Bachelorette JoJo Episode 5: Ura-G-Why is Chad Still Here?

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Chad-Fest 2016.  I’m so glad we started out with a fat helping of Chad in his Macho Montage because after two weeks of being without his boyish charm and subtle affect, I had forgotten how sick I was of his stupid ass.

I'm misunderstood.

Apparently, the feeling wasn’t restricted to my living room because all of the remaining dudes took to symbolically scattering his ashes in a protein powder effigy while Chad whistled back to the house after being dumped on his double date by a clearly exacerbated  JoJo.  I’m certain that Evan was practicing his exacerbation technique in the bathroom.    

Great for Exacerbation

Unfortunately James Taylor’s guitar comes out.  Poor James Taylor.  He’s no James Taylor.  Chad comes “home” and the tension starts.  Jordan and his skinny jeans assume a leadership role and a lot of “bro’s” and nebulous references to what it means to be a “man” are thrown around like dumbbells on the pool flagstone before a less aggressive, albeit still insufferable, Chad finally f*cks off back to Tulsa.  Thank God.

“You can only give someone so many opportunities to be an adult,” says the skinny jean-wearing Jordan.  Amen.  Someone should crochet that onto a throw pillow filled with protein powder and mail (or is it male?) it to Chad back in Tulsa.  

Alex gets a hug and a pat on top of the head in addition to a very Rudy-esque welcome in celebration of his default two-on-one date win before he turns into this season’s Jake Pavelka.  I couldn’t tell if they were lifting him up in celebration or helping him see over the couch.  More about that half-pint later in the post. 

I won by default!  

Hotel Suite Cocktail Party Time.  JoJo shows up in her white evening gown with holes in the sides of it: a dress cut that would prove ubiquitous this episode.  She looked pretty but apathetic.  Props to the Bachelorette wardrobe team this season, by the way.  

With the exception of JoJo’s Kristin Stewart-esque sandboarding getup, they’ve done a fabulous job making her look fabulous this season.  Remember when Ali wore canary yellow all the time and they had to block her from the waist down with plants and furniture?  Clearly, they've had some re-training in that department.    

Sand boarding in a lightening storm, anyone?

Alex, Jordan, and Luke have roses.  JoJo tells us that she has had a rough week.  I know I was dripping with empathy and I’m certain all of you were too.  She’s mad at Chad and, guess what? They all get a semi-bitchy first drink lecture over it before the ass-kissing is allowed to resume.     

Chase brings Knocker Balls to the cocktail party and plays Knocker Balls with JoJo on the veranda before Jordan tries to knock her with his balls by stealing a kiss against the wall.  He’s no Gosling and he’s certainly not that race car driver guy who groped Emily Maynard in the middle of a dirty European alley a few seasons ago.  Regardless, she seems impressed by the “spontaneity” undoubtedly suggested by Jordan’s handler in the pre-production meeting.

Robby and his well-manicured beard prance around seeking time with JoJo. If only his jeans fit like his beard. 

Some other guy starts to talk.  I forgot his name but I remember he wears plaid a lot and was destined to go home this week.  James F., that’s it.  Honestly, when it comes to James F. I couldn’t remember who the F he is.  JoJo didn’t either and it was apparent that her dress cut was meant as a foil to side-splitting laughter when he actually broke out a “poem” and began with “Her heart is like a treasure,” before Alex, fresh off his stunt double duties for Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones, in an act of inadvertent mercy, cut him off.  JoJo looked relieved.  My notes actually read, “Her heart is like a treasure?  Jesus.”   I was curious how many words he could rhyme with “treasure”.  Alas, I’ll never know.

Excuse me.  May I trouble you for a moment with JoJo?

Alex actually criticizes some of the guys for “not standing up,” which is ironic because he always appears to be sitting down or standing in a hole.  Normally, I wouldn’t pick on an immutable characteristic.  I tend to mock the self-created faults; however, I’m serious when I say that my reaction to Alex this week was on par with my visceral reaction to Jake Pavelka.   

Luke, Jordan, and Alex get some sore loser complaints for still having roses and wanting to talk to JoJo.  Luke gives her the “falling for you” speech.  He tells her that his heart beats a lot faster when he’s with her.  So romantic.  Nothing says I love you quite like mild tachycardia.  

Wells and Evan revel in their Beta Male status.  Evan complains about it and Wells continues to be a nice, reasonable guy with no chance of reaching the Fantasy Suite.

In another bold display of mercy, Harrison shows up in his suit and steals JoJo away to the Contemplation Suite.  Incidentally, when did we lose the shot of the Bachelorette quietly deliberating over the framed head shots in the Lair of Seclusion?  I miss that.

Fresh off some hair and make-up JoJo reappears at what will be the first of two Rose Ceremonies.  She tells the guys that she’s had a very emotional week.  Midol usually takes care of that, but that’s neither her nor there.    

Rose Ceremony

1.         Jordan

2.         Luke

3.         Alex

4.         Derek

5.         Robby

6.         Chase

7.         Wells

8.         Grant

9.         Vinny (what?)

10.       James Taylor (he’s seen Fire and he’s seen Rain)

11.       Evan

Gone.

James F.  Frankly, ABC quit paying this guy his per diem three weeks ago.  He’s like Milton Waddams from Office Space.  I think The Bobs just “fixed the glitch.”  Hopefully, he left with his plaid shirt collection . . . and his stapler.    

So we just fixed the glitch. . .

Daniel (so much for the Lambo).  “This is clearly about personality because my personality is s*it.  If it were about looks I’d still be here.”  Classic.  As if that analysis didn’t cement him as one of the biggest idiots to ever grace the carefully sprayed driveway, he actually went out with “I’ve got a better chance of . . . getting struck by lightening while . . . shaving my face” than having JoJo pick me.  

Actually, you had a 1 in 26 chance until this week when you had a 1 in 13 chance before she kicked your dumb ass to the curb, you Canadian putz.  If only pecs were brains, Daniel.  If only.    

South America.  Punta del Este, Uruguay.  Montevideo is the capital, by the way.  That never crossed their minds because most of them thought they were headed to a nightclub named Punta del Este in Cancun, Mexico.    

A producer-enlightened Vinny tells us that it’s actually a city in “Ora-G-why.” 

In a stark display of either condescension or an accurate assessment of the viewing audience, ABC imports that fake, giant plane flying over a red dotted line from the US so we all know where Uruguay is.  

Ahhh, it’s in SOUTHERN Mexico, not NORTHERN Mexico.    

JoJo goes for a self-reflective walk on the beach in Oragwhy.  She’s struggled with trust in the past.  Uh oh . . . foreshadowing.  

“Someone has a girlfriend back home,” Mrs. SGIA commented.  “Either that or, based on those outfits, they all have boyfriends,” I responded.  

Either way, I was excited to see who would be the rat.     

Vinny finally gets to wear his Frank Sinatra hat. 

Date Card.  “Jordan, let’s seal the date. Love JoJo.”  The jerk always gets the first post-foreshadowing date.  We’ll see if I’m right. 

Jillian patented run, leg wrap, hug.  Alex and the guys fill the Chad void and start to turn on Jordan.  Jordan and JoJo go yachting in 12 foot seas and she spends most of the date in the Sims Position (Google it).  I couldn’t tell if she was preparing to fall in love or preparing for a colonoscopy.   

Group dynamics are a funny thing. 

Vinny, sans Frank Sinatra hat, pulls out gossip magazines and proceeds to go all Wahl clipper on some of the dudes' hair. 

In Touch Magazine?  In English, no less? With JoJo on the cover?  Now where did THAT come from?  What a coincidence.  Sigh  . . . 

Chad from Dallas strikes again.  Apparently, he says he’s been dating JoJo and it is she that is, in fact, there for . . . GASP!!! . . . The Wrong Reasons.  Nice twist, Fleiss.  Transparent and stupid, but nice nonetheless. 

Date Card.  “Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can’t sand to be away from you.”    

Dinner with Jordan.  Like Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, JoJo puts the Puntas del Este on full display (in addition to her incredibly attractive sides).  She looked fantastic.  She confronts Jordan about cheating.  He gets nervous but I think he tried to be honest.  He denies cheating.  Her radar is up.  

“I was immature . . . focused on other things . . . I’m not proud of it . . . I know who I am now . . .”.

One of you commented last week that you were surprised that I “gave Jordan a pass for lying about cheating” because “cheating is a big deal.”  Let me clarify what I meant.

First, he should get a pass for not opening with “my ego got the best of me and I cheated on my ex-girlfriend” while trying to impress a woman for the first time.  I’m sorry, but he doesn’t owe JoJo his life story at this point in the “relationship.”  

I believe him when he says he’s not proud of himself.  I’m certain after losing his NFL career and a long term girlfriend at 26 years old in addition to having a world famous brother who did succeed in spades in the NFL he’s been incredibly humbled.  He'll either put all of that in the proper perspective and move on or he won't.  That doesn't mean he has to do it on air.    

Let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt.  I’m certain that none of us would want a moment like that televised across the country.  If that explanation was good enough for JoJo, it was good enough for me.  Risk often equals disappointment, but it also equals reward.  I didn’t give him a pass for cheating.  I gave him a pass for not telling her about it at that moment.   

He gets a Date Rose. 

The guys (read “Alex”) drop the magazine article on JoJo after her handler tees up the tears.  That whole thing was a non-event.  At least she kept the boob dress on the entire time. 

Jordan and Robby do the spa day complete with mani/pedi’s and cucumber eyelids.  As much as they played it up you know they enjoyed it.  Robby’s beard had more sharp angles in it than an Escher drawing. 

  

JoJo wanders amongst the sand dunes in her Kristin Stewart outfit.  Sandboarding date in their skinny jeans.  That looked boring and painful right up until the lightening storm put them in danger of electrocution.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.   

Date card.  Robby’s turn in his pink linen shirt.  “Robby, love is within our reach.”

Cocktail party.

Wells in his Danny Zuco jacket drops the quote of the season,  “That’s the last time I want to talk about a guy named Chad.”  Amen.

Derek begins to crack like the Punta del Este sky during a sandboarding contest.  He’s insecure and the other dudes smell blood in the water.   

After blatantly seeking validation, Derek gets the “Reassurance Date Rose” similar to Evan’s “Chad Can’t Bully Me Into Sending You Home” Rose a fortnight ago.  

In anticipation of Robby’s pseudo-masculine date arrival, JoJo frolics in her Emily Maynard shorts among the phallic-shaped rocks before risking rabies and mange by befriending a stray dog on the beach.  Robby arrives.  The only thing more feminine than JoJo’s outfit is Robby’s outfit. 

Cliff jump.  Bring on the marriage metaphors. 

Back at the hotel, Derek and his Captain America shirt deny that he asked for reassurance--even though he did.  Chase and Alex won’t let it go and they complain about it like a couple of Real Housewives over a glass of Cabernet. 

In the meantime, Robby drops his best friend’s death during a text message story.  Solid timing on that one.  He could have easily lead with that on night one.  I believed him to be sincere when he told JoJo that he loved her.  He’s a nice guy but I can’t get past the metrosexuality.  She doesn’t seem to mind, however and that, after all, is what counts.   

He gets a Date Rose.  Fireworks.  BOOORRRRRINNG. 

Derek cracks.  He calls out Robby, Chase, Jordan, Alex for a gossip session that goes nowhere.  Between 4 episodes of Chad working out at the pool and threatening people, the fake gossip mag plant, and this nonsense, I began to wonder how in the world they could be so hard up for interesting footage this season.  This might be the most manufactured season in Bachelorette history and it shows.  They had to go off the grid to JoJo's ex-boyfriend's paid gossip mag story in order to get her to cry.  Remember, when Kaitlyn was whoring it up around the plantation in Jamaica or whatever and everyone wanted to kill Nick for closing the deal early and often?  Now THAT was drama. This?  Far from it.  This season is more well-planned than Robby’s grooming regimen. 

Like the fulfillment of some ancient prophecy from the Book of Harrison, Wells is the lone voice crying in the cocktail party and again proves himself the voice of reason.  Granted, he’s not all jacked up and manly as the rest of the guys, but Wells has shown me something this season.  Unfortunately, he’ll be eclipsed by less interesting dudes with more interesting skinny jeans, but he’s a solid guy. 

Harrison shows up.  Guess what?  No Cocktail party.  Her mind is made up.  We won’t delay the inevitable.  3 will be going home.  BOOM.  Out. 

JoJo shows up again with her sides on display in a green evening gown with a Fay Wray leg cut and a gold belt.  “With turmoil comes clarity,” she tells us.  I’m certain that's something that Chad from Dallas learned in his anger management classes.

Roses

1.         Robby

2.         Derek

3.         Jordan

4.         Luke

5.         Chase

6.         Alex (all 4’11” of him)

7.         James Taylor

8.         Wells

Gone

Grant

Evan

Vinny

Evan leaves with a broken heart and room in his suitcase for a new t-shirt at the airport gift shop.  He’s a nice enough guy.  He’s harmless and dorky.  Neither one of those are venial sins.  Let’s hope he finds someone equally as harmless back at the ED clinic for the sake of his three kids.  I’ll bet a week’s pay that he brings up the 20 bucks Chad owes him for ripping his Criss Angel shirt on the Men Tell All show. 

Vinny leaves glad he got to use his Frank Sinatra hat on TV.  He left with class.  So did Grant.  Frankly, those departures were all expected.  My guess is that James Taylor and Wells are on the chopping block next week, but a metaphorical wrench could be thrown in the combine if we have a cheater in the wood pile.  Stay tuned. 

Well, there it is.  Hit me with your feedback via Twitter @someguyinaustin or in the Comment section below and I’ll respond accordingly.  Enjoy the rest of your week.  Be safe.  If you need me, I’ll be whistling in the woods while looking for a new t-shirt.  DP 

JoJo Episodes 3 and 4: I’ve (C)Had it with this A**hole

Hello, Readers.   Wow, we’ve got a lot to cover.  Thankfully, most of the action can be summarized by consulting a freshman year Psychology textbook. 

Before we begin, let me get some housekeeping items out of the way.  As most of you noticed, there are two weeks between now and the next episode of JoJo’s gut wrenching (for us, not her) attempt to find her potential Mr. Wonderful.  And, apparently another episode of ridiculous behavior from That First Class Asshole, Chad. 

As such, I’m certain you’ll all be jonesing for a fix of something next week.  In light of your impending frustration, I’ll commit to posting again on or before next Monday.   In fact, I’ll guarantee it.  I want to see who wins the Stanley Cup and the NBA Finals, so it’s in my interest to write quickly.  I’m also swamped at work so it will be a welcome escape.   

Shoot me a comment or a tweet with potential blog subjects.  I may try and talk Lincee "I Hate Green Beans Ray into a joint post, but we’ll see what she has on her crowded plate next week.  We know it’s not a big helping of green beans.  

Finally, I referred to our carnivorous buddy, The Chad, as “Chad from Dallas” in my post last week.  Clearly, I was confused by JoJo’s ex—you know the mind reader who dropped fresh roses off at her door along with an “I want you back” letter just as Ben arrived to pick her up.  

Caveman Chad is from Oklahoma; Tulsa to be exact.  Or, as we refer to it in Texas, Mobile-Home-a.  I’d like to apologize to Dallas for incorrectly associating it with The Chad.  I also wondered how much Luxury Real Estate there is to sell in Tulsa.    

Now let’s get to it, shall we?

Episode 3

We begin with everyone sleeping off a hangover and see that the mansion has been turned into a frat house.  I’ve seen movie theater floors looked more sanitary that that place.  As if we weren’t already sick of hearing about him, all of the guys awaken to tell us more about The Chad. 

Evan, who dresses like a poor man’s Criss Angel, whines about The Chad in his less-than-masculine tanktop while The Chad and pseudo-friend Daniel bro it out over work out talk and protein shakes.  I’d like to make two points here. 

First, what’s with the tank-tops and skinny jeans?  These guys look like they’re wearing Garanimals rather than dressing up for a date.  Even the more normal guys seem to prefer that look.  Jordan’s “jeans” look like yoga pants for crying out loud and Luke’s one-on-one outfit looked like the outfit Olivia Newton-John wore for the final dance number in Grease.  Robbie actually tight rolled his and sported no socks and topsiders to the cocktail party after the Group Date.    

Anyone seen a wood burning hot tub around here?

Far be it from me to go beyond my pearl snap shirt, jeans, and boots comfort zone, but I’m just not getting how that look fits.  Until I see Harrison show up in black skinny jeans and a horizontal striped tank top, I refuse to recognize it as a valid look.   

Second, I think now that we’ve been bathed in the light of Episodes 3 and 4, we can all agree that Daniel is a well-meaning, albeit misguided, dunce.  He’s like Sloth from The Goonies.  He started off in cahoots with the bad guy but even he had the wherewithal to distance himself from The Chad.  His Hitler-Mussolini-Bush metaphor was moronic yet intriguing at the same time.  I’d say he’s redeemed himself in my eyes.  Someone get him a low-fat rocky road protein shake.  I wonder if they’ll make Evan do the Truffle Shuffle in order to get into the next pool party?     

Much to my comfort, Harrison shows up in V-neck sweater.  Granted, I wouldn’t wear one, but at least I’ve seen it before.    

He drops the first Date Card and tees up the big week.  3 dates.  1 one-on-one, 1 group and the dreaded two-on-one. Did anyone doubt that The Chad would be one of the guys on the two-on-one date?    

James Taylor proves he can read without his guitar.  “Chase, Let’s get physical.  Love JoJo.”

JoJo walks around in flannel telling us that she’s “more optimistic” than ever.  Unfortunately, the Producers weren’t very optimistic about finding a way to move past the pornographically awkward yoga date complete with a resident weirdo to position the them that we cringed at in Chris Soules’ season.  

The camera shot of the aforementioned resident weirdo allowed you to see what she had for breakfast.  If that shot was any more graphic they would have to invite her to the Men Tell All for an on-air pap smear and a sonogram.  Good Lord.

Yoga Anyone? 

Chase handled it well and, as SGIA predicted, he moved up a few notches on JoJo’s Potential Fiancé Chart.  After all, he weathered the yoga class and the ex-Lady Antebellum guy’s “country” song.  He got a well-earned Date Rose.  At least the ex-Lady Antebellum guy has had a hit on this side of the year 2000.  I guess, Chicago and Jeffery Osborne were booked at a bar mitzvah or in Branson, Missouri.   

The only thing more pornographic than that date (up until this point in the show, sadly) was Daniel and Chad’s 300-esque, homoerotic beach muscle work out session by the pool.  You mean to tell me that the 12,000 sq. foot mansion doesn’t have a gym and the only place to accomplish muscle-shredding dumbbell work is on the poolside flagstone?  Please.  And Chad, the long board shorts aren’t fooling anyone about your skinny legs.  Mix in some squats and calf raises into your stupid work out instead off letting all of the roast beef go to your chest and arms.   

Leonidis, would you care to spot Xerxes on the flagstone?

Group Date

Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad, Ali  “Love has no secrets Love JoJo.”

This one might as well have been called the “Big D*ck Measuring Contest with Chad” date.  Alex actually “right reasoned” The Chad before The Chad began to froth all over the theater like the rabid dog in the final scenes of Cujo.  

We all agree that The Chad is a hyperagressive jerk, but let’s be fair.  Between Alex and Evan nipping at his heels like a couple of angry Lhasa apsos, he was bound to punch a door sooner than later.     

I’m not even going to dignify this date with more than a few sentences.  The entire premise—publically bragging about sexual conquests in as graphic language as possible in an attempt to impress your potential wife—was ridiculous.  It’s what passes for effort or art these days, I suppose.  It became clear, however, that the entire purpose of the date was to set up The Chad to explode into one of his chimp-like, predicable, angry rants.  Evan—poor, tiny, feminized Evan--publicly accused him of steroid use the tea kettle quickly steamed over. 

Again, rather than discuss the merits of the “self-expression” or comment on the fact that it was featured during prime time viewing hours on a major network, I’d rather respond to a couple of comments I’ve seen on The Chad characterizing his behavior as “Alpha Male” behavior.  Nothing could be further from the truth—clinically speaking.

The traditional Alpha Male (the human one) is always in control of himself, his emotions, and his surroundings.  He is proactive, not reactive, and he dominates through superior intellect, charm, and measured aggression, if necessary.  Even the leader of the wolf pack shows his teeth only when confronted with danger or a direct challenge to his authority.  Think James Bond, for instance. 

Alpha Males are typically smart, natural leaders with a strong sense of values and a passion for what they do.  The real Alpha Male is not ashamed of his faults, but admits them.  He controls situations and has a need to do so but rarely, if ever, resorts to violence or intimidation to accomplish that need.  He doesn’t need to.  Think Don Draper or The Most Interesting Man in the World. 

I don't always think about The Chad, but when I do I realize he's an a-hole.

Contrast that with the Hypermasculine Male and you’ll see our friend The Chad.  Hypermasculinity is a psychological term for an individual who exhibits a severe exaggeration of typical male behavior; namely, physical strength, toughness, and sexual behavior.  

Hypermasculine men tend to view emotion as something that should be bottled up—particularly when it comes to feelings for women—and often only express themselves through uncontrollable rage stemming from a frustration at a lack of control.  They objectify women out of a need to control them and react very poorly when anything they want, believe, or desire is denied to them.  These men are exaggerations of their cultures, their races, their sexuality, and their lifestyles.  Think Lil’ Wayne, any of the Village People, or Stallone’s John J. Rambo—hell, any action star. 

In short, Chad is far from an Alpha Male.  He’s hated and reviled by his peers, cannot lead or persuade the group, and has no control over the one woman he seeks.  He’s an impotent cartoon of what he believes a “real” man should be.  He’s also an asshole.  

And in anticipation of his “bad edit” assertion when he hits the Men Tell All in a few weeks, I’ll go ahead and say that a few drunken quotes in the back of the airport limo or a stray comment here or there constitutes a “bad edit.”  Here, they actually had so much material on this jerk that they’ve made it the focus of going on 4 episodes now.   It's not a bad edit.  He's just a bad guy.     

Then again, I could be guilty of just not “leaving him alone and minding my own business.”  Memo to Chad:  People who want to be left alone don’t go on reality shows and follow up with shirtless photo shoots for any magazine that comes calling.  Ali was right:  Chad’s a douchebag. 

Cocktail party. 

JoJo has some one-on-one with Jordan.  He opens up and almost seems to go for broke.  I can’t get past the skin tight jeans and the Bob’s Big Boy haircut, but he seems like a nice enough guy.  By the way, I don’t blame him for mischaracterizing the breakup of his former relationship (he apparently cheated) as a result of a focus on his career.  I suppose that’s not entirely untrue and he’s still young enough to deserve a clean slate. 

Alex and Vinny try way too hard but it’s becoming abundantly clear that she’s not into it. I thought Wells might be fading—or dissolving in the pool of superior genetic material around him—but he rallied when he stood up to The Chad in the sunken living room and performed athletically on the football field.  He’s a good guy and I wouldn’t put him in the same category as Evan . . . yet. 

More Chad.  Evan stirs the pot all over again after almost getting squashed.  Had The Chad gone berserk as he promised to do on Evan I’m certain that the video would have looked a lot like that zoo gorilla dragging that 4 year old around the enclosure last week.  Evan is lucky the cameras were there to prevent that.      

Back at the Mansion. 

Luke, Chase, James T., Robby, Derek sit around and wait for the Date Card to arrive.   “James T., Let’s kick it old school. Love JoJo.”

JoJo’s choice of James Taylor confused me until I saw what the date entailed.  It was made for that chucklehead.  More about that later, but let’s get back to the party. 

Evan c*ck blocks The Chad as The Chad attempts to dig out the poor attempt at a kiss in an effort to avoid participating in the sex talk challenge and explain away the angry outburst JoJo witnessed toward Evan. Evan sells him out and has the delusional balls to give her the “it’s him or me ultimatum.”    

Props to JoJo for giving Evan the Date Rose.  In retrospect, it was a brilliant decision.  On one hand, it was a reassuring “thank you” to Evan for ratting out The Chad and getting his ($20) t-shirt irreparably damaged.  On the other, it was a “last chance, a-hole” to The Chad.  She was clearly on to him and wanted him to know it.  I think I speak for all of us when I say that when Evan got the Date Rose,  I couldn’t wait for Chad to see it. 

Evan’s response?  “Love is worth getting shoved in the face for.”  Brilliant.  I think there are some NFL wives and a woman named Amber Heard who would whole heartedly disagree with that statement. 

Derek and his tanktop deny being afraid of The Chad as The Chad tries to control and intimidate him with an angry confrontation.  Whatever.    

James Taylor and JoJo are forced to dress up in 40’s swing outfits and get some horrible dance lessons from a woman who probably went to prom with Abraham Lincoln. He’s a humble, decent guy, but the only “F” he’s going to get out of this show is “Friendship.”  He gets a Date Rose and then, inexplicably, he sings a song.

Daniel talks to The Chad about Hitler and Mussolini while The Chad eats a raw sweet potato. It’s the “perfect carb” in case you were wondering.  Then The Chad works out in dress shorts. 

Harrison shows up for the tank top party and drops the dreaded “there will not be a cocktail party” talk.  BUT, thank God, there’s an all day pool party. 

Evan tattles on The Chad like Jake Pavelka on Wes Hayden and Harrison is forced to step in and shut The Chad down . . . errrr . . . set The Chad up for more angry rages in an effort to draw ratings. 

The best line of the entire thing was when he told The Chad, “Here’s what we’re going to do . . . “ before sending him back into the mansion for what he knew would set up some priceless exchanges.

To Be Continued . . .

Episode 4.  Back to the pool party. 

Chicken fighting?  Guys on each other’s shoulders?  Good Lord.

I was thankful to see JoJo show up in her white Emily Maynard shorts and perform the Jillian-patented grab and straddle move on Jordan in a bathing suit.    

The Chad wallows in the lonely pool of his lack of regret and his need for several grams of protein per hour.  Harrison retrieves JoJo. 

Suits and ties and hair gel replace oily pecs and board shorts.  Well, except for Robbie, who apparently kept some of his old competitive speedos.  I wonder if actually seeing his hair on screen rather than his usual subjective view of it in the mirror made him realize how ridiculous it looks.  He puts the metro in metrosexual.  If he were any more manicured he’d be a golf course.    

Rose Ceremony.

1.         Evan

2.         James Taylor

3.         Grant

4.         Derek

5.         Jordan

6.         Luke

7.         Robbie

8.         Wells

9.         James F.

10.       Vinny

11.       Daniel

12.       Alex

13.       Chad

Gone

Ali

Nick B.

Christian

Frankly, I thought Nick B., as innocuous as he was, would stick around longer than Evan, but then I realized they needed Evan around as the smallest guy in the house to make The Chad look like an even bigger jerk. 

After she kicks those bozos to the curb, JoJo announces that the group is going to leave mansion. 

Oh, boy.  I think it’s safe to say that all of us instantly conjured up helicopter rides amongst stunning Bahamian vistas and a plethora of palm trees lined evenly on either side of a long driveway up to a tropical resort. 

Instead, they go to Pennsylvania. 

Pennsylvania?  What?  It’s the Keystone State, not the perfect place to fall in love.  They end up in a town named Nemacolin.  That sounds like a digestive disorder. 

Date Card.  Vinny reads it.  “Luke, I like you very mush.  Love, JoJo”

After a dog sled ride on a modified riding lawn mower Luke and JoJo find a wood fire stove hot tub.  Of course they do.  Luke coaxes JoJo into the scorching hot water and they enjoy a few glasses of chardonnay while simultaneously fighting off second degree burns and hyperthermia.  I suppose the good news is that if Luke makes it to the Fantasy Suite he’ll have no sperm count.  That will narrow the number of paternity tests needed to two.    

Luke laid it on thicker than Robbie’s humectant pomade and maximized his alone time.  That’s how it’s done, boys.  From the pregnant pauses between answers to the American Hero from a small town who now has things in perspective after seeing death in Afghanistan all the way to pretending like he knew who Dan + Shay were, Luke hit a home run.

By the way, does anyone actually know who Dan + Shay are?  Is it Dan AND Shay or Dan PLUS Shay.  The former is more logical, but the latter is more likely.  And which one is Dan and which one is Shay?   In spite of all that, Luke got a rose and I got a break from The Chad.  

Date Card.

Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James. F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robbie, “We could go all the way.  JoJo”.

That puts the math squarely on the 2 on 1 with Alex and The Chad.  Alex is happy.  The Chad is not.    

Football date at Heinz Stadium with Rothlesburger. 

Alex and The Chad have a pre-two-on-one-date stare down.  By that I mean that The Chad had to stare way down to meet Alex’s eyes.  Both of them were annoying and Luke regretted his mandatory appointment as the pre-two-on-one date question asker back at the house.    

Blue team wins.  Chase, Wells, James F, Grant lose and Evan has his second bloody nose of the show.  Poor guy.  I thought Wells did . . . well . . . Well during the game and Jordan clearly impressed JoJo with the much coveted All Time Quarterback roll.    

Date Rose.  Jordan.  He earned it and she’s overthinking him beyond overthinking.   

Harrison’s ominous "Two Dudes, One Rose, One Stays, One Goes" poem kicks off the two-on-one date as The Chad finds time between raw sweet potatoes and lunch meat to escalate his threats past the walls of the mansion.    

Wells tries to make the peace and, predictably, The  Chad walks away. 

Two-on one-date.

Let me say this about JoJo sending The Chad to wander in the woods like freaking Apocalypto searching for his tribe.

I was very impressed with JoJo.  Why?

1.         She was considerate.  She listened to Alex drone on and took the time to confirm corroborating details about incidents that she heard about at the pool party.  In other words, she didn’t take his word for it without verifying the details. 

2.         She was empathetic.  She took the time to consider that the reason that The Chad is such an over-the-top jerkoff is that he had shared with her that his mother had passed away.  “Maybe he’s stuggling with that?,” she asked through tears before retreating into the woods to gather her thoughts. 

3.         She was fair.  When she returned from the woods she asked The Chad to confirm or deny the stories and also gave him a chance to answer “why.”  Frankly it was more than he deserved.  It was then, and only then, that she succinctly told him exactly why she felt that he could no longer continue before tossing the Date Rose to Alex who was so happy that The Chad was (allegedly) going home that he failed to realize that the Rose had nothing to do with him and everything to do with The Chad’s lack of answers to her questions.  Like her white shorts, it was very Maynard-esque. 

And just as we thought The Chad would wander the nether regions of the Nemacolin woods howling at the moon in search of raw meat and sweet potatoes, he manages to walk back to the mansion and knock on the door. 

Enough is enough with this guy.  Let’s pray he’s done in the first ten minutes of the next episode.  I’m praying that they send in three more out of shape security guards to get him out of there. 

Enjoy the down week.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be doing inclined dumbbell presses by my pool in dress shorts.  DP