Ben Episode 7: You Can’t Spell “Pontoon” without “Poon”

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to Some Guy’s big follow up to the post I’d probably consider one of my worst of all time.  As I stated in my disclaimer, I realize that it was neither original nor clever.  To those of you who sent me messages complaining about that, I’d suggest you go back and re-read the disclaimer.  I can’t bat 1000 and it was either the pig post or nada.  I suppose you’re all entitled to your respective opinions, however.  And, for what it’s worth, I do appreciate the readership and the comments.  Let’s see if I can win back some disgruntled hearts and minds this week.    

Now, before we get to The Bachelor, I’d be remiss if I didn’t recognize the passing of Antonin Scalia.  As an attorney and a former law student who studied his opinions and (the usually more entertaining) dissents over the years and even wrote a Law Review Comment on one of them, I have to say that I’m saddened by his passing.  He was a great intellect, an exceptionally clear, funny, articulate writer, and a very principled person who, in my opinion, remained consistent throughout his time as a Justice.  That’s not nearly as true of the majority of the people he called peers.  He died in Texas apparently doing something he enjoyed very much.  I suppose that’s just as important as anything he did while he was alive.  May he rest in peace and may his replacement be as skilled as he was.  

Thank you for humoring me.  Now, let’s get to the humor.     

Indiana.  Warsaw, to be exact.

Ben, using the time-tested Bachelor method for new geographical scene setting, walks nostalgically around town before arriving at the local diner and hugging mom and dad in order to preempt the Producer’s pick of Emily as the girl he’ll take to their swanky lake house for pre-break up drinks and hors d’oeuvres  . . . or is it whores d’oeuvres?  I don’t know.  I’m not French.   

We’ll get to this later, but his mother actually cried when trying to feign support of that relationship.  Dad did what dad’s do with tough issues like his son bringing home a juvenile dunce as a potential daughter-in-law:  he artfully ignored it in hopes it would go away.  Point Ben’s Dad.      

JoJo, Becca, Emily, Caila, Lauren B., and Amanda basque in their I’m Still Here status and wander aimlessly around town like a gaggle of drunken sailors searching for the nearest window with a red light in it.    “Warsaw the Orthopedic Capital” the sign above them reads.  I wondered if it had been the Chiropractic Capital if Becca would have stuck around.  Weird. 

Pontoon boat arrival on the water.  The weather was still as bad there as it was in Bahamas but everyone is especially anxious—a fact evidenced by their tendency to overthink everything.  Lauren B. gets first date.  She’s been the first in just about everything this season.  If she wins—and I think she’ll be a top 2—they’ve telegraphed the winner from night one. 

The best part about that date was that Harrison didn’t make the trip because there’s likely no Ritz Carlton with poolside cabanas and a 24 hour concierge in Warsaw.  Unfortunately, Ben has to announce the date by asking Lauren out in front of the rest of the girls.  That was a bit cruel.  Entertaining, but cruel.  JoJo bemoans her bad fortune in her Mermaid t-shirt.  I found her reasoning a little fishy and a bit specious.  It lacked legs. 

I’m sure you’re thrilled that I’ve gone from pig puns to mermaid metaphors in one week.  I amaze even myself at times.  Back to Ben.    

He and Lauren B. take the “this is where I X when I was growing up” tour of the town in an old truck that has been grandfathered out of the Federal seatbelt requirements. 

The other girls have the “are you ready for marriage” chat, which is apparently the only thing besides the Baker Youth Center and making the drive to Chicago to do in Warsaw.   

Lauren B. is a good sport at the sports center and the kids are sufficiently charming and not nearly as nosey or inappropriate as I would have liked them to be.  Some Kid the Producers greased with twenty bucks and unlimited one month trips to McDonald’s “conveniently” cries before Ben comes to his rescue.  Puh-leez.  The Indiana Pacers show up and a good time is had by all. 

Incidentally, from a man’s perspective there is something really special about taking a woman he loves back to his home town and giving the Clark Griswold-esque tour of his old haunts, athletic conquests (albeit exaggerated), and the place where he had his first kiss.  I don’t think that women REALLY “get” that, but I can attest that if a man does that for you, he’s into you—a lot.  Frankly, that’s a bigger deal than bringing you home to his parents.  Lauren B. may not win but as of this date, she’s in first place.  Trust me on this, would you?

They have dinner.  Talk about feelings in one of his buddy’s poorly decorated bachelor pads.  Home town here she comes.      

Date Card. 

“JoJo, let’s find love in the Windy City.”  From the befuddled look on her pretty little face it was patently clear that JoJo had idea where she’s going.   You could literally see the hamster wheel turning in her head trying to A.) figure out what the windiest city in Indiana is, and B.)  alternatively, wonder if she was going to have to fly all the way across country to Chicago even though it borders Indiana and shares Lake Michigan.  An entire generation handicapped without the use of its coveted smart phones.  Sigh . . .      

JoJo makes the arduous state-to-state drive to Chicago and simultaneously drops a “Ben and I’s relationship” before executing this season’s first Jillian-patented jump and leg wrap when she sees Ben.  I’m surprised she didn’t say “It’s Windy Here.”  I’ll go on record saying that I think she could win too.  I just think Lauren has less baggage and comes across as “nicer.”  That, in my mind, will be the difference.

Wrigley Field.  Because we know that all girls love touring sports stadiums. 

The rest of the harem fights boredom in Warsaw.  Emily gets a one on one.  She cries.  Becca, Caila, and Amanda get the Group Date.  They cry.  I got up and got another beer.  I cried.   

Wine and beer at Wrigley Field.  That was pretty cool.  Professor Ben dons his corduroy jacket and gray sweater. I’m certain he had a pipe in his shirt pocket.  Is he looking for a wife or teaching physics, for crying out loud? 

Ben “reassures” JoJo who, up until this point, has done an exceptional job keeping her emotions in sufficient check. 

“Don’t be scared of the other remaining beautiful women with less baggage that I could choose instead of you even though you’re statistically five times more likely to be eliminated than chosen by me.”

“Thanks, Ben.  That makes me feel really good about you and I’s future together.”  

JoJo gives Ben the overly vague and meaningless “certain things have happened in my past” speech and claims that she “gave 150%” in her last relationship.  Notwithstanding the fact that it is literally impossible to give more than 100%, he appears to get the point.  He’s apparently not a math professor. 

Group Date:  Marian Hills Farm

Join us for some row boating around the lake.  I think Ben would have preferred some motor boating around the living room, if you know what I mean.  That, however, is neither here nor there.  

Becca and Amanda end up alone in their own boat.  Becca drops The Notebook reference making things align in the Bachelor Nation Audience, if only for a fleeting moment. 

No one told Amanda that there is more grass than cement in Warsaw because all she packed were her lucky cork wedges.  I have to admit that I was wrong about her.  I like her.  She’s smart, funny, attractive, and probably a really nice person.  She’s not nearly as shy or shallow as I accused her of being up front.    

It took two seasons but Becca finally starts to lose it a bit.  “Three girls, one rose, one stays, two sit back in the barn and bitch.” 

Ben conducts some serious one-on-ones around the farm.  Becca worries aloud and unwittingly and sums up her issue:  she’s too non-emotional and has a difficult time expressing her feelings when she has them.  That’s probably not her fault, but it explains why Ben felt as if she “hadn’t progressed like some of the other women” kicking it around the hay bales.  They all looked fantastic on that date, by the way.

Caila gets some time and tells us that she’s moved 17 times before college and has no roots.  17 times?  Good Lord.  The Inuit people moved less than that.    

Incidentally, that desire to roam has been ingrained in her system.  That’s something she can’t get out of her blood any more than he can get the small town out of his.  She’d go nuts in Warsaw (even though he lives in Denver). 

And the Date Rose goes to . . . Amanda.  Boom.  Right in front of all of the girls.  That SUCKS.  Awkward is not sufficient to capture the mood at that moment.  As they wallow in rejection, he kicks Becca and Amanda to the curb.  At least they weren’t left red nosed and shoeless on an island in the middle of a Caribbean hurricane. 

Becca proves to us for the 4^th time that she cannot pronounce the word “Frustrated” properly.  That was so fuss-trating to hear.   It took a while make Becca crack, but it happened.  “I don’t want to feel this way with someone I’m trying to fall in love with.”  Amen, Becca.  That statement clearly shows her head is on straight.  It also shows she has trust issues.  That was a long limo ride home.

Amanda is so lucky.  How lucky?  She gets to go to McDonald's for dinner and then work a drive through shift to pay for it. Are you kidding me?  I’m sure a single mother of two toddlers has never been to McDonald's before.  Trying to add some gravitas to an otherwise disappointing dinner date, Ben goes all Lady and The Tramp with his French fry.   Amanda plays along because she’s a nice person. 

Warsaw Carnival surprise. 

Festival food.  Yum.  I’m more of a giant turkey leg than a funnel cake guy.  Carnival rides.  What gives?  Yet another life risking outing for the only woman with kids two support.  Those one-toothed parolees they have operating the rides don't care about a search for love.  All they care about is a search for the half empty flask full of rye liquor in their overalls pocket.  

Amanda tells us that she’s “close to falling in love.”  Another one with her head on straight.

Lakeside Dock talk with Lauren B. and Amanda. 

They set up the “Emily’s not mature” talk.  Ben then drops the Emily has really become more “mature and self aware” since I dumped her sister talk setting up the juxtaposition that will be presented to Mom and Dad Higgins.  Maybe Ben was impressed that she didn’t use the word “fu*k” to articulate most of her feelings. 

She meets the parents.  The feign interest.  Emily is VERY 22.   Here’s about how the whole thing went:

Mom Higgins:  “What do you like?” 

Emily:  “I’d sit around and watch movies all day.”

Dad Higgins:  “What don’t you like?” 

Emily:  “I don’t like vegetables.”

Wow.  Like an 18 year old cat on its way to the vet, Emily was the only one unaware that her time was over. 

Props to Ben for attempting to spare her undeveloped feelings.  He sugar coats it. 

“I’ve been amazed  . . . but . . . “

BOOM LOWERED. 

He sends her back into the house with her head down as the remaining girls watch pregnant with anticipation from the bay window. 

“I can see [us getting married] and it sucks that you can’t,” she flounders.

“I’m sorry.  I can’t marry someone who doesn’t eat her vegetables.”  He responds.

Captain Ben gets back on the USS I’m Freaking Single and heads across the lake and she actually gets a heretofore unprecedented debrief with the girls.  They all cry.  Odds are that she’ll thank her lucky stars the second she lands back in Las Vegas as a single girl. 

Ben broods on the steps.  Harrison shows up . . . finally.  We all know that the ABC charter jet was still running at the Warsaw airport with an iced whiskey highball sweating in Harrison’s cup holder anxiously awaiting his return.  

Pep talk?  We good?  Yes?  I’m out.    

Roses.

1.         Caila

2.         Lauren B. (Becca knew at that moment)

3.         JoJo

4.         Amanda

Gone

1.         Emily

2.         Becca

I’m sad to see Becca go but I get why he did it.  One, he didn’t want to climb the giant wall of her feelings in the next week and a half only to find out he didn’t want to marry her.  Two, he didn’t want a virgin going to the Fantasy Suite.  Hey, honesty is the best policy, right? 

Well, there it is.  As we head into hometowns I’m hitching my wagon to Lauren B. and JoJo.  I think Amanda is better than JoJo, but the two kids will be the deciding factor.  Caila is a distant fourth after this week.  She started well, but her star has faded. 

Enjoy the rest of your week.  Chime in @someguyinaustin on Twitter or in the comment section below.  In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be eating a giant turkey leg and a funnel cake on a pontoon boat in Indiana.   DP

Bachelor Ben Episode 6: It’s a Lard Day’s Night

Well hello, Readers.  Sorry for my tardiness.  Blame the jerk in Florida who decided to file a Motion to Dismiss in Federal Court against me.  Justice never sleeps and, frankly, neither did I this week.  But that’s water under the metaphorical bridge.  Let’s talk Bachelor.

It’s week 6 and, like Jesus Himself, Boring Ben is narrowing the herd by sending it off the cliff, isn't he? (Luke 8:31-33 Pig reference No. 1)  

Now, I thought a lot about what I was going to write about in my recap.  Normally, I try and infuse it with large piece of whatever happens to be clanging around in my mind.  For the observant ones, you’ll notice my title is my second homage to The Beatles in as many weeks, for instance. That happens to be the result of doing my weekly “long run” with all of the Beatles albums shuffling on my iPod last week.  Why did they ever let Ringo sing?  Annyyyhooo . . .     

This week, I’d like to keep it simple.  I’ll disclaim the rest of this post by saying that I’m well aware that it’s hardly original and (likely) not nearly as beguiling as my usual posts.  However, like Olivia and Lace, sometimes it’s appropriate to wander off the reservation or, in this case, out of the pigpen. 

In the spirit of what may have been one of the most confusing dates in the history of  . . . well . . . all dates in the history of dating, I will proceed to recap this week’s episode with nothing but pig-related puns and references.  Let’s see how well I can do.  

Keep in mind that I spent the large majority of the show thinking of pig puns and references rather than taking notes.  My intent was to exhaust my mind’s live stock of them, but shockingly, I was able to come up with a heck of a lot more than I thought—including two Bible verses.  And who said a Minor in Theology wasn’t worth anything?  My parents, that’s who.   

Let’s get to it, shall we?  

We cut in to last week’s Olivia-based drama with the impending Rose Ceremony and the possible (GASP) heretofore unprecedented Date Rose retraction from Ben after all of the other women squealed on her for her boar-ish behavior.

“In their styes with all their backing

They don't care what goes on around

In their eyes there's something lacking

What they need's a damn good whacking”

---Piggies by The Beatles (make that 3 references)

Pigheaded, Olivia sells herself and all of her appealing attributes . . . hard . . . while all of the women plan her demise.  Frankly, Olivia spinning her greatest greats was like putting lipstick on a pig.  Ben was very Harrison-esque in his chat with her, including borrowing Harrison’s patented feign-of-concern head nod and finger to the mouth.  Ben buys Olivia’s hogwash and keeps her around for the drama in order to ensure an even more humiliating departure for her in the two-on-one date.

Emily drops an indignant “what the f*ck?”  She was clearly dis-grunt-tled. 

“I’m not going anywhere.  Everyone else can suck it,” replies Olivia.  She has neither the time nor the need for subtlety.  In other words, everyone can huff and puff all they want but they can’t blow her house down.   

Rose Ceremony on the very Georgia O’Keefe-ish rug.  It was pretty boar-ing.

The Other Haley s-whines and s-whines intermittently about everything.  Life is so unfair for all of the millennials, isn’t it?  Imagine not being paid attention to when you’re throwing a tantrum or not having exactly what you want handed to you without working for it.  That entire generation is like one big Veruca Salt throwing a huge fit inside Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. 

Veruca the Millenial

“She should tap the brakes on the bitching,” I told Mrs. SGIA.  “Her negativity could have some serious re-pork-cussions.”

Roses

1.         Amanda

2.         Olivia

3.         Lauren H.

4.         Caila

5.         Lauren B.

6.         JoJo

7.         Becca

8.         Leah

9.         Emily

Gone

Jubilee

Jennifer (small business owner) She seemed nice enough, albeit, too quiet and not assertive enough to be noticed.   I think Ben should have given her a bigger chance.

They’re headed to . . . Bahamas . . .via Swish Catamaran.    

Harrison is there early (of course he is).   Like the elder statesman that he is, Harrison lays down the week’s agenda like a modern day Abra-Ham Link-oln.  One One-on-One Date, One Group Date, and the dreaded Two-on-One Elimi-date.  Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.  Perhaps it should have been “One Rose within reach, one red-nosed, dejected narcissist abandoned on the beach.”  

That was BRUTAL, by the way.  More about that later.    

Date Card. 

Becca reads it.  “Caila, let’s see if our love is reel. Ben.”

Leah is “speechless”.  Let’s be fair, Olivia and Caila have hogged all of the prior one-on-ones.  Gluttons. 

Caila could have packed some clothes that fit her for the date and ABC could have spared us the phallic symbolism.  She throws on the strap-on (fishing belt) and they pull a rubber prop fish from the ocean.  The gills were blue for crying out loud.  Caila had a nice tan.  She has good Pig-ment.  

Caila doesn’t take the emotional plunge quite yet.  “I’m not ready,” she actually tells, Ben, digging herself an early grave.   She rallies hard and gets the Date Rose, however.  She was smart enough to realize that, had she continued down that path, she’d be talking herself out of a free Bahamian vacation.  She’s a regular Albert Ein-swine.    

 

Leah cries more than The Other Haley did at the beginning of the episode because she’s been ignored and isolated by Ben in favor of Olivia and Caila.  That might be the first time I’ve actually agreed with that approach.  She’s been more isolated than the fat kid in Lord of the Flies.  If you’ll recall, his name was Piggy. 

She’s been relatively consistent, albeit quiet, all season.  She’s seeing no return on her investment and sees the big market crash looming in the future.  She’s like the romantic equivalent of former Chairman of the Fed., Alan Greenspam.

Knock, Knock.  Group date card.  Lauren B. Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H. and Leah.  Group Date.  Love is Unpredictable.   Well, not in this case, but who’s worrying about the details?  What was unpredictable was the trichinosis risk the bikini-clad girls were about to encounter.   Yea, I know.  You can only get that from eating a pig, but give me some creative license here, would you?       

The girls do the math and realize that (shockingly) arch enemies Olivia and Emily get the 2 on 1.  We all saw that coming.   Props to the producers for delivering it after baiting the both of them into unwittingly teeing it up for the past two weeks.      

Bikini Group Pig Play Date. 

Ben shows up in some ill-fitting mint green shorts.  I will now cover you in jokes like hogs in slop.

AHEM . . .

Normally we have to wait until Fantasy Suite week to see so much porking. 

“Swimming with pigs” isn’t that a better description for the last season of The Bachelorette?

The remaining Haley calls the Other Haley to complain to her from The Bahamas.  They’re like pigs in a blanket, aren’t they?

Lauren B. hogs the one-on-one time with Ben on the beach.  There’s no chance Ben is going to go bacon her heart any time soon. 

The girls really didn’t seem to like the pigs.  They should be ashamed of themselves.  Pigs can’t help the way they’re born.   There’s nothing worse than being hammophobic. 

By the way, why were they feeding pigs hot dogs?  Those are made out of pigs.  That’s like feeding Harrison nails and masculinity.    

Ben sums it up.  He can’t deal with the irrational behavior.  If he’s been nothing else, he’s been an open book with all of the women this season.  Many of them are simply too self-involved or simply too, well, simple to appreciate it.  “Do not cast your pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet . . .”.  Matthew 7:6.

He confides in JoJo.  She runs a bit of interference with a grief stricken Leah. Crying on a pig date?  Why I never sau-sage a thing. 

JoJo failed to ham it up but really showed some chops by stepping back and setting her own needs aside.  She’s been sow patient.  She’ll end up watching the director’s cut of Jurrasic Pork in the Fantasy Suite, if you know what I mean.        

Perhaps on the next date they can watch a Kevin Bacon movie and unwind in the hot tub with some Amy Swinehouse.  They can look deeply into each other’s eyes and hold hams. 

Leah squeals on Lauren B. for no apparently reason other than because the Producers told her she was going home so she might as well do it.  Then she denies it despite knowing it was filmed.  Ben sends her packing.  Geez, Leah over Lauren B?  Say it with me . . . when pigs fly.

Ominous weather looms above prior to the big 2 on 1.  Boy, that was a por-cine of things to come, wasn’t it? 

Olivia revels in denial prior to the date and The Other Haley throws on her best stringy suit and prepares for the slaughter.  That date looked miserable from every angle.

Olivia’s over-confidence was painful to watch.  As we say in Texas “pigs get fat but hogs get slaughtered.”  Put another way, Olivia was WAY too certain of getting the rose.

“Well, If it doesn’t work out maybe they can be pen pals,” I mused between sips of Lone Star.  When Olivia dropped, “Deep intellectual things are  . . . like . . . my jam,” I nearly cried.

“Ben and I’s love” actually came out of her mouth just prior to her being left alone on a rainy, cold, isolated island like a female Robinson Crus-ho.  And why was her nose so red as she stood there shivering in solitude?  

Perhaps she had a bit of ham and eczema.  Hopefully she put some oink-ment on it and now she’s cured.   

Ben broods in the hurricane weather in his sharkskin suit.  Then he broods in his hotel room, which was nice.  In fact, it was filled with rich ma-hog-any furniture.  He sends Harrison in to cancel the cocktail party, which was a shame because all of the women looked so sty-lish.  Harrison shows up and makes the announcement in his sharkskin jacket. 

Rose Ceremony

Roses

The Other Haley

Caila

Becca

JoJo

Lauren B. 

Gone

Leah

Olivia

Lauren H. (poor thing.  She’s very nice).

Well, much like the Bay of Pigs, that little island invasion didn’t pan out so well for many of the women.  The good news is that I think he has the right girls heading into the final weeks.  The best part of this episode for me?  You guessed it:  The Twist at the End of the Tale.      

Have a wonderful week.  Thanks for tolerating my tardiness.  I’m a bit hungry now.  If you need me, I’ll be eating pulled pork tacos.    DP 

Bachelor Ben Episode 5: Todos Estan Locos

Hello, Readers.  Welcome back to this week's installation of my take on The Bachelor.  Yea, I know.  I skipped last week.  I'd apologize, but the job I have that actually pays the bills had me busier than a Bachelor cameraman running down all of the drama this week.  I regret not recapping, but trust me, my sanity remained in tact when I was able to check a few things off my long To Do List.  

I'm thrilled to be back.  Let's get to it.

While all of Chris Soules' (former) neighbors were busy caucusing in corn country, the girls have a caucus of their own on the sectional couch before leaving one Spanish-speaking, polluted metropolis and heading to another one for some sun and fun with Ben in Mexico City, Mexico.  

Sunrise.  Ahh, the layer of smog enveloping the city turns the loveliest colors during sunrise, doesn't it?  We get some standard Mayan images and some Mexico City aerial shots while Spanish guitar gently serenades us in the background.  We are, of course, setting the stage for our wayward Bachelor to educate the Little People about his deep knowledge of the Mexican culture.    

Ben reads his talking points containing various historical tidbits before hitting the street in his standard issue grey/black outerwear and wandering around in search of his destiny.  

He christens Mexico City a “really good place” to fall in love.  That’s certainly a downgrade from "the perfect place to fall in love" or "the best place on earth to find my wife", but it will have to do.  

The remaining Haley talks as we begin to realize that she'll have a lot of speaking parts in this episode.  She is, after all, the one with the initial responsibility of ratting out Olivia for being certifiably whacko.  We'll get to all that in a bit. 

Amanda talks about the Four Seasons and the rest of the girls pimp the hotel out per ABC's contractual obligations.  You don't think they just hand Harrison the keys to The Rainman suite for nothing, do you?   

Date Card.  Did I mention that Olivia is nuts?  I can't figure out if she's crazier than she is pretty or prettier than she is crazy.  That is, I suppose, a meaningless distinction.  She actually brought up the "love language" that she believes she shares with Ben.  Right.  And all of John Lennon's songs were written for Mark David Chapman to decipher.  It find it ironic that her chosen profession has the word "anchor" in it because she's clearly not tethered to reality.    

Becca reads the pre-placed Date Card.  “Amanda, let’s put all our eggs in one basket.  Ben."  Amanda is what's commonly known as a MILF.  My impression of her actually changed this week.  She came across as level headed, mature, and stable.  I suppose all three of those things tend to happen when you're a single mother to two toddlers, but it was nice to see it. I didn't think she was a bad choice before, but she scored some points this week with Ben as well.  Sadly, I think Olivia is correct about the two kids being a "if all else is even" deal breaker for Ben, however.  

Upon hearing that Amanda gets the date, Olivia eats sour grapes through that gaping hole in her face otherwise known as her constantly open mouth.  

Ben "spontaneously" wakes the girls up at 4:20 a.m.  You know, I often wake Mrs. Some Guy up like an alarm clock:  with a big dong. She loves that joke.  I'm even more certain she'll love that I've chosen to share it here in perpetuity. 

Ben's khaki jeans were so tight you could tell what religion he is.  Lauren H. had a retainer and another one of the girls had a teddy bear.  I sure we missed the part where they ate ice cream, painted each other's nails, and had a pillow fight before Harrison busted in and told them to shut it down or he was calling their mothers.  I'm forgetting that many of these women are less than 5 years out of high school.  

Speaking of sleepover pillow fights, did anyone happen to watch Grease Live the other night?  Yea, I know, you're all shocked that I did.  Keep in mind that Mrs. SGIA controls the remote in the house and that I'm often passively subjected to whatever nonsense she happens to find amusing.  At any given time my DVR has about 14 hours of junk on it right next to the one WWII documentary and Vision Quest that I recorded.  The guy who played Danny Zuco was at least 40 years old and the T-Birds looked more like the Sharks in West Side Story than anything else.  Back to The Bachelor.  

Props to Amanda's handler for tipping her off about Ben's panty raid.  She was clearly prepared for her pre-dawn date in full make up and perfectly coiffed hair.  She and Ben make the 10 hour drive to the outskirts of the city for a hot air ballon ride.

Hot air balloon ride?  There's nothing quite like engaging in a super risky activity in a foreign country when you're solely responsible for two small kids waiting for you back home.  I'm sure that was incredibly relaxing for her. 

Amanda might have set a record (even on this show) for saying “Amazing” on her date with Ben.  She was honest and open and Ben appeared pleasantly surprised.  She took full advantage of the quality alone time on the ground once their lives weren't precariously dangling from a wicker basket suspended beneath a giant propane tank with a flame attached to it.  Let’s face it though, folks:  Ben is boring with a capital Ben. 

Meanwhile, back at the swanky hotel. . . 

Jubilee and Olivia edge toward insanity while the others coif wine and keep it together.  It almost felt like they were feeling each other out to see who could be more irrational.  I'd have to give that one to Olivia for her propensity to be crazy 100% of the time.  Jubilee seemed to vacillate between periods of complete, albeit somewhat insecure, normalcy and bona fide rage.  

Group Date Card.  Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia.

Lauren H. gets the one-on-one and Jubilee starts complaining right before Olivia starts complaining as an oblivious Ben peruses his Pocket Spanish book. 

Spanish class.  The remaining Haley comes out of her shell and makes it clear that she has no discernible life skills.  What was going on with Becca’s hair, by the way?  I don't even have a name for that top of the head hair style thing she tried to pull off.   

Jubilee ruins the moment in one of her rage repressing moments and Olivia tells us that she “knows” Spanish.  I wonder how you say “cankles” in Spanish?

They do some open air market walking and find Chef Nico and Lula at Carbon, which is undoubtedly the place where Harrison and Neil Lane knocked back a few bottles of tequila before knocking up a few cocktail waitresses the night before.  

Cook off.  The remaining Haley is upset about cooking for some reason and Olivia and Jubilee team up to cancel each other’s crazy out.  I think we all saw the issues bubbling beneath the surface with both of these women and, at times, it was difficult to watch.  Between Jubilee's haunted past and Olivia's present delusions it was impossible to not wonder if one of them was going to grab a kitchen knife and narrow the competition.    

Jennifer had the best quote of the season about the remaining Haley:  “Emily was trying to help out but I don’t think her palate has expanded past the kid’s menu yet.”  Classic.  

Cooking class.  Jubilee withdraws into a culinary cocoon.  She’s clearly incapable of swallowing her emotions but not incapable of regurgitating them.  Poor thing.  Externally, she’s the opposite of Olivia although their internal dialogue is probably similar. 

JoJo talks about her taco and even the most conservative viewers in the room had to grin.  Solid editing. 

Jubilee wins with some kind of mole salmon dish and Olivia hates it. 

Cocktail party.  Olivia jumps in over the opening toast to talk to Ben and the women begin to squirm like earthworms after a rainstorm.  Why can’t the women have faith in Ben’s judgment that he’s going to see through her act?  Presumably, if he's as wonderful and level headed as they constantly give him credit for being he'll figure it out.  Oddly enough, the remaining Haley summed it up best when she said that if he continues to choose Olivia then he's clearly not the person for her.  Amen.  

Ben has some one-on-one and kissing time with everyone, including the entire crew it seemed.  Jubilee sweats and bites her lip ready to explode. 

As Ben goes for a walk on the street with Lauren B. JoJo drinks beer.  I knew I liked her.  They all chat while Ben is busy making out with Lauren B. and her Fay Wray in King Kong outfit in front of giant wooden doors.  Jubilee melts down like her namesake dessert. 

When Ben (finally) comes to put an end to her lip biting, she refuses to hold his hand.  “How’s everything going?” is his half-hearted attempt to get to the bottom of the problem.  

He was immediately over it.  She gives him the “you’re not looking at me” speech that Lace invented on night one.  Who knew that speech would survive Lace's departure?  Jubilee is not unattractive and she actually has some depth to her.  It's too bad her other issues outweigh all of that. 

I think we’d agree that their conversation was one of the most uncomfortable ones we’ve seen on this show in a very long time.   He dumps her because she gave him no other choice.  At least he was honest.  She seemed like a nice person but she’s got to get a hold of her emotional issues.  When she left it was hard to tell if he was genuinely upset or just very relieved it was over.  I think he liked her but he just couldn’t see a future with her and her baggage.    

JoJo takes an opportune moment to steal him.  She butters him up.  Solid move.  She could peak over the next couple of weeks.  I think she's a Fantasy Suite finalist.  

Date Rose.  How bad did Olivia want that Date Rose?  Olivia got it.  Two words:  Set up. 

The other Haley is upset.  Really upset. 

Lauren Date.  “Lauren H., Let’s design a life together.  Ben.”

Lauren’s date outfit was rather interesting.  The good news is that it's Mexican Fashion Week.  Lauren H. acts like she's won the lottery when she hears about it.  

Lauren H. and Ben mull around some clothes racks before being told that they get to be in the fashion show.  That whole walking down the runway thing looked really hard.   Sigh . . .   

Diner with Lauren.  She’s way too “friendy” and goofy.  I said the same thing about Kaitlyn when she got banged and then dumped by the Farmer too.  The big difference between Lauren and Kaitlyn is that Lauren H. is not going to sleep around in order to stick around.  She’s a nice person but it’s difficult to think about someone like her in a romantic way.  She wouldn't shut up but she manages to do enough to earn the Date Rose and stick around another week.  I think that one could have gone either way.  Nice save, Lauren H. 

Cocktail party.  All done up.  JoJo gets some more good one-on-one time and in the meantime Olivia drops “I feel like it’s an epidose of teen mom,” on Amanda.  Wow.  

Amanda reacted as well as can be expected.  Olivia gets disarmed and semi-cries about it when she realizes how offensive her comment came across.  Primed after Olivia's Date Rose and emotionally raw without the first Haley at her side, the other Haley gets ready to commit the Cardinal Bachelor Sin:  ratting out one of the other girls.  She cries and tattles on Olivia while Ben sits there looking flabbergasted and exhausted.  She calls her sister and cries to her about her free trip the the Four Seasons in Mexico City while her sister is sitting home with her mother after getting dumped the week before. 

Then EVERYONE lines up against Olivia.  Time to pile on.  

Harrison made the trip.  Ding, Ding, Ding . . .

Ben breaks form and pulls Olivia aside before his chat with Harrison.  To be continued….

Current Roses in Hand:

Amanda

Olivia

Lauren H.

Gone

Jubilee

Well, there it is.  I think we all know that Olivia is going to talk her way back on to the show for at least another week.  Ben couldn't pry that Rose from her tightly clenched hand if he tried.  

Thanks for sticking around for yet another week.  We will see what happens next week.  Enjoy the Superbowl.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be covering up my cankles.  DP