Hello, Readers, and welcome back to week six of the Fantasy Suite sweepstakes. At this point, things should be heating up, but the only heat to mention this week was the brow-melting sun of lovely Buenos Aires, Argentina. It is, after all, the best place to fall in love. (see also, Tahiti, Bali, Jamaica, Switzerland, France, and the entire Yucatan Peninsula).
Regardless, we get our scene-setting panoramic shots of Argentina before seeing JoJo in a feisty red dress and Roman sandals kept in check by a white over-the-shoulder jacket. As I've said, her wardrobe person is killing it this season. She walks, she’s excited, she checks out potential crying spots on the balcony before leaning over it and doing her Eva Peron impression, and Harrison, fresh off some ouzo shots with some Argentinian hotties at the local dive bar, appears out of mid-air for a pre-week pep talk.
I’ve said this before but what in the world has “men’s” fashion come to this season? I can’t tell if these guys are wearing leggings or jeans half the time and there’s enough hair product flying around to stiffen a set of silk sheets. These guys dress like my Starbuck's barista (Note: he's just a barista for now. His avant grade movies are his true passion). Flip Flops, beige skinny jeans, and a ill-fitting sport coat is what passes for menswear with the twenty-somethings?
Granted, when I was that age Mike Reno of Loverboy was jumping around in red leather pants, but at least he was a rock star. They’re a completely underrated band, by the way, but that’s for another post. Can some of you weigh in in the Comment section below? I’d love to hear from someone who finds the painted on skinny jeans and boat shoes look attractive.
Seven guys and 1 Ewok remain. I seriously think that Alex gets shorter in every scene. We’re in for another 2 on 1 date and the dudes hit the Fancy Hotel for some pre-Date Card oohs and ahhh.
|I love you, JoJo|
Date Card: Robby reads it. “Wells, Besame, Besame, Muchacho.” Wells sighs with relief while wearing JoJo’s flannel shirt/black jeans outfit from her sand boarding date last week. JoJo shows up in some sort of pancho sweater thing and the group ponders the meaning of the Date Card message. 10 people in the room and not one person knows any Spanish? JoJo’s pants are looser than most of the dudes--and she’s wearing leggings.
James Taylor begins his producer-created schtick. Poor James Taylor. He’s no James Taylor. “The First Kiss” build up was cringe inducing. As I’ve stated before, Wells is probably the nicest most normal guy in the bunch but he’s just not assertive enough. That was painfully evident on their walk and talk market date. Considering how normal Wells is, it's incredible to me how out of place he looks amongst the rest of the clowns.
Fuerza Bruta. Brute Force. I found it ironic that Wells got that date. He’s got pockets full of handkerchiefs for some reason. Is he planning on window washing for a few bucks? Perhaps he had a cold.
Fabio the water dancing expert shows up. He’s only guy in Argentina shorter than Alex.
Wells finally gets his (extraordinarily mediocre) first kiss. JoJo was cool about it both in front of him and in front of the camera for her alone time. He’s a nervous, nice, guy and we all knew his swan song was his dinner with JoJo. I prayed they’d let him finish his entrée before she got the off-camera nod to commence the booting.
After some naive and unrealistic talk about “passion never dying” in a marriage, JoJo provides wells with a harbinger of elimination by hitting him with “friendship” and “respect” in her opening sentence. She drops the hammer in a respectful way. I respected her for that and Wells seemed to realize he’d been treated fairly and honestly. He left with class. Fuerza Bruta indeed.
JoJo hightails it to the big show. I’m positive she scalped Wells’ ticket out front for beer money before using hers.
Group Date Card. “Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex, Living La Vida Boca”
Chase and Derek get a two-on-one after thinking through the process of elimination and they handle the pressure differently.
While I think she made the right choice with Wells and I’ve been pleasantly surprised that she’s approached this about as seriously as we’ve seen anyone approach it in a long time, I’m concerned she’s headed for the same mistake that Andi (and many women) made with her own ex-Jock, Josh.
Try as she might to shake off her habits, JoJo appears to be enamored with appearance. I suppose that’s understandable; however, choosing a “type” rather than really figuring out what makes her happy is why people, particularly women, tend to date the same jerk over and over again. Let’s hope she chooses wisely from here on out.
Group Date. She’s dressed like Cat Woman. Alex hasn’t grown any. Someone needed to buy him a snow cone and a balloon.
They wander around the city before engaging in some West Side Story version of a Sharks v. Jets soccer game with some of the locals. I thought Robby was going to sterilize himself if he kicked too high in his ballet pants.
James Taylor gets insecure and starts complaining about it.
Cocktail party in black leather coats. Luke gets some one-on-one time and lays it on thick. Extremely thick. Good to see his testosterone count is back up where it should be after killing it in that 212 degree hot tub a couple shows ago.
Between aggressive gropes and putting her tongue down Luke's esophagus, JoJo tells us that she’s “running out of words to describe the passion with Luke”.
How about nauseating?
Date Card “Derek and Chase, it takes two. Love, JoJo.” Derek wears the third Old Navy softball jersey shirt he got on sale a week before leaving for the show.
Chase broods. I would have too if I was in his shoes. The guy rounded the first turn with a significant lead and has subsequently been eclipsed by the rest of the field over the past few weeks. He needed a rally.
One-on-one with James Taylor. He’s a dork. James Taylor has a better shot at winning her heart than James Taylor.
James Taylor inexplicably drops Jordan under the donkey cart because Jordan acted “entitled” during their last poker game. That was more contrived than a Kardashian wedding. Stupid mistake, however.
My favorite part was the look on his face when he saw JoJo wasn’t taking the bait. He looked away and began to awkwardly apologize and she dropped, “It’s definitely something I’ll probably pay attention to.” That’s about as non-committal as it gets. He didn’t do himself any favors. At least he didn’t write a song and sing about it. To be fair, nothing rhymes with "Jordan".
JoJo grabs Jordan in hopes of getting to the bottom of the nonsense.
JoJo: “It was brought to my attention that there was an altercation with you and James Taylor.”
Jordan: “The singer or the goofy dude who won’t make the Fantasy Suite?”
After she clarifies, he and his Woody Woodpecker hair back peddle their way back to safety. Dumb.
Tension is in the air as the guys brood over wine spritzer and pinot grigios. Do any of these guys drink beer for crying out loud?
Date Rose goes to Luke. No Shit.
Rodin’s thinker in the square ponders the remaining dudes.
|I wonder if I'm taller than Alex even though I'm sitting on this rock|
Two-on-one. Chase and Derek highlight the juxtaposition with Black and White shirts. JoJo dons her second red dress for an awkward dueling Tango date. I wanted one of these dudes to Tan-Go Home already.
She’s lucky . . . blah, blah, blah . . . She’s happy . . . blah, blah, blah . . . she’s sufficiently fake tanned, etc.
Chase gets the Date Rose. Derek tan-goes home. Then she has a “surprise” for Chase or Chance or whatever his name is.
JoJo: Look! It’s Soledad Pastorutti.
Chase: You mean THE Soledad Pastorutti? Wow.
Did anyone have any idea who she was? As far as I can tell she’s the Argentinian Celine Dion. She bursts out in a Spanglish version of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”. We soon found out why.
Derek: “why am I crying?” He cries in the limo as we cut back and forth between his blubbering and Soledad’s tortured version of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”.
Dude, that’s not the way you want to go out. Like Wells, Derek seemed way to nice and way too normal. Unlike Wells, however, he was uninteresting.
Cocktail party. JoJo arrives in a very Disney princess royal blue evening gown. Most of the guys wear their Beatles suits.
|We want to hold JoJo's hand.|
Robby is in his George Michael outfit.
|I have Faith in JoJo. I want her sex.|
Harrison. Ding Ding.
In another piece of scripted drama, JoJo “breaks down” at the thought of handing out the last rose and rushes down the stairs before Harrison again appears out of nowhere. “What just happened?” he asks. As if he didn’t know.
She’s sick to her stomach.
SGIA: Maybe she’s pregnant.
Harrison recycles the rose then brings two so she can save James Taylor (the contestant, not the singer) and the Ewok. Yawn. Wouldn’t it be great if James Taylor got a one-on-one next week and the real James Taylor was the after-dinner musical guest? Someone Tweet that over to Harrison, would you?
5. Alex (Pity Rose)
6. James Taylor (Pity Rose)
Well, there it is. I’m a tad late, but if you had any idea how much of an information dump this week has been, you’d all love me even more than you do. I’m headed out for some well-earned R&R for a few days. Happy Fourth of July. Be safe and we’ll talk next week. Get your Comments in on the guys’ dress code and the hometown picks. My money says Alex gets the ax next week. Needless to say, his season will be cut very short.
In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be shrinking my jeans. DP