Hello,
Readers. Well, it’s week 6 but it sure
feels a hell of a lot like weeks 1-5, doesn’t it? Aside from Nick crying more than little girl on the playground with a scraped knee the season has been rather uneventful. I suppose it’s a good thing that Nick hasn’t
(yet) defiled anyone (as far as we know), but that might change next week if
Corinne and her (allegedly) platinum “vagine” have anything to say about
it. Good Lord. This is what passes for entertainment these
days.
Fresh
off last week’s highbrow lecture about “emotional intelligence” Taylor literally
and figuratively heads out in a bit of a different direction. You’ll recall she was left to the mercy of a
chanting voodoo tribe after being dumped like a load of hot mulch in the swamp
when Nick chose Corinne over her on the dreaded two-on-one date. “It’s “absolute bullshit that I’m going home,”
she whines as she walks through the woods to the heretofore unannounced
location of Nick and Corinne’s dinner.
“Absolute
bullshit.” Man, you have to love a lady. By the way, did anyone else wonder how she
knew where to go? Maybe the tarot card
lady told her or maybe the Queen of Cups foretold the dinner location? I didn’t see a compass.
Regardless,
Taylor shows up braless and fresh off the voodoo ritual to cock block Corinne
at the victory dinner. “What the f*ck is
she doing here,” wonders Corinne aloud.
Again, you have to love a lady.
Look, I’m no puritan and Lord knows I have a foul mouth but both of
these women could use a few etiquette lessons from Henry Freaking Higgins. I was going to say from Emily Post but I read
her book recently and she lost all credibility in my eyes. An entire book on manners and there’s not one
chapter on farting.
Back
to Nick.
Nick
looked so over it he could barely prevent himself from rolling his eyes and
sighing. Corinne occupies herself as she
always does: by pounding flutes of free
champagne. Taylor takes him outside for
. . . well, I’m not sure why she took him outside.
As Whitney would find out later in the show,
Nick’s decision was made the first time he told her to go home and the answer,
not surprisingly, was still “no” when she wandered back from the malaria
infested swamp seeking redemption. She confirmed what we
were all thinking last week: that she’s hardly
emotionally intelligent.
Boooorrrriiinnggggg.
Let’s
face it, Nick deserved a little taste of the medicine he’s been doling out on
the past 4 reality shows but we certainly didn’t. Taylor didn’t do herself any favors and
eventually wanders off camera to begin filling out her Bachelor in Paradise application.
Corinne barely manages to keep it cool but can’t resist a “what
happened” when Nick sits back down. Corinne
gloats. Why not? She earned it.
The
girls get a carriage ride to the Rose Ceremony after getting more dressed up than a
sore finger. Sternums abound. I haven’t seen so much exposed sternum since
my last Hasselhoff concert. I
immediately lamented turning down an opportunity to invest in double-sided boob
tape a few years ago. They must have
that stuff by the case laying around the mansion.
Jaimi opines that every night is
“im-poor-int”. Apparently not
im-poor-int enough for a cocktail party. Harrison shows up to announce that
Nick knows what he wants. Translation: This show has a limited amount of time and a
lot of dates to pack in. No drinks.
Roses
Corinne
Rachel
Kristina
Raven
Vanessa
Danielle
L.
Jasmine
Whitney
Danielle
M.
Gone
Josephine
Alexis
(time to dry clean the dolphin/shark suit)
Jaimi
(dumped in her home town)
The
remaining bunch is headed to St. Thomas.
Vistas
of St. Thomas via sea plane followed by vistas of Nick’s junk in his short
shorts, tank top, and bright white tennis shoes. He was dressed like a 12 year old girl on her
first day at cheer camp.
The
girls go with denim shorts and loose fitting tops and we learn that not unlike
every other post-continental U.S. location in Bachelor history, St. Thomas is indeed the
“perfect place to fall in love.”
The sea
plane pulls a Maverick and buzzes the tower.
I was looking for Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villachaize to waive it
into the dock. Dressed like a 12 year
old girl on her second day of cheer camp, Nick shows up in pastel short shorts, white shoes, and a tank
top. The only thing he was missing was a
matching bow and a set of pompoms.
Kristina
immediately gets the one-on-one and Jasmine melts down on the dock and
complains as he ferries Kristina away in the sea plane.
Nick
heads to the Annaberg Ruins with Kristina for beers and the most horrific
broken family story we’ve ever heard on this show. How freaking sad was that? Eating lipstick, getting kicked out of the
house at 6 years old by her mother, living in a Russian orphanage, being forced
to go to America and leave her sister behind.
It went on and on.
Props
to her for not breaking that out at the first cocktail party. She seemed reluctant to “use” it and that
made it all the more credible and, frankly, a lot sadder. I had visions of Oliver asking for more
porridge rather than Little Orphan Annie jumping playfully from bed to bed with
the other orphans.
Her childhood was
straight out of a Dostoyevsky novel. That
explains why she hasn’t bitched about living in the house with 26 other women
all of this time. She gets a rose. Frankly, I can’t think of a Date Rose that
was more well-deserved than that one.
Corinne—whose
roughest moment in life likely occurred when she was forced to eat caviar without her
favorite crackers--is going to drink champagne rather than pout all day. Good for her.
Lorna, the local nanny, is there to assist her in everything she needs. That producer stunt fell flat. I think I speak for us all when I say I’m
sick of Corinne. We get it. She’s a millennial brat. Move on.
Group
Date. Love’s a beach. Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Jasmine,
Danielle M.
I
think we’d all agree that this date was as painful to watch as it was to be
on. In light of that, I’ll
paraphrase.
Catamaran
ride. Bikini time. Raven has her Taylor Swift bikini on. Poor choice.
Corinne
is drunk . . . again.
Rachel
and Jasmine melt down. They’re all drunk
and demeaned. They all quit and go
sulk. You know they all skimped on
breakfast because it was a bikini date.
Top off low blood sugar with the booze and the 3 hours worth of
producer-mandated volleyball and it’s time to sulk. Poor Nick.
Nick
backtracks with each girl at the dinner party.
Jasmine snaps, and I mean snaps.
As our current President would put it, she snapped big league.
In
what would prove to be a foreboding comment, Danielle L. tells us that she “doesn’t
know where Nick’s head is at.” We, of
course, do know where: his ass.
Rachel
sees the Jasmine writing on the wall and cringes as Jasmine crosses from a
calm, rational women into a ranting lunatic at warp speed. Don’t get me wrong, being honest is good but
incessant complaining and talking over Nick while he at least attempts to
empathize is not.
I
actually yelled at the TV “let him talk” during her alone time with him. She fumbled well before she got into the red
zone. And then the cherry on the
sundae: “I want to choke you so bad,”
actually slips out. He did everything he
could to not run away in fear. He sent
her home instead. Epic.
She literally talked herself off the
show. Still oblivious, Jasmine actually
gave him a bitter “good luck, dude” on the way out. I don’t know if it will be her or her family
who cringes more when they watch that episode.
Granted, for the most part she handled herself well, but she truly lost
her mind at the end there.
Let
the pouting continue. To be fair, I don’t
think we’ve seen one evening cocktail party or Rose Ceremony that hasn’t ended
in a sunrise. They haven’t slept for
weeks and I’d imagine that the flying that far East didn’t do wonders for their
states of mind.
We
cut to Kristina, Raven, Rachel in bed—just like back at the Russian orphanage.
Me: Now we’re talking
Mrs.
SGIA: Whatever.
2
on 1 date. Danielle L. and Whitney. Frankly, I was surprised by this date and I
refused to admit that one (or both) of them could be headed home. In my mind, these are two of the most
attractive women left and he had a great first date with Danielle L. She was also a top 3 pick of mine (damnit). Danielle L. had the edge in my mind but I
wanted to see if Whitney could turn the corner and show some personality.
After
Kristina’s lipstick lunch story I was surprised to hear more talk about how
tough their free week filled with helicopter rides, free booze, and volleyball
games has been. They continue to whine,
including Nick.
Vanessa,
who has up to this point been an oak, teeters over the edge a bit. She and her Lululemon athletic wear need to
keep it together. She’s likely a top 3 if
she can tap the brakes a bit, but the down time and the travel was clearly a
factor.
Whitney basks in the wonder of
the beach cabana while Danielle and Nick talk.
Nick puts her on hold and goes back to Whitney. He dumps Whitney. Bummer.
Like Jasmine and Taylor before her, she tries to hang on without getting
sent home.
Pay
attention ladies. There is some
brilliant male perspective relationship advice headed your way.
As
Whitney complains about Danielle L. by questioning Nick if he believes she’s
ready for a relationship, I threw my arms into the air and before I could get
my thought from my brain to my lips Nick stops Whitney with, “For me this isn’t
about Danielle. It’s about you and I.” Ouch. Poor
grammar aside, that statement is extremely pregnant with wisdom.
In
other words, it’s not her, it’s you. That’s exactly the point. No woman in the history of this show, or any
other for that matter, has ever been sent home because of something another
woman did or didn’t do. It has nothing
to do with Danielle L.’s glorious cleavage or her delicately manicured eyebrows
and it will have nothing next week to do with Corinne’s (allegedly) “platinum
vagine.” Jasmine, Taylor, Whitney, and
ultimately a clearly blindsided Danielle L. all got sent home not because Nick
saw himself with another woman but because he didn’t see himself with any one
of them. Big distinction.
We
saw more of this faulty reasoning back at the resort when Vanessa and her Lululemon outerwear
wondered what Nick was thinking. "Why
can’t they focus on themselves and overthink what he’s thinking," I wondered. It’s infuriating from a man’s
perspective. This tendency to overthink things, indeed, is the female
psyches’ greatest strength while simultaneously serving as its greatest
weakness.
Nick
has dinner at an old fort with Danielle L.
I was surprised Taylor didn’t come back to try and ruin that.
Nick
starts to sweat. Uh oh.
Nick’s
“heart is telling him no” about Danielle L.
and he abruptly sends her home.
Normally, I am not this far off in my predictions, but I admit, this one
surprised me. Either he’s an incredibly
decisive person or based on his age and perpetually single status it is more
likely that he simply can’t commit.
The
English/Philosophy degrees in me made me think back to a book called The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. There is a scene in the story where its main
character compares her life to a fig tree whose branches stand for the
different paths her life may take. She
sees each fig as a metaphorically different possibility for her future.
She
writes,
“I saw
myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because
I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and
every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat
there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by
one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
Granted, I’m sure the irony of me using
Sylvia Plath to draw a comparison to a womanizing guy dating 27 women
simultaneously while supposedly trying to find a wife, is not lost on my fellow
English/Philosophy majors, but, irony aside, I think it fits. Most of these women have nice sets of figs.
Nick seems intent on trying to find the perfect
woman and he’s paralyzed himself with an inability to choose. Ergo, hasty, poorly considered dismissals and loads of
indecisive tears to a group of remaining women who sit there wrinkling, going
black, one by one, before plopping to the ground at his feet.
Gone: Danielle L., Whitney, and Jasmine. You think they met at the St. Thomas
International Airport Chili’s Too and killed a few margaritas before their
flights?
Rachel,
Danielle M., Corinne, Vanessa, Raven, and Kristina remain. Top 3 now that Danielle L. is gone? Hmm. I’m
sticking with Raven, Vanessa, and I’ll go with Kristina over Danielle M. I still think Corinne makes it to hometowns
so the show can mock her. I can’t wait.
There
it is. Thoughts? Comments?
Feedback? Until next week, take
care of yourselves. In the meantime if
you need me, I’ll be playing volleyball while I wonder just what Nick must be
thinking. DP.