Amazing Count for the Episode was 16. That’s…well…amazing.
Hello, Readers. Welcome back to what has unfortunately become a brain numbingly boring season of The Bachelor. From Juan Pablo’s annoying Ooooooo’s, his unnecessary whispering, errant face touching, and his ridiculous wardrobe to the fake fighting between Clare and Nikki I found myself wanting Ben Flanjik back in the mix.
I’m also appalled that Harrison missed his “Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight. Juan Pablo, whenever you’re ready” lean-in last night. The guy has like 3 things to do every episode and he’s been shirking two of them all season. Perhaps even he’s sick of it. Granted, he can’t be sick of the free money, but he’s sick of it.
Let’s get to it.
Well, we’re back in Miami because Cameeeeela needs to see her (sometimes) kiss-averse Daddy. Everyone has butterflies—or perhaps that’s just a nagging remnant of the spicy Vietnamese food. Sharleen begins to stress about her uncontrollable physical attraction to a guy she thinks is a lot dumber than she is. We all knew it was her voluntarily hitting the road this week. Told you so.
Juan Pablo shows us he’s serious by donning a muted dark grey v-neck and driving around his hometown in his boxy SUV before going to sooo-price Cameeeela. Cameeeela unwittingly mimics Clare by running into her father’s arms and straddling him. Disturbing, I know. But true.
The broads simultaneously ooooo and ahhhh at the Lowes Miami Beach hotel and oooo and ahhh some more at the free bikini swag in the penthouse. Clare successfully subtracts 2 from 6 and lets us know that means that there will be 4 women left after this week. Frankly, I was sooo-priced. Sharleen tells us she wants to “flush out” her true feelings. The irony of her word choice was not lost on my Lone Star and me. Flush out indeed.
Despite the fact that he’s 32 years old, Juan Pablo has a friend with braces. Odd. He confides in him that Sharleen might be “The One.” Whatever. He tells his friend that Sharleen is an “Oprah singer”. “What in the world does this have to do with Oprah Winfrey?” I wondered aloud. It’s hard to believe that Oprah is wealthy enough to have her own personal singer and very generous of her to give Sharleen the time off to pursue her dream of indiscriminately making out with a poly-amorous Venezuelan-American single father with no real chance of becoming emotionally invested. Annyyyhoooo . . .
I don’t know where in the hell Chris F*cking Harrison has been all season but he failed to make the hop to Miami because Juan Pablo assumes Date Card delivery duties in his turquoise v-neck and purple shorts. He’s clearly colorblind. To be fair, I’ve been to Miami Beach and any person can literally wear anything he wants and get away with it. I’m surprised he wasn’t running around in a jockstrap and a sailor hat.
“Sharleen, Come Sea my city,” it reads. Underwhelmed, Sharleen heads upstairs to put on her grandmother’s polka dot dress and clunky shoes. Nikki was NOT happy and everyone else “can’t figure out” why Sharleen was chosen. Uh, because they told Juan Pablo he had to choose her because this week’s story line works a lot better if they make out a bunch before she equivocates prior to removing herself back to Heidelberg.
Sharleen tips her cards toward the center of the table when she alludes to her search for a “mental connection” with our Spanglish speaking Bachelor. Translation: He’s way too dumb for me. Clare continues her season-long Kristin Bell impression and uses the word “anomaly.” Wow. First some simple subtraction and now a multi-syllabic noun. Check out the big brain on Clare. Time away from all of those hair chemicals has been kind to her.
Juan Pablo and Sharleen share some uncomfortable snuggle time on “his” yacht. When I say “uncomfortable” I mean for us. She hems and haws between bad kisses and he pulls the “yust luke at me” spiel again while simultaneously, groping her face like the blind chick in Lionel Richie’s Hello video.
Juan Pablo is not “my typical type” she tells us. Huh? As opposed to what, her atypical type? She’s physically attracted to him and she’s open to change. Well, as long as she never has to “change” a diaper. She’s very icy and guarded, which is why she reacted like she did at the lack of control she had over her physical attraction to Juan Pablo. Nikki and Andi have a balcony tete-a-tete about it. Granted, they didn’t articulate it very well but we all know what they meant.
Juan Pablo throws out a tentative, “How do jew feel abow me meeting joor family?” I was waiting for her to respond, “I don’t.”
They make out in a few more places, he massages her face some more, and the date ends with us knowing she’s headed back to pack her bags and return to Oprah singing.
“Nikki, listen to my heart beat.”
Speaking of I told you. When Some Guy is right, he’s right. If any of you had any doubt about Nikki taking home El Trophy it’s time to admit your mistake. “I’m taking you to my daughter’s dance recital to meet my entire family, my daughter, and my (smoking hot) ex-wife.” Boom.
Translation: Suck it, Clare. Thanks for the rub and tug in the ocean. Good luck with the hairdressing.
After my laughter died down I pictured that nasty look that Clare shot at Nikki’s back during the rose ceremony before declaring Juan Pablo’s decision “a big mistake” being replicated over and over when Clare is forced to stand in the Express Lane line at the Sacramento King Soopers with the magazine rack filled with pictures of Nikki in a bikini frolicking on some tropical beach with Juan Pablo underneath a “New Sexy Stepmom for Camilla and Juan Pablo” headline.
Nikki instantly regretted her silky, revealing shirt and lack of a bra, but she knew it was all over but the crying. I’m surprised they didn’t have Sharleen sing an aria before she split town.
Wait until Nikki finds out about Clare.
Nikki meets the smoking hot ex-wife and the whole fam damily. They ignore her outfit. Props to the ex for sucking it up and putting Cameeeeela first. I didn’t get a Marking My Territory vibe from her. It was more of a He’s Your Problem Now sort of vibe.
Nikki wears what she packed---a silky frontless shirt requiring, yet again, no bra and a black fringy miniskirt and heels. I think she had the shirt on backward. Apparently, no one told her she’d be required to play catch in a baseball park. I’m certain some young, idealistic ABC intern was sent scrambling to the store for some two-sided tape. Juan Pablo sweats like Roberto and closes the deal. Winner winner, chicken dinner.
I was not soo-priced.
I’ve been alluding to this all season. How did I “know” Nikki would get picked? To be fair, she hasn’t been officially Neil Laned yet, but she’s got about a four horse lead heading into the final stretch. You’ll have to wait until he proposes and she dyes her roots for me to reveal my Guy Logic analysis.
Date Card. “Chelsie, Renee, Claire, Andi, My hometown or yours?” Along with a note (allegedly) written by Chris Harrison.
Andi borrows Nikki’s headband assuming it worked for Nikki.
The Nikki/Clare (Non)Confrontation gets teed up before commercial break and Nikki drops a classic. “I mean she didn’t get crazy all on her own. I mean it had to come from somewhere.” Awesome. And apparently true based upon the previews.
Sharleen drops “I’m going home.” Everyone is not soo-priced and Clare can barely contain her excitement. Juan Pablo phones in the departure talk, rubs some more of Sharleen’s facial features into oblivion and moves on. I’ll give Sharleen honesty points. Well, honesty points to Juan Pablo. Whether she was honest with herself is another issue.
Juan Pablo apparently dealt with the stress of Sharleen’s departure by getting a pedicure. I’m basing that assumption solely on the pink flip flops he was wearing when he sought the solace of the balcony and tells us “es naught eee-see” to see her leave. Whatever, dude.
Group Date. I’ll gloss over this. It was a trip to some island, a lot of teary eyed confessions and bikini walk and talks. I’m praying that Clare doesn’t break out her deceased father’s DVD next week. Remember when Ali had to take Jake on a tour of her dead grandmother’s house? Clare deserves better than that. She can’t be forced to ruin her reputation and spoil her birthright in one season. If she does break it out next week, let’s hope ABC adds Spanish subtitles for Juan Pablo’s benefit.
Andi, wheel you assept these rose?
Clare was pissed. Tick tick tick tick.
Andi is forced to awkward dance at some Spanish music show and the losers head back to the penthouse couch so Clare can fake argue with Nikki amidst her filthy room. Did any of you understand what in the world they were arguing about? It made absolutely no sense. I was soo-priced.
Cocktail party. Short after five dresses.
There’s was nothing really notable about the “last cocktail party ever” except the forced, awkward silence between Nikki and Clare. Man, just wait until Nikki finds out about Clare. Juan Pablo is going to need some two-sided tape when that ship leaves the dock.
Comfortable in the pole position (see what I did there?), Nikki keeps the “I met Cameeeela, the hot ex-wife, and the entire family” smack in her back pocket. Similarly, Clare keeps the “I gave Juan Pablo a handy in the ocean” smack between her cleavage, and the other women try and keep the peace.
Nikki drops “my boyfriend” a few times before Harrison finally shows up with his ubiquitous butter knife and wine glass to announce the Rose Ceremony.
The following wee-men assept these roses. There were no soo-prices.
Gone: Sharleen, Chelsie
Chelsie loses with class and returns to Science Educating. She’s nice and attractive. She’ll be fine. Nikki and Andi are in the top three for sure. I'm on the fence between Clare and Renee; however, I'd have to give the nod to Clare based upon "the event."
Well, there it is. Next week Juan Pablo flies across the country to have his Huevos busted by some less-than-enthusiastic parents and a bitter, fat sister or two. I can’t wait. Have a great rest of the week. In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be Oprah singing. DP