Bachelor Ben Episode 1: Laced with Drama

Well hello, Readers.  I trust all of you had a fulfilling holiday season and a Happy New Year:  all just a precursor to the big Bachelor Ben season kickoff.  I'm sure most of you have been as giddy as school girls breathlessly awaiting the excruciating first two minutes of the episode in anticipation of Ben's first shower scene.

I'm just thankful I have something to watch now other than (Not) Finding Bigfoot reruns.  A person can only watch so many of those episodes before reaching one inevitable conclusion:  Bigfoot has a severe aversion to fat middle-aged men and lesbians.  

Where's Bigfoot?

  
We begin with the standard first episode montage.  Yachts, helicopters, first class hotels, exotic locations, unbridled passion, rampant crying, and unmitigated jealousy.  You know, real life.  Hey, why shoot the mule that's carried your baggage for 20 seasons?  I'm positive that montage was in the can before Harrison left last season's wrap party, whiskey decanter in hand, in search of a dejected (former) wannabe reality show starlet at the hotel piano lounge.       

We cut to Los Angeles for Ben's aw shucks I'm just an Indiana guy from small town Warsaw, Indiana who wants to settle down photo session.  Before all of you go all gooey-eyed over our Midwestern, formerly heartbroken charmer, I'd suggest you see what became of last season's Midwestern, formerly heartbroken charmer from another "I" state.  

Ben tells us that "every Hoosier can shoot a basketball" but should have added ". . . against a weathered picturesque barn you don't own."  

We tour every school in the Warsaw Independent School District and see Ben perform his duties as Grand Marshall of the homecoming parade.  He wants small town values, damnit, and he hammers that point home whilst walking amongst the wheat fields in his lime green oxford shirt in communion with the deer before introducing this season's "Fear of Being Unlovable" theme which he dispels (for now) by having a parents lakeside chat.  

Before getting to peruse this season's parade of potential paramours, Ben seeks "expert advice" from the over-exposed Sean Lowe, the far-past-his-fifteen minutes Chris Soules (shouldn't he have been harvesting something in Iowa?), and the contractually obligated Jason Mesnick who has to be older than Gwen (remember her?) by now.  

Sean sports his Pony Boy Curtis look.

I stayed Gold for Catherine

Mesnick dispenses advice about the show and marrying Molly, which is evidence that he's either blocked out the memory of  first choosing Melissa Rycroft and then summarily dumping her a week later or hoped that we blocked it out for him.   Chris Soules pretends he didn't make a jerk of himself. 

Harrison shows up in understated grey pinstripes and a grey shirt and tie and the boat is out of the harbor.  Let's get to it.      


As I always say, this episode is both confusing and frustrating from a chronological standpoint due to the fact that the limo arrivals are staggered and pushed out between individual bios of girls who don't show up until later in the episode.  Because of that, I've recapped the girls in alphabetical order. 

Amanda, 25, Esthetician. ROSE  Divorced, two daughters.  Kicking it on the beach in a one piece with the offspring.  She tells us that her kids are the center of her life--so she's leaving them for 5 weeks to poontang around the mansion.  She's very pretty and selected the perfect cocktail dress to let Ben know it.  Perfect intro.  My guess is that Ben (at 26) doesn't want a ready-made family and a bitter ex-husband to deal with, nor does he want to listen to her complain about the child support checks being late.  I still think she stays around for a while.  Total.  MILF.    

(Still) Amber,  (Still) "30", (Still) Bartender. ROSE   If you put her and Becca together you might end up with one personality.  Maybe Fleiss isn't so dumb after all.  Her "controversial" return to find love fell flat as she was largely ignored (and unrecognized) by the other women.  And therein lies the problem, Amber.  She seems nice enough, but she's passed the point of making a fool out of herself by signing up for every iteration of The Bachelor.  Hell, if she keeps this up she'll be on these shows more than Harrison.     

(Still) Becca, (Still) 26, (Still) a Chiropractic Assistant. ROSE.  See above.  I'm surprised the first thing out of Harrison's mouth when she and Amber stepped out of the limo wasn't, "thanks for being the first to answer the phone and agree to a modest per diem to be here.  Fliess appreciates it."   Sweet, nice, attractive, and virginal.  "Who wants a virgin," Lace slurred through her partially paralyzed lips.  I don't know.  Maybe 26 year old Midwestern guys with traditional values?  We shall see. 

Breanne, 30, Nutritional Therapist. NO ROSE.  Horrible entry with loaves of French bread that she sacrificed in the name of hating gluten.  Hate ISIS, Breanne, not delicious baguettes.  I hope they fed those to Huey the Horse rather than letting them go to waste.    

Caila, 24, Software Sales Rep. ROSE.  She lives in Boston and paints flowers.  I thought she was much more attractive than her head shot.  Seemed nice.  The awkward run and jump greeting in her awful rhinestone number didn't go so smoothly.  She's no Jillian.    

Emily, 22, Twin. ROSE . Annoying "look at the twins" intro.  The limo exit with her sister was excruciating; as was the rest of their camera time.  I kept thinking about those creepy twins from The Shining or Jeremy Iron's twins in Dead Ringers.  Again, the twin dating thing is hokey, hackneyed, and tired.      

Haley, 22, Twin. ROSE.  Obnoxious "we're twins" double intro. She seems like the competitive one.  My money says she cries before her sister this season.  Props to Fleiss for planning a two-on-one date with them.  I don't know that for sure, but that would be a stroke of genius.        

Izzy, 24, Graphic Designer.  NO ROSE. She shows up in Pajamas.  "You're the 'onsie' for me," she tells Ben as he fights back the urge to vomit.  When it came to getting a rose she got None-sie.  

Jackie, 23, Gerontologist. ROSE.  She showed up with a pre-printed Save the Date card with their "wedding" date.  Uh oh.  Run, Ben.  She seemed nice enough but the fact that I have to think about who she is in order to write this speaks volumes.

Jami, 23, Bartender.  ROSE.  Amber . . . I mean Jami.  Giggly Canadian who knows Kaitlyn.  Dude, don't lead with "I know the ex who dumped you last season on national television and she's told me all about you" line.  She seemed sufficiently perky enough but she might as well be Amber's little sister. 

Jennifer, 25, Small Business Owner.  ROSE. Forced, awful entry in a nice black dress.  She didn't make much of an impression and then got WAY too philosophical in her one-on-one time and used the word "important" more times than Samantha said "imporant".  She struck me as weird and never mentioned what her "small business" entailed.  I wonder if Harrison will by any of her AmWay products on her way out the door.        

Jessica, 23, Accountant.  NO ROSE.  Very pretty girl who got that makeover I suggested she needed.  She seemed sweet and humble.  She looked great.  He shouldn't have sent her home.  Lace took her Rose.     
  

JoJo, 23, Real Estate Developer. ROSE.  WAY too hot to have to use the unicorn mask.  Shame on whoever won the intern bet by talking her into that.  Be yourself, JoJo.  She was nervous and a little scripted, but still hot.   Top 3.   

Jubilee, 24, War Veteran.  ROSE.  Her pre-limo bio was a huge cliche.  We see her fighting, shooting, and dropping military metaphors before she complains about the cliches associated with females in the military.  She tells Ben that she's lost all of her pick up lines.  She should have lost the one she ultimately remembered.   Personally, I would have gone with "You know what kind of fabric this dress is made of?"  "Wife Material."  Boom.  Call Neil Lane.   

Lace, 25, Real Estate Agent. ROSE (almost fumbled).  Hot.  She steals the first kiss out of the limo, belying her uber-competitive personality.  She's trouble.  Hyper-competitive, control issues, insecurity issues, and foul-mouthed.  Mr. and Mrs. Ben's Parents would squirm in their Adirondack chairs if he brought her home.  I couldn't figure out if that was her name or if she was telling Ben what her dress was made out of.  She apparently drinks too.  She's way too physically attractive to behave like that.  Her pathology is far more complicated than run-of-the-mill narcissism.  Huge control and insecurity issues spell haunted past, traumatic event, or (let's hope not for Ben's sake) bona fide personality disorder.  Sadly, I don't think she's faking for the camera.  Someone remind the crazy dentist to hide her pointy metal things.   You think Ben regretted that decision to give her a rose after she did everything she could to almost slur her way out of it?  She dropped the first kiss and the first "bitch" of the season.  She'll stick around to stir the pot.  He was done with her when she pulled the "you didn't look at me once" routine after the Rose Ceremony.  Unfortunately for Ben, the Producers are just getting started with her.              

Laura, 24, Account Executive. NO ROSE.  "Red Velvet".  She was much better on screen than in her head shot and seemed to have a great sense of humor.  What did her in was her rampant insecurity.  That's a shame, because I actually found her really attractive.  Her parting comment about "maybe it's because he simply didn't like redheads, some people don't" was insightful and probably true.  

Lauren B., 25, Stewardess. ROSE.  She begins by tramping around the beach in a bikini in her bio.  She's the first one out of the gate and down the jetway for both the bio and the limo and the first to get a rose in the Rose Ceremony.  Could that be foreshadowing?  Light blue strapless dress (also picked out by Red Velvet) and simple jewelry.  I like her.  Ben seemed to as well.  She could be a sleeper.  Why?  She's simple.  Not simple like Sling Blade simple, but simple in the sense that her life is not complicated.  She's a stewardess who wants to settle down.  He'll appreciate it if she's not jumping up and down for attention like some of the other front runners.  Subtlety does not go unnoticed.  Then again, he could send her home next week.  

Lauren H., 25, Kindergarten Teacher. ROSE.  Sooooper Midwestern accent.  Nice, sweet, Midwesterner with a nurturing job and a simple lifestyle.  She could be a sleeper but I didn't sense a ton of chemistry.  

Lauren R., 26, Math Teacher. NO ROSE.  Less attractive than her head shot. Note to Women: don't open a conversation with a guy by telling him you've been stalking him for months--even if it's true.  Oh, and certainly never actually use the word "stalking."  That's horrifying.   It's sort of like farting:  All guys know that women do it.  We just don't want to hear about it.  Her creepy entry and poor attempts at humor spelled her demise.  Well, that and the fact that she never told Ben her name.  

Lauren B. ("LB"), 23, Fashion Buyer from Oklahoma. ROSE.  She looked great in hot pink.  Awkward entry, though.  She seemed pleasant, looked better than her head shot, and did enough to stick around.  SGIA's jury is still deliberating when it comes to her.  She might be a tad shy to stick around with the sharks.    

Leah, 25, Event Planner. ROSE.  She's the one who bent over and hiked the ball in her evening gown.  You have to love a real Lady, don't you?  Awful.  Her dad must be proud.  The dress was an awful compilation of fake colored gems and rhinestones.  She looked like a church window.   Fourth down, Leah.  Call a good play next week or you're going home.    
    

Maegan, 30, Cowgirl. NO ROSE.  Shows up with her Shetland pony, Huey.  She seemed cool, but destined to be sent home.  God knows what would have happened to ole Huey the Horse if Maegan would have been cast on Bachelor in Paradise.  He'd probably be married by now.

Mandi, 28, Dentist.  ROSE.  There was a guy riding a unicycle and playing a flaming bagpipe in her bio.  My first thought was "She's Nuts."  She also wore that ridiculous rose hat out of the limo.  My second thought was "She IS nuts."   She interrupted Ben's initial greeting toast in favor of a dental exam to see if he was suitable for her to kiss.  That might have been marginally funny if she wasn't serious.  I can spot a nut job blocks away.       

Olivia, 23, News Anchor.  Austin, Texas. FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE.  She looked the best out of the limo.  Let's face it, she's stunning.  I was less impressed to find out she quit her news anchor job to "bet it all on love" or whatever.  That puts her in the "unemployed" category.  She also laid it on as thick as a bottle of aerosol Aqua Net during her one-on-one time.  Frankly, I thought it sounded like too much of a sales pitch, but she earned the F.I.R.  Props to her.  Be careful what you ask for, however.  The F.I.R. might as well be a freaking giant target on her back.    

Rachel, 23, Unemployed. ROSE.  It's difficult to determine what will blow up first:  the Chinese Hoverboard she rode up the driveway or her chances with Ben.  She seemed very positive for an unemployed person zipping around on a fire hazard.  Let's hope she parked that thing close to the hose they use to spray down the driveway at the mansion.    

Samantha, 26, Attorney.  ROSE.  "Imporant" beach-running "lawyer" whose dad had ALS and died when she was 13.  Dude, don't lead with the buzz killer.  Ease into it.  I liked her entry better than her bio.  She seemed very genuine but about as stable as a three-legged table.  She's too nice not to cry and will likely get bullied by the alpha-females in the house (see Lace).  She bemoaned the fact that there were so many women at the party.  As a law school graduate with a lack of math credits, she doesn't understand that the more women who show up on night one, the more of a statistical chance she has of getting a rose.  She should befriend the mathematician once she stops faking like she only speaks Russian in order to discuss statistical probability.   By the way, Samantha, your name in Spanish is still Samantha.           

Shushanna, 27, Mathematician. ROSE.  She relegates herself to speaking Russian or something Eastern European.  Awkward.   The dress was awful too.  Regardless, she did enough to stick around.  As a mathematician, she clearly understood the odds.  What's that?  You don't like her?  Shush.    
   

Tiara, 27, Chicken Enthusiast. NO ROSE.  She loves her pet chicken, Shelia.   That's disgusting and stupid.  She showed up in a very Crystal Carrington-esque dress and ditched the chicken talk in the intro.  Cute, but the fact is that at the end of the party, she just wasn't that interesting.  

A few ending thoughts: 


Ben's new haircut was a little 1939 Nazi invasion of Poland for me.  He carried himself well, however, and I thought he treated everyone with a lot of respect.  He even made it a point to go after Lace's drunk ass and unnecessarily clarify himself after she got snappy with him.  

Harrison sauntering into the cocktail party and dropping the First Impression Rose on to the coffee table without saying a word was brilliant.  The ting, ting, ting of the butter knife on the crystal champagne flute was music to my ears.   Hell, Santa's sleigh bells have nothing on that sound.    

Well, there it is.  Episode One is in the bag.  Let's hope for the most (Insert provocative adjective here) season of The Bachelor ever.  It's good to be back.  Comment below or Tweet me @someguyinaustin.  In the meantime, if you need me I'll be calling Ben over and over to figure out why he never looked at me.  DP

Bachelor Ben: SGIA is Back to Rate the Ho, Ho, Ho's

Well hello, Readers. It's certainly been a while since Some Guy in Austin chose to post any content on this site.  Its been as barren as a pre-nonagenarian Sarah's womb since the close of our last season of The Bachelorette. That's not to say I haven't been busy. I just haven't been busy with this.

Nonetheless, it's fantastic to be back on the eve of everyone's favorite holiday.  I am, of course, referring to the January 4, 2016, season premier of Bachelor Ben's poker run at finding the sleekest and fastest speedboat on Commitment Lake so he can tentatively propose a hypothetical marriage preceded by an indefinite engagement sprinkled with star-studded events and meaningless red carpet interviews filled with vagaries and innuendo before formally announcing an "amicable" breakup after a paid stint on Dancing with the Stars and appearances on endless talk shows and tabloid magazine covers.  

DISCLAIMER:  I hate disclaimers.  However, this is the one post every season that I feel needs a disclaimer from Yours Truly.  I don't ever feel the need to apologize for what's written here but in light of fact that these bios are the only information I'm relying upon when forming my opinion (and expressing it to you in sarcastic terms), I'd like to point out that I don't read tabloids, Reality Stan, or any other Bachelor-related material other than Lincee Ray's ihategreenbeans.com, so my guesses below are precisely that:  Guesses.  Also, I don't know whose husband tragically passed away, who has been struggling with an eating disorder, or who identifies as a man.  Remember that when I say something that, in retrospect and in light of the big picture, is incredibly mean. 

Yes, folks, there's magic in the air.  Now damnit, let's get to it.  

Chris H.  CHA-CHING.

Amanda, 25, Esthetician who loves The Notebook.  That didn't take long, did it?  The first horse out of the barn loves The Notebook.  Shocking.  My bet is that there are as many girls named Lauren as there are who love The Notebook this season.   Hell, I've already mentioned it three times and I'm not even past the first girl.  She's pleasant looking enough but has two kids, a fear of aging, and would buy a house on the beach and adopt kids and dogs if she won the lottery.  She's basically Madonna without the music career.  She'll get past the cocktail party if she doesn't unload her luggage on Ben.  

(Still) Amber,  (Still) "30", (Still) Bartender.  She's been rejected more times than a Syrian passport on every iteration of this show.  But hey, why not come back and try just one more time?  Her bio tells us that she'd be a zookeeper for a day.   I've got a zoo question for you, Amber.  How many times does an elephant go to a dry watering hole before it moves on in search of another?  Perhaps Amber should look for the answer to that question.  She's nice enough, attractive enough, and has probably been compensated by ABC enough to stick around through the cocktail party.  

(Still) Becca, (Still) 26, (Still) a Chiropractic Assistant and (Still) afraid of clogging the toilet on a date.  YAWN.  Like Amber, the Ratings Police will keep her around for a bit.  However, she lacks the "Look at Me, Look at Me" personality necessary to stand out amongst the gaggle.  I liked her, but it's time for her to get back to back cracking.

Breanne, 30, Nutritional Therapist who's favorite book is Why Men Love Bitches.  Hey, Breanne, men don't love bitches and the answers to life are not contained in self-help books.  Reading self-help books about being a "strong woman" doesn't make you a strong woman.  I hope she packed a copy of whatever the sequel to that book is named.  It will give her something to read in the limo on her way to the airport from the Mansion.  Why so harsh, you ask?  I don't see Ben picking a 30 year-old with an affinity for relationship books and a chip on her shoulder above the others.  

Caila, 24, Software Sales Rep. who loves U2 because "it reminds me of my dad."  OOOOF.  Her head shot seems sufficiently perky enough to get her past night one.  However, I'll reserve judgment until we see what comes out of her mouth when she opens it.  Besides, I'm still reeling from the U2 comment.  

Emily, 22, Twin.  Up until this moment I was unaware that I had two jobs.  As most of you know, I'm a lawyer.  However, I'm also a twin, which is apparently an "occupation" according to Emily here. No wonder I'm so tired all the time.  Speaking of tired:  Twins?  At least their names don't rhyme and they aren't dressed the same in their pictures.  If Ben wanted to ruin Christmas he'd identify the competitive one and then dump her but not her sister.  

Haley, 22, Twin.  I won't insult her individuality in spite of her blatant disregard for it by treating her and her sister as one person.  Again, the twin dating thing is hokey, predictable, and stupid.  If I were Ben, I'd send them both packing.  If she and her sister do last, it's because he was told to keep them around.  She tells us in her bio that she can't live without her cell phone or spray tan.  She apparently gets along just fine without her self-respect.  Oh, and I think her sister is prettier than she is.    

Izzy, 24, Graphic Designer who also loves The Notebook.  Fun nickname, hyper-creative career, dimple, mischievous, mysterious smile, and a self-confident stance.  He'll send her home.  I could be wrong but Ben is a numbers guy and he's pretty conservative if I recall correctly.  My guess is that all that creativity and mysteriousness will equate to too much unpredictability for Ole Ben.  

Jackie, 23, Gerontologist.  Meh.  I wouldn't jump over a bar stool to hand her my number but she's not unattractive.   Studying old people is an odd career choice and my guess is that she's the book smart, shy, intellectual type who probably wore quarter inch thick glasses and head gear most of her life.  Her bio tells us that she went paragliding in the Alps with her dad.  Great.  Rich, athletic dad who takes the time to travel internationally with his smart daughter.   Good luck replacing that guy, Ben.  

Jami, 23, Bartender.  She should just change her name to Amber so Ben doesn't have to bother learning it.  They could be twins like what's-her-face and what's-her-other-face above.  She's a Canadian who is inexperienced as a lover (read: This Season's Virgin).   If she throws out the immaculate reception at the cocktail reception she'll be oot the door in aboot an hour.   

Jennifer, 25, Small Business Owner.  Confident picture.  I'm going to reserve my comments until I verify just what exactly her "small business" involves.  However, props to her for striking it out on her own.  Her bio tells us she'd marry a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure.  If she drops that on Ben as she steps out of the limo, that should be good to hold her over for 6 or 7 shows.   

Jessica, 23, Accountant.  Pretty girl who needs a makeover.  Steady job and she tells us that she prefers low key bars as opposed to "a sweaty guy rubbing up against me at a club".  I'd ask her out.  The means that Ben probably won't.  We'll see if she and Ben add up.  See what I did there?  
  

JoJo, 23, Real Estate Developer.  That means her dad owns a real estate development company.  Regardless, she's my pick for best head shot.  She's hot.  Confident, attractive, not overdone, and she went low cut and sleeveless to accentuate . . . well, her best developments.  My guess is that she has personality.  She'll stick around if that personality is not over the top.  She tells us that she can make her tongue a 3 leaf clover.  That's a Fantasy Suite talent if I ever heard one.  

Jubilee, 24, War Veteran who also loves The Notebook.  At least these girls will all agree on what to watch on the Blue-Ray player when Ben is out on his one-on-one dates.  She's attractive and likely has a lot to discuss considering she's served during war time. Not bad for a girl who's named after a commemorative event or a flaming dessert.  

Lace, 25, Real Estate Agent.  Hot.  She looks like trouble and has a stripper's name.  My guess is that's why she was cast.  I love her already.  Her most embarrassing moment?  "When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it." Here's to hoping she tops that this season.  

Laura, 24, Account Executive.  She loves pie and sunscreen.  I hope she loves going home too because that's where she's headed after night one.  

Lauren B., 25, Stewardess.  The first of a parade of Laurens.  She looks like she's up to something.  She could be a sleeper.  Her bio tells us that she loves love and wears her heart on her sleeve.  I think that means she works for Southwest Airlines.  She'll make it past the party but let's see what her personality is like before we give her a date with Ben.   

Lauren H., 25, Kindergarten Teacher.  Caring, nurturing job, genuine smile.  She'll stick around.  It will be good for her to get hit on by a guy her own age for a change rather than some creepy middle-aged father of a 5 year-old asking if he can be this year's "Room Dad".  I think they'll keep all of the Laurens around for the first show but she's likely to earn that spot on her own merits.   Her bio says she wants to be Harrison for a day.  Don't we all, Lauren H.?  Don't we all? 

Lauren R., 26, Math Teacher.  She looks like a pre-op tranny to me.   Caitlyn Jenner has a smaller Adam's Apple.  I'm guessing we'll see that head shot in the local newspaper when she gets caught in an "inappropriate" relationship with one of her high school students.  She tells us that she wants to have lunch with Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake.  That might be amusing to me if her entire career wasn't based around inspiring the next generation of children.  God help us. 

Lauren B. ("LB"), 23, Fashion Buyer from Oklahoma.  If her nickname was "KG", she'd be 10.45 years old.  That's a little metric humor for my international fans.  Imperial measurement-esque nickname aside, I think she falls into the average department when it comes to looks.  She looks shy too.  Her career choice is a bit specious when it comes to geography as well.  Oklahoma isn't exactly the epicenter of the fashion world.  Notwithstanding my (probably unfair) criticism, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.  

Leah, 25, Event Planner who has two doves tattooed on the backs of her calves.  Uh oh.  That might be a little too familiar for Ben in light of that lascivious strumpet Kaitlyn's tattoos.  She'll have to overcome that stigma if she's going to stick around and become the Almost Mrs. Ben H.  Big tattoos in an obvious location scream attention-seeker too.  If that's the case, I doubt she'll stick around.   

Maegan, 30, Cowgirl.  Ben (or is it Baen?) doesn't strike me as the cowgirl loving type.  We'll see.  

Mandi, 28, Dentist.  I wonder if she's a real dentist or if she's a dentist like Ashley was a dentist?   Something behind her eyes looks a tad off too, no?  Maybe it's just me.  Blatantly obvious boob job and her bio tells us that she has a "tendency to drink too much".  I'm so excited for the cocktail party, I can't stand it.  They should just do her a favor and set her up with that guy that passed out at Ashley's cocktail party a few seasons ago.  Let's hope Ben doesn't let her near his mouth with a sharp hook.    

Olivia, 23, News Anchor.  Austin, Texas.  I think she's from Austin but must news anchor somewhere else, because she's not on the local news here in town.  Still, she's incredibly attractive and I'd pick her as one of my favorites based on the head shot.  I have no real feel for her yet but if she's as intellectual as she is pretty, she may be around for a while.  

Rachel, 23, She's unemployed and her biggest fear is not finding a husband before 30.  For her sake, let's hope she has something other than those two things to discuss with Ben.  She's attractive, but her resume screams co-dependent leech.  Of course, if she's unemployed because she has a giant trust fund, that could up her chances a tad.  It's a damn good thing she's not also a twin.  That would (apparently) ruin her chances at collecting unemployment considering the fact that "Twin" is an occupation and all.  Her head shot screams positive energy, however.  I'll need her back story before I make any conclusions.    

Samantha, 26, Attorney who can't live without her straightener or WiFi.  My guess is that she's the hyper-competitive type with a fear of failing.  Incidentally, her hair doesn't look straight in her head shot.  She's semi-attractive but her head shot implies she's overbearing.      

Shushanna, 27, Mathematician with a classic long relationship leading to heartbreak and a trip to the show to "get back out there" bio.  Ben plus 28 girls divided by 11 shows equals drama and stress.  Let's hope she can handle it.  The good news is that her name isn't Lauren.  She's also a favorite of mine.   
   

Tiara, 27, Chicken Enthusiast.  I'd put her in my favorite category if, and only if, the Chicken Enthusiast schtick runs its course quickly.  She's pretty and may have a sense of humor if her bio rings true.  She has the unfortunate distinction of sharing her name with one of the biggest idiots to ever fall down the carefully watered and softly lit steps of the Mansion.  Let's hope Ben doesn't try and steal her sparkle.   

Boom!  There it is.  It's good to be back after my hiatus.  I'm looking forward to writing this season and I'm looking forward to your comments, Tweets (@someguyinaustin), and messages.  Bachelor season is upon us, folks.  However, it's the Christmas Season first.  

Enjoy your families at least until you get sick of them.  Drink past the pain, don't discuss politics, religion, or Donald Trump at the dinner table, and (most of all) be grateful for all that you have and do not dwell on what you don't (at least for a few days).  I hope you all have a happy and safe Holiday Season.  We'll talk again around January 4.  In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be sharpening my wit.  DP