbeans.com. Lincee Ray is a fellow blogger—actually, she’s far more accomplished than little ole me. Her blog—in my vernacular—is Money. Check it out.

Speaking of Lincee, she was kind enough to send me an email asking if I’d fallen off the face of the Earth. That email got me thinking which, considering the fact that I spend most of my life in the delicate balance between sobriety and forgetting what type of car I own, is not easy to do. What should I write about if I’m not writing about reality TV?

INSERT XYLOPHONE AND BLURRY DREAM SEQUENCE GRAPHIC HERE

And then, like Jeffery Osborne on an After the Rose special, it magically appeared. I knew what I would do. Ok, here goes.

I plan to call this series of posts “Stuff Chicks Like.” For the next four weeks I will be going and doing something that women like to do in order to comment on it from the male perspective. With that said, I should probably make a few disclaimers.

First, I am not now and do not plan on being homosexual. Why is that relevant? It’s relevant because I’m a “guy.” While I’m sensitive, handsome, neat, and in touch with my emotions, I’m still very male. That should make some of these field trips interesting.

Second, I plan to experience all of these things as a man. I’m not putting on a fat suit like Tyler Perry or dressing up like Swayze and Snipes in that God awful movie about Wang Chung or whatever. I’m merely an observer, not an infiltrator.

Third, I need your assistance to decide what 4 things I’m going to explore. I’ve brainstormed and come up with a few options. I’ll take your emails and comments and put the final list to a vote. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

1. Mani/Pedi (the most obvious)

2. Attend a pilates class (I already do

yoga..well, I try)

3. Spend a day wearing a thong (of course it would match my outerwear)

4. Go to a wine bar with three friends and complain about women

5. Spend a day shopping and trying on clothes (God, this one will be tough)

6. Drink fruity drinks all night

Ok, that should be enough to get us started. What do you all think? Please post suggestions and comments below. Have I missed something? Book club? Baby showers? Seasonal Farmer’s Markets? Let me know.

You can also email me at dp010835@gmail.com. I look forward to seeing how the other half lives. Susan B. Anthony had nothing on me.

UPDATE APRIL 22:

WOW. I really didn’t expect the immediate, passionate, and overwhelming response that this post created. I figured that since I’d been gone for 5 weeks I’d be nothing more than a happy footnote in the nether regions of your minds—at least until the Bachelorette begins. In reading the responses, it became abundantly clear that narrowing this down to 4 things will be a difficult task. Since everyone but one of you prefers email as opposed to posting a comment, I’ll share the suggestions below.

To date, I’ve received 159 emails and one comment (thanks, Mary). The vast majority of those emails suggest that I “wax something”—and by “something”, I mean the ole wedding tackle and its various appurtenances. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I want to point out that I purposely entitled this series of posts Stuff Chicks “LIKE,” not Painful Stuff Chicks Do Because They Have to Avoid Looking Like German Pornography Stars from the Waist Down. HOWEVER, in light of the overwhelming desire expressed by you—my loyal readers—I will leave waxing on the table. If next week’s vote includes waxing (Deep Breath, DP, Deep Breath), I’ll do it. I may enlist one of you to come to Austin and hold my hand, though.

The remainder of the requests run from the simple—Attend a Baby Shower—to the ridiculous—an incredibly graphic set of instructions on how to mimic an entire menstrual cycle. Thank you all for your emails and comments. Keep them coming. I’ll narrow the list to my favorite 10 suggestions next Wednesday and the voting will end on Friday. My first task will take place on Saturday. Yes, I know I need an advance appointment for a waxing—I’ll cross that giant bridge when I come to it.

Here’s the list along with the first thought that popped into my head when I read each suggestion.

7. Get highlights and a partial foil (that sounds dirty, but I’ve been assured it’s not)

8. Wax Something (oh man, what did I get myself into?)

9. Go to lunch with my Dad (funny, but way too easy)

10. Go out dancing in a circle with my friends (There’s no way in hell I could get my friends to do this one. Sorry)

11. Go shopping for shoes to match an item of clothing I already own. (does white count?)

12. Get pregnant (solid, but I’m not even going consider this one)

13. Wear a bra (no)

14. Build a “diaper cake” (I like this one)

15. Go to a Bunko night (what the f*ck is Bunko?)

16. Eat a pint of ice cream while watching a Lifetime movie (I’ll check the listings to see what Woman Victimized by Man story is on next weekend)

17. Sleep with someone I barely know and then cry to my friends about it (I’d need help with the crying part)

18. Work out in matching shoes, shorts, and shirt (this one might be too easy too)

19. Stay on the Stairmaster while reading and entire issue of Shape Magazine (again, too easy)

20. Spend $400 on throw pillows (whoever made that suggestion can send me $400 and I’ll do it)

21. Buy a basket full of stuff from Bed, Bath, Bodyworks, Linens, and Beyond and Things and return half of it the next day. (I like this one too)

22. Take a Cardio Striptease or Pole Dancing Class (I’ll look into it)

Well, there it is: a consolidated list of what I’ve received so far. Keep them coming!

SECOND UPDATE: APRIL 23

Ok, keeping up with this on my lunch hour is proving difficult. I'll go hungry today. I'm all about the sacrifice. My real job is keeping me busy today. Imagine that.

Wow, I’m still in amazement at the level of responses. Oddly enough—and I swear this is true—I received a solicitation from a Russian woman looking for a “man with funny humor to show me your country.” Anyone have Jerry Lewis' number? I'll confess that I created a separate folder in my inbox for that one. The email count is around 215 now and I've also received suggestions via Facebook from those who have double top secret security clearance into my non-blogging persona.

Notwithstanding my impending Russian nuptials—maybe her dad is like some rich Russian czar or something—the show must go on. The list is growing and it’s clear that many of you want me to suffer. Just remember that I didn't invent the gender rules. I'm just peeking on the other side of the line for a bit. I’ve taken the suggestions I received yesterday after my posting and consolidated them below. I’ll let this run through the weekend and through Wednesday of next week and then I’ll narrow the list to my top 10 choices based on what I think I can get done and what I think will be the most entertaining. I’ll put those 10 to a vote on Wednesday and Thursday, post the top 4 results on Friday and off we go.

Incidentally, I had a significant amount of requests for me to undergo various plastic surgery procedures, including botox, lip injections, and breast implants. Obviously, that’s not going to happen. I’m Some Guy in Austin, not Lisa Rinna. I do, however, appreciate those emails and I appreciate y'all having fun with this.

The latest list:

23. Call someone a BFF (I asked my BFF about this and he said it’s too easy)

24. Ask for directions (I have a GPS, but it was a good thought)

25. Use coupons (this is more of a Stuff Housewives Like to Do thing)

26. Get my makeup done at Neiman Marcus (this actually made me laugh, but I’m not dressing up. Besides, I wouldn’t know if I should choose smoky eyes or something more natural)

27. Shop for a wedding dress (this has been done—Google Dennis Rodman)

28. Get a spray tan (this one might actually work)

29. Weigh myself every day (this one will work too, but it will have to be incidental to all of my other activities. Even I couldn’t fill up a page about this)

30. Sit outside a restaurant during lunch and see how many cute girls, walk by and make bedroom eyes at a couple to see if they’ll come over and ask you out (This is a good idea, but it doesn’t translate to male behavior. Women can get away with this but I might as well buy a trench coat and sit in a park if I did this)

31. Wear high heels (again, I’m not dressing up. I also don’t have a pair to match my after 5 dress)

32. Tweezing (I’m considering this one. How long does it take for an eyebrow to grow back?)

33. Refusing sex to a partner who is “bad” (My female audience clearly can’t appreciate how bad a woman would have to be for a man to refuse sex. Thanks for getting creative, though)

34. Say it’s your birthday and wear a tiara around downtown (This is one of my favorites. However, men who wear tiaras downtown in Austin tend to congregate around 4th Street where they lose their shirts, drink sangria, and dance the night away to Duran Duran)

35. Get a tramp stamp (that’s so 2003)

36. Drink tons of water out of the same bottle all day (I love this one. Again, more of an incidental thing. I’ll probably incorporate this one into my other activities).

Thank you all again for the responses. I’ll be updating the list as suggestions come in. I suspect the suggestion frenzy will slow down, but I could be wrong. DP

UPDATE 3: POSTED APRIL 24

Alright, it’s officially the weekend and I’m still getting email suggestions. I love it. I’ve also received a follow up clarification on the “diaper cake.” I’ve been given a “recipe” with pictures. Frankly, that one is looking like a final 4, but I’ll let y’all decide. The thought of me running into Wal-Mart or wherever to purchase a giant bag of diapers, rubber bands, tape, ribbon, and some what nots should be enough to garner some votes.

I have to give the latest round of email senders credit for coming up with some really good suggestions. The vote will be tough. The new list is below with—as always—my comments.

37. Eat Lean Cuisines for lunch (this is funny and very doable. However, it might not be chicky enough)

38. Bed and Breakfast with friends (this is legit too. Again, the odds of me getting a few friends to participate are as slim as Jake and Vienna’s relationship blossoming)

39. Go to the ballet (good, but I’d have to go it alone)

40. Read a self-help relationship book and discuss it with friends (That sounds like a lot of work)

41. Go to home décor and seasonal holiday stores (this one falls into the list of places guys don’t go unless they are forced to, in the doghouse, or spend 2 weeks a year on Fire Island. I’d have to know what to look for)

42. Go to a winery or lavender farm (lavender farm? This one has potential provided I can figure out what a lavender farm looks like)

43. Replace at least one meal with Slim Fast (classic)

44. Wash my face before I go to bed (I’ll pick up some cotton balls today)

45. Watch “When Love is Not Enough” on CBS (apparently, this is a Lifetime equivalent airing next week. It’s a possibility.)

46. Bedazzle my iPhone case (funny, but what happens when this little experiment is over? Is there an unbedazzeler?)

47. Go see the new Sex and the City movie (Please don’t make me do this)

48. Shave my legs and underarms for a few weeks (it was suggested that this is more miserable than the waxing since it happens every day. I see the logic. I will confess that I’ve shaved my legs for various triathlons and races in the past. It is a pain.)

49. Replace one meal a day with a Slim Fast (Lean Cuisine for lunch. Slim Fast for dinner. Hmmm, we may be on to something.)

Do lunges at the gym or sit ups on that giant rubber ball (Definitely something chicks like. However, it may be difficult to blog about)

Well, there it is. We’re up to close to 260 emails and 49 viable suggestions if I eliminate dressing up, plastic surgery, and consolidate the rest. Keep sending and look for the Top 10 on Wednesday so you can vote. If you need me, I’ll be in the feminine products aisle.

DP

UPDATE 4: APRIL 26

Good Lord! The suggestions are coming in faster than I can type. The good news is that they are starting to become really repetitive and are easily compartmentalized. The latest ones are below. I’ll narrow the list down to the Top 10 on Wednesday. Keep them coming.

50. Scrapbook (Do beer bottle caps and bar tab receipts count?)

51. Tape the Young and the Restless for a week (I like this one, but I have to confess to watching General Hospital when I was in college. I rooted for Jagger and Karen to break up because I really wanted Brenda to be happy)

52. Watch Oprah (that’s like drinking from the Holy Grail. I’ll consider it.)

53. Shop for Candles (I like this one)

54. Host a Pampered Chef party (does that mean I have to rent a donkey?)

55. Go to a “tea room” (is that anything like a bath house?)

56. Try to get tickets to Oprah (with my luck, I’d end up landing a pair)

57. Go to the Oprah store (Good idea. I’ll buy a fake Stedman mustache)

58. Take a hot bath with scented oils and read People magazine (I might reserve this for week 4 after I finish my last task. Also, I think US Magazine is better. I like that section where they catch stars wearing the same thing and then insult the one who looks the worst in it.)

59. Take a sewing workshop at a fabric store (this is a really good one. I’ll look into it. The closest I ever got to this was taking a class at Home Depot on how to finish out my moulding)

60. Watch Sixteen Candles’ Jake Ryan in the Porsche scene over and over (that’s just as much a guy movie, but the Jake Ryan part is classic. There’s no way that guy would have fallen for a dog like Molly Ringwald, though)

61. Host a bridal shower (nice try)

62. Go on a Home and Garden tour (I actually did attend a tour of homes and an azalea tour a few years ago. Boooooooorrrrrrring)

63. Go to a chick concert (I’ll have to see who is on tour. I once gave away front row seats to a Celine Dion concert that I won in a contest, though)

64. Lay out (funny)

65. Meet a friend for coffee but order tea (funny, but too simple)

66. Visit a craft place (does Michael’s count, or are there fancier, more girly ones?)

67. Buy all new underwear and throw out the old ones (I can think of no reason to ever throw away a perfectly broken in pair of underwear. If you’re wondering, I wear the boxer briefs. It’s the comfort of a boxer with the support of a brief)

68. Do a home workout video (I’ll see if I can dig up a Jane Fonda video. P90X is as male as it gets for workout videos)

69. Invite friends over to make a “mix tape”—I suppose we can use iTunes (Good idea, but the, “hey *insert friend’s name* do you want to come over and make a mix tape?” question is not going to fly with my friends)

70. Something called “Vajazzelling”—I’ve been told to Google Jennifer Love Hewitt (I really don’t even want to know about this one)

71. Count carbs, calories, and fat grams (good)

72. Wear Spanx (where can I buy them?)

73. Carry a purse for a day (No. I’m from Austin, not France)

74. Take a belly dancing class (this one depends on how drunk I am when I post the top 10 list)

75. Make a list of everything I don't like about my body and then share it with friends. (I'm too good looking. Does that qualify?)

There it is. 300 plus emails and 74 excellent suggestions not involving plastic surgery, cross dressing, or make up. Keep them coming.

DP

UPDATE FIVE: April 27th.

Frankly, I'm speechless. I think the suggestions came full circle today. See comment 23. The ONLY other suggestion I got today, you're wondering.

Use The Rabbit.

Classic.

Top 10 will be posted for the vote on Wednesday afternoon and I'll post the final 4 Friday. I'll complete the first task and post about it as I always do on Tuesday just before lunch so the AM slackers will have something to do before ducking out for lunch and the PM slackers will have something to do right after getting back from lunch.

Enjoy! DP